HR Rep: Good morning. Thank you for coming in. Please have a seat.

Candidate: [grunt]

HR Rep: Tell me a little about yourself.

Candidate: I’m amazing. People say I’m amazing. Everybody is less amazing than me.

HR Rep: Okay, umm. Why do you think you are right for this job.

Candidate: Everyone else who is applying is dangerous. They are responsible for the destruction and downfall of every company they’ve ever worked for. They are so bad. They are Dimwit Doorfillers

HR Rep: Dimwit Doorfillers. That’s a pretty derisive sobriquet.

Candidate: Croquet is a beautiful game. Beautiful game. Nobody plays croquet like I do. It’s where we separate the men from the girls.

HR Rep: No, not croquet, sobriquet. Umm, ah, a nickname or alias.

Candidate: Criminals! Only criminals have aliaseses. I am not a crook!

HR Rep: That’s too many Ses.

Candidate: You can never have too many eseses. It’s a beautiful letter. Great curves in eses. Love a great curve. Hehehe

HR Rep: We seem to be getting off the track. Let’s talk about your qualifications for this job.

Candidate: The people love me.

HR Rep: That may be, but why are you interested in this job?

Candidate: Because everyone else you can pick from is a bad choice, the worst choice, a choice so bad. So bad. They are bent on ruining your company. I am loved. No one else is.

HR Rep: Maybe I’m asking questions that are too general. Let’s talk specifics. If you are selected for this job, you will be responsible for managing the department budget. What is your experience in finances?

Candidate: I am the greatest money handler in all of time. Going back to the time before there was money I was handling it. Nobody else knows how to. Only me. I am so good.

HR Rep: Would you like to expand on that?

Candidate: That guy you have in there now, he’s a joke. He’s running this company into the ground. Motley Manager and his crew are ruining this beautiful company. He is weaponizing the adding machine.

HR Rep: Alrighty then. How about personnel? Have you any experience handling staff.

Candidate: That’s a lie! I never handled a staff and they are only saying that to distract form the fact that Motley Manager and his crew have spent this company bankrupt.

HR Rep: Umm, but we aren’t bankrupt, and…

Candidate: You will be if you let things continue the way they’re going, spending billions like they are.

HR Rep: Can we get back to personnel. I think you misunderstood me when I said handle. What is your experience managing groups of workers?

Candidate: Workers, yes workers. Beautiful people. Love working with workers. They love me. All of them. Beautiful, beautiful.

HR Rep: I see we’re running short on time. Just a few more questions. How would you protect the safety of your department’s software and technical components?

Candidate: Build a wall around them! A moat if we have to. Anyone in there that doesn’t belong we will put them out.

HR Rep: No, again, maybe I didn’t make myself clear. I meant how would you defend against cybercrime like phishing schemes.

Candidate: Fishing, fishing is a beautiful sport. Nobody fishes like I do. Beautiful just beautiful. You know that’s where we separate the men from the girls.

HR Rep: Again, thank you for coming in. We’ll get back to you.

Candidate: You will regret if you don’t hire me! I could be the last person you ever hire!! If you do not hire me I know all those beautiful people, beautiful people, they are with me and they will not be hired and they will not be pleased. I am the only logical choice!! Me!! Pick me I said, Me!!!

HR Rep into phone: Security, please report to Personnel. Now!

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We dare you to be disliked. Why? Because you can’t please all the people all of the time. We say if you dare to be unliked often enough and you will be liked more often. Maybe often enough to please most of the people most of the time. Read why we feel like that in the latest Uplift, the blog on ROAMcare.org.

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