I don’t understand technology. That’s no great revelation, I’ve said that here before. I’m not even sure I know how radio works. Just because I don’t understand technology doesn’t mean I don’t use it. I’m not at all anti-technology. I stream. I go nowhere without phone, tablet, or both. I use an in-store point of sale app to grocery shop. Heck, I even have Alexa running a big chunk of my life. But I don’t know what it takes to run any of those and I am certain my lack of basic understanding of what makes the electronic world go ’round is making me a sitting duck for the newest exploiters of America’s other 99%ers. No, not the scammers or phishers or even the identity thieves. I’m talking about the legal systematic efforts to separate us from out hard earned middle class money. That’s right, I’m a victim of Big Data.
It started when I got my “cable” bill for this month. “Cable” is in “quotes” because I’m not buying “cable” as in cable TV but I am forced to use the cable company for my internet access. Yes, I said, and I mean forced. Where I live there is literally only one source of access to the internet world and that is the cable company. Although there are multiple providers in the general area, the buildings where I live are all pre-wired and restricted to one wired source and satellite dishes are not permitted. If you want cable, land phone, or internet service you get one option which I guess by definition isn’t actually an option. But I digress.
It started when I got my cable bill for this month. Less than a year ago I was being charged $69 a month by this proivider for both my internet and cell phone. This month that total turned into $101. Plus tax. Naturally when a bill increases 50% (okay $3 shy of 50%, so sue me for misrepresenting) I intend to look into it. Here is an actual transcript, or as close as I remember, of that call.
Me (after 4 minutes of pressing 4,1,3,5 to get to the right submenu, then entering my account number, phone number, and last four of social security number and listening to repeated assurances that my call is important): So even though I just entered all that you want me to tell you again my account number, phone number, and last four of my social security number?
Unhelpful Service Representative: Yes, so we can verify you are who are.
Me: I am, trust me. Nobody else wants to be me.
USR:
Me: Okay (and I repeat the information)
USR: Thank you for calling Big Data. How may I be of assistance?
Me: By explaining why my bill went up.
USR: Certainly, can I please have your account number?
Me: As far as I know it’s the same one I just gave you.
USR: I’m sorry sir but for your protection I must verify your account before we can proceed.
Me:
USR:
Me: (repeats number)
USR: I see you have the Super Savor with a billion gigalogs of data per billing period with upload and down load speeds guaranteed to be 100 pterodactyls and generating a force field of 30 cubits by 30 cubits by 40 cubits when Mars is in conjunction with M&Ms and our basic virus protection package.
Me: Ah
USR: I also see you are using your own router/modem, is that still accurate?
Me: You mean the box the wire from the wall goes to?
USR: Yes sir, the Analytics 1000 with multichannel green and red flashing lights pulsing in time with the bass line of “White Room” by Cream.
Me: Ah
USR: And that includes cell service with by the gig data.
Me: So why did the bill go up so much? Actually, scrap that. Let’s make the question can it go back down?
USR: I would be happy to review your use patterns and see if we have a different package that can still serve your needs.
Me: Thank you.
USR: Let’s see how you use your data. Would you be interested in upgrading to our Premium Plan with 612 channels, 512 which are basically duplicates of each other, local news, sports, and premium content from 17 movie channels showing the same movies from 4 years ago that were never actually released to theaters?
Me: No, I just want internet and cell phone.
USR: Then you want the Super Savor with a billion gigalogs of data per billing period with upload and down load speeds guaranteed to be 100 pterodactyls and generating a force field…
Me: Wait! Isn’t that what I have now?
USR: Yes, and whoever selected this plan for you was right on the money because I can see from your history that you have never called to complain about the speed or performance of this plan.
Me: Right. Perhaps there is an option with less pterodactyls?
USR: That would be our Jurassic Plan but it’s not available ala carte.
Me:
USR: However I could upgrade you to the Super Duper Savor which will double your download speeds for a better gaming experience at only $150 a month for first 3 months with a 17 year contract.
Me: I’m not game.
USR: We would throw in our own Analytics 5200 modem free of charge for only $10 a month extra.
Me: If it’s free why is it $10 a month?
USR: Or we could upgrade your phone with the newest 5G equipment at only $24 additional per month for 60 months or until you upgrade to something even more expensive. You could be one of the first to experience the power of 5G when we eventually make it available.
..
Me: Since you brought up cell phone what is the new $12 charge on my bill. I thought cell service was included.
..
USR: It is sir. The $12 is for the first gig of data.
..
Me: But the first 100 meg is free.
..
U.SR: We found that was sufficient for many people to do no more than a quick check at a map or to upload a picture or two but you couldn’t connect to anybody in a significant way so that has been phased out. Now you can stay connected with calls, texts and social media anywhere you are lucky enough to have clear service. We can switch your plan to an unlimited data plan for less than you would expect.
..
Me: Can I get just internet and cell phone for cheaper than what I’m paying for now?
..
USR: After reviewing your current and past trends and future predictions I would have to say no. But thank you for calling and remember, with Big Data, you get what you pay for!
Automated Voice: Thank you for calling Big Data. Please remain on the line to answer a few dozen questions about your experience today. Remember, with Big…
Me: (click)
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Oh my! Not fun! 😦
Truly a first world problem!