Tag Turkey

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Michael 4 Comments
Driving around here you might see just about anything on the road. Still, when a large turkey led a group of 3 others from one side of the road to the other that I happened to be motoring my way along one morning last week, the first thought I had was “hmm, turkeys.” The second thought was “Oh shit, she’s fast!” (I didn’t have time to consider all the possible gender permutations and for birds, those probably still stop at two) when this one wasted no time strolling over to my open window to see what that crazy human was doing stopped in the middle of where they wanted to walk and what was that thing I was aiming at her. (Or him.)
 
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After I got the window rolled up and the car back in gear and moving cautiously around the mini-brood I had my third thought. Why were the turkeys crossing the road? Why were they leaving the confines of high brush and much vegetation for the open back lot of a used car dealer? I didn’t think they were interested in a slightly used minivan but with turkeys who knows.
 
Some things I thought as the day wore on were:
 
They were released from a nearby turkey farm where the business was downsizing due to the anticipated lessened demand for turkeys, particularly the larger ones, this upcoming holiday season. Although … these seemed of the quite wild variety. Thus my next thought. 
 
They were visiting relatives still held captive at the nearby turkey farm and/or visiting said farm to attempt a release of said relatives due to the anticipated lessened demand for turkeys this upcoming holiday season.  But … that seemed somewhat implausible given that the average turkey is probably more intelligent than the average politician and therefore not given to such flights of fancy as to believe she (or he) (it?) could out talk a farmer, or talk a farmer out of a herd of turkeys. Herd? Flock? Bunch! On to the next thought. 
 
They were off to the large mega mart further up the road in the direction of their travel to take advantage of the discounted pricing of the fall version wrapper of snacks and candies to make way for the winter version wrapper for snacks and candies and in particular to score big on candy corn which has no winter equivalent. Then I realized I was on to something indeed! My final thought.
 
Why did the turkeys cross the road? To get to the candy corn! That perfect, super food that tastes better than kale and doesn’t stain like blueberries with it’s own holiday that’s not Halloween or Thanksgiving. (I know that’s all true because I read it on the Internet not just a year ago. In fact I know that’s true because I wrote it and posted it to the internet not just a year ago. All except the blueberry part. That’s new for this year. Always improving!)
 
So this Friday when you’re looking for something to celebrate other than the impending short reprieve of political ads, National Candy Corn Day is October 30 this year and every year. If you’re one of the weirdos who isn’t a fan of candy corn, cross the road and bring some to me. I’ll be busy looking up small turkey meal plans.
 
Gobble gobble!
 
CandyCornDay
 
 

Training for Turkey

Michael Leave a comment

The onslaught is coming and it is past time to prepare for it – it is Thanksgiving dinner! You don’t train for a marathon by sitting on the couch. You don’t prepare yourself for a presentation at work by going dancing. And you can’t call yourself ready for Thanksgiving unless you get those eating muscles in shape!

Yes, it is time to work on your feasting strength and stamina. You have to work that jaw, sharpen those taste buds, and most importantly, stretch those stomach muscles or you’ll be like the punt returner who failed to stretch his hamstrings before the big game – and that is, on the sidelines nursing unnecessary cramps while reduced to watching the action from the bench, or sofa.

I started my warm up routine a week ago by going to Sunday brunch. (Ok, it was my daughter’s birthday and brunch was her idea. But, hey, it got things headed in the right direction, culinarily speaking.) If you are just getting started you missed out on the opportunity to break in with a brunch buffet. Not to worry. Any all you can eat buffet will do. Breakfast buffets at your local casual restaurant are perfect to get things rolling. Just remember when you’re loading up your plates to concentrate on the three main Thanksgiving tummy stretchers. Those are turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. These are easily simulated at breakfast by eggs, potatoes, and pancakes. Be sure to increase your return trips to the buffet so that by Wednesday’s session you are testing the limits of “all you can eat” pricing.

Breakfast is a good start but don’t ease up on lunch and supper training. No small salad with dressing on the side for lunch this week. Indeed you should be lunching on double-decker sandwiches with meats, cheese, and gooey dressings. I recommend keeping to the holiday spirit with turkey pastrami and swiss with cranberry/jalapeno dressing on marble rye.  For dinner, increase your eating power each day progressing through stuffed salmon to stuffed chicken breast to stuffed double cut pork chops. With gravy.

Follow these tips and those turkeys, stuffing, potatoes, veggies, salads, relishes, cakes, and pies, will have met their match this Thursday. When you push back from the table ad retire to the sofa or head out to the sales you’ll do so with the knowledge that once again, you have proven your power over poultry!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Seasons Eatings

Michael Leave a comment

Last week the company for which He of We works sent out Christmas presents to the 3,000 and some employees it has across the country – turkeys! Not live turkeys, frozen turkeys. And as such demonstrations of largesse do so often, controversy immediately arose.

The most heard complaint (who complains about free anything?) was “What am I going to do with a turkey after Thanksgiving?” Taking a cue from perhaps the greatest Christmas movie ever released, “A Christmas Story,” the obvious answer would be to have it for Christmas. Now these birds weren’t anywhere near the size of the turkey Ralphie’s father dreams of every yule. A modest 10 or 12 pounds were these. But they were big enough to spark discussions throughout the building.

Apparently almost 40% of those in that building never had, don’t currently have, or will not have plans for turkey for Christmas. What do these people eat? A very informal poll revealed that about half of that group has ham, about half has some cut of roast beef, and about half has lobster, crab, shrimp or some other seafood. Some have sausage. A few have duck. One claimed venison if the hunting season was successful. Nobody has the classic Christmas goose. You will notice that there are well over four halves for that 40%. That’s because almost nobody admitted to only one protein at the Christmas table. Everyone, including the turkey eaters, at the very minimum double dips on the meats at Christmas.

Unlike Thanksgiving where turkey is still the biggest centerpiece on most tables, Christmas food traditions are taking a diverse path. Even the side dishes are more varied than the earlier holiday table sees. Many menus still include sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, corn, squashes, and green beans (although the green bean casserole is losing favor in our area). But next to those traditional offerings will sit root vegetables, pastas, rices, pomegranates, mac and cheese, and even quinoa.

The one consistent thing about the Christmas feast, with or without an accompanying Christmas Eve feast, is that Christmas also ends up with many people in food comas spread across sofas watching old movies and munching on the ever present Christmas cookies.

No matter how you carve it, it’s a wonderful time of the year!

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?