Tag Television

Hell’s Chopped Kitchen Star

Michael Leave a comment

“I learned how to cook at my grandmother’s house who took us in after Mom and Pop died in the car wreck when the telephone pole fell on the car that first smashed them, then electrocuted them.  Grandma went to the community college to learn English so she could raise me and my 14 sisters and one brother who wore dresses a lot but could make the fluffiest soufflé.  And if I win today’s competition I’m going to take the $300,000 prize and buy her the stove she’s always wanted assuming I can still find a 1965 Amana and let her teach my children all that she taught me.  Even the autistic ones.”

We’ve been watching a lot of cooking competition shows lately.  But not the cupcake people.  We hate the cupcake people.  What they do to cupcakes you shouldn’t be allowed to put on TV.  Anyway, we’ve been watching a lot of cooking competitions and swearing off as many as we watch.  Why?  Because the competitions are becoming less of a challenge among those who can cook as they are now a contest of who has the bigger sob story.

We’ve always liked the Food Network show Chopped.  The premise of real chefs being dealt real but unusual ingredients fascinates us.  Most of these people are real working chefs and know exactly what to do when given chicken feet, dragon fruit, clove candy, and 20 minutes to make a scrumptious appetizer.  But now it’s not good enough to see 4 chefs, then 3, then 2 turn the bizarre into the palatable.  Now we have to ask what will you do with the money if you win.  Who would have ever thought that cooks had so many physically challenged children?  Or how many have an elderly parent yearning to see the homeland one last time?  Or how many are supporting their nieces and nephews?  We know what we’d say if someone asked us how we would spend a prize.  It’s found money.  We’ll blow it all on us.

Gordon Ramsey has to be the king of shock cooking.  We’ve come to if not love, appreciate Hell’s Kitchen because he’s not going to hold anything back. If you’re not cooking, you’re not contributing.  Leave now.  The little snippet interviews with the contestants are the best part of that show.  It gives each contestant a little face time with the camera and by extension, the viewer.  We hear how this person is a dolt, that person can’t boil water.  Petty gripes and foul mouths.  But then after the service they go to their sleeping areas and talk to the pictures or their kids, and parents, and partners and how much they love them, and love (sniff) being here, and really (sniff, sniff) want this (boo hoo).

Another of our favorite cooking contests also has Gordon at the forefront.  Master Chef.  This competition among home cooks has us wondering if the professionals on Hell’s Kitchen shouldn’t stop by the studio next door and get some pointers on, well, on cooking.  These non-professionals are very good at their limited challenges and usually work without complaining.  But even here we have the boo-hoo crowd sneaking in and has us wondering how far a blind cook can go in a kitchen competition with real knives, hot stoves, and open flames.

Not long ago we were watching one of the previous winners of Food Network Star whose show came on right after another previous winner.  And at that we were stuck. Both of the former winners with real shows who have now been on for what seems like years and have books and CDs and probably hats and T-shirts were winners when food was the competition and they left making a good promo up to the PR department.  This year’s finalists seem (emphasis on seem) to know their difference between a whisk and a dutch oven.  Could it be that after all the tears a cooking competition might actually be decided on cooking?  It could happen.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Interruption

Michael Leave a comment

Not too many days ago Both of We were running through the on-screen program guide on the television to see which of the 998 channels we’d grace with our viewing.  Unfortunately, none of the 7 or 8 commercial free channels had anything really worth while watching so we were pushed toward one of the commercially sponsored offerings.

After two or three times around the horn we found a movie we both like that had just started three or four minutes earlier.  We might miss the opening credits but we’ll certainly get to see the whole motion picture.  We should have known it wasn’t going to be one of the most meticulous showings of this particular movie.

We tuned in just as the screen faded on the opening scene and entered Commercial Land.  We’re ok with Commercial Land.  It serves a purpose.  It provides us with many movies, sporting events, shows, and news we’d not normally get to see if we had to rely on 100% Pay Per View.  Quite often you’re looking at a future headlining star mopping the floor or changing a tire.  And who of us hasn’t seen that special commercial that is better than the show it interrupts.

Twelve commercials later we were finally returned to our feature presentation.  Some of those commercials were of the 30 second variety, some 15 second spots.  Some of them were of the vanishing one minute genre.  Total time out was eight minutes.  At last we got to settle back and enjoy the film.  For about 12 minutes.  Then we were out for another 10 minutes of programmus interruptus.  For those of you keeping score, that’s now 34 minutes of programming comprised of the first 4 minutes that we missed followed by 8 minutes of selling followed by 12 minutes of movie followed by 10 minutes of more ads.  Our score: Movie 16, Sponsors 18.  In a game that shouldn’t be at all that close.

As we said, we’re ok with commercials.  But that was supposed to be between just us.  Somebody has to let the folks who sell ad time in on the secret that when you gather that many commercial minutes together in a single block we’re likely to go surfing for something with actors who have already become stars.  Maybe even on their way to hasbeen.  And nobody is all that crazy about the new blond with the big mop anyway.

At the rate these guys are selling time, pretty soon there will be more commercial than there is program.  We already have program length commercials.  Some of them actually might look informative but they are just selling vehicles.  We bet that when WNBT (now WNBC) broadcast the first commercial on July 1, 1941 (a 10 second spot for Bulova Watches) nobody envisioned an entire show made up of a commercial.  

If all things that go around really do come around we’ll soon be able to interrupt those infomercials with a program to keep people interested and watching.  We’re just not sure how it will appear in your program guide. 

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

All the News That’s Fit to Overlay

Michael Leave a comment

A funny thing happened the other day while we were watching the eleven o’clock news.  We lost sight of it.  Between reading the crawl along the bottom and the severe thunderstorm watch announcements along the side, and the scroll beneath the reporter telling us what building she was standing in front of, we never heard what happened at that building.

Sports scores are the only thing you want to know?  Tune to one of the sports channels and it doesn’t matter what is playing because the scores will be marching across the bottom of your screen.  Need to know if you can wear open toe shoes to work?  Lock in the local 24 hour news channel and the weather forecast is “always in view.”  Did the traffic ease up any?  Turn your dial to the major local stations and watch the live traffic cam in the corner of your screen.

If you have enough time some morning turn on one of the national news networks.  There you will find a split screen with two or sometimes three anchors taking turns spouting something.  A t the very bottom will be a scroll with regular news.  Above that will be a wider band of travel conditions including delays at major market airports.  Focus a bit higher and we have the band of “Breaking News” headlines.  Just above that will be the blurbs highlighting whatever it is those people in the main screen are talking about.  Turn your attention to the left of the screen and there will be a vertical band with the nation’s weather forecasts displaying the high and low temperatures and pictograms of the sun with or without clouds, raindrops, and/or snowflakes for every city in alphabetical order.  Except yours.  Along the right edge is the schedule of what will be coming up in 3 minute increments, excluding commercials.  And somewhere is the time.  Which you are quickly running out of right along with your patience. 

All that information and when you turn off the TV you can’t remember what happened in the world today.  If you should be hearing impaired or just preferred to have the closed captioning turned on, now there is yet another box competing for space on the screen and attention in your brain.  Just because something can be done – a cute graphic for partly sunny or a countdown to the next story – doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to do it. 

We’re willing to let the producers of these news shows into our homes to watch us while the newscasts are on to see how we absorb the information presented to us.  We’ll be the ones reading the newspaper.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Unreal

Michael 2 Comments

We’re at a dull time of the month.  We’ve past New Year’s, escaping once again without resolution.  (See “Be It Resolved” posted January 2 under LIFE for why we’ll be making our resolutions sometime in March.)  And we’re not yet up to Groundhog Day, the best holiday of the year throughout the world.  It is a good time to think about what we did last year and will be able to afford those luxuries again this year (insert sound effect of wild laughter).  

What we ended up deciding it that what we really need is for someone to discover us and turn us into a reality show.  Then it wouldn’t matter if we could afford the trip to the edge of the volcano in Hawaii, the edge of the glacier in Alaska, and/or the edge of fashion in Milan. The producers would pick up those tabs while they continued to insist that this is a quite ordinary vacation for a middle class family with 12 kids and one income.

Maybe we aren’t being fair.  Just because we started this blog on an urge to make certain the world knows reality, on average, doesn’t come with hot air balloons, recording contracts, and rehab doesn’t mean every courageous exploration of everyday life on TV is actually scripted fiction casted with diligence and care – or first come first served.  So we took a look at what passes for reality shows today and most recently to make sure we weren’t wrong.  So in no particular order, and not at all a complete review, here is what TV would want you to consider reality.

Gold Rush – Three gold mines in Alaska.  One manned by people who put their real lives with real jobs and real bills and real families on hold while they trek to the Yukon for a few months to play with thousands of dollars of equipment we aren’t sure how any got paid for so they could dig up 8 ounces of gold.  One manned by a guy who was supposed to help out group #1 but instead stole their claim.  One manned by a 17 year old when school is out and a 92 year old when it isn’t.  Just a normal day in the 49th state.

Tabatha Takes Over – A lady hairdresser revamps failing salons while she sports a blonde from a box boy cut, deathly pale complexion, eyelashes the length somewhere between long and you’ve-got-to-be-kidding, and a strong penchant for a black wardrobe.

Jersey Shore – Twenty-somethings try to make complete sentences out of swear words and body parts.

Say Yes to the Dress – Mostly (though not all) brides-to-be start looking at wedding dresses that cost more than Either of We’s current vehicles’ blue book values but talked into spending more because it’s their one special day, including those who are doing it for the third time.

Ice Road Truckers – Even more testosterone than the Deadliest Catch and not as well contained.

Extreme Couponing – People fill 4 shopping carts, hang out at the cash register while management spends several hours on the phone with company computer guru to unfreeze the restrictive software, and then pay with coupons and pocket change.  Except for one shopper who donated all his booty to the local food bank we are left to wonder what these people do with all that stuff.

Finding Bigfoot – Like “Moonshiners,” the title speaks for itself.

Hoarders – People never throw anything away, actually more accurately people who use their houses as garbage cans and throw everything away.

American Pickers – Two guys travel the country making money off the hoarders.

That’s just a small sampling.  There are so many more with equally impossible storylines.   Where did they all come from?  We think we might have figured that out.  It seems nothing is new, just re-worked.  Find something from years ago, clean it up, repackage it, sell it to the unsuspecting, and make a fortune.  Not unlike Pawn Stars.  With that in mind, here is our list of some of today’s more popular shows and their not quite obvious inspirations.

The Bachelor – the Dating Game with sex and hot-tubs over an eight week run.

Dancing with the Stars – American Bandstand with out of work actors and celebrity wannabes.

Celebrity Rehab – Candid Camera with out of work actors and celebrity wannabes.

Storage Wars – Let’s Make a Deal with somebody else’s money.

Man vs. Wild – the American Sportsman got lost on the way to the hunting cabin.

Real Housewives of [Wherever] – To Tell the Truth.  Please.

COPS – Dragnet, still with stories about to heard that are true but with faces blurred rather than names changed to protect the innocent.

American Idol – The Miss America Pageant without the swimsuit competition.

Somehow these and others like them stay on the air.  They are making money for their networks and bringing viewers to their sponsors.  There really are people tuning in every week to see what secret a housewife can dig up on her best friend forever, how often mom and daughter can go into labor together, how many times a 20-something can use the f-word in one sentence.  There really are people who care about them all. 

Or maybe everybody is watching just to see the volcano up close from the edge.  And privately hoping someone, anyone, falls in.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?