Tag Television

Truth in Advertising

Michael Leave a comment

Have you seen the ad on television for a laxative that across the bottom of the screen says “this is an advertisement?”  Really now, is this truth in advertising gone too far?  Is it necessary that every time somebody says something on a television ad that they must be identified as professional or everyday Joe?

Pay attention to the next ads for vitamins, pain relievers, or laxatives as they march across your TV screen.  There in a neatly pressed white consultation jacket is the spokesperson to tell you that the laxative will work gently overnight.  Just so you aren’t too taken away by the efficiency of those who invented said laxative, fine print across the bottom of the screen reminds you that the person in the neatly pressed white jacket is a “doctor dramatization.”  An actor even!  Now you know that he didn’t extoll the laxative’s overnight virtues from years of research but just read the ad copy.

Next, somebody is hawking the latest in floor cleaner.  It could be that she is just a regular Joe (or Josephine).  To be sure the little letters across the bottom of the screen now let you know that the person saying those nice things about the latest mop is being compensated for his or her time to tell you what the ad writers have written.

Labor Day recently gone by traditionally ushers in school starts, fall with its turning leaves, cooler temperatures, and the November general election.  Here, television ads for governor have been running on air throughout the summer.  Now they will only increase in frequency and annoyance.  The two candidates have a handful of different ads to air so that, we suppose, nobody gets too tired seeing the same one over and again.  But the one candidate’s, although with different backdrops, all say the same thing and start the same way.  “Did you see my opponent’s ad with this actress talking about me?”  Gee, we didn’t realize they used actors and actresses in political ads.  Is that important?  If they used real constituents to read the script nobody could keep a straight face for those 30 seconds.

It used to be so much easier when whomever regulates advertising said that a company couldn’t say their car got 100 miles per gallon when it barely got ten, when the hamburger bought at a drive through looked at least a little like the one on television, when the laundry soap got at least some of the stains out.

Now that they’ve taken care of those pesky issues we have to be careful that we don’t confuse an ad with a news report.  Remember the next time you see a person drooling over a frozen dinner on television to check the bottom of the screen and see if it doesn’t say “hungry person dramatization.”  You wouldn’t want to be misled that frozen food is tasty in its own right.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

With Six You Get a Recording of Eggroll

Michael Leave a comment

“Why not?” the ads for Verison’s Fios ask when the requisite adorable kid wants to know why he can’t record all of the cartoons at one time and save them all to watch in whatever room he wants to.  Almost the same question that the Comcast Xfinity and Dish TV Hopper ad actors come up with before somebody voices over that they too can record 8, 12, or 15 programs at once (depending on which premium package you buy into), keeping up to 2,000 hours of recorded content (they all seem to agree on that number), with the ability to start watching in one room and finishing off in another (that’s no big deal but they all want you to believe that it is).

What none of them tell you is that all of their basic DVR package allows you to record only 2 to 4 programs at once and save a mere 50 to 90 hours.  We’d like to tell you how much the basic packages are compared to the upgraded packages but none of the sites had a clear price of the DVR service and equipment rental.  They all had disclaimers that the promotional bundled pricing of the DVR plus other services was good for 6, 12, or 24 months with a 24 month commitment and with additional activation, installation, equipment rental, and regional sports network fees.  Not all providers charged all fees but all providers charged enough fees.

Not being able to determine if we’d want any of these premium packages based on how much they cost (why would anybody want to decide on what, or if, to buy based on price?), we can pretty much say without hesitation that we don’t want any of these premium packages based on principle.  There aren’t 8, 12, or Heaven forbid 15 programs airing at the same time that we’d want to record.  We can’t imagine that it is too often when there are two programs airing at the same time worthy of a quick view let alone a recording.  And who came up with 2,000 hours of savable programming?  That’s over sixteen 2-hour movies – or 66 cartoon episodes for the requisite adorable ad kid that started this discussion.  Wouldn’t he be better off spending 2,000 hours at the neighborhood playground on the monkey bars with some friends?  It seems to be another example of “just because it can be done doesn’t mean that it should be done” except this time someone is charging the American public for the right to excess.

Perhaps that’s what is meant by the “pursuit of happiness.”  If we had to pursue 2,000 hours of quality programming to find happiness that might be a quest that’s never satisfied.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Entertainment on Demand

Michael Leave a comment

January is half over and we’re still working on our respective home budgets for this year.  Oh, they’ve been done for months but during that time everything we buy from applesauce to Zagnuts has gone up thus requiring, as Congress would say, a re-opening of the spending plan.

Some things you just can’t do without.  Electricity, water, sewage, and gas come to mind.  Somebody somewhere is saying they do quite well with wood burners, wells, and a septic tank.  Congratulations.  Feel free to spend what you’ve saved on Riddx.  But as we were saying, some things you can’t do without.  Fortunately, these utilities are basically on demand.  You probably pay a minor monthly line charge on all of them but the bulk of the bill is based on usage.  Turn your lights off when you’re not in the room and your electric bill goes down.  You pay for what you use.  Just about everything is like that.  You pay for the groceries you buy to eat.  You pay for the water you run through your taps.  You pay for the clothes you’re planning to wear.  If you want to save, you buy less.  If you’re feeling generous to yourself, you buy more.  All except one.

The cable bill.  What is it about television that has us held hostage to hundreds of dollars a month whether we use it or not.  And don’t think you’re getting away with anything if you have satellite instead of cable.  It’s the same thing.  So are the movie services like Netflix and Hulu.  Every month someone is sucking money out of our checking accounts for services we may or may not have used.  Sort of like “just in case” we want to watch the news, a hockey game, or a re-run of Gilligan’s Island.

Our cable bills are more each month than our electric, gas, water, and sewage combined.  Is this right?  Even when you pare away the “basic plus” channels, the movie channels, and the special packages the bill for entertaining oneself is ridiculously high.  And there’s nothing we can do about it.  We could eliminate cable altogether and if we could find a store that still sells antennae we’d lose most local sports, all but 25 year old movies, and get to watch the local news with two shadow figures.  Losing Gilligan’s Island might be the only good thing that would come of that.

We think there should be a meter on the television just like on the water line.  If you watch something you pay for the time you’re watching.  If you instead are relishing in a hot shower you pay for the water you use.  Then you can have a glass of that wine you bought with the intention of drinking, sit in your comfy chair with a reading lamp turned on and being paid for while reading the book you purchased just for that purpose.  All without the cable company sticking its hand in your checking account.

That’s what we call on demand!

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Sleeping in Heavenly Peace

Michael Leave a comment

Some people think the best way to fall asleep is in total darkness and complete silence.  Not here.  We find it much easier to fall asleep to somebody droning on about something.  The 11:00 news is usually good for that.  Flip the television on, tune to one of the favorite local news shows, set the timer for a half hour, and slumber will come long before the weatherman traces his first isobar.

That’s the way it used to be for He.  Now he’s up every couple of hours and every couple of hours it becomes a new chore to fall asleep.  With the modern multi-hundred-channel cable system it should be easy enough to find a droner somewhere, but as the hours get later the choices for an electronic sedative get fewer.  This was a conversation He had with himself a few nights ago.

“Ok, let’s see what we have here.  Oh good, four Duck Dynasty episodes until the paid programming comes on. If I don’t fall asleep at least I’ll have something to watch for a while.  No, I can’t watch that.  I’ll get wrapped up in whatever they’re doing and actually want to watch it.  Oh look, ‘Kindergarten Cop’ is on.  ‘It’s not a tumor.’  Best line from that movie.  Actually the only good line from that movie.  What else do we have?

“Movies, movies, movies.  All of them already started.  I hate coming in the middle of a movie even if I have seen it a thousand times.  Geez, ‘Tin Cup’ is on again.  There must be some golf tournament on this weekend or why would they play that in November?  Why not, they play it every month anyway.  Every day sometimes.  No movie.  I’ll be asleep before I get into it.  What about one of those classic television channels?

“Car 54 Where Are You?  Really?  Really.  Let’s see what that’s all about.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen it.  Oh no, Dragnet with even less personality.  Back to the real channels.

“Hmm, Pawn Stars?  No, they’ll have something really interesting and I’ll want to stay up and watch it but I’ll fall asleep and won’t remember it from the last time I saw it.  I meant to go see that place the last time I was in Vegas.  I wonder why I didn’t?  That’s right, dinner with the boss and his boss and a dozen other bosses.  Next time.

“Well if I don’t find something soon I’ll be asleep.  Ha.  Did you hear that?  Of course I did, I’m right here.  Now where were those duck guys?”

And so it goes every couple of hours.  Droning on about finding something to drone on.  Hmm.  That could be the new sedative.  Just don’t tell the people at work about that.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

5 x 2,000 = 0

Michael Leave a comment

It was an okay start to the weekend.  It was cold and there was a call for some snow.  But by the time Both of We were in the same house, about 2 inches of that snow had fallen and the other 3 or 4 that was coming was coming quickly.  It seemed, even though there were more than a few destinations to where we could have headed, the sofa and a television would do just fine for this weekend.

When we turned on the set one of the first sights we saw was a commercial for one of the satellite TV programmers’ DVR that can record up to 2,000 hours without losing a single digit out of all those digital files.  Shortly after that was a commercial for another satellite provider’s DVR package that allows you to record up to 5 programs at the same time.  Clearly those guys have more to pick from that the 1,100 channels we had at our remote fingertips.

It’s the time between the Academy Award nominations and the Academy Award recognitions so every channel that had anything among its offerings remotely movie-like would be running Oscar Month specials.  We saw promos for the best movie ever coming to a TV near you before this year’s glittery statuettes are awarded.  Unfortunately it’s hard to get the programmers from American Movie Classics, Turner Classic Movies, Arts and Entertainment, TruTV, Disney, History, BET, Comedy Central, and the Golf Channel to agree on the best movie ever.

We did watch one network’s offering of its idea of the best movie ever (we disagreed) and sometime during the weekend we also watched a couple hockey games, some cooking shows on PBS and on commercial television, WipeOut, lots of syndicatedtwenty-year old situation comedies, a horrible horror film offered at midnight, news, the Puppy Bowl, another movie, and very unusual presentation of an early 1950’s recording of a full orchestra performing all Strauss, all the time.  No Super Bowl but we did watch the commercials on the Internet.

Neither of us has the requisite satellite provider to be able to record up to 2,000 hours of what we watched this weekend.  Fortunately we rarely watch 2,000 hours of television in one sitting.  (Does anybody realize that 2,000 hours of television at 4 hours of television watching per day every day is almost 11 months of TV?)  We tried to figure out what 5 shows we’d record all at the same time and decided we couldn’t find 5 shows that were playing all weekend that were on our “we can’t miss these at any cost” list. The only hour and the only show we might have considered wanting to record was maybe the Johann Strauss concert or possibly one of the cooking shows that had an interesting recipe for pizza dough that neither of us had seen before.  But then on further consideration we decided Strauss had too schizophrenic a style for us and we already have two favorite pizza shops that do it for us.

So it seems that the programmers, both computer and marketing, have managed to violate the Number One Rule of Inventions.  Just because you can, doesn’t mean that you should.   

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Hooked on Fonics

Michael Leave a comment

We were sitting at a bar nibbling on appetizers and reading the closed captioning on the television above it.  We’re not certain how many hearing challenged individuals use closed captions but it is a boon to the bar industry.  Anyway, we were watching the printout and wondering if they use real people with court reporter skills or computer voice recognition software.  Certainly if it is software the mistakes are understandable since English so rarely looks like it sounds.  But then again, it seems that lately it so rarely sounds like it sounds also.

It wasn’t too much before we were sitting at that particular bar on that particular day that we were sitting on He of We’s sofa watching the season’s long overdue first hockey game (we won, yippee!) and the post game show that followed.  It was during that particular post game show after that particular game on that particular day that we decided we will never ever watch that particular sports anchor again.  He couldn’t even get past the intro without stumbling over the words that marched across the teleprompter.  Remember, this was after a win.  The intro could have been, “The long awaited first game brings home a win.  Details after these messages.”  We could have come up with that!

He wasn’t one of the weekend fillers who might have been a little nervous over the extended exposure that post game anchor duty would bring to him or her.  No, here was the channel’s number one sports guy.  So we gave him the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps he hadn’t gotten his contact lenses in the correct eyes.  Perhaps the teleprompter went on the blink and translated everything into Latin.  So we waited until after these messages to hear the recap of the game we just spent three hours watching.  Three “ahs,” four “umms,” one complete stoppage in the middle of a sentence, and a feeling he was seeing the video clips for the first time were enough for us to change the channel, never to go back when he is in front of the camera. 

The only task this man had to do to perform his job, one for which he is quite handsomely recompensed, was read.  He didn’t have to write the copy, he even didn’t have to understand the copy.  He only had to read it.  And he couldn’t pull that off.  Was he blinded by new spotlights?  Were his contacts really not in correctly?  Was he as drunk as the post game interviewees appeared to be?  Was he completely clueless about hockey?  We’ll never know.  And now we don’t even care.  Although we do often wonder why the post any kind of game interviewees all seem to be drunk as lords.  But that’s a post for another day.

This whole event reminded She of We of a telephone solicitor who called her and then couldn’t get her name right.  She of We has a very simple name.  It has only six letters in the perfect ratio of vowels to consonants.  It is a classic English-speaking American name.  Yet not only did the solicitor not pronounce it correctly, when She of We brought this to the solicitor’s attention, she became arrogant and demanded to know why she was being disrespected when she was just trying to do her job.

There aren’t that many jobs where all you have to do to execute them successfully is to read out loud.  You’d think if you got one of them, you’d take a little time to, umm, practice.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

We’re real, and we’re spectacular!

Michael Leave a comment

It’s back in the news.  Reality shows are being found unreal.  We entered that fray with our first post.  We didn’t then and don’t now like the reality they show us knowing that their reality is everybody else’s novelty.  The surprise shouldn’t be that someone suspected these were in fact scripted shows.  The surprise should be that a producer found six Amish youths who just happened to leave their communities and ended up in the same hotels in NYC all at the same time.  Or that three very different people including a goat farmer from the same NYC knew how Houdini relieved himself of a strait jacket.  Oh that they thnk so little of us that they believe that we believe these are really real.  Real?  Umm, we don’t think so.

We, however, are very real.  We are THE Real Reality Show.  What you get with us is what we are.   Yes there are times even our children cringe at that statement but that’s us.  We went back and looked at some of the things we’ve written just to be sure.  Yep.  That’s us.  And there’s even more.

We were reminded how real we are while watching television one evening last week.  Regular readers will have noticed that we come to a lot of conclusions while watching TV or while eating out.  Well, we watched a commercial portraying a couple putting together their hostess gift in the car outside the house, then donning reindeer ears, marching up the sidewalk, and then joining the party.  Together we looked at each other and said, “that’s us!”  We certain we’ve done that.  It’s just that it’s so like us we don’t even know we’re doing it.

And there are others.  Nobody but us would take advantage of the laws of physics and drive down an interstate highway in the pouring rain in a convertible with the top down absolutely certain we’d not get wet.  Not because of the laws of physics as much as “just because.”

Nobody but us could be driving down yet another highway while listening to a football game on the radio, hear a touchdown, and do a perfectly (yet still quite extemporaneously) choreographed end zone dance complete with foot stomps and hand claps while He of We’s daughter sits in the back seat wondering why she just doesn’t live with her cell phone permanently set to record video .

Nobody but us could spend two hours in a 20 year old game room playing 40 year old arcade games at one of the area’s finest ski resorts in the wee small hours of the morning feeling every bit as worldly as Richy Rich in his own playroom.  And every bit as lively as a 10 year old millionaire.

Nobody but us would invite a few friends to the house for cocktails and canapes and hire a singer musician to play for us because live is always better than recorded.  And get him 3 new gigs from others who’ll be wanting to do the same!

So as you read our tales twice a week, every week, be secure in the knowledge that this is one reality show that is really real.  No scripts.  No gimmicks.  No pay day.  So we take a little bad with all the good.

That’s what we think.  Really.  How ’bout you?

 

Buttons, Buttons, They Have Too Many Buttons

Michael 1 Comment

He of We never thought of them as too many until She of We brought it up.  After all, there were only three of them.  But to be honest about it, one was confusing, one didn’t make any changes, and one nobody really knew what it did.  But still, how confusing could it be.  After all, it’s only a toaster.

She of We has been on an anti-button quest for as long as He of We has known her. “All you need is power, volume, and channel,” she often says of the TV remote.  He of We secretly agrees with her but sometimes really just wishes for one remote. The one for the cable that’s suppsoed to run everything never does and the one for the DVD is never there when you need it.  But fewer remotes mean more buttons.  Or does it.  Even if one remote is running three or even four entertainment devices, the commands are as universal as the remotes are supposed to be.  Power, volume, channel, and for the DVD, play and stop.  Throw a “menu” button in for the DVD and the cable and that’s still only 10 buttons.

The point of too many buttons was hammered home the day She of We counted them.  Fifty-three buttons on the cable remote, 32 on the TV remote, 19 on the microwave, and 10 on the coffee maker. Do they all have to be so complicated.  It’s like all of the appliances were designerd by committee.  Perhaps they were.  Hopefully they won’t revolt.

As we’re typing this, we’re counting buttons.  Excluding those for the letters and numbers, this computer has 27 additional buttons.  That’s 27 more buttons than a classic Underwood typewriter of 85 years ago.  And it gets us to the Internet and around the world.  Yet the cable remote has twice as many buttons and it barely gets us around the channel guide.  Like that third mystery button on the toaster, we aren’t actually even certain that they all do anything.

Se here’s our advice for the electrical engineer who is charged with designing people friendly accessories.  Power.  Channel.  Volume.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

And if you order now…

Michael Leave a comment

This is the worst time of year.  No, we aren’t talking about the fall foliage.  That’s beautiful.  And we don’t mean the World Series.  That’s a Fall Classic!  We don’t mean the start of hockey season.  That’s usually happening about now.  We don’t mean fall craft shows.  That’s a great way to get ready for Christmas.  We don’t even mean high school football.  That’s almost a religion.  But it is just the worst time of year.  If you watch television between 1 and 6 am.

In the summer you get the local lawn guys and pool guys and remodeling guys.  In the winter you get the Christmas sales and the restaurants and the shipping companies.  In the spring you get the nurseries and garden centers.  But now, between major marketing moments, all you get are the 2 minute versions of the infomercial filling in the late night and weekend commercial time slots.

Have you seen the latest?  An ear vacuum.  Everybody knows you can’t clean your ears with a cotton swab.  We learned that right after we learned how to hit a curve ball.  (Sorry, World Series time you know.)  Now you don’t have to worry about puncturing your ear drum with a cotton ball on a stick.  Now there’s an ear vacuum.  We aren’t making this up.  And with it you get 8 color coded tips for each member of the family.  But wait.  If you order now, they’ll double it!  Two ear vacuums and 16 individual tips for each member of your really big family!

This is a very disturbing trend that we have noticed.  Everything is doubled.   Warehouses worldwide must be overloaded and this is the method by which inventories will be reduced.  Buy one, get two.  Do we really need two doggy steps, two abdominal binders, or two bug zappers?  Is life twice as good with double the shoe stretchers or skin tag removers or water sealers?  Do we really have to act now to maximize our quantities of vegetable choppers, never need sharpened knives, or knife sharpeners?  The way things are being sold in pairs we’re pretty sure Noah is behind the marketing decisions.

Clearly somebody bought too much of a good(?) thing and wants to move that product now.  Shelf space is expensive and nobody is making any money with stuff sitting on them.  (The shelves, not the bodies.)  But doubling everything?  Can’t they get together and share the purchasers? 

“Act now” deals are nothing new.  Years ago when every other commercial was for every record every recorded there was always a premium for those who would “act now.”  If you bought every love song of the 60’s, 70’s, and 80‘s they sent you a rolodex to keep track of which album and track you’d find “Love Me Do.”  Spring for the complete set of national anthems as played by Harry and his Harmonica and you’d also get a lifetime supply of never run pantyhose.  Or score it big with Latin language records and they threw in an electric ice crusher that chunked, chipped, or shaved at the touch of a button. 

Yes, those guys knew marketing. They didn’t just toss in a second set of something.  They made it irresistible.  And who needs two cheese graters anyway?  They only thing we can think of that we’d want two of are two llamas.  That’s some soft warm fur there.  Ear muffs for everyone.  Sixteen color coded, warm and fuzzy, individually wrapped muffs for every member of your family!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

 

No Comment

Michael Leave a comment

Is this happening where you live?  Some significant local news story breaks – a shooting, arson, bank robbery.  The local reporter corners an eye-witness.  “Tell us what you saw,” and the eye witness breaks into details so significant you can hear the District Attorney breathing harder.  But, the witness doesn’t want to appear on camera or give his/her/its name.  So the camera man focuses on the tattoo on the witness’s lower leg that says “I Love Brunettes” in Olde English lettering surrounding a cheesecake portrait of Stephanie Powers in her 1980’s TV role in Hart to Hart, perhaps a portrait tattoo of the witness’s seven children, or the inscription “Jane Doe Loves John Smith (crossed out) Joe Jones (crossed out) Mary Queen of Scots.”  Nothing too unique.

It wasn’t that long ago that we saw on the evening news just that.  The TV reporter telling us that the witness didn’t want her face shown but the cameraman had a clear shot of the snake tattoo climbing from her foot (with the green nail polish) up past the ankle encircling her shin.  Haven’t these people ever heard of the phrase “No comment?”  Or is he lure of being on television, even without being identified by name, too much for them?

We used to wonder about the intelligence of the TV eye-witness back when all you had to go on was the lack of front teeth, the baseball hat proclaiming the last tractor pull world championship, and the t-shirt with the logo and leftover barbecue sauce from the rib cook-off of four years previous.  Now those people were at least colorful.

Recently we saw an eye-witness to a break-in across the street from the witness’s house where he was ‘just sitting” on the porch.  He didn’t have a silly hat.  He didn’t have a dirty t-shirt.  He didn’t’ have a tattoo that we could see and we could see a lot because he didn’t have any shirt on.  But he also didn’t mind his face being shown.  It was a good counter-point to his shirtless body that the cameraman was having a tough time capturing all in one frame without his wide lens.

Don’t these people know they are going to be on television?  Didn’t anybody tell them that when the truck with the call letters and the guy with camera and the lady with the microphone show up there would be a chance that a few people might be watching the film at 11?  It significantly lessens the impact of the details that we now wonder if they were really that observant or were they fantasizing in whatever drug or alcohol haze they were in.

We used to think that the eye-witnesses who didn’t want to show their faces but let the cameras roam over their fairly unique and identifiable tattoos were just stupid.  Actually we still do.  Sorry, Mr. District Attorney.  You can stop breathing hard now.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?