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Michael Leave a comment

You know, I’m not so sure this is exactly what Punxsutawney Phil had in mind when he predicted an early spring on Tuesday. Yesterday I was driving about and I passed a restaurant whose marquee proclaimed “Patio Open!” Indeed it was a warmish day but it is still February and I was driving north of the Mason Dixon Line. I had a look at the patio as I motored past it. Those chairs were metal! I don’t care if it is a warmish February, if you are sitting out there you will have a less than warmish behind.

It made me wonder, was that restaurant really ready to relegate patrons to the refrigerator? Or perhaps had the owner not updated the signage since last April? It’s been known to happen that not everybody stays as up to date as one might. I offer these observations.

The local mega-market adjusted its hours last year. I recall when the signs went up. One sign in particular. “The Beer Department will close at 9pm effective January 20, 2015.” After more than a year it’s time to retire that sign.

The corner fruit market has two signs in the window proclaiming its operating hours. One is headed “Summer Hours” and the other “Winter Hours.” There is no notice of when each becomes effective, or for the half-empty crowd, is no longer valid.

Hanging on the door to my doctor’s office is a sign reading, “Effective July 1, all billing will be handled by XYZ specialists.” Does that mean they are giving patients a very long notice or that they have forgotten to take it down?

And let us not forget the cheery voice every time you try to call bank, insurance company, hospital, auto mechanic, or piano teacher, who has greeted callers with, “Please listen carefully as our menu items have changed,” since 1996.

Expiration dates shouldn’t be just for milk.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

They’re At It Again

Michael Leave a comment

About a year ago I posted a post where I posited that we all could make a nice piece of change by buying car insurance (see “Buy, Save, Repeat,” Jan, 15, 2015). There’s another opportunity out there just waiting to be taken advantage of – cell phone service.

Yesterday’s haul of junk mail included six (6!) offers of fabulous savings just waiting to be doled out in exchange for trading in my current cell service. Offers included a flat rate offer of $20/month and another of $30/month, one with a free phone and one with two free phones, one with a new phone, one with savings of up to 60% off, and one for half of whatever I might be paying now.

I did a little figuring and if I trade in my phone for the new service with 2 new phones then switch to the $20/month plan for each of those then take 60% off and finally move on to the half of what I would then currently be paying I could get service for $6/month and end up with an extra phone that I could sell.

Makes you wonder how these guys stay in business.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Does this sweater make me look fat?

Michael Leave a comment

You have one more week to plan for it. National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day is next Friday, December 18. Those of you in a different nation do not fret. Even though titled “National,” the Ugly Christmas Sweater Day event is celebrated the third Friday of December worldwide.

Celebrate is certainly appropriate. Only in its fifth official unofficial year it has sparked a national 5K run benefitting Save the Children and a once a year excuse to wear something comfortable to work.

I think it’s your basic tons of fun (or kilograms of cool for those metrically inclined). But this is from someone who used to wear a tux, top hat, and groundhog lapel plush to work every February 2. Wearing a brightly (and sometimes lighted) pullover to work is almost conservative dress.

What I don’t understand is why we insist on calling it an “Ugly Christmas Sweater?” They may be loudly colored, gaudily patterned, and outrageously unflattering but that doesn’t make them ugly. Indeed, ugly and Christmas are two words that just don’t go together.

Not at all. Not at all indeed.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Out to Pasture

Michael Leave a comment

2015 is an historic year in the world of horse racing. If you owned a television or a computer or a newspaper subscription you couldn’t have missed the first Triple Crown winner in 37 years. That’s not historic. It happened before. It was 37 years ago but still it had happened. No history was made.  History was made when American Pharoah (yes, that really is spelled wrong but that’s part of his charm) won horse racing’s Grand Slam – the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness Stakes, the Belmont Stakes, and The Breeders’ Cup Classic. He is the first horse to win all four races. Ever. That’s history.

It is also a fitting end to his active racing career. It is now time to for this stud to, ah, retire and go stand stud. The breeding company who handles American Pharoah’s breeding business has set a price of $200,000 per, umm, coupling. If he stands for 160 mares a year, a not unrealistic number, he stands to make $32 million a year. A thoroughbred’s average lifespan is 25 to 30 years, he is 3 years old, so he has 22 to 27 years to, uh, horse around. Just to make math a little easier, in twenty years he gets to make about $640 million with a couple years left over to relax, travel, maybe visit the grandkids, and have a bronze statue of him cast for posterity.

I too retired this year. Figuring the lifespan of my immediate predecessors I also could have about 22 to 27 years to go. I figure my retirement plan is worth about $32,000 a year and I further figure I will probably stand in the grocery store checkout lane about 160 times a year. In twenty years I’ll have made the princely sum of $640,000 and will still have a couple of years to sit around on my posterior.

I wonder if in my next life I can come back as a racehorse.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Pride Goeth Before Just About Everything – And With Good Reason

Michael 1 Comment

It was a while ago that I was on my way to an appointment and was there early. Very early. Most of the time I hit my appointments just about on time. This particular morning I was way off. I left too early, drove too fast, got no red lights, did who knows what but for some reason I was early with a capital ‘E.’ No problem. I’ll have breakfast.

I slipped into a hole in the wall diner and had a remarkably tasty omelet with chorizo, onions, jalapenos, tomatoes, salsa, and sour cream. This was after the waitress ran through the morning’s specials including a pancake special. I was told their pancakes are always special, so special that people come from all over for their pancakes. When I was finished and the waitress was clearing my place I mentioned that the omelet was very good, just as good as I’m sure the pancakes would have been. It was the salsa. The salsa was very good, very fresh, not too hot but authoritative enough to hold one’s attention. Oh yes, she agreed that it was good salsa. She went on to tell me that they sell it by the quart jar and, in fact, people come from all over for their salsa. As I was at the register paying my bill I noticed again that one of the specials was two eggs any style served over corned beef hash. I like corned beef hash and had I thought more of it when I ordered I would have taken advantage of that special. And I must have said that out loud because the lady running the cash register said that they make their own hash and I would have liked it. Everybody likes it. In fact, people come from all over for their hash.

Those were some people who were very sure of the products they were persuading the public to purchase. I‘m certain that had I brought it up I would have been assured that people come from all over for their oatmeal. Someday I’ll go back there for lunch and see what the world beats a path there for after 11. I’m sure that the lunch crowd comes from all over also.

That crowd might even be larger than usual. You see, when I got to my appointment two employees on the other side of the reception window were discussing lunch. I happened to mention the diner I had just come from and mentioned that they had a pretty good breakfast there and I bet lunch would be good also. They commented that they had indeed never been there; it looked too much like a hole in the wall for them to take a chance. Now that they heard good stuff about it, that might be where they end up when the lunch bell rings.

Contrast that with another day when I was sitting at a pizza parlor waiting for a calzone for my lunch of the day. A pleasant enough place with good enough food, good enough that when I feel the need for something that I would not ordinarily make for myself, like a calzone, I’ll let them make it for me. While I was waiting another diner walked in and asked if there were any lunch specials. The girl at the “Order Here!” corner of the counter looked up and said, “The specials are written on the window.”

You know, I bet I can find another pizza place that can make a good calzone.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

If Only Restaurants Did Outpatient Surgery

Michael Leave a comment

Regular readers noted that there was nothing to read on Monday. Unfortunately, I spent Monday at the hospital and hadn’t had time to schedule a post for then. Nothing horrible, just a little procedure. The last time I wandered into a hospital it was five months before I wandered back home. Thus I can be a little skittish about returning there.

While I was waiting there my mind wandered. It almost always does. I got to thinking about a post we did more than three years ago, “If Only the ER Served Margaritas,” a tale of an adventure we had at a local restaurant comparing the level of activity to that of the local emergency room. While I was thinking of that, I started noticing how much the hospital resembles one’s regular eatery. Stay with me here.

You know how at a restaurant or tavern where you might be a regular there will always be a place for you. And when you get that place you will always be handed your menus, served your usuals, or surprised with an appetizer. Well, when I got to the hospital I was greeted by name by the surgery gatekeeper, bypassed the waiting room, and led directly to the first prep room inside the pre-op area. There my doctor was already waiting for me and went over the procedure like I had never had it done before.

Back at dinner where they know you, all of the wait staff will drop by, say hello, and give you their opinion of the best entrée of the evening. Your waitperson knows if you want ice or not in your water, will make certain that you haven’t changed your favorite beverage, and knows just how long you’ll chat over the starter before bringing your main courses. Back at the hospital where they know you, the phlebotomist knows what vein to use when you’re normally a “hard stick” for anybody else, the pre-op nurse just has to fill in anything new to your history, and the anesthesiologist knows exactly how much is enough. Those not directly involved in your care that day will still stop, say hello, and see how you’re doing as they walk by your area.

After the main course at the restaurant you don’t even get a dessert menu, those taking care of you will tell you the best available and all you have to decide is one portion or two. After the main event at the hospital you wake up to a can of ginger ale and some saltines without ever having to ask.

Ok, so it’s not as much fun as dinner and a margarita but coming off a five month hospital tour I had to make it some fun!

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?
(Read the original, it’s a lot better if I say so myself.)

Buy, Save, Repeat

Michael 2 Comments

Congratulations!  You are about to discover a sure fire way of making money at home.  No, it’s not stuffing envelopes or even the twenty-first century equivalent, sending out serial e-mails.  No, it’s not completing surveys or even the old-fashioned equivalent, convincing patsies that they can make money by giving others their opinions.  It’s not coupon clipping, rebate responding, or cyber shopping.  It’s insurance!  Specifically, auto insurance.

Lately my mailboxes, old-fashioned and new-fangled, have become repositories for solicitations to change my car insurance.  I’ve had the same insurance for over 20 years and they say that is when one should seriously consider switching.  Complacency builds and what was a bargain then can be a wallet buster now.  So I took a good look at some of the offers and discovered that there indeed was money to be saved.  In fact, there was money to be made.

Every offer had some huge savings that I was overlooking.  There were savings of $400, $450, even $500 to be had.  There were premiums as low as $19 per month.  There were offers of 75% off of what I am currently paying. It didn’t matter if it was a big company, little company, on-line only, or multi-service.  The insurance version of the name brands – Liberty Mutual, Travelers, Nationwide – were represented.  The ones nobody had ever heard of but sounding like the name brands – Safeco, National, 21st Auto – were there.  The ones with cute ads – Farmers, GEICO, Progressive – were in on it too.  Everybody wanted to save me money!  Everyone from Allstate to State Farm had cash to offer. How nice of them.

So, here is the plan.  Step one, switch to one of the low premium companies.  The best plan is to replace my current insurance with one that has a monthly premium of the low, low price of $19.  Once that’s established, trade it in for 75% savings over my now new cost for a newer, lower, lower outlay that comes out to the remarkably low, low, even lower as in less than $5 per month.  Now, switch to the dollar savings that range from $415, to $450, to $500 for a total savings of $1365.  Subtract the $5 premium payment and we net an income of $1, 360!  There are enough companies offering these fantastic savings that we can do this at least three times for a total money haul of over $4,000.  That’s a used car.  Not a very good one but a car just the same.  And where there’s a car there’s a need for car insurance.

Car insurance, – a sure fire way of making money at home.  Buy, save, repeat.  You gotta love it!

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Let’s Stay In Touch

Michael Leave a comment

It’s much too early to make any New Year’s resolutions.  (If you haven’t already, you can see our thoughts on New Year’s resolutions at “Revolving Resolutions (Dec. 30, 2013), Resolving to Keep It Real (Dec. 31, 2012), Be It Resolved (Jan. 2, 2012), and/or Be It Further Resolved (March 22, 2012).)  However, it might be just the right time to make a New Year’s Eve resolution.

It was sometime last week when there were five people and four oh-so-smart phones at the table all at the same time.  This was He’s extended family and usually that group can never find any of their phones.  But for some reason, on that day everybody but one (and oddly enough that was the youngest of the group and a true card carrying member of the “Don’t Leave Home Without It As Long As It Is a Phone Brigade”) had his or her cell phone strapped, perched, or holstered onto his or her body or close by.  Miraculously, nobody’s phone made a peep during the meal which is why all of them were at the table at the same time.  But the site of all that electronic wizardry did start a story.  And so it went.

Once upon a time, staying in touch was easy.  If you wanted to speak with someone you called that someone.  Landline and then cell phone calls were an easy push button distance to just about anyone.  If nobody answered there was usually an answering machine or voice mail willing to take a message.  Even as home computing became the norm, e-mail was available and handy for sending large amounts of information or even sharing files.  And thus we managed quite well getting our lunches planned, our rides scheduled, and our points across.

And then the madness struck!

It was even before the smart phone revolution.  Texting.  At first, only the 13-18 demographic texted.  It made perfect sense.  Texts were free.  Calls were still charged by the minute.  Parents knew about every call made.  Parents cared less about texts.  They showed up on bills as numbers of but followed by NC – No Charge.  HW!  (How Wonderful).  As the 13-18 year olds aged, their favored means of communication improved.  Texts became faster and clearer.  And as the texting became easier, the parents and other fogies suddenly realized they too could be saving time and money.  What two better things are there to save.

With the time saved they all became users of Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Linked In, Skype, YouTube, and YouNameIt.  Many, many ways to stay in touch.  Then problems started arising when people started realizing they were on too many services to stay on all of them as much as they wanted.  And thus, each picked a favorite.  All different favorites!  But they rarely shared which was their favored favorite.  So if you want to reach your best friend you have call, leave a message, then text, then private message on Facebook.  At least one of those will be ringing, humming, or vibrating your recipient’s phone.  If all else fails, there’s always e-mail and maybe a landline phone call, possibly to the work number.

So what’s the resolution?  For the callee, everybody should resolve to tell everybody they really want to hear from how to reach them.  And don’t get miffed if someone picks the wrong means.  Stuff happens you know.  And for the caller, make certain you listen to all your contacts and somewhere mark their preferred means of…. No, how about once you send out the message you give your intended recipient enough time to get back before you…. No, make sure you’re using the right platform for the right…. No, how about don’t assume that your favorite means of being gotten hold of is everybody’s favorite…. Oh heck, was it really that important anyway?

Tell you what, have your people get hold of our people and we’ll do lunch.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

McYouWon’tBelieveThisOne

Michael Leave a comment

It was there for a while.  A little while to be sure, but to be sure, it was there.  Or they were there.  Those two words.  Those two words that are almost never heard at a fast food drive through window.  Thank you.  So rare are they that we were certain they had just been substituted by some unfamiliar phrase and thus we posted a page of translations one might find useful when pulling around to Window Number One (“The 21st Century Drive-Through Translator,”  May 8, 2014). Now, however, after a more recent visit to Drive Through Land, he is certain that those words, or lack of them, are iceberg tip zone.

It was a couple weeks ago that he was starved and needed something to eat and needed it fast.  Ahead of him he saw arches and pigtails and crowns.  Didn’t matter where he stopped, they were basically interchangeable.  He pulled into the first one and saw only one mini-van at the speaker.  This should be quick he thought.  Mini-van equals kids, equals kid meals, equals one-two-three ordering.  Wrong!

As he pulled behind the van and lowered his window he caught the sound of the lady ordering loud enough that she could have done so without the speaker set-up.  “…and a bacon ranch salad without the bacon.”  A pause presumably while she read the read-out on the speaker’s screen.  “Not a side salad.  A bacon ranch salad, hold the bacon.”  The response came through just as loud. “That is a side salad with ranch dressing.”  “No it’s not.”  Here is where he should have turned around and moved on to contestant restaurant Number Two.

Eventually the mini-van lady and the disembodied speaker voice came to an agreement of what kind of salad she was going to get (even though nobody really understands why these places serve salads anyway).  She pulled around to Window Number One and he gave his order which the headless speaker person totaled to $4.28.  He reached into his change cup, pulled out a quarter and three pennies, felt for a bill in his pocket hoping to snag either a five or a ten and was relieved to find a ten between his fingers, and made his own way to Window Number One, the very window where the mini-van was still stationed!

“…don’t ever change my order again like that.  If I ask for a salad I want that salad not a little side salad.  I know what you people make on those things.  Is that the phone number to call complaints to.  I’m dialing it now.”  And off to Window Number Two she went, probably misdialing all the way.

He took the now vacated place, the no longer headless voice repeated his total, and he passed over the bill and four coins.  The young lady in the window asked if he wanted his receipt, he said no thank you and waited for his change.  Instead of money she handed him his receipt (yes, the very one he said he didn’t need) and uttered those immortal words, “There you go.”  He continued to wait and when she didn’t get it he tried a verbal cue.  “Hmm, my change?”  “You gave me 28 cents,” she said.  “Yes,” he said, “but not with a four dollar bill.”

He looked up and saw that the mini-van was still at Window Number Two.  He wondered if the mini-van lady was ever a drive through worker.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Giving Thursday?

Michael Leave a comment

It’s been a week around here.  Quite a week.  Quite a month.  We made it through Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, and Giving Tuesday.  And let’s not forget the days leading to and away from these occasions.  What do they have in common?  Giving with a side of Guilt.  We can all admit it.  If it wasn’t for the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas, a lot of us would never get the chance to declare “Charitable Contributions” on next year’s tax return.

Around here one of the local television stations has been for years a major sponsor for an annual Thanksgiving food drive. For weeks they would broadcast PSAs encouraging donations to the local food bank to build the coffers as strong as possible for a special Thanksgiving distribution.  They even convinced a local bank to match cash donations physically made at the bank.  The day before Thanksgiving they announced the total amount raised.  An impressive amount but the amount isn’t important.  What is important is that even then, after all the food was packed, the turkeys were ready, and the meals were being prepared, people wanted to know if they could still donate to the food bank.

It was on Thanksgiving morning that the news programs all led off with interviews of volunteers at missions, shelters, kitchens, or what you will call them who open their doors to feed the poor and homeless.  While the organizers told of the number of men, women, and families who would stop in both to serve and be served, the cameras panned the pans of turkey, stuffing, vegetables, soup, and pies.  And on each TV station the intrepid reporter would ask if they had enough volunteers for that day if someone wanted to stop by to help.

The evening newscast on Giving Tuesday made certain that viewers realized that even though it was late in the day there was still time to hit the Internet to find a worthwhile charitable organization to accept donations.  They also had stories on the Salvation Army’s Red Kettle Campaign, the local clothing drives, and the donations car dealers would make to various associations if one test drove or bought a vehicle.

All of these had some sort of sense of urgency to them.  It was as though those who were responsible for these various drives knew that if the public didn’t get around to giving now it could be another year before people gave of their spare change or their spare time.

It might be that this is the time when wallets are opened more regularly but most people recognize that there are hungry people in May just as there are in December.  That a dollar donated to the free energy fund in spring still heats the water as it does in winter.  That a light jacket in April is just as appreciated as a warm scarf in January.

The needy have no season.  Unfortunate circumstances can befall any one any day.  If you didn’t get the chance to donate to your food bank, coat drive, or other charity this week, there will always be time.  It might have a catchy ring to it but Giving has no special day.  If you missed last Tuesday there are 364 other days to pick from.  And we believe that most do.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.