Tag Quality

Animal Magnetism

Michael 7 Comments

For those wondering, Jingle seems to be adapting well to life as a tri-pawed. I could stop there but I also could get an entire post out of that thought. Let’s roll with it!

Animals adapt. That’s not an original thought. Animals adapt to their environment. We have not when we ought to have been.

Animals respond. Animals hear you. They may not always do what you want but they hear and they listen. We talk far too more often when we should be listening.

Animals love. It’s not unconditional as everyone would have you believe (try not feeding your pet this week and see how much they love you on Saturday), but it is constant.

Animals like. More important than loving each other, animals like even more. Treat an animal kindly and it will respond in kind. And in kindness.

Animals are honest. They always tell you exactly how they feel. You don’t hear a dog telling you the cat is dangerous while firmly clamping down on your hand with they teeth and jaws.

Animals think for themselves and got their own way. Enough said.

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I’ll See That

Michael Leave a comment

Now that the airspace during our favorite television shows have been returned to consumer advertisers I can return to hating to see a commercial come on simply because it’s annoying. Given that I spent a fair amount of money on my daughter’s degree in advertising and that hopefully it will be remembered fondly when she someday selects my nursing home, I should probably be more grateful that businesses are still advertising. But that hasn’t yet stopped me from uploading a couple dozen posts that rant on about ads.

My favorite ad annoyances are fine print on television commercials and pictures of things that don’t quite look like what is being sold. Apparently in an effort to make my annoyance easier to manage, advertisers combine the two topics onto one image allowing me to create a multi-tasked rant. Yes, small print that actually says the picture is not quite what is being sold.

In a TV commercial for a mattress sale I noticed the disclaimer in small white font that said, “Mattress photographs are for illustration purposes only.” What does that mean? I hope it’s not their way of saying look at this pretty mattress and look at this great price, and if you just come into the store we will be happy to show you what mattress you really get for this price.

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Car makers have been good about adding fine print to their ads for years. It’s often only a half a shade darker than the background making it effectively illegible even if it wasn’t sized smaller than a well-proportioned dust mite. In addition to disclaimers that models shown may be of a different model year than the current, that some equipment is optional, and that dealers set the actual prices, I spotted one that actually said the one pictured is nice but is roughly $13,000 more than the big numbers that you can read.

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I suppose those who are responsible for the fine print (aka corporate lawyers) can argue that we should be happy that they are encouraging their clients to be forthright and truthful in their advertising. But I’m willing to bet that when they submit their bills to their clients that they make sure the total due is in a pretty good sized font.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Sandwiched In

Michael 1 Comment

Sometime over the past several years you have seen a news story, read an on-line article, or seen a magazine article on fast food advertising. Two things are always stressed in these reports – that the advertisers must use the same ingredients that the restaurant uses to make the sandwiches in the ads, and the sandwiches in the ads never look like what you get squished into that bag that you exchanged a bunch of dollar bills for.

There are always lots of excuses. They use special angles and shoot with optimal lighting. Their toppings might be a bit fresher than what the restaurants are using. And my favorite excuse, they don’t cook the food. Apparently when you cook meat it shrinks and when you wrap lettuce in aluminum foil on top of a hot sandwich it wilts. Quel surpise! Here’s an idea. How about not putting the toppings on until the sandwich is ordered? By I’m just talking to the wind.

When advertisers photograph a shirt or a blouse they have to get one from the production line for the picture. The model can be as fresh or as manipulated as you please but the product has to be what you can reasonably expect to find in the store. Why would expect the same requirements for the food we eat? But as I said, I’m just talking to the wind. Or am I?

Take a look at this. This is a sandwich from a local restaurant that has earned its reputation from its sandwiches.

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This particular sandwich was bought, bagged, tossed in the car, sat there while I stopped for gas, finally arrived home, plopped on the table, unwrapped, and picked up to be heartily devoured. That’s when I stopped and snapped off a shot. It probably isn’t that great of a picture because I don’t belong to the “take a picture of your food before you eat it” generation and it still looks like a pretty good sandwich to me. The funny thing about this local chain. They don’t advertise.

Imagine that picture handled by the food stylists responsible for making your McBurger look appetizing. That might be better than porn.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Prior Performance

Michael Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been sitting closer to the television so I’ve been reading the small print on television ads. Just another of the benefits of getting older.

Small print is hard enough to read. On television it’s monumentally hard to read. It’s usually in white and on a light or nearly white background, small enough to qualify as fine print in a print ad, and verbose enough to be a politician while remaining on the screen for a bit less than the heartbeat of an out of shape stair climber.

If your efforts with the on-line speed reading course were successful, you actually may get the opportunity to read televised fine print. And if you do, you will find it’s not at all very informative.

Extensive research (and not at all scientific let me tell you) says that the third most popular phrase in that fine print is “past performance does not guarantee future results” or similar. (The second most common phrase is “Limited time offer, expires [sometime 8 months from now].” The most common phrase is “dramatization” and/or “actor portrayal” so you can separate fact from fiction without straining your brain while separating them.)

Past performance does not guarantee future results? Excuse me, isn’t that what you are advertising, your past performance? This is especially popular among lawyers, bankers, stock brokers, trade school placement offices, and purveyors of commemorative plates. It’s the advertising fine print equivalent of saying “not responsible for lost or stolen luggage.” Feel free to substitute “your hard earned money” for “luggage.”

Imagine what those lawyers and bankers and others would say if other advertisers blithely asked for you to buy from them while at the same time reminding you that what they are selling may or may not actually do what you are buying. For examples:

….. Orange Juice: Translation = You know us as the brand that uses nothing but fresh oranges to make our juice but your next bottle might have some juiced brussel sprouts.

…..Tires: Translation = Our tires have long been known for their ability to grip the road, resist punctures, and last thousands and thousands of miles. Unfortunately the ones we just shipped to the stores are really old retreads and bald ones at that.

…..Dishwashing liquid: Translation = You may need to use most of the bottle if you expect clean dishes.

….. Luxury SUV: Translation = Can you say Family Truckster?

….. Toilet paper: Let’s not even go there.

Past performance does not guarantee future results. You never hear airlines say that when they are talking about on-time performance. Hmmm.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Life Needs a Soundtrack

Michael Leave a comment

Do you know a problem with real reality? There are no clues to what’s coming next. Life needs a soundtrack.

Watch any movie or television show, even the so-called “reality” shows, and you see that they all have musical accompaniment. It’s quite clear when someone or something is to be happy, sad, humorous, suspenseful, romantic, mysterious, thrilling, or chilling. Just about the only time the background is silent is when the director intends for extreme drama. Even commercials have background music. Everything from auto insurance to male erectile dysfunction therapy has an associated tune. Why can’t we.

It sounded like a good idea when it popped into my head. Heaven knows there’s enough music up there. I’m always mentally humming a tune, a jingle, a theme. How hard would it be for that to be amplified and spill out around me so I know for sure what mood I’m in – not to mention everyone else who might be in the area?

It’s hard enough to get through a day without being misunderstood. Think of all the relationships that could be saved if there was a full orchestra ready to turn despair to hope, hope to thought, and thought to action. Imagine the peace people could experience if daily routines were spiced up with a bluesy southern anthem or smoothed out by a soft jazz composition. Think of your daily commute to the tune of a driving chorus instead of the tune of blaring horns and mufflers in need of repair.

If you really want to explore this idea, can we consider making life a musical? On second thought, I don’t know if I can handle a sudden eruption of song and dance while standing in line at the deli counter. “You’re the ham that I want. Ooo, ooo, ooo honey,” doesn’t run trippingly off the tongue even if you are looking for that tasty lunchmeat. No, just a soft background perhaps of Dave Matthews Band’s Pig song.

Like I said, it sounded like a good idea when it popped into my head.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Pride Goeth Before Just About Everything – And With Good Reason

Michael 1 Comment

It was a while ago that I was on my way to an appointment and was there early. Very early. Most of the time I hit my appointments just about on time. This particular morning I was way off. I left too early, drove too fast, got no red lights, did who knows what but for some reason I was early with a capital ‘E.’ No problem. I’ll have breakfast.

I slipped into a hole in the wall diner and had a remarkably tasty omelet with chorizo, onions, jalapenos, tomatoes, salsa, and sour cream. This was after the waitress ran through the morning’s specials including a pancake special. I was told their pancakes are always special, so special that people come from all over for their pancakes. When I was finished and the waitress was clearing my place I mentioned that the omelet was very good, just as good as I’m sure the pancakes would have been. It was the salsa. The salsa was very good, very fresh, not too hot but authoritative enough to hold one’s attention. Oh yes, she agreed that it was good salsa. She went on to tell me that they sell it by the quart jar and, in fact, people come from all over for their salsa. As I was at the register paying my bill I noticed again that one of the specials was two eggs any style served over corned beef hash. I like corned beef hash and had I thought more of it when I ordered I would have taken advantage of that special. And I must have said that out loud because the lady running the cash register said that they make their own hash and I would have liked it. Everybody likes it. In fact, people come from all over for their hash.

Those were some people who were very sure of the products they were persuading the public to purchase. I‘m certain that had I brought it up I would have been assured that people come from all over for their oatmeal. Someday I’ll go back there for lunch and see what the world beats a path there for after 11. I’m sure that the lunch crowd comes from all over also.

That crowd might even be larger than usual. You see, when I got to my appointment two employees on the other side of the reception window were discussing lunch. I happened to mention the diner I had just come from and mentioned that they had a pretty good breakfast there and I bet lunch would be good also. They commented that they had indeed never been there; it looked too much like a hole in the wall for them to take a chance. Now that they heard good stuff about it, that might be where they end up when the lunch bell rings.

Contrast that with another day when I was sitting at a pizza parlor waiting for a calzone for my lunch of the day. A pleasant enough place with good enough food, good enough that when I feel the need for something that I would not ordinarily make for myself, like a calzone, I’ll let them make it for me. While I was waiting another diner walked in and asked if there were any lunch specials. The girl at the “Order Here!” corner of the counter looked up and said, “The specials are written on the window.”

You know, I bet I can find another pizza place that can make a good calzone.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

McYouWon’tBelieveThisOne

Michael Leave a comment

It was there for a while.  A little while to be sure, but to be sure, it was there.  Or they were there.  Those two words.  Those two words that are almost never heard at a fast food drive through window.  Thank you.  So rare are they that we were certain they had just been substituted by some unfamiliar phrase and thus we posted a page of translations one might find useful when pulling around to Window Number One (“The 21st Century Drive-Through Translator,”  May 8, 2014). Now, however, after a more recent visit to Drive Through Land, he is certain that those words, or lack of them, are iceberg tip zone.

It was a couple weeks ago that he was starved and needed something to eat and needed it fast.  Ahead of him he saw arches and pigtails and crowns.  Didn’t matter where he stopped, they were basically interchangeable.  He pulled into the first one and saw only one mini-van at the speaker.  This should be quick he thought.  Mini-van equals kids, equals kid meals, equals one-two-three ordering.  Wrong!

As he pulled behind the van and lowered his window he caught the sound of the lady ordering loud enough that she could have done so without the speaker set-up.  “…and a bacon ranch salad without the bacon.”  A pause presumably while she read the read-out on the speaker’s screen.  “Not a side salad.  A bacon ranch salad, hold the bacon.”  The response came through just as loud. “That is a side salad with ranch dressing.”  “No it’s not.”  Here is where he should have turned around and moved on to contestant restaurant Number Two.

Eventually the mini-van lady and the disembodied speaker voice came to an agreement of what kind of salad she was going to get (even though nobody really understands why these places serve salads anyway).  She pulled around to Window Number One and he gave his order which the headless speaker person totaled to $4.28.  He reached into his change cup, pulled out a quarter and three pennies, felt for a bill in his pocket hoping to snag either a five or a ten and was relieved to find a ten between his fingers, and made his own way to Window Number One, the very window where the mini-van was still stationed!

“…don’t ever change my order again like that.  If I ask for a salad I want that salad not a little side salad.  I know what you people make on those things.  Is that the phone number to call complaints to.  I’m dialing it now.”  And off to Window Number Two she went, probably misdialing all the way.

He took the now vacated place, the no longer headless voice repeated his total, and he passed over the bill and four coins.  The young lady in the window asked if he wanted his receipt, he said no thank you and waited for his change.  Instead of money she handed him his receipt (yes, the very one he said he didn’t need) and uttered those immortal words, “There you go.”  He continued to wait and when she didn’t get it he tried a verbal cue.  “Hmm, my change?”  “You gave me 28 cents,” she said.  “Yes,” he said, “but not with a four dollar bill.”

He looked up and saw that the mini-van was still at Window Number Two.  He wondered if the mini-van lady was ever a drive through worker.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

In Pursuit of (a Thankful) Perfection

Michael 1 Comment

A few years ago He of We included in the Thanksgiving blessing thanks to God for making the family somewhat dysfunctional.  After all the relatives were done gasping and sputtering he explained that the imperfections are what keep the family together as we all support those who need it when they need it.  A few weeks ago on some television show he heard the head of the household give his fictional blessing thanking God for his imperfect family.  After all the relatives were done gasping and sputtering he explained that the imperfections are what keep the family together as they support those who need it when they need it.  Somebody has been paying attention.

What fun is it if everybody gets along all the time?  How would anybody grow if there was never an incentive to be better tomorrow than one is today?  Isn’t part of giving thanks improving from year to year – from day to day even?  Otherwise it’s just an exercise for everybody else to conform to one person’s idea of normal, regardless of how abnormal that normal may be – or might even be is.

Once upon a time all of the traditions that we hold so dear on Thanksgiving weren’t.  They weren’t traditions, they weren’t habits, they might not have even been normal.  But they stuck.  For some reason everybody decided that on Thanksgiving we would have turkey and stuffing with cranberry dressing.  Turkeys are impossible to cook properly, cranberries are the sourest of all the fall fruits we could possibly pick, and to quote a well know TV celebrity chef, stuffing is evil.  Somehow, this terrible trio became the standard for our most family-centric holiday.

Eventually we learned how to prep that bird so it stayed juicy throughout cooking, figured out how to sweeten those bog berries, and learned that you could make a stuffing that actually cooked all the way through when you do it in Pyrex rather than poultry.  The imperfections guided our practices to make a new normal.

So this week when you are practicing your blessing, think about not just what you are thankful for but what you’d wish you could change.  Then be thankful that you might get the chance to change them.

Who knows, maybe someday our Thanksgiving feast will start at 9 in the morning so one can be first in line at the Pre-Black-Friday Sale as part of a new tradition.  Yeah, right.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Everything Old Is New Again

Michael Leave a comment

It’s that most wonderful time of the year again.  Well, it’s that time of the year again.  That time when every department store has a CD player in the shape of a 1950s jukebox, every home improvement store has next to the high tech LED lights those big C-3 bulbs, and every video department has “Miracle on 34th Street,” “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Frosty the Snowman.”  Yes, it’s retro time!

Retro is an interesting concept.  Can’t come up with an original idea?  Retro it!  Can’t come up with a winning idea?  Retro it!  Can’t come up with any idea that won’t get you fired before the holiday breaks?  Retro it!  And quite often it works.

There truly is more right than wrong when it comes to retro.  Consider these.  Look at all of the retro car designs that have hit the road in the past few years.  The underpinnings were new but the looks from the Chevy HHR to the Ford Mustang were based on clear winners from the past.

Check out some of the most recent movies to hit the big screens.  “Walk Among the Tombstones” released a couple of months ago is based on a Lawrence Block novel published in 1992.  The Bond flick “Casino Royale” from 2006 was written in 1967.  The upcoming “Imitation Game” is based on the 1983 publication The Enigma.

Entire television networks have been built around classic television shows from the 50s, 60s, and 70s.    Feel free to consider this as retro-programming.  Sometimes the networks will even run original commercials with the shows.  Now that’s retro!

Fashion, furniture, and architecture are rediscovering styles from a generation or two past.  Classic art is experiencing a resurgence in galleries and at auctions.  Even food is going retro.  The hottest meat in town is buffalo – that would be burgers, not wings.  And they are being sold out of trucks a la Mr. Softee.  Modern is taking some time off so we can appreciate what was.

Obviously there is much more right with retro than there is wrong.  It’s the seasonal stuff that one sees in catalogs and weekly ad flyers that give retro a certain queasiness.  You can’t even make a cheap imported CD player look like a classic jukebox let alone create the feel of a 1950s diner in your family room just because now you can play Lady Gaga in a plastic box with an arched top and blinking lights.  So let’s leave the retro to those who know what they are doing and how to develop it for today’s markets.

Now if you really want to gift your favorite bloggers with a 1950s style jukebox, type “Jukebox for sale” into your favorite search engine. Skip the results that start with “CD” and peruse the remaining offerings.  There’s a corner in the family room ready to go.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Let’s Go Clubbing!

Michael 1 Comment

The holidays are coming.  Some of the retailer advertisements would have had you believe that the holidays came a couple of months ago but with Thanksgiving rolling in next week and Christmas just another month after that, we feel pretty confident saying they are looming.  Soon all our free time will be taken up with cooking, baking, and decorating.  If you’re looking for that last piece of regularly scheduled insanity, this week might be your last chance.  And what better way to close out the insanity than with a weekend at the clubs!

No, not those clubs.  The shopping clubs!  Regardless of the level club you patronize it’s only going to get more frantic from now through Christmas.

To start, there are the classic shopping clubs.  To these you pay a fee for the privilege of being notified of special deals on special days for special people willing to wait especially for that special sale.  Usually only on-line, shopping clubs are clubs in the truest sense.  You have to be invited, you have to pay your dues, and you don’t get to order off the menu.  Gilt Group and Beyond the Rack are two popular shopping clubs.  Some clubs require a membership but without a membership fee.  These are the public pubs of the shopping clubs, usually divisions of other retailers and include Haute Look and Rue La La.

At the other end of the spectrum are the corner bar versions of our clubs.  These are the remainder stores.  Big Lots, Ollie’s, and Tuesday Morning are filled with bargains that nobody else needs, wants, or could sell.  Everybody is welcome and the discounts can be deep.  But be cautious while clubbing at the neighborhood tavern.  Not all of the deals are deals and not all of the merchandise is of the expected deep discount.

The most common of the clubs that will see high level holiday shopping sprees are the warehouse clubs.  Costco, Sam’s and BJs may be the only remaining warehouse clubs in the United States.  Here you pay a fee and buy in large quantities.  So large are the quantities that stand-up comedians have fed on the warehouse clubs since the Price brothers turned an airplane hangar into the first Price Club in 1976.  (If you’re wondering, Price Club eventually merged with Costco.)  You may not need a pallet load of toilet paper but if you want one, the warehouse clubs will sell you one.  Or more.

Yep, it will probably be the warehouse clubs that will be filled this week and weekend as zillions of Christmas lights, mountains of frozen appetizers, plentiful place-settings, hundreds of miles of garland, oodles of electronics, and the occasional occasional chair will be trucked out to pickups and vans and the shopping season opens with a round of clubbing more feverish than Saturday night at a mid-seventies disco.

And they even come with their own cover charge.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.