Tag Pizza

Get your extra savings!

Michael 16 Comments

Last Thursday I went to go to the grocery store. Technically I went to the supermarket. I don’t think there are any just grocery stores left. Wherever I went I thought I’d take a look at the weekly sales circular to see if what I needed was on sale. As I was taking the look I indeed noticed a few items and even a mention to “check the app for extra savings with a digital coupon!”

I used to use coupons. I really did. I wasn’t like those guys on television who shopped with all their coupons in a three-ring binder and a small, personal computer to calculate what combination of coupon, product, and luck would allow them to shop for a family of 12 for a week on $1.78. I was like if I needed something, and I had a coupon for it [ding! ding! ding!], I saved a quarter, fifty cents if it was double coupon day.

Another thing about those coupons, they made sense. They made cents, but yes, they made sense too. When I went to look for the digital coupon for my extra savings I happened to notice 4 different coupons for dishwasher soap tablets. The same dishwasher soap tablets. Too confusing. Not like the old days. One coupon. One product. One saving. Except for pizzas.

I’m talking about paper coupons, so you know whatever just jogged my money wasn’t of something that happened last week. No, this is a little older. Nine years older. Almost ten. It was that long ago that I wrote a post about…are you ready?…pizza shop coupons! Really. And last week’s mini-excursion into the world of digital coupons reminded me of it. Let me remember some if it for you.

From: It’s a Pizza Revolution, err, Resolution, January 5, 2015. (When you see those prices, remember, this was 2015.)

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While cleaning out the old coupon keeper and unpinning overflow restaurant coupons from the coupon board, a myriad of pizza coupons bit the dust – expiration date speaking. Besides the fact that it is remarkably easy to make your own pizza, it is remarkably hard to figure out pizza coupons. Even the big national chains are getting into the “let’s make this so confusing that nobody will ever want to redeem our coupon or take advantage of our special” craze. And that’s just plain crazy.

Let’s start with those national chains. Two pizzas at $5.99 each. What a deal. Oh wait, only Monday through Thursday. Still a deal. And it comes with two toppings. On two pizzas. Now hang on. Just to whom are they marketing this great special of theirs? How often does a family of one want two pizzas? How often does a family of four want two pizzas? While we’re hanging out with that family, have you ever tried to get four people to agree on two pizza toppings? Sometimes you can’t get one person to agree on two toppings! So let’s cross the street to the other chain. Any large pizza for $7.99. But we’re back to two toppings. Unless you want bacon. Then it’s $12.99 for one topping. Don’t confuse that with the “Any Pizza for $11.00” deal. That all depends on do you want carry-out or order online. While we’re at it, do you drive to work or carry your lunch? Sheesh.

Since those guys are no help let’s visit a local shop. I have a coupon from one for a large pizza with one topping, a twelve inch hoagie, an order of breadsticks and a bottle of cola. Too much for your family of seventeen? Another shop has one large pizza with one topping for only $10. If it’s Thursday you can get two toppings on that large pizza for the same $10. And if you like that you can super-duper size it to five large pizzas with one topping for only $45. You can use the savings for your co-pay at the cardiologist.

An interesting thing about these specials is that all of the coupons specify no substitutions and to mention the coupon when ordering.  Why? It’s not like these are secret savings to special card carrying members of the “I Like Your Pizza Parlor” club. These come every week in every newspaper, hard copy mailings, e-mail blasts, on the Internet, on their Facebook pages, and taped to the top of the box when you actually do order something. Substitutions? Who understands the offer to begin with!

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Thanks for walking down Memory Lane with me. That was fun. That’s why I still make my own pizza however I want it. Thursday through Wednesday only. (Bonus: Follow the link to the original post for my pizza dough recipe. No coupon required.) 

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The words you pick and how you say them can drive you toward the positive or leave you with negative memories. One is more fun. Your mindset matters. That’s what we say, and we said it in the most recent UpLift. Read it here. Read it now!

 

I’ll have mine with coffee please

Michael 2 Comments

This is the day sweet toothed snackers and pastry enthusiasts wait for every year – Pi Day, or as probably a large percentage of those pie eaters would write it out, and for as much as they care of its significance – Pie Day. Now that opens a whole new line of thought. Exactly what does pi actually do in the real world? And while we’re at it, why pi?

That second question is easier to answer. Everybody, even those insisting on it being Pie Day, knows pi (without the ‘e’) has something to do with math and some of those everybodies might even know it’s most closely associated with circles. Pi is the relationship of a circle’s, any circle’s circumference to its diameter. There’s a great two-minute video here that demonstrates that with a touch of humor and extra pepperoni. Although the concept of pi (again, without the ‘e’) was first demonstrated in the third century B.C., it wasn’t until 1706 on this side of the Common Era dividing line that British mathematician William Jones decided the Greek letter and symbol would make a dandy stand in for 3.14 etc.etc.etc. in calculations. But Leonhard Euler (yes, the is THE Euler) made it popular in his textbooks and justified the Greek Pi, corresponding to P, because pi is all about the perimeter (or circumference) of a circle. (In case you’re wondering, pie (with the ‘e’) has been around since about 6,000 B.C..)

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Now the first question isn’t actually hard to answer. It is hard to pin it down to less than a few hundred dozen applications that are possible only because somebody, sometime, somewhere worked out the calculations to make whatever it is work, using pi. These include radio waves that not only make AM radio possible, but blue tooth that is powering those high priced ear buds you have sitting on your desk.  Not straying too far from there, the GPS function of your phone wouldn’t be possible today if some engineer hadn’t tossed pi into an equation or three. And just that you can talk to your phone or home assistant is possible because voice recognition schemes all use pi to calculate and translate vocal waveforms into computerese. But, you ask, what can you do with it?

If you so wanted to, you could use pi to calculate how much water it takes to fill the kid’s backyard swimming pool, how much stain you need to cover the floor of the gazebo, or how much frosting to make to adequately decorate the surprise party birthday cake. Even more practical is determining what size electrical conduit to buy for that remodel you’re DIY-ing, or how much pie filling you need for the deep dish apple pie the kids are expecting after dinner. Yes, I know, there are charts and recipes for all these things. But now you know you could calculate the answer if all the computers in the world suddenly stopped working or worse, decided to take over and not talk to us anymore. Not too far-fetched you know. Didn’t you ever see “Colossus: The Forbin Project?” (Or one not so evil, like EMARAC from “Desk Set.” If the computers are going to take over, that’s the one I want, as long as Ms. Warriner comes with it.)

So now, go off and eat your pie today, today being Pi Day, or Pie Day if you must. And remember, ask not what pi can do for you, ask if you get whipped cream with it!

2 + 2 5 (6)

 

 

Dear Santa

Michael 2 Comments
Not every year but often enough I’ve shared a letter to Santa here and that overgrown elf didn’t even have the decency even to reply with regrets. Just blew me off. I get it. I’m older than 6 and I asked for impossible things. You know the kind of stuff people ask for when they are putting their Christmas list on line – peace on earth, enough goodwill to choke a horse, and a good take out pizza at a decent price that feeds less than eight.
 
So this year I’m simplifying my requests. I’d still like peace on earth and goodwill to all people regardless of gender identification, but let’s scale back some of the top tier requests. For instance, Dear Santa, please bring me…
 
A phone book. Seriously, have you ever successfully looked up a phone number from the Internet. And forget about finding an address. I’m sure both are no problem if you’re willing to spend enough dollars. Oh yes, there are sites out there that claims to be free and indeed you can search for free. You just can’t find for free. But those of us old enough to remember phone books remember those days of being able to look up a name even if we couldn’t spell it absolutely correctly and find an address and phone number. That’s the sort of thing that is particularly handy when you are writing out Christmas cards and can’t make out if that’s 333, 338, 388, or 888 Easy St. and swear you’ll re-write clearer when you update your old fashioned address book for next year.
 
Easy open everything. I don’t mean just aspirin bottles. On everything. Everything! Seriously, whether it’s a flash drive, a chef’s knife, or a 10 foot retractable steel rule, it comes sandwiched between two pieces of plastic that are fused together and there is no “open here” corner. The only way in is to hack your way through the plastic vault with a machete or fire axe. That’s assuming you have a machete or fire axe that is not still sealed in its own packaging. And Santa, while you’re at it, how about those aspirin bottles too.
 
Television theme songs.  Because I miss them. You might think this is a silly request but if Santa was able to come up with pet rocks, Tamagotchi, and Tickle Me Elmo … well, silly is as silly does.
 
So that’s my list for this year Santa. There’s not much so I expect to get something this year. And while you’re at it, how about that reasonably priced pizza for one. Two large with 3 toppings for $5.95 is a great deal but come on, there’s just me here.
 
Thank you and Merry Christmas 
DearSanta

I Wish I May…

Michael 4 Comments

You’ve seen them. Perhaps a newspaper feature article on a local 100 year old, or a minor celebrity suddenly experiencing the harder side of life after having been diagnosed with an incurable (or even a curable) disease, or maybe even an ad for a home care agency home hospice program. What is it that that you’ve seen or heard or read? That earnest looking and sounding unfortunate soul baring his or her life to the camera, reporter, microphone, or ad agency saying “my one last wish, my most hopeful dream, the one thing I’m most looking forward to, is dying in my own bed. It’s what keeps me going.” Well I’ll tell you right now, if you ever hear me utter such nonsense just shoot me where I stand. Unless I’m standing in my own home, then take me across the street or at least out back first.

How bad does your life have to be that the only thing you’re looking forward to, the one thing you want most out of that life, your biggest dream for yourself, is to be dead. Yes, when you die in your own home you end up dead. Something we all realize we will someday be but something most people would not aspire to, brain-addled suicide bombers notwithstanding.

I don’t know what I want most out of my life. I know what I want out of my life most but those aren’t the same thing. My biggest dream probably depends on what’s annoying me most on a particular day. Too many therapists, too many phone calls, and way behind on sweepstakes entries – I dream of the solitude of an uninhabited (except for me, select guest(s), and a killer bartender) island. Too many healthy meals too many days in a row – pizza from a pizza shop known for as many toppings (please, pineapple is not a pizza topping under any circumstance) as one can humanly get to stay on a pizza crust.

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Not only does “die in my own bed” sound way too dramatic for the average Jo or Joe, it’s quite unfair to those who share that home or are expecting to have it on the real estate market next week. Dying in life (I’m not sure how else to phrase that) isn’t like dying in the movies. Most people don’t smile, say goodbye to the assembled group of friends and family, then nod off just as the last relative passes by. There are noises, smells, and often a lot of movement before and after the fact. There’s cleaning up to do and people to call like in the absence of home hospice, 911. I’d rather have understaffed nursing personnel handle the dirty details or more frankly the cleaning detail, than a loved family member. Of course if you are really annoyed at your family that day, well, who am I to judge?

If someone was to put a gun to my head and say I must come up with my one greatest wish or I’d get it right there I’d probably say to live at least one more day. It seems so much more wish worthy. I wonder if under the same circumstances those with that burning desire to die in their own beds would as calmly as they could, tell the gunman, “So, can you drive me home first?”

Butter Me Up

Michael 9 Comments

While going though yesterday’s emails I skimmed past the one “What’s in Movie Theatre Popcorn Butter,” stopped, went back, and clicked. First, DON’T click on that if you like movie theater popcorn butter. And second, this post has nothing to do with movies, theaters, or popcorn. But that does leave butter. (Which apparently is more than you can say about movie theater popcorn butter.) (Ooops.)

Christmas is coming and shortly we’ll start seeing the television commercials they only trot out at holidays. Among these are the commercials for fragrances. You would think the only time anybody bought perfume for their feminine others is at Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Mother’s Day. Come to think of it, you’d probably be right. Equally right would be the only time anybody buys colognes for dads is at Christmas and Father’s Day. (I’m specifying dads here because other than dads and granddads, the chance of having a male fragrance bought for any male without guilt ridden children with no idea what to get him is basically nonexistent even at these times of year.)

Something that has changed in the last few years is that men’s fragrances now don’t stop at what one splashes on one’s face. Today the fragrance world also includes men’s favorites for room freshening.

Leather, cedar, barbecue, and bacon scented air fresheners will also be heavily advertised in print, on line, and on air next month. These are the smells men like. One fragrancier boasts air fresheners named “Hunting Lodge,” “Distillery,” and “European Sports Car.” A major chain ‘mart’ has pizza scented freshener hanging next to the dangly pine trees. You can buy candles scented as gunpowder and pipe tobacco. Turkey leg and corn dog car scents threaten to replace “new car” and “ocean breeze” for on the road freshairness.

Hot dogs and pizza, even bourbon and tobacco are good smells. Nobody can argue against the ability of the smell of bacon crisping on the stove to stimulate the salivary glands. But do you want to smell that all day. Ok, maybe you do, but I don’t. I don’t want to smell bacon or bourbon, pizza or pipes, or heather or hotdogs everywhere I go. At the same time, even though I enjoy hanging out with my sensitive side, I don’t want lavender and chamomile following me around all day either. So what do I want my living room to be to my nose? Where can in turn for some smelly inspiration?

I spent almost 40 years working in hospitals, nursing homes, and colleges. All have their own unique … um … smells yet they’re all the same. Whether outside a patient room, a dorm room, or the C-Suite conference room, there will be a mix of bad coffee, sweat, fear, and a bodily function gone wrong. No, not there.

I love to be outside. In the summer I don’t really need a house. I’ll be at the pool, on the patio or on the road. In the winter I am very happy walking through snowflakes falling from the sky on a crisp morning. In between those seasons it can be rainy and windy and ugly but it’s also the best times to put the top down and test the limits of lateral suspension cruising down a country road speeding by the new colors of spring or the waning colors of fall. The sights of the seasons may be remarkable but the olfactory memories are of chlorine, charcoal, gasoline, road salt, and abused tires and clutches. Pass.

My personal favorite scents come from the kitchen. Starting with breakfast and sizzling sausage and brewing coffee. Ripe apples cut into super thin slices stirred into yogurt dusted with fresh grated nutmeg at lunch. Dinner with fresh lemon juice and balsamic dancing in the ripping hot pan around a perfectly cooked salmon. Now here are some a-list aromas. But no. They are special. They belong in the kitchen and the dining room. Not hung from the rear view mirror.

ButterSo what manly smell would I want hanging around me all day? Remember that movie theater popcorn butter that started this meandering missive? Yeah, that one. No, not that. But it’s close. It’s butter. Real butter, but the real butter melted in a hot pan when it just hits that perfect spot after the water has sizzled out of it but the browning hasn’t started and it gives off that unexpected nuttiness that lasts just a handful of seconds. That butter.

Take that scent and put it in a candle, hang it from a mirror, or spray it all around. Heck, do all three. Even the manliest of men will stop and sniff the air and know this is the way the world is supposed to smell.

And if that doesn’t work, well there’s always the popcorn.

Food Fight

Michael 2 Comments

I was making the morning coffee the other day and took a moment to bask in the aroma wafting through the apartment. It made me appreciate the small space as just the right size that it can distribute something so aromatic to every corner of my little world. Of course there is the converse that small space dwellers must also consider. Quite fortunately, not nearly as often as the good stuff. That’s when I started thinking, I really have to remember I’m retired. I don’t have to think anymore. But then…

I like the smell of coffee. Coffee beans, coffee roasting, coffee grinding, coffee brewing. But I know that not everybody likes it. I don’t understand it, but I know it. What makes that happen? It’s the same smell. Why does one person like it and one doesn’t? Or in the case of coffee, why do 7 billion people like it and, assuming that about 500 million haven’t had the pleasure of smelling it yet, 23 don’t. And while we’re at it, what makes cilantro taste earthy and sharp to some, bright and citrus-y to others, and like soap to still more? Then I started thinking more…

I was out of cilantro. I needed cilantro because I was planning on using up some leftover chicken in a stir fry that evening and I always (ok, almost always) use cilantro in my stir fries. If you toss in some peanut butter it gives it a Thai flair. To me. I think so. I don’t know what someone from Bangkok would think of it. No need to get started thinking more. But then…

Thai has gotten very popular around here. Maybe elsewhere Thai food has always been popular, but here? Not so much. Now? Oh, yeah. You can’t swing a leftover chicken around without hitting a Thai restaurant. Before, if you wanted take-out it used to be nothing but Chinese, sandwiches, and pizza. And then I was wondering how close to real is the Thai take-out? How close is the Chinese? For that matter, how close are the sandwiches? OK, maybe too far with that one. But what about the pizza? I never doubted pizza before. I know that most of the pizza isn’t anything at all like real pizza because most of it isn’t at all close to my pizza. But then, I wouldn’t have expected it because very few of the pizza masters were of the same Neapolitan background as my mother, AKA my pizza master. You’d think I would stop there but no. Forget about the pizza palaces, I can only think of one authentic full service Italian restaurant nearby. Probably for the same reason and even there I could have stopped but I was on a roll. And I don’t mean a pepperoni roll. What was I thinking…

Pepperoni roll my eye. That’s nothing but a Stromboli. Not a calzone! A calzone is pizza dough covered with mozzarella, folded in half, baked, and if you wish lightly sauced by the lucky person who gets to eat it right out of the oven. I know. Calzones originated in Naples. The Stromboli is just a pizza with whatever toppings you want, like pepperoni, but rolled up. People always get things wrong. Look at yams and sweet potatoes. Consider all the people who think peanuts are nuts. Still, those are completely different animals. You want a couple of things just as confused as the Stromboli and calzone, see il maccherone versus le macaron, or more familiarly the macaroon and macaron. But the people who do know the difference at least know how to pronounce each of them. Unlike… (yes, more thinking)

What is it with gnocchi? Nobody who is Italian, other than Italian celebrity chefs who don’t want to alienate their celebrity clientele, says “No-Key.” It’s “nyock-ee”!  It comes from the Italian word nocca, which means knuckle. (No, not knot. Knuckle. Just what it looks like. Wrinkles and all. Trust me.) And don’t ask for a plate of gnocchis. Gnocchi is plural. If you really want just one, order a gnoccho. But I bet you can’t eat just one. Anyway, if you forget, the boys of winter don’t play Ho-Key, they play hockey! And that got me to thinking…

I have to send in my payment for next year’s tickets. I gotta go!

(In case you were wondering, yes this is the famous sticky note post. Famous to me. I’ve been staring at that hunk of paper for over a week now. Thank Heaven I can throw the note away. Or do you say throw away the note. You know, I’ve been thinking about that…)

Just Like Mom Used To Make

Michael Leave a comment

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I ask where your favorite food comes from?  Now, what is the first thing that you think of when I ask where the best food comes from? Although not mutually exclusive, they are also often not consistent.

Often, though not always, a favorite food is home cooking. This makes sense since you are your best personal chef. If not you then your mom, dad, spouse, child, significant other, or, for some, your personal chef knows what you like, how you like it, and makes it often enough and well enough that you probably have a recipe file full of favorites. But the best stuff is partly the best stuff because it isn’t done at home. It’s something you can’t make, can’t get the ingredients for, can’t master the technique of, is something special, is a treat, is made, served and cleared by somebody else.

My favorite food is pizza. Any pizza, though I have a soft spot for pizza margherita. I’ll make it, I’ll buy it, I’ll fashion it out of foods that probably shouldn’t even go together. Chicken, bacon, spinach, and ricotta with garlic ranch dressing come to mind. There’s something quite comfortable about pizza. There must be. It’s managed to work its way into a few handfuls of posts, including one devoted entirely to pizza.

Where do I feel the best food comes from? Mind you, not the best single dish I ever had but in general the consistently best food I can count on having at any given time. It’s not at home. I’m pretty good but I can screw up a meal on a frighteningly regular basis. (And I really have to move that smoke detector a little further away from the kitchen. The neighbors always know when I’m working on a stir fry.) The best food I ever and always have is at a little neighborhood diner. In general I like diners. They also have appeared in more than a few posts here including one that combined diners and pizza (before this one). But this particular diner is the best of the bunch. The gravy is a cardiologist’s nightmare (or dream if he happens to need to make a couple of boat payments), and everything has the option to include an egg on it, including the pizza. I have never walked out of there without saying to myself, “I’d order that again” yet have never ordered the same thing twice. I’ve tried to order the Reuben omelet twice but it’s only available on the second Saturday of the month and I usually sleep in on that one.

What’s your favorite food choice? What’s the best food to you? Are they the same? Try answering those questions without thinking. Just jot down the first thing that comes to your mind. Then give it some thought. You might find yourself spending more time that you think over that one.

And you might find me having pizza for lunch today.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

You Give Me 15 Minutes, I’ll Give You … You Know

Michael Leave a comment

This week among the junk mail was a notice of “Big Savings!” from a local car dealer. Right there with their tire specials, tune-ups specials, air conditioning service specials, and brake specials was their “Signature 29 Minute Oil Change” now at a special price. Isn’t that special? I don’t know why but it made me think why 29 minutes, why not a half hour? And then I thought even more. Whatever happened to the 15 minute oil change?

Surely you remember the 15 minute oil change places. There were lots of them and they were everywhere. I remember going to them. I also remember they always took more than 15 minutes. They spent at least 15 minutes on asking you what type of oil you wanted (if I knew that I’d do my own oil change), do you want your old filter or may they discard it (yuck!), will you be needing new windshield wipers today (I hope not, it’s a convertible and the top is down), would you be interested in joining their savings club (here’s a brochure you can read while we huddle around your car), and do you have any coupons (why do they always ask about couponS when they (the couponS) always say “cannot be combined?”). Then a squadron of oil changers descended on your vehicle checking tire pressure, topping off windshield washer fluid, cleaning headlights, checking coolant, transmission, steering and brake fluids, examining air filters, and changing the oil. Then another 15 minutes of post-change summary included the status of your fluids (always due for something), air filter (always dirty), windshield wipers (always worn), and tires (holding up pretty well and aren’t you lucky because we don’t sell them here).

Well, I’ve come up with some things that really do take only a quarter of an hour and make you better for them! For instance, in 15 minutes or less you can start an exercise program. You’ll notice general health improvements in most low to moderate impact exercises including walking. After a few weeks you may want to increase your activity time to 30 minutes but that’s still less time than it took to get a 15 minute oil change!

Staying with health, in less than 15 minutes you can check your blood pressure and pulse, and breathing rate and oxygen level at home. Every day if you want. Even young, seemingly healthy people can have high blood pressure and never know it. For a few dollars and a few minutes you can buy and use a blood pressure monitor that measures your pressure and heart rate. Another inexpensive tool is the pulse oximeter to measure how much oxygen is in your blood and you do it bloodlessly. This little thing does it by clamping onto your fingertip. Learning how to measure your breathing rate is easy. You probably already have everything you need – a watch with a second hand and your lungs.

A whole world of 15 minutes or less is right in your kitchen. A hot breakfast of ham and eggs or a bowl of oatmeal takes about as much time as it does to toast a bagel and find the cream cheese. You can make a whole light dinner in 15 minutes. Boil your favorite pasta in water for about a minute less than the package directions instruct. While that’s going on sauté sliced green peppers, and broccoli in olive oil, then add some spinach to wilt. Toss in your cooked pasta, top with shredded parmesan and you have a delicious pasta prima vera. If you’re willing to use a pre-made pizza shell or store bought dough you can shape, top, and bake a pizza, then let it rest for a few minutes while you make a small salad for the side and you have another dinner in half the time it takes to get one delivered. For something more fun, season one pound of ground beef with salt and pepper, add just a drizzle of olive oil, and splash in a couple of squirts of hot sauce.  Shape into four patties, grill or broil for 4 to 5 minutes on each side for medium and let rest for a couple minutes. While the patties are cooking, slice a few potatoes, toss with oil, and roast in a 400 degree oven for 12 minutes turning once. As soon as they come out, season with salt, pepper, paprika, Cajun seasoning, grated cheese, or whatever you and 3 friends feel like. Dinner for four and you didn’t give your guests enough time to talk about you.

And the ultimate less than 15 minute activity – reading this blog twice a week! Even a lengthy post like today’s takes maybe 5 minutes. Do that twice a week and you still have time to make a comment, smile, laugh, cry, or curse at your screen as appropriate, and/or scratch your head and wonder “who is this guy?”

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

It’s a Pizza Revolution – err, Resolution

Michael 2 Comments

It’s still too early for New Year’s Resolutions for me.  If you want to know why, look back two posts.  However…if I owned a pizza shop I would be building a new bandwagon to hop on with a dandy.  Pizza palaces, parlors, purveyors, and other who have you’s need to seriously get hold of their coupons.

While cleaning out the old coupon keeper and unpinning overflow restaurant coupons from the coupon board, a myriad of pizza coupons bit the dust – expiration date speaking.  Besides the fact that it is remarkably easy to make your own pizza, it is remarkably hard to figure out pizza coupons.  Even the big national chains are getting into the “let’s make this so confusing that nobody will ever want to redeem our coupon or take advantage of our special” craze.  And that’s just plain crazy.

Let’s start with those national chains.  Two pizzas at $5.99 each.  What a deal.  Oh wait, only Monday through Thursday.  Still a deal.  And it comes with two toppings.  On two pizzas.  Now hang on.  Just to whom are they marketing this great special of theirs?  How often does a family of one want two pizzas?  How often does a family of four want two pizzas?  While we’re hanging out with that family, have you ever tried to get four people to agree on two pizza toppings?  Sometimes you can’t get one person to agree on two toppings!  So let’s cross the street to the other chain.  Any large pizza for $7.99.  But we’re back to two toppings.  Unless you want bacon.  Then it’s $12.99 for one topping.  Don’t confuse that with the “Any Pizza for $11.00” deal.  It all depends on do you want carry-out or order on line.  While we’re at it, do you drive to work or carry your lunch?  Sheesh.

Since those guys are no help let’s visit a local shop.  I have a coupon from one for a large pizza with one topping, a twelve inch hoagie, an order of breadsticks and a bottle of cola.  Too much for your family of seventeen?  Another shop has one large pizza with one topping for only $10.  If it’s Thursday you can get two toppings on that large pizza for the same $10.  And if you like that you can super-duper size it to five large pizzas with one topping for only $45.  You can use the savings for your co-pay at the cardiologist.

An interesting thing about these specials is that all of the coupons specify no substitutions and to mention the coupon when ordering.  Why?  It’s not like these are secret savings to special card carrying members of the “I Like Your Pizza Parlor” club.  These come every week in every newspaper, hard copy mailings, e-mail blasts, on the Internet, on their Facebook pages, and taped to the top of the box when you actually do order something.  Substitutions?  Who understands the offer to begin with!

Does it really have to be that confusing just to get a pizza?  Tell you what to do the next time you have a pizza craving.  Take four cups of flour, a cup and a half of warm water, two teaspoons salt, one teaspoon sugar, two tablespoons oil, and a pack of active dry yeast.  Mix the yeast in the water, add the sugar, let it go to town for 5 minutes or so.  Add half of the flour and all of the salt to the water.  Get your hands into it and slowly add the remaining flour then knead it for a couple of minutes.  Put it in a bowl coated with oil to let it rise for about an hour.  Shape it, put it on a lightly oiled pan, brush it with oil then top it with however many toppings you want.  Bake it at 400 degrees for 10-15 minutes.  After you finish your pizza, call your local pizza shop and tell them to stuff it.  And you don’t mean the crust.

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?