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That Play’s The Thing, That Thing They Do

Michael Leave a comment

Have you ever been to a local community theater production of … anything? 

Those of you who answered yes are excused from the remainder of this missive.  You’re welcome to stay but you probably won’t read anything you don’t already know.  Then again, maybe you better stick around.  You never know what’s going to march across this screen.

Those of you who answered no are hereby put on double secret probation and you can’t get off of it until you go.  For Heaven’s sake, go!

Really, we are that taken by the power of the local community theater, from the over-acting to the kitschy program books, to the recorded music, to the cramped theaters.  This is entertainment.

Ok, this is also a little weird.  Grown people reliving their high school spring musical days?  Actually, it’s not so weird.  Grown people honing the talents they discovered in one of the “youth is wasted on the young” activities we’ve all been a part of but few keep alive.

Think of the other activities that made up your younger days and how you felt about them then.  Swimming every weekend at the local pool, knowing for sure that Greg Louganis was no match for your diving skills.  Confidently matching across the football field stepping two, turning left, stepping eight, twice in place, turn right, all while playing the flight song on your clarinet.  Even Benny Goodman couldn’t match your style.  Speeding along on the Schwinn, Day 4 of the Tour de France and your fourth day in the yellow shirt.  Taking the layup to the hoop, your hands above the rim, your signature shoes shimmering in the light of the studio lamps filming the commercial that used to feature that has been, Michael Somebodyorother.  Healthy activities every one.  Healthy imaginations to go with them.  Imagination.  A commodity many fear will never again reach the peak when we were young now that computer games have overtaken recreation as the child’s national pastime.

Now wait a minute, who is to say it has.  Don’t kids still ride bikes, and swim on weekends, and play high school sports, and march in bands?  Maybe we’re being a bit unfair.  Their imagination is still working.  It’s just taking a different turn.  And there are still high school musicals every spring.  (You knew eventually we’d get back to that, didn’t you?)

Those high school musicals.  Who didn’t walk out on to the stage knowing his or her next entrance would be at the Tony Awards?  But while the swimmer and the musician and the sports figure in us have stepped aside so we can fit into our adult life, the actor has found the community theater.  The actor, the director, the stage hand, the producer, the set decorator, the wardrobe and make-up artists all still have a home, a legitimate home where imagination still features raising the silver medallion of the masks comedy and tragedy.  So we applaud the actor, the director, the stage hand, and the others for sharing their imagination and presenting some of the most energetic live theater you’ll ever experience.

Paul Newman said, “To be an actor you have to be a child.”  We agree.  You have to have the wonder that children know and adults crave.  While the professional gets the great opportunity to live that wonder throughout a lifetime most of us only get fleeting moments of it as adults.  Throughout those little theaters tucked away in every neighborhood where lines are tortuously rehearsed, directions are painstakingly prepared, and stages are carefully dressed, the wonder of youth bathes everyone who enters.  Even the audience.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Six Weeks

Michael 2 Comments

Happy Groundhog Day!  For over 225 years Phil has been the reigning prognosticator of Punxsutawney Pennsylvania perusing his property for signs of his shadow to predict the waning winter’s weather.

What began as an adaptation of Candlemas for the local farmers not too distantly removed from their German homeland now brings an estimated 30,000 people to the Pennsylvania home of Punxsutawney Phil for 4 days of planned events highlighted by the shadow sighting on national news broadcast across our homeland. 

Now here we could tell you all the different things one can do in Phil’s little hamlet.  Who will be playing, singing, dancing, and crafting.  We could guess how many television cameras will be in use.  We could compare the last 2, 5, 10, 25, 100, 150, or 200 predictions and the actual results.  We could talk about the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club or The Inner Circle.  But really, you don’t need to hear from us if last year’s prediction was on the money or how much money the park vendors made. 

Nope, we’re just going to marvel at all that has become of our little rodent friend and all of his friends living in the sunny or shadowy mountains on the edge of the Allegheny National Forest.  Phil has his own official souvenir web-site.  The Inner Circle (those are the guys who pull him from the stump, we mean help him from his hollow) have an annual formal ball.  There are 60 chapters of the Groundhog Club from California to Florida and chapters in Canada, England, and Iraq.  There’s even an Internet chapter.  (The Bluegrass Chapter of Louisville, Kentucky was chartered on Feb. 2 2002, that’s 02-02-02.  There’s a lottery number waiting to be played!)  Other than the iconic “Groundhog Day” movie there isn’t much in the way of multimedia for our little friend but we did find 5 songs celebrating Groundhog Day including “Groundhog Blues” by John Lee Hooker. 

Unlike Candlemas in the 17th century we really don’t need Groundhog Day to tell us if we’re almost done with winter and can breathe a sigh of relief over our dwindling food and firewood supply or if the cold will stay with us for another 6 weeks and challenge our larder.  Groundhog Day in the 21st century is a time when grown men dress in formal attire and play with field animals, when people gather to figure out just how long Phil Conners (Bill Murray’s character in “Groundhog Day”) was stuck in Punxsutawney, when people get married in Phil’s Wedding Chapel  by the mayor of Punxsutawney (weddings on the half-hour, call ahead to get on the schedule), when it’s ok to be seen in public with a hat on your head that looks like a groundhog emerging from a tree stump.

It’s a time when it’s perfectly acceptable not to take yourself too seriously.  And we could probably use six more weeks of that.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Drive Through Service

Michael 4 Comments

This year has barely gotten a good hold on reality and we’re already noticing a disturbing trend.  People are driving through buildings.

Not quite 3 weeks into the year and we’ve already heard of local drivers mashing the gas on their way through a convenience store, a liquor store, a bank, another convenience store, a post office, a restaurant, and a cemetery’s ornate entrance wall.  That’s one stationary object plowed into every 3 days.  Perhaps just to get on the score board, a brick building fell on 3 cars.

One of those incidents might have been caused by a driver having a heart attack before running into a solid object.  And one of those was caused by a nutcase who intentionally drove into a building to escape chasing police.  He wasn’t a very smart nutcase.  The others were simple cases of mistaking large buildings for open road.

Quite often when we read of these cases we find it involved an older driver who mistook the gas pedal for the brake pedal.  We’re thinking now that the over-80 drivers are getting a bum rap here.  Not all of these drivers were of the old fogey set.  Some were reportedly quite young, all were apparently quite distracted.  And then there was that nutcase.

We’re thinking this is a great opportunity for amateur inventors.  Everybody dreams of building the better mousetrap.  Here’s the chance at building a car-mounted radar system with an auditory alarm and brightly colored flashing warning lights a la the bridge of the Enterprise.   Perhaps connected to cruise control, safety cameras, brake assist devices, and those new self-parking mechanisms someone can create a system that will drive around obstacles, not only large buildings but other immovable objects such as guide rails, parking meters, light poles, traffic signals, a parked delivery van, tunnel entrances, trees, over the side of a bridge, and a World War II monument which also have been violated already this year.

It’s time we protect our buildings!  Brick and mortar, glass and metal, these things don’t grow on trees.  Trees do but they are no match for even a small car barreling through a field taking aim on one.  We encourage you to write to building owners in your cities and convince them to erect water filled safety walls around their structures.  Petition your state legislature to mandate guide rails that separate when sensing approaching vehicles.  And get those letters going to the US Department of Transportation to promulgate regulations requiring solid object early warning signals in all cars, SUVs, and light trucks.

Hmm, you don’t think any of these were caused by people on their cell phones, do you?  Maybe we should look at distraction free driving.  That might have saved a lot of reconstruction.  Well, all except for that nutcase.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Your Turn to Keep Score

Michael 3 Comments

This morning there was a story on the morning TV news about a shooting that killed a teenager, put his aunt in the hospital, and superficially wounded his grandmother.  Truly tragic and something that happens far too frequently.   Later in the afternoon She of We called to He of We and asked if he heard the story about the shooting last night.  Who got shot?  In the morning paper the teen had still been killed but now the grandmother was in the hospital and the aunt was treated and released.

One of the first printed reports of Friday’s cruise ship accident off the Italian coast said the ship was “three quarters underwater and sinking fast.”  Four sentences later a statement attributed to Coast Guard officials said “the liner was listing at 20 degrees but was not in danger of sinking.”

Death always surpasses imprecisions on the accuracy meter, and our sympathies to those who lost loved ones in urban violence and vacations gone very badly.  This is not a rant about who spelled what wrong or which homonym was misused today.

But we have to admit our first question to ourselves was, what is more important, getting it right, or getting a headline?  While we were batting that one about we think we may have come across the bigger problem.  It’s not an issue with incorrect reporting.  It’s not an issue with inaccurate editing.  It’s much more pervasive.  It goes back to “everyone’s a hero.”

Let us explain.  How long has it been since the fashion became that little leagues no longer keep score?  That everybody bats every inning?  That every youth gymnastic tournament participant goes home with a trophy? How long has it been since we started instilling in our young people that there are no losers?  Long enough that those children are now young adults writing for our newspapers and web-sites and anchor people.  Long enough that they are also our young firemen, and nurses, and building inspectors.  Long enough that they will soon be our doctors and lawyers.  Long enough that someday they will be running for Congress, President, and your local school board.

Are you young enough, and were you naïve enough to allow your children to believe that there is no winning or losing?  If so, what did you tell your son at his first major league baseball game when the home team lost and the beer soaked fan in the row behind you expressed his displeasure?  What did you tell your daughter when she watched the Olympics for the first time and asked why the gymnasts were crying?  Petty issues?  Perhaps.  But life isn’t all winning.  Once a child is old enough to stand he’s old enough to fall down.  Doesn’t he deserve the courtesy of being told he might?

What do you tell yourself when a group of teens knocks on a door and shoots a child of 16 and a firefighter at the scene is quoted “There’s been a lot of stupid stuff going on?”  How do you reconcile the captain going down with the ship in the movie but going to safe harbor in a life boat in real life?  Once a child is old enough to stand he’s old enough to be pushed over.  Doesn’t he deserve the guidance of being told how to avoid it?

What do you tell the world when the world extrapolates one with no winners or losers to one with no right or wrong?  Have we created that world of harmony for our now young adults by taking the pressure of winning off them when they were our young children?  Or have we created a world of discord for our now young adults – a world where they are unprepared for conflict, discipline, and getting things right because they never had to as young children?  We can’t be outraged at a teen who takes losing so badly that he has to shoot others when we never taught him how to be a gracious winner.   

If you didn’t keep score then, you can’t be an umpire now.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

We Hold These Truths

Michael 2 Comments

A word about this post:

We wrote this before Christmas amid the annual outcry over manger scenes in front of government buildings and wonderings if you had to say Happy Holidays not to get fired.  It was written more as history lesson than rant over Politics and Religion and we figured there were enough to fight that fight.  And who wanted a history lesson right before Christmas?  So we spent our time spending time together, enjoying friends and family members, humming Christmas carols, watching Christmas movies, thowing some change into a few red kettles, and generally living the spirit of the season. 

Then this week the local paper had a story about a Pennsylvania university that was offering discounts to its men’s and women’s basketball games.  Among these was a discount for those with a religious affiliation.  Actually the discount was extended to anyone belonging to a faith-based organization as part of the school’s “Faith and Family Night” promotion.  According to the paper, a university spokesperson explained that “fans could mention affiliation with any faith-based organization, not just churches, to get the discount.”  We imagine if you really wanted to go to a basketball game and were short a couple dollars for the ticket, you could just lie.  If you didn’t belong to a faith-based organization, you’d probably not think twice of it.

Opponents of creches, of discounts to church groups, of saying “Merry Christmas” during the Christmas season, and probably of sales of Easter bonnets during Easter sales always fall back on that so often misquoted document, the Constitution of the United States.  “It violates my First Amendment rights,” is a favorite excuse for bad behavior. 

So, we’re going to risk bad behavior of our own and present “We Hold These Truths” to our public.  It’s our way of saying we know what our rights are.  And so do the people who wrote to insure us those rights 225 years ago.  Please don’t trample them on your way to finding your rights.  (And yes, we know that “we hold these truths” comes form the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution.  Technically our rights were insured by the Bill of Rights and not the Constitution either.  Humor us, ok?)

It is a very long post.  Regular readers know our posts already are pretty long and even compared to those posts of around 500 words, this one is a doozie!  At close to 2,000 words we hope we’ve said something thoughtful, intelligent, and meaningful.    And at the risk of making it even longer, we encourage you to comment on it, to re-blog it, to send a copy of it to your Congressman, to e-mail it to friends, to share it with your family, to share it with your local news outlet, or if you know one to share it with, share it with your favorite atheist.

And now, We Hold These Truths: 

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A bit before Christmas, a Michigan based organization of self-proclaimed atheists threatened to send busloads of its members from Wisconsin to a small town in Pennsylvania because that small town was planning on doing the unthinkable for the 50th-some time and erect a Christmas manger scene outside its municipal building.  The organization wrote, “It is unlawful for the state to erect this nativity scene on borough property thus singling out one religion.”  There was no word if that was written in Michigan or Wisconsin.  Nor was there word of which one of the many Christian religions was being singled out.  Now, halfway through January, that little town is still fighting that fight and is already looking ahead to Christmas 2012.

Just as the Christmas season was winding down the college basketball was moving into high gear.  There is a college not far from that Pennsylvania town that is offering a variety of discount nights including First Responders’ Night and Veterans’ Night.  Also among their special promotions is a discount night for those who belong to any faith-based organization.  It didn’t take long before there were new headlines throughout the Keystone State quoting an organization questioning the validity of that one.  Not because it singled out one religion but because it wasn’t fair to the basketball fans who are not religious and thus not eligible for a discount.  The opposing group didn’t say the same for those who are not veterans or first responders.  Apparently not being a veteran is something beyond most peoples’ control.

We hate to be so rude to so many people who are so protective of our Constitution, but, get a life!  (We said in our first blog we weren’t going to be politically correct – just plain correct.)  At the risk of being quite politically incorrect, here are the facts.  If we were you, we’d get a beverage, sit back, and hold on for the remainder of this post.  We will also warn you that the remainder of this post is more history lesson than rant.  If you appreciate intelligent and thoughtful discussions you should enjoy this. 

When our early lawmakers wrote the Constitution back in the summer of 1787 in Philadelphia, they had no idea they were creating controversy for future fellow Pennsylvanians.  They also had not planned on creating fodder for the trough of stupidity that nonsensical organizations like the dolts in Michigan and/or Wisconsin hide behind.  As much as everybody wants to say so, the Constitution of the United States says nothing about this oft-claimed separation of church and state.      

The confusion seems to have arisen not at the signing of the Constitution in September of 1787 but came as an afterthought to that document.  More than two years later, some states’ representatives still remembered the British violations of civil rights that drove even earlier representatives to unanimously pass the Declaration of Independence.   Thomas Jefferson, primary author of the Declaration of Independence, was not a member of the Congress that drafted and forwarded the Constitution to the states for ratification.  He was, however, a vocal critic of that group for their lack of specifying individual rights, rights that were significant in the writing of the Declaration.  And thus in September of 1789, the First Congress of the United States proposed 12 amendments to the Constitution to quiet those most concerned that the government had too much power and the rights of the individuals were not adequately addressed.  The first two proposed amendments as presented to the States were not ratified.  But the states ratified amendments 3 through 12 compiling the first ten amendments to the Constitution, now known as the Bill of Rights.

The first of those ten ratified amendments over the years has stood the test of time and rarely was questioned or opposed.  Only in the second half of the twentieth century did citizens whose rights were the very focus of the amendment’s authors did those citizens start plucking individual phrases to justify petty and personal opinion.  There are only 45 words in the First Amendment.  That is not too many to read and savor all at once.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

But since the Dolts of Michigan and others insist on tearing it apart word from word, we will examine it thought by thought.  The dolts and their brethren always pick on the first 10 words.  Most dolts can’t count past ten so that must be why they stop there.  “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”  Nobody ever quotes the next six words, “or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”  Probably the “thereof” confuses them.  That’s the authors’ way of saying that they and future representatives to Congress won’t say how you will worship, and nobody in the government can stop you from worshipping.  There is nothing in those combined 16 words that says you are not allowed to worship, you will not worship, or that there is no support for you to worship.   Nor does it say that there might not be a multitude of ways to worship.  In fact, one can make the leap that the reason for the first ten words are to support a variety of ways to worship, a freedom the authors of the Constitution and their ancestries did not have under the foreign realms from which they fled.  Congree will not prohibit the free exercise of religion.  (We wanted to spell that out just in case there is a dolt out there and it is still confused over “thereof.”)

As long as we’re dissecting words written over 220 years ago we want to keep going.  There are, after all, only 29 of them left.  The First Amendment goes on to say that Congress will also make no law “abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press.”  They go together.  Even over two hundred years ago the authors recognized that the press was and is the enduring voice of the people.  They are the same and that is why it is written as a single clause.  Perhaps current members of the Fourth Estate should remember that when they are editorializing.  Perhaps they also should practice just “correct,” and reflect the thoughts and feelings and prayers of those who support the press and forget about being “politically correct” themselves.   The earliest publications of this country were quite politically incorrect by our standards yet they rallied their readers to the extent that we now have a country that will make no law abridging those freedoms.  Congress will not abridge the right to free speech or press.  Together.  One mind.  One voice.  The one voice of the many people. 

Congress will also not abridge “the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”  The right to assemble goes along with peaceably.  You might prefer to call it peacefully.  Peaceful demonstration is how the dolts’ younger cousins would have you believe every protest begins.  No.  When demonstrators show up with clubs, pepper spray, guns, and the intent to use them if they are confronted by others with different views, peaceful has left the building.  The final phrase “to petition the Government for a redress of grievances” is colonial speak for “ask the Government to put right wrongs” or to “ask our representatives to review citizen rights for those the original authors missed.”  It doesn’t mean to sit in a park, refuse passage to people who are trying to get to work, turn over cars and trucks, throw rocks at policemen, and in general act like the animal version of a dolt.  It does mean to gather together, discuss how you’ve been wronged and how you would make it right for everybody.  With one voice of one mind you can then ask our assembled representatives to listen to us and make things right.  It’s a powerful concept, particularly if you can find an elected representative who understands the First Amendment.

Remember, the Four Freedoms are the Freedom OF Religion, Freedom OF Speech, Freedom FROM Want, and Freedom FROM Fear.  It just seems all backwards.  Protestors exercise their “rights” while instilling fear in everyone else.  Our government repeatedly bails out banks and manufacturers while allowing individuals to suffer 29% interest rates and retail prices that have no basis on the actual cost of goods.  Public comment periods to bills and government contracts are virtually non-existent but the idiot screaming down the block at 3 in the morning has a right to free speech especially if he’s the drug addicted son of the mayor.   And dolts are allowed to charter organizations specifically to support freedom FROM religion.  (By the way, among its several accepted definitions is that religion is characterized by a set of strongly-held beliefs that somebody lives by.  We contend that any group of people so concerned over getting its ideological point of view, its strongly held ideological point of view, to the extent that they are prepared to proselytize for it, is pretty much practicing a religion.  Think about it.)

Before we finish our little history lesson let’s step back a few years earlier, to the summer of 1776, again in the city of Philadelphia.  To the Declaration of Independence.  To that very short announcement that the former British colonies were indeed one new country, one that would fairly soon establish taxes and representation, and an army and navy, and a Bill of Rights.  Before those assembled got to the part about these truths being self-evident they first declared:

“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.” 

You couldn’t fool those colonists.  They knew who fixed them up.  They knew that the “powers of the earth” are granted by “Nature’s God.”  After that acknowledgement they moved on to:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Somebody gave those colonists the idea that all of us are entitled to live our lives, to live them by the four freedoms, and to be happy while we do it.  It certainly wasn’t Thomas Jefferson or John Hancock.  It wasn’t George Washington or Benjamin Franklin.  It wasn’t even John Adams.  When you thank someone for your self-evident endowments you know who you’re going to thank.  We say it enough every day.  Thank God.

They may not want to believe it but even the dolts have God to thank.  Every time they take advantage of a Christmas sale each winter or an Easter Sale the following spring there’s a reason behind it.  It’s not Mr. Macy they have to thank for that great deal on a Play Station.  And we’re pretty sure they aren’t going up to their butcher and asking for a higher price on the spiral cut ham because there is no God.  No, they know the reason behind the deal. 

And what a deal it is.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

(All passages from the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution of the United States, and the Bill of Rights are copied from transcripts of the originals including spelling, capitalization, and punctuation as it was then written.  Transcripts reviewed at the National Archives website, www.archives.com.  Read about these documents at “The Charters of Freedom,” http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/.)

 

Star Polisher

Michael 1 Comment

January 5, Twelfth Night, the Eve of the Epiphany, the last evening that precedes the Twelfth Day of Christmas.  Ok, that can be a little confusing but think like most businesses that are open 24 hours think, such as a hospital or a large supermarket.  At most places where a day takes up 24 hours, shifts for any given day don’t begin at midnight.  They start the evening before the following day.  Ok, that’s still confusing.  Trust us, tonight is Twelfth Night, tomorrow is the Twelfth Day of Christmas, aka the Epiphany.  Remember?  Those three kings bearing gifts following yonder star.  Star of wonder.  Star of light.  Ok, now hold that thought.

We were talking the other day about things like New Year’s Resolutions (which if you read our post from January 2 you know we’re holding until March), needy friends, and end of the year burn out.  We don’t have so many friends that we can afford to alienate any of them by not responding to their needs.  On the other hand, we don’t have so many free hours in any day that we can constantly be serving their neediness.  That was when we had our own epiphany.  That’s epiphany with a little “e” – a sudden intuitive leap of understanding.  We have become Star Polishers.

She of We coined the phrase “Star Polisher” to describe those people that one turns to when one needs his or her self-esteem or star, brightened or polished.  Like most couples, we are each other’s star polisher.  It really only takes a little maintenance to keep our stars shiny and bright.  Most of the time we do it without even noticing that we are doing it.  A comment about looking nice today, a thank you for dinner, or an unexpected gift.

The ability to polish somebody’s star is an awesome responsibility. Friends and loved ones seek you out because they know that no matter what, you will make them feel warm and worthwhile and connected to this thing we call life.  Seeing and finding the best part of people when they want to give up or give in is a gift.  It’s the listening, the smile, or even the tears that keep us connected to each other.  And as we begin a new year it’s time to reconnect with each other.

She of We is such a good polisher that many of her stars have found their own twinkle.  A professional in the hard sciences who really would rather be an artist becoming that artist and seeing his work hung in a gallery.  A musician once literally travelling from gig to gig now filling rooms at request with each person called by name, each thanked personally.  A manager once questioning if his ascent was only because he was around the longest now confident that even if a new Day One should ever come he’ll still be “top of the heap.”  They are enough to make a Star Polisher beam.  

But Star Polishers must be wary of the Star who never gets bright enough.  These stars know who they are.  They call or text about every problem in life no matter how inconvenient it may be.  They know exactly when they are becoming tarnished – the bad relationship, the lousy job, nobody understands them.  They claim so many blemishes all at once that even an extra strength polishing isn’t going to satisfy them.  They hover in your doorway at work, they are on your voicemail at home, and they are in your e-mail at both.  They never ask if you have time to spend on them.  It never occurs to them to ask how you are.  They barge right in and are taken aback if you have to delay the polishing until a better time, even if it means only a few minutes delay. 

Star Polishers need to take special care not to have their own stars burned out.  Sometimes the Polishers have to admit that they have given all the shine that they have.  They love you and wish you nothing but the best but it’s time to look inside yourself and shine on your own for a while.  There are times when even She of We uses so much energy polishing other stars that she loses some of her shine.  Your job if you find yourself polished up by one of her kind is to say “thank you” and acknowledge the unexpected gift that you’ve been given.  Take a moment to become the Polisher’s Polisher.  That’s the number one way to make sure your own Star Polisher will always have some sparkle handy for you.

So it’s only one gift.  It was only one star.  And it’s still pretty bright.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Say What?

Michael Leave a comment

Should old acquaintances be forgot?  Depends on the acquaintance and if he – or she – is old, long, and sighs.

Not only is it bad enough that New Year’s Eve comes at the end of a year, a most traumatic time for many, usually the last we hear of it is sung to a song written a couple hundred years ago in a language not many understand derived from poems written a couple hundred years earlier still in a language fewer use.  But sing it we do.  Even if we don’t have a clue to what we’re singing.

Somewhere, sometime, somebody translated most of the song.  We don’t know how accurate the translation is but we’ve been singing it that way since Guy Lombardo led his Pennsylvanians into the New Year that was 1930.  The Scottish poet Robert Burns wrote the lyrics as we know them in 1788.  He wrote more 500 poems and this is the one we remember at least once a year.  His inspiration may or may not have come from even earlier songs and poems dating to the 1500s.  Those earlier songs would seem to have or have not themselves inspired by yet even older Scottish folk songs of love and friendship.  It’s odd that even those whose careers rely on interpreting literature can’t agree on what the words mean.  The version Burns put to paper appears to be of friends recently parted.  Some say the lyrics refer to battles fought for king and country and some for God and honor.  Some have interpreted them to speak of a bond among men and some to a relationship between a man and a woman.  And those are of the lyrics we understand.

And no wonder there is confusion.  There’s not even consensus of what the title means.  We tried to research what those three little words really are and what they really mean.  The problem with “auld lang syne” is that it sounds suspiciously like English so most people feel they know what the words are and what they mean.  Odd long sign.  All sung high.  Old dang sign.  Old long high.  Odd dang high.  The first four references we checked gave us four different translations:  old long ago, time long past, old times’ sake, and times gone by.  So we gave up.  They mean whatever you want them to mean. 

We take them to mean that one should remember the year just ending and wish every friendship grows a year older by the end of next year.  The memory of every moment spent is a gift for the moments yet to come.  Every day gone by is an opportunity to welcome a new day.

Should old acquaintance be forgot? 
Oh dear let’s never mind. 
We’ll beg a cup the kind you brought
and pay you back some other time.

Hey, Happy New Year!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Walk This Way

Michael Leave a comment

This is it.  Today is the last shopping day before Christmas.   We know tomorrow is only Christmas Eve but you can hardly count that as a shopping day.  Christmas Eve we’re going to relax.  Even if it kills us.  And don’t forget, Christmas Eve is a Saturday this year so every clueless male in America, maybe in the world, (as opposed to almost every clueless male) will be at the mall still unsure of what to get for his wife, mother, girlfriend, daughter, secretary, AA, paramour, clerk, grandmother, personal assistant, or Aunt Whatshername in Mineola. 

However you want to count, there are only two days until Christmas.  And each is going to be filled with people filling sidewalks, and stores, and restaurants, and bars.  Probably especially bars the later it gets but that’s a different post.

All those people out there and sometimes it seems not a single one of them schooled in the pedestrian law of walking in public.  Even He of We sometimes gets a little distracted when allowed to push the shopping cart and wanders down a different aisle than She of We.  But what we’re talking about here is different.  Many people are distracted in stores but add the glitz and the shimmer of the holiday decorations and even those never distracted lose focus.  And the extra traffic isn’t helping.  We think part of the problem is that nobody ever puts that cell phone away.  It wouldn’t be so bad if people were talking on the phone while trying to wind their way through the cosmetics counters at the department store.  No, they are texting while trying to wind their way through that maze.  Add three shopping bags, two trailing children, and a clerk spraying fragrance samples on passersby and oncoming traffic doesn’t stand a chance.  But we digress.

As long as we brought it up, what it is with people and their shopping carts.  First of all, a shopping cart is not a suitable substitute for a wheeled walker, particularly if you don’t use one with which to walk under normal circumstances.  Both of We have informed our children that if any of them sees either of us hunched over a shopping cart, arms resting on the handle about the elbows, propelling it forward at a pace a that would cause a snail to die of boredom, we are to be shot and/or sent directly to the nursing home at the bottom of their lists.  If you are one of those please leave our blog now and nobody will get hurt. 

A shopping carts are proliferating.  Once found only in supermarkets these little wheeled obstructions are now in almost every store across the globe.  Clearly someone is making a killing in the shopping cart market.  Hopefully whoever that someone is has gotten a killer Christmas bonus this year.  But given that shopping carts are flourishing so, we’d think people would be able to drive them better.  We find carts left at the end of aisles, in the middle of aisles, with children left to guard the last of the boxed fruitcake, blocking the animated Christmas hats (sorry, we’ll probably not get to that topic this year but we have it on our list for next year’s holiday posts), and left in the line to the checkout counter with a note that the driver has made a quick trip to housewares and will return at 1:30.  Those actually pushing carts often have their eyes either glued to the top shelf as they pass by at warp speed or on their latest text.

Once shopping is done at Store #1 it is traditional to leave their cart in their custody.  Clearly we must be unaware of some “winter rules” that allow people to keep that cart for their entire shopping day.  He or We was out just yesterday in a local mall and he noticed someone pushing a cart from a store in the shopping center two miles away.  Curious, most curious.   

Eventually even those people will finish up for the day and head to the car with their holiday haul.  Our advice to everybody who ever pushed a shopping cart through a parking lot is to please remember that most cars are bigger and heavier than your shopping cart.  One should not consider playing chicken with a family of four in a minivan loaded with Christmas presents on Christmas Eve Eve.  Not a good idea.  Our second piece of advice is once you empty your packages into your vehicle, please return you cart all the way to the cart corral.  Parking is already at a premium this time of year (we know, we already did that post).  Don’t make it worse by just leaving your cart in the spot that used to be your car.  Walk the extra 50 paces there and back and put it where it belongs.

As long as we’re walking out in the parking lot please watch where you are going.  Every mall and shopping center, every mega-mart and restaurant now have those striped lines from parking land to sidewalk land urging drivers to stop for walkers but not saying anything to the walkers.  It’s true every state now has a law that drivers must yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk.  That’s in a crosswalk, not approaching a crosswalk, close to the crosswalk, or anywhere in the same parking lot as a crosswalk.  It’s still a good idea to look both ways before crossing.  We understand looking both ways may mean not finishing the text but the life you save may be your own.  Make it worth the effort.

Two more days, each an adventure in negotiating through the aisles of the Christmas sale remnants, fighting your way to the checkout counter, and dragging it all across the parking lot to your car, if you can find it on the first try.  

We suggest you relax on Christmas Eve.  Even if it kills you.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Who’s Naughty, Who’s Nice

Michael Leave a comment

It’s worked for the man in red since he hitched his sleigh to his first magic reindeer.  It’s that famous list.  Who’s naughty?  Who’s nice?  We’ve borrowed that idea.   No, not for who gets coal in their stocking and who gets gift cards.  We’ve taken the big guy’s concept and applied it to our most important holiday list.  Who gets a card, and within that group, who gets what card? 

Actually, Santa has it easy.  You’re good, you make the grade.  You’re bad, better luck next year.  It seems to work for him.  We’re a bit more discriminating.    You see, there are actually two lists.

List #1 is the big one, the discriminator, THE list.  Who’s on and who’s off.   Didn’t talk to us at all last year – no calls, no stop overs, no Friday night dinners?  You’re naughty.  (Exceptions made for Aunt Whatshername in Minnesota.)  Brought out a cup of hot chocolate when you saw us waiting for the AAA a quarter mile from home?  You’re nice.  Used to be a couple last year and aren’t this year and you’re the reason?  You’re naughty.  For life!  Used to be a couple last year and aren’t this year because who used to be the better half turned out as bad as everyone else knew?  You’re nice.  Clueless, but nice.  Haven’t talked to us in 14 years and suddenly you start calling  and inviting us to your club for lunch right after you saw in the paper we hit the lottery?  You’re naughty and so are your children.   And so we continue through last year’s lists separating the nice from the caught, the haughty, and the generally naughty.

List #2 is where we recognize the nicest of the nice.  That’s the Good Cards List.  These are the people for whom we care enough to send the best.  These are the truest allies, the closest relatives, the genuine friends. These are the people you think of when considering which Christmas card sparkling with glitter, rich with real parchment, and with a verse that says exactly what you want to say, will convey that nice has its privileges.  Requires extra postage?  No problem.  If you’ve made the nice half of this list you’re worth it!  Who’s on the other side?  Those not naughty enough to be banished entirely from this season’s greetings but not A-List worthy.  They get the previous year’s end of season special at the dollar store – 4 boxes for a buck, matching envelopes maybe.  These are the relatives 3 states away you keep on your list only because they keep sending to you.  (Exceptions made for Aunt Whatshername in Minnesota.)  These are the neighbors who didn’t call the police after that unfortunate incident at the fish fry with the hot oil and the pile of dry leaves.  These are for the paper carrier (who made the list just because of the entertaining holiday letter but that was a different post).

Naughty or nice?  It’s a powerful responsibility.  Use it wisely.  Face it, at $4.59 a pop you can’t care enough to send the best to everyone!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

The Angels Have Landed

Michael 1 Comment

All the discount department stores are doing it and they all advertised it in a big way.  Layaway is back.  Just like the old days.  Mostly toys ended up in the back rooms.  Just like the old days.  Maybe a few more children and grandchildren can have a happy Christmas like so many of their friends.  Just like the old days. 

It was a great idea.  But somewhere the marketing people got a late start.  The ads popped up around Thanksgiving.  Put a little down and pay some every week and they are yours pretty much pain-free.  Sounds pretty good.  Just like the old days.  But they didn’t push it until four weeks before Christmas.  That’s only one or two checks away.  Not many weeks to pay some.  Not like the old days.

But people tried.  They made the down payment.  They got the early payments in.  But then reality hit.  There are other children and grandchildren to buy for.  There are still bills to pay and food to buy.  The payments got smaller.  The balance stalled.  Christmas is less than a week away and now what?

Who knows how it started but somewhere, somebody took notice.  And the movement was born.  All across the country mostly anonymous benefactors are paying off strangers’ layaway balances.  The Layaway Angels have come to town.  Every town!

In Davenport, Iowa one Angel paid off 14 accounts including one account so delinquent that it was a day away from its merchandise being put back on the shelves.  In Indianapolis a woman paid off fifty accounts in memory of her late husband.  In Kapolei, Hawaii someone paid off 15 layaway accounts then handed out $100 bills to shoppers.  In Miami two Angels combined their resources to settle as many accounts as $400 could pay off.

Many of us have taken part in another Christmas tradition of giving, the Angel Tree.  Children’s services, older adults’ facilities, inner city ministries, and others team up with churches, school groups, and employers to select from unknown recipients and buy presents for under their tree.  Countless people, probably into the millions, have benefited from these anonymous gifts.

But the Layaway Angels are different.  These people are getting into the grittiest of the nitty-gritty.  They aren’t afraid of going right to the people who need some help.  And they aren’t afraid to admit that those people who need some help live and shop right alongside them.  These gifts are going up the road, across town, two blocks over, down the street.   They are going to people whose faces they’ve seen without knowing who they are.  They are going to children who have cried with longing in stores and who are going to get to squeal with delight at home.

Layaway Angel, Angel Tree, Secret Santa – so many ways to say Merry Christmas to those who aren’t close enough to hear it, but who deserve to hear it spoken loudly.  And if one of you reading is an Angel – Merry Christmas to you, too!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?