Tag People

Baseball, Hotdogs, Apple Pie, and “Aren’t they cute?”

Michael Leave a comment

Summer is a great time to be thinking about how the country is doing.  We’re getting close to the 240th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence and we should be checking up on how we’re doing keeping a country free and a government of, by, and for the people.  (For anybody checking, that anniversary isn’t coming up this July.  It’s still 4 years away but thinking stuff like this can take a while.)  Those few weeks between Flag Day and Independence Day are good days to look about at what’s good, what’s bad, and what’s uniquely American.

Last week we got to see the best and worst of Americans all wrapped up in one convenient incident.  Although it happened earlier, by mid-week it hit the national news.  Four middle schoolers, 11 and12 year olds, decided it was going to be not only a good day to taunt their bus monitor but to record and post it to the Internet for all the world to see.   So they hurled insult after insult, poked and pointed, swore at and about a 68 year old grandmother, former bus driver, and guardian of the good children on the bus.  It wasn’t the first time that they aimed their low sights at her, and it wasn’t the first time that she sat stoically taking it.  It was a horrible example of how miserably some American youth are raised and how much of their disgusting behavior is tolerated.

And then in an amazingly disgusting example of wretched behavior, one of the feeble four decided they should share their offensive conduct with the rest of the world and thus the recording was posted to the Web.   But instead of thousands of viewers sending them accolades for a bullying job well done, hundreds of thousands instead sent sympathy to the abused woman.  Tangible sympathy.  Five hundred thousand dollars worth of sympathy.  A half million ways to say we’re sorry for the incredibly stupid behavior of incredibly stupid children.

Perhaps it was the world’s way of providing one of those auto corrections that our planet does without our knowledge to keep us from hurling into space away from the safety of our solar orbit.  Maybe it’s the first step in the world’s recognition that not all children are cute and impulsive and they don’t mean anything by it.  Maybe somebody is finally realizing that if the parent’s aren’t going to handle their children, if the schools aren’t going to discipline the children, and if the police aren’t going to punish the children, that at least someone is going to see that the victims will be compensated for being a bully’s target.

Maybe the most disturbing part of the week’s news was that now that the children have been exposed and have even attempted too little too late apologies there are some who are upset that others are expressing their dismay at the miscreants’ behavior.  Again, in a remarkable worldly auto correction, the bullies have become the targets.  Even targets of death threats.  Don’t worry kids.  Those old people saying you should be expelled, fined, imprisoned, or maybe even executed are just so cute, but a little impulsive, and they don’t really mean it.  Maybe.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Cirque du Sex

Michael Leave a comment

When is oral sex in public ok?  When the people who are doing it tell you so.  In another case of bad behavior gone worse, a couple (we’re not sure if they are a “couple” or just two people) decided during a performance of Cirque du Soleil Totem in Del Mar, CA was the right time.  Being drunk sometimes clouds your judgment.  Being stupid will also.

Since it’s been all over the Internet you’re probably familiar with most of the details.  Two people get bored with the show and she starts bobbing her head in his lap.  Tickets for that performance ranged from $45 to $90 a seat.  Even at the low end the performance on the stage was probably worth it and the performance in the stands wasn’t more than a pair of arrogant, self-important losers who can’t find anything positive around them that doesn’t include them.  But we digress.  When chipper chickie starts doing her thing on the chirpy chap, a lady behind them decided her $45 to $90 didn’t not include an amateur sex play and complained.  Others around them used their cell phones to alert security.  That’s when the somewhat occupied fellow reportedly told them all to mind their own business or he’d kill them.

A pair of 5 year olds sitting in front of Deeper Throat, the Sequel, got to wondering what was going on and turn around to get their eyeful.  That’s when Mr. Throat gave one of them a high five.  After all, he was reaching his peak and was wanted to share his feelings with his intellectual and emotional peers.  Ms. Deep clearly had no peers so she just slugged one of those who first complained.  Three times.  In the face.

It got us to thinking, what kind of people do that?  What kind of people have sex in public, get caught, and act both childishly and violently when confronted? What kind of people get arrested, and still get to collect their paychecks while on administrative leave during an investigation of the incident?  Government employees, that’s who.

Yep, the amorous couple…we mean the non-lady and the tramp …are border patrol agents.  According to the Customs and Border Patrol official web-site, each officer takes “a solemn vow to secure the homeland from terrorists and other threats.”  Apparently the female officer was simply trying to restrain an overgrown child who struck a five year on the open palm of his hand and then subdued an apparent rude individual who used a cell phone during a public performance interrupting the show for hundreds of paying patrons of the arts.     

So that clears it all up.  Except for one thing.  How was it that while in the process of getting oral sex, the fat bastard managed to verbally assault those around him and cavort with the little kiddies in the row in front of him?  We guess she wasn’t that good.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Drive Around Please

Michael 3 Comments

We tried to wait but we couldn’t.  Buildings are STILL jumping in front of cars.

We first told of cars driving into buildings at a quite alarming pace at the beginning of the year.  (See Drive Through Service, January 29, and Drive Through, Part Two, February 13, in HUMOR.)  We figured at the rate they were going we’d see a car/building collision on a daily basis before the end of the year.  While the pace has slowed, the variety has not.

Ripped form the local headlines we have reports of cars driving into 10 houses, one making it all the way into the living room.  We’ve had one office building, one bank, one restaurant, one bookstore, and one billboard all become the objects of vehicular buildingslaughter.  Two locations of the same supermarket chain were targets of a pair of misguided motorcrafts.  Perhaps the chain should consider a drive through to replace one of its indoor express lanes.  One convenience store attracted its car-nal companion so well that the same driver plowed the same car into the same storefront twice.

Some smashes were particularly smashing.  There was the lady who drove her car into the airport.  We thought it was because the driver couldn’t wait to head for a warmer climate and the people mover from the parking lot wasn’t moving people fast enough.  Actually it was because she had a flat tire some 2 miles before she got to the parking lot and didn’t want to stop to change it for fear she’d miss her flight.  By the time she got to the lot she had no rubber on the wheel and the car had taken over in terms of finding its way.

One driver had his sights set on an unsuspecting suburban home and managed to eventually get all the way through the yard and nuzzle his vehicle against the front porch.  Along the way he found the house’s fishpond.  Unfortunately only 9 of the 12 known inhabitants of the pond were saved.   One driver, probably because he knew this was going to hurt, piloted his sedan through the front window of a hospital outpatient clinic.  Just as the weather was turning to consistent 70+ degree days did a car find its way into a backyard pool.  Then there was the lady who knew all this mayhem was occurring and felt it needed prayer.  So she drove right through the side entrance of a church.  God told her to.

And since we’ve been keeping things local we haven’t even mentioned the car that drove into the French subway station mistaking the wide stairs for a parking garage entrance.

Our tally since 2012 began?  Forty-four stationary objects have been the target of very bad driving.  Actually we’ve been holding back on one incident.  That was the driver who drove through a cemetery tilting a dozen headstones as if they were windmills.  We aren’t certain how to count that one.

What we are certain of is that what we were certain of – these were all cases of distracted driving – we aren’t certain of any more.  Could there really be that many drivers who are so oblivious that they can’t tell when they are about to hit the broad side of a barn?  We think this needs more concentration.  At least by the drivers!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Some Gave All

Michael Leave a comment

Happy Memorial Day!  If you really think about it, that is just so wrong.  For over 140 years, Memorial Day marked the day when Americans honored first those who died in the Civil War, then those who died in any war, then those who died.  The common theme is death.

Death, while just about always somber does is not always unhappy.  Many families due to distance or other circumstances only re-unite on the occasion of a death among them.  Quite often what began as sorrowful turns into a true celebration of life.  But “Happy Memorial Day?”  It still seems wrong.  Since the Americans started fighting as Americans in 1775, over 1.5 million Americans ceased being so other Americans would benefit from their sacrifice.

Sometime today the television news people will broadcast film of a cemetery lined with miniature American flags decorating simple crosses or markers.   Sometime today thousands of marchers will step off on a parade that will end at a memorial site where a bugler will play taps.  Sometime today you will open your Internet news or your local newspaper and see a picture of a color guard highlighting a member from each of the armed services.  Sometime today almost everybody will shed or stifle a tear because each of us knows somebody who played a part in us still being at liberty to watch TV, wave at the parade, or just explore our world. 

And sometime today we’ll forget why we celebrate today and just celebrate.  We’ll have cook-outs, play soft ball, reunite with family and friends, and have a good time.  And somewhere, 1.5 million souls will look down and smile, knowing what began as sorrowful turned into a true celebration of life. 

Happy Memorial Day!     

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

No, They Aren’t People Too

Michael Leave a comment

“We love our pets too,” the sign began.  After that there were a half-dozen examples of how much the authors of the sign loved their and others’ pets.  It finished with, “so please understand us when we say, no pets allowed.”  It was, and presumably still is a fair warning.  That sign is sharing space with the doorway to a used construction emporium.  An indoor junkyard if you will.

All throughout the building are stacks of windows, doors slid into stands, boxes of hinges and door pulls and faucet handles, rows of bath tubs, racks of counter tops, mountains of marble slabs, and hangers of hanging lamps.  Everywhere there are things made of wood, metal, glass, and porcelain.  All covered in the same dust the previous owners left and many with rusty connectors, sharp corners, and other things that hurt.  And right over there picking his way through the used kitchen counter tops on his way to the door frames is a middle-aged man attached by a leash to a forbidden dog.

He had to have seen the sign.  You couldn’t get in without seeing it.  And a sign that large means that something once happened and there should be no chance of letting it happen again.  He had to have seen it.  But he probably said to himself as his breezed on by, that was meant for people with animals.  His dog is a people.  His buddy.  His pal.  He wasn’t going to leave his best friend in a car while he perused the once heat producing radiators.  And he certainly wasn’t going to leave his only friend at home while he enjoyed his day of exploration among the once water-filled toilets.  Nope, he didn’t get to be his age and survive all alone without the help of his furry friend.  He certainly wasn’t going to turn his back on him on his only day away from the office just because he couldn’t find the right color lavatory sink at the home remodeling center.

Both of We love animals.  Together we span over 100 pet years.  At some point our houses have been home to dogs, cats, hamsters, rabbits, fish, crabs, and for a very brief time even a snake although technically he was a runaway.  Our pets have always held that special place in our hearts and our homes that are special to our pets also.  They’ve shared our spaces and our affections.  Our pet affections.  And pet spaces.  They didn’t go on vacations with us, and they don’t go to work with us.  When we see a sign that says “no dogs allowed” we don’t take that to mean no regular, aka other people’s dogs allowed.

Pets are pets.  They aren’t surrogate children.  They aren’t surrogate spouses.  They aren’t the exception to the rule.  If a tower of ceramic tiles is going to fall and the “special” dog happens to be standing there when they do, they aren’t going to stop in midair and wait for “special” to make his way clear of the danger aisle.

We don’t feel sorry for the person who can’t manage long term human relationships and has to settle for the four legged variety.   We feel sorry for the four legged variety stuck with the human who thinks “living a dog’s life” is a bad thing.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Just Causes Just Because

Michael Leave a comment

About this time of year the local newspapers run a story or two about a young citizen making like a mature adult as he or she completes a senior project and raises a few dollars for a local charity.  Such is the case of a teen local to us who raised about $1500 for the Save Darfur effort, joining millions since 2003 who have poured millions of dollars into the lobbying effort to solicit U.S. intervention.

So it was a pleasant morning when She of We read about a local college student joining the Push America’s Journey of Hope effort to raise $600,000 for Americans with disabilities and He of We read an article about a sixteen year old high school sophomore starting her own effort to raise $8,000 for a local homeless shelter. 

What makes these pleasant?  These kids had no program to make, no project to complete, and knew of what they were getting into.  It’s possible that a high school senior knows about the atrocities of Darfur.  Plug in a liberal social studies teacher and it’s even probable.  It’s equally possible that a high school senior knows the money doesn’t go to on the ground efforts in Darfur but to professional lobbyists in Washington to try to convince Congress to provide support from the national coffers.  But for a high school sophomore to just decide to ask her fellow studies for money for a homeless shelter that’s a good dozen miles from her suburban home “just because” is quite remarkable.  Equally remarkable is for a young man to take an entire summer off from gainful employment or youthful enjoyment to ride a bicycle across the country to raise money for disabled Americans a mile at a time.

Giving money, time, and energy is nothing new for the young.  Often it’s because of their energy and time that youthful philanthropy can far outraise established charities.  For example, Penn State University’s annual Thon dance marathon, the largest student run philanthropy in the world, raised over $10.5 million dollars this year for research to combat pediatric cancer.

Whether measured in millions, the hundreds of thousands, or the thousands of dollars a quarter at a time, these children and young adults show they have the maturity that is missing in so much “professional” fundraising efforts of good cause from fighting genocide to rebuilding from natural disasters.  The problem with professional philanthropy like Safe Darfur, Katrina Fundraising, and Tsunami Relief Organization is that so much of the effort has been built around the administration of the money raised that a lot goes to the professionals and a little to the philanthropy.

It seems that the fundraisers that ask for a quarter at a time make more of that money, if not all of that money go to the people whose pictures are on the donation cans.  Maybe the professionals should step aside and like the young people take over.  They’re going to eventually.  Let them start helping those who really need our help. 

Maybe then we’ll have something more interesting for them to take over.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Spring Chickens vs The Codger

Michael Leave a comment

With age comes wisdom.  And a bunch of people who don’t care.  We’re sorry, did that seem harsh?  Get used to it because the older you get the harsher reality becomes.

Neither of We is anymore what a spring chicken strives to be, but then Neither of We is at the codger level.  He of We is 5 or 6 years ahead of She of We and he might be starting to see it more.

See, back about 25 years ago He of We was a pretty good looking fellow.  Lots of hair, firm chin (with a dimple), clear eyes, and a dashing figure proclaiming him to be quite in shape.  Today he’s a bit puffy around the face and neck, lots of skin on top of his head, a figure that begs to cry out “but round is a shape.” Back then he didn’t know much more than what he learned in school and everybody knows that’s only 10% of everything anybody needs to know to be successful.  But he routinely was looked to for advice and confirmation and became that person who people listened to when E. F. Hutton wasn’t available. 

Over those 25 years he’s seen lots more of the stuff that makes him quite an invaluable asset to his employer.  Except now that he has the knowledge and wisdom that experience brought, nobody wants to listen to him.  They are all flocking around the new guy with the shirt collar that can be buttoned.

It’s probably not like that in the animal kingdom.  The dogs still follow the alpha male and it’s still the older birds that rule the roosts.  Probably in organized crime and the legal profession a little age and experience are also sought after attributes.  You can’t know a good loophole until you’ve been in one.  And maybe if you’re a dentist you never really want to turn your back on other dentists that have discovered how to keep the patient from biting and still cheerfully fork over outrageously high co-pays.

But by and large, it’s not what’s in your head that people look for at the weekly managers’ meetings.  It’s how that head looks that moves the body to the middle seat at the conference table.  If youth is wasted on the young, then experience is a mockery to the experienced.  But there is a way around this so what one learns in life isn’t wasted and what the men and women beginning their lives can learn without admitting they don’t know everything. 

Ooops, sorry.  Time for our naps.  We’ll get back to you with that at our next meeting.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Please disregard this message

Michael Leave a comment

He of We should have taken heed of his computer.  The e-mail header said, “This message look suspicious to our filters.  Do you want to open it?”  He thought he’d take a chance.  After all, the message was from the local blood bank.  The subject was Happy Birthday and it was his birthday.  How suspicious can it be? 

Both of We have long been donators of blood.  It’s almost painless, fairly quick, you get cookies and juice when you’re done, and most of the time the blood bank has some cool premium just for raising, or dropping a pint with them.  So a couple times a year we find our way to a blood drive and do the right thing.

He should have taken heed.  Lately we have been going round with our local blood bank.  All of a sudden instead of impersonal post-cards touting specific blood drives that we can read, study, or throw away, the blood bank has taken to impersonal phone calls to cajole those with intact veins to high-tail it to the nearest donation center and start bleeding.  Lately these calls have been coming every day.  Multiple times a day.  So many multiple times that they managed to make She of We call them damn vampires and He of We called them blood sucking blood suckers.  On the same day.  From different telephones.  That’s when we confirmed that Each of We has the same tolerance for annoying telephone solicitations even when the solicitor isn’t trying to sell something.

He didn’t take heed.  He opened the message and read on.

On your special day we wish you a bright and happy birthday.  If you recently donated blood, or have scheduled an appointment to donate blood, please accept our thanks on behalf of the area patients whose lives you touched. If you have recently been told by our blood center, or another blood center, that you are ineligible to donate then please disregard this message.

Even the Happy Birthday part?  Gee these guys are tough.  You’d think a blood sucking vampire would have a heart.  Where else do you drive the stake? 

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Self Storage Wars

Michael Leave a comment

As spring progresses we’ve been finding ourselves in our garages and basements digging out the rakes,  shovels, hoses, and other outdoor implements that have worked their ways behind last winter’s accumulations of “stuff.”   Every season some items move closer to the doors, less used items are packed closer to the walls.  The things that haven’t been used in a couple of years are grouped by the spring three-way sort of “trash, donate, sell.”   At least in our houses.  Maybe not in the 10.8 million households that rent storage units.

There is a pretty big chunk of people who are renting a pretty big chunk of real estate for a pretty big chunk of money to hold a pretty big chunk of junk.  According to the trade group the Self Storage Association, over 50,000 storage facilities house over 2.2 billion square feet of storage space.  The average unit goes for about $120 per month and holds…we’re not sure.

It’s not like we are running out of space at home.  In the last forty years, new home construction in the US went from an average of about 1,400 square feet to about 2,400 square feet.  In those same forty years self-storage units went from almost none (the first units starting cropping up in the late 1960’s), to enough to fill up Manhattan three times over.  Again, what’s in those spaces?

Does anybody hand anything down any more?  We all grew up on our older siblings’ cribs and high chairs, their tricycles and bikes.  When families ran out of younger children those items got passed on to cousins, neighbors, and co-workers.  What we couldn’t sell ourselves at garage sales we brought to church for rummage sales.  Without the stuff we don’t use anymore, thrift stores would be out of business.  But people do hand things down and there are still rummage sales, and thrift stores are booming.  So what is in all those storage units? 

Maybe what gets handed down the “handed to” group doesn’t want to use but are too embarrassed to tell the “handed from” group.  Maybe they keep the extra dining room set in their storage unit and tell Mom that as soon as they paint the dining room those old table and chairs will look great in there.  Maybe people are getting married so late in life they already have everything they need.  But it’s a wedding.  They still have to register somewhere and get newer stuff.  Then when the gifts are opened they can’t discard the old toaster because it’s been so good to one (or both) of them for so long it gets a special place in mini-storage. 

Or maybe it’s just junk in those garage-looking units and once it is there for a couple years the owners stop paying rent and someone can bid $5 on Door Number 3.  Then they can figure out what to do with an Atari 64 game system.

We don’t know what’s behind Door Number 113,433 but whatever it is it better be pretty important.  The average American family is spending about $1500 a year to store it.  That’s about $500 more than the average American family gives to charity.  We’re not sure if there’s a connection there but we thought we’d mention it.   

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

UDNTSAY

Michael 5 Comments

For some people, a bumper sticker just isn’t enough.  They have to say it officially with their license plates.  That’s ok.  We like the creativity you see on the back of some cars.  And we like a good challenge.  With many customized license plates we have to figure it out how many words, where the breaks are, then what those words are, and what you mean by them, all at 60 miles per hour.  Just remember, no texting a mobile shout out for help.

Some people like to put their occupations on their license plates.  Usually it’s just a trio of initials and a recognized abbreviation, like ABC RN, or DEF MD.  Recently He of We was driving behind a basic American made sedan with CO PILOT on the plate.  He wondered who was actually driving.

Some plates add a bit of whimsy to the road.  INDULGE might mean the car’s owner indulged himself or herself on the purchase of the vehicle or maybe the car owner is also owns a boutique, or an ice cream stand, or a salon, and is trying to ply a bit of subliminal messaging.

There’s always a message to be delivered in plates.  The big pick-up truck that passed us on the highway had the plate DSL PWR which we figure to mean Diesel Power.  Sometimes between the delivering and the receiving, the message gets blurred.  Was he proud of his diesel because he was maximizing his fuel dollar in such a large pick-up?  Was he proud of his diesel because he had a pick-up truck worthy to be in the truck stop next to the big rig?  Or was he reminding whoever was behind him driving uphill on a cold morning that it might take a while?

Sometimes there is too much frankness on the road.  We recall seeing the plate ALIMONY.  Although it was on a fairly pricey vehicle it wasn’t on a true luxury car so maybe the owner could have worked out a still better deal.   An oft-spotted vehicle for She of We on her way to work is one heralding the owner as CONTESSA.  We wonder what kind of work she must be off to every morning.  And what might be a sign of total excess might have been on a top of the line Mercedes, convertible of course, with the plate EXPNSV, just in case there was any doubt.

Then there are some that defy explanation.  Just this past weekend Both of We walked passed a car in a parking lot with the state issued plate proclaiming BEETLUV.  A perfectly great plate to put on a VW Beetle.  But it wasn’t.  So the only thing we could think was that particular Jeep owner loved beets.  We didn’t try to guess if they were pickled, boiled, or roasted.  A few days ago He of We was passed by a sub-compact bearing the plate DDAY.  The driver wasn’t old enough to have been in military service on the famous June 6.  Nor did he look like the world’s oldest fraternity brother of Animal House fame.  What was he saying?  We’ll probably never know.  Nor will we know the meaning of GRMLIN1.  If it was on a 40 year old American Motors compact we’d think the owner proud of his or her very well preserved car but it wasn’t and we already went down that road with the beet lover.

Sometimes the owner wants you to know where he or she is from.  We think TRACI CA must be from California even though the plate isn’t.  Is the 412 in FROM 412 the owner’s area code?  Or maybe street address?  Apartment number?  Rural route?  Maybe they aren’t always clear.

So do we have vanity plates on our vehicles?  Nope.  Thought of, yes.  And perhaps someday.  Till then we’ll stick to the bumper stickers, window decals, tire covers, and magnets to express our likes and not so hidden messages.  Besides, the best one has already been taken.

Seen on an older, but well-kept every day driver.  PAID 4.  That’s a classy plate.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?