Build Me Up, Margarine Cup?

Over the weekend I happened across a protracted online discussion regarding a new (to me) product by Melt (also new to me), uh, drum roll — butter (not new to me) (I thought).

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Apparently Melt’s “butter” is what us old guys call margarine. Except instead of corn, soybean, canola, or olive oil, it’s made of this year’s designer oils including coconut and sunflower.

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The discussion centered around that the product is labeled butter. Not butter substitute, not vegetable spread, not even “plant butter” ala Country Crock’s vegan spread. Butter. Unlike most of the European countries and Canada, the U.S. does not have a standard for what can be called milk, butter, or a variety of other dairy products. The “for” group pointed to almond milk, soy bacon, and veggie cheese. The “anti” group pointed to almond milk, soy bacon, and veggie cheese. The logic seems to be that each of those products specify its source in the product name and thus does not mislead the consumer.

Personally I have a problem with calling a non-dairy product butter, although I and millions of other carnivores do it routinely when we reach for that tastiest of all spreads, peanut butter. But again, peanut butter isn’t going to be mistaken for the stuff you create sauces with or turn to into cookies (peanut butter cookies, which also use butter butter, notwithstanding). We also confuse issues with the inaccurately named buttermilk, which unlike almond milk is not made with its modifier, and let’s not even talk about head cheese.

So what’s the solution to this confusion. If I had one I’d be chairman of a high powered, and high price, think tank, not writing a blog on a free domain. Maybe we should get back to calling things what they really are, like beef and pork and sausage. But then would even the most hard core meat eater go for “cow,” “pig,” and “your guess is as good as mine?”

 

Pump It Up

PumpkinFor the last few years I’ve publicly marveled at the extent to which each fall pumpkin has invaded our daily lives. Please understand that I am the last person on earth who would turn down an extra slice of pumpkin pie for dessert. I have my very own self with my very own hands fashioned a pumpkin cheese cake. I will wait with rapt anticipation for the once a year release of Reese’s pumpkin shape peanut butter cups. (Yeah, I know they’re not pumpkin flavored and barely look like a pumpkin but it’s my post in my blog and I happen to like peanut butter cups, or didn’t you read “Caution, Falling Pump(kin) Ahead” last year?) But I am not ready for pumpkin soap! That’s right, soap, not soup. Soap!!!

I thought that when we saw pumpkin flavored chewing gum three years ago we saw the most extreme pumpkining we were going to see. (You didn’t miss that one too, did you? Ok, go refresh your memory at “It’s The Not So Great Pumpkin.” We’ll wait for you.) Since then, pumpkin flavoring pretty much has been kept food based. Granted there have been some expectedly unexpected choices. Pumpkin salsa to go with your pumpkin chips, and pumpkin cream cheese to top your pumpkin bread are a couple of the newer fall flavor offerings. The newest pumpkin food that I’ve seen this year is the pumpkin flavored chicken sausage. A double feature at the “What’s Wrong with this Food Film Festival” but not so wrong that I couldn’t be talked into tossing a couple on the grill and see what happens when you cross a spring chicken with a fall gourd.

SoapBut up until this week’s grocery store ad, pumpkin chewing gum was the most extreme pumpkin offering out there. So extreme it was that after that one sighting in 2014 it didn’t even show up in the case load buy outs stores. But this week we might have stepped over the edge. This week we might not be coming back from. This week, somebody, somewhere, for some reason…..is going to actually buy…..pumpkin pie liquid hand soap in a convenient pump dispenser.

Oh, for sure, it’s not the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.

(Oh, in case you’re wondering, I still haven’t seen any pumpkin tea. Have you?)

Caution, Fall(ing) Pumpkin Ahead

Another week and it will be Labor Day, the unofficial end of summer. Sigh. But wait! The end of summer means Halloween will soon be upon us. In fact, Halloween candy is already filling supermarket shelves. Oh, Halloween is cool and all, but the best part of Halloween is the candy. Specifically, peanut butter pumpkins.

Summer is great, but something summer doesn’t have is its own Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Think about it. There are Reese’s Christmas Tree Peanut Butter Cups, Reese’s Valentine Heart Peanut Butter Cups, Reese’s Easter Egg  Peanut PBminiButter Cups, and the soon to be here Reese’s Pumpkin  Peanut Butter Cups. That covers fall, winter, and spring a few times over. What happened to summer? It’s a long time from Easter egg to Halloween pumpkin and I can’t wait.

I know some of you are wondering what the big deal is. It’s only chocolate and peanut butter for Heaven’s sake already. I say, for Heaven’s sake, it’s chocolate and peanut butter already! That’s a big deal! That’s like two of the four basic food groups in one bite. If we could add bourbon and bacon we could make it four for four! But I digress. It’s chocolate and peanut butter and if ever there was meant to be a match made in heaven, it’s those two.

(If you’re allergic to peanuts, please accept my apologies for being so excited about this. This well could be a greater vice for me than my otherwise reported secret vice (see Can You Keep a Secret, Aug. 3, 2015) only not kept behind closed doors.) (Sorry, digressing again.)

Now that the long hot summer is winding down, chocolate-and-peanut-butter-aholics can breathe a sigh of relief knowing those oval pillows of peanuttery chocolateness are close by. In the meantime, I think we need to check in with those people at Hershey and see what the deal is with summer. What’s wrong with a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Beach Ball?

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

 

Peanut Butter Wars

Just a day more than 3 weeks and it’s Halloween.  And we have a problem.  For a generation He of We has passed out peanut butter cups, sticks, and pieces on Halloween night.  Now that 120% of all the children in America are allergic to peanut butter, what is he going to do?

It never used to be this way.  People have been grumbling about peanut allergies for years yet every year the children have ripped through their peanut laced wrappers almost before even leaving his porch and never once did the following morning’s paper headline scream “Children Suffer Mass Allergy Attack!”  But this year seems different.  It even seems that there aren’t as many of the bright orange packages in the stores as there had been.

It could be a conspiracy.  There might be nothing wrong with any more American children now than there was fifty years ago.  What if the Twix people are no longer satisfied battling Left against Right and now have turned their combined sights on the Reese’s Sticks, Snickers aficionados are attacking Nutrageous bars, the venerable M&M is concerned about being overtaken by Reese’s Pieces, and the Mallow Cup is attempting to unseat the Reese’s Cup?  All this on the backs of the unsuspecting children who just happened to have been stung by a bee while eating a peanut butter sandwich in the park last summer.

What if it’s the parents who need something to talk about while sitting in the soccer stands since we all know that no American understands soccer just as much as we know parents must talk about something?  One-upping on allergies could be the way to go to keep the peanut butter purchases in check.

What if it’s the peanut people themselves?  No more lowly peanut butter for them.  They could be pushing their supply to the more lucrative Thai prepared dinner market, commercial thickening agents, or cosmetics!  Imagine denying a pre-teen his or her peanut butter cup because someone wants to make an animal-tested-free moisturizer.

Of course, it could be that allergies are on the rise and mothers actually know better what their children can eat than their children.  After all, kids still today eat worms and drink out of garden hoses.

So what is he going to do?  Break tradition?  Or save the children?  It never used to be this complicated.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.