Tag Parody

The Interview

Michael 17 Comments

HR Rep: Good morning. Thank you for coming in. Please have a seat.

Candidate: [grunt]

HR Rep: Tell me a little about yourself.

Candidate: I’m amazing. People say I’m amazing. Everybody is less amazing than me.

HR Rep: Okay, umm. Why do you think you are right for this job.

Candidate: Everyone else who is applying is dangerous. They are responsible for the destruction and downfall of every company they’ve ever worked for. They are so bad. They are Dimwit Doorfillers

HR Rep: Dimwit Doorfillers. That’s a pretty derisive sobriquet.

Candidate: Croquet is a beautiful game. Beautiful game. Nobody plays croquet like I do. It’s where we separate the men from the girls.

HR Rep: No, not croquet, sobriquet. Umm, ah, a nickname or alias.

Candidate: Criminals! Only criminals have aliaseses. I am not a crook!

HR Rep: That’s too many Ses.

Candidate: You can never have too many eseses. It’s a beautiful letter. Great curves in eses. Love a great curve. Hehehe

HR Rep: We seem to be getting off the track. Let’s talk about your qualifications for this job.

Candidate: The people love me.

HR Rep: That may be, but why are you interested in this job?

Candidate: Because everyone else you can pick from is a bad choice, the worst choice, a choice so bad. So bad. They are bent on ruining your company. I am loved. No one else is.

HR Rep: Maybe I’m asking questions that are too general. Let’s talk specifics. If you are selected for this job, you will be responsible for managing the department budget. What is your experience in finances?

Candidate: I am the greatest money handler in all of time. Going back to the time before there was money I was handling it. Nobody else knows how to. Only me. I am so good.

HR Rep: Would you like to expand on that?

Candidate: That guy you have in there now, he’s a joke. He’s running this company into the ground. Motley Manager and his crew are ruining this beautiful company. He is weaponizing the adding machine.

HR Rep: Alrighty then. How about personnel? Have you any experience handling staff.

Candidate: That’s a lie! I never handled a staff and they are only saying that to distract form the fact that Motley Manager and his crew have spent this company bankrupt.

HR Rep: Umm, but we aren’t bankrupt, and…

Candidate: You will be if you let things continue the way they’re going, spending billions like they are.

HR Rep: Can we get back to personnel. I think you misunderstood me when I said handle. What is your experience managing groups of workers?

Candidate: Workers, yes workers. Beautiful people. Love working with workers. They love me. All of them. Beautiful, beautiful.

HR Rep: I see we’re running short on time. Just a few more questions. How would you protect the safety of your department’s software and technical components?

Candidate: Build a wall around them! A moat if we have to. Anyone in there that doesn’t belong we will put them out.

HR Rep: No, again, maybe I didn’t make myself clear. I meant how would you defend against cybercrime like phishing schemes.

Candidate: Fishing, fishing is a beautiful sport. Nobody fishes like I do. Beautiful just beautiful. You know that’s where we separate the men from the girls.

HR Rep: Again, thank you for coming in. We’ll get back to you.

Candidate: You will regret if you don’t hire me! I could be the last person you ever hire!! If you do not hire me I know all those beautiful people, beautiful people, they are with me and they will not be hired and they will not be pleased. I am the only logical choice!! Me!! Pick me I said, Me!!!

HR Rep into phone: Security, please report to Personnel. Now!

Blog Art 2 - 1

We dare you to be disliked. Why? Because you can’t please all the people all of the time. We say if you dare to be unliked often enough and you will be liked more often. Maybe often enough to please most of the people most of the time. Read why we feel like that in the latest Uplift, the blog on ROAMcare.org.

The TV Dinner and the Hot Dog

Michael 4 Comments
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Places everybody. I’d say let’s get this down in one take but that ship sailed 14 takes ago. Hot Dog, wipe that mustard off your face. Again! And somebody mop the sweat off TV Dinner or it’s back in the freezer. Ok, we’re ready. Roll sound! Roll camera!
 
DIRECTOR: Action!
 
HOT DOG: Happy National Hot Day Day! That’s September 10 to you commoners.
 
TV DINNER: But it’s supposed to be my day, TV Dinner Day. You already had Hot Dog Day on the third Wednesday of July, July 22 this year actually. Today is…
 
HOT DOG: Yes, yes, today is National Hot Dog Day! The hot dog is the greatest food in the world, in the entire universe, and deserves two days. In fact we deserve 2 days every month, every week even! You can never have too many hot dogs! Who wants a nutritionally wimpy salt and fat explosion of bad taste that makes airplane food seem gourmet? You can’t even decide how to dress. You started out all shiny in those aluminum trays with bright aluminum foil covers and look at you now, boxed up in black plastic with that chintzy see through top. Now a hot dog hasn’t changed in four billion years because we were born perfect! 
 
TV DINNER: That’s not true! To begin with you weren’t invented until the 1870’s and didn’t become popular until 50 years after that. Based on a flash freezing process developed in the 1920s TV dinners hit the streets running in 1954 and never lost momentum. And we can be very healthy. It depends on what you pick. A frozen meatloaf with mash potatoes and gravy might have a little more salt and fat than recommended but a baked chicken with broccoli or vegetable lasagna are solid, healthy dinner choices. TV Dinners satisfy whatever mood you’re in. We are what you make of us.
 
HOT DOG: I’ll tell you what I can make of you. Garbage! Look at all that packaging. Waste, waste, waste. A hot dog is all food. And were portable. You won’t find a vendor at the ball yard hawking frozen dinners. You’re called TV Dinners because after somebody gorges on a box of you all they’re good for the rest of the night is watching TV. Hot Dogs on the other hand are the food of the fit. That’s why were at every sporting event around the world! Now go crawl back into the freezer and let me celebrate like the winner that I am!
 
TV DINNER: I think what you’re saying is wrong. Just because you are sold at ball games doesn’t make hot dogs nutritious. Nachos are big at sporting events and you really don’t believe melted cheese on salty chips is good for you.
 
HOT DOG: Oh baby do I love melted cheese! I look fabulous with that gooey yellow goodness oozing out of the ends of my bun. It gives me shivers just to think how much healthier I am with a layer of cheese and maybe even chili too.
 
TV DINNER: Healthier? Are you cra…… No, no, I mustn’t be like that. It might not be fair but if you really believe you need two days I’ll share mine with you. I’d rather give a little and live long and in peace than to spend what little time we have arguing about who is better when we know deep down it takes all of us to make a kitchen full and happy.
 
TVDinnerDogVOICE OVER: Be like the TV Dinner and make the best out of the situations over which you have no control. Don’t fall into the trap of believing the world can’t live without you and you deserve everything you can get. Don’t be a hot dog. Be a winner, winner, frozenchicken dinner.
 
DIRECTOR: Cut! Good work everybody. Thank you
 
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:  Thank you all. Leave your costumes in the dressing area and check the board for up coming food spots. If you’re interested, have your agents call now.
 
DIRECTOR: We’re doing good stuff here. Let’s eat. I have a taste for one of those little frozen apple desserts. How about you?
 
 
 

Pneumania

Michael 14 Comments

“Yeah, they sound pretty junky.”  Not the thing you want to hear from your doctor while he’s pressing a stethoscope against your back but what I expected to hear from the time I woke up seven hours earlier. It would be “official” when the x-ray results showed what looked like the course diagram of a nine hole golf course where my right lower lung should be but I was pretty sure I had pneumonia when I coughed myself awake around 4 Monday morning.

I’d been moving slower than usual and had a little cough for a couple days before but I hadn’t considered that I was actually any sicker than usual. If it wasn’t for the fever, chills, dizziness, shortness of breath, and inability to get out of bed without falling over I might have thought I was overreacting when I said to myself, “Self, this ain’t no man flu. You got pneumania. You should call someone,” in between gasps.

ChestXrayYes, pneumania is a real thing. It’s just like the pneumonia that non-men get only it’s real. It’s not the “cough, cough, oh I feel so bad I think I have pneumonia but I’ll still make breakfast and pack everybody’s lunch then go to work and come home and still clean the house before I make a gourmet dinner then I’ll work on my hand crafted head bands for my Etsy shop and write 3 or 4 thousand words for my novel” type of pneumonia. No. What I have is a real pneumonia. A man’s pneumonia. Pneumania!

Ok, it’s true. You can get a little loopy from too much cough syrup. But hey, I got photograph proof that my life is in jeopardy. And not just from your lack of compassion. So there! 😛

Hmm. That might mean more if I didn’t live alone.

Cough, cough.

Sorry.

Cough.