Tag Olympics

The Sport the Olympics Didn’t Think of

Michael 2 Comments

We happen to be on vacation this week (we’re sorry if it sounds like we’re bragging, we are) in a Caribbean island paradise.  As we were wandering the grounds we passed what could have been croquet balls.  “But where are the wickets?” She of We asked, surprising herself that she knew what those little wire things are called.   He of We thought perhaps they were bocce balls but were missing the little target ball.  Neither of We were surprised that neither of us knew what that is called.  As we headed down the lane trying to decide if we should lounge on the beach or at the pool we debated if these could become new Olympic sports.  (You debate what you want on vacation, we’ll debate what we want.)

After several false starts, underwater hand standing among them, we settled on bocce.  We were looking for something that had an even playing field and decided that, a la the Winter Olympics’ curling, almost nobody across the globe really knows much about bocce.  You can’t get much more even than that.  Next on our criteria list was a sport, again similar to curling, that the rules don’t help in understanding. Scoring was also a factor.  A quick trip through the Internet revealed scoring to be both complicated and confusing involving measurements, location, and order of play. We also decided that it should be a game that can be played over several days.  Since a single game of bocce can take an entire afternoon to play (we confirmed this by channeling dead Italian relatives), an entire tournament can last the entire 17 days of competition.  This is important since the scoring will be explained on television by commentators who know nothing about it and thus will give them ample opportunity to contradict themselves, once again not unlike those who comment on curling.  And finally, we decided that it was very important to select a new game that can be played rip roaring drunk since it will sprout bocce clubs all over the United States by the guys at the local bars who stayed up all the night before studying it in minute detail so they can be the bar expert on bocce.  These chosen ones may or may not be the same hardy souls who sprouted a curling club two years prior after the winter games.

And thus we present to the International Olympic Committee a sport that will keep television viewers up into the very early hours of the morning all over the world transfixed by the event nobody ever knew existed.  Ladies and gentlemen, we give to you the summer version of the winter signature event curling, Olympic Bocce!

Now, what is that little ball called?  Mario?  Giovanni?  Irving?  We’re going to have to read up on that.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

What We Did During the Summer Olympics

Michael Leave a comment

After Missy Franklin’s record breaking 200 meter backstroke victory, the interviewer reminded us that she is still a high schooler returning to classes in less than a month when she remarked to the swimmer, “When they ask you what you did on your summer vacation you’re going to have some stories.”  

And so will we.  We’ve learned a lot from sitting in front of the television each evening watching the stories and the competitions.  And there’s still more to come.  So what have we learned so far?

The swim team seems more like a team than the women’s gymnastics team.  Their smiles came more easily and seemed more genuine.

We know hockey.  Field hockey is not hockey.

The women’s gymnastics teams should be called the girls’ gymnastics teams.

Even though the television commentators won their share of medals in past games they can’t pick a winner any better than we can.

We want to see the rules for water polo.

The women beach volleyball squads hug after almost every point.  The indoor volleyball squads barely hug after each game.  Must be because of less sun indoors.

We want something on the screen to tell us if a race or game or bout is a preliminary heat or a medal round.  Please.

Wow that diving platform is high!

Some of the men gymnasts have more upper body strength than some of the weightlifters.

Those berets are still stupid.

Not everyone’s a winner.  But the ones who don’t get a medal are almost always gracious towards the winner and runners-up. 

Maybe everyone is a winner after all.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

A Real, Real Reality Show

Michael Leave a comment

In just a matter of hours, the real, real reality show begins.  The thirtieth Olympiad has already begun and the opening ceremony is just a day away.  It’s a spectacle like no other.  But why?  What captures the world’s attention so that these games will be the talk of the sports world, the fashion world, the travel world, the diplomatic world for four more years?

For 120 years, modern man has emulated the ancient Greeks in their pursuit of excellence.  What seems trite to one generation is full of hope for another, very real for still another, and full of memories for another yet. 

There is a pursuit for excellence.  Every year countries all over the world host athletic competitions based on ancient programs.  But these, the games that arise every four years combine them all to find the greatest.  On the track, in the field, on the courts, athletes strive to be the fastest runners, highest jumpers, strongest wrestlers, the most flexible gymnasts.  These combine with modern events like basketball and volleyball to find the teams who know the difference between good and excellent.

The competitors go beyond sports.  They represent their countries and their countries’ hopes to prove they are the best in peaceful competitions.  But competitions they are.  There will be no points awarded for a good sob story.  Nobody will be granted extra time because of a hard childhood.  No one will be spotted a lead for having a challenged child.  The victory will be because the challenger is the best.  Period. 

The biggest competition is about to begin on the biggest stage in front of the biggest field of spectators.  May it be the best competition on the best stage in front of the best spectators.  Period.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

The Agony of Defeatism

Michael Leave a comment

You know that we have never told you what to do or think or say.  Thinly veiled otherwise strongly worded suggested we have, but outright told, no.  We are now.  We are going to ask you to do just what we do and find all your Polo cosmetics and fragrances, dig out all your Lauren accessories, rummage through the closets and take out everything that has Ralph Lauren on the label, and burn them all.  If your local municipality prohibits open flames we will accept repeated slashes and then bury the remains.  And then don’t ever ever never buy any of his stuff again.  Ever.  Never.

Yes, we’re a little upset about the Chinese made U. S. Olympic Team uniforms.  There are so many other things that have hit the news wires this week, why of all things would we take such a drastic stand over clothes?  It’s the Olympics.  It is the ultimate in competition.  This is America.  We are nuts about competitions.  Put it together.  The ultimate in reality shows is about to take place and we’re sending our representatives there in somebody else’s clothes.

Nobody asked us but what we would have done was not even turned the design to a professional.  We would have taken advantage of those reality competition shows out there and let the “Project Runway” or similar contestants design the uniforms.  The Olympics are the grandest of all contests and should be represented by the best of the best.  We don’t pick our swimmers by holding open bids.  We don’t select our archers through a series of contract negotiations.  We don’t choose our sprinters based on who did good before.  Before they get to be competitors, they compete for the privilege.

If we had let the design of the uniforms to true competitors we’d probably have something uniquely identifiable.  Has anybody looked at these things?  There’s no mistaking them for anything other than Ralph Lauren designs.  He made sure of that by the size and placement of his logo exactly as it is on his U. S. Golf Open, U. S. Tennis Open, and Open Championship uniforms.  And you’d think somebody so American with so many U. S. credits would realize we haven’t worn berets in this country since Annie Hall premiered (and even she knew better than to wear one on screen).

Since we can’t go back and have the uniforms re-designed, let’s at least get them re-made.  Ralph Lauren has already said he will have the 2014 uniforms made in the USA.  That’s nice.  But we’re still letting the 2012 team go to London with zippers sewn in the shadow of the Great Wall.  Let’s face it, there is enough money in his various companies’ accounts and among several of the USOC members’ households that Lauren, et.al. could say, “We screwed up.  We’ll fix it and have the uniforms all re-made here and we’ll pay for it” and not notice the bill.  The amount spent on redoing the uniforms might be enough advertising for his companies that it would offset the bad publicity he has already received. 

Frankly, we don’t care why he doesn’t.  There’s 10 days to go before anybody has to see the Asian varieties and it can be done.  So just do it.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?