Tag Old Ladies

Yes, It Is a Number – A BIG Number

Michael Leave a comment

I had a terrific post ready to upload but then that old lady happened. It was supposed to be about getting older but how everyone says, “Hey, it’s just a number.” In a way, this post is still about that. Let me start at the beginning.

I was at the store just as the heavens opened with a good old-fashioned downpour. Hundreds of gallons of water poured out of the sky every minute. And that was at its slowest. Then, it stopped. As quick as it started it just stopped. Unpredictable spring weather. I hobbled my way to the car, loaded up the groceries, backed out of the space, and turned toward the exit.

And there she was. Marching down the middle of the road, head bent over, shuffling in that gait you have to be around 90 to master, was that old lady. She was every one of 90 years, not looking left, nor right, nor straight ahead. She looked nowhere and at nothing. And she headed straight for me.

The last place I wanted to see her was splayed across my hood as some macabre ornament. But she continued heading straight for me. I mean straight. She didn’t veer a fraction of a degree to either side. She was walking right to me. The impact was going to crush her. Her bones were going to drop out of her skin and she was going to collapse in a heap like a worn out building imploded to make way for a new one. I would be guilty of running over an old lady. And I was stopped!

I had to warn her. I tried to connect with her telepathically telling her to look up. Either I didn’t get through or she just ignored my call because she kept her head down and kept on coming. I rolled down the window and waved furiously. She walked on. I called to her. “Yo, Lady!” Nothing. Finally I decided she had left me no choice. I had to use my horn. I had hoped to avoid that. I was certain that the sudden honk would startle her into a heart attack and then I would be guilty of oldladycide.

As gently as I could, I pushed down on the horn button in the steering wheel and was awarded with a short “…beep…..” Still nothing. To myself I said, “Self, give it to her,” and smashed down on that picture of a horn and let go with a “HOONNNNKKKKKKKK!”

Finally, just steps away, she looked up, saw me sitting there, snarled at me (yes, snarled), then flipped me the bird.

Oh it’s a number all right.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

No Friends in Close Places

Michael Leave a comment

About a week ago we went to the movies. We hadn’t been there for a while, there was a movie playing that we wanted to see, and it was showing at a time we were able to see it. We got there in time for the coming attractions (we’re never sure why but we almost always do) and thus had plenty of time to pick out some good seats. So we thought.

There were already quite a few taken, or to put it another way, there weren’t all that many left to choose from. But choose we did and over the half hour that the upcoming trailers took we watched as many couples filed their way past us and the remaining two inside seats on our row. All of those many couples found other seats for them to park their seats and we breathed that sigh of relief that we could leave our popcorn and soft drinks and jackets as they were. Until the opening credits of the movie. That’s when the two old ladies ambled up the aisle, squinted in the darkness, pointed beyond us and started moving in. They weren’t even going to wait for us to make passage room for them. The movie was starting and they wanted to sit down!

Things like that happen. We’re usually ok with them when they do. It wasn’t until these two worked their bulks past us and plopped into the seats next to She that we realized they weren’t just a couple of old ladies. They were a couple of old ladies wearing old lady perfume. Now this was a somewhat quirky movie which means it required just a little thought to keep all of the characters and subplots tied together. That’s where the popcorn comes in. Popcorn ties thoughts, but that’s a post for a different day. One thing popcorn does not do is provide a fragrance free zone safe from old lady perfume. So for two hours and some-odd minutes we lost bits and pieces of the movie because our brains were too intent on a) figuring out why these two old ladies would venture out drenched in old lady perfume knowing they would be in close quarters; and b) what was that scent anyway? It even drove us out before we could read the entire closing credit crawl which often times is the best part of the movie, particularly quirky ones, particularly when one is distracted by old lady perfume.

For a few dollars more we could have had the reserved seating in this theater. We rarely do because there is rarely a need. We’ve discovered the need. A quick glance behind us revealed many seats were available in the high rollers section. So that did it for us. Next time and every time, that’s where our seats will be seated.

Although we couldn’t confirm it, we’ve been wondering if perhaps the two old ladies might have been working for the theater, creating the demand for those seats while the supply was amply available. Probably not. Even in a big corporation like the one running those screens we just couldn’t see how the local manager would be able to justify that much old lady perfume when the end of the month bills came in. Nor find a couple of old ladies to sit through two-plus hours of a quirky movie. Old ladies don’t do quirk. They do musings. Probably about perfume.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?