Tag Movies

No Friends in Close Places

Michael Leave a comment

About a week ago we went to the movies. We hadn’t been there for a while, there was a movie playing that we wanted to see, and it was showing at a time we were able to see it. We got there in time for the coming attractions (we’re never sure why but we almost always do) and thus had plenty of time to pick out some good seats. So we thought.

There were already quite a few taken, or to put it another way, there weren’t all that many left to choose from. But choose we did and over the half hour that the upcoming trailers took we watched as many couples filed their way past us and the remaining two inside seats on our row. All of those many couples found other seats for them to park their seats and we breathed that sigh of relief that we could leave our popcorn and soft drinks and jackets as they were. Until the opening credits of the movie. That’s when the two old ladies ambled up the aisle, squinted in the darkness, pointed beyond us and started moving in. They weren’t even going to wait for us to make passage room for them. The movie was starting and they wanted to sit down!

Things like that happen. We’re usually ok with them when they do. It wasn’t until these two worked their bulks past us and plopped into the seats next to She that we realized they weren’t just a couple of old ladies. They were a couple of old ladies wearing old lady perfume. Now this was a somewhat quirky movie which means it required just a little thought to keep all of the characters and subplots tied together. That’s where the popcorn comes in. Popcorn ties thoughts, but that’s a post for a different day. One thing popcorn does not do is provide a fragrance free zone safe from old lady perfume. So for two hours and some-odd minutes we lost bits and pieces of the movie because our brains were too intent on a) figuring out why these two old ladies would venture out drenched in old lady perfume knowing they would be in close quarters; and b) what was that scent anyway? It even drove us out before we could read the entire closing credit crawl which often times is the best part of the movie, particularly quirky ones, particularly when one is distracted by old lady perfume.

For a few dollars more we could have had the reserved seating in this theater. We rarely do because there is rarely a need. We’ve discovered the need. A quick glance behind us revealed many seats were available in the high rollers section. So that did it for us. Next time and every time, that’s where our seats will be seated.

Although we couldn’t confirm it, we’ve been wondering if perhaps the two old ladies might have been working for the theater, creating the demand for those seats while the supply was amply available. Probably not. Even in a big corporation like the one running those screens we just couldn’t see how the local manager would be able to justify that much old lady perfume when the end of the month bills came in. Nor find a couple of old ladies to sit through two-plus hours of a quirky movie. Old ladies don’t do quirk. They do musings. Probably about perfume.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Nobody in the Middle

Michael Leave a comment

Not so many days ago, He and She were watching television by telephone.  That’s when we’re each watching the same program, in this case movie, at our own houses while discussing the proceedings by phone for the duration.  It’s a perfectly acceptable alternative to side by side viewing when either of us is quite comfy staying right where she or he (or She or He) might by, and/or neither of us wants to go out in the cold and snow.  There are added benefits.  Either of us could also read the paper, play a computer game, or watch the deer outside the window and not distract the other.  On particularly hungry days it’s also possible to eat a full meal without the other being wise to the extra caloric consumption going on so long as the meal doesn’t consist of crunchy tacos.  Surely we’re not the only ones who do something like that.

But we digress.  We were watching an old movie starring among others, Patricia Neal.  A very young Patricia Neal.  A 1950’s vintage Patricia Neal.  Whenever we watch old movies we seem to end up playing that game “I wonder what ever happened to her.” Or him.  Although we could recall other movies featuring a young Patricia Neal, neither of us could recall anything in which she was featured after the late 50’s other than an occasional coffee ad on television.  She had entered the dreaded Middle Age Zone, one from which there is no available film character regardless of the talent of the star.  Not until card carrying members of the Screen Actors’ Guild pass through the donut hole and become older, character actors do we ever see them again.

We know that most movie goers are young adults and most young adults want to see other young adults on the big screen.  But there are some older (over 35) people still with disposable income who go to the movies.  Must they also be content watching children cavort in digital splendor?  Surely there is room somewhere for a middle age character other than mom or pop for 10 or 15 minutes throughout the movie.  (That’s twice we used the word “surely” so you know we really mean it.)

It is still acceptable for “older” actors to be featured in movies.  A great example is “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” which starred nobody but older actors.  These are people everybody relates to.  The older movie goer remembers them as young actors when the movie goers themselves were young.  The young movie goers saw the older actors hosting Saturday Night Live a month before the release of the movie.  And even the middle age movie goers sort of remember their parents speaking of these people as fine actors or their children recounting how cool they were on SNL last week.

There are exceptions.  “It’s Complicated” featured Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Alec Baldwin well past young actorhood but not yet in their golden years.  You might say they were smack in the middle of the Middle Age Zone.  These sorts of movies are rare but when they come along they are usually quite entertaining and end up making somebody quite a bit of money.  Never a bad thing in business.

So why doesn’t somebody exploit these people while they are traversing the donut hole from youngster to eccentric?  That could be the question of the decade.  Or at least for a few more years until a few more of our favorite former young actors join the eccentric crowd and we can now answer, “I wonder what ever happened to her.” Or him.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

A sucker and his money are soon strangers

Michael Leave a comment

P. T. Barnum said “There’s a sucker born every minute.” W. C. Fields said “It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money,” then went on to say “Never give a sucker an even break.” Well, we seem to be two of them even though born about 400,000 minutes apart, who willingly handed over our hard-earned money, and couldn’t have gotten a break even if we tried. We’ll be happy to explain.

You’ll recall we recently took a mini-vacation to Niagara Falls, the ones on the New York side of the river. It was there, in the Niagara Falls State Park, inside the conveniently located NFSP Visitors’ Center, that the State of New York recognized us and another 10 or 12 visitors as the suckers we so clearly must be. After visiting their facilities and sharing a $4.00 soft drink we decided to view the IMAX film, Niagara Legends of Adventure at the Niagara Adventure Theater. Thanks to all the Niagara myths and legends and spirits, and that it was winter, we got to take advantage of the low, low, half-off the regular admission winter rates. If we had to pay the full price to see a re-enactment of the legendary Seneca wedding featuring a runaway bride, a runway barrel with a runaway teacher and cat contained therein, a runaway steam boat chugging downstream, and a runaway family afternoon in the park ending with the runaway Seneca bride hanging out under the falls while all around her fall over the falls, we’d have felt dumb. (There’s more to the story than that –well, actually, no, there isn’t.) And once the 30-some minute show was over we got to exit. And so we did, directly into the visitor center gift shop. And it was there than we did what any self-respecting visitors do. We bought overpriced souvenirs and marveled at the deals we were getting.

Except for the extremely hokey and overpriced movie, the visitor center was what we’ve come to expect from the average tourist attraction. The truth is, including the extremely hokey and overpriced movie, the visitor center was what we’ve come to expect from the average tourist attraction. And we ask, why?

This isn’t the first hokey movie we’ve seen on vacation. (See “We’re On Vacation, Part 3.” In fact, see all three parts of “We’re on Vacation” under the Travel tab.) And it’s not the first time we’ve been unceremoniously dumped into the gift shop after a hokey movie. But it was the first time that we stopped ourselves from grabbing at the gaudy-colored, poorly screened t-shirt that proclaims to the world that we are living proof that P. T. Barnum was right. Who decided that every vacation must end with a purchase of the vacation spot emblazoned across a t-shirt. They are like the designer bag for the vacation set and say, “I have arrived,” or “I have been taken.”  Other souvenirs are at least useful.  Shot glasses and coffee cups can hold coffee and shots, bumper stickers and decals can be pasted to car bumpers or other places, magnets can be stuck on refrigerators. Hoodies keep out the chill. Sleep shirts keep in the warmth. Plates commemorate. Thimbles decorate. Post cards enunciate. But T-shirts? Twenty-nine dollar t-shirts?  They just get dusty in drawers until they get to become dust rags.

So we got to see a magnificent natural sight. And then got taken in a typical man-made fright. It’s all in a vacation. By the way, did you know you can get commemorative mittens? Now that’s practical.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

The Price of Popcorn

Michael Leave a comment

“I’ll see your two small popcorns and raise you a medium soft drink.”

“You’re bluffing.  There’s your medium drink and I’ll raise you a soft pretzel.  With honey mustard.”

Over the past several years we’ve done remarkably well seeing all of the Academy Award nominees.  Not necessarily in the same year they are nominated, but eventually.  And we’ve done remarkably well seeing entertaining movies also.  They aren’t always the same you know.  But every so often there comes a critically acclaimed movie that ends up walking away with all the awards that we also like.  Those are the two- popcorns-two-drinks movies. And then there are those that everybody says we have to see so we do.  Usually they end up walking away with all the awards and frankly, we wouldn’t even waste the price of a box of Milk-Duds on all of them put together.

Sometimes the movies are the big hits.  And sometimes they are the big flops.  But hit or miss, we still go to see them.  And when we’re there we never go in without our popcorn.  We invite you to join us as we place value on today’s film offerings based on concession stand items.

It makes sense.  You can see a movie any day of the week, any time of the day and the price varies.  The movie doesn’t.  The winners are winners on Tuesday afternoon just as much as they are on Friday night. If it’s a dog, it barks every time it’s played.  First run, second run, it’s still either running away with it all or just running away.  Just because we have to pay $4.00 more after 4:00 it doesn’t get 40% better.  Nope, there is no correlation between the admission for a movie and how good is that movie.  So when some smarmy film critic says, “It wasn’t worth the price of admission” what admission are we to assume?

Yet with all the variances in how much a theater will charge to get you into the seat, they know their gold standard is what is so prominently displayed well before you make your way to those seats.  The concessions!  Popcorn is popcorn and it’s $10.00 for a medium one of them any show, any day, any time.  Not long ago we were at an afternoon showing of one of this year’s best picture nominees.  It was a matinee so we got in for the low, low price of $14.00 for the both of us.  Two small popcorns and drinks later, He of We had dug out another $20.00.  We were almost outraged that the snacks cost more than the main dish.  But a few weeks earlier we were at the evening showing of a movie that we enjoyed but will never have “Oscar Winner” on its DVD cover.  Admission for two?  $24.00.  Popcorn and pop for both?  $20.00.  Here we have our measure of comparison!  Not admission. 

We paid more for what was put out as fluff, marketed as fluff, and played as fluff than we did to see the award winning performance in a movie everyone has talked about since it was released months ago.  Had we watched those two movies on the opposite days and times that we did, would we have instead gotten what we paid for?  It’s too hard to tell.  Every mathematician will tell you that solving simultaneous equations went out with the IBM 200.  One variable.  Period.  And that variable is the movie.  For sure.

So here is our gold standard for clear movie worth.  If after you see the movie you first thought is, that wasn’t worth the price of the popcorn, you won’t be watching it when it comes out on your cable company’s Movies On Demand list.  Not even the free one.  On the other hand, if your initial reaction is “that was worth more than the biggest, saltiest, butteriest popcorn, I’ve ever had,” and you wish you had even more, you’ll be back next week for an encore. 

It only makes sense. The price of admission goes up, goes down, goes half-off, and gets the Entertainment Book coupon special all to put seats in those seats.  And it’s all to get you in the door. Once you’re through those doors they bring out the big gun. The ultimate money-maker. The true measure of entertainment success. Snack food!

That’s because sometimes the movie is the attraction, and sometimes it’s there just to accompany the popcorn.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Credit Where Credit Is Due?

Michael 1 Comment

Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve seen a lot of movies.  It must be winter.  It’s much more comfortable sitting in a cozy theater nibbling on popcorn than speeding around an ice skating rink at 15 miles per hour in 15 degree weather.  Then again, maybe we just like movies better.  For whatever reason, over the last couple of weeks we’ve seen a lot of movies.

You’ll remember that a couple of weeks ago we wrote about watching a television network’s idea of the greatest movie ever filmed.  We disagreed with that but we watched it all the way through.  It was from the 1940’s so you really didn’t have to watch it all the way through to read all the credits.  They were all in front of the movie, some before the title, some after, and all of them taking a grand total of about a minute to read.

The movie that we saw most recently was filmed in the 1990’s and was nobody’s pick of the greatest movie ever filmed but not a bad story.  We stayed at the end of the movie to read the credits all the way through.  That took about 7 minutes.  Then there was the last of the new releases that we saw in the cozy theater with the popcorn.  It was nominated for a bazillion Academy Awards and someday will be on somebody’s list of the greatest movies ever filmed but we’ll probably disagree with that also.  We stayed all the way through to read those credits and those took about 15 minutes to read. 

So where are we going with this?  We aren’t sure either but we wonder who all these people are.  Some of them clearly have something to do with the movie.  That might be the Third Unit Director.  Director of any unit should have something to do with the movie important enough to get noticed.  But Assistant Paint Foreman?  We’re not kidding.  How about Catering Auditor?  We don’t doubt that somewhere in the making of this movie somebody audited the caterer’s invoices.  And for that they are mentioned at the end of the movie.  Hmm.   

Many people are involved in bringing you your morning newspaper.  There are the writers, the editors, the publisher.  These peoples’ names are prominently mentioned so you can ooh and ahh over them.  And several people are required to get you your semi-annual teeth cleaning.  There is the dentist and then there is the hygienist, and the office receptionist.  You probably won’t see the name of the person who services the dental chair on your dentist’s statement any more than you’ll see the person who changes the oil in the car of the person who delivers you newspaper noted on the masthead.  Yet aren’t these the equivalent of the catering auditor? 

So we have to ask, are we being too generous with the credits for those who work in the movies, or not generous enough with those who really make a difference in our lives.  We wonder about that.  We really do.

 

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Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

5 x 2,000 = 0

Michael Leave a comment

It was an okay start to the weekend.  It was cold and there was a call for some snow.  But by the time Both of We were in the same house, about 2 inches of that snow had fallen and the other 3 or 4 that was coming was coming quickly.  It seemed, even though there were more than a few destinations to where we could have headed, the sofa and a television would do just fine for this weekend.

When we turned on the set one of the first sights we saw was a commercial for one of the satellite TV programmers’ DVR that can record up to 2,000 hours without losing a single digit out of all those digital files.  Shortly after that was a commercial for another satellite provider’s DVR package that allows you to record up to 5 programs at the same time.  Clearly those guys have more to pick from that the 1,100 channels we had at our remote fingertips.

It’s the time between the Academy Award nominations and the Academy Award recognitions so every channel that had anything among its offerings remotely movie-like would be running Oscar Month specials.  We saw promos for the best movie ever coming to a TV near you before this year’s glittery statuettes are awarded.  Unfortunately it’s hard to get the programmers from American Movie Classics, Turner Classic Movies, Arts and Entertainment, TruTV, Disney, History, BET, Comedy Central, and the Golf Channel to agree on the best movie ever.

We did watch one network’s offering of its idea of the best movie ever (we disagreed) and sometime during the weekend we also watched a couple hockey games, some cooking shows on PBS and on commercial television, WipeOut, lots of syndicatedtwenty-year old situation comedies, a horrible horror film offered at midnight, news, the Puppy Bowl, another movie, and very unusual presentation of an early 1950’s recording of a full orchestra performing all Strauss, all the time.  No Super Bowl but we did watch the commercials on the Internet.

Neither of us has the requisite satellite provider to be able to record up to 2,000 hours of what we watched this weekend.  Fortunately we rarely watch 2,000 hours of television in one sitting.  (Does anybody realize that 2,000 hours of television at 4 hours of television watching per day every day is almost 11 months of TV?)  We tried to figure out what 5 shows we’d record all at the same time and decided we couldn’t find 5 shows that were playing all weekend that were on our “we can’t miss these at any cost” list. The only hour and the only show we might have considered wanting to record was maybe the Johann Strauss concert or possibly one of the cooking shows that had an interesting recipe for pizza dough that neither of us had seen before.  But then on further consideration we decided Strauss had too schizophrenic a style for us and we already have two favorite pizza shops that do it for us.

So it seems that the programmers, both computer and marketing, have managed to violate the Number One Rule of Inventions.  Just because you can, doesn’t mean that you should.   

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

And the Winner Is…

Michael 1 Comment

Christmas movies…some of the all-time classic movies are Christmas movies.  “White Christmas,” “Miracle on 34th Street,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Emmett Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas.”  Well, there’s clearly something for everyone in the Christmas movie catalog.   What’s your favorite?

Those who know say that the number one Christmas movie of all time may be “A Christmas Story.”  And indeed the movie itself can be a ‘major award’ of holiday classic-ism.  There’s no mistaking it for anything but a holiday favorite.  It’s even in the name.  Ditto for “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” and “White Christmas.”  Yes it takes more than putting “Christmas” in the title to make a movie a yuletide hit but it doesn’t hurt.

There are some dark horses out there that you’d not guess from title or plot would ever become holiday favorites but ask anybody who’s personal collection contains a copy of “We’re No Angels” that it’s often the answer to the trivia question, ‘name a Christmas movie starring Humphrey Bogart.’  It also doubles as the answer to the question, ‘name a comedy starring Humphrey Bogart.’  (Didn’t know there was one, of either, did you?)

Comedies and Christmas are a natural combination.  Why not?  Both make you feel good.  “Home Alone” (one or two, we never were real sure about 3) combines tickles and tinsel and still throws in a couple ‘feels so good you want to cry’ moments.  From “Miracle on 34th Street” to “The Santa Clause” comedies have been proving that there really is a Santa, even going to court when necessary.

Christmas and music is almost a requirement.  We finally get to hear Schroeder play his miniature grand in “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and it is grand.  Ok, technically that’s not a movie but it is 25 minutes of sheer holiday joy.   Even movies not about Christmas but set around the Christmas holiday a la “Die Hard” 1 and 2 can’t resist putting a Christmas song somewhere in the mix. 

What about Christmas and the Muppets.  Either one can make any child, and almost any adult squeal delightfully.  Christmas is ahead, there being a little over 2,000 of them but the Muppets are close with over a dozen movies and specials starring Jim Henson’s puppets.  A true classic among them is “Emmett Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas,” Henson’s adaptation of Russell Hoban’s twist on there’s a reason that everything happens as it does.   

And don’t forget about families at Christmas.  “Christmas Vacation,” “Christmas with the Kranks,” “Home Alone,” “A Christmas Story,” and about 4,000 others all have family at the center of the story.  But there might be only one that takes a brother’s unique approach to the holiday and that’s “Fred Claus.”   Without Fred, Santa might not be with us today.  Talk about brotherly love!

Just because we mention certain movies please don’t confuse these with any sort of ‘best of’ list.  Although we put some of these movies near the tops of our respective lists, even we can’t agree on the best of the best of the Christmas classics.  And that’s probably the best thing about holiday movies.  Every time you watch one it might become your favorite for those couple of hours.  Isn’t that really the magic of Christmas?  Every year you see that same ornament in a different light and suddenly it becomes a gem you’re so glad you took out again.  Every year you see those same lights across the street but this year there something special in the way it glistens against the wall.  Every year we try to be our best this time of year even though we know we’re no angels but we’re not Scrooge either.

So what’s your favorite?  Feel free to change your mind tomorrow.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?