Tag Money

Weddings Held Hostage

Michael Leave a comment

A few weeks ago we read in the local paper a feature article on the growing trend of couples so to be married not registering at the local silversmith shop but on line where guests and regretters can chose to fund pieces of their honeymoon.  Although this trend has been trending for a while, we are somewhat uncertain as to how we feel about it.  There was a time not too long ago when a couple who didn’t want gifts included “No Gifts Please” on their invitations.  A few guests felt then, and a few probably still feel now, that bringing a gift was their obligation and brought one anyway.  Virtually everyone else who attended would instead bring a card stuffed with money, gift cards, or trade secrets.  Apparently cash isn’t considered a gift by giver or receiver.

But today, no gifts means “we’re on a budget and if we want to make those reservations at Emeril’s we need to know if we’re going to be able to afford it.  Since we know we can’t on our own, we’re looking for someone to pony up the bucks for if for us so we can book our table now.”

As we perused deeper into that article we read of a couple that was opting for the honeymoon registry because they will be doing a destination wedding and couldn’t afford both trips.  It was here that we stopped and decided we didn’t like either idea.

The destination wedding has been around for generations.  It used to be called elopement.  Two people wanted to be married with little pomp given whatever their circumstance and fled the hometown, returning a weekend later ready to have people over to ooh and aah at the rings.  Now, either due to remarkable greed or extraordinary selfishness, couples are deciding that just because they’ve always wanted to get married on the beach, or the mountaintop, or the canopy of a rain forest, they don’t want to give up 200 of their closest friends and the accompanying gifts.  So they just move the wedding elsewhere and hope the most prosperous follow and the rest send checks with their regrets.

We love celebrating friends’ life changes.  Only a nw baby can be a bigger change than a new marriage.  And as such we hate to ever have to consider sending regrets.  But if two people were to tell us that in order to celebrate with them we have to give up our vacation time and savings to go where we hadn’t planned, we’d be quite regretful.  If those same people then said, “While you’re figuring out how to come up with the time and money to get to our wedding, go take a look at our website and see what parts of our honeymoon you’d like to finance,” we’d say, “Ummm, really sorry.”

Our gift is given to provide pleasure to the receiver and to make them think of the special connection between us, not to make them think of how many more pledges they need for the snorkel package.  Destination weddings and honeymoon registries?  It might be a little old fashioned but we’re beginning to think that if a couple doesn’t want to get married at home among friends and family and doesn’t want gifts at the reception afterwards, maybe they should consider eloping.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Apology Accepted

Michael Leave a comment

It’s the first of the month and for us that means cell phone payment time.  In the past we’ve been known to complain about the lack of customer service we almost always get from banks, insurance companies, the cable company, and assorted utilities. Well we’ve discovered one service that we find quite customer-friendly.

Both of We have the same cell phone carrier.  We’re not ones to drop names but someone will ask and we’re quite happy with it so why not share.  Our service is the one that comedians seem to relish poking fun at for their customer service and we don’t understand why because we’ve received stellar service from ours.  Ours is Sprint.

Both of us arrived at Sprint separately, after horrendous customer service disasters at the hands of our previous carriers, the two biggest and fastest and bestest carriers of them all.   At least that’s what they say.  They don’t say that they are the worst customer oriented companies in the phone service marketplace.  So bad are those two, or perhaps just so big are those two, that when Each of We told our former carrier that we were leaving them, we were actually told to go right ahead and leave.

So why do we think Sprint is so good.  Both of We have had issues that required warranty service or contract questions and all of those issues were handled quite conscientiously and quite handily by human beings.  One minor point is that we did once tried to pay a bill to a human being and the idea of money seemed a little confusing to her so we stopped doing that.  What we do is pay on line, at a kiosk in the store, or most often by phone.  That’s not surprising.  Probably close to 99% of all phone users do the same.  What we notice every month when we pay is that we get a happy recorded voice who guides us through their menu of do you want to pay your bill, this is how much you owe and do you want to pay that amount, and finally do you want to use the same payment method as last time?  That’s all.  No enter your 12 digit account number, your 10 digit phone number, your 5 digit ZIP Code.  No user names.  No passwords.  Just 3 questions, a couple of quick pushes on the number 1, and then the pleasant voice says, “Your payment has been accepted.  Please be aware that it may take up to 15 minutes to be recorded throughout our system.”  Other companies say that it will take up to 3, 7, or even 10 business days to credit your account so please write down this very long confirmation number and plan on someone calling you later to ask for more money.

Anybody who has ever checked out his or her bank account on line minutes after making a phone or computer payment knows that within those same minutes that payment has already been syphoned out of the bank.  Why aren’t all of those payments just as immediately posted as paid at the company that is doing the syphoning?  Yet the one company that almost immediately posts the payment apologizes because it’s not as immediate as they would like it.  Maybe that’s something the other companies can figure out how to do just as fast while they are figuring out who’s the fastest of them all.

Can you hear us now?

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Move Along Please

Michael Leave a comment

We’re starting to notice something in the stores that we’re patronizing.  There are crazy people out there.  Allow us to explain.

Just a few days ago we were in a grocery store.   Not one of the mega marts that has everything from fresh dragon fruit to Lint Lizards.  This was a much smaller version that had everything from soup to nuts as long as you didn’t mind the canned variety of either.  It’s not unusual in either version’s produce section for people to shake, sniff, thump, or rattle the offerings in search of the freshest of the fresh, or in mid-March to find the least out of season depending on the origin of the well-travelled fruit or vegetable.  And at the meat display one will check out the marbling of the well fatted full grown steer.

On our trip to that store on that day we were in search of ground beef.  Not much you can tell from ground beef that isn’t on the label – its pre-grinding primal cut, fat content, weight, price, and the date ground, hopefully matching the date to be purchased.  Yet there in front of the entire display of ground beef, shopping cart angled to extend across the complete linear footage was a lady carefully examining each package of ground beef.  Well, perhaps not each package but several of them, and each of them quite carefully, looking them over as if to determine that the fat content printed on the label wasn’t what her eyes were able to discern.  We wanted to say “Move along lady, it’s all from the same cow and whatever you’re making isn’t going to be that fabulous or you’d be up at the other end where the cows are a little more put together. “  But we didn’t and eventually she found one that had the color, size, shape, or fat content of her liking and we snagged ours.

It was on that same trip that He of We decided it was time to spend a couple of dollars on our retirement plan, also known as the Power Ball.  So he stopped at the window where some young man was robotically entering the numbers of the daily number players into the state lottery computer and exchanging “Sure Thing” dollars for “Can’t Miss” numbers.  The line moved quickly, most of the hopefuls hanging their hopes on the quick pick versions of their numbers du jour.  And then there was just one in front of He of We.  And that one began with “Gimme Big Four, 1-2-3-4, fifty cents straight, 40 times,” and the young man punch the number in once, hit the quantity for 40 and we waited while the machine printed out 40 identical tickets.  “Anything else?”  “Yeah, gimme the Daily, 1-2-3, a buck straight, 40 times.”  Again we waited for the little machine to gasp out 40 more identical tickets.  “Anything else?”  And this was when He of We said “No, you’ve reached your limit.  Are you trying to make certain that if you should in your wildest fantasy actually hit both of those numbers that by spreading out your 60 dollar wager the IRS won’t figure out you’ve won around $20,000 because you did it 50 cents at a time!?  Now, move along please.”  Well, actually He of We just thought that and breathed a sigh of relief when the big spender asked for one more pick but more conventionally taking just the one wager and then passed a handful of bills to the still robotic young man.

Yet another shopping outing of ours put us into the main aisle of a national chain of stores that claims to provide items for the bedroom, bathroom, and other rooms beyond those two.  It seems odd that almost half of the store is dedicated to kitchen items and that kitchen isn’t in the store’s name but then we didn’t name that store so what do we know?  In that main aisle we stopped to peruse one of the several clearance shelves.  It is quite thoughtful that the store tags its clearance items with the reason for the item being on clearance.  ‘Last one,’ ‘demo,’ ‘returned,’ ‘only 1 of a pair.’  All very helpful.  But one of their reasons was “broken.”  It was there that we noticed that many of the items on the shelf were tagged with that very reason.  A clock was broken.  A storage box was broken.  A lamp was broken.  It would seem that if an item is broken, that to sell it means the store doesn’t place much value on its customers’ intelligence.  It’s almost as it they are saying, “If you make it cheap enough, people will buy anything.”  And from the picked over look that the clearance section had, it seemed that many people had at least semi-seriously considered many of those items before deciding to move along, with or without encouragement.

So we’ve noticed that not only are the customers getting a little batty but so are the shopkeepers.  Actually we don’t mind a little insanity in the shopping place.  It makes for some lively dinner conversation and provides us with a bit of caution to not be too batty out there ourselves.  But then, as long as you don’t dally and keep moving along, not many will notice.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

A sucker and his money are soon strangers

Michael Leave a comment

P. T. Barnum said “There’s a sucker born every minute.” W. C. Fields said “It is morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money,” then went on to say “Never give a sucker an even break.” Well, we seem to be two of them even though born about 400,000 minutes apart, who willingly handed over our hard-earned money, and couldn’t have gotten a break even if we tried. We’ll be happy to explain.

You’ll recall we recently took a mini-vacation to Niagara Falls, the ones on the New York side of the river. It was there, in the Niagara Falls State Park, inside the conveniently located NFSP Visitors’ Center, that the State of New York recognized us and another 10 or 12 visitors as the suckers we so clearly must be. After visiting their facilities and sharing a $4.00 soft drink we decided to view the IMAX film, Niagara Legends of Adventure at the Niagara Adventure Theater. Thanks to all the Niagara myths and legends and spirits, and that it was winter, we got to take advantage of the low, low, half-off the regular admission winter rates. If we had to pay the full price to see a re-enactment of the legendary Seneca wedding featuring a runaway bride, a runway barrel with a runaway teacher and cat contained therein, a runaway steam boat chugging downstream, and a runaway family afternoon in the park ending with the runaway Seneca bride hanging out under the falls while all around her fall over the falls, we’d have felt dumb. (There’s more to the story than that –well, actually, no, there isn’t.) And once the 30-some minute show was over we got to exit. And so we did, directly into the visitor center gift shop. And it was there than we did what any self-respecting visitors do. We bought overpriced souvenirs and marveled at the deals we were getting.

Except for the extremely hokey and overpriced movie, the visitor center was what we’ve come to expect from the average tourist attraction. The truth is, including the extremely hokey and overpriced movie, the visitor center was what we’ve come to expect from the average tourist attraction. And we ask, why?

This isn’t the first hokey movie we’ve seen on vacation. (See “We’re On Vacation, Part 3.” In fact, see all three parts of “We’re on Vacation” under the Travel tab.) And it’s not the first time we’ve been unceremoniously dumped into the gift shop after a hokey movie. But it was the first time that we stopped ourselves from grabbing at the gaudy-colored, poorly screened t-shirt that proclaims to the world that we are living proof that P. T. Barnum was right. Who decided that every vacation must end with a purchase of the vacation spot emblazoned across a t-shirt. They are like the designer bag for the vacation set and say, “I have arrived,” or “I have been taken.”  Other souvenirs are at least useful.  Shot glasses and coffee cups can hold coffee and shots, bumper stickers and decals can be pasted to car bumpers or other places, magnets can be stuck on refrigerators. Hoodies keep out the chill. Sleep shirts keep in the warmth. Plates commemorate. Thimbles decorate. Post cards enunciate. But T-shirts? Twenty-nine dollar t-shirts?  They just get dusty in drawers until they get to become dust rags.

So we got to see a magnificent natural sight. And then got taken in a typical man-made fright. It’s all in a vacation. By the way, did you know you can get commemorative mittens? Now that’s practical.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

The Happiest Place in the World

Michael 5 Comments

With our most sincere apologies to Walt Disney, the Disney parks together or separately are not the happiest place on — well, they have it copyrighted so you might think it’s so or else how could they, but we really don’t think so.

We have been thinking about happy places and where the happiest place in the world is.  We asked some friends and relatives, and some who are both where their happiest places might be.  We got beaches, favorite vacation spots, fabulous restaurants, designer shops, and even not yet invented places.  All good choices and all somebodies’ happy places.  But not universal.  One man’s beach may be another’s sun burn spot.  The jeweler who boasts the happiest place two days before Valentine’s Day may be someplace entirely different the weekend after.  A designer bag coup for one could be a mark of arrogance to another.  And while life-size Snow Whites and Gastons may be awe inspiring to certain youngsters, others may cower at the sight at a six foot tall mouse or a Pooh who is big enough to hold the young one cradled in his arms at night.

Happy places all perhaps.  But happy places to all?  Not on your life.

You must suspect by now that we have someplace particular in mind.   We do.  No, it’s not one of our vacation spots nor a favorite getaway location.  It has almost nothing to do with fabulous purchases that may be the envy of most who we will meet in a morning elevator ride to the office.  It’s not a specific spot in nature nor a non-specific spot where they do unnaturally good things to some favorite foods.  Nope, it’s none of those.  Where in the world could it possibly be?  It’s the dollar store!

Yes, the dollar store must be the happiest place in the world.  Not one of the imitation dollar stores that are dollar stores only because they have the world “dollar” in their store name.  Copyrighted or otherwise.  We mean the real dollar stores, the ones where everything’s a dollar, every item, every day, every trip.  Where 5 dollars buys five items (tax extra).  Where there are no express lines because no one can buy twelve items or less in a trip around those aisles.  Where there are things that haven’t been seen on retail shelves since – well, since the last dollar store stocked up.

How did we come to this conclusion?  We were recently in need of a couple of gift bags.  All things being equal, all gift bags are equal.  After years of unscientific research we have come to the conclusion that the $1.00 gift bags found in the dollar store are the same color, construction, volume, and with the same rope handles as the $6.99 national card store gift bags.  So to the dollar store we went, armed with the color and style of the bags we wanted and a twenty dollar bill for all the other stuff we’d find there. 

We pulled up in front of our local dollar store, just a spot or two away from the door.  As we were undoing our seat belts and planning our shopping strategy, we noticed several shoppers coming out of the store.  Not a single one was empty-handed.  Not a single child was being warned to wait until they got home.  Not a single shopper was not broad faced smiling, content in the knowledge that bargains had been had that evening.  Bargains indeed, and every one of the a dollar.

Once inside the magic continued.  There was not one screaming child.  Why should there be?  If a child wants a carrot colored and shaped baseball bat there is one hanging prominently on the wall.  Give it to the kid.  After all, it’s only a dollar.  There was not one couples complaint.  If he wants a 16 ounce tumbler and she wants the red wine goblet, get them both.  A set of 4 each will still return you change from your 10 dollar bill.  Can’t decide between the St. Patrick’s Day shamrock head band and the Easter Bunny ears for the family pooch?  Don’t decide, get ’em both.  And don’t fret that the doggie usually makes dinner out of one or the other.  They’re only a dollar!

We tell you now, the proof is in.  The happiest place in the world isn’t inhabited by six foot tall mice.  The happiest place in the world is your local dollar store! (Does anybody have change for a fifty?  There are some limits to happiness.)   

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

The Price of Popcorn

Michael Leave a comment

“I’ll see your two small popcorns and raise you a medium soft drink.”

“You’re bluffing.  There’s your medium drink and I’ll raise you a soft pretzel.  With honey mustard.”

Over the past several years we’ve done remarkably well seeing all of the Academy Award nominees.  Not necessarily in the same year they are nominated, but eventually.  And we’ve done remarkably well seeing entertaining movies also.  They aren’t always the same you know.  But every so often there comes a critically acclaimed movie that ends up walking away with all the awards that we also like.  Those are the two- popcorns-two-drinks movies. And then there are those that everybody says we have to see so we do.  Usually they end up walking away with all the awards and frankly, we wouldn’t even waste the price of a box of Milk-Duds on all of them put together.

Sometimes the movies are the big hits.  And sometimes they are the big flops.  But hit or miss, we still go to see them.  And when we’re there we never go in without our popcorn.  We invite you to join us as we place value on today’s film offerings based on concession stand items.

It makes sense.  You can see a movie any day of the week, any time of the day and the price varies.  The movie doesn’t.  The winners are winners on Tuesday afternoon just as much as they are on Friday night. If it’s a dog, it barks every time it’s played.  First run, second run, it’s still either running away with it all or just running away.  Just because we have to pay $4.00 more after 4:00 it doesn’t get 40% better.  Nope, there is no correlation between the admission for a movie and how good is that movie.  So when some smarmy film critic says, “It wasn’t worth the price of admission” what admission are we to assume?

Yet with all the variances in how much a theater will charge to get you into the seat, they know their gold standard is what is so prominently displayed well before you make your way to those seats.  The concessions!  Popcorn is popcorn and it’s $10.00 for a medium one of them any show, any day, any time.  Not long ago we were at an afternoon showing of one of this year’s best picture nominees.  It was a matinee so we got in for the low, low price of $14.00 for the both of us.  Two small popcorns and drinks later, He of We had dug out another $20.00.  We were almost outraged that the snacks cost more than the main dish.  But a few weeks earlier we were at the evening showing of a movie that we enjoyed but will never have “Oscar Winner” on its DVD cover.  Admission for two?  $24.00.  Popcorn and pop for both?  $20.00.  Here we have our measure of comparison!  Not admission. 

We paid more for what was put out as fluff, marketed as fluff, and played as fluff than we did to see the award winning performance in a movie everyone has talked about since it was released months ago.  Had we watched those two movies on the opposite days and times that we did, would we have instead gotten what we paid for?  It’s too hard to tell.  Every mathematician will tell you that solving simultaneous equations went out with the IBM 200.  One variable.  Period.  And that variable is the movie.  For sure.

So here is our gold standard for clear movie worth.  If after you see the movie you first thought is, that wasn’t worth the price of the popcorn, you won’t be watching it when it comes out on your cable company’s Movies On Demand list.  Not even the free one.  On the other hand, if your initial reaction is “that was worth more than the biggest, saltiest, butteriest popcorn, I’ve ever had,” and you wish you had even more, you’ll be back next week for an encore. 

It only makes sense. The price of admission goes up, goes down, goes half-off, and gets the Entertainment Book coupon special all to put seats in those seats.  And it’s all to get you in the door. Once you’re through those doors they bring out the big gun. The ultimate money-maker. The true measure of entertainment success. Snack food!

That’s because sometimes the movie is the attraction, and sometimes it’s there just to accompany the popcorn.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Strike Three

Michael Leave a comment

Twinkie, Twinkie, little cake
No longer now will you bake.
The salaries were much too high.
The union said pay up or die.
Twinkie, Twinkie, little cake
How much did they think they’d make.

Unfortunately there are over 18,000 workers with nowhere to go on the next regularly scheduled business day and who knows how many investors (you remember investors, they are the ones who actually put up the money) have no next regularly scheduled business.

Nobody wins win you have to strike for money.  You can strike to prevent workers from entering dangerous conditions.  Back when mine workers had to send in birds then wait to see if they died from methane gas exposure there were dangerous conditions one should strike against.  Back when seamstresses were locked in textile mills and not permitted to leave until an arbitrary but always high number of garments were finished regardless of a workers physical condition there were dangerous conditions.  When delivery personnel had to handle unbroken horses pulling unarmored wagons across often violent territory, there were dangerous conditions.

Because a worker wants more money is not a reason to strike.  Everybody wants more money.  Even the President of the United States wants more money but he doesn’t go on strike, he gets another job.  For him it was part time author while he wasn’t busy dong presidential things.  If the bakers at Hostess wanted more money, they could have worked harder.  Instead, they were sold a bill of goods by a union (whose officers and employees still have jobs to go to) that if they paid their union dues the union would get them more money.  We don’t recall ever seeing a news article that a union has offered to reduce their dues for workers who have been asked to work for less than what the union demands.  

As a matter of economics, and recognizing that owners are just as greedy as workers, those who lose the most during union negotiations are, well, everybody.  Take this example.  Let’s say that it takes $100 to build a chair. The chair company has 10 workers and each builds 10 chairs a year.  The workers each get $50 a chair and the company spends $5,000 on salaries.  They also pay $3,000 on health insurance.  Electricity costs $1,000 and the wood, glue, and nails cost $1,000.  That’s $10,000 for that company to build those chairs this year.  The owner who puts up all the money sells each chair for $125.   And he makes $2,500 a year if he sells all 100 chairs.  In year 2, the chair makers go to the owner and ask for 10% more this year raising their salary from $50 per chair to $55 or $550 per worker or $5,500 in total salaries.  The owner asks how many more chairs the workers will make.  No more chairs, just the same 10.  So at the end of the year 2, if the owner sells all 100 chairs he will lose $500 from his previous salary.  Instead of risking that, he’s going to raise his chair prices to $130 to make up the $500 difference.  Across the street at the table factory the workers are demanding more money this year.  Why?  Because the cost of living is going up.  Have you seen how much chairs cost nowadays?

It’s a very simple example but it’s the core problem with unions.  Every time someone gets more, somebody else needs more just to keep up.  All for money.

Someday somebody will buy the trademark and rights to the Twinkie name and the world will be happy again.  Except for those workers who will now want more money because the price of milk just went up.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

(For more of our thoughts on unions, See Union Made, June 18, 2012 in Humor.  Yep, in Humor.)

 

 

Wordsmithing

Michael Leave a comment

On the eve of the Presidential election, as Americans ponder the future of the country, while candidates’ supporters prepare to campaign right at the voting places, and as poll workers prepare voting machines, we were wondering, can people be victimized by a hurricane?

It started during a television news program that detailed the current conditions of the victims of Hurricane Sandy.  Isn’t a victim more one who is the receiver of a planned, illicit or improper action?  People are victims of crime.  People are victims of corrupt investment schemes.  Natural disasters might grow from specific conditions but they aren’t planned.  They may be dangerous but they aren’t corrupt.  They are inopportune but aren’t improper.  We got to thinking that the “victims” of Hurricane Sandy aren’t victims but are casualties.  The media may want to use victim to personify the physical, mental, emotional, and financial injuries of those whose paths were crossed by the storm.  The injuries are personal.  Making the cause of them so doesn’t make them more or less severe.  Calling those whose lives have been disrupted by Sandy victims minimizes what they truly are, casualties. 

On the eve of the Presidential election, She of We starts a new job.  She had been at her old one for over a decade and was a key player for her now former employer.  She often received offers from others and one finally came that was harder to refuse than not.  The stages of employee loss are not unlike the stages of grief.  You disbelieve, you question, you bargain, you express anger, you accept.  Her boss went straight to angry and hung out there, giving up anger only when he exhibited selfishness.  “You’re disrupting my life,” he told her upon hearing the news.  Having your house underwater, on fire, in small pieces after an explosion, or just not there is a disruption of life.

On the eve of the Presidential election, instead of sportscasters pondering whether the ultimate winner of the New York City Marathon could have been caught in the last quarter mile they are instead reduced to discussing football games that were and hockey games that weren’t.  That’s because after days of interminable announcements about how good it would be for the city to hold the marathon as scheduled, somebody spoke sense to the mayor to give up the selfish view that nothing is going to stop the famed run and declare it inappropriate to hold while others in New York City have no home to go to after running their own personal marathons.

On the eve of the Presidential election, people are still calling into talk shows and posting comments on line in response to Conan O’Brien’s remarks that “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” is too mean for today’s children.  Today’s children can’t handle the cruel reality of life that while some children will grow up to be famous television personalities, some will get rocks in their treat bags of life.  It’s inappropriate that Lucy is allowed to say the things she says to Charlie Brown but it’s not too mean for television news to show over a hundred houses burn to the ground where children once lived.  The cruel reality is that television networks see the potential for huge ratings and awards of excellence for their stark presentation of a natural disaster.

On the eve of the Presidential election, millions of dollars are still being spent on television, radio, electronic, print, and direct mail advertising.  Candidates selfishly tell us lies about their opponents and themselves while being inappropriately excluded from the prohibition against automated phone sales.  It’s mean that they would rather continue to spend the money on telling us how much we will be victimized by their opponents instead of spending it on reducing the real suffering from the cruelty of life that Sandy wrought.  Just think each time you see or hear a political ad today about how much good could have been done had that money been donated to the millions whose lives have been disrupted. 

We don’t want to be mean about it.  We’re just saying is that what you really meant to say?

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

 

Buddy, can you spare 500k?

Michael Leave a comment

About a week ago one person hit the PowerBall for $240 million dollars.  Imagine, almost a quarter of a billion dollars to a single winner.  What would you do if that person was you?

But first, since this is Reality, let’s really think about this.  Do you take it all or break it up over a 26 year annuity?  Let’s be mature and do the annuity.  That means we’re actually going to get $923,000 a year.  Well, no you don’t.  The IRS will get about $342,000.  States vary in income tax and what they can and can’t get at.  Ours would take about $14,000.  So you would get about $567,000.  Not a bad salary.  In fact, we think we’ll take.  And here’s what we’d do.

That will probably be our only salary.  Unlike almost everybody who ever hit the lottery for big money, we would not make a pretense out of liking our job so much that we can’t live without it and will continue to work just because it’s the right thing.  We don’t, we can, it isn’t.  And we certainly wouldn’t.  We will try to live comfortably on a half million dollars a year.  After the first year. 

The first year we’d take about 10% of it and blow it on ourselves.  Clothes, vacations, cars, something we’d do if we hit for say, $50,000.  Not enough to live on but enough to have fun with.  The other 90% would go to paying off our mortgages, credit cards, personal loans, and the accountant who’s going to figure out how to get the best return on whatever is left. Then we can move on to Year 2 through 26.

We’d still take 10% of it and completely blow it.  We’d take whatever our accountant says and invest it.  And we’d continue to pay him.  We figure we’d still have a couple million left.  Travel, new houses, one big new house, art.  So many choices.  We’ve always talked about an adult version of Make a Wish.  We aren’t at all insensitive to children with terminal illnesses but why not also treat adults who have worked hard all their lives?  It’s hard to put kids through college, help them open their own businesses, contribute to the churches and charities, keep cars that should have long ago been relegated to the bargain lot going to one more dance recital.  We think these people get to make a wish, too.

Our town has a group of ten well to do people who put up $100 every month to award a $1,000 microgrant to the best local applicant.  They’ve awarded grants to artists for public exhibition, entrepreneurs for incubators, and start-up businesses for that last bit of capital the SBA wants to see.  People can do remarkable things with a $1000.  We can do that a thousand times over.  But let’s stick with 10.

We were very taken with last Christmas’s emergence of Layaway Angels.  (See The Angels Have Landed, Dec. 20, 2011 from Life.)  Maybe we’d help too.  We’ve always made room in our budgets for Angel Trees, Salvation Army kettles, the local, modern versions of the soup kitchens and food banks.  Somehow Christmas makes almost everybody a little more generous and these remarkable volunteer efforts manage to make the less well off enjoy their holidays also.   With our half million dollar salary we would find a way to help out during the other 11 months too.

Finally we pick the most needy of our now former co-workers and get them a really big gift card to a really good psychiatrist.  Without us at the office playing Sigmund Free (See Star Polisher Jan. 5, 2012 and Fire Them All Nov. 17, 2011) who will ever listen to them?

So there you have it.  Some selfish, some altruistic, some business, some fun.  And while we’re at it, can we get that vacuum cleaner that runs itself?

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Union Made

Michael 1 Comment

The news is such a great source of comedic anecdotes.  Here’s one we couldn’t resist.  The adjunct faculty of a local college has asked for a mail ballot to determine if they should be represented by a union.  An adjunct faculty member is one who is not on a tenure track and is usually part time.  He or she often applies to a college to instruct in a specific class based on his or her life experience rather than based on his or her academic research that tests the tenets of the material.  These are the teachers that have other “real jobs” on the outside.

This particular college is a Catholic institution and petitioned the National Labor Relations Board for an exemption to the regulation that allows faculty to organize.  The union says the faculty needs them “to improve job security, pay levels and working conditions” and that the college’s attempt to block them from organizing is “legally and ethically offensive.” 

Oh yes, we can see the arguments from both sides.  Certainly someone has to look out for the faculty.  Teaching one, or possibly two classes a week, in air conditioned discomfort, having to share offices with other part time faculty members while still getting free sporting event tickets, free parking, free lunch.  Yes, those are terrible working conditions.  And of course the college has to look out for itself.  Its average tuition brings them a mere $10,000 a year for each student.  Not much revenue at all. 

Indeed, both sides need specialized representation.  We’re certain that the college has an attorney well versed in arguing exemptions for private institutions.  You’d not want to go before a federal agency with an attorney who specializes in copyright infringement to argue labor issues.  And the teachers will have their experts when the union presents its argument that the professors of higher education deserve to have their interests looked after by . . . the United Steelworkers of America?

Yes, the USW wants “to improve job security, pay levels and working conditions” for these college teachers.  After all, they have a lot of experience making certain that no teacher is forced to work more than 40 hours a week wielding a cutting torch while smoothing the cut end of seamless steel pipe or that any teacher is coerced into accepting a lower paid laborer position in the sheet mill when there are open inspector positions in the wire mill. 

Come on guys, the real story here is that the steelworkers union is losing membership.  All those steelworkers who lost their jobs in the 80’s but have still been paying their dues because the union was working hard to get them their jobs back have either retired from their mall security guard jobs or have moved on to the great blast furnace in the sky.  The union’s revenue stream is drying up and their office employees are at risk of having to find gainful employment while actually doing something for their 40 hours every week.

Maybe if the USW wants to find new members they should look at the workers who are employed by labor union offices.  They should be able to find unfair labor practices there.  Nepotism, favoritism, and a few other -isms are probably common place in a business that’s basically all executive, and no laborers.  But they better be careful.  If they win the election to represent themselves the only benefit they might end up providing is the right to pay dues.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?