Tag Meanings

Trust Me

Michael Leave a comment

Tonight, across America, viewers will be avoiding the season’s most unrequested multi-station premier of the new situation comedy, the U.S. Presidential Election Debate. Like all good comedies the magic starts with the scripts. Since this show was written primarily in Politispeak, the RRSB is thrilled to present to you this Politispeak-English dictionary. You may find it also handy for everyday use particularly if your day involves interactions with bosses, workers, children, parents, friends, siblings, enemies, or aliens (legal, illegal, or extraterrestrial).

 

We begin with some key phrases.

Connect the dots – I have no idea how these things go together but I’m pretty sure they are right, good, or otherwise suitable to whomever I am speaking so let’s go for broke and put all our eggs in one basket.

Hard work pays off -or- It takes hard work to get the job done – You do the work, I take the credit and/or reward, preferably monetary.

I approve this message – Although there is little if any truth in this message, my legal team tells me that there is little to nothing that anyone can prove is at all to completely untruthful.

I got your back – You really are gullible.

In all honesty – I have no idea what I’m talking about

No offense intended – You suck

People are our most important asset – People who agree with me are sort of tolerable; people who disagree with me are scum.

Together we can make a difference – I need your vote/approval to accomplish my personal goal. If you happen to get anything out of it, isn’t that a happy accident?

Trust me – Yeah, right.

What you think matters or Your opinion is important to me – You’re kidding me, right?

With all respect -Boy, you really suck!

With great power comes great responsibility – with great power come large book deals and obscenely high speaking fees.

 

In addition to key phrases, professional misleaders also rely on certain words to confuse, confound, or bewilder the listener.

Actually – “I haven’t given it any thought.” When a speaker uses “Actually” as in “this is actually what writers of the Constitution intended,” they are really saying “My advisers/handlers/trainers told me that this would be a good place to interject something thought provoking but I haven’t given it any thought myself.”  Everyday users probably recognize this as a common phrase uttered by spouses, partners, or persons otherwise of interest to yourself as in “That’s actually a good idea.”

But – Everything before the “But” is bullshit. Examples include, “You are the most wonderful person I have ever met, but I think it’s best if we never see each other again.”

Honestly – In its most basic meaning, everything after “Honestly” is bullshit as in “Honestly, I value your opinion.” Occasionally “But” and “Honestly” will be used together to create a compound incredulity. Thus, “I have the greatest respect for you but honestly I feel we need to explore this idea a little deeper” translates to “You suck and your idea does too.”

Really – When used to indicate degree of something positive as “I had a really good time,” the speaker means the opposite. To imply a good time was had, the correct phrase would be, “I had a good time.” Likewise, in Politispeak, “Really” interjected into an otherwise positive phrase such as, “I am really the best option,” means, “I question my own press releases.” Note that “Really” interjected in negative phrases can be successfully removed from the phrase without changing its meaning. “You really suck,” generally translates to “You suck.”

Seriously – When used as an adjective it means the opposite of what is being modified. For example, “This is a seriously important issue,” means “This has no bearing on life as we know it.” You may be more familiar with “this is seriously good coffee,” meaning “this coffee tastes like brown toilet water.” When used as an introduction, “Seriously“, connotes a desire for the listener to consider the speaker as a personal friend of the listener as, “Seriously, you can count on me.”

 

There you have it – the official, first ever Politispeak-English Dictionary. This is seriously the most fun I’ve had writing a post. I have researched this topic thoroughly but I’m sure there are some words or phrases I have left out. In all honesty, I value your opinion, so if you think of any really fabulous examples, add them in the comments section.  Actually I know our hard work will pay off and people will soon be able to completely understand what others are saying. Honestly, I look forward to continuing this discussion. Together we can make a difference. Trust me.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

The Meaning of Life – No, I’m Not Kidding!

Michael Leave a comment

Some day I have to figure out how my mind works. Not my brain. I have that figure out. Seven years of school better have taught me something. No, what I can’t figure out is how my mind works. That unfathomable piece of consciousness that works on its own stream and might or might not let us in.

Monday I woke up with a sore back. Check that. I woke up with a back that hurt like all the gods on Olympus and in the Coliseum (or wherever the Roman gods lived) were mad at it. I called my doctor; he worked me into his schedule, poked, prodded, and ordered some x-rays and gave me some muscle relaxers. Monday night I took some muscle relaxers and Tuesday woke up and did my normal morning stuff, sore but not in outright pain. Tuesday night I took more muscle relaxers and Wednesday woke up even less sore and certain I wasted my doctor’s time on Monday. Wednesday afternoon he called and told me I have three compression fractures in my spine. All of a sudden I can’t sit still I’m in such pain.

Normally I walk with a cane. I’m not too weak to walk but if I don’t use some support I wobble. In fact, without it I look for all the world like I’ve had one bourbon too many. (Yes, I used to also believe that was a contradiction in terms but you really can have one too many. Try not to spread it around.) Every morning I walk a couple of miles and if it’s not raining I go to the pool for an hour or so. To get to my pool I go out the door, through the breezeway, across the courtyard and up a flight of stairs. Since the stairs have a railing and to get to them is a short walk I usually leave my cane behind. Yesterday, before I found out that my back is living on borrowed time, on the way in from the pool I detoured down the front walk to the mailbox. The mailman was just dropping off the day’s haul but he hung around long enough to comment that it looked a little early to be “hitting it” (aka “the bottle”). I immediately felt bad to be out in public like that. It was only after he was pulling away for the next mailbox that I realized how little I had to be feeling foolish of.

Why do we put so much stock into what others say? Nothing changed in my back between Tuesday and Wednesday other than the doctor confirming what other doctors had already told me several years ago. I hadn’t removed the cap from the Marker’s Mark for a couple of weeks when I fortified the glaze for a steak I put on the grill. Yet I was willing to change how I felt, indeed how I was, based on what others – one supposedly learned and one supposedly a federal employee – had to say. (How many people work for the federal government? About half of them.) (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

Quite some time ago I found this, printed it, framed, it and took it to heart. Since then I’ve Lifechanged. I got an incurable condition. I got cancer. I beat cancer. I still have an incurable condition. Through it all I see this every morning. I have to. It’s on the wall above my toilet tank. It’s a great place for a bit of inspiration. At first I misinterpreted it to mean that if we want to live life to its fullest we have to physically beat the odds. We have to literally skid in sideways. Not so! As long as we don’t give in we won’t give up. I sort of like that expression. Maybe I’ll hang that on the wall too.

As long as you don’t give in, you won’t give up.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
“Woo hoo, what a ride!”