And now for some good news…

We interrupt today’s wailing and gnashing of teeth to bring you some good news.  Naturally there is a lead in.
 
I was sitting around on Saturday thinking of all the places I’d most not want to be. This is unusual because for the most part I think of the places I’d most want to be. Usually it involves water, sand, palm trees, a boat, and female companionship. Specific female companionship if you must be that nosey (or nebby as we would say here). But last Saturday the thought was of the least desirable place, even with the right companionship. Not surprisingly, the place I’d least like to have been on Saturday would be a dialysis clinic.
 
Let’s think about that for a minute, then we will move on to the news. My county as many other cities, counties, states, and countries, now has a shelter in place order. The rule is pretty simple, don’t go out unless staying in endangers your life. And don’t go anywhere if you are experiencing symptoms. For the everyday ordinary dialysis patient (or more appropriately the every other day ordinary dialysis patient) it’s a no brainer that staying in is more hazardous than going to the clinic. And the everyday ordinary dialysis clinic staffer needs no fewer brain cells to also conclude that staying home endangers lives. But it’s the second part that is difficult to reconcile. No matter how you might be feeling, that trip is one of life sustainability. You can’t get somebody to pick it up for you while they are at the store.
 
I was in a good place to think the last place I’d want to be is at a dialysis clinic, the extreme dedication of the staff and their love of their mission to serve a population defining the area between a rock and a hard place notwithstanding. I was in a good place because I was in my own livingroom recliner rather than the one I spent so many Saturdays in at the clinic. 
 
Yes, no dialysis. Okay, if you’ve been following along with me over the years you have a right to be confused. The last thing I wrote about my kidney health was that the transplant last summer did not take and I was back on dialysis. By the way, after still more scans and tests they are no closer at determining why the transplanted kidney clotted so rapidly and completely. But what they had noticed last fall was that my renal function lab tests were stabilizing. Then new questions arose. Everybody’s tests go up and down as function fluctuates, particularly in a patient like me whose renal dysfunction is induced by factors elsewhere in the body. But these were not fluctuating. They were improving. Steadily. 
 
Adjustments in treatment were made, ultimately pared down to only 2 three hour treatments per week, fully half of what a weekly treatment total had been not too long ago. Weeks went by and weekly labs continued to return surprisingly encouraging results. On January 23 I left the nephrologist’s office a free man, well perhaps more a dialysis parolee ordered weekly outpatient lab test and every other week appointments with a call-in on the off weeks. Last week after nearly two month of that routine I was given a appointment three months in the future. I had stabilized! At least for the near future. At that point I thought comfortable enough to tell somebody other than my daughter and sisters and you guys get elected.
 
There is no good reason that kidney function should improve. It’s not unheard of but it is rarer than correctly picking all five numbers plus the white ball. I’m crediting my reprieve to Someone Up There showing a particular kindness to me and expending a miracle on that.
 
I feel particularly grateful, the break coming at a time when going to dialysis could be just as life threatening as life preserving, and pray that the patients and staff at clinics around the world will be safe and free of all complications, even those not COVID-19 related. 
 
And I know now I have to figure out why me and what I am to do with this unexpected opportunity. Sitting around thinking of the places I’d rather not be is not it. I’ll keep you posted.
 
Now go wash your hands!
 
Happy

Don’t worry, be happy!

Orange is the New Gold

Sunday November 3 was the coldest Sunday since spring had sprung some 7 months earlier. And what was I getting ready for at 6:30 that morning? I was going for a walk, a Kidney Walk at of all places, the Pittsburgh Zoo.
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This particular Sunday stroll was in support of the National Kidney Foundation, and organization in support of kidney disease education, treatment, and support. Like so many other disease focused organizations, money raised by the NKF goes to research for treatment and to find a cure for kidney disease. But it also provides direct assistance to those suffering the disease right now by assisting patients, families, and caregivers through resources including health checks and screenings, drug discount programs, and peer support made possible by fundraising activities.
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Since I had begun chronic dialysis 3 years ago I recieved helped from the National Kidney Foundation but was never able to show my support for the organization. For the first time since my diagnosis my entire immediate family was able to register for the walk. The Kidney Walk does not carry an “entrance fee” nor a “suggested donation.” Your entry fee is your willingness to show support. Your donation is what you want to give or can raise from friends and family to support your personal cause. This year 2300 Pittsburgh walkers raised over $255,000 for those causes and I’m happy to report that my family was responsible for one of those thousands. Walkers included kidney transplant recipients, kidney donors, dialysis patients, care providers, and those many friends and family members on foot, in wheelchairs and strollers, with the help of canes and walkers, and even physically carried by others.
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Unlike many others walking I was diagnosed without any of the classic risk factors or warning signs. The major risk factors for kidney disease are high blood pressure and diabetes; family history and obesity are also major contributors to that risk. Some of the common early warning signs include nausea and vomiting, irregular heartbeats, pain in the lower back, and shortness of breath. I had and still have none of those. My kidney disease is caused by complications from an autoimmune disease and was revealed through routine lab studies at regular checkups. Like many walkers I doubted I would ever find myself relying on dialysis for life or undergoing a kidney transplant. And most unfortunately like many other walkers I found myself both of those. Most fortunately though, my disease was discovered and I was able to join in the walk.
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Orange was the color of the day at the zoo. Although kidney disease awareness is typically represented by a green ribbon, the National Kidney Foundation has adopted orange and black as the organization colors. Orange shirts, hoodies, caps, backpacks, and even baby strollers marched on a three mile trek among the animals at the Pittsburgh Zoo to bring awareness to chronic kidney disease, a disease that affects nearly 40 million American adults with another 200,000 diagnosed each year.  Over 800,000 of those patient are in end stage renal failure requiring dialysis or a kidney transplant.
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To us it doesn’t matter what color was worn. The money raised is the gold at the end of the rainbow. 
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We Tried

I wish I had a happier update to pass along but last Thursday we lost the kidney. We knew we were entering unfriendly waters, weren’t certain it was going to take and had the best team we could want, but the transplant was not meant to be. They all aren’t. Even something with a 97% chance of happening flawlessly has a 3% shot of not working at all. I suppose you could say the long shot came in. I can tell you what happened but people are still working on the why to go with it.

On the first implant, the donor kidney almost immediately picked up color indicating blood was flowing through it. By the following morning blood flow could not be detected and an ultrasound indicated a possible clot in the artery leading to new to me kidney. The decision was made to go back inside me, remove the kidney, clean things up, then return it. This is where we were at the most recent post.

For the next two days, various imaging tests indicated blood flow to be good, marginal, or inadequate – not consistently nor in that order any given time returning any of those results. But laboratory tests indicated an improved renal function. It raised questions. It can happen, in fact it’s not unusual that flow and function decrease or diverge in the first week after transplant. After a week though, results continued to show too much discrepancy between lab function and imaging. After much consultation and while considering risks versus benefits it was decided the only conclusive answer would be achieved by actually exploring the area and physically examining the kidney.

It was found that blood was flowing into the kidney but not through the kidney. The small veins inside the kidney were again clotted, turning the kidney into an anatomical water balloon. The danger of rupture resulting in peritonitis was too great and the kidney had to be removed.

Now that kidney is being examined by pathologists to try to determine the cause. Was there a defect in the kidney making it prone to clot, is there an undiscovered defect in my blood making it prone to clot, or was there a combination of immeasurable or unknown factors resulting in the clots.

The disappointment is huge but the potential is great. If there is something organically “wrong” with that kidney these events might have happened to it while it still resided in my sister potentially rupturing in her and causing her all sorts of untold problems. If there is a defect in my blood it could be that a potential life threatening condition might now be identified and treated. If there is a defect caused by the combination of my blood and her kidney it could that mean future donor and transplant candidates may undergo even more rigorous screening for compatibility.

Some consequences are more immediate. I continue to be hospitalized while I recover from these three operations. As an impatient I’ve received dialysis and my response here will aid in determining if upon discharge I return to dialysis at my pre-surgical order and schedule. My sister will continue her post-operative tests and appointments. I may not have been a successful recipient of her kidney but she was a quite successful donor and will now forever bear the scar of her sacrifice.

So the journey does not yet end. We’ve merely come to the inevitable fork in the road. It might be too early to tell which path to take or it might mean neither path is best but a whole new trail must be blazed. Something good will come from this. It might not be the result that we wanted but “good” and “want” are not guaranteed to overlap. Stay tuned.


Transplant Journey Posts

First Steps (Feb. 15, 2018)
The Next Step (March 15, 2018)
The Journey Continues (April 16, 2018)
More Steps (May 31, 2018)
Step 4: The List (July 12, 2018)
Step 1 Again…The Donor Perspective (Sept 6, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Oct. 18, 2018)
Caution: Rough Road Ahead (Nov. 19, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Jan. 24, 2019)
A Worldbeater of a Story (March 14, 2019)
Spare Part (May 22, 2019)

Close But No Cigar -Yet (June 2, 2019)

Other Related Posts

Walk This Way…or That (March 9, 2017)
Looking Good (May 18, 2017)
Technical Resistance (May 25, 2017)
Those Who Should Know Better (July 24, 2017)
Cramming for Finals (May 3, 2018)
Make Mine Rare. Or Not (Feb. 28, 2019)
Parts is Parts (May 6, 2019)

Close But No Cigar – Yet

If things went according to plan this should be Day 5 for me as an official kidney transplant recipient. Actually I don’t know if that’s an official designation. I don’t believe it comes with a membership card or even a secret handshake although it is an ever growing cohort.

I started with that “If things went according to plan” because we have somewhat deviated from that plan. Sometimes things are going to go as well as a textbook procedure, maybe with a minor glitch creating a minor challenge that makes a learning opportunity for everyone. Then there are the things that happen to me.

Sometime last Wednesday a kidney was removed from my donor angel, walked into the operating room next door to that activity, and placed into my body. It was a moment unlike any other. Literally. The organ was a sewn into place, arteries and veins connected, clamps opened, “dirty” blood flowed in and “clean” blood flowed out one way to be recirculation while waste flowed out as urine to its ultimate elimination. It was working! And it continued to work for about 18 hours. Then the reason consent forms came to be came to be realized.

Without getting into the many reasons that could have caused it to happen, partly because specialists are still trying to determine all of the reasons that might have caused it to happen, the blood stopped flowing. I immediately was prepared to return to the operating room where the kidney was removed, arteries and vessels cleaned of some newly formed blood clots, the kidney bathed in an anticoagulant solution, new ties and connections again attached the new kidney to my old body, and then the cleaning process reestablished although at a less than optimal rate.

The kidney was saved, the kidney was working, but to exactly what degree and for how long is still yet to be determined.

As I am writing this samples of my blood are being sent off for examination into why it is clotting at a rate the would not allow the process to be without the corresponding infusion of anticoagulants. Perhaps in another week I can share the reason or reasons and some resolution for it. Until then I can tell you the good things that have happened.

The earth angel who parted with one of her kidneys for me is well and at home already establishing a new normal that remarkably resembles her old normal and doing it much faster than expected, waiting anxiously and praying devoutly for me to to do likewise. Her former kidney is doing its job well enough that I for the first time in almost 3 years lived through a full week without once being attached to a dialysis machine! And we made the right choice of transplant centers where I have never seen such coordination of care and research happening to see that her kidney successfully transitions to being my kidney in its new forever home.

I am walking and eating and generally being a pest to the doctors asking for more freedom of motion, less dietary restrictions, and answers, please more answers. In general, if asked how I am feeling I am clearly feeling better and stronger than a week ago. But I also know I am not yet out of the woods or out of the the weeds or wherever one gets out of when things are not working at their tip-top-pi-est.

I also feel closer to the donor than I have for not just a week but for almost 57 years. That was how long ago the girl who shared her kidney with me was brought home by my parents and introduced to me as my new little sister. Like most siblings particularly a middle and a youngest, we spent many childhood years fighting for attention. Now we are fighting together and discovering even after all these years, new reasons to get our way. Only now finally a common way! Someday soon we will have our answers and we will get our way. How can I let her down?


Transplant Journey Posts

First Steps (Feb. 15, 2018)
The Next Step (March 15, 2018)
The Journey Continues (April 16, 2018)
More Steps (May 31, 2018)
Step 4: The List (July 12, 2018)
Step 1 Again…The Donor Perspective (Sept 6, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Oct. 18, 2018)
Caution: Rough Road Ahead (Nov. 19, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Jan. 24, 2019)
A Worldbeater of a Story (March 14, 2019)
Spare Part (May 22, 2019)

Other Related Posts

Walk This Way…or That (March 9, 2017)
Looking Good (May 18, 2017)
Technical Resistance (May 25, 2017)
Those Who Should Know Better (July 24, 2017)
Cramming for Finals (May 3, 2018)
Make Mine Rare. Or Not (Feb. 28, 2019)
Parts is Parts (May 6, 2019)

Spare Parts

I’ve been terribly inconsistent posting but I have a very good reason for that. I’ve been making room for a new kidney!

In the last kidney update from a couple weeks ago I said I was starting the annual testing to remain on the transplant list. Just as I was starting those we got word that we had a live donor match! In fact we had two!!

Since you’ve come along this far on the journey, please join me for this step.

From some posts on a support group page I took it that multiple matches although not common are neither rare. I suppose there could be two absolutely identical donor candidates. More common is the possibility of multiple “perfect marches” with cadaver donors. That would be because with a cadaverous donation only the organ is considered. With live donors, although multiple kidneys might match they are attached to people still using them and their lives rarely perfectly match. Considerations for age, family obligations, location, post-op support, and probabilities of future health issues not uncovered in the donor evaluation must be made. If there still is no decision then they have decide how they will decide. I suppose in the extreme, say if the potential donors are identical twins, they may go as far as a flip of a coin or rock paper scissors. Our donors aren’t twins and they were able to make a determination without resorting to playground games. They got together, made their decision, and notified the hospital.

That decided, pre-op testing began. For the recipient this is the same as the annual testing with some additional lab studies. For the donor, pre-op tests include only a chest x-ray, EKG, a complete metabolic panel lab study, and a complete blood count (CBC). All these can be done within a 30 day window leading up to surgery except for a “last minute” final blood and tissue typing. Last minute would be within 10 days or so of the tentative transplant date.

At this point that date indeed is still tentative. All these tests and studies will be reviewed again by the transplant team. Only after an affirmative from that review is the date finalized. Even then the surgery can be “unscheduled” by any member of the team, the recipient, or the donor.

The surgeries themselves aren’t difficult procedures considering the lifesaving result. The donor operation begins up to an hour before the recipient. In our transplant center this a robotic procedure controlled by two transplant surgeons in attendance. Long before this the decision was made which kidney will be removed. After its removal the renal arteries and veins are shunted to the remaining kidney, the unused ureter is tied off, and the donor goes to recovery.

KidneyWhile the donor’s surgeons are finishing their procedure the recipient’s receiving location is prepared by a second surgical team. The recipient surgery is performed through an open incision and two attending transplant surgeons, in my case one of them also a urological surgeon, will operate. Unless there is a medically necessary reason, the recipient’s native kidneys are not removed. The donated kidney will be placed in an abdominal lower quadrant, usually the right although in my case because of previous surgeries and that space already occupied, it will be placed in the left lower quadrant. The renal vessels and ureter from the native kidneys are transpositioned and the recipient is closed up and sent off to recover.

Typically the donor remains in the hospital 1 to 3 days, often ambulatory the same day of surgery. The recipient’s stay is usually 3 to 6 days, hopefully walking and building up an appetite on post-op day 1. When they go home there are lots of other things that have to happen for both to live healthy, full lives. After all, that is the point of that.

When we get to that point I’ll be sure to keep you up to date in just as excruciating detail as you have become used to. After all, that’s the point of this.

Oh, when will all that be? Well… our presumptive surgery date is next week! I’ll have my last pre-transplant dialysis on Tuesday then eat ravenously because I am ordered nothing by mouth after midnight, every surgery’s first order.

Then, if all goes well I’ll get a new, slightly used spare part. Stay tuned!

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Transplant Journey Posts

First Steps (Feb. 15, 2018)
The Next Step (March 15, 2018)
The Journey Continues (April 16, 2018)
More Steps (May 31, 2018)
Step 4: The List (July 12, 2018)
Step 1 Again…The Donor Perspective (Sept 6, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Oct. 18, 2018)
Caution: Rough Road Ahead (Nov. 19, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Jan. 24, 2019)
A Worldbeater of a Story (March 14, 2019)

Other Related Posts

Walk This Way…or That (March 9, 2017)
Looking Good (May 18, 2017)
Technical Resistance (May 25, 2017)
Those Who Should Know Better (July 24, 2017)
Cramming for Finals (May 3, 2018)
Make Mine Rare. Or Not (Feb. 28, 2019)
Parts is Parts (May 6, 2019)

 

 

A Worldbeater of a Story

Because it is World Kidney Day, and only because it’s World Kidney Day, I’m going to talk about kidneys and then I’ll give you a few weeks without having to hear about my internal organs.

WKD

Since our last kidney transplant report I have lost one potential donor to high blood pressure. That leaves one who has now completed the evaluation and one with one test remaining and then of course the final review. That might bring up a couple questions for you. If it doesn’t, don’t worry, I’ll ask them. Does it seem to be taking a really long time and is it unusual to have a donor disqualified after such a long time into the process?

Honestly it is taking a bit longer than the average for these people to get through the evaluation process although not really by too much. I suppose if all the stars lined up and there was no waiting for appointments and if you had the most flexible schedule in the world and could be accommodating to the scheduling whims of a dozen different hospital departments you could breeze through the process in a couple months. But if you’re thinking the process is

…Step 1 hold sign up at hockey game looking for kidney,
…Step 2 sort through the 99,000 volunteers and pick the one with the best looking teeth,
…Step 3 meet in pre-op the following morning and plan to share a pitcher of beer later that day,

ummmm, no.

Under the best of circumstances it takes weeks and weeks because the process is a few more than 3 steps. And potential donors can be eliminated at any step, including the last.

The process pretty much follows the decreasing chance of elimination. That is, the step that would rule out most people as a donor is first, the second most common disqualifier then next, and so on.

A medical and family history is the first step along with a discussion of what is required for the evaluation, surgery, and recovery for a potential donor. At the same time, lab studies are drawn. Blood and tissue type compatibility is a must. If the donor candidate does not match the transplant candidate there are no further steps. In the spirit of the upcoming baseball season that means one strike and you’re out. There are no further reviews and no reconsiderations. If lab tests note suggestions of compromised renal function, unbalanced electrolytes, or heretofore unknown conditions such as diabetes, a committee will review the results and determine if the donor candidate can continue, be referred for treatment then reevaluated, or referred for treatment but disqualified.

Next are the cardiac and pulmonary functions. Will the donor’s heart and lungs get through the surgery and will they be strong enough to continue serving the donor well with the support of one remaining kidney? These steps include chest x-ray, EKG, stress test, and 24 hour blood pressure monitoring. At this point an abnormal return in one exam might require additional testing while the donor continues, additional testing while the donor holds, or disqualification. For example a slightly elevated blood pressure could require a second 24 hour test but the donor can proceed. A severely elevated blood pressure would hold the donor and refer him or her for new, modified, or additional treatment. A 24 hour blood pressure that remains within normal limits only with the use of more than one antihypertensive drug disqualifies the donor. In my particular set of donors there is one who was allowed to proceed pending a repeat 24 hour study ordered and then held and referred to cardiology for further review.

Next are renal function tests. You might think that if a person is considering donating a kidney the renal function tests would come sooner. People who know they have a renal impairment know not to begin the process. Nine out of 10 people with renal disease do not know it so why would this not be the first system reviewed?  Many of these people know they have a family history or it will be suggested by the earlier lab studies so they may not ever reach this step. A donor who does not initially pass the renal function tests will be reviewed by the transplant committee. Here they will be held until a determination is made that the test will be repeated, the results were expected because of other physical characteristics of the candidate, or the donor is disqualified. In my set of donor candidates, one was held for a repeat evaluation then further reviewed and determined to be allowed to proceed.

Then comes the psychological review. Usually. In some cases when a donor candidate has a history that includes psychological, emotional, or mental medical concerns with or without medication management, the psychological review may come after the initial history and lab studies. Most often it is held here when the potential donor is only two steps from being or not being further referred to as a candidate. In its simplest term, this is when it gets real. A candidate will either move on or withdraw.

To this point each step contains multiple tests any of which can hold or disqualify a candidate. After each test the transplant committee reviews the results and determines the next step: proceed, proceed but reschedule and repeat, hold and repeat, hold and review, or withdraw.

The penultimate step is an abdominal CT Scan. This step is the last physical exam for the donor candidate. This step explores the candidate’s kidneys and their physical appearance and position and is used to confirm the kidneys are normal in size and shape, which is the preferred kidney for harvest, and that all surrounding organs and tissue appear normal and regular. Here a donor will be approved for final review, held for further study due to an inconclusive finding regarding either or both kidneys, held and referred to appropriate specialist for inclusive finding regarding surrounding organs, or disqualified. Among my donor candidate pool, one was referred to a specialist when a nearby organ appeared other than normal.

At the final step the donor’s results and findings are reviewed by the transplant committee who will recommend the candidate to donor status or recommend withdrawal. In the case of multiple donor candidates specific for a single transplant candidate, a recommendation of one or more with consideration to potential acceptance and viability of the donated organ may be made.

HeartAndKidneySo now that it took you so long to read about the process you may better understand why it is taking so long to complete the process. Each of my donor candidates was stopped at some point in the evaluation. One proceeded all the way to the CT Scan when a shadow was noted on a neighboring organ. The transplant committee interrupted the process and referred her to a specialist who in turn determined the shadow was not clinically significant and recommended her to continue which the transplant committed approved. One was held at the renal function test when the IV mediated glomerular filtration rate returned a slightly elevated result. The committee referred the result to one of its own nephrologists who recalculated the result and determined due to her physical structure it was within normal limits for her height, weight, and age and recommended to continue. One potential donor returned elevated 24 hour blood pressure results. She was allowed to move on to the renal function tests but had to reschedule a repeat 24 hour blood pressure monitor. The second 24 hour blood pressure results also returned elevated and she was referred to her cardiologist. Pending his review and finding, even though by this time she had passed the renal function tests, she was held from further candidate progress. Ultimately her blood pressure could be maintained within the standards expected for a kidney donor only with the use of two medications thus she was removed from the candidate pool.

So now with one candidate at final review and one awaiting an upcoming CT Scan, you might be reading one of the last installments in my search for a kidney. And if that’s the case it means you might soon get to start on a new journey, one of a new transplant recipient.

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Transplant Journey Posts

First Steps (Feb. 15, 2018)
The Next Step (March 15, 2018)
The Journey Continues (April 16, 2018)
More Steps (May 31, 2018)
Step 4: The List (July 12, 2018)
Step 1 Again…The Donor Perspective (Sept 6, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Oct. 18, 2018)
Caution: Rough Road Ahead (Nov. 19, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Jan. 24, 2019)

Other Related Posts

Walk This Way…or That (March 9, 2017)
Looking Good (May 18, 2017)
Technical Resistance (May 25, 2017)
Those Who Should Know Better (July 24, 2017)
Cramming for Finals (May 3, 2018)
Make Mine Rare. Or Not (Feb. 28. 2019)

First Steps

I did something last week I have never ever done in my life that may well change my life. Yes, even this old life. And even though it put things into play that will someday move very quickly, these first steps are going to plod along. I’m going to take you on this journey with me mostly because I don’t want to go and I think those here in my immediate world might need some help keeping me moving along.

Warning, this post actually has some personal information about me that I’ve never shared before. It is not recommended for the squeamish. (Or for those who might have developed any kind of respect for me especially when I reveal what a fraidy-cat I am.)

Last week my nephrologist put in referral paperwork for me to be evaluated for a kidney transplant. And I am terrified.

I’ve worked my entire adult life in health care, mostly in hospitals. I am the most rational human being when somebody asks me for an opinion, a clarification, or some information. But when it comes to me, I’m the biggest wimp in Fraidytown. I hate doctors and nurses and hospitals and medicine and machines whenever I am the focus of their attention. The only good people I see from a hospital bed are the ones who bring me food. Everybody else is an unwelcome visitor. 《Shudder!!!》Now I’m going to have to go through examinations and tests and (arrgghhhh!!!) needles to see if I get to be cut open and have more of my insides swapped out or get sent back to live a life of dialysis with its sharp objects and scary machines.

I hate dialysis. Let me see if I convey how I really feel about dialysis. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate dialysis. And if one more person tells me “but it’s just a few hours a week” I will stab them with the needles that are thrust into me at each session.

Unlike other long term invasive procedures where an access port might be implanted under the skin to accept the needle used (say for chemotherapy), in dialysis the preferred method of access is your own vein. A surgeon cuts into your arm and brings the vessel from deep within the arm to immediately underneath the skin. Yes it is weird seeing your vein basically sitting on top of your arm and feeling it pulse with your, well, your pulse. Into this vein a dialysis nurse or technician inserts two needles about the diameter of a ball point pen, connects those to a pair of plastic tubes, and attaches those to a machine about the size, and with similar function, of a gasoline pump.

For the next three and a half hours I get to watch my blood zip around the room while it is rid of the crud we ask our kidneys to shed that mine decided to stop shedding. Add in the before and after procedures and repeat a few times a week and that’s why I hate dialysis.

But I also hate surgeries. Let me see if I can convey how much I hate surgeries. You get the idea. I won’t put you through that again. For the first 55 years of my life I had never been in a hospital as a patient. Never a broken bone, never a needed stitch, never even a false alarm brought me close to wearing a hospital gown. Then in less than four years I spent 18 months with my back end uncovered and endured four surgeries, only one of which I didn’t almost die during or shortly after. (True stuff there.) In the last couple years I’ve been back for numerous outpatient procedures and one additional full blown surgery (not death defying (whew!)). Familiarity doesn’t really breed contempt but it sure breeds a hell of a lot of fear.

Every surgery I’ve had has been complicated by a condition I live with that makes decisions for me every day. Seventeen years ago I was diagnosed with Wegener’s Granulomatosis, now known as Granulomatosis with Polyangiitis. We’re not allowed to use the W-word anymore because he was a Nazi. GPA is a rare type of vasculitis that affects less than 3 out of 100,000 people and is fatal without treatment. There is no cure but with various medications the inflammation can be abated. So we have a fatal, rare disease, without a cure, and after years of research somebody figured out the doctor who discovered it was on the wrong side in a war and shouldn’t be “honored” by having a rare, fatal disease, still without a cure, named after him.

GPA primarily affects two major organs, the lungs and (drum roll please) the kidneys. Yes, my kidney disease is not a result of the trauma of the surgeries or the cancer or hard living. It is from the Wegen– oops, from GPA. So in addition to the rest of the pending evaluation, I have to somehow demostrate that my chronic condition will not adversely affect a new (actually a used) kidney. I do that by taking my medicine and having regularly seduced blood work to measure the inflammation markers in my blood. More needles!

So, to make a long story short (I know … too late), I am about to embark on a process that will determine whether I undergo major surgery followed by a lifetime of drugs and tests, or continue with dialysis and a lifetime of big thick needles and multiple times a week treatments and general life interruptus.

And I want you to come along! Now don’t you just feel special?