Death, Safety, Money

June 29, 2020Michael 2 Comments

O. M. G. I am soooooooo ashamed of being an American!

There really can’t be places in the world so bad that people actually want to come here. This has nothing to do with racism, statues, flags, guns, veganism, atheism, or people taking 15 items through the 12 item or less checkout lane. It’s that all of a sudden we are deciding the fate of the populace based on the twenty-first century version of Rock, Paper, Scissors. I call it Death, Safety, Money.

You all know about Rock, Paper, Scissors? It is the ultimate decision maker for matters of extreme importance like when best friends can’t decide between Jimmie getting the neat, new catchers mitt or Johnny buying a hot fudge sundae with the quarter they found on the walk home from school. Under those circumstances it is marginally appropriate and usually works out pretty well. Most often by the time children reach the age required to drive in South Dakota (go on, look it up, I’ll wait) they have replaced RPS with more reasonable decision making processes. Although … there was that time when Takashi Hashiyama couldn’t decide between Christie’s or Sotheby’s to handle an multi-million dollar art auction and had reps from each auction house compete against each other thusly for the right. But I digress.

In general, when it comes to major life and death decision, Rock, Paper, Scissors is not the way to go. And yet, we’ve turned what was a pretty decent plan with a mostly adequate execution for survival in the COVID years over to the pre-teens and their flying fingers to decide our next step against the virus with a game of Death, Safety, Money. To review, in RPS Scissors cut Paper, Paper covers Rock, Rock crushes Scissors. In Death, Safety, Money (DSM) Money covers Safety, Safety beats Death, Death crushes Money.

Here’s how DSM has replaced GOFCoM (Good Old Fashion Common Sense) and not for the better. Not at the very beginning of the Corona Crises (Death) but early enough to make a difference, the US finally followed the lead of other civilized nations and imposed quarantine like limitations on activity (Safety). This protected many millions of people but a few resisted with complaints, threats, and mockery claiming the cure is worse than the disease and we’ll all soon regret it. Safety prevailed and in what was becoming a nominal norm the curve appeared to be flattening. Perhaps it was time to provide a little freedom to the people, Death was seemingly being beaten down well by Safety and as a reward restrictions were loosened. Pouncing on the opportunity that here was a chance to live life again as Fat Cat Americans rather than in hermit like seclusion, business and sports and recreation areas threw open their doors to re-welcome the hoards with their pockets bulging from all the cash saved during their time of pseudo-isolation (Money).

But was it too much too soon in too many places too often? A new curve is rising. Not to worry though. We’ve been through this before, we know that Safety beats Death, we can implement distancing and semi-isolation again and live to spend another day. But having had a taste of the good life the livers want to continue living their outside lives and the providers of the distractions aren’t going gently into another good night. Money is covering Safety across the land.

Throw and throw, seemingly ending in virtual ties after weeks of playing DSM Money and Safety are thrown with equal vigor, but is equal enough or is it just one hand away from Death being thrown crushing Money leaving only a few people trying to keep it contained under the shrinking cover of Safety.

I don’t like this game. Can’t we please go back to GOFCoM instead?

Alive and Kicking

June 15, 2020Michael 2 Comments

I’ve missed some of my “regular “posting days but not to worry, I’m still alive and kicking. You may recall I’m in the midst of preparing for a move and that has taken me to places filled with cardboard boxes and bubble wrap and tape that sticks to everything except cardboard boxes. But I am quite alive and desperately kicking. I haven’t always been here to write and occassionally I don’t even get to read as much as I’d like, but… well, as I said I’m still alive and kicking. Now just in case you might have missed some of the news, I took some time over the weekend to catch up on it and I’ve found I am not the only thing you might have mistaken as being out of your lives but in reality is still A and K.

Also very much alive is:

Working from home. I don’t know what the conditions are around you but around me quarantine orders are relaxing. Retail businesses are opening and some restaurants have either reopened their doors to half capacity crowds or have co-opted outdoor space, or both, to satisfy the eating out crowd at acceptably social distances. This has “resurrected” an early casualty of the virus, traffic. But office based businesses are still mostly still home based and you can tell by the way the group dog walks happen every day at 8:30, 12:30 and 4:30.

Spam calls: What looked to be another early virus casualty, unsolicited sales calls and robocalls have proved to be rich in COVID antibodies and are thriving once again. More likely the robo-coders got established in their home offices and the rest is weird history.

Greed: If you think really hard you might remember those early fund raisers, donations, food distributions, and loan/living expense forgiveness programs that were once all the headlines. It took less than a fiscal quarter for the layoffs, contract renegotiations, and bankruptcies to re-capture the headlines.

Hatred: I’ll leave this to your nightly news.

Stupid memes: In typical American fashion we can’t let a crisis go by without demonstrating that we can overdo everything. Robert Orben, a professional comedy writer known for his work in early telelvision including the Jack Parr and Red Skelton shows and author of The Speakers Handbook of Humor, said:

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee – or laugh.

Unfortunately it’s the amateur comedy writers who feel they know just the right clip to exploit to keep is laughing through the crisis. They don’t.

That virus thing: Again, I don’t know what the conditions are around you but around me I’m expecting all heck to break loose in another week or two. Record positive results and hospitalizations have been recorded in Texas, Florida, California, and both Carolinas, where quarantines were lifted, beaches opened, and social distancing ignored. I know it is politically incorrect to say but you can’t not expect there to be some virulent response to the amassed masses no matter how righteous the cause. The virus doesn’t care.

Yep, all of the above are alive and kicking. In fact, the only thing that seems to be in short supply is some love for a fellow human. How about it, can you spare a cup of love?

Gettin’ Crabby Out There

May 14, 2020May 13, 2020Michael 4 Comments

You may have noticed I didn’t post anything on Monday. Then again you might have a life and aren’t sitting there with nothing better to do than wait for my wisdom to fall out of the ether. Well, on Monday after I had gone back and forth on this post for a couple days I decided at the last minute I wasn’t going to post. I told myself that in a couple days I’d come up with some fluff in my life to exploit and that would be fine. Then the threat came and I had to have my say. Well, there’s nobody here to hear so if I am to be heard I have to get these words from here to there so you can hear them.

I don’t want to be the sad sack, the sourpuss, the moaner and groaner, but gee golly willickers, can we at least not resort to violence. Oh yes, actual threats of violence have been made. Homicide even. Read on.

With the full knowledge that I sound like a moaner or a groaner myself I just have to say, I knew this would happen. I mentioned last week Pennsylvania will be loosening isolation standards in phases by counties. There are roughly 12.8 million people living in Pennsylvania spread over 67 counties. As a broad statement, there are 134 versions on how the reopening plan will be implemented with about 12.8 million opinions on how to do it better.

In general the state is establishing 3 levels of what I guess can be described as activity. “Red” is where we started with a stay at home order in place except for transport to and from the three Fs of essential business: food, pharmacy, and physician. (Yeah, yeah, I know, but you get the idea. Hey, it works on audio!) Restaurants are open only for takeout and delivery. “Yellow” removes the stay at home but if you go out maintain social distance and wear your masks, stores may open but curbside pickup and delivery is preferred, and no public gatherings greater than 25 people. Restaurants and bars are still restricted to take out and delivery and hair and nail salons, and gyms and spas remain closed. “Green” means you can now travel about and conduct business within CDC guidelines although there is still some question about large, large gatherings.

The first phase shifted 24 counties to “yellow” on May 8. Another 13 counties turn “yellow” on May 15 and no counties go to “green” just yet. It is anticipated that there will be no further status changes before June 4. If you’ve been home schooling your kids in math the little tykes will have figured out that leaves 30 counties at “red.” Oh, and one of those “red” counties is actually surrounded by a bunch of “yellows.”

Because this system was developed by a government there are, as governments love to do, pages of specifics with a lot of whereas and wherefore sounding clauses but what I gave you is pretty much the down and dirty. And boy did people get pretty much down and very dirty.

In the “red” counties the biggest news stories have headlines that read like “District Attorney Will Not Prosecute Businesses That Open.” Comments to stories and posts on social media are filled with “statistics” about why somebody’s county left behind has lower infection or death rates than those moving ahead and should be declared “yellow” soonest. The talk on social media is of I’ll just cross the county and/or state line and get what I need there prompting yet additional outrage by business owners over the ingratitude of their “neighbors.” Lawyers are preparing class action suits against the Governor and Secretary of Health demanding full, unconditional reopening.

In the “yellow” and soon to be “yellow” counties, after 6 weeks of hearing on the news and reading in the papers how much we need to reopen the businesses and get people back to work, the media is now reporting that business owners aren’t ready to reopen their doors. Owners are saying it will take weeks to get ready to accept customers and are asking what guarantees they will have that if somebody gets sick in their stores they won’t be held liable. Restaurants, bar, gyms, and spas are preparing plans to present to the governor demonstrating how they can function while maintaining social distancing and should be allowed to reopen. Hair salons are posting they are opening for business regardless of operating guidelines.

It seems there are more plans for defying the plan than there are plans to implement the plan. Not to be undone by the potential mutineers, the Governor has threatened revocation of business and professional licenses of those opening or conducting business contrary to orders to remain closed.

Then came the threat. This story was picked up by the Associated Press and reprinted in papers and on news sites throughout the country so you may have already seen it, but here, as first reported in the York Dispatch (12 May 2020) is the lead:

State police arrested a Greensburg-area man Tuesday for allegedly saying he and his buddies “have a bullet waiting” for Gov. Tom Wolf if the governor doesn’t reopen businesses closed for the COVID-19 pandemic.

Subsequent updates confirmed the accused who had made the threat by telephone to Wolf Home Products, a kitchen and bath cabinet manufacturer once owned by the Governor, was identified by tracking the phone he called from and located via a records search at the county probation office.

So our intrepid would be assassin would have been wise to spend some time during his period of isolation learning constitutional law, the state penal code, common courtesy, or at least not to use his own phone when making threats by phone. (Let that be a lesson to you future would be assassins.) I suppose that being an at least one-time loser, evidenced by the fact that he is known at the probation office, he is doing what he can to maintain a consistent Neanderthalian persona.

Now I ask you, do you want to come out of isolation with a felony charge hanging over your head? Don’t be a Neanderthal! Be a neighbor instead. Maybe bake cookies to celebrate and eat them all yourself because you’re still a little unsure. Then when you do get to sit down with friends and neighbors you’ll have a funny story you can tell instead of reading transcripts from your bail hearing.

And don’t stop washing your hands.

I’m Board

May 7, 2020May 6, 2020Michael 2 Comments

Long before the pandemic hit my corner of the world I was already spending more time indoors alone than probably healthy, exploring few opportunities that would take me to other places that a grocery store, or a pharmacy, lab, a doctors office or other medical facility, or outside for a solo walk. It’s like I was made for this crisis. But I will say that even I am getting a little bored. I’m sure I wouldn’t be so bored if I could only get a little board! You know I haven’t worked for quite a few years now. I had settled into the routine of, if not a refined retired gentleman at least one not quite as bad as a crotchety old fogie. That’s because I kept my brain young. Yes, I am using past tense. I believe I’m slipping.

Even though the forays to the outside world were not often and typically instigated by one if the aforementioned reasons, I almost always made some detour on the way home. Perhaps I would stop at one of the big time mega-marts and wander the aisles getting some exercise and often some deals from the clearance shelves. Maybe I would find a local diner and compare its grillmaster’s patty melt to the last visited diner’s offering. Maybe I’d browse a thrift shop because they are just fun to walk around in and I’ve found a remarkable selection of candy dishes in them over the years. Even if I was feeling adventurous today, and lucky enough to venture out where others may be, those places aren’t open anyway.

When extended outdoor time wasn’t desired or desirable like in times of freezing weather (which we seem to have 9 months out of the year) I would amuse myself baking oatmeal cookies or concocting a new marinade for something on the grill. Now though I’m limiting my flour to bead and pizza dough and experimentation time (not to mention counter space) has given way to knead, rise, knead, rise, rise again, bake, slice, eat repeat.

Then there is that portion of the day I called down time. That would be the time I’d spend watching an old movie, reading a book, or going through the whole of a newspaper following stories missed during the morning headline review, laughing at the funnies and doing the crossword puzzle. The papers have all stopped publishing hard copies, the library and bookstores are closed and I can read only so much electronic prose, and even I am getting tired of old movies (except for anything with Audrey Hepburn). (Nobody can ever tire of Audrey Hepburn.) (Nobody!)

Add to those losses the loss of Sundays with the Daughter. (Yes, yes, of course this should be at the top of the and indeed it is but I had to keep it for last one mentioned to build dramatic effect. If you don’t like it, go wrote your own post – sheesh!) (But don’t leave yet. We’re finally getting to the point of this post.) Sometimes after we cooked for a couple hours then ate for a couple hours we’d pull out a game board and play for a couple hours. But not just any old game. Our game was, and will be again, Backgammon.

If you’re a chess player there are apps and live sites and virtual games around very corner. I know first hand that there are indeed crossword puzzle apps that you can play all day long and not be interrupted by a single ad. For free! Word games abound, arcade games are electronic naturals, even “jigsaw” puzzles can be assembled without interruption on line or in apps. But backgammon…

Indeed there are some backgammon apps but every one I ever tried forces you into watching ads to earn tokens to build moves with. And there are a few backgammon live sites where you can play against AI or a distant opponent. These are few and the opponents are fewer. (And I think the AI cheats. Nobody can throw that many doubles.) Besides, backgammon needs to be experienced in more than two dimensions and with more than just sight. You have to hear the dice rolling in the cup before bouncing across the felt, you need to feel the smoothness of the tiles as you slide them along the points, you have to see you opponent slump when you bump her or him to the rail or bear off your last stone. The Mesopotamians weren’t thinking computer when they drew the first points and carved the first stones 3,000 years before Jesus walked the Earth. Backgammon is to be experienced, not pixelated.

But this isolation won’t last forever. Until then I’ll still take my set out each Sunday. Now I just polish it. Eventually I’ll get to play it.

Embrace The Middle

May 4, 2020Michael 8 Comments

Are things becoming less restrictive where you are? There are not yet here but I have read there is some movement toward more recognizable routines we had been used to in some locales. Now that would be some movement toward something approaching what we used to think of as normal for some activities in some areas. Not the whole world is back to what we want it do tomorrow.

When things do lososen up, I don’t know that I’ll be thinking that’s the right choice or not. Here’s what I believe and I believe I’ll say it. Or write it. I believe we are approaching a whole different “normal” that’s going to be the norm for yet some more time and that new normal isn’t quite what most of us remember as the old normal at all. Whether we want it or not, whether we accept it or not, or whether we get used to it or not, it’s going to happen, and it’s going to happen slowly. And people are going to just beat the crap out of that “Love your neighbor” thing we had going.

We aren’t going turn a switch and all the stores and restaurants and schools and churches will open, sports arena will be standing room only and theaters will have the hottest ticket in town, air travel will return with too tight seating and cruise ships will be packed to the deck rails, and spas and salons will be cutting hair, painting nails, and massaging under worked and over appreciated muscles overnight.

When it starts it is going to be a slow start, an adventure of misstarts, missteps, and probably a retreat or two. It will be gradual and will take more patience than it takes now when we are waiting. And here’s the thing – write this down – we don’t wait well, and it will be worse when we get just a taste of life without waiting.

Humans aren’t designed to go slow. Patience is such a virtue because because nobody has it! We want to go. We are okay staying still. But getting from stop to full speed is not man’s strong point. We aren’t good in the middle.

Think of all the middles out there and then honestly think is that where you want to be. The middle seat. Middle management. Middle age. Middle of nowhere!

It’s coming. It’s going be bad. Almost everybody is going to say it’s too soon to reopen the world or we’ve been closed off for too long. Nobody is going to say well at least there is a little more I can do today and I’m thankful for that.

When the transition begins be thankful for the little changes, know they are the first steps to bigger changes, remember you didn’t get to where you are today overnight, and embrace the middle.

Selfish Is as Selfish Does

March 19, 2020Michael 4 Comments

I was hoping to spend the remainder of our self isolation distributing nothing but good news and mad, happy thoughts. Sorry but I just can’t. Well, I suppose I could but I suppose I would also explode by keeping too much in. And so…look out world…

Just what the [bleep]ing [bleep] are you [bleep]ing thinking you crazy [bleep] [bleep] for brains you [bleep]ing idiots you!

No, no, not you. All those other you. The idiots you.

I know every year we have to come up with new words that the vast majority of people who use them have no clue what they mean. For Exhibit One I submit “xenophobe.” You would think this year’s entry, “social distancing,” wouldn’t create such confusion. Okay, I understand it’s actually two words but they are both pretty basic, or pretty [bleep]ing basic if you really want to capture my true thoughts on the subject.

Social: among people, not unlike social media. You recognize that don’t you? Again, not you. That other you.

Distance: Space, room, like when you (once more the idiots you) when you want some space, man.

I’m sure there are a lot of the you who are doing your part, but the few other you are making me sick. Hopefully not any sicker than I already am.

Some examples:

Last week Pittsburgh cancelled its St. Patrick’s Day parade scheduled for Saturday March 14 to protect the public. At the time a ban on dine in/drink in seating (or standing) at restaurants and bars had not gone into effect. Of course people were encouraged not to congregate in crowds larger than 250. (Again, that was at the time. Since then the recommendation had been dropped to 150, then 50, now 10, all over the course of 4 days.) Of course people ignored that. The bars sure did their part, one stating they weren’t letting more than 150 in the space that typically holds 340. Yay! Took real restraint to pull that off. Naturally those refused admittance just queued up outside. One reveler explained to a reporter, “I’ll live my life, I’ll do my thing and then address it if I have to.” In related news, no long lines of people waiting to pay homage to the good saint were reported outside any churches on the actual St. Patrick’s Day, which contrary to popular belief is not always the second Saturday in March.

Sorry, you can’t go in yet. We’re practicing Social Distancing in there.

An Allegheny County (Pennsylvania) sheriff reported to work not feeling very well. According to reports his son’s girlfriend just returned from Spain and tested presumptive positive for COVID-19. The Chief Deputy said the deputy who was experiencing symptoms “had concerns based on reported symptoms, and he made the decision to come to work.” The deputy interacted with 15 other deputies before he reported his symptoms to a supervisor who instructed all 16 to return home and self-isolate.

Somebody didn’t get the memo. Be the match. Don’t get burned.

Several states still waiting primary election days have postponed, rescheduled, or are considering rescheduling elections or encouraging voting by mail ballots. Several organizations have protested such actions going so far as to file suits and request injunctions to halt any actions that delay voting. No individuals have entered such action, only groups claiming to be protecting Americans’ rights. I suppose protecting Americans right goes to some other groups.

Protecting Americans right!

Please, let me get back to sharing happy madcap adventures and the occasional report on my health that hopefully won’t get any weirder in the next 14 days.

Be well, stay safe, and don’t forget to wash your hands.