Tag Guarantee

Prior Performance

Michael Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been sitting closer to the television so I’ve been reading the small print on television ads. Just another of the benefits of getting older.

Small print is hard enough to read. On television it’s monumentally hard to read. It’s usually in white and on a light or nearly white background, small enough to qualify as fine print in a print ad, and verbose enough to be a politician while remaining on the screen for a bit less than the heartbeat of an out of shape stair climber.

If your efforts with the on-line speed reading course were successful, you actually may get the opportunity to read televised fine print. And if you do, you will find it’s not at all very informative.

Extensive research (and not at all scientific let me tell you) says that the third most popular phrase in that fine print is “past performance does not guarantee future results” or similar. (The second most common phrase is “Limited time offer, expires [sometime 8 months from now].” The most common phrase is “dramatization” and/or “actor portrayal” so you can separate fact from fiction without straining your brain while separating them.)

Past performance does not guarantee future results? Excuse me, isn’t that what you are advertising, your past performance? This is especially popular among lawyers, bankers, stock brokers, trade school placement offices, and purveyors of commemorative plates. It’s the advertising fine print equivalent of saying “not responsible for lost or stolen luggage.” Feel free to substitute “your hard earned money” for “luggage.”

Imagine what those lawyers and bankers and others would say if other advertisers blithely asked for you to buy from them while at the same time reminding you that what they are selling may or may not actually do what you are buying. For examples:

….. Orange Juice: Translation = You know us as the brand that uses nothing but fresh oranges to make our juice but your next bottle might have some juiced brussel sprouts.

…..Tires: Translation = Our tires have long been known for their ability to grip the road, resist punctures, and last thousands and thousands of miles. Unfortunately the ones we just shipped to the stores are really old retreads and bald ones at that.

…..Dishwashing liquid: Translation = You may need to use most of the bottle if you expect clean dishes.

….. Luxury SUV: Translation = Can you say Family Truckster?

….. Toilet paper: Let’s not even go there.

Past performance does not guarantee future results. You never hear airlines say that when they are talking about on-time performance. Hmmm.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Buddy, can you spare 500k?

Michael Leave a comment

About a week ago one person hit the PowerBall for $240 million dollars.  Imagine, almost a quarter of a billion dollars to a single winner.  What would you do if that person was you?

But first, since this is Reality, let’s really think about this.  Do you take it all or break it up over a 26 year annuity?  Let’s be mature and do the annuity.  That means we’re actually going to get $923,000 a year.  Well, no you don’t.  The IRS will get about $342,000.  States vary in income tax and what they can and can’t get at.  Ours would take about $14,000.  So you would get about $567,000.  Not a bad salary.  In fact, we think we’ll take.  And here’s what we’d do.

That will probably be our only salary.  Unlike almost everybody who ever hit the lottery for big money, we would not make a pretense out of liking our job so much that we can’t live without it and will continue to work just because it’s the right thing.  We don’t, we can, it isn’t.  And we certainly wouldn’t.  We will try to live comfortably on a half million dollars a year.  After the first year. 

The first year we’d take about 10% of it and blow it on ourselves.  Clothes, vacations, cars, something we’d do if we hit for say, $50,000.  Not enough to live on but enough to have fun with.  The other 90% would go to paying off our mortgages, credit cards, personal loans, and the accountant who’s going to figure out how to get the best return on whatever is left. Then we can move on to Year 2 through 26.

We’d still take 10% of it and completely blow it.  We’d take whatever our accountant says and invest it.  And we’d continue to pay him.  We figure we’d still have a couple million left.  Travel, new houses, one big new house, art.  So many choices.  We’ve always talked about an adult version of Make a Wish.  We aren’t at all insensitive to children with terminal illnesses but why not also treat adults who have worked hard all their lives?  It’s hard to put kids through college, help them open their own businesses, contribute to the churches and charities, keep cars that should have long ago been relegated to the bargain lot going to one more dance recital.  We think these people get to make a wish, too.

Our town has a group of ten well to do people who put up $100 every month to award a $1,000 microgrant to the best local applicant.  They’ve awarded grants to artists for public exhibition, entrepreneurs for incubators, and start-up businesses for that last bit of capital the SBA wants to see.  People can do remarkable things with a $1000.  We can do that a thousand times over.  But let’s stick with 10.

We were very taken with last Christmas’s emergence of Layaway Angels.  (See The Angels Have Landed, Dec. 20, 2011 from Life.)  Maybe we’d help too.  We’ve always made room in our budgets for Angel Trees, Salvation Army kettles, the local, modern versions of the soup kitchens and food banks.  Somehow Christmas makes almost everybody a little more generous and these remarkable volunteer efforts manage to make the less well off enjoy their holidays also.   With our half million dollar salary we would find a way to help out during the other 11 months too.

Finally we pick the most needy of our now former co-workers and get them a really big gift card to a really good psychiatrist.  Without us at the office playing Sigmund Free (See Star Polisher Jan. 5, 2012 and Fire Them All Nov. 17, 2011) who will ever listen to them?

So there you have it.  Some selfish, some altruistic, some business, some fun.  And while we’re at it, can we get that vacuum cleaner that runs itself?

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Tax and Fees Extra

Michael Leave a comment

“And of course because this is a foreign check we’ll have to hold it for 5 days.  Which account would you like it held against?”  The question was absolutely serious.  And He of We was absolutely dumbfounded.  “Foreign?  Well yes, it does come all the way from Kentucky.”  And thus he found himself on the receiving end of a lecture, a real honest to gosh lecture, about how the banking industry works to protect our deposits.

She of We got her own lecture two weeks later when her credit union debit card was refused by a merchant because the bank had inactivated it.  It was very good of the bank to do so since it appeared that someone had possibly stolen her card numbers and attempted to buy something out of country.  But nobody told her.  She found out 3 days later.  During that time she attempted two local purchases which were refused and called the credit union.  She spoke with a live operator who suggested she try her card again in an ATM.  After the ATM was no more help than the live telephone version she went to the branch to inquire and was then told that her card had been suspended.

While She of We was waiting at the teller window another patron at the next window was having his own issues with cards and funds.  It seems he stopped at a gas station and “Paid at the Pump” with his debit card.  Forty-five dollars.  But his computer statement told him the account had been debited $70.  Where was the other $25?  And why was it not in his account where it would have stopped a check of his from being returned unpaid for which the institution charged him another fee.

If we remember all the details, a foreign check is one drawn against an account from any bank other than the one to which He of We was attempting to deposit it.  If that check should not clear we will be charged a fee for depositing a check that is not backed by sufficient funds and we’d be charged a fee immediately and thus place our account balance in jeopardy.  So it’s for our safety. 

Purchases against a debit card are transferred to the bank for approval and if it will be paid or not the merchant is apprised of that by electronic message.  Anywhere in the world.  Immediately.  For our safety.

Unspecified cash total purchases, such as a “pre-approval” to buy gasoline sometime in the future (and apparently sometime in the next 30 seconds of the pump reset is “the future”), is transmitted to the gas pump’s mini-computer with a predetermined spending limit.  Eventually, the predetermined already debited amount is re-credited to the account.  Probably for somebody’s safety.

It’s commendable that a bank would want to protect its customers from fraudulent transactions but we have some questions.  What if the debit card number thief had try to make a purchase in Hartford Connecticut rather than Hamburg Germany?  Was somebody ever going to contact She of We that she was walking around with a useless piece of plastic in her wallet?  Why isn’t the card holder made aware of the amount of held funds for pre-approved purchases and for how long they will be held?  And explain again why Kentucky is foreign? 

These are all accepted US banking practices protected by US and individual states’ banking laws.  A bank can hold funds guaranteed by a check for 5, 7, or 10 days until the issuing bank confirms there is money in the account against which the check is written.  That’s only good practice.  Good practice to hold the check until the receiving bank finds out if the issuing bank has the money.  Good practice for it to take 10 days if the receiving bank is planning on sending a representative by stagecoach to the issuing bank to collect the money. 

The rules were written before electronic funds transfers were common, before the average American had 3 phones and 5 e-mail addresses, before people traded in their folding money for a piece of plastic that is easier to carry, and if lost or stolen easier to report, manage and recover.  Why would anybody want to re-write the rules?  They provide the bank with the opportunity to use somebody else’s money for 3, 5, 10 days to collect additional interest for their accounts.  And after all, they protect our accounts.

When the banks can’t get enough by squirrelling away our money for a week or so they charge fees.  ATM fees, teller fees, call center fees, credit card fees, debit card fees, paper statement fees.  We read recently of a bank that tried to establish fees for using their website.  It was a monthly electronic access fee. The banking is free.  The accounts are “service charge free.”  However, if you want to find out how much money you have on deposit you have to pay a fee.

Used to be all banks were worried about was someone holding up the stage coach.  A banks real challenge now is measured by how to creatively phrase the next fee they will charge you and convince you that by paying these small fees translates into large balances later.  If you believe that, we have a bridge we’d like to sell you. 

But you have to pay the closing cost fees.  It’s for your safety.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

For Your Protection

Michael Leave a comment

Not long ago, She of We remodeled the bathroom in her house.  The bathtub was still in good shape but dingy.  Rather than replace a good strong cast iron tub with a new and improved cheap imitation she had the tub refinished.  When the work was done the refinisher presented her with the warranty and list of “don’ts.”  High on the list was not to use a specific array of cleaning products.  If she failed to heed this warning, her actions would (ominous music, please) void the warranty.  It made sense.  It’s a process to refinish a bathtub.  Acrylics, bonders, polymers and other magic stuff went into making a 60 year old cast iron tub look new and improved.  And it’s an expensive process.  If one of those bonders or polymers or other-ers came loose and the finish became unfinished it would be just as expensive to refinish it all over again.  That is good advice, there for her protection, and a good warranty. 

As the project moved on, new mirrors and floor and fixtures found their way to the remodeled space.  When all the rest of the pieces were in place the plumber presented her with, among other things, instructions for the toilet.  Don’t use any cleaning solutions in it or you will (once again please, some ominous music) void the warranty.  Good advice for the — for the what?  Toilet?  We aren’t speaking of the valve that lets water in or the flush mechanism that lets water out.  Toilets don’t even come with those necessities.  You buy them separately.  We’re speaking of the white thing upon which you sit.  After you buy a seat.  They don’t come with those either. 

That big white thing that takes up a whole corner of the room – the throne, the chair, the real man’s recliner – has a warranty.  And in order to preserve it you cannot use toilet cleaners in the toilet.  We have to ask, with what does one clean a toilet if not with toilet cleaners.  You would certainly want to clean a toilet every now and then.  Wouldn’t you?  We do.  But wait yet another minute.  A warranty?  From what?  One would think if a toilet did not hold up its end of the bargain and hold up he or she while he or she is…well, if the toilet broke and that person crashed to the floor, the warranty would be the last thing that the state attorney general or consumer affairs commissioner or whomever would handle the complaint would request to act upon the complaint.

There once was a day when warranties weren‘t commonplace for everything from toilets to shampoo.   There once was a day when workmanship was so good nobody thought of a warranty.  It just worked.  Even toilets.  No, that toilet warranty isn’t there for her protection.  That warranty is there for the protection of the company that realized it has created a new and improved cheap imitation of what once was genuine and solid needing neither newness nor improvement.  If it was any good the manufacturer would have hung a tag on it that reads, “Good luck with your new toilet.  It will give you years of enjoyment.  If you have any problems, give us a call.”  Instead the manufacturer tries to impress the purchaser with promises that it will repair or replace any defective part that one can prove was a defect in manufacturing and not subsequent handling including transportation and installation and that no mishandling after installation up to and including cleaning with cleaning solutions has occurred.  Words we never thought would accompany a toilet purchase.

Our advice to you if you find yourself in a similar situation is to clean the toilet.  It’s for your protection.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?