Tag Distractions

I Didn’t Know That (Ooops, corrected copy)

Michael 1 Comment

I recall a time when a graduate student would say something and by gosh, that was the way it was. It was sort of like the 1970s (ugh) equivalent of the Internet. You know darn well that 99.9% of what is on it would be disallowed in a court of law as hearsay, unfounded, or speculative, yet there is that part of you that is sure if you read it there, just as we used to be sure if we heard it from them, then it must be true.

There is no end to the things that I am sure are true. Well, that’s probably a bit overstated. I’m sure there is some end but I figure my end is closer than that end so to me it’s all endless. However, there are still some things that I don’t know that I want to add to the things that are true before one of those ends shows up around the bend.

For example, I know exactly where dust comes from. (If you don’t, don’t look it up, it’s disgusting! Ok, I’ll tell you. It’s mostly sloughed off skin. Yuck.) But I have no idea how I get dust inside a closed cabinet. Is that where the kitchen fairies who clean up the messes and put the dishes away hang out and let their skin hang out with them. If so, why are they just hanging out in my drawers and cabinets and not wiping the kitchen experiments gone awry off the counters and walls.

Another thing I can’t figure out is radio. I’m an educated person, a science educated person, who actually understands (and can spell) gluconeogenesis. I understand the theory of radio waves and how transmitters excite the air and receivers replicate the original wave patterns. But I have no idea how they know which is which. They say (“They” being the grad students of the 70s from whom I first heard this and “They” also being the Internet of the new millennium where I confirmed this just yesterday) that radio waves never stop. Whatever has been still is. So if everything ever transmitted – radio, television, cell phones, CB radios, walkie talkies, blue tooth, satellite radio, GPS, and the thousands of other things that I’ve forgotten or never knew about – is still floating around out there, how does my car always know what station to pluck out of the air for me? Personally, I think it’s magic.

They (there go them again) claim that it takes more calories to eat celery than celery contains making it a true negative calorie food. Assuming that you consider celery food. I’ll buy that because I can read how many calories celery contains (6 calories per stalk according to some sources) and how many calories it takes to chew, swallow, digest, and -ummm- eliminate celery (8 calories based on a University of Warwick study when extrapolated per stalk). I even know what a calorie is. That is, the energy needed to raise one gram of water one degree centigrade. And I know that the US FDA wants to require that calorie content of food be included in labeling, menus, even on vending machines. What I have no idea of is how you figure out how many calories a food has. Does burning that one stalk of celery raise one gram of water by six degrees? Or to make it more easily measured would you burn 1,440 stalks of celery to attempt to raise the temperature of one cup of water 240 degrees? And how would you even do that with a Quarter Pounder with Cheese or an Extra Crispy Chicken Little Sandwich, or a pack of Grandma’s Famous Chocolate Chip Cookies (the vending pack)?

So, in an Internet filled with people proclaiming all the things that they know, there you have a few things I am willing to admit that I don’t know. If you do, please feel free to add your comment and add to the things that I know and help me get the end a little further away from that other end. One thing though, even if you do know, I really don’t want to know how to measure how many calories are burned by digesting a bowl of chocolate moose tracks ice cream. Some things are best left a mystery.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Faster Than a Speeding Steam Shovel

Michael Leave a comment

Some years ago I posted a series of tales featuring the dubious driving abilities of those who had managed to plow their vehicles into unsuspecting, immovable buildings. (Enter “Cars” and “Building” into the site search window and you’ll find those contributions.) With the exception of one follow-up a year ago I stopped such posts not because I stopped finding them in the local news but that they had become so commonplace that I feared if I continued you’d develop a less than admirable perception of drivers from my part of the country. But even that can’t stop this installment.

Among last Monday morning’s news stories which included two separate car vs building scuffles and one report of a garbage truck assailing a house in an early morning sneak attack (apparently even the driver was unaware of it at the time) was a related incident. But first, we should take a moment and explore how one directs a vehicle under his or her control into a quite stationary, often multi-storied structure.

I don’t buy the excuse of “I thought I was hitting the brakes.” The pedal configuration in automobiles has been the same for roughly 110 years. That’s longer than anybody who has run into a building has been driving. It’s longer even than anybody who has run into a building has been breathing. No, you don’t suddenly “forget” which pedal is which. I also don’t buy the excuse that “I was distracted.” Distracted driving is indeed a real thing. Many accidents and unfortunately many accidental deaths have been caused by distracted drivers. That I am not disputing. But to hit a building you must leave the roadway, climb over curbs, drive through hedgerows and/or parking meters, flush quail and other small animals often including startled, screaming human beings before striking an object with force enough to propel your vehicle through it. I might buy operator death while driving but since all of the reports that I have seen end with “the driver claimed he (or she) thought he (or she) was hitting his (or her) brakes” and/or “the driver claims to have been distracted,” death clearly has been ruled out.

So now that we’ve explored how one directs a vehicle into a non-vehicle we know no more about the mental state of these drivers than we did before said exploration other than to say they are mental.

SS1And that brings us to my latest report. A man drove his back hoe into the living room of a house. He then drove off! Fortunately (that’s how the local police chief described it, “fortunately”) the homeowner got a good description of the vehicle and officers who were on patrol nearby were able to track down the alleged operator. Fortunately (yes, “fortunately”) they had that good description and they were able to stop the correct backhoe driving down the road. It would have been quite embarrassing to stop the wrong one with pieces of picture window frame hanging from it.

Thank God he didn’t drive around to window #2!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Drive By

Michael Leave a comment

It’s been over two years since we posted anything about people driving their cars into buildings. (See Drive Through Service, Drive Through Part Two, Drive Around Please, and Drive On.) And there is a good reason for that.  When we started that little series it was almost cute the things drivers were getting themselves into. But lately it’s been tragic.

For at least the past year there has been a car driven into a home or business at least once a week with horrible consequences. Cars, trucks, and big rigs have plowed into doctors’ offices, hairdressers, fast food restaurants, convenience stores, banks, a do-nut shop, and private homes. Each time, someone has been injured and buildings have been rendered uninhabitable. One intrusion resulted in a fatality.

Some of the collisions might have been caused by snow-covered, icy, or wet roads, but many of them happened in 70 degree, dry,calm weather.  When is wasn’t dry or calm, the drivers should have taken extra care.

So they haven’t been fun, haven’t been innocuous, haven’t even been cute. Why bring it up again? As a reminder to please be careful out there. Just because a car’s speedometer goes up to 120 mph is no reason to try and get there. Just because your phone is ringing doesn’t mean the caller won’t be there when you’re parked. And just because they zoom about in the commercials they really mean it when the put those teeny words across the bottom of the screen that say “Professional driver, do not attempt.”

Take your time, keep alert for hazards in the road, and hang around as long as you can. We want you to be reading us for a long time.

That’s what I think, How ’bout you?

No Means Why Not

Michael Leave a comment

Jerry Seinfeld once said that the only warning label people really pay attention to is “Dry Clean Only.”  He has a point.  Just about everything else we are told not to do we do and do it with gusto.  If you take a warning label, put it on steroids, turn the fabric to metal, and hang it on a pole along the side of the road you get those big warning signs.  They don’t have anywhere near the impact of “Dry Clean Only.”

Perhaps it’s because we got back to real winter weather.  Perhaps it’s because all of the stars lined up just right and all of the blind, nearly blind, and soon to be blind-sided were out driving at the same time.  Perhaps it’s because so many people take traffic laws as suggestions.  For whatever reason, yesterday was not a day to be out driving in the local business district.

There are some “No” traffic laws that are never going to be heeded.  No passing on right.  No turns from shoulder.  No lane changing in tunnel.   Most people do them and get away with them without much problem.  There are other “No” laws that are to be heeded because they are more vital to life.  They usually involve aiming the car at a point that crosses traffic and that traffic is usually high speed and busy not paying attention to its own warnings.  No left turn.  No U turn.  No turn on red.  Yesterday was the day that for every “No” the signs said there was a driver saying “Oh yes I can.”

It’s along one span of a quite large business route that there are traffic lights every 500 feet or so.  Shopping centers, malls, clusters of stores and restaurants, and car dealerships line both sides of the 4 or 5 mile stretch of roadway.  To keep unnecessary traffic out of these various shopping areas’ parking lots, most of the lights permit U-turns.  But then, most of the road is only 2 lanes in either direction.  At the two lights where the road expands to 4 lanes each way the lights are clearly signed “No U Turn.”  At both of these there were cars literally lined up to reverse their courses rather than travel the quarter-mile to the next legal switching point.  At both of these the cars were still lined up after at one intersection the U-Turning car was struck by another and at the second the U-Turning car crossed two lanes of traffic and did half a donut to avoid being struck by a car bearing down on him.

Along a different road there are two “No Left Turn” intersections that, if permitted, would require the turning car to pass in front of three lanes of uncontrolled oncoming traffic.  At the first of these I had to stop while not one, not two, but three of the four cars ahead prepared to make an unlawful left turn.  To be safe about it, they all had their turn signals on.  At the second of these there was only one car making its illegal turn.  That car was a police car.

There just isn’t enough space to detail all of the No Turn on Red turns but one was absolutely spectacular.  That will be a post for another day.

There was no indication of how many of these scofflaws needed to have something dry cleaned.  By the end of the day, I did.

Now that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Then I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Michael Leave a comment

I don’t want to get maudlin here but lately I’ve been wondering if there are some things I want to do before kicking the proverbial bucket.  Proverbially.  Not so long ago we posted a “Hole in the Bucket List,” or those things we really don’t want to do.  (See “I Would Do Anything – Not!” Feb. 11, 2013.)  That list ran the gamut from alligator wrestling to tornado chasing.  And even in thinking of those things I’d like to do there are more that I don’t and certainly won’t than those that I wish I had and will try to do.  But if one was to write a bucket list and if that one was me, what would be there?  First it would be of three parts – things to do, places to go, and experiences to um, experience.

Starting with the second first we find the easiest category.  There was once a time that I’d have been convinced that I couldn’t call it a life fulfilled if I hadn’t visited all fifty of the United States.  With apologies to the Midwest, once I got to Kansas, that goal tarnished.  There’s only so much flat and level one can take.  There just isn’t that much difference between North and South Dakotas, and ditto the Carolinas to require four stops on that Triptik.  Alaska is way too big and Rhode Island is way too small to compose jaw dropping long weekends. Fifty states are just too many for more than just weekends.  Regions are a different story.  New England, Mid-Atlantic, Southeast, Southwest, Midwest, West Coast, Northwest.  Those are manageable.  And I’ve been to them all so that’s off the list.  But within each region there are special places.  And some special places deserve special notice.

One city that I have to get to while the getting is still getable is Punxsutawney Pennsylvania, home of Punxsutawney Phil, the world’s greatest weather rodent.   Another go to place is the home of the world’s greatest, and first pizza, Naples.  Naples is also the home of half of my heritage so a trip there would kill two tomatoes with one wheel of cheese.

Things to do before that bucket tips are probably at the top of everyone’s list.  I guess I never have been that conventional.  If I wanted to do it, it has already been done.   There aren’t that many noteworthy things that I feel I have to do again.  Drive across country – done that.  Jump out of a flying object – once was enough and I did it more than that!  Race around a race track in a race car just like a race car driver – no desire.  Nope, there aren’t many things to do to be done or else feel like there is something missing in my life.  Two things to continue to do are to wind down in the hot tub and to wind it up cruising top down along a country lane.  And if I get to pick a companion it would be She.

Part place to go, thing to do, and experience to experience is the last item on the list.  Last here is certainly not least but is at least the least likely to be experienced, or done, or gone to when last call is called.  That would be the Mediterranean Wine Cruise.  Years ago while dreaming of vacations to consider, She and I ran across an ad for a two week cruise across the Mediterranean Sea and all the ports of call were where “wine country” was one of your first thoughts of the area.  Whoever put this together did not use Mediterranean euphemistically like we feel compelled to in this country.  It was not code for Turkey or Greece.  It covered all of the countries that touch that body of water and there are a lot of them.  And they all make wine.  We didn’t get there and for why ever that was it never seemed to be a big deal except for now when I think of places I’d like to go or things I like to do or an experience I’d like to have that I didn’t, or hadn’t, or wanted.

So they aren’t the most adventurous things and places and what nots.  That’s my list and I’m sticking to it.  I wonder now, what would happen if you compare this list with the Hole in the Bucket List?  I guess that makes these sort of the pros and cons of things to do today.

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

A Little Off the Top

Michael Leave a comment

This weekend past was the NFL Week One weekend. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal.  College football has been going on for a couple of weeks.  High school and midget or little league football might have been happening for close to a month in some places.  And even pro football hasn’t been unheard from with nationally televised pre-season games.  But this was the official week.  The week when football at all levels was played and the games counted.  And there must have been much concern over the summer months because the coaches are all bald.

On Sunday when they spend lots of time aiming the cameras at the coaches along the sidelines during the game that you care about and are watching and all the others that they show during the half-time and post-game reports during and after the game you care about, most of those coaches were hairless.  Ditto for the college coaches on Saturday.  Even on the Friday night local news and in the Saturday morning paper, many of the high school coaches that got some PR time showed off their newly shorn former locks.  Bald we tell you!  They are all bald!

They will say they are making a statement, showing off their toughness, deliberating declaring themselves to be the more testosterone laden version versus the one across the field on the opponents’ benches.  They are the cross between The Rock and Bruce Willis.  Hmmm, let’s look a little closer.

We think they are all shaving their heads because they want to mask their receding hairlines.  For many men, it’s not an easy thing to deal with.  It’s much easier to design a successful pass rush when you look as menacing as the rushers.  Half-time pep talks go over bigger when you just have to grunt and let the bad locker room lighting reflect the sheen from a recent shave.  But when everybody is doing it, it’s not so cool.

We’re estimating close to 75% of the coaches spotted on the sidelines displayed the all over haircut.  (Oddly, those coaches with hair seemed to be wearing hats.)  Where the threat (of whatever) showed when the shaved head was one in a hundred, at 100 out of 100 they are just all the same model.  It is sort of like when the coaches stopped wearing suits on the sidelines and went for golf shirts.  The first few added to their menace repertoire as everyone could see their muscles bulging against the stretchy fabric.  Now they just look ready to hit the late night appetizer specials at the tavern down the street.

So, is the shaved head going to be the new fashion statement for this year’s sideline strollers?  Perhaps.  It’s not necessarily a bad look.  It’s just that those who are sporting it should remember why they favor the clean crown.  And remember that cross between The Rock and Bruce Willis?  Do it enough times and somebody is going to end up looking like a cross between Mr. Clean and Humpty Dumpty.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Multi-tasking To Go

Michael Leave a comment

We suppose the current politically correct term is distracted driving, but some people do it so effortlessly they consider it an asset rather than the liability that we as innocent bystanders see. It was only a few days ago that She of We saw what has become the new benchmark that bystanders throughout our city will be on the lookout for.

We don’t like to make excuses and the fault quite heavily lies on the doer, but the car manufacturer may be responsible for some of the odd behavior we see during each day’s rush hours.  If it wasn’t for tilt steering wheels it would be more difficult for someone to spread the morning paper out before himself to read on the way to work.  Yes, every morning He of We is passed at about the same spot on the highway by a man guiding his little Lincoln while eschewing the radio version of the news so he can read all about it.  Fortunately (?) he just reads and doesn’t attempt the crossword puzzle.  Smooth rides, cruise control, and lighted vanity mirrors make make-up application, though not new, popular.  They also facilitate a close shave (in more ways than one) on the way to work in the morning.  Texting might be an issue for the teen drivers but the over-achievers make use of the generous center consoles on which to mount their notebooks and laptops to extend their workdays.  On their slower days you can see them returning e-mails on their tablets giving the heavy workload some time off.

So none of that is particularly new and we and you certainly have seen much similar activity.  What could it have been that She spotted that was so out of the ordinary that it would actually prompt this discussion?  Well…………

The latest, the newest, the most unusual of all rush hour driving activities seen to date (drum roll please – and that would be very appropriate) is driving through town while playing a clarinet.  Yes, the full size woodwind, made famous by the likes of Goodman, Shaw, and Fountain, in the hands of one also using his hands to steer his minivan through downtown traffic.

It gives new meaning to the concept of “Swing!”

That’s what we think.  Really.  How ’bout you.

 

A Throne, a Throne, the Kingdom for a Throne

Michael Leave a comment

Since He of We returned from the hospital, chairs have become a funny thing.  Almost all of what he could do in the pre-hospital days he can do post-hospital except get out of most chairs.  If it is true that one’s home is one’s castle, his is definitely missing the throne room.  Let’s explore.

In general, the firmer the surface, the easier is the exit.  That all but eliminates all of the sofas and loveseats in the house.  The set in the living room is soft and squishy and perfect for napping on.  But once he gets down into one he sinks so low he has to roll out of the furniture’s grip and use gravity to help him out.  The only way to fool these man-eating pieces is to remain perched on the edge of the seat, and what fun is that?  A second set in a second room exhibits the same characteristics but with the added attraction of being low to the ground so that when he works his way to the edge he gets the pleasure of having to lift himself an additional 3 or 4 inches.

Moving to the sunroom there is a dandy pair of wicker swivel rockers.  They are a good height with a firm seating area and in an excellent position to sit and read, take a snack, or just watch the outside go by.  Except when it’s time to get up.  Recall they are swivel rockers and wicker.  With little weight behind them when trying to push himself up he usually ends up twisting the chair into such a position that he stands up into a wall or a table.

Recliners abound in He’s house.  He can choose between a compact one, one of a traditional size and style, and an oversized double width job that lays back to almost flat.  All are very easy to drop into, but no kingdom edicts will be made from any of those pieces.  They are too comfortable and lull him into the thinking that he can stay there for as long as necessary and then bound up refreshed and ready to take on the world.  He couldn’t bound out of a recliner before he went into the hospital; now he just reclines there, muttering “another 15 minutes and then I’ll get up.”

The dining room chairs are sturdy, firm, with good backs, and arms to push up and out with.  But who wants to spend an entire day at the dining room table.  The last person who tried that was Henry VIII.

That leaves, well, it leaves the porcelain chair in the “throne room.”  Not ideal for long term sessions and certainly no place to receive visitors. 

Maybe this castle thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  Perhaps one’s house is just a house and the perfect throne is wherever one can sit for a few minutes and take solace in that even if it’s a chore getting up it’s a joy being able to.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Who Could Ask For Anything More

Michael 1 Comment

Every now and then we look forward to retirement.  Oh, that is going to be years and years away, but it’s nice to sit and dream.  It seems that there are lots of retired people we know who have jobs.  Retirement jobs.  They tend bar on the slow nights, they drive limos, or they sit behind the big desk being the building receptionist.

That got us to thinking, if we didn’t have to work for money to live on, what would be our ideal jobs.  She of We would like to make floral arrangements or on a grander scale, design gardens.  He of We wants to own a Dairy Queen.  Nice, quiet, safe jobs.

But then we got to thinking, sometimes one could have the nice, quiet, safe job from the worker perspective, but how about those jobs that from the patrons perspective are the perfect jobs.  (When we think, we think big.  Or at least different.)  So what are the jobs that nobody can ever complain about when they are the patrons?

Let’s start with the ice cream stand.  For the worker it can be a headache sometimes.  Lines of Little Leaguers waiting for their celebratory soft serve next to the lines of losers waiting for their consolation cone.  But even though there are lines and the workers are working up a sweat scooping out the good stuff, nobody in line at the Dairy Queen, et. al. is in a bad mood.  They know there will be a sweet treat for them at the end of their wait and they’re willing to wait it.  Much different from the lines at the driver license picture taking place.

It seems nobody ever gets stressed at a book store.  We know most everybody is saying that book stores are a dying business but while they are still breathing they are places where the customer is always tranquil.  What’s to be upset over?  Maybe a book is out of print. It could be a little disheartening and probably it could be found on the Internet anyway.  But at the bookstore, there’s someone there to pour over the computer screen, slogging through the search engines, looking for the elusive title.  All the while our intrepid customer is skimming the best sellers, having a cappuccino and colache, and listening to the CD samplers in the music section.

A place where stress is the norm for the worker but the patrons are de-stressed to the max is at the amusement park.  The employees at the parks have it rough.  They are standing many hours and standing those hours in hot sun.  If they aren’t standing they are leaning against hard metal chair-like props.  And for the poor souls who maintain rides that ride in circles there is always that trip out to the ride proper to clean up one of the few times the rider might be just a tad stressed.  But we love these worker bees.  With a punch of a button or a pull on a lever they do to us what amusement parks are intended to do.  They amuse.  And what can be better than that?

Yes, there are those jobs that are ideal jobs but really, how many of us get them anyway.  The better ideal jobs are the ones somebody else is doing that we think are ideal because of the benefits we reap.  That might be just a little selfish but don’t we get to be that sometime?  We vote yes!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Everybody, Hit the Road! Oh, Look. They Already Have.

Michael Leave a comment

You know we don’t just pull stuff from the Internet and repeat it.  We’re always looking for the reason, the story, the lesson.  Well, ummm, this one from the Associated Press has none of that.  But it sure is fun to read.

A New Mexico man faces multiple charges after police say he was having sex with a woman while driving drunk and crashed, ejecting the woman from the vehicle.
The Albuquerque Journal reports the 25-year-old man was found with one shoe on and his shorts on inside-out Monday night after he wrecked his Ford Explorer in Albuquerque.
Police say his female passenger was found naked outside the SUV after being ejected. She had deep cuts to her face and head.
Authorities allege he tried to drive away after the crash and leave his passenger behind, but a witness grabbed his keys from the ignition. He also allegedly tried to hide from responding officers behind a cactus.

So tell us, what have we learned from this?

When trying to get it on while on the road, be sure to get your underwear on correctly.

Female passengers should always keep at least a light sweater for those unexpected airborne moments.  A crash helmet may also come in handy.

Check with “What Not to Wear” before going out with only one shoe.  It could be suitable for certain events and may beef up an otherwise questionable alibi.

It’s bad manners to leave your date on the side of the road.

But, just because there are lessons to be learned from this experience doesn’t mean that they have been.  We move from New Mexico to Florida to review the new definition of auto-erotica reported by the Sarasota Herald Tribune::

Two individuals were charged with misdemeanors after a police officer reportedly caught them having sex in a moving car.
The officer spotted a blue Hyundai driving erratically on Hyde Park Street on Thursday and turned on his emergency lights to see if the driver needed help.
The car suddenly pulled across the road and came to a stop. When the officer went to the driver’s door, the couple quickly tried to pull up their pants.
They had been sitting together in the driver’s seat and “it became obvious that they had been engaged in sexual intercourse,” the officer wrote in an arrest report.

When will they learn?  Our search revealed at least a half-dozen other recent reports of driving while under a completely different influence.  When will they learn is probably never.  What will they learn?  Keep a light sweater handy and don’t hide behind the cactus!

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?