Tag Distracted Driving

Faster Than a Speeding Steam Shovel

Michael Leave a comment

Some years ago I posted a series of tales featuring the dubious driving abilities of those who had managed to plow their vehicles into unsuspecting, immovable buildings. (Enter “Cars” and “Building” into the site search window and you’ll find those contributions.) With the exception of one follow-up a year ago I stopped such posts not because I stopped finding them in the local news but that they had become so commonplace that I feared if I continued you’d develop a less than admirable perception of drivers from my part of the country. But even that can’t stop this installment.

Among last Monday morning’s news stories which included two separate car vs building scuffles and one report of a garbage truck assailing a house in an early morning sneak attack (apparently even the driver was unaware of it at the time) was a related incident. But first, we should take a moment and explore how one directs a vehicle under his or her control into a quite stationary, often multi-storied structure.

I don’t buy the excuse of “I thought I was hitting the brakes.” The pedal configuration in automobiles has been the same for roughly 110 years. That’s longer than anybody who has run into a building has been driving. It’s longer even than anybody who has run into a building has been breathing. No, you don’t suddenly “forget” which pedal is which. I also don’t buy the excuse that “I was distracted.” Distracted driving is indeed a real thing. Many accidents and unfortunately many accidental deaths have been caused by distracted drivers. That I am not disputing. But to hit a building you must leave the roadway, climb over curbs, drive through hedgerows and/or parking meters, flush quail and other small animals often including startled, screaming human beings before striking an object with force enough to propel your vehicle through it. I might buy operator death while driving but since all of the reports that I have seen end with “the driver claimed he (or she) thought he (or she) was hitting his (or her) brakes” and/or “the driver claims to have been distracted,” death clearly has been ruled out.

So now that we’ve explored how one directs a vehicle into a non-vehicle we know no more about the mental state of these drivers than we did before said exploration other than to say they are mental.

SS1And that brings us to my latest report. A man drove his back hoe into the living room of a house. He then drove off! Fortunately (that’s how the local police chief described it, “fortunately”) the homeowner got a good description of the vehicle and officers who were on patrol nearby were able to track down the alleged operator. Fortunately (yes, “fortunately”) they had that good description and they were able to stop the correct backhoe driving down the road. It would have been quite embarrassing to stop the wrong one with pieces of picture window frame hanging from it.

Thank God he didn’t drive around to window #2!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Multi-tasking To Go

Michael Leave a comment

We suppose the current politically correct term is distracted driving, but some people do it so effortlessly they consider it an asset rather than the liability that we as innocent bystanders see. It was only a few days ago that She of We saw what has become the new benchmark that bystanders throughout our city will be on the lookout for.

We don’t like to make excuses and the fault quite heavily lies on the doer, but the car manufacturer may be responsible for some of the odd behavior we see during each day’s rush hours.  If it wasn’t for tilt steering wheels it would be more difficult for someone to spread the morning paper out before himself to read on the way to work.  Yes, every morning He of We is passed at about the same spot on the highway by a man guiding his little Lincoln while eschewing the radio version of the news so he can read all about it.  Fortunately (?) he just reads and doesn’t attempt the crossword puzzle.  Smooth rides, cruise control, and lighted vanity mirrors make make-up application, though not new, popular.  They also facilitate a close shave (in more ways than one) on the way to work in the morning.  Texting might be an issue for the teen drivers but the over-achievers make use of the generous center consoles on which to mount their notebooks and laptops to extend their workdays.  On their slower days you can see them returning e-mails on their tablets giving the heavy workload some time off.

So none of that is particularly new and we and you certainly have seen much similar activity.  What could it have been that She spotted that was so out of the ordinary that it would actually prompt this discussion?  Well…………

The latest, the newest, the most unusual of all rush hour driving activities seen to date (drum roll please – and that would be very appropriate) is driving through town while playing a clarinet.  Yes, the full size woodwind, made famous by the likes of Goodman, Shaw, and Fountain, in the hands of one also using his hands to steer his minivan through downtown traffic.

It gives new meaning to the concept of “Swing!”

That’s what we think.  Really.  How ’bout you.