I think it’s happened. I have finally gotten so old that I don’t understand what’s happening. Not that I don’t think I understand or I misunderstand. I don’t understand what’s happening.

With milk.

I was going over this week’s grocery store ads (you know, those things that come in the mail) (yes, that mail) (yes, in email too if you want) (or on line) and saw that this week’s sales include banana milk. What do people have against cows?

I know many people have dairy allergies and need a cow’s milk alternative. That’s why we have soy milk although I don’t understand how they fit the little stool and bucket under a soy bean. But that’s a different kind of not understanding, not the big not understanding what’s happening of understandings.

Then somebody decided soy milk wasn’t any better for people than cow’s milk so they had to invent new milks. (Just to mention another thing in the long list of things that I don’t understand is how the soy in soy milk isn’t good for us but the soy in tofu is still ok.) So now we have almond milk, cashew milk, flax milk, quinoa milk, hemp milk, oat milk, rice milk, coconut milk, and pea protein milk. And now banana milk. All with nothing in common with dairy milk (and soy milk) except they are sort of white but without all the pesky allergens. And most of the nutrients. Then we add to each one its proponents. Check that. Each one’s fanatics.

Why is it that food attracts so much controversy? There always seems to be as much debate with food extremists as with partisan politics zealots. And sometimes not even as much fun. We have vegans, gluten freers (who are not celiacs), paleo dieters, juicers and cleansers, and now milkers. But not the kind with stools and buckets. Each trying to convince anybody not in said camp why theirs is the one way, the right way, the only way. Next you’ll be seeing them soliciting in airports handing out banana peels in exchange for your loose change.

Well, while all those others are trying to fit their stools and buckets under their nuts and peas and bananas I’m going to have a nice big glass of old fashioned milk milk. With a cookie. Baked. If that’s not too old fashioned.

Moo.