Tag Commercials

New Math

Michael 5 Comments

This morning I was in the car at with the radio on and as is often the case with commercial radio, a commercial came on. This particular show was a sports talk show with call in segments. I had it on because I am interested in listening to sports on the radio the same as those who listened to the first commercial broadcast were interested in election returns. It’s something to pass the time with and you spend lots of that time saying to yourself “what did he say?”

I mention this because those who sponsor sports talk radio shows must feel there is a lot of testosterone floating on the wavelengths and most of it needs supplementing as many, if not most of the commercials are for products said to enhance this or delay that or maximize thus and such. The particular commercial that pulled me from my musings over the wonderment that the people who call in to sports talk shows can actually use a phone was touting the prowess of those who need help with their prowess. It was for what I can best describe as an online EDC or, pardon my frankness, an Erectile Dysfunction Clinic. This particular “clinic” was quite proud of their success rate of 85% — now read carefully here and see if you too are jolted by this figure — and that 90% of their clients are happy with their results.

If I’m working the numbers right, and I think I am but I pulled out a calculator just to make sure, at least 5% of their clients are happy with failure. Do you think we should tell them?

Calculator

Free free, free free free!

Michael 2 Comments

I have been meaning to give you a kidney transplant update and thought today would have been a good day for that but something more important came up. Ahem, attention. To all responsible in some way for the pricing of goods and services, “free” means “not costing or charging anything.” Again, thanks go to Misters Merriam and Webster and yes I am still trying to figure out who is who.

Why am I on to this again? Because I have that kind of time, and that kind of time has finally pushed me over the edge. It’s late in winter, or early in spring, and neither is giving any ground. I’m sick of being either inside or out only for dialysis, doctors, or church. Obviously church people and doctor people are really nice folks but I really can use some time outdoors. (Dialysis people tend to be nice too but I am a little less disposed to calling anybody stuffing needles the size of bucatini into my arm pleasant people to be around.) If it’s not way too cold for a brisk walk (winter’s doing) the wind is blowing a gazillion miles an hour (spring’s contribution) or they are both huffing and puffing, threatening to blow my hovel down. So, I spend most of my time not spent at dialysis, doctors, or church, spent inside with the television on for company. I figured I really needed company when one day while talking to my plants I, with much deserved huffiness, turned on a heel, stalked out of the room, and slammed the bedroom door when they gave me the silent treatment. Collectively! The nerve of them! After all I’ve given them – water, sunshine, more water, a little fertilizer now and then. I mean really, who do…. umm ….

So I’m back to too much time in front of the TV and there are only so many movies you can sit and watch that eventually you have to resort to commercial channels and they include commercials. And the ones that play early in the morning or late at night are what you expect when the ad rates are significant less than the Super Bowl pregame show. They are the As Seen On TV ads.

Like me, maybe you are not too young to recall those early “Not Sold In Stores” television commercials. They were really things you would not find in any store. A knife that cuts through steel toed boots. Lithuanian language records. Combination fishing rod/compass. Unique products that even if you knew you’d never need, want, or use like a clothes iron that plugged into your car’s cigarette lighter, you were going to watch that commercial all the way through – just in case. Who knew, by the time they got to the end maybe you decided that you really did need a hand cranked camp stove that could boil water and provide the upper body workout your exercise routine was lacking. And their premiums were real premiums. Not a commercial ended before the announcer excitedly added, “And if you order now, we’ll include an ice crusher absolutely free!”

FreeToday’s late night answer to the famous towel that can hold 12 times its weight is neither not available in any store nor likely to have you waiting for the commercial’s end for any reason other than that your program is that much closer to returning. And there are no more premiums. Where did all the ice crushers go? No, now if you “order now!” what do you get? Another one of whatever they are trying to get rid of. If I don’t need one battery powered ear wax vacuum I certainly don’t need two, especially not for “free! just pay an extra fee.”

I particularly resent the copywriter who puts “free shipping,” “we’ll send you a second absolutely free,” and ” “just pay a separate fee” all in the same ad. At least if there was a shipping charge for the first I could talk myself into understanding the “separate fee” for the second, but when the first is going out with “free shipping” what first fee is there that we’re not being told about?

Okay, so now that I have gotten that out of my system perhaps the next time around I’ll update you on my kidneys. I promise, it will be free.

 

All of the Somebodies

Michael 6 Comments

Before I begin I want to say that if you’ve become accustomed to my constant comments and I’ve become inexplicably silent on your blogs, I’ve had some issue commenting. For some reason, WordPress doesn’t think I’m logged in to my account even after I log in to my account. I can post. I can “like.” I just can’t comment. Sometimes. Most of the times. But not not all of the times. I can comment on all of the people some of the time; I can comment on some of the people all of the time; but I can’t comment on all of the people all of the time. And if I haven’t been commenting on yours, you’re probably some of the all. But probably not all of the some.

And before I continue, you might have noticed over the past few weeks I hadn’t posted as often or as regularly. As regularly or as often? I’m sure it makes a difference as to which comes first but not to the world which remarkably kept spinning regardless of me posting often or regularly. Or regularly or often. Anyway, I hadn’t. I hadn’t had much to say.

I think I might have not had much to say because I hadn’t been feeling myself. This was odd because so many people I have run across the past few weeks have taken what seemed to be pains to tell me how well I looked. I’m not sure why that surprised so many. I don’t have a flesh eating bacterial infection which with maybe gross morbid obesity are the only conditions that could make one not look well. Just about anything else isn’t readily evident. Well, just about any other chronic condition. You give somebody a full blown summer cold with the sneezing and the running nose and the watery eyes and that person will look like the definition of not well for a week to 10 days. But if you saddle somebody with a chronic condition, particularly one controlled with medication or treatment, that somebody tends to look like everybody else.

I almost cringe when I see the commercials on TV for this month’s miracle cure in which the person playing the person in need of the cure looks into the camera and says with all the sincerity a poorly paid commercial actor, “but I look normal.” Well, guess what? So does everybody else. It is not only the rare diseases that masquerade as normal. I bet you couldn’t pick out of the crowd somebody with high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, COPD, or hypothyroidism.

I also almost cringe whenever I hear people use the terms “chronic disease” and “chronic illness” when what they really want to say is “this thing I have that nobody understands and took me a dozen doctors before I found one who understands it.” I can say that because I’ve probably done that. But really, if you’re going to add for special consideration or exceptional treatment because you have a “chronic illness” you better include somebody with high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol, COPD, or hypothyroidism because those are just as chronic.

But I digress. I guess I haven’t written much because I haven’t felt like myself. Don’t worry though. The world indeed will continue to spin and I’ll soon snap out of it and will be back to rambling in no time.

Until then, I think I might try to comment on this post. That should really confuse WordPress.

I’ll See That

Michael Leave a comment

Now that the airspace during our favorite television shows have been returned to consumer advertisers I can return to hating to see a commercial come on simply because it’s annoying. Given that I spent a fair amount of money on my daughter’s degree in advertising and that hopefully it will be remembered fondly when she someday selects my nursing home, I should probably be more grateful that businesses are still advertising. But that hasn’t yet stopped me from uploading a couple dozen posts that rant on about ads.

My favorite ad annoyances are fine print on television commercials and pictures of things that don’t quite look like what is being sold. Apparently in an effort to make my annoyance easier to manage, advertisers combine the two topics onto one image allowing me to create a multi-tasked rant. Yes, small print that actually says the picture is not quite what is being sold.

In a TV commercial for a mattress sale I noticed the disclaimer in small white font that said, “Mattress photographs are for illustration purposes only.” What does that mean? I hope it’s not their way of saying look at this pretty mattress and look at this great price, and if you just come into the store we will be happy to show you what mattress you really get for this price.

matressad

Car makers have been good about adding fine print to their ads for years. It’s often only a half a shade darker than the background making it effectively illegible even if it wasn’t sized smaller than a well-proportioned dust mite. In addition to disclaimers that models shown may be of a different model year than the current, that some equipment is optional, and that dealers set the actual prices, I spotted one that actually said the one pictured is nice but is roughly $13,000 more than the big numbers that you can read.

carad

I suppose those who are responsible for the fine print (aka corporate lawyers) can argue that we should be happy that they are encouraging their clients to be forthright and truthful in their advertising. But I’m willing to bet that when they submit their bills to their clients that they make sure the total due is in a pretty good sized font.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Truth in Advertising

Michael 1 Comment

One more day and it’s Election Day across America. And this post has NOTHING to do with the election. Yippee!!!

But it is about something that I discovered during the crazed advertising season that this crazed election season has turned into. And it’s something that the consumer advertisers can learn from those abhorrent televised political ads. (But the politicos can learn a thing or two from consumer advertisers so don’t think they’re going to get off without a talking to (or about).)

Did you know that there are actually specific regulations to which political ads are expected to adhere? For one thing, any small print on a political ad can’t be small. Actually it can’t be any smaller, nor in any font/background combination less contrasting, than the smallest font in the body of the ad. Can you imagine what this would mean to the legal, insurance, and new car advertising industry? No more teeny print containing the printed equivalent of a 12 page disclaimer packed into the bottom 2% of the screen, that’s what it would mean!

Another expectation of those political ads is the famous equal time provision. Whatever time is bought by Candidate A must be made available to Candidate B. And there would be no question about a broadcaster not airing either because the law states that television and radio stations must provide commercial time to presidential candidates. (These provisions address time bought by the candidates or their own campaign committees, not to the time purchased by third parties “not affiliated with any candidate.”)  Imagine how easy it would be to truly evaluate the benefits of the Chevy you’re contemplating buying if you were able to see the Ford commercial right after it.

Of course that’s all assuming that the information presented in those competing ads actually addressed factual information regarding the advertised product. And we know they do because of the truth in advertising laws out there. You would never hear a commercial for a Ford say “Don’t buy a Chevy. They can start all by themselves and run you over in your own driveway.” You’d never hear it because nobody would ever produce or air such a statement. But that’s where the politicians can take a cue from the consumer advertiseronadvertisings. Did you know that there is a regulation that a broadcaster cannot vet, edit, or refuse to air a political ad? What they get from the campaign is what they put on the air.

David Ogilvy was a wizard in advertising. In fact in 1962, Time Magazine called him “the most sought-after wizard in today’s advertising industry.” He has been called the Father of Advertising and is known for his attention to reality and his ability to persuade by carrying on a conversation with his audience. He was a pioneer in creating ads that didn’t insult the intelligence of the consumer. Unfortunately his children haven’t been following his life’s lessons whether pushing car makers or candidates.

Now that I think of it, the politicians could stand to learn that lesson also. Perhaps it’s a lesson at least one of them can sign up for on Wednesday.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

PS – Don’t forgot to vote – assuming you have some idea what you are voting for. Yes, I said “what,” not “who.” If you can’t articulate at least one cogent reason for casting your ballot other than “at least it’s not a vote for him/her/it/them” then, um, maybe it would be better if you did forget to vote.

Prior Performance

Michael Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been sitting closer to the television so I’ve been reading the small print on television ads. Just another of the benefits of getting older.

Small print is hard enough to read. On television it’s monumentally hard to read. It’s usually in white and on a light or nearly white background, small enough to qualify as fine print in a print ad, and verbose enough to be a politician while remaining on the screen for a bit less than the heartbeat of an out of shape stair climber.

If your efforts with the on-line speed reading course were successful, you actually may get the opportunity to read televised fine print. And if you do, you will find it’s not at all very informative.

Extensive research (and not at all scientific let me tell you) says that the third most popular phrase in that fine print is “past performance does not guarantee future results” or similar. (The second most common phrase is “Limited time offer, expires [sometime 8 months from now].” The most common phrase is “dramatization” and/or “actor portrayal” so you can separate fact from fiction without straining your brain while separating them.)

Past performance does not guarantee future results? Excuse me, isn’t that what you are advertising, your past performance? This is especially popular among lawyers, bankers, stock brokers, trade school placement offices, and purveyors of commemorative plates. It’s the advertising fine print equivalent of saying “not responsible for lost or stolen luggage.” Feel free to substitute “your hard earned money” for “luggage.”

Imagine what those lawyers and bankers and others would say if other advertisers blithely asked for you to buy from them while at the same time reminding you that what they are selling may or may not actually do what you are buying. For examples:

….. Orange Juice: Translation = You know us as the brand that uses nothing but fresh oranges to make our juice but your next bottle might have some juiced brussel sprouts.

…..Tires: Translation = Our tires have long been known for their ability to grip the road, resist punctures, and last thousands and thousands of miles. Unfortunately the ones we just shipped to the stores are really old retreads and bald ones at that.

…..Dishwashing liquid: Translation = You may need to use most of the bottle if you expect clean dishes.

….. Luxury SUV: Translation = Can you say Family Truckster?

….. Toilet paper: Let’s not even go there.

Past performance does not guarantee future results. You never hear airlines say that when they are talking about on-time performance. Hmmm.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Voice Activated

Michael Leave a comment

Do you have voice recognition software? I don’t. Oh, I have the thingy on my cell phone that lets me search, dial, or text verbally. But not on the computer. I’m ok with that. Living alone I almost always have something going for background noise – TV, music, even a radio now and then. I know from using the phone thingy that voice recognition is pretty good at that. It recognizes voices. But not only yours.

I can just imagine if I was drafting one of these posts and the TV was on. The final product might look like this.

—–

Do you have…the name your price tool? …Oh, I have… no cost maintenance on all remaining 2015s… that lets me… Come On Down! …But not on the computer. I’m… finger licking good. …Living alone I almost always have… erectile dysfunction. …TV, music, even a… model year end close-out. …I know from using the… attorney with the experience to win the big ones …that …The People’s Court… is pretty good at that. It recognizes… breakfast all day. …But …this is Jeopardy.

—–

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout …zero percent financing?

Drive By

Michael Leave a comment

It’s been over two years since we posted anything about people driving their cars into buildings. (See Drive Through Service, Drive Through Part Two, Drive Around Please, and Drive On.) And there is a good reason for that.  When we started that little series it was almost cute the things drivers were getting themselves into. But lately it’s been tragic.

For at least the past year there has been a car driven into a home or business at least once a week with horrible consequences. Cars, trucks, and big rigs have plowed into doctors’ offices, hairdressers, fast food restaurants, convenience stores, banks, a do-nut shop, and private homes. Each time, someone has been injured and buildings have been rendered uninhabitable. One intrusion resulted in a fatality.

Some of the collisions might have been caused by snow-covered, icy, or wet roads, but many of them happened in 70 degree, dry,calm weather.  When is wasn’t dry or calm, the drivers should have taken extra care.

So they haven’t been fun, haven’t been innocuous, haven’t even been cute. Why bring it up again? As a reminder to please be careful out there. Just because a car’s speedometer goes up to 120 mph is no reason to try and get there. Just because your phone is ringing doesn’t mean the caller won’t be there when you’re parked. And just because they zoom about in the commercials they really mean it when the put those teeny words across the bottom of the screen that say “Professional driver, do not attempt.”

Take your time, keep alert for hazards in the road, and hang around as long as you can. We want you to be reading us for a long time.

That’s what I think, How ’bout you?

Buy, Save, Repeat

Michael 2 Comments

Congratulations!  You are about to discover a sure fire way of making money at home.  No, it’s not stuffing envelopes or even the twenty-first century equivalent, sending out serial e-mails.  No, it’s not completing surveys or even the old-fashioned equivalent, convincing patsies that they can make money by giving others their opinions.  It’s not coupon clipping, rebate responding, or cyber shopping.  It’s insurance!  Specifically, auto insurance.

Lately my mailboxes, old-fashioned and new-fangled, have become repositories for solicitations to change my car insurance.  I’ve had the same insurance for over 20 years and they say that is when one should seriously consider switching.  Complacency builds and what was a bargain then can be a wallet buster now.  So I took a good look at some of the offers and discovered that there indeed was money to be saved.  In fact, there was money to be made.

Every offer had some huge savings that I was overlooking.  There were savings of $400, $450, even $500 to be had.  There were premiums as low as $19 per month.  There were offers of 75% off of what I am currently paying. It didn’t matter if it was a big company, little company, on-line only, or multi-service.  The insurance version of the name brands – Liberty Mutual, Travelers, Nationwide – were represented.  The ones nobody had ever heard of but sounding like the name brands – Safeco, National, 21st Auto – were there.  The ones with cute ads – Farmers, GEICO, Progressive – were in on it too.  Everybody wanted to save me money!  Everyone from Allstate to State Farm had cash to offer. How nice of them.

So, here is the plan.  Step one, switch to one of the low premium companies.  The best plan is to replace my current insurance with one that has a monthly premium of the low, low price of $19.  Once that’s established, trade it in for 75% savings over my now new cost for a newer, lower, lower outlay that comes out to the remarkably low, low, even lower as in less than $5 per month.  Now, switch to the dollar savings that range from $415, to $450, to $500 for a total savings of $1365.  Subtract the $5 premium payment and we net an income of $1, 360!  There are enough companies offering these fantastic savings that we can do this at least three times for a total money haul of over $4,000.  That’s a used car.  Not a very good one but a car just the same.  And where there’s a car there’s a need for car insurance.

Car insurance, – a sure fire way of making money at home.  Buy, save, repeat.  You gotta love it!

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Just About the Last Minute

Michael Leave a comment

 

It’s down to 3 (three!), 2 (two!), 1 (one!), Merry Christmas (!) and we are at the clubhouse turn.

The clubhouse is pretty appropriate here.  This year’s Real Reality of Christmas season started with “Let’s Go Clubbing” (Nov. 17, 2014).  In that post there is the outrageous suggestion that this year everyone would be consumed with cooking, baking, and decorating.  And that seemed to be a pretty fair estimate of outrageousness just as it is most every year, at least around here.  One thing it didn’t seem to be was all consumed with shopping.

Shopping was quite tempered this year from the lack of catalogs (see “The Great Annual Christmas Catalog Shopping Guide,” Dec. 15, 2014) to the lack of fellow shoppers (see “Next to the Last Minute,” Dec. 18, 2014).  We’re wondering might that be due to the lack of stuff.  It seems that every year there is more and more stuff that you only see at the holidays.  Advertisements bear this out.

Think about what you have seen recently on your television.  If it weren’t for the commercial air time between Thanksgiving and Christmas you would think nobody ever drinks liquor, sparkling wine, or pomegranate juice.  If not for those four or five weeks (and the week before Mother’s Day) jewelry stores would close.   Women’s fragrances, perfumes, and colognes appear not to be bottled except for this time of year (and that week in May).  Men’s fragrances are not even bottled this one time each year but they are dusted off and shipped to the stores who agree to build even bigger displays of the always more lucrative woman half of the couple version which are bought by the gift-clueless man half of the couple.  If the Christmas season did not exist, neither would DVD versions of “classic” movies and television shows.  And do we even have to mention Chia Pets?

In some cases it is not just the product that only appears at the end of all years.  Sometimes there are entire stores, even entire categories of stores that only show themselves during the Yule season.  In addition to the already noted jewelers, fitness equipment makers (infomercials excepted) and fitness centers, kitchen gadget specialists, and book sellers rarely make themselves known other than during this holiday period.

With all the extra time bought up by these specialties you would think that the routine advertisers might be a bit miffed.  They are, after all, missing out on a lot of chances to push their products.  Don’t worry about them.  As the number of Christmas movies and specials increase, even though there might be fewer numbers of ads for the commercial staples, the interaction between seller and sucker – err, customer – remains at least the same, if not better.  With some well-timed offerings and a new catchy jingle or two those companies will somehow manage to stay in front of the buying public until at least the Super Bowl.  There will always be enough people buying cars, beer, soup, and cell phones.

And do we even have to mention Chia Pets?

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.