Tag Christmas

Merry Christmas 2020 Style

Michael Leave a comment
 
Jesus, forgive us for being so distracted on your birthday. Much of the world seems to think we are in the midst of a great suffering. Oh, we’ve had some difficulties this year but nothing that compares with what You will suffer in 30 some odd years.  
 
Everybody wants to concentrate on the bad things that happened and forget  You gave us some good times buried in the troubles. Some people have learned to cook and bake. Some have learned to paint or sculpt. A few took up writing. Other people rediscovered books, movies, and puzzles. Through the power of electronics families got closer even as they could not travel to see each other. Those same families discovered eating together could be an event even if the meals were prepared by fancy restaurants or simple diners and delivered or picked up. And we’ve learned who the indispensable really are. 
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In that You are in the forgiveness business please try to understand that tomorrow while we should be celebrating Your big day, many of us will be complaining about something beyond our control although we won’t admit anything can possibly be beyond our control. We’ll probably stop for a few minutes before we eat, after we toast a Happy Holidays! to everybody we can think of, somebody at the table will mutter a prayer of thanks for the food before them.
 
Please don’t take too great an exception at that. There are some of us that pray a more often than that though probably not often enough, certainly not often enough but we do try. We really do. 
 
And with than in mind, allow me to say for the rest of us down here, Happy Birthday. Merry Christmas. Many happy returns. 
 
Amen.

‘Twas the Day After Christmas

Michael 1 Comment
All right everyone,  gather around over here. We off to a late start today and this stuff has to be done by opening of business tomorrow.
 
You, up on the ladder, since you didn’t bother to come down when I said to gather around you can stay up there and pull down those silver and gold streamers and the fake snowflakes and get the red ribbons and hearts up. Do we have any cupid cutouts you can hang at the end of each aisle? Good. Get those up too but not that last row. Make that one green and find the shamrocks we had up last year.
 
I need someone in the window to get Santa out of the chimney and wrap the trees up. Fine, you’ll do. After you get the fat man packed away find the most of whatever we have and make a big pile in the middle of each window and change the signs from Holiday Sale! to Year End Clearance! What? No, don’t change the prices! Are you new here?
 
Now then in the candy section, any candy canes, foil wrap bells, those Christmas packaged candies, and the prefilled stockings get loaded up into 2 or 3 shopping carts and tape a 50% off sign on the front of them. Yeah, I know last week they were 75% off. That’ll teach people to try and hold off for a better deal. So what if somebody notices. If they remember next year we can get rid of all this junk before Christmas Eve and not have to scramble like this. After you get those shelves empty there are a bunch cases of those sappy heart shaped boxes of candy that didn’t sell last year. Put them out, mark them up a third higher than whatever they were then mark the whole section 10% off.
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I need somebody to check the ad copy before it hits the emails tomorrow. It should say FLASH SALE, ONE DAY ONLY, PRICES GOOD ON ALL ITEMS* FRIDAY THROUGH TUESDAY and then in the real small letters “some exceptions apply.” Last week somebody used a readable size for that and three customers actually wanted to know what wasn’t on sale before they got to the check out lines.
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Okay then the cards and ornaments let’s make buy 1 get 19 free. I know we’ll be cutting our profit down to under 300% but we need the space for the sunblock and flip flops that we have to put out next week. What? Hmm. Yeah I know those guys down the street have their leftover gift wrap 90% off but I figure it doesn’t go stale and we’re just going to have to buy more next year. Look, most people are using gift bags for presents any way. Just stuff whatever is left in the fake chimneys when they come out of the windows and push it all to the back corner of the stock room. We’ll put them back out in October.
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You two, take this list and go through the store and anything you find that looks like a match bring to the guys in the crafts section. That’s the list of Olympic sports. Yeah it’s time for them again. I don’t know exactly, July something. Whenever they are we’re running out of time. Corporate sent some people to stencil something that looks almost like the real logo on whatever we got. We need to get started with that so we’ll be ready when we pull whatever Dads and Grads crap that didn’t sell off the shelves in April.
 
You all have your jobs to do. Any questions? New Years? Get a few bucks out of petty cash and go down to the dollar store and buy some noise makers and cardboard hats. We can set up that end caps right across from the cash registers. We can probably make a pretty penny on some last minute shoppers. Good thinking! 
 
Now let’s get out there and remember, sales sales sales! That’s the reason for the season!
 
 

“Happy Holidays,” he said.

Michael Leave a comment
In Miracle on 34th Street Santa Claus declares, “Christmas is not just a day, it’s a state of mind.”
 
I think he was absolutely right. And it’s not just Christmas. It is Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Saturnalia, or any of another dozen religious and secular holidays. The honored guest may differ but the driving force is the same in all: a celebration of life. Maybe new life, maybe preserved life, maybe life’s good health, or maybe the emergence of life. Life, common to all.
 
The fact that Christmas gets the bulk of recognition in the United States certainly colors the way Americans greet and celebrate with each other come late December. Being Americans we also go out of our way to inform the world in what somebody is sure are no uncertain words that we don’t play favorites, every one is equal, and if we wish you a Merry Christmas we really mean happy whatever you choose to celebrate today, this week, or this month.
 
Um, sorry, but no we don’t. We really mean Merry Christmas. Okay, I really mean Merry Christmas. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. You see I know how to wish a Merry Christmas to you. I don’t know how to wish you a anything else. When I wish you my Merry Christmas I wish you the peace and joy of the season. In my season that peace and joy is manifest in new life. 
 
20191222_214028Peace and joy. Because I don’t celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, although I know the words I don’t know their meanings to the celebrants of those words. But I know if they were to greet me with words customary to their celebrations that whatever the words would be there would be an underlying message of peace and joy, continued good health and a happy life. And I would be grateful for that wish.
 
Over the years the winter festivals have caused considerable consternation but have also been the source of considerable moments of peace. Even as wars raged there were moments when hostilities abated and peace fell even if not with much joy. It would be a great advancement to life if we could spend less time concentrating on the words and more time on the message.
 
Peace and joy to you however you find it, today and forever in your state of mind.
 

It’s Super! Yeah, Right.

Michael Leave a comment
Just when you thought it was safe to go back outside.
This close to Christmas with yet a weekend still ahead of us it should be a time to stay indoors and finish trimming the tree, plan the big family dinner, tune up our voices for midnight mass, and venture outside only for snowman building, sledding, and ice skating. Instead there is one last suspense filled 24 hours. Super Saturday. Also, and perhaps more appropriately known as Panic Saturday.
 
I’m sure with apologies to the National Football League but not to American consumers, Super Saturday is expected to outsell Black Friday this year as it has in most recent years, bringing retailers 60% of the years holiday sales and as much as 40% of this year’s total haul at the hands of those clutching fast melting credit and debit cards.
 
It’s hard for the young crowd to picture it but once upon a time, with the notable exceptions of Spiegel’s and Sears, people had to go to a real store to shop, those stores were closed on Sundays, and without constant flood of email reminders shopping was often a last minute activity. The Saturday before Christmas was the last chance to finish filling out the kids’ Christmas lists. So even without the commercials, banners, and full page ads those Saturdays were already super for many stores.
 
I’m not sure what to make of this year’s edition of Super Saturday. There are 3 days between Saturday and Christmas which is one more than most carriers need for 2 day delivery. Will people take that chance or will in store shopping outpace on line shopping? Will Internet shoppers take the order on line and pick up in store option? Will Saturday night bring regret over whatever choices were made.
 
Or will the collective America decide its bought enough already and spend Saturday building snowmen, sledding down a nearby hill, and falling on their behinds at the frozen over pond?
 
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Skaters
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Dear Santa

Michael 2 Comments
Not every year but often enough I’ve shared a letter to Santa here and that overgrown elf didn’t even have the decency even to reply with regrets. Just blew me off. I get it. I’m older than 6 and I asked for impossible things. You know the kind of stuff people ask for when they are putting their Christmas list on line – peace on earth, enough goodwill to choke a horse, and a good take out pizza at a decent price that feeds less than eight.
 
So this year I’m simplifying my requests. I’d still like peace on earth and goodwill to all people regardless of gender identification, but let’s scale back some of the top tier requests. For instance, Dear Santa, please bring me…
 
A phone book. Seriously, have you ever successfully looked up a phone number from the Internet. And forget about finding an address. I’m sure both are no problem if you’re willing to spend enough dollars. Oh yes, there are sites out there that claims to be free and indeed you can search for free. You just can’t find for free. But those of us old enough to remember phone books remember those days of being able to look up a name even if we couldn’t spell it absolutely correctly and find an address and phone number. That’s the sort of thing that is particularly handy when you are writing out Christmas cards and can’t make out if that’s 333, 338, 388, or 888 Easy St. and swear you’ll re-write clearer when you update your old fashioned address book for next year.
 
Easy open everything. I don’t mean just aspirin bottles. On everything. Everything! Seriously, whether it’s a flash drive, a chef’s knife, or a 10 foot retractable steel rule, it comes sandwiched between two pieces of plastic that are fused together and there is no “open here” corner. The only way in is to hack your way through the plastic vault with a machete or fire axe. That’s assuming you have a machete or fire axe that is not still sealed in its own packaging. And Santa, while you’re at it, how about those aspirin bottles too.
 
Television theme songs.  Because I miss them. You might think this is a silly request but if Santa was able to come up with pet rocks, Tamagotchi, and Tickle Me Elmo … well, silly is as silly does.
 
So that’s my list for this year Santa. There’s not much so I expect to get something this year. And while you’re at it, how about that reasonably priced pizza for one. Two large with 3 toppings for $5.95 is a great deal but come on, there’s just me here.
 
Thank you and Merry Christmas 
DearSanta

Laws of Nature, Naturally

Michael 1 Comment
There are only two things in life you have to do … die and pay taxes, hahahaha! How many of us have heard that tired line how many times? Actually one of those things you really don’t have to do. Are you tired of pledging a part of your income in taxes? As of last month there are 15 countries you can move to with no personal income tax*. Remember than the next time you feel the urge to complain about being gouged by the government. As for the dying part of the grand equation, well, yeah that is something you can put on your bucket list and be sure of accomplishing.
 
Don’t think though that because we’ve eliminated “paying taxes” on the things you must do list that we are down to a single item. There are the laws of nature that neither man nor beast can circumvent. That saying should go “there are only about 3,845 things you have to do” but I’ve often been accused of hyperbole so maybe not that many. But more than two.
 
For instance, you must march along with time. We cannot stop time and until we sign a treaty with the Vulcans sometime in the 23rd century and they share their vast knowledge of astrophysics we won’t be able to slingshot around the sun and go back in time either. However, thanks to the efforts of retail marketing experts we can expand time. Proof is that one day sales now routinely happen over a full weekend and a single day (Cyber Monday) can last a whole week and another (Black Friday) now takes up almost what was once an entire month. Although marketers have been improving the concept, the idea of time expansion is not new and was first developed by the United States government with the Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1975 which stretched paltry 24 hour celebrations of key historical events over 3 days eliminating those pesky workdays between weekends and an extra day off for the holidays that had the nerve to land on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday in certain years. 
 
An immutable law of physics is the conservation of matter which states that mass is a constant which cannot be created nor destroyed, but it can change shape or form. This is especially well documented around the holidays when the goodies on that Christmas cookie tray change from the shape of a Santa on his sleigh to the shape of your ever growing midsection. This law also governs why post New Years Resolution diets fail. You can eat all the celery you want but a pound of vegetables is still a pound and when you gobble it up that pound must be reformed into something else, most likely your waist.
 
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Some things, again most noticeable during this holiday season, seem to defy this law. It is well documented that any new set of Christmas tree lights once removed from their package and placed on the tree then removed from the tree at the end of the season expands in size and never fit into the original packaging again. If matter cannot be created from where is this excess stuff transferred? I suggest you take a look at some of the most common chocolates you fill those Christmas candy dishes with. Those pound bags of colorfully wrapped Hershey’s Kisses are steadily shrinking, this year down to a trim 11 ounces. They aren’t the only ones who suffer when lights, garland, and even extension cords outgrow their storage cartons. Even the niche traditional candies are being downsized in a heroic effort to maintain the conservation of matter. The Italian delight LaFlorentine torrone is down to boxes of 7-1/2 ounces and Terry’s chocolate oranges once a proud half pound now weigh in at a hair over 6 ounces.
 
The other constant in life may be noticed only by fathers with children getting their first bikes this Christmas but is valid year round and is not gender exclusive. That is a new law of nature, the law of actual assembly time (LAAT). This applies to all toys with the back of the box fine print “some assembly required” as well as to DIY home improvement projects and with appropriate extrapolation, to luggage retrieval times at airports with more than one gate. The LAAT states to determine the actual assembly time multiply the given estimate by 3 and adjust with an additional 5% for every tool required, known as the tool locating variable. (For luggage retrieval substitute “TSA approved lock used” for “tool required.” If locks are not TSA approved actual retrieval time approaches infinity).
 
So you see there are more absolutes than death and taxes, even in The Bahamas.
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*Countries with no personal income tax, in case you are planning a big move sometime in the future. (You probably will notice some of these places are potential paradises while others don’t get so high a AAA travel rating. Of the most desirable places what you save on taxes may end up going to buy a quart of milk. Probably another one of those absolute laws –  The Law of You Get What You Pay For.)
 
Bahamas
Bahrain 
Brunei
Cayman Islands
Kuwait 
Maldives 
Monaco
Nauru 
Oman
Qatar
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Somalia 
United Arab Emirates 
Vanuatu 
Western Sahara

Yippee Ki Yay…

Michael 7 Comments
We’ve bitten off the better part of the first week of December. That certainly makes it Christmas movie time without complaints that it’s “too early for Christmas!” Personally, I watched my first Christmas movie for this year, this year’s new favorite Christmas movie, on Thanksgiving night and I’ll watch it again at least once a week until Christmas Eve. More about that later. 
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I haven’t done a rant on what makes a Christmas movie for a few years and it’s probably time to revisit that topic lest some of you try to use the season as an excuse to pull out Die Hard from your old VHS library. Yes, there is a Christmas tree in the ball room or whatever that room was supposed to be. If it was the company’s reception area that was the grandest display of corporate opulence even by movie standards. Anyway, the presence of a Christmas tree is not the defining factor of what makes a Christmas movie, otherwise The Poseidon Adventure, Gremlins, and Eyes Wide Shut would be experiencing revivals at your local Bijou every December. 
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Along with characters and plot, movies have to have a setting. Even if it’s an indeterminate long ago and far away they take place at some time in some place. Sometimes the some time is around Christmas. The Shop Around the Corner (which grew up to become You’ve Got Mail) and Untamed Heart are two movies that spend a lot of time around Christmas yet neither identifies as a Christmas movie. The production companies, distributors, and audiences recognize them as love stories and if some scenes have a Christmas tree it is just creating a believable setting. 
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Every once in a while things get more than a little confusing in that regard. In 1947 George Haigt, and Robert Montgomery, and MGM Studios teamed up to present Lady in the Lake, a Steve Fisher adaptation of Raymond Chandler’s 1943 novel of the same name featuring private detective Philip Marlowe. Movies don’t often mimic the books from which they are adapted, in fact you can say they rarely are on the same page. Chandler’s readers were probably confused right from the opening credits of the movie which were presented in a series of Christmas cards with popular Christmas carols providing the background music. Throughout the movie, Christmas trees and wreaths are prominently displayed, holiday greetings are offered and returned, the season is toasted, gifts are exchanged, and one scene opens with a recitation of Dickens “A Christmas Carol” playing on the radio. All from a book whose action takes place entirely in mid-summer in a movie that was released in late January. Christmas movie? Um, no.
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But fear not Christmas movie lovers, there are scads of films, old standbys and newer releases, that will transform the Scroogiest viewers into holly, jolly revelers without ambiguity – movies that add punch to any nog and present their presents wrapped in bows and delivered with care. Everyone has a favorite and every favorite has an ardent following. Yours may be a classic in black and white or an animated interpretation of a classic tale. It could be a big budget musical or an independent dark horse. It’s your favorite because you identify with a character or are reminded of an event every time you hear the title song. Or perhaps it offers a dream holiday you know you will not experience in your own life. Or, like my current favorite, offers an experience almost exactly like my own life.
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I say my current favorite because like children there can be no real favorite among Christmas movies. The favorite is the one making you smile today or remember yesterday, the one encouraging a perfect alternative to an imperfect world and providing an escape from the ordinary. My current favorite is full of imperfections. Imperfect characters making imperfect plans, and ordinary people doing ordinary holiday things while dealing with ordinary year long problems. With all that mediocrity come the glimpses of joy and the fleeting feelings of fun that accompany real people living real lives. Before the closing credits roll you are smiling at them and yourself and ready to get back to whatever is next on your to do list only now you do it with that song running through your head. And not annoyingly.
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My current favorite Christmas movie for this year is Love the Coopers. It’s so unmovielike! It asks you to suspend very little disbelief and quite believably could be about any family, including mine. You want to give them all back but you can’t because you love them so dearly. Love the Coopers, I think it needs a comma but Steven Rogers didn’t and it’s his story so I guess he should know. Maybe it’s more commanding that way. Or maybe it’s supposed to be just a little ambiguous. Just like us.
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Merry Early Christmas!
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Vieni a festeggiare con la Befana

Michael 3 Comments

Just another couple days and children will be checking to see if they get sweets or coal in their stockings hung by the chimney with care.

Wait. What? Did I miss the last couple weeks? Nope, I’m right on time to prepare for La Befana’s annual visit as she searches for the Christ Child.

The Italian legend of la Befana dates to the eighth century. The story goes the Three Wise Men were on their way to Bethlehem when they stopped to rest at la Befana’s. They told her of their quest and asked if she wanted to join them. She answered that she had much work to do and could not take the time then went back to sweeping her cottage. The next morning she changed her mind but the Magi had already left. Still clutching her broom she packed up sweets for the Christ Child and set out after them. Although the Wise Men ultimately found Jesus in the stable, la Befana was not able to catch up with them and never had the chance to present her gifts. She stopped at every house she passed distributing the gifts she packed hoping one of the children was the baby Jesus of whom the Wise Men spoke.

labefanaLa Befana traditionally is pictured with her broom and a shawl sometimes blackened with soot from cleaning the hearths where she leaves her gifts, sometimes in colorful patches to commemorate the gilded cloths the Wise Men wore. The basket she carries contains sweets and books for the good and coal and garlic for the naughty. She takes up her search every year on January 5, the eve of the Epiphany which then ends the Christmas season.

So if you are also still in your Christmas spirit you can join la Befana in her search this Saturday. Be sure to grab a broom and have some candy and coal ready.

Buona Festa!