Laws of Nature, Naturally

December 12, 2019Michael 1 Comment

There are only two things in life you have to do … die and pay taxes, hahahaha! How many of us have heard that tired line how many times? Actually one of those things you really don’t have to do. Are you tired of pledging a part of your income in taxes? As of last month there are 15 countries you can move to with no personal income tax*. Remember than the next time you feel the urge to complain about being gouged by the government. As for the dying part of the grand equation, well, yeah that is something you can put on your bucket list and be sure of accomplishing.

Don’t think though that because we’ve eliminated “paying taxes” on the things you must do list that we are down to a single item. There are the laws of nature that neither man nor beast can circumvent. That saying should go “there are only about 3,845 things you have to do” but I’ve often been accused of hyperbole so maybe not that many. But more than two.

For instance, you must march along with time. We cannot stop time and until we sign a treaty with the Vulcans sometime in the 23rd century and they share their vast knowledge of astrophysics we won’t be able to slingshot around the sun and go back in time either. However, thanks to the efforts of retail marketing experts we can expand time. Proof is that one day sales now routinely happen over a full weekend and a single day (Cyber Monday) can last a whole week and another (Black Friday) now takes up almost what was once an entire month. Although marketers have been improving the concept, the idea of time expansion is not new and was first developed by the United States government with the Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1975 which stretched paltry 24 hour celebrations of key historical events over 3 days eliminating those pesky workdays between weekends and an extra day off for the holidays that had the nerve to land on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday in certain years.

An immutable law of physics is the conservation of matter which states that mass is a constant which cannot be created nor destroyed, but it can change shape or form. This is especially well documented around the holidays when the goodies on that Christmas cookie tray change from the shape of a Santa on his sleigh to the shape of your ever growing midsection. This law also governs why post New Years Resolution diets fail. You can eat all the celery you want but a pound of vegetables is still a pound and when you gobble it up that pound must be reformed into something else, most likely your waist.

Some things, again most noticeable during this holiday season, seem to defy this law. It is well documented that any new set of Christmas tree lights once removed from their package and placed on the tree then removed from the tree at the end of the season expands in size and never fit into the original packaging again. If matter cannot be created from where is this excess stuff transferred? I suggest you take a look at some of the most common chocolates you fill those Christmas candy dishes with. Those pound bags of colorfully wrapped Hershey’s Kisses are steadily shrinking, this year down to a trim 11 ounces. They aren’t the only ones who suffer when lights, garland, and even extension cords outgrow their storage cartons. Even the niche traditional candies are being downsized in a heroic effort to maintain the conservation of matter. The Italian delight LaFlorentine torrone is down to boxes of 7-1/2 ounces and Terry’s chocolate oranges once a proud half pound now weigh in at a hair over 6 ounces.

The other constant in life may be noticed only by fathers with children getting their first bikes this Christmas but is valid year round and is not gender exclusive. That is a new law of nature, the law of actual assembly time (LAAT). This applies to all toys with the back of the box fine print “some assembly required” as well as to DIY home improvement projects and with appropriate extrapolation, to luggage retrieval times at airports with more than one gate. The LAAT states to determine the actual assembly time multiply the given estimate by 3 and adjust with an additional 5% for every tool required, known as the tool locating variable. (For luggage retrieval substitute “TSA approved lock used” for “tool required.” If locks are not TSA approved actual retrieval time approaches infinity).

So you see there are more absolutes than death and taxes, even in The Bahamas.

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*Countries with no personal income tax, in case you are planning a big move sometime in the future. (You probably will notice some of these places are potential paradises while others don’t get so high a AAA travel rating. Of the most desirable places what you save on taxes may end up going to buy a quart of milk. Probably another one of those absolute laws – The Law of You Get What You Pay For.)

Bahamas

Bahrain

Brunei

Cayman Islands

Kuwait

Maldives

Monaco

Nauru

Oman

Qatar

Saint Kitts and Nevis

Somalia

United Arab Emirates

Vanuatu

Western Sahara

Don’t Wait for the Movie

December 13, 2018Michael 2 Comments

The people at My Recipes put out their Christmas Cookie Christmas Movie pairings this week. The question why do we need to pair things notwithstanding, nor the other question why are these mostly just different shapes of sugar cookies neitherwithstanding, we really need to address, like as in once and for all dammit, is “Die Hard” a Christmas movie? Let me say, I like Die Hard. I even like its four sequels (and there aren’t a lot of people who can say that). But “Die Hard” is no more a Christmas movie even though it takes place on Christmas Eve yet was released in July, any more than “Die Hard 2” is a Christmas movie even though it also takes place on Christmas Eve yet also was released in July. Why doesn’t anybody ever argue to include “Die Hard 2” in the Christmas movie debate? You actually get more of a sense of at least winter in “Die Hard 2” than in “Die Hard” but it just hangs out there with all the other movies set at Christmas time that nobody willy-nilly-y sticks in the Christmas movie category.

For instance, when did you last hear an argument for including “The Poseidon Adventure” among Christmas movies. At least on the boat they made use of the Christmas tree. Technically “The Poseidon Adventure” and its sequel “Beyond the Poseidon Adventure” were set on New Year’s Eve and Day, but still. A Christmas Tree. As a ladder. Really. Now that’s Christmas don’t you think?

“Three Days of the Condor” didn’t have anybody climbing a Christmas tree but Good King Wenceslas and Silver Bells are unmistakable on the soundtrack. Like “Die Hard 2” it is clearly cold and snowy out there and wherever Robert Redford and Faye Dunaway go, Christmas decor is in full swing. The movie is based on the novel “Six Days of the Condor.” Nobody ever explained where those other three days went but I bet you’ll find them in somebody’s stocking hanging by the chimney with care.

The Oscar winning “The Apartment” starring Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine is so filled with Christmas images there is even a scene with people decorating their Christmas tree. So what if the plot has nothing to do with the holiday. By the “Die Hard” measuring stick, “The Apartment” decks the halls more than many modern “real” Christmas movies. If you haven’t seen this classic give yourself an early Christmas present or late Hanukkah present or whatever present getting holiday you celebrate and put a copy of this movie on your TV screen now! Spoiler alert, nobody is going to mistake Jack Lemmon’s bosses for the Wise Men.

And how can we leave “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” out of the discussion. George Lazemby’s only portrayal of the venerable Bond, James Bond portrayed him in pre-Christmas Switzerland rescuing the world from biological weapons released by 12 unsuspecting women who go home for the holiday from the villain Ernst Stavros Blofeld’s allergy treating institute. And yet nobody considers that a Christmas movie. Tsk, tsk!

GMan On the other side of the ledger, “You’ve Got Mail” and its grandmovie inspiration “The Shop Around the Corner” are probably the most Christmas centric movies that never get credit for being Christmas movies. The story of two people who cannot stand each other’s’ physical beings but are head over heels over the inner selves they anonymously reveal in letters between pen pals (in 1940) and by email (when we get to 1998) culminates on Christmas Eve with each pair expressing their love for the people they really are, not the people they thought they knew. That’s the spirit Christmas.

Proof several times over that just taking place in late December is not enough to propel a movie into the ranks of Christmas fare. Maybe if we culled the chaff we can get some movies that really do capture the spirit of Christmas back in the theaters this time of the year.

For the record, My Recipes paired “Die Hard” with Snickerdoodles. Apparently we’re going to have to begin the discussion what constitutes a Christmas cookie.

How Live Is It?

December 2, 2013Michael 1 Comment

Two years we began the debate between live and artificial trees. We liked it so well we repeated it last year. (See “Is It Live or…” Nov. 28, 2011 in Life.) Little did we know there was a third choice.

On last week’s television show “The Shark Tank” a budding entrepreneur presented a business opportunity of renting live, potted Christmas trees. They are delivered to the tree-wanter a few weeks before Christmas and picked up shortly after the holiday. It seemed like an interesting idea even if it was available only to California Christmas celebrators and deserved some investigation. But first, let’s see what we’ve traditionally had available for our holiday arbor traditions … traditionally spoken.

He of We has a couple of artificial trees to spread about his house. One very large tree runs to the top of the high vaulted ceiling of its chosen room, another shorter one does its thing in the low ceilinged part of the house. Neither would be mistaken for a live tree, with or without a pot, but they do their thing with gusto and when painstakingly decorated provide the necessary merriment for the season. The big one looks fairly realistic and for the $300 original price tag it should. He being frugal bought it after Christmas many years ago and dropped quite a bit less than $100 on it. His diluted annual investment distributed over 15 years is about five tree dollars per tree year. She of We has an artificial tree that looks more live than pretend, fills her bay window from top to bottom and side to side, and when decorated with her all glass ornaments looks like a million bucks although her diluted annual tree cost is about the same.

Last week the “live” tree lots around here opened and fresh cut trees (fresh is their word) run from $29 to $59 depending on variety and size. You could also opt for one sold by one of the local volunteer fire companies and with delivery sometimes included, sometimes extra, but almost always available. If you think more is better there are even mail order tree farms that will ship you a fresh cut (fresh is their word) for about twice what you would pay if you went to a local lot and strapped your selection to your own car/van/SUV/crossover roof. Stick with the locals and your annual tree cost after agreeing to a live wreath and some live garland gets to about 85 tree dollars.

There are clearly no shortages of trees for the holidays whether boxed and pre-lit or chopped from somewhere around our neck of the woods for our neck of the woods. You can even do your own chopping if you like. Chopping comes at a premium starting at about $50 and then priced extra per foot for trees over 5 feet. We hear it’s good exercise. Wreaths, garland, door swags, cider, eggnog, and bandages are extra.

Now let’s get back to these potted living trees that give new meaning to the word live when associated with Christmas trees and December. He did a quick search on the Internet and found said entrepreneur who is festooning California with potted plants for the holidays. He also found several others. Of course since they rely on local delivery and pick up if you aren’t fortunate enough to live in California or Oregon where the tree potters thrive, you’ll miss out on trying to keep a live tree living throughout the season. Checking out the prices of these living trees he found them somewhere between those on the local lots and the new in the box. An average price for an average tree seemed to be about $100 with about another $50 to get it to and from. That clearly is the most expensive yearly outlay for your tree dollars but it’s your holiday bonus and you can spend it however you like.

So the question is no longer “Is It Live,” but “How Live Is It.” It’s not a bad idea and there are probably more places around the country than just the few that made Internet history. Now with three choices our warnings from years past still go. Don‘t be a newscast waiting to happen. Decorate safely, don’t overload your circuits, and may the only smoke anyone should see on Christmas Eve is that from the stump of the pipe held in Santa’s teeth while encircling his head just like a wreath.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?