Tag Christmas Cards

Being Glitterati

Michael 2 Comments

The dozen or so Christmas cards I’ve gotten so far are bad for my health. All but one of them is glittery. Glitter. I still shudder at glitter. (You do remember that glitter is even stronger than loofah, don’t you?)

I’m sorry, I just don’t like glitter. I willingly accept it has its places- the inside of a snow globe, the Barbie section at whatever theme park owns her rights (its rights?), strip clubs – and glitter isn’t the only reason I try to avoid those places, but it certainly doesn’t enhance them for me.

What’s become majorly disconcerting is now either due to age (apologies to optimists the world over, but no, it’s not just a number, 7 is just a number), health, or drug to maintain health, it’s not unusual for me to experience a fine tremor in my hands. Do you know what happens to a glitter gilded card when the cover of the card in all its glittery glory is scraped against the inside of the envelope while being withdrawn in a motion usually used with very fine sandpaper?

My usual mail opening spot is at the dining room table and with my newly lost manual stability my dining room table is now the perfect spot for a 21st century disco opening, for very tiny dancers.

Glitter.pngI’m not sure how I became a glitter magnet but I am. I can’t even drive past a Pat Catan’s or Michael’s without the stuff flying off the shelves, out to parking lot, through the car vent, and forever attached to me. It won’t wipe off, rub off, wash off, or as previously noted loofah off. Typically it wears off  8 to 12 weeks after bonding, so as long as I can stay out of glitter’s way on New Year’s Eve and Ground Hog Day I should be glitter free by St. Patrick’s Day and just in time for green glittered shamrock headbands.

The FDA recently issued a glitter alert. Don’t eat non-edible glitter. That’s pretty obvious yet apparently enough people eat non-edible glitter to warrant a warning. And those are people who have choices. I’m sure Hallmark isn’t using edible glitter on its greetings. I’m being glitter dusted across my eating space and not even given a choice!

So if you care for my health, when you slip my card into its envelope please scrape off the glitter. I’ll still recognize you for your sparkling addition to my holiday mood.

Second Class, All The Way

Michael 1 Comment

It was during the first week of November this year.  That’s when He’s mailbox saw its first Christmas card.  Just like other years it was from a fund-raising organization.  And just like other years it was indeed a real Christmas card.  Unlike other years it came seven weeks before Christmas – impressively early even by fundraiser standards.

We like Christmas cards here.  They’ve been bought and counted and soon will be signed.  Most will get a hand written note scrawled inside it.  They will be addressed and stamped and put out for the mailperson.  Not as many as in years past but all to the best of recipients.  The most deserving.  The crème de la crème. But none of that just yet.  Not until sometime after Thanksgiving, probably a couple of weeks into December.  Even at Christmas mail only takes a couple or three days to get just about anywhere.  That’s real First Class service.

And that reminds us…back in the day when our parents were sending out Christmas cards there was Second Class mail in the US.  What ever happened to it?   Way back then one could send a card or letter by second class mail.  It seemed the only requirement was that the correspondence could not be sealed.  In exchange for the risk of just about anybody reading your mail (not unlike a postcard), postage was a penny less than First Class mail.  That was when First Class mail was something like six cents.  Today’s USPS rate sheet doesn’t even include the words Second Class but there is something called First Class for Businesses that’s cheaper than retail (read “real people”) Frist Class at 38 cents versus 49 cents.  Hmmm.  We wonder.

Somewhere along the way the post office lost its way a bit.  They’ve lost their share of mail also but that’s not the point here.  It seems to us that whether its 49 cents or 38 cents or $5.75 (that’s for Priority Mail), it’s still a deal to get a letter to any address in the country.  The other guys charge at least $13.50 for two day service and they lose packages also.  Back to the post office, it has lost its way a bit.  Between some late deliveries and salary issues, and whether to deliver or not deliver on Saturday and the general ineptitude that comes from any government agency (they say they aren’t but they really are), some people are losing faith in the service.  But every year around this time more people are planning on counting on the USPS to send their Christmas greetings to the masses.  Not by e-mail, not by text, and certainly not at $13.50 a piece.  Nope, those cards and letters are going by the old stand-by, the post office.

Most of them will go out sometime after Thanksgiving, probably a couple of weeks into December.  With their flaps seals shut.  First Class.  All the way.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Who’s Naughty, Who’s Nice

Michael Leave a comment

It’s worked for the man in red since he hitched his sleigh to his first magic reindeer.  It’s that famous list.  Who’s naughty?  Who’s nice?  We’ve borrowed that idea.   No, not for who gets coal in their stocking and who gets gift cards.  We’ve taken the big guy’s concept and applied it to our most important holiday list.  Who gets a card, and within that group, who gets what card? 

Actually, Santa has it easy.  You’re good, you make the grade.  You’re bad, better luck next year.  It seems to work for him.  We’re a bit more discriminating.    You see, there are actually two lists.

List #1 is the big one, the discriminator, THE list.  Who’s on and who’s off.   Didn’t talk to us at all last year – no calls, no stop overs, no Friday night dinners?  You’re naughty.  (Exceptions made for Aunt Whatshername in Minnesota.)  Brought out a cup of hot chocolate when you saw us waiting for the AAA a quarter mile from home?  You’re nice.  Used to be a couple last year and aren’t this year and you’re the reason?  You’re naughty.  For life!  Used to be a couple last year and aren’t this year because who used to be the better half turned out as bad as everyone else knew?  You’re nice.  Clueless, but nice.  Haven’t talked to us in 14 years and suddenly you start calling  and inviting us to your club for lunch right after you saw in the paper we hit the lottery?  You’re naughty and so are your children.   And so we continue through last year’s lists separating the nice from the caught, the haughty, and the generally naughty.

List #2 is where we recognize the nicest of the nice.  That’s the Good Cards List.  These are the people for whom we care enough to send the best.  These are the truest allies, the closest relatives, the genuine friends. These are the people you think of when considering which Christmas card sparkling with glitter, rich with real parchment, and with a verse that says exactly what you want to say, will convey that nice has its privileges.  Requires extra postage?  No problem.  If you’ve made the nice half of this list you’re worth it!  Who’s on the other side?  Those not naughty enough to be banished entirely from this season’s greetings but not A-List worthy.  They get the previous year’s end of season special at the dollar store – 4 boxes for a buck, matching envelopes maybe.  These are the relatives 3 states away you keep on your list only because they keep sending to you.  (Exceptions made for Aunt Whatshername in Minnesota.)  These are the neighbors who didn’t call the police after that unfortunate incident at the fish fry with the hot oil and the pile of dry leaves.  These are for the paper carrier (who made the list just because of the entertaining holiday letter but that was a different post).

Naughty or nice?  It’s a powerful responsibility.  Use it wisely.  Face it, at $4.59 a pop you can’t care enough to send the best to everyone!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?