Number Please

Something the pandemic and its quarantines, closures, restrictions, and general craziness did not change for me is banking. Like many I rarely go to the bank, often carry no cash. I’ve been in that habit though for years. I was a direct deposit pioneer. The last time I saw an actual pay check was in the 1978. Maybe 77. It’s been almost as long since I’ve written an actual check. Housing or car payments were auto-drafted as we called it in the 80s since the 80s. Other payments went on automatic by the end of the 1900s. Over the last 20 years I’ve been inside a bank maybe once a year and have not written a check or used any other non electronic payment for a monthly bill, except one. Ugh! And this year’s trip to the bank?  Double Ugh!
 
For some reason my prescription drug plan does not have a working on line bill paying option. They claim to have one. Their website menu has an option for one. The monthly paperless statement even includes a link to one. Lies! All lies!  Well … Perhaps semi-lies. They have the option but not a working option. When I am lucky(?) enough to speak with a support someone about it I am told the system is down (indeed it is)  but will be available again soon (it never is)  and I am left with the choice of either “pay by phone” or write a check. I detest phone paying services but I destester sending a check. Actually not so much the sending as the remembering to send a check early enough that it gets to them by the due date. 
 
Pay by phone services have not improved since their days as the darlings of paperless payment service in the 1990s. The problem with pay by phone is that you do not have the option to enter a number and review it for accuracy before “sending” it. Each press of a button seals its fate as part of your entry. And there are a lot of numbers. Account number, the famous SSN last four, ZIP Code, payment type, payment account numbers, payment amount, and the *, #, $, and / in between (or not). An incorrect push of any button sends you back to the beginning.  Let’s not forget the “Press1 for Yes, 2 for No” between each entry. Ugh.  
 
They may have regressed when they instituted voice non-recognition. Oh, they can tell the difference between a letter “O” and the number “0” a long a you call “0” zero. Often you have to wait for the entire question before saying your answer even when the question is “If this is correct say yes, if it is not say no” which is asked after every entry. Say yes too soon and you’re back at the beginning again. Then there is the annoying habit of switching to keypad entries at random points of the call. Ugh. 
 
Unlike computer or app payment services, there is no written confirmation of the transaction to either email or messages. In its place is the Confirmation  Number that could be 10 digits, maybe 15, possibly 25, spoken either very slowly with options to repeat it or at the speed of the world’s first talker once and then it disconnects. Ugh. 
 
Next year I’m doing auto-pay!
 
Now that bank story. Oh, maybe we’ll save it for another day. 
 
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Join the Club

Last week was special for me. I got mail, real USPS delivered mail that wasn’t addressed to “occupant,” wasn’t a bill, and didn’t include a detailed accounting of all medical procedures from the previous month. Oh, and it wasn’t a Christmas card either although we’re getting to that time when all the businesses I deal with send their cards out. After those come the cards from real people. But I digress. But that’s not unusual.

So, back to my tale, the mail came and therein was an envelope and within was a check. Not a bill. A check! Somebody was giving me money! It wasn’t a lot but it was mine. Coming to me. Income, not outlay. I felt so special. I practically beamed!

Now to be perfectly honest, this wasn’t anything unheard of. It happened before. In fact, it usually happens about once a year. The check in question was a disbursement from my insurance company. (Home and auto, not health or life. Those guys never give anything back. Well, technically life insurance does, but it’s usually too late to be much use.) Usually around this time each year I get a little check from the insurance company that reflects something they saved because they had fewer claims than they expected or some such thing. I don’t understand. I just spend. It’s like a Christmas Club.

ChristmasBankAh ha! Now we get to the heart of this post. Christmas Clubs. Do they even still exist. Those of you under 40 may have to find an even older adult to explain Christmas Clubs, right along with Broken Records. To be fair to the financial institutions of America, most credit unions still offer Christmas Clubs although Vacation Clubs are by far more popular. But neither have the favor they did before the credit card explosion of the early 1970s.

So when I opened the mail that day last week and pulled out that little check, my first thought was, “Wow, just like a Christmas Club.” My second thought was, “Wow, just like a Christmas Club.” My third thought was, “Okay, now you’re sounding like a broken record.”

And then I went out and spent.