Tag Cable Bill

The Big Data Conspiracy Theory

Michael 2 Comments
I don’t understand technology. That’s no great revelation, I’ve said that here before. I’m not even sure I know how radio works. Just because I don’t understand technology doesn’t mean I don’t use it. I’m not at all anti-technology. I stream. I go nowhere without phone, tablet, or both. I use an in-store point of sale app to grocery shop. Heck, I even have Alexa running a big chunk of my life. But I don’t know what it takes to run any of those and I am certain my lack of basic understanding of what makes the electronic world go ’round is making me a sitting duck for the newest exploiters of America’s other 99%ers.  No, not the scammers or phishers or even the identity thieves. I’m talking about the legal systematic efforts to separate us from out hard earned middle class money. That’s right, I’m a victim of Big Data. 
 
It started when I got my “cable” bill for this month. “Cable” is in “quotes” because I’m not buying “cable” as in cable TV but I am forced to use the cable company for my internet access. Yes, I said, and I mean forced. Where I live there is literally only one source of access to the internet world and that is the cable company. Although there are multiple providers in the general area, the buildings where I live are all pre-wired and restricted to one wired source and satellite dishes are not permitted. If you want cable, land phone, or internet service you get one option which I guess by definition isn’t actually an option. But I digress.
 
It started when I got my cable bill for this month. Less than a year ago I was being charged $69 a month by this proivider for both my internet and cell phone. This month that total turned into $101. Plus tax. Naturally when a bill increases 50% (okay $3 shy of 50%, so sue me for misrepresenting) I intend to look into it. Here is an actual transcript, or as close as I remember, of that call.
 
Me (after 4 minutes of pressing 4,1,3,5 to get to the right submenu, then entering my account number, phone number, and last four of social security number and listening to repeated assurances that my call is important): So even though I just entered all that you want me to tell you again my account number, phone number, and last four of my social security number? 
 
Unhelpful Service Representative: Yes, so we can verify you are who are. 
 
Me: I am, trust me. Nobody else wants to be me.
 
USR:
 
Me: Okay (and I repeat the information)
 
USR: Thank you for calling Big Data. How may I be of assistance? 
 
Me: By explaining why my bill went up. 
 
USR: Certainly, can I please have your account number?
 
Me: As far as I know it’s the same one I just gave you.
 
USR: I’m sorry sir but for your protection I must verify your account before we can proceed.
 
Me:
 
USR:
 
Me: (repeats number)
 
USR: I see you have the Super Savor with a billion gigalogs of data per billing period with upload and down load speeds guaranteed to be 100 pterodactyls and generating a force field of 30 cubits by 30 cubits by 40 cubits when Mars is in conjunction with M&Ms and our basic virus protection package.
 
Me: Ah
 
USR: I also see you are using your own router/modem, is that still accurate?
 
Me: You mean the box the wire from the wall goes to?
 
USR: Yes sir, the Analytics 1000 with multichannel green and red flashing lights pulsing in time with the bass line of “White Room” by Cream. 
 
Me: Ah
 
USR: And that includes cell service with by the gig data.
 
Me: So why did the bill go up so much? Actually, scrap that. Let’s make the question can it go back down?
 
USR: I would be happy to review your use patterns and see if we have a different package that can still serve your needs.
 
Me: Thank you.
 
USR: Let’s see how you use your data. Would you be interested in upgrading to our Premium Plan with 612 channels, 512 which are basically duplicates of each other, local news, sports, and premium content from 17 movie channels showing the same movies from 4 years ago that were never actually released to theaters?
 
Me: No, I just want internet and cell phone. 
 
USR: Then you want the Super Savor with a billion gigalogs of data per billing period with upload and down load speeds guaranteed to be 100 pterodactyls and generating a force field…
 
Me: Wait! Isn’t that what I have now?
 
USR: Yes, and whoever selected this plan for you was right on the money because I can see from your history that you have never called to complain about the speed or performance of this plan.
 
Me: Right. Perhaps there is an option with less pterodactyls?
 
USR: That would be our Jurassic Plan but it’s not available ala carte.
 
Me:
 
USR: However I could upgrade you to the Super Duper Savor which will double your download speeds for a better gaming experience at only $150 a month for first 3 months with a 17 year contract.
 
Me: I’m not game. 
 
USR: We would throw in our own Analytics 5200 modem free of charge for only $10 a month extra.
 
Me: If it’s free why is it $10 a month?
 
USR: Or we could upgrade your phone with the newest 5G equipment at only $24 additional per month for 60 months or until you upgrade to something even more expensive. You could be one of the first to experience the power of 5G when we eventually make it available. 
..
Me: Since you brought up cell phone what is the new $12 charge on my bill. I thought cell service was included.
..
USR: It is sir. The $12 is for the first gig of data.
..
Me: But the first 100 meg is free.
..
U.SR: We found that was sufficient for many people to do no more than a quick check at a map or to upload a picture or two but you couldn’t connect to anybody in a significant way so that has been phased out. Now you can stay connected with calls, texts and social media anywhere you are lucky enough to have clear service. We can switch your plan to an unlimited data plan for less than you would expect.
..
Me: Can I get just internet and cell phone for cheaper than what I’m paying for now?
..
USR: After reviewing your current and past trends and future predictions I would have to say no. But thank you for calling and remember, with Big Data, you get what you pay for!
 
Automated Voice: Thank you for calling Big Data. Please remain on the line to answer a few dozen questions about your experience today. Remember, with Big…
 
Me: (click) 
 
.
 
bigdata
 

Remotely Technological

Michael 3 Comments

If I had to describe myself I would avoid it. But if I couldn’t, depending on the context, I would say I am a technologically aware luddite. I’m not anti-progress, I’m just don’t care about it. Actually, most other things I care about more. Work had the necessary bells and whistles. Home had bells. And whistles. And too many of them sometimes.

I wouldn’t be the first to say we’re advancing in the wrong direction. Take a look at your wrist. If it’s not there, on the wrist of somebody you know is a smart watch doing all the things Dick Tracy’s did in the 40s looking remarkable like what Kojak wore in the 70s. In fact, if you’ve got a spare $500 laying around, you can get a brand new Dick Tracy watch.

I don’t. But what I do have laying around is a new remote that might finally be progressing to where I suggested they go six years ago. Look at the remote on the left. Ignoring those 4 shortcut buttons toward the bottom, there are only 10 buttons on it. That’s the voice remote for my Roku Stick.

Remotes

Compare that the to the voice remote for my cable with its 39 buttons which is actually 14 buttons less than the cable remote that sparked my post six years ago. Eventually we might get to power, volume, and the one that looks like a cross.

Oh, I didn’t get the more slender if not more fashion forward remote to join the entertainment streaming masses here in the 21st century. I just got tired spending $130 for cable. Like I said (as I said?), I’m not anti-progress. But I can be cheap.

Entertainment on Demand

Michael Leave a comment

January is half over and we’re still working on our respective home budgets for this year.  Oh, they’ve been done for months but during that time everything we buy from applesauce to Zagnuts has gone up thus requiring, as Congress would say, a re-opening of the spending plan.

Some things you just can’t do without.  Electricity, water, sewage, and gas come to mind.  Somebody somewhere is saying they do quite well with wood burners, wells, and a septic tank.  Congratulations.  Feel free to spend what you’ve saved on Riddx.  But as we were saying, some things you can’t do without.  Fortunately, these utilities are basically on demand.  You probably pay a minor monthly line charge on all of them but the bulk of the bill is based on usage.  Turn your lights off when you’re not in the room and your electric bill goes down.  You pay for what you use.  Just about everything is like that.  You pay for the groceries you buy to eat.  You pay for the water you run through your taps.  You pay for the clothes you’re planning to wear.  If you want to save, you buy less.  If you’re feeling generous to yourself, you buy more.  All except one.

The cable bill.  What is it about television that has us held hostage to hundreds of dollars a month whether we use it or not.  And don’t think you’re getting away with anything if you have satellite instead of cable.  It’s the same thing.  So are the movie services like Netflix and Hulu.  Every month someone is sucking money out of our checking accounts for services we may or may not have used.  Sort of like “just in case” we want to watch the news, a hockey game, or a re-run of Gilligan’s Island.

Our cable bills are more each month than our electric, gas, water, and sewage combined.  Is this right?  Even when you pare away the “basic plus” channels, the movie channels, and the special packages the bill for entertaining oneself is ridiculously high.  And there’s nothing we can do about it.  We could eliminate cable altogether and if we could find a store that still sells antennae we’d lose most local sports, all but 25 year old movies, and get to watch the local news with two shadow figures.  Losing Gilligan’s Island might be the only good thing that would come of that.

We think there should be a meter on the television just like on the water line.  If you watch something you pay for the time you’re watching.  If you instead are relishing in a hot shower you pay for the water you use.  Then you can have a glass of that wine you bought with the intention of drinking, sit in your comfy chair with a reading lamp turned on and being paid for while reading the book you purchased just for that purpose.  All without the cable company sticking its hand in your checking account.

That’s what we call on demand!

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?