Tag Behavior

Does this sweater make me look fat?

Michael Leave a comment

You have one more week to plan for it. National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day is next Friday, December 18. Those of you in a different nation do not fret. Even though titled “National,” the Ugly Christmas Sweater Day event is celebrated the third Friday of December worldwide.

Celebrate is certainly appropriate. Only in its fifth official unofficial year it has sparked a national 5K run benefitting Save the Children and a once a year excuse to wear something comfortable to work.

I think it’s your basic tons of fun (or kilograms of cool for those metrically inclined). But this is from someone who used to wear a tux, top hat, and groundhog lapel plush to work every February 2. Wearing a brightly (and sometimes lighted) pullover to work is almost conservative dress.

What I don’t understand is why we insist on calling it an “Ugly Christmas Sweater?” They may be loudly colored, gaudily patterned, and outrageously unflattering but that doesn’t make them ugly. Indeed, ugly and Christmas are two words that just don’t go together.

Not at all. Not at all indeed.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Writing on the Walls

Michael 1 Comment

I love Christmas time. It’s the craft shows. I admit it, I’m a sucker for craft shows and craft shows multiply at Christmas time like nobody’s business while making somebody some pretty good business. Not being terribly creative I appreciate those who can make things out of the whole cloth, especially the ones who use wood. I ooh and ahh over the wreaths and the glassware, the etchings and the paintwork.  But I will always stop and read the walls on the booths of those who write wisdom on 6×24 inch planks. For on them one might almost always find the perfect philosophy to live life by.

This certainly isn’t new ground. Past posts discussed self-expression by signage (Walls O’ Wisdom, March 19, 2012) with the help of departments of motor vehicles (UNDTSAY, April 2, 2012), squeezed onto license plate frames (Mobile Philosophy, June 30, 2014) and apparelly apparent (T(-Shirt) is for Thinking, July 30, 2015). The problem is that most of what gets reduced to writing has been reduced so many times over so many years that there is little left. How many times in how many different fonts in how many different finishes can you read “A Penny Saved is a Waste of Time?”

What we need are custom mass-produced pearls of wisdom, or even a good glass knock-off. I have found some of the best worded signs at shows – “Things Haven’t Been the Same Since that House Fell on My Sister,” “Don’t Tell Me What Kind of Day to Have,” and my all-time favorite “If at First you Don‘t Succeed, Redefine Success.” Still, I think we are missing some needed enlightened encouragement or encouraging enlightenment.

Things I thought I’d appreciate on my walls might be:
<<< 120 Minutes Equals One Happy Hour >>>
<<<Is it still a gift card if you buy it for yourself?>>>
<<< You can be whatever you want to be so don’t be stupid. >>>
<<< Nothing Is So Bad That You Can’t Make It Worse >>>

Just in case you didn’t know what to get me for Christmas.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

The names change…

Michael Leave a comment

You all know that I am not fond of Black Friday. I don’t mind the crowds or the sales or the bustling hustle. I really don’t even care that stores open on Thanksgiving. For many families that is their together time. What I don’t like is that the marketers have turned the whole thing into a, a, a thing!

There is no Black Friday. It’s Black November. Those sales started 3 weeks ago. And they aren’t all that great anyway. And now we get to start Cyber Monday, which many stores are calling Cyber Week including a couple of stores that don’t have any on-line presence. Which is fine because all of the ones that do, including those who are exclusively on-line had Black Friday for all of last week and/or this month.

Last Saturday among the many e-mails that graced my in-box were more than one proclaiming that they were entering the “last days” of their Black Friday sales so be sure to order now, soon, and often because at 11:59 on Sunday night those deals will disappear. Then on Sunday I got the “sneak preview” e-mails of the Cyber Monday deals starting at 6pm that very Sunday and available only for the next five days. From the same retailers. For the same products. The same ad with a different header. I should have ordered something between 6pm and midnight to see if I would have gotten a double discount.

See, that’s why I don’t like Black Friday. It’s insulting. But I did get a good deal on some silk poinsettias.

Happy Thanksgetting.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Training for Turkey

Michael Leave a comment

The onslaught is coming and it is past time to prepare for it – it is Thanksgiving dinner! You don’t train for a marathon by sitting on the couch. You don’t prepare yourself for a presentation at work by going dancing. And you can’t call yourself ready for Thanksgiving unless you get those eating muscles in shape!

Yes, it is time to work on your feasting strength and stamina. You have to work that jaw, sharpen those taste buds, and most importantly, stretch those stomach muscles or you’ll be like the punt returner who failed to stretch his hamstrings before the big game – and that is, on the sidelines nursing unnecessary cramps while reduced to watching the action from the bench, or sofa.

I started my warm up routine a week ago by going to Sunday brunch. (Ok, it was my daughter’s birthday and brunch was her idea. But, hey, it got things headed in the right direction, culinarily speaking.) If you are just getting started you missed out on the opportunity to break in with a brunch buffet. Not to worry. Any all you can eat buffet will do. Breakfast buffets at your local casual restaurant are perfect to get things rolling. Just remember when you’re loading up your plates to concentrate on the three main Thanksgiving tummy stretchers. Those are turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. These are easily simulated at breakfast by eggs, potatoes, and pancakes. Be sure to increase your return trips to the buffet so that by Wednesday’s session you are testing the limits of “all you can eat” pricing.

Breakfast is a good start but don’t ease up on lunch and supper training. No small salad with dressing on the side for lunch this week. Indeed you should be lunching on double-decker sandwiches with meats, cheese, and gooey dressings. I recommend keeping to the holiday spirit with turkey pastrami and swiss with cranberry/jalapeno dressing on marble rye.  For dinner, increase your eating power each day progressing through stuffed salmon to stuffed chicken breast to stuffed double cut pork chops. With gravy.

Follow these tips and those turkeys, stuffing, potatoes, veggies, salads, relishes, cakes, and pies, will have met their match this Thursday. When you push back from the table ad retire to the sofa or head out to the sales you’ll do so with the knowledge that once again, you have proven your power over poultry!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

None of the Above. Really.

Michael Leave a comment

Last week I had the opportunity to do something I hadn’t done in years – and years and years and years. I filled out a job application.  I’ve been quite out of sorts lately and I figured out that I was missing some structure. So either I had to start taking retirement more seriously and do some determined vacationing, hobbying, recreationing, and/or memoir writing, or I need to find a part time job and get back into the swing of things. There was a part-time faculty appointment and my alma mater that I was absolutely the best qualified for (just in case someone from the selection committee is reading this), so I said to myself, “Self, give a whirl.” And whirled I did.

I hate to admit it but the last time I seriously needed to fill out a job application it was still on paper. Actually I don’t think I actually filled out an application for the last job I had until after I had the job. That’s a post for a different time. And boy was that a different time. But I digress.

There was a time a while ago when I thought about a career move and quickly gave up on that idea when I saw that the on-line application process was, for me, a multi-day affair. I figured by now that even HR had to have caught up with technology. And they had. Applying was a simple process. Upload a resume, upload a cover letter, upload a reference list, and that was it. Done. All that remained was the EEOC survey. The what?

If an employer agrees to accept federal money for any reason – payment for services, research, tuition reimbursement, anything – the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission wants to make certain that the employer is providing equal opportunities to all applicants. Thus, all those questions that one is not allowed to ask in an interview are required answers on the survey.  They are, sex, race, disability, and veteran status. So far no questions about religion or pet preference.

Now, this post is not a commentary on the survey itself. The survey answers are kept separate from an applicant’s application and are used just for tracking purposes. As a former hiring manager I can tell you that is the case. I never knew how anybody who applied for my department answered any of those questions. When I saw them last week it was the first time I was seeing them. And one really caught my eye.

As I said, these are to determine that people are getting opportunities to apply for any jobs they are qualified for. No prejudging. Everyone gets a fair shake. So I was surprised when I saw the first question and its answer choices:

Sex:
[] Male
[] Female
[] Other
[] Prefer not to answer

Really?

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Prior Performance

Michael Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been sitting closer to the television so I’ve been reading the small print on television ads. Just another of the benefits of getting older.

Small print is hard enough to read. On television it’s monumentally hard to read. It’s usually in white and on a light or nearly white background, small enough to qualify as fine print in a print ad, and verbose enough to be a politician while remaining on the screen for a bit less than the heartbeat of an out of shape stair climber.

If your efforts with the on-line speed reading course were successful, you actually may get the opportunity to read televised fine print. And if you do, you will find it’s not at all very informative.

Extensive research (and not at all scientific let me tell you) says that the third most popular phrase in that fine print is “past performance does not guarantee future results” or similar. (The second most common phrase is “Limited time offer, expires [sometime 8 months from now].” The most common phrase is “dramatization” and/or “actor portrayal” so you can separate fact from fiction without straining your brain while separating them.)

Past performance does not guarantee future results? Excuse me, isn’t that what you are advertising, your past performance? This is especially popular among lawyers, bankers, stock brokers, trade school placement offices, and purveyors of commemorative plates. It’s the advertising fine print equivalent of saying “not responsible for lost or stolen luggage.” Feel free to substitute “your hard earned money” for “luggage.”

Imagine what those lawyers and bankers and others would say if other advertisers blithely asked for you to buy from them while at the same time reminding you that what they are selling may or may not actually do what you are buying. For examples:

….. Orange Juice: Translation = You know us as the brand that uses nothing but fresh oranges to make our juice but your next bottle might have some juiced brussel sprouts.

…..Tires: Translation = Our tires have long been known for their ability to grip the road, resist punctures, and last thousands and thousands of miles. Unfortunately the ones we just shipped to the stores are really old retreads and bald ones at that.

…..Dishwashing liquid: Translation = You may need to use most of the bottle if you expect clean dishes.

….. Luxury SUV: Translation = Can you say Family Truckster?

….. Toilet paper: Let’s not even go there.

Past performance does not guarantee future results. You never hear airlines say that when they are talking about on-time performance. Hmmm.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Comfortably Complicated

Michael Leave a comment

I got a new cookbook. I love reading cookbooks, especially those with stories. This particular one is filled with things a real person in a real kitchen can cook for a real family. From scrambled eggs to roasted chicken to perfect hamburgers to seared scallops, there isn’t a bad recipe in the bunch.

I noticed something while I flipped through the pages and glanced at techniques and tools and anecdotes. The ones I stopped at first, the ones that caught my eye and I had to read from title to end, were those mysterious favorites – comfort foods. It was the stews and roasts, the turkey and mac and cheese that called to me. And not because they were my favorites.

A simple grilled salmon with a warm mustard sauce is probably the best thing I make and the most satisfying thing I eat. Yet the salmon recipe and all the other fish recipes waited for a later perusal. I’ve been known to work chicken into an entire week of meals. Chicken enchiladas, fried chicken, chicken salad all were passed by. What is a summer weekend without hamburgers on the grill? And there I think I figured out why the secrets behind the best burger stayed hidden.

It is the season for comfort. If I was reading this book for the first time in spring I might be reading of the versatile veggies. Summertime reading would lean toward that aforementioned hamburger and salmon. The dead of winter will be a good time to explore the bread and pizza recipes. But now, when the first frosts coat the world outside your window and the high temperatures are lower than the daily low temperatures of just a month ago, now is the time we look to warmth and comfort in our dinners. As the days grow shorter and the leaves turn and fall we seek out the meals that fill our homes with delightful scents and delectable platefuls.

They will be plenty of time to try out the new versions of grilled shrimp. This week I’ll work on some butternut squash soup.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

It’s Increditable

Michael Leave a comment

Recently I came into some money and did what I’ve wanted to do for years – pay off everything. You see, even though I’ve posted here any number of semi-rants about credit card companies and how we’ve come to pretty much ignore common sense and are willing to charge just about everything including a trip to McDonald’s, for years I had been guilty of just such stupidity. Over the past 5 or 6 years I hadn’t used a credit card but I was still paying for my imprudent spending for 30 years before then. Fortunately I have lived long enough to pay off all of those card and other loan balances.

Let me tell you now though, if you ever plan to do the same, prepare yourself for some pretty annoying communications between you and your soon to be former creditors. I knew enough to know that interest charged is charged daily. That means the balance you see on your statement isn’t your balance any more by the time you get your statement. I called every credit card company or bank (and there were a lot of them) to request payoff amounts. Out of ten lenders, only 3 representatives knew what I was asking. To the others, the thought of paying off everything owed was as foreign as using antennae to get TV reception.  They would parrot the auto-attendant’s parroting of the “last statement balance” and didn’t know that wasn’t the total balance. Fortunately I was able to get the information I needed from a call center supervisor. Perhaps that was unfortunate.

Even with a current balance in hand, a human on the phone, and an ability to pay the stated amount immediately, four of the accounts sent statements the following amount with new interest accrued and due. After making several more calls I was able to ascertain that the reason there were still balances was because although the amount paid equaled the amount due on the day of the call, the amount paid was not credited for 3 to 5 business days resulting in 3 to 5 days of accrued interest. So once again I had to request new payoff amounts and submit new payments. I was not amused.

One account I had actually overpaid. When given a figure it was for interest charged through the end of the billing cycle so when my payment was credited in 3 to 5 business days it was still a few days before the cycle ended and I ended up with a credit for that card. Since I was simultaneously closing accounts as I was paying them off, I had no account for the credit to be credited against. Yet, it was still listed as a credit on a following statement with no mention of how I was going to get my money back. Not wanting to, I called anyway. I was told certainly they could send me a refund check. I don’t know why but I had to ask, why they didn’t just send a check instead of a statement showing a credit for an account that didn’t exist. Their answer was that it was policy to report a balance on an inactive account for three billing cycles before issuing a refund. I thanked them for their information and informed them that if I ever decided to re-open a card with them I would consider the three month rule before I decide to issue them a check. They weren’t amused.

Who were these people anyway? The three cards’ telephone reps who hadn’t a clue about how to determine a payoff amount were all serviced by Citicards, the fourth was issued by RBS Citizens Financial.  The company who wanted to hang on to my money for three months unless I asked for it earlier was Discover. Capital One, USAA, and HSBC were the only creditors who actually were helpful in paying off their accounts.

Certainly it was my fault for getting into more credit than I had a right to. When I finally had the means to get out of debt instead of getting out of Dodge I did so. Apparently those I owed would have preferred I continued to owe them. That’s ok. It took a few months and lots of phone calls but now instead of a bunch of cards I carry around a bunch of money. Boy does that confuse the people at McDonald’s.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Aged to Perfection (?)

Michael Leave a comment

I think I’m getting older. No, not old age older but things are starting to take on a more senior disposition than, oh let’s say 2 or 3 months ago.

I noticed it while sitting at a stop sign waiting to make a left turn. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more. It was but a couple of months ago that I would have edged my way in as long as I had a one or two car length head start on that truck barreling through the intersection. And even though I came to complete stops, signaled for turns, and stayed right except to pass, I was decidedly brusque in my driving.

What I was driving is another sign of the years creeping up on me. After 30 years of trucks and SUVs I have made my primary ride a mid-size, American sedan. In dark blue even. What’s next, a full-sized Cadillac registered in Florida?

I stopped for breakfast at a nearby diner. The waitress took orders from the trio sitting at a nearby table. “I’ll put that right in,” she said and turned to the nearby kitchen door and delivered the order to the probably nearby cook. I know she was being polite and efficient but did she really need to tell the table that she would be putting their order in immediately? It was breakfast. Nobody was having cocktails or appetizers. If not “right in” when would she place the order? After the lunch rush? It was just a little thing but I ruminated on that for the rest of my eggs. Now that’s something only an oldster would do.

But what really concerns me about the impending golden years are my pants. These are the same pants I’ve worn for the past several weight changes. They are worn in the same manner – put on one leg at a time and pulled to my waist where they are secured with a belt. Just like everyone else. They look just fine standing up. But when I sat down this morning I felt them creep up my front until the belt was halfway between my shoulders and my waistline. Does this mean it’s only a matter of time until I’ll have to open my fly to scratch my neck? How did that happen? I didn’t buy those pants that way. They betrayed me!

I suppose I should just face it. I’m getting older. Thank Heaven I’m not getting more mature.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Life Needs a Soundtrack

Michael Leave a comment

Do you know a problem with real reality? There are no clues to what’s coming next. Life needs a soundtrack.

Watch any movie or television show, even the so-called “reality” shows, and you see that they all have musical accompaniment. It’s quite clear when someone or something is to be happy, sad, humorous, suspenseful, romantic, mysterious, thrilling, or chilling. Just about the only time the background is silent is when the director intends for extreme drama. Even commercials have background music. Everything from auto insurance to male erectile dysfunction therapy has an associated tune. Why can’t we.

It sounded like a good idea when it popped into my head. Heaven knows there’s enough music up there. I’m always mentally humming a tune, a jingle, a theme. How hard would it be for that to be amplified and spill out around me so I know for sure what mood I’m in – not to mention everyone else who might be in the area?

It’s hard enough to get through a day without being misunderstood. Think of all the relationships that could be saved if there was a full orchestra ready to turn despair to hope, hope to thought, and thought to action. Imagine the peace people could experience if daily routines were spiced up with a bluesy southern anthem or smoothed out by a soft jazz composition. Think of your daily commute to the tune of a driving chorus instead of the tune of blaring horns and mufflers in need of repair.

If you really want to explore this idea, can we consider making life a musical? On second thought, I don’t know if I can handle a sudden eruption of song and dance while standing in line at the deli counter. “You’re the ham that I want. Ooo, ooo, ooo honey,” doesn’t run trippingly off the tongue even if you are looking for that tasty lunchmeat. No, just a soft background perhaps of Dave Matthews Band’s Pig song.

Like I said, it sounded like a good idea when it popped into my head.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?