Tag Beards

A hair-raising tale

Michael 7 Comments

I’m worried about humanity. Every day I see something more and more stupid than the day before. I don’t think we have a chance. You know what? I misspoke. Or mistyped. Not humanity. Humanity might be getting more stupid every day too, but I really mean men. If men had to promulgate the species by themselves, we’d still be in the Dark Ages. And probably in the dark as well. Especially if those men are, as almost all men will be sometime, starting to thin a little up at the hairline.

Oh my Heavens, you would think the world is coming to an end. As soon as it seems there is just a little creep backwards in the hairline, all aich, ee, double hockey sticks breaks out. “Frick! My hair is falling out! I’m not a man anymore!!” So genius that he is, he shaves his head. “Now it will look like a fashion statement, not that I’m bald.” Yeah, right.

But then, genius that he is, he knows how to use a computer and discovers testosterone is necessary for hair growth. Naturally he makes the connection, no hair means he has no testosterone. No testosterone means he only has his oversized red pick-up truck to prove he’s a man and he can’t take that to bed with him. What will he do?

Now this idiot remembers elementary school math and knows that 2 plus 2 equals something, so he adds them up and comes up with a solution. If he has to have hair to pick up women, then by gosh, he’ll grow some hair. But his head is off limits because he just spent a bazillion dollars on a fancy 17 head rotary razor designed especially for thinning and balding men to recapture their outer beauty by mowing away whatever hair might be left growing out of the top of his head. Next best thing to head hair? That’s right — facial hair! So he grows a beard. And not a sophisticated, well-groomed, trim offering like the debonair George Clooney. Oh no. He does the full on, don’t come near me with a pair of manicure scissors, scraggly, end of the world, manly man’s beard like ZZ and his friend, Top.  

Oddly, he still can’t pick up women, so since he is a genius, his first thought is that his truck isn’t big enough. A reasonable assumption. Everyone knows the larger the truck the more manly the man. Ask any used car dealer. So he goes all out, gets an even bigger, even redder, this time diesel pickup with bigger and shinier wheels and tires too. And takes the mufflers off to make certain his is noticed and not overlooked for some weeny in a Tesla. And he still goes home alone after spending all night at the bar. Now what’s the problem?

When he gets home he looks at himself in the mirror and decides he’d sleep with him if he had a chance. But even genius lunatic that he is, he sees something just doesn’t look right with a ZZ Top beard below a cue ball head. How can we fix that? Right! Get a hat! So the hext day he heads out to the fashion capital of the world, Walmart, and gets a hat. He’d like one with a pick-up on the front so he can double up on his manly man ride, but all he can find is one with a tractor on the front and a bull saying “Who farted?” and buys 3 of them so he’ll never run out. Remember, we are dealing with genius.

So now he has his manly man hat covering up his manly man bald shaved head above his manly man beard and he hops into his manly man truck and scoots on down to the local dive bar looking for a woman who can’t wait to be in the arms of a true manly manly man.

Just one problem. If he should find a female looney enough to match on him, he will have found her thus attired which means he can never ever never remove his hat except to shave his head, so he now goes through life with a hat on his head (a hat that says, “who farted?”) everywhere he goes, including out to fancy dinners, church and school functions, shopping, doctor appointments, job interviews, even when he goes to have his manly man truck cleaned up and made shinier where he can sit in the waiting room and share his manly man wisdom.

So if you ever run across a guy who looks like ZZ Top with a hat on climbing down out of big red manly man pickup truck, don’t try to pick him up. He’s taken. Mostly with himself.   

It makes sense that governments can’t take time to regulate everything in life, thus the unwritten law. But which is more powerful – the unwritten rule, or the desire to pursue life, full steam ahead?

Shave and a Haircut

Michael 5 Comments

I still can’t get used to it. Although I try to avoid my face in the mirror – well, maybe not avoid as much as not concentrate on – I have been spending more and more time staring at myself every morning.

About a month ago I became completely clean shaven. That hasn’t happened for over 30 years. And even before that it was a week to week decision regarding facial hair arrangement. Now that I’ve gone close to a handful of weeks without anything there you’d think seeing all of my face looking back at me wouldn’t be that disconcerting. Most of the time it isn’t but that first-thing-in-the-morning glance still returns an element of surprise. It’s probably because I forget what I look like by the time the morning comes having not seen me for the whole night.Mustache

I didn’t decide to shave everything off my cheeks and chin because of any new fashion statement I was looking to make. I didn’t do it for the love of a woman, the lust of a mate, or even at the suggestion of a friend. No, I did it for the most common of reasons assuming that anybody who has changed his facial appearance is completely honest about the reason for the change. I shaved completely because of the dreaded trimming accident.

Trimming, the bane of those who would let a little of nature show through on their visage without so much that he may be mistaken for a member of a well-known family whose patriarch holds a patent for duck calls. Trimming is tough! You have this fancy specialized piece of equipment with all these different heads and guides and they all have adjustments for different lengths and … well … if you happen to have the wrong guide on or the right one set at the wrong length and … well … if it’s a little early and you’re a little tired and … well … things happen.

So, at least for now, I’ve rejoined the ranks of men who scrape blade across skin each morning – ok, most mornings. Good thing I never got rid of my old razor.

Anybody know if they still make double edge blades?

 

A Close Shave

Michael Leave a comment

I had another thought about shaving while shaving. Actually I guess a thought, not necessarily another thought. I don’t often think about shaving. I just do it though sometimes not as often as I should. And that’s ok since most of the time hair stops growing all by itself. In fact, we even talked about that once in “A Hair Raising Thought.” By that was about cutting hair. This is about shaving and the difference is about as dramatic as the difference between shaving with a single blade or with six of them.

To be dramatic about it, what difference does it make anyway? I’m old enough to remember when razors came with just one sharp edge unless you counted the “double edge” safety razor blades. Those were the ones your grandfathers used when they switched from getting a shave with a straight razor to doing it themselves with that nifty little gadget that opened like a clam shell and hold the blade “safely” in place. The kind you see a certain pawn broker advertise on television if you stay up late enough and watch reruns of shows that were popular when safety razors were. But where was I? Oh right, old enough to remember when.

Do you remember when razors had just one blade? Whether in the venerable safety razor, the gadgety injection razor, or the brightly colored disposable razor, there was one blade to drag across your face, leg, or other hairy body part to transform it into a smooth, hairless body part. It worked just fine. Then someone decided if one is good, two must be better. TV ads were suddenly full of the new trend, the double blade disposable razor. The first blade shaves your beard close and the second shaves it even closer. Closer than close? Holy cow! That’s close! They even had animations of the first blade cleaning slicing off the hair and pulling it ever so carefully above the skin just in time for the second blade to swipe its way through. Yeah right.

The hairy public sought out this newest grooming marvel in droves. Shaver manufacturers hit gold. Then someone got the idea, if two are better, three must be better than better. To make a long story short, today you can wander into the personal grooming section of your local supermarket and pick up a razor with as many as six blades all bending, twisting, turning, and otherwise maneuvering their way around your face, leg, and other hairy body parts with or without lubricant, softeners, and/or moisturizer strips. And all for a whole lot of money, with or without coupons.

Oddly enough you can still buy double edge safety razor blades and injector blades. I have no idea if you can still buy the razors to go with them but if you can you can get a deal since these are usually less than a dollar a blade while the new-fangled multi-blade systems run as much as $6.00 per razor. Something you can’t get readily any more is a barbered straight razor shave. The shave and a haircut is a thing of the past, and where it still exists its way more than just two bits. But as indulgences go, it’s worth way more.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

A Hair Raising Thought

Michael 1 Comment

I was staring into the mirror the other day when a thought hit me. You know that I spent a couple of months in the hospital recently. I had so much blood thinner running through me that for several weeks no one dared approach me with a razor. I had gone in wearing a beard that already could have used a trim and it didn’t take much time for it to qualify as “bushy.” Not a bad look but not for me.

While I was wondering if I would ever get be groomed again I started wondering why hair seems to grow only above the neck.Or in my case, above the neck but below the scalp. Stay with me here.

I have to trim my beard at least once a week to keep the level of neatness that I like. (I don’t always make it but that’s what I strive for.) The parts of my face not covered in hair get shaved daily. The hair on my head, actually the ring of hair around my head seems to always need a haircut starting with the day after I get a haircut. And for some reason the left side of that ring grows faster than the right side. As I said, the parts above the neck are always growing hair.

The rest of the hair follicles across other body parts don’t seem to be as diligent about new growth. I have never, ever shaved my arms yet the amount of hair there has not changed since I was in high school. If I hadn’t cut the hair on my head since then I would be pushing it around in a wheelbarrow. Arms, legs, chest, underarms, and those private areas seem to have some auto-sensor about when to stop growing.

The hair at those places will grow if it has to. I have had areas shaved for medical procedures and everywhere that was done the hair ultimately returned to its pre-procedure length and then stopped. How does it know?

But back to that day that I was staring into the mirror. I definitely needed a beard trim but just wasn’t in the mood. Not a good enough reason to keep the trimmer in its holder. Facial hair just has no clue as to when to stop growing on its own.

That;s what I think. Really. How ’bout you?