Tag Annoyances

Catching Flies and Filling Coffers

Michael Leave a comment

You’ve certainly seen them on TV, also.  Dogs hobbling along on 3 legs.  Babies in intensive care cribs breathing through holes in their throats.  Starving children sitting on hard packed dirt with flies on their faces.  Homeless Americans lining up around the block for a cup of broth and half of a sandwich.  All the poor and sick – and exploited – who need your help just getting through another day.

We applaud the people who can work with the unfortunates.  We applaud the people who give to help the unfortunates.  But for the people who prepare those ads, announcements, PSAs, whatever you want to call them, we have no applause.  For those people we have a little advice – you catch more flies with honey.

Year after year of the same pictures and the same pleas make us think why bother, we’ll just get more of the same.  We also think there’s a little hypocrisy in some of those ads.  When the animal rights groups are next preparing their condemnation of movie studios looking for a big payday on the backs of exploited animals, maybe they should look to their own ad agencies.

We feel sorry for all those who need our help but we have only so many contribution dollars.  Like those things that we buy, we want to see value for the money we donate.  Showing us a child tied to a wheelchair because of a congenital muscle wasting disease is a great way to get our initial sympathy.  It goes well with the brooding music and the desolate voiceover, “Send us your money because Johnny needs a miracle.”  But showing us that child a couple years later walking with the help of crutches or even on his own is a better way of saying “Look at what your money has done.  Together we made a miracle. Let’s make some more!”

We haven’t done any research on this but we have to think that there are others who would be more easily swayed to give to heal children and make happy animals.  Not everybody is a sucker for a sad song.  At least, usually not more than once.

So, any of you out there who might be in a position of authority with one of these hospitals or with a charitable or humane organization, remember this when you are putting together next year’s giving campaigns.  You catch more dollars with joy than you do with gloom.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Not Doing It Ourselves

Michael Leave a comment

As homeowners we are quite used to doing things ourselves.  If we didn’t we’d get very little done around our houses.  Our DIY projects save money, recycle material, and usually end up well done and proud to put on display.

We like to think we’re pretty diverse in our projects.  We’ll remodel a room, refinish a floor, decorate a front yard, and hang a sink or two.  Usually we get our ideas from home shows, newspaper articles, or an on-line post.  We’ve been known to lift ideas from advertisements though not necessarily for something we’re looking to buy.  When He of We was looking for inspiration for his very small bathroom he found it in an ad for an air freshener.

But one of our classic go-to sources, the magazine article, might be going away.  Yes, we still read hard copy magazines.  But we might be losing them as inspiration not because the genre is becoming obsolete but because the genre is pricing us out of their market. 

We both saw a great topic in one of our subscriptions this month, how to landscape a sloping yard.  Both of We have back yards that are anything but flat, level, and regular.  Thus most anything we ever read in a gardening magazine or learned at an adult education class is lost on our properties.   But here we thought we had something.  And to make it even more interesting, we each saw the headline separately, read the article separately, considered the information separately, and came to the same conclusion.  Forget about it!

If we were going to follow the advice of the “homeowner” who took this on we’d be the proud owners of back yards that cost more than the houses that front them.  It’s becoming a common problem.  The do it yourself magazines, the home decorating magazines, and the yard and garden magazines have all gone daft.  No more how to extend your deck to add room for outdoor seating and eating.  Now it’s how to turn your backyard into an outdoor kitchen complete with appliances, storage, and fine linen.  What used to be how to’s for a budget are now how to bust a budget.  The particular project we saw would have run about $75,000, without the furniture.  Of course we can only guess at the cost based on our own experiences because the source list listed everything but prices.

We may have to publish our own magazine for real do it yourselfers.  One that has real life do-it-yourself projects for do-it-yourself peoples.  One that prices out material.  One that illustrates varying grades of material.  One that includes time lines and maybe a couple of good drink recipes for the really challenging days.  Stuff a real do-it-yourselfer needs to really do it yourself.

Anybody know where we can learn how to do that ourselves?

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Tax and Fees Extra

Michael Leave a comment

“And of course because this is a foreign check we’ll have to hold it for 5 days.  Which account would you like it held against?”  The question was absolutely serious.  And He of We was absolutely dumbfounded.  “Foreign?  Well yes, it does come all the way from Kentucky.”  And thus he found himself on the receiving end of a lecture, a real honest to gosh lecture, about how the banking industry works to protect our deposits.

She of We got her own lecture two weeks later when her credit union debit card was refused by a merchant because the bank had inactivated it.  It was very good of the bank to do so since it appeared that someone had possibly stolen her card numbers and attempted to buy something out of country.  But nobody told her.  She found out 3 days later.  During that time she attempted two local purchases which were refused and called the credit union.  She spoke with a live operator who suggested she try her card again in an ATM.  After the ATM was no more help than the live telephone version she went to the branch to inquire and was then told that her card had been suspended.

While She of We was waiting at the teller window another patron at the next window was having his own issues with cards and funds.  It seems he stopped at a gas station and “Paid at the Pump” with his debit card.  Forty-five dollars.  But his computer statement told him the account had been debited $70.  Where was the other $25?  And why was it not in his account where it would have stopped a check of his from being returned unpaid for which the institution charged him another fee.

If we remember all the details, a foreign check is one drawn against an account from any bank other than the one to which He of We was attempting to deposit it.  If that check should not clear we will be charged a fee for depositing a check that is not backed by sufficient funds and we’d be charged a fee immediately and thus place our account balance in jeopardy.  So it’s for our safety. 

Purchases against a debit card are transferred to the bank for approval and if it will be paid or not the merchant is apprised of that by electronic message.  Anywhere in the world.  Immediately.  For our safety.

Unspecified cash total purchases, such as a “pre-approval” to buy gasoline sometime in the future (and apparently sometime in the next 30 seconds of the pump reset is “the future”), is transmitted to the gas pump’s mini-computer with a predetermined spending limit.  Eventually, the predetermined already debited amount is re-credited to the account.  Probably for somebody’s safety.

It’s commendable that a bank would want to protect its customers from fraudulent transactions but we have some questions.  What if the debit card number thief had try to make a purchase in Hartford Connecticut rather than Hamburg Germany?  Was somebody ever going to contact She of We that she was walking around with a useless piece of plastic in her wallet?  Why isn’t the card holder made aware of the amount of held funds for pre-approved purchases and for how long they will be held?  And explain again why Kentucky is foreign? 

These are all accepted US banking practices protected by US and individual states’ banking laws.  A bank can hold funds guaranteed by a check for 5, 7, or 10 days until the issuing bank confirms there is money in the account against which the check is written.  That’s only good practice.  Good practice to hold the check until the receiving bank finds out if the issuing bank has the money.  Good practice for it to take 10 days if the receiving bank is planning on sending a representative by stagecoach to the issuing bank to collect the money. 

The rules were written before electronic funds transfers were common, before the average American had 3 phones and 5 e-mail addresses, before people traded in their folding money for a piece of plastic that is easier to carry, and if lost or stolen easier to report, manage and recover.  Why would anybody want to re-write the rules?  They provide the bank with the opportunity to use somebody else’s money for 3, 5, 10 days to collect additional interest for their accounts.  And after all, they protect our accounts.

When the banks can’t get enough by squirrelling away our money for a week or so they charge fees.  ATM fees, teller fees, call center fees, credit card fees, debit card fees, paper statement fees.  We read recently of a bank that tried to establish fees for using their website.  It was a monthly electronic access fee. The banking is free.  The accounts are “service charge free.”  However, if you want to find out how much money you have on deposit you have to pay a fee.

Used to be all banks were worried about was someone holding up the stage coach.  A banks real challenge now is measured by how to creatively phrase the next fee they will charge you and convince you that by paying these small fees translates into large balances later.  If you believe that, we have a bridge we’d like to sell you. 

But you have to pay the closing cost fees.  It’s for your safety.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Unreal

Michael 2 Comments

We’re at a dull time of the month.  We’ve past New Year’s, escaping once again without resolution.  (See “Be It Resolved” posted January 2 under LIFE for why we’ll be making our resolutions sometime in March.)  And we’re not yet up to Groundhog Day, the best holiday of the year throughout the world.  It is a good time to think about what we did last year and will be able to afford those luxuries again this year (insert sound effect of wild laughter).  

What we ended up deciding it that what we really need is for someone to discover us and turn us into a reality show.  Then it wouldn’t matter if we could afford the trip to the edge of the volcano in Hawaii, the edge of the glacier in Alaska, and/or the edge of fashion in Milan. The producers would pick up those tabs while they continued to insist that this is a quite ordinary vacation for a middle class family with 12 kids and one income.

Maybe we aren’t being fair.  Just because we started this blog on an urge to make certain the world knows reality, on average, doesn’t come with hot air balloons, recording contracts, and rehab doesn’t mean every courageous exploration of everyday life on TV is actually scripted fiction casted with diligence and care – or first come first served.  So we took a look at what passes for reality shows today and most recently to make sure we weren’t wrong.  So in no particular order, and not at all a complete review, here is what TV would want you to consider reality.

Gold Rush – Three gold mines in Alaska.  One manned by people who put their real lives with real jobs and real bills and real families on hold while they trek to the Yukon for a few months to play with thousands of dollars of equipment we aren’t sure how any got paid for so they could dig up 8 ounces of gold.  One manned by a guy who was supposed to help out group #1 but instead stole their claim.  One manned by a 17 year old when school is out and a 92 year old when it isn’t.  Just a normal day in the 49th state.

Tabatha Takes Over – A lady hairdresser revamps failing salons while she sports a blonde from a box boy cut, deathly pale complexion, eyelashes the length somewhere between long and you’ve-got-to-be-kidding, and a strong penchant for a black wardrobe.

Jersey Shore – Twenty-somethings try to make complete sentences out of swear words and body parts.

Say Yes to the Dress – Mostly (though not all) brides-to-be start looking at wedding dresses that cost more than Either of We’s current vehicles’ blue book values but talked into spending more because it’s their one special day, including those who are doing it for the third time.

Ice Road Truckers – Even more testosterone than the Deadliest Catch and not as well contained.

Extreme Couponing – People fill 4 shopping carts, hang out at the cash register while management spends several hours on the phone with company computer guru to unfreeze the restrictive software, and then pay with coupons and pocket change.  Except for one shopper who donated all his booty to the local food bank we are left to wonder what these people do with all that stuff.

Finding Bigfoot – Like “Moonshiners,” the title speaks for itself.

Hoarders – People never throw anything away, actually more accurately people who use their houses as garbage cans and throw everything away.

American Pickers – Two guys travel the country making money off the hoarders.

That’s just a small sampling.  There are so many more with equally impossible storylines.   Where did they all come from?  We think we might have figured that out.  It seems nothing is new, just re-worked.  Find something from years ago, clean it up, repackage it, sell it to the unsuspecting, and make a fortune.  Not unlike Pawn Stars.  With that in mind, here is our list of some of today’s more popular shows and their not quite obvious inspirations.

The Bachelor – the Dating Game with sex and hot-tubs over an eight week run.

Dancing with the Stars – American Bandstand with out of work actors and celebrity wannabes.

Celebrity Rehab – Candid Camera with out of work actors and celebrity wannabes.

Storage Wars – Let’s Make a Deal with somebody else’s money.

Man vs. Wild – the American Sportsman got lost on the way to the hunting cabin.

Real Housewives of [Wherever] – To Tell the Truth.  Please.

COPS – Dragnet, still with stories about to heard that are true but with faces blurred rather than names changed to protect the innocent.

American Idol – The Miss America Pageant without the swimsuit competition.

Somehow these and others like them stay on the air.  They are making money for their networks and bringing viewers to their sponsors.  There really are people tuning in every week to see what secret a housewife can dig up on her best friend forever, how often mom and daughter can go into labor together, how many times a 20-something can use the f-word in one sentence.  There really are people who care about them all. 

Or maybe everybody is watching just to see the volcano up close from the edge.  And privately hoping someone, anyone, falls in.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Terms of Appreciation

Michael 3 Comments

You know that every so often new words are officially added to the English language.  We’re not certain exactly how the process goes but we know that “somebody” figures out that we are using non-words so often that eventually “they” decide to make those words official and add them to the language.  Fortunately language isn’t like the physical law of conserving matter.  There is nothing that says there only so many letters available and when you build more new words you have to lose some old ones.  We can keep adding words all we want and we don’t have to put any of the old ones away.  But is sure seems like there are some words that we just don’t hear anymore.  Two of them are “thank” and “you.”

You knew you were getting set up for something.  But really, have you noticed that “thank you” is going fast.  Particularly at the grocery store, bank, convenience store, restaurants, and fast-food drive thru windows.  (We’re pretty sure “thru” is one of the new words we’re allowed to use so we will.  Besides, ‘drive-through’ looks weird.)  And it’s not just that “thank you” is disappearing.  It’s being replaced.  Instead of an expression of gratitude when we hand our money over to the aforementioned clerks and servers, we are now being told “have a good one,” or “there you go” when change is involved.  Quite often, and particularly at the drive thru, we’re told nothing at all.

We don’t like it.  We’re not certain who is in charge of expressions of gratitude but “there you go” doesn’t cut it.  We’re prepared to begin a letter writing campaign so if any of you have a clue as to whom we address our concerns please let us know.  And quickly, before “thank you” disappears into the altogether.

While we’re at it, there are some other phrases we’d like to see when we’re attempting to buy goods or services. 

When we finally get to the head of a check-out line at the local do it yourself center we can do without “did you find everything ok?”  Usually the person asking is a teenager working part time after school or on weekends and has no clue as to what we are buying let alone where we would find whatever it is we couldn’t locate.  “Did you find everything?” is a fine phrase but quite useless by the time one gets to the check-out corral.  Maybe the do it yourself powers that be could shift a few employees to the aisles where the confusion begins to ask that question.  But at the cash register we’d like a return to the old standby of “Hello, would you like some help to your car with that?” particularly when “that” is 500 pounds of wood, nails, shingles, and hardware for a backyard shed that we never did find the instructions for.

When we are out for our weekly dinner date we’d rather not have the server greet us with “can I get you something to drink?” before we’ve even decided which chair who will sit in and do we drape our coats over the backs of the chairs in which we do eventually sit or across the seat of a vacant one.  We’d prefer “You guys get settled in and I’ll bring you a couple glasses of water.  Then if you’d like a drink or an appetizer you can let me know.”  We’ve already had issues with the customary check in question “Is everything ok?” (See “You Want Fries with That?” posted in LIFE, Dec, 12, 2011.)  It’s a great question made up of great words.  It’s just that few servers actually mean it.  And the ones that do are serving in restaurants that if everything wasn’t ok the dish would not have ever made it out of the kitchen.

And can we please dispense with the recorded greetings at the drive thru windows!  It’s bad enough every time you call any business that you are greeted with an auto-attendant.  Why do we now have to have (in an overly cheerful voice) “Would you like to try one of our new triple bypass burgers with the works available only for a limited time?!” This is then followed closely by the bored “Whenever you’re ready.”  Instead let’s move on to “Our menu hasn’t changed since 1955, what will you be having?”  It’s either that or the terribly unimaginative “May I take your order, please?”

There are some terrific new words and phrases that we didn’t have when we were first learning to use a dictionary like the Internet, technical support, and twenty-four hour fitness center.  That doesn’t mean that we can never use the oldies but goodies except in trivia games such as encyclopedia, repair manual, or housework.

We’re all for change.   We just don’t want to be told “There you go” when we get it.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Buy One, Get What?

Michael 1 Comment

There’s something gone terribly wrong with American commerce.  Those who are in charge can’t add.  Or subtract.  Or multiply.  We were looking for somewhere for dinner and decided to break out the old coupon book.  Yes, the price goes up every year but there are thousands of “buy one, get one” deals in it.  Has anybody ever actually read those coupons?

A quick check of the 5 or 6 closest restaurants all had coupons declaring “buy one entrée, get one free.”  But they all had dollar limits.  The most popular this year seems to be $8.00.   We’re not ones to sneeze at $8.00 off dinner for two but perhaps that’s what the advertisers should be saying.  You see, of those 5 or 6 restaurants that we checked out, none of them had an entrée for under $12.00.  The more accurate coupon language is “buy one, get two-thirds off another if you go for the cheapie meal.”

It doesn’t stop at the coupon books.  Infomercials have been varying vocabulary since there have been infomercials.  “Call now and we’ll double the offer!  Just pay additional processing and handling” an amount they never specify in any of the 30 minutes that the ad runs.  If $19.95 is the price for one plus $10.00 processing and handling, then doubling the offer should mean you get twice as much for the same $29.95.  If one costs $29.95 and you double it for free, that means $29.95 + $0.00 = $39.95???  That’s not right.  Ask anyone who passed arithmetic.

While we’re on the subject of product pricing, whatever happened to products and services being priced based on their cost.  Infomercial sales have proven that point.  Almost everything sold on TV is $19.95.  That which is not $19.95 is $19.99.  If you want to figure out the true cost of an “As Seen On TV” product, check out that mysterious processing and handling fee.  That seems to vary more with, and is probably a truer estimate of the presumed cost of the product.

Presumptions aside, we have no magic formula for determining if you’re getting a deal or getting robbed.  We live in the easternmost time zone of our country.  He of We has to fly to the westernmost time zone for work with little advance notice.  While exploring the Internet for airfares he found one for $314.  Not a bad price to get from one ocean to the other.  But if he could fly out one day later the price is only $156.  Are they planning to move one of the oceans to the Mississippi River?  If they are, they are going to move it back in very short order.  That $156 airfare is good on only the first flight of the day.  Later that same day with the same airline on the same model of plane making the same stop the same flight will cost $429.  It bears mentioning that all of that is for a flight out.  The flight back is a whole different set of numbers.  Somebody has to stop moving these cities around!

To really confuse us, some deals are too much of a good thing.  Check out this week’s flyer for your local mega-mart and see how many items you can find at “10 for $10.”  Do you really have to buy ten?  Actually, no.  With your loyalty card your price is $1 each.  Why can’t they say that?  Or are there more people than we imagine who are buying 10 cans of chopped beets this week?

Buy one get some; double or nothing; buy now and save; buy big or go home.  We guess buyers really should beware.  At the very least they should throw away their old calculators, dictionaries, and maps and buy the new and improved versions.  Processing and handling extra.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

You want fries with that?

Michael 2 Comments

Another Saturday night was in full swing.  Even though it was the coldest night since Thanksgiving and one of only two shopping  Saturdays left until Christmas (no, we don’t count Christmas Eve as a shopping day – sheesh!)  the stores were full, the parking lots were full, and . . .  yes, the restaurants were full.  We will wait for almost anything worth that wait – good music, good hockey, good movies, good plays – but food, nope, we just aren’t going to wait for that.  There are too many restaurants with the same offerings to wait 45 minutes at one restaurant when a similar entrée is beckoning you from across the street.  And thus we were led astray by our rumbling tummies and fell into the abyss that was once a stalwart of family dining in our part of the world.

It’s our go-to restaurant when everything else is packed, when we can’t agree on where to go, or when we want that “you’ll never get a bad meal there” and we don’t want “there” to be home.  What it turned out to be was the exception to the rule.  First we got led to a sticky table with a crumb festooned banquette right off the open doorway to the kitchen.  The waitress was quick enough to come for a drinks order but that was the last time we saw her that evening.  No, that’s not true.  We did see her again 20 minutes later when she brought out the drinks.  That was however the last time she brought a correct order to us. It wasn’t a hard order – She of We ordered the meatloaf and He of We was having a pot roast sandwich with fries and gravy over everything.  Fattening, yes.  Difficult, no.  After making the 45 minute wait at the restaurant across the street seem speedy she came out with the correct but quite cold orders.  When she returned for the customary “how is everything?” we told her of our cold food, which by now could have chilled fresh brewed iced tea.  She stormed off in a huff, our former plates balanced precariously on her forearm, declaring “I’m never working a Saturday again!”  After only a moment away she returned again to ask if we wanted our meals re-prepared and simply heated.

To make a long story short, after three more trips to the kitchen, two additional exclamations of “I’m never working on Saturday again!” two visits by the restaurant manager, and an impromptu dance routine just inside the kitchen doorway,  we left with “We’re never going there on a Saturday again.”

But wait, should we strike an otherwise enjoyable rest stop from our list of acceptable establishments because they no longer hire professional waitresses?  Nobody hires professional waiters or waitresses any more.  There seems to be some backlash against professionals in the service industries.  We don’t understand why.  It takes a particular skill to handle a handful of restaurant tables each with a handful of diners even on a not particularly busy night.  The fault isn’t that of the misguided woman who thinks waitressing is a piece of cake.  It’s not even the fault of the manager who hires people who show contempt for their busiest night.  It’s the fault of the people who patronize these restaurants and stores but don’t complain when served up shoddy service.  It’s the fault of those who won’t return on a Saturday night but not tell anyone why.

We think something has to be done.  The only way we are going to get skilled and practiced service is to demand it.  Waiters and waitresses have to understand that if they do a mediocre job they get a mediocre tip.  When asking how everything was at the end of the meal they should expect, and want a critique of their service.  If the service is so bad that the manager is waiving the check, the waitress’s first thought should not be “there goes my tip.”  Managers have to know that the answer to every service complaint is not free dessert.  If a problem means meals will be delayed bring out some appetizers while the delay is happening.  Owners have to know that competent training and honest evaluations go a long way in making an establishment a continued stalwart in the field.   

When confronted with poor service we often ask ourselves what workers at these places expect.  It’s work.  But it’s work that’s been done for years by competent, yet still pleasant professionals.  We say bring them back.  And put them in charge.  And if it means we have to pay a little bit more for the service it will be worth it.

Even just for the meatloaf and a pot roast sandwich with fries and gravy over everything.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

For Your Protection

Michael Leave a comment

Not long ago, She of We remodeled the bathroom in her house.  The bathtub was still in good shape but dingy.  Rather than replace a good strong cast iron tub with a new and improved cheap imitation she had the tub refinished.  When the work was done the refinisher presented her with the warranty and list of “don’ts.”  High on the list was not to use a specific array of cleaning products.  If she failed to heed this warning, her actions would (ominous music, please) void the warranty.  It made sense.  It’s a process to refinish a bathtub.  Acrylics, bonders, polymers and other magic stuff went into making a 60 year old cast iron tub look new and improved.  And it’s an expensive process.  If one of those bonders or polymers or other-ers came loose and the finish became unfinished it would be just as expensive to refinish it all over again.  That is good advice, there for her protection, and a good warranty. 

As the project moved on, new mirrors and floor and fixtures found their way to the remodeled space.  When all the rest of the pieces were in place the plumber presented her with, among other things, instructions for the toilet.  Don’t use any cleaning solutions in it or you will (once again please, some ominous music) void the warranty.  Good advice for the — for the what?  Toilet?  We aren’t speaking of the valve that lets water in or the flush mechanism that lets water out.  Toilets don’t even come with those necessities.  You buy them separately.  We’re speaking of the white thing upon which you sit.  After you buy a seat.  They don’t come with those either. 

That big white thing that takes up a whole corner of the room – the throne, the chair, the real man’s recliner – has a warranty.  And in order to preserve it you cannot use toilet cleaners in the toilet.  We have to ask, with what does one clean a toilet if not with toilet cleaners.  You would certainly want to clean a toilet every now and then.  Wouldn’t you?  We do.  But wait yet another minute.  A warranty?  From what?  One would think if a toilet did not hold up its end of the bargain and hold up he or she while he or she is…well, if the toilet broke and that person crashed to the floor, the warranty would be the last thing that the state attorney general or consumer affairs commissioner or whomever would handle the complaint would request to act upon the complaint.

There once was a day when warranties weren‘t commonplace for everything from toilets to shampoo.   There once was a day when workmanship was so good nobody thought of a warranty.  It just worked.  Even toilets.  No, that toilet warranty isn’t there for her protection.  That warranty is there for the protection of the company that realized it has created a new and improved cheap imitation of what once was genuine and solid needing neither newness nor improvement.  If it was any good the manufacturer would have hung a tag on it that reads, “Good luck with your new toilet.  It will give you years of enjoyment.  If you have any problems, give us a call.”  Instead the manufacturer tries to impress the purchaser with promises that it will repair or replace any defective part that one can prove was a defect in manufacturing and not subsequent handling including transportation and installation and that no mishandling after installation up to and including cleaning with cleaning solutions has occurred.  Words we never thought would accompany a toilet purchase.

Our advice to you if you find yourself in a similar situation is to clean the toilet.  It’s for your protection.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Buy the Way

Michael 5 Comments

For us, the holiday season sometimes has its own special stress.  Both of We have pretty classic 9-5 jobs.  Our only time to shop, dine, do movies or theater, see concerts or sporting events is in the evenings or on weekends.  If Either of We wants to take advantage of smaller (or no) crowds it means burning a vacation day and going back to work the following day with the off day’s work still waiting to be done.  So we usually end up shopping, dining, entertaining, or being sports in the evenings and on weekends.  Or we turn to the Internet and to catalogs.

She of We is a little more adventurous when it comes to non-hands-on shopping.   The choices of what to buy are a bit limited.  Let’s face it, some things you have to touch.  But where to buy can be on line, by flyer, via catalog, or even a Sunday newspaper supplement.  He of We sometimes to his regret is little more forgiving of what but a bit more selective of where.  Oh there will be the occasional Internet purchase and once even from an infomercial, but purchases outside of a store will more likely be from an old fashioned print catalog.  And there they share the same passion though not the same mailing lists.  Catalog shopping.

You can buy anything in a catalog – clothes, electronics, books, cookware, food, furniture, novelties.  We’ve even seen walking sticks and a duct tape tie.  If you want it you can buy it from the comfort of your own living room.  But last night, tucked between the double barreled marshmallow shooter with dishwasher safe magazines ($39.95) and the luxurious double napped genuine Irish flannel men’s pajamas ($99.95) we found the most outrageous catalog offering yet.  The Optimal Resonance Audiophile Four-Way Three-Dimensional Soundstage Quality Speakers.  These little gems can be yours for the low price of $60,000 for the pair.  Yes, there are four (4!) zeros.  Plus shipping.  And did we mention that each speaker requires four amplifiers, not included. 

Maybe the local concert hall needs $60,000 speakers.  Your family room does not.  Please consider this very carefully if you really can afford $60,000 speakers.  If you can afford $60,000 speakers we encourage you to make a donation to your local symphony, opera company, musical theater, struggling musician, or local rap artist instead.  Get your name on a brick in the wall on the side of the building and ask for two tickets, orchestra center, for the next few years of productions.  Your money will be much better spent, you’ll get to see some great musicians actually playing great music, and if you limit your gift to only $50,000 you’ll have enough left over to buy a used car with a killer stereo.

 Sixty thousand dollar speakers.  Didn’t somebody recently say these are tough economic times?  And He of We was worried that $15 for a duct tape tie was extravagant.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Fire Them All

Michael 2 Comments

Those who have spent any amount of time around He of We have heard his plan for workplace efficiency, effectiveness, and cooperation.  Fire them all and start over.  When you spend most of your time at work you want to spend it with people who are efficient, effective, and cooperative.  You wouldn’t think so but sometimes that’s a tall order.

The problem nowadays with many co-workers is that they want to be friends.  That’s not meant to be sounding harsh.  Indeed we should be friendly to our co-workers but not necessarily with them.  They make great acquaintances but when you stop and think about it, pretty lousy friends.

On any given workday we’re probably at work or getting to and from work for over 75% of our waking hours.  That’s a lot of time.  That’s probably why someone had to come up with the phrase “quality time” when you try to explain the type of time you want to be spending with those you love.  Quality, certainly not quantity.  So we want that part of our life to be as stress-free as possible.  No problem, with only a couple hours for close friends and family, where could stress hide?  Oh yeah, that other 75%.

It’s bad enough that sometimes work itself can be stressful.  We’ve managed to work our work lives in work places that we know how to work.  We’ve both been at our respective professions for lots of years and we’ve gotten used to the vagaries of what it is that we do.  There is stress, but it’s not overwhelming.  It expands, deflates, multiplies, settles, mushrooms, and eventually resolves sometimes several times a day, sometimes several times an hour.  But it’s work.  It happens.  And we deal with it.

But the wild card our day, in any workers workday is the dreaded co-worker.  We’re certain they come in a variety pack!  Some really aren’t a bad distraction while you’re trying to start the engines.  There’s the proud parent who starts the day with last night’s game winning free-throw or potty time success (age depending) but then moves on.  There’s the secret shopper who found the greatest buy at the most unusual store on the way home.  A little exasperating but after the first 15 minutes it’s business as usual. 

But then we start encountering the stress builders.  There’s the “Can you help?” worker.  We know he or she wants anything but help.  The help wanted is volunteering to do the whatever.  How easy it is when we’re busy to fall into “it’s easier if I do it myself.”   Mr. (or Ms.) Let-Me-Run-This-Past-You needs our review before it goes out to the boss, customer, or next level review.   Here we encounter two versions. Model #1 is a dolt but knows we’ll get him refocused and he’ll do such a great job (now that he knows what his job is) that he’ll get a bonus, raise, and prime parking space.   Model #2 is actually the model employee but paranoid as all get out and needs our reassurance that everything will be ok.

The most stressful, the dreaded-est of the dreadful is the Work Friend.  This person really takes on the persona of a friend.  Hanging out in the doorway, tales of last night’s life gone wrong, we might have felt honored when it began that this person trusts our opinion.  Then we start remembering the encounters.  There was the quarrels at home, the “did you see how early she left yesterday” comments, the rundown of every meeting the boss had that will result in more work but never more money, the itemization of every penny spent (translated to wasted) by everybody in the office but us two, and the leaky plumbing, noxious fireplace, cracked steps and useless cable company at home.  Each day there’s a new (or not so new) concern, a new worry in his or her life that we’re now going to solve and move on.  This person isn’t looking for a friend.  This person is looking for free therapy!

Do you want to be a good co-worker?  Come in, smile, say good day, bring a surprise once in a while (donuts are good), keep your conversations bright and have them in the lunch room, and do your job.  Learn your job.  When you want help, ask with the intention of actually learning a new how to.  Remember, it’s a job, it’s not supposed to be the happiest time of your day.  Learn a little workplace etiquette and when you get home your quality time will have meaning and you won’t need our help getting through life.  And then our quality time will be better and maybe we won’t mind so much the occasional detour to the therapist’s office.  Just not every day!

It beats the heck out of starting over every couple years.  And you know how HR hates it when you fire them all at once.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?