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Got Grammar

Michael Leave a comment

I was out shopping at a little neighborhood farm store; I picked up some $20.05 worth of meats, cheese, olives, and fish. I had no change so I gave the young lady manning (womanning?) the cash register a twenty dollar bill and a one dollar bill. She took them then stood there looking at me. I looked back at her and in time she said, “My bad. I was expecting a twenty and a five.” I don’t know why she was expecting anything in particular, as long as it added up to at least twenty dollars and five cents. But, I’ve reported on similar issues with money and people trying to figure out amounts due and to be returned without the aid of a computerized cash register. Or fingers and toes. (See “If You Give a Teen a Penny,” April 7, 2014.) But today’s post isn’t about calculating change or expecting bills. It’s a grammar rant.

It had been a while since I heard anybody other than a daytime TV talk show host utter “my bad.” I was hoping that was because it had finally worn its welcome and was relegated to the what-does-that-mean-anyway pile of bizarre phrases. It’s so bad it’s beyond bad. It should have been expected. Ever since “Got Milk” graced America’s roadside billboards, television screens, and magazine back covers we’ve pretty much given up on grammar.

I’m not trying to be the grammar police and I actually thought Got Milk was a pretty nifty advertising slogan. It was just odd enough to be memorable without being irritating. The same can’t be said for some of its spawn. It seemed shortly after the first milk mustachioed model hit the commercials we were “Gotting” everything from “Got Cookies” to “Got Religion.”

I don’t suppose your old fifth grade English teacher will come out of retirement to correct our slips down the ungrammatical slope. Many things we were taught not to do like begin a sentence with a conjunction or end it with a participle aren’t real rules anyway. If you don’t believe me, take a real good look at your Chicago Manual of Style. Ain’t nothing in there about that. And more than likely most of what actually gets published is far from perfect composition, but it is right around the corner of your average vernacular.

Still, some things really need to stop being uttered in public. “My bad” tops that list. In fact, it tops the list of things that shouldn’t be uttered in private. And definitely never uttered in stores by cashiers trying to calculate change without the aid of a calculator.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater

Michael 1 Comment

If Peter, Peter was dining on that big orange gourd today he’d have a hard time finding a pumpkin shell for the Missus. That’s because they are making everything out of pumpkin these days. There’s so much pumpkin out there they have to be using every bit of it, including the shells!

Just a couple of weeks ago I wondered about the early emergence of pumpkin beer. (See “So They Say,” August 24, 2015.) And a year ago I wondered about the preponderance of pumpkin everythings. (See “It’s the Not So Great Pumpkin,” October 20, 2014.) This week we can combine the two. Just in one supermarket ad flyer that came out so early in September the days were still in single digits there appeared sixteen ways to eat your pumpkin – all on one page. Peter, Peter would have a field day!

There are pumpkin cookies, cakes, and coffee like always. There’s pumpkin yogurt, granola, and gelato for the adventurous. There is pumpkin bisque and pumpkin ravioli for those of questionable stability. And there will be more when we eventually actually enter fall.

One thing we’ll probably not see at all, though, is pumpkin tea. Did you ever notice that coffee drinkers get the odd flavors associated with holidays and seasons? Coffee comes in peppermint, cider, jelly bean, and, of course, pumpkin flavors. Tea is just tea. Oh there are herbal varieties and different tea flavors but those are either all teas or not teas at all. And they don’t change with the weather. A tea drinker can get his or her favorite variety year round.

I didn’t see an ad for pumpkin flavored chewing gum this year. Yet. Last year it was pretty close to Halloween before that item showed up in an ad. I did see an ad for pumpkin flavored tortilla chips. Don’t forget the queso.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Have I Got a Deal for You

Michael 1 Comment

Last weekend my daughter was lamenting the fact that the stores were starting to advertise fall fashions. Fortunately, she reported, they were also beginning summer clearances so it wasn’t all that terrible that the season was being rushed along a bit.

It’s always been that way. Valentine specials show up right after New Year’s; Easter Sales go on sale in February; Memorial Day Specials pop up in early April; Fourth of July Sales are here and gone by Flag Day; Labor Day Back to School Sales get started at the end of July; Halloween candy is displayed around the start of the school year; Black Friday opens around Halloween; Christmas Sales deck the shelves on Columbus Day; and the End of the Year Clearance flyers hit the mailboxes a week before Thanksgiving.  Next year will probably start a week earlier.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It really does become a plus when you can buy this season’s fashions at bargain basement prices while still in the season. But then does that mean the demise of bargain basements?

I suppose that bargain basements are already dead. And that’s a shame. They used to be THE place to shop for the folks who couldn’t afford Saks, Lord and Taylor, or Tiffany. And back a generation or two that was almost everybody. The bargain basements were where back to school meant it didn’t have to be hand-me-downs, where grills and patio furniture and outdoor life came to life for middle class America, where Christmas got to overflow from each child’s stocking.  They might have all been the previous year’s fashion but who cared. Jeans were jeans, chairs were chairs, and toys were toys. And all of them hidden away in the department stores’ lowest levels. Even when the big retailers moved to the suburban shopping centers there still was a certain square footage devoted to the bargain basement.

Now the bargains are relegated to a few clearance racks pushed to the back of a department, behind next season’s meticulous displays. They are a few handfuls of what didn’t sell, the few pieces management is willing to part with this season rather than storing in back rooms to be brought out next year or auctioned off to remainder stores.

Those days of the bargain basements were the days when real savings were passed to the public. Today if you want a real savings you have to know where your closest time machine dealer is. Of course, if he’s not running any good specials when you get there, ask for a test drive and go back one holiday. You’ll find your deal there. Or is that then?

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Buy, Save, Repeat

Michael 2 Comments

Congratulations!  You are about to discover a sure fire way of making money at home.  No, it’s not stuffing envelopes or even the twenty-first century equivalent, sending out serial e-mails.  No, it’s not completing surveys or even the old-fashioned equivalent, convincing patsies that they can make money by giving others their opinions.  It’s not coupon clipping, rebate responding, or cyber shopping.  It’s insurance!  Specifically, auto insurance.

Lately my mailboxes, old-fashioned and new-fangled, have become repositories for solicitations to change my car insurance.  I’ve had the same insurance for over 20 years and they say that is when one should seriously consider switching.  Complacency builds and what was a bargain then can be a wallet buster now.  So I took a good look at some of the offers and discovered that there indeed was money to be saved.  In fact, there was money to be made.

Every offer had some huge savings that I was overlooking.  There were savings of $400, $450, even $500 to be had.  There were premiums as low as $19 per month.  There were offers of 75% off of what I am currently paying. It didn’t matter if it was a big company, little company, on-line only, or multi-service.  The insurance version of the name brands – Liberty Mutual, Travelers, Nationwide – were represented.  The ones nobody had ever heard of but sounding like the name brands – Safeco, National, 21st Auto – were there.  The ones with cute ads – Farmers, GEICO, Progressive – were in on it too.  Everybody wanted to save me money!  Everyone from Allstate to State Farm had cash to offer. How nice of them.

So, here is the plan.  Step one, switch to one of the low premium companies.  The best plan is to replace my current insurance with one that has a monthly premium of the low, low price of $19.  Once that’s established, trade it in for 75% savings over my now new cost for a newer, lower, lower outlay that comes out to the remarkably low, low, even lower as in less than $5 per month.  Now, switch to the dollar savings that range from $415, to $450, to $500 for a total savings of $1365.  Subtract the $5 premium payment and we net an income of $1, 360!  There are enough companies offering these fantastic savings that we can do this at least three times for a total money haul of over $4,000.  That’s a used car.  Not a very good one but a car just the same.  And where there’s a car there’s a need for car insurance.

Car insurance, – a sure fire way of making money at home.  Buy, save, repeat.  You gotta love it!

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Just About the Last Minute

Michael Leave a comment

 

It’s down to 3 (three!), 2 (two!), 1 (one!), Merry Christmas (!) and we are at the clubhouse turn.

The clubhouse is pretty appropriate here.  This year’s Real Reality of Christmas season started with “Let’s Go Clubbing” (Nov. 17, 2014).  In that post there is the outrageous suggestion that this year everyone would be consumed with cooking, baking, and decorating.  And that seemed to be a pretty fair estimate of outrageousness just as it is most every year, at least around here.  One thing it didn’t seem to be was all consumed with shopping.

Shopping was quite tempered this year from the lack of catalogs (see “The Great Annual Christmas Catalog Shopping Guide,” Dec. 15, 2014) to the lack of fellow shoppers (see “Next to the Last Minute,” Dec. 18, 2014).  We’re wondering might that be due to the lack of stuff.  It seems that every year there is more and more stuff that you only see at the holidays.  Advertisements bear this out.

Think about what you have seen recently on your television.  If it weren’t for the commercial air time between Thanksgiving and Christmas you would think nobody ever drinks liquor, sparkling wine, or pomegranate juice.  If not for those four or five weeks (and the week before Mother’s Day) jewelry stores would close.   Women’s fragrances, perfumes, and colognes appear not to be bottled except for this time of year (and that week in May).  Men’s fragrances are not even bottled this one time each year but they are dusted off and shipped to the stores who agree to build even bigger displays of the always more lucrative woman half of the couple version which are bought by the gift-clueless man half of the couple.  If the Christmas season did not exist, neither would DVD versions of “classic” movies and television shows.  And do we even have to mention Chia Pets?

In some cases it is not just the product that only appears at the end of all years.  Sometimes there are entire stores, even entire categories of stores that only show themselves during the Yule season.  In addition to the already noted jewelers, fitness equipment makers (infomercials excepted) and fitness centers, kitchen gadget specialists, and book sellers rarely make themselves known other than during this holiday period.

With all the extra time bought up by these specialties you would think that the routine advertisers might be a bit miffed.  They are, after all, missing out on a lot of chances to push their products.  Don’t worry about them.  As the number of Christmas movies and specials increase, even though there might be fewer numbers of ads for the commercial staples, the interaction between seller and sucker – err, customer – remains at least the same, if not better.  With some well-timed offerings and a new catchy jingle or two those companies will somehow manage to stay in front of the buying public until at least the Super Bowl.  There will always be enough people buying cars, beer, soup, and cell phones.

And do we even have to mention Chia Pets?

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Some People’s Children

Michael Leave a comment

If you aren’t yet you should be looking forward to the day when you become the parent of an adult child.  Oh when you get down to it they really aren’t all that much different from the non-adult child.  Your parenting skills will still be questioned but then, so will their childrening skills.  Many of the issues you already faced yourself.  Most of the problems will be expected, if not actually anticipated, or at least remembered more clearly.  And usually more expensive.

We figure the expense of childhood issues is going to catch up with the little ones shortly.  It all has to do with the recent wave of television commercials portraying children as members of real families and part of the decision making process.  We’ve had kids in commercials since there have been commercials.  Millions of people know that “Mikey likes it” but probably have no idea exactly what it is that Mikey likes.  But Mikey was cute.  And even at today’s inflated prices, we’re talking about a $3.00 box of cereal.  Not a big budget buster.

No, today’s kids are pushing thousands, even hundreds of thousands of dollars in single transactions just by being, well, by being bad kids.  Let’s start with the youngest in the crowd who carries his blanket with him wherever he goes.  Big deal, lots of kids do that.  But this one seems to take great pride into turning his blanket into an ice cream bowl just for kicks.  Grandma scoops out a nice big portion of ice cream and the kid immediately and deliberately dumps it onto his blanket.  Here that blanket would have then been declared garbage and tossed out with the trash.  There Grandma chuckles and the kid wins.  Again, not a budget buster but far from Mikey’s cuteness and a harbinger of things to come.

Those are the small victories that give other commercial children the audacity to demand their way or the highway.  Take the dad and child off the highway and park them on the rim of the Grand Canyon.  One of the Seven Wonders of the World and the kid sits in the car with the look of “yeah, I’ve seen pictures, so what” across his face.  Dad tries to find a way to “get to” his child, finally deciding to drive his new $30,000 car onto a bison range.  There one of the furry beasts walks up next to the car, fogs the window, and the kid is finally impressed.  You can tell he’s impressed because the voice over tells us so, and for a mere $30,000, plus travel expenses and release statement, you too can impress your child.

Perhaps the greatest display of petulance is the 9-ish year old whose parents determine that he should be part of their spending upwards of a quarter of a million dollars on a house.  House after house they look.  House after house he becomes more and more irked at the selections.  What’s missing here?  Why does he not like any of these fabulous structures?  Because there aren’t any big trees where he can build a playhouse.  It’s not just a house; it’s where you raise your family.  Or so says the pleasant voice at the end of the commercial.  Yeah, right.  And in a year he’ll forget about the tree house and for the next 10 years resent all of the leaves his parents will “force” him to rake every fall.  Them and their darn big trees.

Trust us, you’ll welcome being the parent of an adult child when most of the problems are expected.  And maybe not even more expensive.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

The Face of the Legal Profession

Michael Leave a comment

Remember when you were a kid.  Younger.  A little younger.  There!  You were in the backyard and they were picking up sides for the family football game.  Everybody played.  Boys, girls, even old people like teenagers.  And those teens were a font of information.  They would tell the youngsters. “If you want to get picked you have to look mean.  Meaner.  Meaner!”  And mean you looked.  You looked like a cross between a WWE Wannabe and a mountain lion with indigestion.  Very mean.  Some of those young ones, maybe even you, grew up to be a lawyer, but never gave up that face.

We bring this up because lawyers are on TV a lot right now.  Locally there are quite a few high profile cases being tried.  Between the “no comments” from the trial lawyers and prosecutors and the comments from the station commentators there are legal faces all over the television.  All trying to be “serious.”

It’s getting close to general election time and all of the local news outlets are starting to trot out their analysts to analyze the candidates and the candidates’ comments and/or no comments depending on, well, usually just depending because they are, after all, politicians.  Most of these analysts themselves are also politicians (just the ones who lost last time around) and, because you can never have enough of them, lawyers, too.  All trying to be “sincere.”

And because the law schools are pumping out so many lawyers it’s time for some of them to stand out from the crowd.  That means television ads.  For some, YouTube videos even.  (Those are the really scary ones but we digress.)  In these commercials, all the while trying to convince you that he or she is the perfect advocate to get money for you, they put on their not-so-happy face because you want someone not so happy to handle your personal injury claim.  All trying to be “compassionate.”  (Except for the guy with the pony tail who will file your bankruptcy with a smile, with a smile.)

Whether serious, sincere, or compassionate, they all look the same (except that pony tailed guy).  Somewhat like a mountain lion with indigestion.  Someone somewhere has told these lawyers that the law is a noble professional and should be held in reverence.  “So when you’re on TV, don’t look happy at somebody else’s misery!”  Unfortunately, the only non-happy look these guys can muster is wildlife with tummy troubles.

The next time you see a lawyer with some contorted facial expression and with what he thinks are penetrating eyes, don’t rush out to the office with a bottle of Pepto.  His pain will pass.  Faster than his clients’ will.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Truth in Advertising

Michael Leave a comment

Have you seen the ad on television for a laxative that across the bottom of the screen says “this is an advertisement?”  Really now, is this truth in advertising gone too far?  Is it necessary that every time somebody says something on a television ad that they must be identified as professional or everyday Joe?

Pay attention to the next ads for vitamins, pain relievers, or laxatives as they march across your TV screen.  There in a neatly pressed white consultation jacket is the spokesperson to tell you that the laxative will work gently overnight.  Just so you aren’t too taken away by the efficiency of those who invented said laxative, fine print across the bottom of the screen reminds you that the person in the neatly pressed white jacket is a “doctor dramatization.”  An actor even!  Now you know that he didn’t extoll the laxative’s overnight virtues from years of research but just read the ad copy.

Next, somebody is hawking the latest in floor cleaner.  It could be that she is just a regular Joe (or Josephine).  To be sure the little letters across the bottom of the screen now let you know that the person saying those nice things about the latest mop is being compensated for his or her time to tell you what the ad writers have written.

Labor Day recently gone by traditionally ushers in school starts, fall with its turning leaves, cooler temperatures, and the November general election.  Here, television ads for governor have been running on air throughout the summer.  Now they will only increase in frequency and annoyance.  The two candidates have a handful of different ads to air so that, we suppose, nobody gets too tired seeing the same one over and again.  But the one candidate’s, although with different backdrops, all say the same thing and start the same way.  “Did you see my opponent’s ad with this actress talking about me?”  Gee, we didn’t realize they used actors and actresses in political ads.  Is that important?  If they used real constituents to read the script nobody could keep a straight face for those 30 seconds.

It used to be so much easier when whomever regulates advertising said that a company couldn’t say their car got 100 miles per gallon when it barely got ten, when the hamburger bought at a drive through looked at least a little like the one on television, when the laundry soap got at least some of the stains out.

Now that they’ve taken care of those pesky issues we have to be careful that we don’t confuse an ad with a news report.  Remember the next time you see a person drooling over a frozen dinner on television to check the bottom of the screen and see if it doesn’t say “hungry person dramatization.”  You wouldn’t want to be misled that frozen food is tasty in its own right.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Get Ready for the Biggest One-Day Sale All Weekend Long

Michael Leave a comment

Happy Fourteenth of July, our country’s newest holiday.  It must be.  There are sales going on and everybody knows the way Americans mark holidays is through sales and clearances. 

Last Thursday the advertising supplements of almost every store that advertised in the supplement touted their “Last Weekend of Our Fourth of July Sale!”  It was so big that the Sunday advertising supplement had a bunch of ads from that same bunch of retailers that all screamed “Last Week of Our Fourth of July Sale!”  Car dealerships are quite adept at celebrating any one holiday for an entire month. They are now in the middle of their Independence Day Specials that “end August 2.” 

It shouldn’t surprise us that stores are taking 14 days to hold a Fourth of July Sale.  Macy’s regularly has a One Day Sale with special savings on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  The real question here is are there really enough clueless people for a major retailer to have a 3 day One Day Sale and not think twice about it.  Or are we all so desensitized to advertisements that they can call an August Clearance the After Christmas Sale and argue quite convincingly that August is after Christmas.

It’s even gotten the amateur advertisers following suit.  The local volunteer fire company is holding its annual carnival this month and sent out flyers to every household in the township.  Stop by the Carnival the flyer reads.  It goes on to say that festivities start Friday at 7pm, “and beginning earlier.”

It’s a good thing that the Carnival will begin even earlier.  That way people can be there for the opening ceremonies and still have time to hop over to Macy’s for the Friday night kick-off to this Saturday’s One Day Sale. 

Hmm, we’re wondering… if the boss gives you one day to complete a project, can you take 3, 14, or 30 days to work on it?    

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

True Lies

Michael Leave a comment

It’s been twenty years since Arnold Schwarzenegger kept the fact that he was a spy from his movie wife Jaime Lee Curtis in True Lies. She really wasn’t lied to as much as just not told the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Not unlike a lot of stuff that’s going on now.

Even though it’s Spring and we are still getting legitimate bad weather, we do find ourselves with clear skies and no snow every couple of days a week. The weather forecasters, now used to a season’s worth of viewers hanging on to their every isobar must crave the days when something on their radar screens actually shows potential “Severe Weather.”   No problem. If the local forecast has no precipitation nearby, they just bring up some neighboring radar. And, voila, there we have the greens, and the blues, and the whites, and the greys we are used to seeing and they can say with all honesty, “This storm could dump another couple of inches before it’s all over.” Just because it’s 200 miles away doesn’t make it untrue.

Recently a sales brochure showed up in the mail. We think it was a sales brochure. It had glossy pages, colorful pictures, and big fonts declaring “$10 off!” But it never said $10 off what. Of a regular low, low price? Off an already discounted price? Off the manufacturer’s suggested retail price (AKA modern fiction)? There was no indication of what the starting or final price was or is. Ten dollars off, true. Cost to you, who knows.

Fine print is annoying in print ads usually requiring a good strong magnifying glass. Fine print on a television ad is basically useless. It’s at the bottom of the screen, still requiring a magnifying glass even with a 50 inch picture. And just as you are ready to focus in, it disappears. But now we have to deal with fine print on radio ads! If after the ad you hear a breathless individual who manages to speak at an annoying 720 words a minutes all in a near whisper, assume that everything you just heard clearly in the body of the ad has now been modified, restricted, or limited. The ad was absolutely true. You can indeed get cell phone service for 87 cents a month. However, the additional access, roaming, internet, texting, calling, receiving, and bill paying fees add up to $220 for the life of the contract unless the phone company decides to raise any or all of them.

These are just a few examples of today’s true lies. You can come up with many more if you think about it for thirty seconds or so. True? Absolutely. Misleading? Even more so. And it doesn’t take a spy to figure out what’s wrong with those pictures.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?