Category Society

Buffets Make Strange Plate Fellows

Michael Leave a comment

Yesterday I went to brunch at a local family restaurant. Not a fancy Sunday Brunch at a high end establishment. Not a how-much-can-you-pack-on-this-here-plate carnival at a big national chain. A nice, tasty brunch buffet with soups, salads, breakfast regulars, lunch goodies, baked goods, fruit, and desserts at a place you’d not be ashamed to bring your mother to. And while I was there I had one of those “did your mother teach you to do that?” moment. Several, actually.buffet

I suppose I have made some unusual looking plates at a buffet. No matter how structured you might plan your how ever many trips to those tables something in the organization inevitably disappears. Oh but yesterday’s observations took the cake. Or pancake. Or waffle. As in waffles with pierogis? Or fried chicken and sausage gravy with biscuits? Or how about mashed potatoes and scramble eggs all covered with thick, rich brown gravy?

Mind you, I‘m not saying any of those are wrong. Unusual? Yes. Unconventional? Yes.  Unexpected? Certainly to me. But then I did walk away with a plate featuring French toast, sausage patty, eggs, and a selection of olives. I wasn’t going to but I just love those briny, little fruit and it had been so long since I had any. When I heard the containers calling my name I was certain they’d be offended if I asked them to wait until my next trip when their presence on my plate might not raise eyebrows. So I succumbed.

At least I was somewhat original in my combination platter. Not like the guy who ran around from end to end selecting chicken and green beans from the lunch offerings and the waffle and bacon at the breakfast side. Where’s the dare in that? No, my vote for most unusual (at least among those on the same replenishment schedule that I was on) was the lady with a bowl of chili topped with pierogis, bacon, and pine nuts. Now there was a lady who understood the challenge of the buffet!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Shower Power

Michael Leave a comment

Yesterday I had more fun naked than I’ve had in years. I took a shower. Talk about good, clean fun!

To many of us, pretending to be the recipient of an automatic car wash might not seem to be epitome of carnal satisfaction. But I had just been released from an 8 day stay at one of the cleanest places on Earth, a hospital. And boy did I feel grungy.

I am not at all unfamiliar with America’s health care system. For almost 40 years it provided me my pocket change as I toiled on the provider side and for almost 4 years it provided me a place to hang out and spend said hard-earn pockrt change on the patient side. I am very aware, and very appreciated of the advances it has made. Technically, that is. Humanly, maybe not so much. Consider the following.

With modern imaging they can see tiny slivers of our insides down to the 32nd of an inch in detail almost better than lifelike. They can see with sound. My surgeon worked to delicately open my abdominal cavity, clean and repair the offending parts, and then put me back together using a camera through a couple of holes not much bigger than one made by a flu shot needle. Yet when all of that was done I was left to recover in a room with a TV the quality almost as good as a 1960 portable set with rabbit ears wrapped in aluminum foil. (Ask your granfather. He’ll explain.)

I was attached with the necessary wiring so my pulse, heart beat, breathing, and temperature could be monitored from a station 80 feet away. But the aforementioned television was controlled by a remote that contained only Power, Volume Up/Down, and Channel Up/Down buttons. This in a housing that also held the Nurse Call button and, for some reason, a button to set the room lights to three different brightness levels. All that looked much too alike.

And of course, unlike even the smallest movement towards improvement the silly remote has provided to the patient since I started my career those years ago, the one thing that hasn’t changed at all is the hospital gown. The famous see-through garment with non-sleeves that nobody can get their arms into, a neck fastener reminiscent of a backward bow tie, and all in an indecent package that only makes it 80% of the way around your body. And of course the remaining 20% is not on the side.

Yet given all this, on my return I was not overcome with the urge to finger my high tech remote, triggering the high def TV and the surround sound, grateful for work done to keep me going for another 4 to 40 years. It was to strip off those clothes that completely covered me and bask in joy of hundreds of gallon of hot water pouring over me, drenching every pore, soaking every personal nook and cranny. Thank all that is holy that one imorovement we’ve never had to endure is the restorative power of water.

It was enough to make me want a cigarette.

That’s what I think. Really. How ’bout you?

Everything I know about being a gentleman I learned from Hockey.

Michael 3 Comments

When I was at the hockey game this weekend I got to thinking how much as a society we can learn from hockey. Yes, the sport that is the butt of the joke “I went to a fight last night and a hockey game broke out,” is the same sport that can be our pattern for good behavior.

Stay with me for a minute or two and think about this. It started at the singing of the national anthem. I’ve been to many hockey, baseball, football, and soccer games. Only at the hockey games have I ever been in an arena filled with people actually singing along. Only at the hockey games are all of the players reverent to the tradition of honoring the country where they just happen to be playing even though they come from around the world – Canada, Russia, Germany, Sweden, Finland, even a few Americans.

A decent dose of nationalism notwithstanding, hockey has much to offer the gentility. Even those fights. Or rather any infraction. If a player breaks the rules he is personally penalized for it. Ground isn’t given or relinquished like on a battlefield, free throws or kicks aren’t awarded to the aggrieved party like victors in a tort battle. Nope, if you do something wrong you pay the consequences and are removed from play for a specified period in segregation from the rest of your teammates. No challenges, no arguments, no time off for good behavior. Do the crime. Pay the time. In the penalty box. Try doing that to a school child who bullies and you’ll have some civil liberty group claiming you’re hurting the bully by singling him out.

Hockey is good at singling out people but in a good way. At last Saturday’s game the opposing team has two members who had previously played for the home team. During a short break in the action a short montage of those two players was shown on the scoreboard screens and they were welcomed back by the PA announcer. And were cheered and applauded by the fans in attendance. There weren’t seen as “the enemy.” Rather they were friends who had moved away to take another job and were greeted as friends back for a day.

While play is going on in a hockey game play goes on in a hockey game. Only if the puck is shot outside the playing ice, at a rules infraction, or after a goal is scored does play stop. Otherwise, the clock keeps moving and play continues. Much like life. If you’re lucky you might get to ask for one time out but mostly you’re at the mercy of the march of time. Play begins. After a while play ends. If you play well between them, you’ll be ok.

The point of hockey is to score goals. Sometimes goals are scored ridiculously easy, sometimes goals seem to be scored only because of divine intervention. Most times, goals are a result of working together, paying attention to details, and wanting to score more than the opposing team wants to stop you from scoring. There is no rule that says after one team scores the other team gets to try. It all goes back to center ice and starts out with a random drop of the puck. If the team that just scored controls the puck and immediately scores again, oh well.

Since we’re talking about scoring, the rules of hockey recognize that it takes more than an individual to score goals. Hockey is the only sport where players are equally recognized not just for scoring goals but for assisting others who score goals. Maybe you should remember that the next time someone at work says you’ve done a good job.

handshakeThe ultimate good job is winning the championship. The NHL hockey championship tournament is a grueling event. After an 82 game regular season, the top 16 teams (8 from each conference) play a four round best of seven elimination tournament. It takes twenty winning games to win the championship. That’s nearly 25% as long as the regular season. It could take as long as 28 games to play to the finish. That’s like playing another third of a season. After each round only one team moves on. And for each round, every year, for as many years as the tournament has ever been played, and for as many years as the tournament will ever be played, when that one team wins that fourth game and is ready to move on, they and the team whose season has ended meet at center ice and every player on each team shakes the hand of his opponent player and coach, wishing them well as they move on and thanking them for a game well played. No gloating. No whining. No whimpering. Only accepting.

So you goto a fight and a hockey game breaks out. It could be a lot worse.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

I’ll See That

Michael Leave a comment

Now that the airspace during our favorite television shows have been returned to consumer advertisers I can return to hating to see a commercial come on simply because it’s annoying. Given that I spent a fair amount of money on my daughter’s degree in advertising and that hopefully it will be remembered fondly when she someday selects my nursing home, I should probably be more grateful that businesses are still advertising. But that hasn’t yet stopped me from uploading a couple dozen posts that rant on about ads.

My favorite ad annoyances are fine print on television commercials and pictures of things that don’t quite look like what is being sold. Apparently in an effort to make my annoyance easier to manage, advertisers combine the two topics onto one image allowing me to create a multi-tasked rant. Yes, small print that actually says the picture is not quite what is being sold.

In a TV commercial for a mattress sale I noticed the disclaimer in small white font that said, “Mattress photographs are for illustration purposes only.” What does that mean? I hope it’s not their way of saying look at this pretty mattress and look at this great price, and if you just come into the store we will be happy to show you what mattress you really get for this price.

matressad

Car makers have been good about adding fine print to their ads for years. It’s often only a half a shade darker than the background making it effectively illegible even if it wasn’t sized smaller than a well-proportioned dust mite. In addition to disclaimers that models shown may be of a different model year than the current, that some equipment is optional, and that dealers set the actual prices, I spotted one that actually said the one pictured is nice but is roughly $13,000 more than the big numbers that you can read.

carad

I suppose those who are responsible for the fine print (aka corporate lawyers) can argue that we should be happy that they are encouraging their clients to be forthright and truthful in their advertising. But I’m willing to bet that when they submit their bills to their clients that they make sure the total due is in a pretty good sized font.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

What I Did On Election Day

Michael 1 Comment

I don’t know about you but I had a very full day this past Tuesday. And the high point was not the 105 minutes that I stood in line outside the polls waiting for my turn to spend 35 seconds in the voting booth. It sort of reminded me of having an EKG done. But that’s a different story.

My Election Day activities actually began Monday evening when a knock came upon my door. About the only people who knock on my door are relatives and the UPS driver. I knew it wasn’t UPS because when he comes a-knockin’ I’ll hear the truck rumbling outside my window then the THUD of the package and the single rap that follows. And it wasn’t a relative because any of them won’t wait to be received but will knock and then enter on their own. Since this was a “knock, knock” without an accompanying THUD or a subsequent “Hello!” it meant I was going to have to climb out of the recliner where I had just settled in with a much read 38 year old Lawrence Sanders novel.

Upon making my way across the room and opening the door I saw there the rather confused looking yet still earnest looking young man who asked if he might speak to Rosemary. I was tempted to fetch him my terra cotta bound woody herb but even with just those few moments to rush to judgement I decided he wouldn’t get it. So I said, “I’m sorry, there is no Rosemary here,” resisting the temptation to slam the door shut as I returned to Mr. Todd’s ongoing investigation.

Tuesday morning I was up early, showered, shaved, breakfasted on eggs, sausage, muffin, juice and coffee, and set off to do my patriotic duty. The large breakfast was because I figured it was going to be a bit of a wait so I wanted to be properly fortified; the shower and shave was because you never know who you might meet wherever crowds gather. I had gotten as far as the outside of my front door when I was met with my first head-scratcher. A note. A sticky note. A sticky note stuck to the outside of my front door that read, “Rosemary, Stopped by to remind you to get out and vote!” I was certain the young chap meant to conclude with “XOXO” but ran out of crayon.

With those thoughts pushed deep into the darkest corner of my mind I drove the few miles down the road to where two of my municipality’s 12 districts share a building. The building’s south entrance, where residents of District 7 go to vote, had about 12 people waiting visible through the glass doors. I could tell because I saw them after I found the end of the line of District 9 voters stretching from the building’s north entrance, across a portico, though a tree-lined courtyard with some tenaciously holding onto quite a few leaves (trees, not voters), and along the overflowing parking lot. And there I joined the mini-throng where people wondered out loud how far they would have to move in order to get to vote with District 7.voted

To make a long story short I should have stopped about 350 words ago. But since I’ve gotten you to read this far, let me continue.

While there in line I got to hear how to mark fabric for cutting out a pattern when you have no tailor’s chalk, the shortcomings of Candy Crush versus Bejeweled, why 12 year olds can’t vote, that yes this is the same polling place for District 9 as it has been for at least 12 years, why if banks can take your money at any branch you can’t go to vote at any poll, and who are all these other people (that one by the obviously clueless but much too old looking to be a first time voter upon seeing the complete sample ballot indicating all of the candidates in all of the day’s races at the building entrance).

From there it was only another 15 minutes or so until I was through the rest of the line and being ushered to a machine where I was left to make my selections. In all of the day’s races. I was on my way to the exit doors when a poll worker stopped me and said he had run out of “I VOTED!” stickers but if I’d wait he would only be a few minutes while he went to get more from his supply across the room. “No thank you,” I told him. “If I really need to prove I voted I’m sure my new nervous twitch due to the muscle memory of trying to fight the urge not to push the “Cast Your Vote” button will convince just about anybody that I did what I had to do to get my free cup of coffee.”

And then I went home and had some coffee. With just a wee bit of bourbon to sweeten the brew!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Truth in Advertising

Michael 1 Comment

One more day and it’s Election Day across America. And this post has NOTHING to do with the election. Yippee!!!

But it is about something that I discovered during the crazed advertising season that this crazed election season has turned into. And it’s something that the consumer advertisers can learn from those abhorrent televised political ads. (But the politicos can learn a thing or two from consumer advertisers so don’t think they’re going to get off without a talking to (or about).)

Did you know that there are actually specific regulations to which political ads are expected to adhere? For one thing, any small print on a political ad can’t be small. Actually it can’t be any smaller, nor in any font/background combination less contrasting, than the smallest font in the body of the ad. Can you imagine what this would mean to the legal, insurance, and new car advertising industry? No more teeny print containing the printed equivalent of a 12 page disclaimer packed into the bottom 2% of the screen, that’s what it would mean!

Another expectation of those political ads is the famous equal time provision. Whatever time is bought by Candidate A must be made available to Candidate B. And there would be no question about a broadcaster not airing either because the law states that television and radio stations must provide commercial time to presidential candidates. (These provisions address time bought by the candidates or their own campaign committees, not to the time purchased by third parties “not affiliated with any candidate.”)  Imagine how easy it would be to truly evaluate the benefits of the Chevy you’re contemplating buying if you were able to see the Ford commercial right after it.

Of course that’s all assuming that the information presented in those competing ads actually addressed factual information regarding the advertised product. And we know they do because of the truth in advertising laws out there. You would never hear a commercial for a Ford say “Don’t buy a Chevy. They can start all by themselves and run you over in your own driveway.” You’d never hear it because nobody would ever produce or air such a statement. But that’s where the politicians can take a cue from the consumer advertiseronadvertisings. Did you know that there is a regulation that a broadcaster cannot vet, edit, or refuse to air a political ad? What they get from the campaign is what they put on the air.

David Ogilvy was a wizard in advertising. In fact in 1962, Time Magazine called him “the most sought-after wizard in today’s advertising industry.” He has been called the Father of Advertising and is known for his attention to reality and his ability to persuade by carrying on a conversation with his audience. He was a pioneer in creating ads that didn’t insult the intelligence of the consumer. Unfortunately his children haven’t been following his life’s lessons whether pushing car makers or candidates.

Now that I think of it, the politicians could stand to learn that lesson also. Perhaps it’s a lesson at least one of them can sign up for on Wednesday.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

PS – Don’t forgot to vote – assuming you have some idea what you are voting for. Yes, I said “what,” not “who.” If you can’t articulate at least one cogent reason for casting your ballot other than “at least it’s not a vote for him/her/it/them” then, um, maybe it would be better if you did forget to vote.

Getting Even

Michael Leave a comment

It’s time to do it again. This Saturday we go through the twice yearly resetting of the clocks returning from Daylight Saving Time to Standard Time, reclaiming the hour lost six months ago. Almost 3/4 of the world move their clocks back and forth each spring and fall so there’s little I can say to add to people’s already well-rehearsed feat. That didn’t stop me from chipping my 17 cents (inflation) into the pot a handful of times already but I was certain it would be enough to stop me from a sixth time. And it would have been but for an article I saw in yesterday’s paper. (Now that I think about it, quite a few of my most recent posts have been prompted by something I saw in the paper. I wonder what that says about me, other than that I still get my news from the paper?)

changeclockAlthough I’ve poked fun at our semi-annual temporal shifts, this particular article that I read was quite serious about the effects of, and tips to adapt to, the change in time, comparing it to the effects of jet lag. Uh, hello. We’re talking about an hour, not having to deal with the effects of not sleeping through a flight from New York to Brussels. Is it really necessary to go to bed 15 minutes earlier each night for 4 nights so that by Saturday we’ll not subject ourselves to the drama of shifting an entire hour as a single event? I seem to recall quite a few nights in my life when I went to bed an hour earlier or later, or mornings when I arose an hour after or before I intended and life still went on. I can tell because my life went on.

The author suggested that a consequence of the fall time change is a greater number of accidents because people stay up later, sometimes drinking, and end up driving sleepier or more intoxicated. Again, we’re talking an extra hour, not an extra evening, and I’m certain there are many, many more people spending this extra hour at home in bed rather than imbibing in an extra fall cocktail. As far as those who are out and about guzzling pumpkin ales at 2 o’clock this Sunday morning, I really don’t think this Sunday morning is going to be unique among Sunday mornings for them and we should be thankful that we’re one of the many, many more who spent that extra hour in bed.

I may be all wrong about this but I think that the greatest consequence to the time change is that some people will forget to re-set their clocks and will end up an hour early for church this Sunday. Perhaps those folks can spend that extra time there praying for the roustabouts who spent an extra hour socializing the night before.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Scary Stuff and Other Frightening Things

Michael Leave a comment

What scares you? Are you like Franklin Roosevelt going about life fearing nothing but fear itself (which can be either all-comforting or all-encompassing depending on your particular bend)? Or are you like Charlie Brown troubled with real imagined fears (or imagined real fears) but most afraid of rejection by the Little Red Haired Girl? Or are you more likely to be afraid of those things that everybody else says are more afraid of you than you are of them (your fears, not everybody else)?

Well, fear no more about being besot with fearful fears and fearing nobody knows the fears that you fear.  Chapman University has released its 2016 List of Fears just in time for Halloween 2016 – or Election Day 2016 depending on that bend again. OK, it released it three weeks ago but it took me a while to find it. It took me two weeks to even realize it was out there to be found!ghost

What I found when I found it is that it’s actually kind of frightening to think about some of the things people are afraid of. Almost 22% of those survey are afraid of the government using drones within the country’s borders. They didn’t specify what they were afraid of those drones doing, presumably just hanging out and watching. Nearly sixteen percent expressed a fear of technology, specifically “technology that I don’t understand.” If I was in that group I’d be in huge trouble. I don’t even understand how a radio works and we’re talking nineteenth century technology.

The order people give to fears also makes one wonder. More people are afraid of having property stolen (25.5%) than of being the victim of a violent crime (19.4%). So much for “at least you weren’t hurt; you can always replace things” being words of comfort to a break-in victim. Same goes for those who are just slightly less afraid of ObamaCare (It certainly has problems but I’m not sure how you actually can be afraid of it) and credit card fraud (both coming in at 35.5%) than having a loved one being seriously ill or dying (35.9% and 38.1% respectively).

But it’s Halloween. Surely ghosts and goblins are on the list somewhere. Ghosts, yes (8.9%), goblins, no. But zombies strike fear in even more people than ghosts do (10.2%). Yet even with all the recent bad publicity, clowns are the second least feared item on this year’s list frightening 7.8% of those surveyed (and coming in a whole percentage point higher than the fear of others talking about you behind your back – something I’m not afraid of at all since I’m sure most of you do as soon as you finish reading one of these posts).

So what was the one thing most feared by Americans? From over 1500 responses to 79 identified fears, Americans most feared not some natural disaster, not some man-made disaster, not even some supernatural disaster. Over 60% of Americans (60.6% to be as exact as the survey said), are most afraid of corrupt government officials. Now, if you’re living in Denmark you probably can’t relate to the thought of government corruption but then you still believe in the boogeyman.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

To see the complete list of fears, click here. Oh, go ahead. Don’t be scared.

 

Just Shoot Me

Michael Leave a comment

I’ve been shot. I suppose it was about 10 days ago now. I got my flu shot. I can probably count on one hand the number of years I didn’t get a flu shot all the way back to when I can remember doctors keeping lollipops on their desks for the good boys and girls who got their flu shots.

For years I worked in a hospital and getting a flu shot was just something you did every year. It went along with doing annual evaluations, decorating for Halloween, complaining about getting a lousy turkey for a Christmas bonus, and renewing your parking permit. Everyone grumbled about it but everyone did it.flu

Now that I’m not working I have to remind myself to get a flu shot. And while I was busy reminding myself I thought I’d remind you. Get your flu shot.  If you are a southern hemisphere resident hold that thought for 6 months.

I never understood people who would come up with a dozen different reasons not to get a flu shot when it’s so effective at preventing the flu and when getting the flu can be so devastating. No, you won’t get the flu from the flu shot. You can’t get the flu from a flu shot any more than a zombie will eat your brains. The virus in the flu shot is dead – even more dead than an undead zombie. It can’t come back to life and infect you. What can happen is that you can get a cold or a fall allergy or a seasonal bacterial sinus or respiratory infection coincidentally to when you get the flu shot but it’s not the flu.

You can get the flu in the same year that you get the flu shot if you don’t get it at the right time. Now is the right time. The flu shot doesn’t start working the instant the needle pierces your skin. It takes about two weeks for the vaccine to work its magic on your immune system so it is at its peak in protecting you against a live flu infection. You should schedule your shot about a month before the anticipated beginning of the flu season. If you wait too long to get a flu shot and you are exposed to the flu virus before your body can adequately prepare enough antibodies to repel an assault you can get the flu. The high dose version of the flu shot may provide effective resistance a bit sooner but should not be used as an option to timely inoculation.

You can also get the flu late in the season even if you got a flu shot if the circulating viruses mutate more quickly than expected and if your immune system is weakened by age or compromised by other diseases or conditions. For individuals with compromised immune systems the flu vaccine should be active for about six months. If you have weakened immune system and the active flu season in your area is expected to last past March or April you might consider asking your physician if you should repeat the flu shot six months after your initial vaccination.

Sorry if this post sounded too much like a public service announcement. It’s probably just a result of those years I spent in public service.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

An All American Special Edition

Michael Leave a comment

It’s not Monday. It’s not Thursday. Why is there a Real Reality post today? Because it’s Presidential Debate #3. Before you go running off, stick with me for just a minute. This is NOT a “political” post, it is NOT an endorsement, it is NOT a rant. It’s a plea to the American readers to stop and take a breath. I can’t take listening to the rants of everybody else – door knockers, phone callers, TV ads, political “experts,” and the so-call politicians themselves about how unfit these choices are.

Stop! I don’t care if you are fervently supporting one or the other, if you use your head and are truly honest to yourself, you see it too.

Look, every election from the second one has had at least one candidate harping on why the other candidate(s) is and/or are unfit for the office. But this has to be the first time that there have been NO ads by a candidate extolling past positive results by him or herself. If you were in the position to hire an employee for your workplace would you sit through an interview where the candidate never speaks to his or her past results but rather details the reasons why the other applicants are irresponsible choices and you shouldn’t have even ever considered them? Likewise, it you were applying for a job that comes with a guaranteed four year contract and the option for a similar extension, would you not probably spend as much time and energy as possible documenting your past work experience, successes, references, and plans for advancement?

For as many elections as I remember I have heard people say “I don’t like John Doe so I’m going to vote for Joe Smith.” But again, perhaps for the first time, are there television ads of people saying “I don’t agree with [fill in the blank, they’ve both run them], but I just can’t vote for [t’other one] so I’m going to vote for someone I really don’t care for either.” I’m sure when each party saw who the other party was going to nominate for president cheers went up around the wargames tables. And then when each party saw who their party was going to nominate for president eyebrows went up.

You know, there actually are other choices. On the presidential ballot in every state there will be a third candidate. Yep, if you really can’t see yourself brushing the touch screen (does anybody still have levers?) for Clinton or Trump you can consider Johnson. In at least 45 states (as of the end of last month, perhaps more by Election Day) you can also consider Stein. Don’t know who those other two are? You won’t see them on tonight’s debate any more than you’ll see any rational discussion of platforms, policies, or proposals. Plop them into your favorite search engine and search.

I meant what I said when I began this post. This is NOT an endorsement. I don’t mean to tell you that you should consider voting for a third, or a fourth party candidate. What I do mean to tell you is that if you are really going to make your vote count you better be making that vote based on something other than sound bites, attack ads, and non-debates. It takes more than just voting to do your civic duty. It takes casting an informed vote.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?