Category Life

That Play’s The Thing, That Thing They Do

Michael Leave a comment

Have you ever been to a local community theater production of … anything? 

Those of you who answered yes are excused from the remainder of this missive.  You’re welcome to stay but you probably won’t read anything you don’t already know.  Then again, maybe you better stick around.  You never know what’s going to march across this screen.

Those of you who answered no are hereby put on double secret probation and you can’t get off of it until you go.  For Heaven’s sake, go!

Really, we are that taken by the power of the local community theater, from the over-acting to the kitschy program books, to the recorded music, to the cramped theaters.  This is entertainment.

Ok, this is also a little weird.  Grown people reliving their high school spring musical days?  Actually, it’s not so weird.  Grown people honing the talents they discovered in one of the “youth is wasted on the young” activities we’ve all been a part of but few keep alive.

Think of the other activities that made up your younger days and how you felt about them then.  Swimming every weekend at the local pool, knowing for sure that Greg Louganis was no match for your diving skills.  Confidently matching across the football field stepping two, turning left, stepping eight, twice in place, turn right, all while playing the flight song on your clarinet.  Even Benny Goodman couldn’t match your style.  Speeding along on the Schwinn, Day 4 of the Tour de France and your fourth day in the yellow shirt.  Taking the layup to the hoop, your hands above the rim, your signature shoes shimmering in the light of the studio lamps filming the commercial that used to feature that has been, Michael Somebodyorother.  Healthy activities every one.  Healthy imaginations to go with them.  Imagination.  A commodity many fear will never again reach the peak when we were young now that computer games have overtaken recreation as the child’s national pastime.

Now wait a minute, who is to say it has.  Don’t kids still ride bikes, and swim on weekends, and play high school sports, and march in bands?  Maybe we’re being a bit unfair.  Their imagination is still working.  It’s just taking a different turn.  And there are still high school musicals every spring.  (You knew eventually we’d get back to that, didn’t you?)

Those high school musicals.  Who didn’t walk out on to the stage knowing his or her next entrance would be at the Tony Awards?  But while the swimmer and the musician and the sports figure in us have stepped aside so we can fit into our adult life, the actor has found the community theater.  The actor, the director, the stage hand, the producer, the set decorator, the wardrobe and make-up artists all still have a home, a legitimate home where imagination still features raising the silver medallion of the masks comedy and tragedy.  So we applaud the actor, the director, the stage hand, and the others for sharing their imagination and presenting some of the most energetic live theater you’ll ever experience.

Paul Newman said, “To be an actor you have to be a child.”  We agree.  You have to have the wonder that children know and adults crave.  While the professional gets the great opportunity to live that wonder throughout a lifetime most of us only get fleeting moments of it as adults.  Throughout those little theaters tucked away in every neighborhood where lines are tortuously rehearsed, directions are painstakingly prepared, and stages are carefully dressed, the wonder of youth bathes everyone who enters.  Even the audience.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Your Turn to Keep Score

Michael 3 Comments

This morning there was a story on the morning TV news about a shooting that killed a teenager, put his aunt in the hospital, and superficially wounded his grandmother.  Truly tragic and something that happens far too frequently.   Later in the afternoon She of We called to He of We and asked if he heard the story about the shooting last night.  Who got shot?  In the morning paper the teen had still been killed but now the grandmother was in the hospital and the aunt was treated and released.

One of the first printed reports of Friday’s cruise ship accident off the Italian coast said the ship was “three quarters underwater and sinking fast.”  Four sentences later a statement attributed to Coast Guard officials said “the liner was listing at 20 degrees but was not in danger of sinking.”

Death always surpasses imprecisions on the accuracy meter, and our sympathies to those who lost loved ones in urban violence and vacations gone very badly.  This is not a rant about who spelled what wrong or which homonym was misused today.

But we have to admit our first question to ourselves was, what is more important, getting it right, or getting a headline?  While we were batting that one about we think we may have come across the bigger problem.  It’s not an issue with incorrect reporting.  It’s not an issue with inaccurate editing.  It’s much more pervasive.  It goes back to “everyone’s a hero.”

Let us explain.  How long has it been since the fashion became that little leagues no longer keep score?  That everybody bats every inning?  That every youth gymnastic tournament participant goes home with a trophy? How long has it been since we started instilling in our young people that there are no losers?  Long enough that those children are now young adults writing for our newspapers and web-sites and anchor people.  Long enough that they are also our young firemen, and nurses, and building inspectors.  Long enough that they will soon be our doctors and lawyers.  Long enough that someday they will be running for Congress, President, and your local school board.

Are you young enough, and were you naïve enough to allow your children to believe that there is no winning or losing?  If so, what did you tell your son at his first major league baseball game when the home team lost and the beer soaked fan in the row behind you expressed his displeasure?  What did you tell your daughter when she watched the Olympics for the first time and asked why the gymnasts were crying?  Petty issues?  Perhaps.  But life isn’t all winning.  Once a child is old enough to stand he’s old enough to fall down.  Doesn’t he deserve the courtesy of being told he might?

What do you tell yourself when a group of teens knocks on a door and shoots a child of 16 and a firefighter at the scene is quoted “There’s been a lot of stupid stuff going on?”  How do you reconcile the captain going down with the ship in the movie but going to safe harbor in a life boat in real life?  Once a child is old enough to stand he’s old enough to be pushed over.  Doesn’t he deserve the guidance of being told how to avoid it?

What do you tell the world when the world extrapolates one with no winners or losers to one with no right or wrong?  Have we created that world of harmony for our now young adults by taking the pressure of winning off them when they were our young children?  Or have we created a world of discord for our now young adults – a world where they are unprepared for conflict, discipline, and getting things right because they never had to as young children?  We can’t be outraged at a teen who takes losing so badly that he has to shoot others when we never taught him how to be a gracious winner.   

If you didn’t keep score then, you can’t be an umpire now.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

With Three You Get Collections

Michael 1 Comment

Where does a collection end and an obsession begin?  For that matter, where does a collection begin?  We believe that with two you have a spare.  With three you have a collection.   Webster prefers not to be so specific, calling a collection a mass or a pile, as in “that’s a pile of money you have there” if someone was to describe your twenty dollar bill collection.  But why do we even care?

In the news this weekend was the report that someone paid $1.38 million (a pile of money, for sure) for a penny.  It bears mentioning that it was a penny minted in 1793 and it was all copper.  Ok, it bears most mentioning that it was minted in 1793 but the news people all seemed a bit obsessed with it being copper, too.  That penny came up in our discussion over brunch and that’s why we care.

Those shows on television that claim to be reality shows (unlike this very blog you are reading that we know is the real reality show), might like to lead viewers to believe that finding a million dollar penny is no harder than breaking into your piggy bank, blowing the dust of the pennies that appear to be all copper, make up a good story to go with one, and drop it off at the local pawn shop.  If that doesn’t work, go bid on a storage shed that has been ignored by its renter for long enough to get on the “sell for rent” list and you will certainly find at least one million dollar penny, probably 3 or 4, taped to the inside of a clarinet case underneath the felt covering.  They’ll also tell you that if you don’t find that million dollar penny and you keep buying up clarinet cases looking for it, and you keep all the empty clarinet cases in the kitchen piled so high that you can’t get to your trash compactor, all it takes is a weekend with some assertive relatives and a professional organizer (household, not union), and you too can avoid eviction, commitment, or both.

But we digress…

She of We asked why somebody would pay so much for something that, at face value, is only worth one cent.  He of We cautioned her that she has art hanging on her wall for which somebody paid much more than face value if face value is calculated by the cost of canvas and paint.  It’s in the beauty of it.  It gives her joy to look at.  And there is the reason.  Beauty and joy trump face value every time.

The collecting game is probably not terribly rational.  There are many this weekend who are questioning the sanity of that unidentified buyer of the 1793 penny and his $1.38 million bid.  Both of We have several collections and in their entirety they don’t cost $1.38 million.  In their entirety they may not cost more than the computer you are using to read these words.  Yet there are still some people who may question the sanity of spending even just a few dollars for one more Mr. Potato Head, one more holiday inspired animated hat, or one more miniature version of a 1960’s era full size toy.  Some may question putting our risk of insanity in the same category of one who spends well over $1 million on a single coin as somewhat ambitious.  Then again, some people may consider putting a pile of hats that sing and move up and down in the same category as a coin collection is in itself pretty ambitious.

What is a collection?  Encarta gets a little more verbose than Webster and is willing to state that a collection is a set of objects held for its interest, value, or beauty.  So what is the value of that 1793 penny?  One cent?  $1.38 million?  It’s been said the value of any object is how much somebody is willing to pay for it, yet its worth is how much somebody wants for it.  Rarely are worth and value equal.  If our collections actually cost what we feel they are worth, they would far exceed our ability to pay for them, thus lowering their value to us.  But it is because we place such worth on these objects that give us so much joy that they are so valuable to us.

Yes, a collection is interesting and beautiful and valuable.  And not at all rational.  And just a little obsessive.  But perfectly sane.  If we didn’t covet those things of beauty that give us such joy, why would we want anything?  Is it crazy to spend $1.38 million for a coin?  Is it crazy to spend $20 for a hat that plays “The Stars and Stripes Forever?”  The answer to both is yes.  But neither is the question.  The question is, what is it worth to look upon what you have and say you wanted it, you looked for it, you found it, you got it, and you like having it for the joy that it brings you?  It’s worth more than all the money in the world.  It truly is priceless.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Star Polisher

Michael 1 Comment

January 5, Twelfth Night, the Eve of the Epiphany, the last evening that precedes the Twelfth Day of Christmas.  Ok, that can be a little confusing but think like most businesses that are open 24 hours think, such as a hospital or a large supermarket.  At most places where a day takes up 24 hours, shifts for any given day don’t begin at midnight.  They start the evening before the following day.  Ok, that’s still confusing.  Trust us, tonight is Twelfth Night, tomorrow is the Twelfth Day of Christmas, aka the Epiphany.  Remember?  Those three kings bearing gifts following yonder star.  Star of wonder.  Star of light.  Ok, now hold that thought.

We were talking the other day about things like New Year’s Resolutions (which if you read our post from January 2 you know we’re holding until March), needy friends, and end of the year burn out.  We don’t have so many friends that we can afford to alienate any of them by not responding to their needs.  On the other hand, we don’t have so many free hours in any day that we can constantly be serving their neediness.  That was when we had our own epiphany.  That’s epiphany with a little “e” – a sudden intuitive leap of understanding.  We have become Star Polishers.

She of We coined the phrase “Star Polisher” to describe those people that one turns to when one needs his or her self-esteem or star, brightened or polished.  Like most couples, we are each other’s star polisher.  It really only takes a little maintenance to keep our stars shiny and bright.  Most of the time we do it without even noticing that we are doing it.  A comment about looking nice today, a thank you for dinner, or an unexpected gift.

The ability to polish somebody’s star is an awesome responsibility. Friends and loved ones seek you out because they know that no matter what, you will make them feel warm and worthwhile and connected to this thing we call life.  Seeing and finding the best part of people when they want to give up or give in is a gift.  It’s the listening, the smile, or even the tears that keep us connected to each other.  And as we begin a new year it’s time to reconnect with each other.

She of We is such a good polisher that many of her stars have found their own twinkle.  A professional in the hard sciences who really would rather be an artist becoming that artist and seeing his work hung in a gallery.  A musician once literally travelling from gig to gig now filling rooms at request with each person called by name, each thanked personally.  A manager once questioning if his ascent was only because he was around the longest now confident that even if a new Day One should ever come he’ll still be “top of the heap.”  They are enough to make a Star Polisher beam.  

But Star Polishers must be wary of the Star who never gets bright enough.  These stars know who they are.  They call or text about every problem in life no matter how inconvenient it may be.  They know exactly when they are becoming tarnished – the bad relationship, the lousy job, nobody understands them.  They claim so many blemishes all at once that even an extra strength polishing isn’t going to satisfy them.  They hover in your doorway at work, they are on your voicemail at home, and they are in your e-mail at both.  They never ask if you have time to spend on them.  It never occurs to them to ask how you are.  They barge right in and are taken aback if you have to delay the polishing until a better time, even if it means only a few minutes delay. 

Star Polishers need to take special care not to have their own stars burned out.  Sometimes the Polishers have to admit that they have given all the shine that they have.  They love you and wish you nothing but the best but it’s time to look inside yourself and shine on your own for a while.  There are times when even She of We uses so much energy polishing other stars that she loses some of her shine.  Your job if you find yourself polished up by one of her kind is to say “thank you” and acknowledge the unexpected gift that you’ve been given.  Take a moment to become the Polisher’s Polisher.  That’s the number one way to make sure your own Star Polisher will always have some sparkle handy for you.

So it’s only one gift.  It was only one star.  And it’s still pretty bright.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Be It Resolved

Michael 6 Comments

Today is January 2, the day resolutions die.  It might be more effective to make annual New Year’s Indecisions.  January 2.  It used to be the start of white sales.  Then they got pushed deeper into January and we’re not terribly sure anybody even still has white sales as we once knew them.  So even that inauspicious occasion has deserted the second day of the year.  Deserted it, just like all those resolutions. 

And why shouldn’t’ they.  Be real people, January is a terrible time to start a new year.  There is no astronomical occurrence that coincides with it.  There is no historical or pre-historical event that occurs with it.  It’s only claim is that it falls a week after Christmas and with most workers getting a couple days off for each of the holidays, if one was so inclined one can manage to take a whole week off without burning a whole week’s worth of vacation days. 

Yes, the only thing New Year’s Day is really known for is for continuing the stress of the holiday period.  We’re already overwhelmed with traditional foods and customs of one holiday and now we’re tossing in a whole different set of superstitions and menu restrictions to heighten our anxiety. What can we eat?  What can’t we eat?  Is the first person through the door carrying the right kind of bread with him?  Is the first person through the door a him?  Donuts, pretzels, or grapes?  Should the host drink first?  Do we need more gifts?  Which way is the wind blowing?  And on top of all that you want resolutions, too?  Yeah, right.

If New Year’s Day came later in the year, perhaps when the days are getting warmer and flowers are starting to bloom, then we can come up with some good resolutions.  Come see us when we’re not standing knee deep in used gift boxes trying to remember if they are recyclable, reorganizing our closets to make way for this winter’s post-holiday sizes, cleaning out the refrigerator of all the traditional holiday foods that everybody wanted but nobody ate.  Ask us to set goals when Mother Nature is setting some of hers, not when Old Man Winter is threatening to make a comeback from an overly mild December.

The ideal time for New Year’s would be late March, just about when spring is springing.  It’s far enough away from Valentine’s Day and Easter that we can use a holiday then.  The long depressing nights are over so our resolutions can be positive and begin with “we resolve that we will do this” like the start of a real goal rather than “we will never again do that” like the opening for a bad excuse.  Actually, up until a couple hundred years on the BC side of year counting, the beginning of the year was celebrated at the Vernal Equinox.  It wasn’t until the Ancient Romans with their penchant for tinkering with the calendar pushed it around to where it is today.

So our resolution for this year is to make our resolutions this spring.  Come see us then, but make sure you have a loaf of bread, a piece of coal, and a bag of money.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Say What?

Michael Leave a comment

Should old acquaintances be forgot?  Depends on the acquaintance and if he – or she – is old, long, and sighs.

Not only is it bad enough that New Year’s Eve comes at the end of a year, a most traumatic time for many, usually the last we hear of it is sung to a song written a couple hundred years ago in a language not many understand derived from poems written a couple hundred years earlier still in a language fewer use.  But sing it we do.  Even if we don’t have a clue to what we’re singing.

Somewhere, sometime, somebody translated most of the song.  We don’t know how accurate the translation is but we’ve been singing it that way since Guy Lombardo led his Pennsylvanians into the New Year that was 1930.  The Scottish poet Robert Burns wrote the lyrics as we know them in 1788.  He wrote more 500 poems and this is the one we remember at least once a year.  His inspiration may or may not have come from even earlier songs and poems dating to the 1500s.  Those earlier songs would seem to have or have not themselves inspired by yet even older Scottish folk songs of love and friendship.  It’s odd that even those whose careers rely on interpreting literature can’t agree on what the words mean.  The version Burns put to paper appears to be of friends recently parted.  Some say the lyrics refer to battles fought for king and country and some for God and honor.  Some have interpreted them to speak of a bond among men and some to a relationship between a man and a woman.  And those are of the lyrics we understand.

And no wonder there is confusion.  There’s not even consensus of what the title means.  We tried to research what those three little words really are and what they really mean.  The problem with “auld lang syne” is that it sounds suspiciously like English so most people feel they know what the words are and what they mean.  Odd long sign.  All sung high.  Old dang sign.  Old long high.  Odd dang high.  The first four references we checked gave us four different translations:  old long ago, time long past, old times’ sake, and times gone by.  So we gave up.  They mean whatever you want them to mean. 

We take them to mean that one should remember the year just ending and wish every friendship grows a year older by the end of next year.  The memory of every moment spent is a gift for the moments yet to come.  Every day gone by is an opportunity to welcome a new day.

Should old acquaintance be forgot? 
Oh dear let’s never mind. 
We’ll beg a cup the kind you brought
and pay you back some other time.

Hey, Happy New Year!

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

On the Second Day of Christmas

Michael 1 Comment

Happy Day after Christmas, or if you prefer, St. Stephen’s Day or Boxing Day.  We don’t think much about the day after Christmas.  Usually it’s back to work, start thinking what resolution we’ll be breaking sometime in January, or where did we put those receipts. 

There are some who will continue to give presents throughout the twelve days of Christmas or in some fashion commemorate the march of the Wise Men.  For many though, the days immediately after Christmas are seen as the end of the season and the more common discussions heard around water coolers, proverbial and literal, are of when will you be taking down the decorations, have you gotten all those toys put together, and did you get what you wanted for Christmas.

Neither of us is so dramatic as to have a tree at the curbside on December 26 although both of us know people who will cart their formerly grandly decorated evergreen to the curb as soon as after Christmas Day’s festivities have ended.  No doubt these are the people who had purchased their live trees while so many others were celebrating Black Friday.  He of We typically keeps his outdoor decorations up and lit until the Feast of the Epiphany.  (If you promise not to tell too many others we are willing to reveal that it started out because it’s usually just too darned cold, snowy, and ice-covered to take them down too soon after Christmas so he figured he might as well look like he knows the story.)   

Both of We remember those days when Christmas came partially assembled.  No matter how hard we and parents all over the world tried, not everything could get assembled before the holiday.  The hope was that the children would be so taken by whatever was assembled they wouldn’t notice the brakeless bike behind the tree.  Uh huh.  Distractions might buy you that extra day but eventually the tools and assembly guides would be share space at the lunch table with the leftover hams, turkeys, and roasts and we and parents all over the world re-opened Santa’s Workshop, South Division come December 26.

 A terrific sentiment for a Christmas card would be “Some friends know the gift of friendship is more important that crass commercialism or material presents.  Aren’t you glad I’m one of them?”  But honestly a good, heartfelt, well thought gift means a lot also.  And we got lots of them.  Enough to gloat even!  But we won’t.  We also got a reminder that for all that we mean to each other, friend is always near the top of that list.  About that we will gloat!

So there are ten days to go to complete the proverbial Twelve Days of Christmas.  According to PNC Financial Services, this year’s total will run one willing to fulfill all of the wishes of his (or her) true love $24,263.18.  Perhaps we’ll just stick with our true love’s friendship.  It really is priceless.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

Merry Christmas

Michael Leave a comment

Buon Natale

Frohe Weihnachten

Veselé Vánoce

Joyeux Noël

Nollaig Shona

Priecīgus Ziemassvētkus

Feliz Navidad

Hyvää Joulua

Boldog Karácsonyt

Feliz Natal

Nadolig Llawen

Mutlu Noeller

Geseënde Kersfees

Selamat Hari Natal

Linksmų Kalėdų

Gëzuar Krishtlindjet

Sretan Božić

Glædelig jul

Maligayang Pasko

Häid jõule

Wesołych Świąt

Καλά Χριστούγεννα

Lorem Nativitatis

 

Merry Christmas!

 

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

 

And the Winner Is…

Michael 1 Comment

Christmas movies…some of the all-time classic movies are Christmas movies.  “White Christmas,” “Miracle on 34th Street,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “Emmett Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas.”  Well, there’s clearly something for everyone in the Christmas movie catalog.   What’s your favorite?

Those who know say that the number one Christmas movie of all time may be “A Christmas Story.”  And indeed the movie itself can be a ‘major award’ of holiday classic-ism.  There’s no mistaking it for anything but a holiday favorite.  It’s even in the name.  Ditto for “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” and “White Christmas.”  Yes it takes more than putting “Christmas” in the title to make a movie a yuletide hit but it doesn’t hurt.

There are some dark horses out there that you’d not guess from title or plot would ever become holiday favorites but ask anybody who’s personal collection contains a copy of “We’re No Angels” that it’s often the answer to the trivia question, ‘name a Christmas movie starring Humphrey Bogart.’  It also doubles as the answer to the question, ‘name a comedy starring Humphrey Bogart.’  (Didn’t know there was one, of either, did you?)

Comedies and Christmas are a natural combination.  Why not?  Both make you feel good.  “Home Alone” (one or two, we never were real sure about 3) combines tickles and tinsel and still throws in a couple ‘feels so good you want to cry’ moments.  From “Miracle on 34th Street” to “The Santa Clause” comedies have been proving that there really is a Santa, even going to court when necessary.

Christmas and music is almost a requirement.  We finally get to hear Schroeder play his miniature grand in “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and it is grand.  Ok, technically that’s not a movie but it is 25 minutes of sheer holiday joy.   Even movies not about Christmas but set around the Christmas holiday a la “Die Hard” 1 and 2 can’t resist putting a Christmas song somewhere in the mix. 

What about Christmas and the Muppets.  Either one can make any child, and almost any adult squeal delightfully.  Christmas is ahead, there being a little over 2,000 of them but the Muppets are close with over a dozen movies and specials starring Jim Henson’s puppets.  A true classic among them is “Emmett Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas,” Henson’s adaptation of Russell Hoban’s twist on there’s a reason that everything happens as it does.   

And don’t forget about families at Christmas.  “Christmas Vacation,” “Christmas with the Kranks,” “Home Alone,” “A Christmas Story,” and about 4,000 others all have family at the center of the story.  But there might be only one that takes a brother’s unique approach to the holiday and that’s “Fred Claus.”   Without Fred, Santa might not be with us today.  Talk about brotherly love!

Just because we mention certain movies please don’t confuse these with any sort of ‘best of’ list.  Although we put some of these movies near the tops of our respective lists, even we can’t agree on the best of the best of the Christmas classics.  And that’s probably the best thing about holiday movies.  Every time you watch one it might become your favorite for those couple of hours.  Isn’t that really the magic of Christmas?  Every year you see that same ornament in a different light and suddenly it becomes a gem you’re so glad you took out again.  Every year you see those same lights across the street but this year there something special in the way it glistens against the wall.  Every year we try to be our best this time of year even though we know we’re no angels but we’re not Scrooge either.

So what’s your favorite?  Feel free to change your mind tomorrow.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Walk This Way

Michael Leave a comment

This is it.  Today is the last shopping day before Christmas.   We know tomorrow is only Christmas Eve but you can hardly count that as a shopping day.  Christmas Eve we’re going to relax.  Even if it kills us.  And don’t forget, Christmas Eve is a Saturday this year so every clueless male in America, maybe in the world, (as opposed to almost every clueless male) will be at the mall still unsure of what to get for his wife, mother, girlfriend, daughter, secretary, AA, paramour, clerk, grandmother, personal assistant, or Aunt Whatshername in Mineola. 

However you want to count, there are only two days until Christmas.  And each is going to be filled with people filling sidewalks, and stores, and restaurants, and bars.  Probably especially bars the later it gets but that’s a different post.

All those people out there and sometimes it seems not a single one of them schooled in the pedestrian law of walking in public.  Even He of We sometimes gets a little distracted when allowed to push the shopping cart and wanders down a different aisle than She of We.  But what we’re talking about here is different.  Many people are distracted in stores but add the glitz and the shimmer of the holiday decorations and even those never distracted lose focus.  And the extra traffic isn’t helping.  We think part of the problem is that nobody ever puts that cell phone away.  It wouldn’t be so bad if people were talking on the phone while trying to wind their way through the cosmetics counters at the department store.  No, they are texting while trying to wind their way through that maze.  Add three shopping bags, two trailing children, and a clerk spraying fragrance samples on passersby and oncoming traffic doesn’t stand a chance.  But we digress.

As long as we brought it up, what it is with people and their shopping carts.  First of all, a shopping cart is not a suitable substitute for a wheeled walker, particularly if you don’t use one with which to walk under normal circumstances.  Both of We have informed our children that if any of them sees either of us hunched over a shopping cart, arms resting on the handle about the elbows, propelling it forward at a pace a that would cause a snail to die of boredom, we are to be shot and/or sent directly to the nursing home at the bottom of their lists.  If you are one of those please leave our blog now and nobody will get hurt. 

A shopping carts are proliferating.  Once found only in supermarkets these little wheeled obstructions are now in almost every store across the globe.  Clearly someone is making a killing in the shopping cart market.  Hopefully whoever that someone is has gotten a killer Christmas bonus this year.  But given that shopping carts are flourishing so, we’d think people would be able to drive them better.  We find carts left at the end of aisles, in the middle of aisles, with children left to guard the last of the boxed fruitcake, blocking the animated Christmas hats (sorry, we’ll probably not get to that topic this year but we have it on our list for next year’s holiday posts), and left in the line to the checkout counter with a note that the driver has made a quick trip to housewares and will return at 1:30.  Those actually pushing carts often have their eyes either glued to the top shelf as they pass by at warp speed or on their latest text.

Once shopping is done at Store #1 it is traditional to leave their cart in their custody.  Clearly we must be unaware of some “winter rules” that allow people to keep that cart for their entire shopping day.  He or We was out just yesterday in a local mall and he noticed someone pushing a cart from a store in the shopping center two miles away.  Curious, most curious.   

Eventually even those people will finish up for the day and head to the car with their holiday haul.  Our advice to everybody who ever pushed a shopping cart through a parking lot is to please remember that most cars are bigger and heavier than your shopping cart.  One should not consider playing chicken with a family of four in a minivan loaded with Christmas presents on Christmas Eve Eve.  Not a good idea.  Our second piece of advice is once you empty your packages into your vehicle, please return you cart all the way to the cart corral.  Parking is already at a premium this time of year (we know, we already did that post).  Don’t make it worse by just leaving your cart in the spot that used to be your car.  Walk the extra 50 paces there and back and put it where it belongs.

As long as we’re walking out in the parking lot please watch where you are going.  Every mall and shopping center, every mega-mart and restaurant now have those striped lines from parking land to sidewalk land urging drivers to stop for walkers but not saying anything to the walkers.  It’s true every state now has a law that drivers must yield to pedestrians in a crosswalk.  That’s in a crosswalk, not approaching a crosswalk, close to the crosswalk, or anywhere in the same parking lot as a crosswalk.  It’s still a good idea to look both ways before crossing.  We understand looking both ways may mean not finishing the text but the life you save may be your own.  Make it worth the effort.

Two more days, each an adventure in negotiating through the aisles of the Christmas sale remnants, fighting your way to the checkout counter, and dragging it all across the parking lot to your car, if you can find it on the first try.  

We suggest you relax on Christmas Eve.  Even if it kills you.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?