Category Life

It’s ____ (8 letters)

Michael 1 Comment

It’s the first day of winter, the first of summer for those of you south of the Equator. That makes it the shortest day of the year, or the longest again for those in the southern hemisphere. And that’s good news! The days are going to get longer and back to consistently warm and pleasant. Or bad news and the days will be getter shorter and colder. It’s like a tale of two cities, or worlds. And it’s all very puzzling.

And that reminds me…today is also International Crossword Puzzle Day! (How’s that for a cheesy segue?)  (Sometimes you really do get what you pay for.)

Crossword Puzzle Day, December 21, the 102nd anniversary of the first publication of what would soon become a worldwide fascination with filling in little squares on a rectangular grid based on sometimes obvious, sometimes cryptic clues in the morning paper over morning coffee sometimes wishing it was something much stronger in that cup.

Crossword puzzles are pretty universal. Everybody knows of them, almost everybody has completed at least one of them, and a whole lot of somebodies work at one or more of them just about every day. Crossword puzzles sharpen the mind, improve vocabulary, and provide bragging rights for the nerdier ones of us out here.

I had done a puzzle or two here or there usually to relieve boredom perhaps on a flight when I had forgotten a book and was tired of paging through the in-flight catalog. Then I ended up in the hospital.  When I got to the point that I was looking forward to watching The Price is Right I knew that I was in deep doodoo. That’s when my daughter downloaded a crossword puzzle app for my tablet. Since then I have acrossed and downed my way back to mental health.

I still do a puzzle a day and my mind is sharp, my vocabulary adequate, and I’m just as nerdy as always and darned proud of it. Even if I don’t know the value of today’s shopper’s showcase.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Want to work on that first crossword puzzle. To see it and read a history of crossword puzzles click here to read Tiffany Crawford’s article on the 100th Anniversary of the Crossword Puzzle in 2013 in the Vancouver Sun.
http://www.vancouversun.com/life/This+History+December+1913/9311790/story.html

 

There’s No Place Like Home

Michael Leave a comment

Last week I was somewhere I hadn’t been for about two and a half years, on a plane. I never was a very frequent flyer. I flew a few times a year for this or that but in the last couple of years at work it seemed I was in the air as much as I was behind my desk. Between July 2012 and June 2013 I got to visit airport bars from Seattle, Washington to Washington, DC. Then in July 2013 I had the first of what became six hospitalizations, 4 surgeries, and countless hours of rehab.

A couple of months ago I decided I wanted to go somewhere. It didn’t matter much where, as long as it wasn’t here. I picked between Thanksgiving and Christmas as my target travel time because I knew that as long as stayed away from the holidays themselves it isn’t a very well-travelled time of year so airports shouldn’t be terribly crowded.  I checked on the hotel points I had accumulated over the years and found I had enough for almost a week in a handful of cities that would undoubtedly be warmer than where I live. I compared those destinations with any air fare deals I could find and narrowed things down to three cities. Further checking revealed one of them was hosting a professional conference I could attend where I would find company in fellow members if I wanted and pick up some education credits toward my license which I keep active in case I ever get to working again. Win, win, win. And win.

So I dusted off the suitcase, packed up a carry on, and wondered what sort of scrutiny I was going to get going through security with my ever-present stash of medical paraphernalia. After a couple of questions regarding the purpose of said paraphernalia I stepped through the people-checker and proceeded to the gate.  From then on it was pretty anticlimactic.

The planes were loaded in the airlines’ unusual manner where Group 1 is the third of fourth group called to board, connections were made on time, hotel shuttle drivers demonstrated why they were deemed too reckless to be part of the local demolition derby circuit, hotel lobbies were much grander than the sleeping quarters, meals were overpriced, and drinks were watered down. You know, normal.

But the weather was good, the food was plentiful, the area around the hotel wasn’t too touristy (i.e. it wasn’t horribly overpriced), I felt better than I had for some time, and I couldn’t wait to get back home.

It’s nice to have a break in the routine, especially when the routine is mostly dull. But then it’s nice to get back to the routine. Even when the routine is mostly dull.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Training for Turkey

Michael Leave a comment

The onslaught is coming and it is past time to prepare for it – it is Thanksgiving dinner! You don’t train for a marathon by sitting on the couch. You don’t prepare yourself for a presentation at work by going dancing. And you can’t call yourself ready for Thanksgiving unless you get those eating muscles in shape!

Yes, it is time to work on your feasting strength and stamina. You have to work that jaw, sharpen those taste buds, and most importantly, stretch those stomach muscles or you’ll be like the punt returner who failed to stretch his hamstrings before the big game – and that is, on the sidelines nursing unnecessary cramps while reduced to watching the action from the bench, or sofa.

I started my warm up routine a week ago by going to Sunday brunch. (Ok, it was my daughter’s birthday and brunch was her idea. But, hey, it got things headed in the right direction, culinarily speaking.) If you are just getting started you missed out on the opportunity to break in with a brunch buffet. Not to worry. Any all you can eat buffet will do. Breakfast buffets at your local casual restaurant are perfect to get things rolling. Just remember when you’re loading up your plates to concentrate on the three main Thanksgiving tummy stretchers. Those are turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. These are easily simulated at breakfast by eggs, potatoes, and pancakes. Be sure to increase your return trips to the buffet so that by Wednesday’s session you are testing the limits of “all you can eat” pricing.

Breakfast is a good start but don’t ease up on lunch and supper training. No small salad with dressing on the side for lunch this week. Indeed you should be lunching on double-decker sandwiches with meats, cheese, and gooey dressings. I recommend keeping to the holiday spirit with turkey pastrami and swiss with cranberry/jalapeno dressing on marble rye.  For dinner, increase your eating power each day progressing through stuffed salmon to stuffed chicken breast to stuffed double cut pork chops. With gravy.

Follow these tips and those turkeys, stuffing, potatoes, veggies, salads, relishes, cakes, and pies, will have met their match this Thursday. When you push back from the table ad retire to the sofa or head out to the sales you’ll do so with the knowledge that once again, you have proven your power over poultry!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

None of the Above. Really.

Michael Leave a comment

Last week I had the opportunity to do something I hadn’t done in years – and years and years and years. I filled out a job application.  I’ve been quite out of sorts lately and I figured out that I was missing some structure. So either I had to start taking retirement more seriously and do some determined vacationing, hobbying, recreationing, and/or memoir writing, or I need to find a part time job and get back into the swing of things. There was a part-time faculty appointment and my alma mater that I was absolutely the best qualified for (just in case someone from the selection committee is reading this), so I said to myself, “Self, give a whirl.” And whirled I did.

I hate to admit it but the last time I seriously needed to fill out a job application it was still on paper. Actually I don’t think I actually filled out an application for the last job I had until after I had the job. That’s a post for a different time. And boy was that a different time. But I digress.

There was a time a while ago when I thought about a career move and quickly gave up on that idea when I saw that the on-line application process was, for me, a multi-day affair. I figured by now that even HR had to have caught up with technology. And they had. Applying was a simple process. Upload a resume, upload a cover letter, upload a reference list, and that was it. Done. All that remained was the EEOC survey. The what?

If an employer agrees to accept federal money for any reason – payment for services, research, tuition reimbursement, anything – the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission wants to make certain that the employer is providing equal opportunities to all applicants. Thus, all those questions that one is not allowed to ask in an interview are required answers on the survey.  They are, sex, race, disability, and veteran status. So far no questions about religion or pet preference.

Now, this post is not a commentary on the survey itself. The survey answers are kept separate from an applicant’s application and are used just for tracking purposes. As a former hiring manager I can tell you that is the case. I never knew how anybody who applied for my department answered any of those questions. When I saw them last week it was the first time I was seeing them. And one really caught my eye.

As I said, these are to determine that people are getting opportunities to apply for any jobs they are qualified for. No prejudging. Everyone gets a fair shake. So I was surprised when I saw the first question and its answer choices:

Sex:
[] Male
[] Female
[] Other
[] Prefer not to answer

Really?

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

It’s Increditable

Michael Leave a comment

Recently I came into some money and did what I’ve wanted to do for years – pay off everything. You see, even though I’ve posted here any number of semi-rants about credit card companies and how we’ve come to pretty much ignore common sense and are willing to charge just about everything including a trip to McDonald’s, for years I had been guilty of just such stupidity. Over the past 5 or 6 years I hadn’t used a credit card but I was still paying for my imprudent spending for 30 years before then. Fortunately I have lived long enough to pay off all of those card and other loan balances.

Let me tell you now though, if you ever plan to do the same, prepare yourself for some pretty annoying communications between you and your soon to be former creditors. I knew enough to know that interest charged is charged daily. That means the balance you see on your statement isn’t your balance any more by the time you get your statement. I called every credit card company or bank (and there were a lot of them) to request payoff amounts. Out of ten lenders, only 3 representatives knew what I was asking. To the others, the thought of paying off everything owed was as foreign as using antennae to get TV reception.  They would parrot the auto-attendant’s parroting of the “last statement balance” and didn’t know that wasn’t the total balance. Fortunately I was able to get the information I needed from a call center supervisor. Perhaps that was unfortunate.

Even with a current balance in hand, a human on the phone, and an ability to pay the stated amount immediately, four of the accounts sent statements the following amount with new interest accrued and due. After making several more calls I was able to ascertain that the reason there were still balances was because although the amount paid equaled the amount due on the day of the call, the amount paid was not credited for 3 to 5 business days resulting in 3 to 5 days of accrued interest. So once again I had to request new payoff amounts and submit new payments. I was not amused.

One account I had actually overpaid. When given a figure it was for interest charged through the end of the billing cycle so when my payment was credited in 3 to 5 business days it was still a few days before the cycle ended and I ended up with a credit for that card. Since I was simultaneously closing accounts as I was paying them off, I had no account for the credit to be credited against. Yet, it was still listed as a credit on a following statement with no mention of how I was going to get my money back. Not wanting to, I called anyway. I was told certainly they could send me a refund check. I don’t know why but I had to ask, why they didn’t just send a check instead of a statement showing a credit for an account that didn’t exist. Their answer was that it was policy to report a balance on an inactive account for three billing cycles before issuing a refund. I thanked them for their information and informed them that if I ever decided to re-open a card with them I would consider the three month rule before I decide to issue them a check. They weren’t amused.

Who were these people anyway? The three cards’ telephone reps who hadn’t a clue about how to determine a payoff amount were all serviced by Citicards, the fourth was issued by RBS Citizens Financial.  The company who wanted to hang on to my money for three months unless I asked for it earlier was Discover. Capital One, USAA, and HSBC were the only creditors who actually were helpful in paying off their accounts.

Certainly it was my fault for getting into more credit than I had a right to. When I finally had the means to get out of debt instead of getting out of Dodge I did so. Apparently those I owed would have preferred I continued to owe them. That’s ok. It took a few months and lots of phone calls but now instead of a bunch of cards I carry around a bunch of money. Boy does that confuse the people at McDonald’s.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Encore, Again

Michael Leave a comment

The other day I watched Neil Simon’s Odd Couple II. Now that was odd. I never realized there was an Odd Couple II and I thought for sure I had seen everything that Neil Simon had written. Yet back in 1998 I missed that one. It was cute but had I missed it I probably wouldn’t have missed it.

Sequels are odd things in general. They can be wildly successful, consider the Hungry Games movies. They can be wildly unsuccessful ala the Hangover trilogy. Or they can be just plain unknown.

These are real movies with most if not all of the original cast (not direct to DVD or made for TV sequels banking on a movie name with actors names not household words like Road House 2 or Look What Happened to Rosemary’s Baby).

French Connection 2. The French Connection has what had been called the greatest car chase in movie history. An Oscar Winner in 1972 for best movie, best director, best adapted screenplay, and best actor (Gene Hackman), and nominated for best supporting actor (Roy Scheider). Hackman returned in the sequel four years later. Forty years later you can still find the French Connection on TV and movie sites but French Connection II has long been forgotten if it had ever been remembered at all.

Shock Treatment: This is a sort of sequel to the cult creating Rocky Horror Picture Show. Many of the original actors (though not Tim Curry) returned for this release six years after the Rocky Horror Picture Show but didn’t play the same characters as in the original movie.  Critically some called Shock Treatment a better film than the Rocky Horror Picture Show but where the latter has grossed $140 million in North American sales, the former hasn’t earned a quarter of that. But it is still out there and hit the London theater district with a live version in the spring of this year.

Psycho II (and III and even IV). Alfred Hitchcock’s classic thriller was reborn as Anthony Perkins reprised his role three times as Norman Bates. The only thing scary in the returns to the Bates Motel are that they were made at all. (Actually Pyscho IV isn’t a return. It is a prequel and was released as a made for TV movie.)

Then there are those sequels that some might not even know are sequels.

The Color of Money. With great performances by Paul Newman and Tom Cruise as mentor and student pool players, Newman’s Edie Felson character first hit the screen 25 years earlier when he starred as the young gun with Jackie Gleason as the established pool player and George C. Scott the mover and shaker in The Hustler.

They Call Me Mister Tibbs. Sidney Poitier repeated his role of Virgil Tibbs from In the Heat of the Night although he moved from Philadelphia to San Francisco to do it. The original movie was set in Sparta Mississippi where Philadelphian Poitier changes trains after visiting his mother. In the John Ball novel upon which the series is based, Virgil Tibbs is a police officer from Pasadena who is waiting for a train in Wells, South Carolina. In the sequel, Mr. Tibbs got to solve the crime in San Francisco where he now lives. A third movie, The Organization, also starring Sidney Poitier as Virgil Tibbs completed the movie franchise. The book series spanned seven novels and four short stories featuring Tibbs. In the Heat of the Night is the only title and plot shared by movie and book offerings.

Imitation is the highest form of flattery, so in 1820 said Charles Caleb Colton. Maybe that’s why there are so many sequels. Of course, that quote itself might be a sequel to other similarly worded sentiments from a couple hundred years earlier.  Sometimes sequels end up being an odd couple of movies, sometimes just plain odd, sometimes anything but odd. One thing is for sure, sequels will always be another thing.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Aged to Perfection (?)

Michael Leave a comment

I think I’m getting older. No, not old age older but things are starting to take on a more senior disposition than, oh let’s say 2 or 3 months ago.

I noticed it while sitting at a stop sign waiting to make a left turn. And waiting, and waiting, and waiting some more. It was but a couple of months ago that I would have edged my way in as long as I had a one or two car length head start on that truck barreling through the intersection. And even though I came to complete stops, signaled for turns, and stayed right except to pass, I was decidedly brusque in my driving.

What I was driving is another sign of the years creeping up on me. After 30 years of trucks and SUVs I have made my primary ride a mid-size, American sedan. In dark blue even. What’s next, a full-sized Cadillac registered in Florida?

I stopped for breakfast at a nearby diner. The waitress took orders from the trio sitting at a nearby table. “I’ll put that right in,” she said and turned to the nearby kitchen door and delivered the order to the probably nearby cook. I know she was being polite and efficient but did she really need to tell the table that she would be putting their order in immediately? It was breakfast. Nobody was having cocktails or appetizers. If not “right in” when would she place the order? After the lunch rush? It was just a little thing but I ruminated on that for the rest of my eggs. Now that’s something only an oldster would do.

But what really concerns me about the impending golden years are my pants. These are the same pants I’ve worn for the past several weight changes. They are worn in the same manner – put on one leg at a time and pulled to my waist where they are secured with a belt. Just like everyone else. They look just fine standing up. But when I sat down this morning I felt them creep up my front until the belt was halfway between my shoulders and my waistline. Does this mean it’s only a matter of time until I’ll have to open my fly to scratch my neck? How did that happen? I didn’t buy those pants that way. They betrayed me!

I suppose I should just face it. I’m getting older. Thank Heaven I’m not getting more mature.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Life Needs a Soundtrack

Michael Leave a comment

Do you know a problem with real reality? There are no clues to what’s coming next. Life needs a soundtrack.

Watch any movie or television show, even the so-called “reality” shows, and you see that they all have musical accompaniment. It’s quite clear when someone or something is to be happy, sad, humorous, suspenseful, romantic, mysterious, thrilling, or chilling. Just about the only time the background is silent is when the director intends for extreme drama. Even commercials have background music. Everything from auto insurance to male erectile dysfunction therapy has an associated tune. Why can’t we.

It sounded like a good idea when it popped into my head. Heaven knows there’s enough music up there. I’m always mentally humming a tune, a jingle, a theme. How hard would it be for that to be amplified and spill out around me so I know for sure what mood I’m in – not to mention everyone else who might be in the area?

It’s hard enough to get through a day without being misunderstood. Think of all the relationships that could be saved if there was a full orchestra ready to turn despair to hope, hope to thought, and thought to action. Imagine the peace people could experience if daily routines were spiced up with a bluesy southern anthem or smoothed out by a soft jazz composition. Think of your daily commute to the tune of a driving chorus instead of the tune of blaring horns and mufflers in need of repair.

If you really want to explore this idea, can we consider making life a musical? On second thought, I don’t know if I can handle a sudden eruption of song and dance while standing in line at the deli counter. “You’re the ham that I want. Ooo, ooo, ooo honey,” doesn’t run trippingly off the tongue even if you are looking for that tasty lunchmeat. No, just a soft background perhaps of Dave Matthews Band’s Pig song.

Like I said, it sounded like a good idea when it popped into my head.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Pride Goeth Before Just About Everything – And With Good Reason

Michael 1 Comment

It was a while ago that I was on my way to an appointment and was there early. Very early. Most of the time I hit my appointments just about on time. This particular morning I was way off. I left too early, drove too fast, got no red lights, did who knows what but for some reason I was early with a capital ‘E.’ No problem. I’ll have breakfast.

I slipped into a hole in the wall diner and had a remarkably tasty omelet with chorizo, onions, jalapenos, tomatoes, salsa, and sour cream. This was after the waitress ran through the morning’s specials including a pancake special. I was told their pancakes are always special, so special that people come from all over for their pancakes. When I was finished and the waitress was clearing my place I mentioned that the omelet was very good, just as good as I’m sure the pancakes would have been. It was the salsa. The salsa was very good, very fresh, not too hot but authoritative enough to hold one’s attention. Oh yes, she agreed that it was good salsa. She went on to tell me that they sell it by the quart jar and, in fact, people come from all over for their salsa. As I was at the register paying my bill I noticed again that one of the specials was two eggs any style served over corned beef hash. I like corned beef hash and had I thought more of it when I ordered I would have taken advantage of that special. And I must have said that out loud because the lady running the cash register said that they make their own hash and I would have liked it. Everybody likes it. In fact, people come from all over for their hash.

Those were some people who were very sure of the products they were persuading the public to purchase. I‘m certain that had I brought it up I would have been assured that people come from all over for their oatmeal. Someday I’ll go back there for lunch and see what the world beats a path there for after 11. I’m sure that the lunch crowd comes from all over also.

That crowd might even be larger than usual. You see, when I got to my appointment two employees on the other side of the reception window were discussing lunch. I happened to mention the diner I had just come from and mentioned that they had a pretty good breakfast there and I bet lunch would be good also. They commented that they had indeed never been there; it looked too much like a hole in the wall for them to take a chance. Now that they heard good stuff about it, that might be where they end up when the lunch bell rings.

Contrast that with another day when I was sitting at a pizza parlor waiting for a calzone for my lunch of the day. A pleasant enough place with good enough food, good enough that when I feel the need for something that I would not ordinarily make for myself, like a calzone, I’ll let them make it for me. While I was waiting another diner walked in and asked if there were any lunch specials. The girl at the “Order Here!” corner of the counter looked up and said, “The specials are written on the window.”

You know, I bet I can find another pizza place that can make a good calzone.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Got Grammar

Michael Leave a comment

I was out shopping at a little neighborhood farm store; I picked up some $20.05 worth of meats, cheese, olives, and fish. I had no change so I gave the young lady manning (womanning?) the cash register a twenty dollar bill and a one dollar bill. She took them then stood there looking at me. I looked back at her and in time she said, “My bad. I was expecting a twenty and a five.” I don’t know why she was expecting anything in particular, as long as it added up to at least twenty dollars and five cents. But, I’ve reported on similar issues with money and people trying to figure out amounts due and to be returned without the aid of a computerized cash register. Or fingers and toes. (See “If You Give a Teen a Penny,” April 7, 2014.) But today’s post isn’t about calculating change or expecting bills. It’s a grammar rant.

It had been a while since I heard anybody other than a daytime TV talk show host utter “my bad.” I was hoping that was because it had finally worn its welcome and was relegated to the what-does-that-mean-anyway pile of bizarre phrases. It’s so bad it’s beyond bad. It should have been expected. Ever since “Got Milk” graced America’s roadside billboards, television screens, and magazine back covers we’ve pretty much given up on grammar.

I’m not trying to be the grammar police and I actually thought Got Milk was a pretty nifty advertising slogan. It was just odd enough to be memorable without being irritating. The same can’t be said for some of its spawn. It seemed shortly after the first milk mustachioed model hit the commercials we were “Gotting” everything from “Got Cookies” to “Got Religion.”

I don’t suppose your old fifth grade English teacher will come out of retirement to correct our slips down the ungrammatical slope. Many things we were taught not to do like begin a sentence with a conjunction or end it with a participle aren’t real rules anyway. If you don’t believe me, take a real good look at your Chicago Manual of Style. Ain’t nothing in there about that. And more than likely most of what actually gets published is far from perfect composition, but it is right around the corner of your average vernacular.

Still, some things really need to stop being uttered in public. “My bad” tops that list. In fact, it tops the list of things that shouldn’t be uttered in private. And definitely never uttered in stores by cashiers trying to calculate change without the aid of a calculator.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?