Category Life

Letting the EGGS out of the Basket

Michael Leave a comment

For the most part American marketing and merchandising has made a mockery of holidays. Thanksgiving takes a back seat to Black Friday. Washington’s Birthday isn’t even called that so the Presidents Day car sales can be stretched over weeks rather than a single weekend. Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo vie with New Year’s Eve for most traffic accident honors. Flag Day is forgotten. Memorial Day and Veterans Day would be forgotten but for gratuitous Facebook posts. New Year’s Day is really Mattress Sale Day. The Fourth of July is as much about back to school sales as celebrating the winning of the freedoms that allow free markets and the free speech to promote them. And Christmas, Christmas is the poster child holiday for Freedom of Religion protesters and rejoinders. Yet for the same most parts, Easter has been left pretty much alone.

Maybe even crass marketers saw reason to shy away from the holiest of Christian holy days. Other religious groups have had similar high holy days spared the merchandising of their sacred events. There have always been Easter sales but not outright assaults on religious sensibilities. The quiet 1990s marketing of dresses and suits was not much different than the diffident 1940s Easter bonnets sales. They were almost presented as a service. “You have something special to do; we have something special for you to wear.”

We even made it partway into the 21st century not desecrating Easter. Much. But I fear that time is over. Over the past few days I’ve seen television commercials, opened hard copy and email promotions, heard radio advertisements, and even saw on-line banner ads touting EGGS-cellent opportunities, EGGS-traspecial specials, an EGGS-travaganza of savings, and EGGS-tra Savings on all your needs. Isn’t that clever the way they made all those cute little references to EGGS. And just in time for Easter because of course, EGGS were the main course at the Last Supper. But just in case you missed it, all those references to EGGS were just like that, in all caps, E-G-G-S. One stood out in its subtlety.

HOP on over for a BASKET of savings.
You won’t have to HUNT for the best deal
At our new and pre-owned
Springtime EGGStravaganza of Savings!

(Note how they used Springtime instead of Easter so it has universal appeal.)

eggsSo far I have resisted the urge to save hundreds, even thousands during this EGGS-tra special buying time of year. I’ll spend my special time in church rather than at the car lot. I just hope like the how the commercials for tax preparations all disappear in April 16 and how political ads vanish the first Wednesday after the first Tuesday after the first Monday of November, all the EGGS will find their way back into the basket next Monday. Until then, it’s really going to be EGGS-asperating.

 

 

No Business Like Shoe Business

Michael 2 Comments

Have you ever had a day when to want to say something but are sure it will unwarrantedly ruffle someone’s feathers? You don’t mean to. You really just have a thought you want to express but, particularly in the now when every thought, let alone action, regardless of intent is either forgiven or vilified depending on the political affiliation (real or perceived) of the thinker and/or actor, you hesitate. So I’ve been very concerned about bringing this up but I just can’t hold it back any longer. Where the hell are all the brown shoelaces?

I don’t need new shoelaces right now but there is a pair (are a pair?) (no, is a pair) fraying and will surely and shortly break. I’d like to be proactive and have the replacement on hand if not actually on shoe before that happens but I can’t find laces for brown dress shoes. White for athletic shows yes. Hundreds of any length and thickness imaginable. Thick black laces in lengths clearly for boots most probably fitted with steel toes are everywhere. Those rawhide looking things for hiking shoes hang on racks by the score of scores. Some places seem to begrudgingly devote a hook, maybe two, to black laces appropriate for dress shoes, but brown…um, nope. Not out there.

I think it started with Casual Friday. I never understood that. Why should somebody making an appointment with a banker, broker, car dealer, or human resource manager on the last day of the week be made to feel like the appointment maker has already started on his or her weekend? Why do Tuesday appointments get treated more formally than those who scheduled on Friday? I guess others felt the same way because it seems there is no more Casual Friday. It is now Casual Week. (I think I also once mentioned an off shoot of this. That is, why everybody who has anything remotely to do with medicine now feels the need to wear scrubs. If I hit the next billion dollar Power Ball jackpot and feel the urge to endow a hospital nephrology department, I do not want to meet with an administrator in a Looney Tunes scrub top to discuss my multimillion dollar gift. Just putting that out there.) Anyway, that’s how it all started – when men shed their suits and ties.

Women can be just as casual but a woman knows there are times when “dress” means more than the garment. And still have them in their closets. The garments that is. (That are?) I am certain if women’s dress shoes required laces there would be sufficient stock from which to choose.

BrownShoesI guess we men just lost our will to dress up. And stores responded. The Men’s Department yielded space to The Active Male, Sports and Leisure, and You’re Only as Young as You Feel departments. And the space they gave up used to be occupied by shoelaces for dress shoes. Even brown. Well I want it back! I want that space that used to hold tie bars and pocket squares. I want a belt that isn’t reversible. I want shoes that need polishing. And I want brown shoelaces!

I sincerely apologize for feathers that have been ruffled and trust this won’t result in some social media frenzy. But one last thing … if you should happen to have knowledge of brown shoelaces appropriate for a men’s dress shoe with 4 eyelets please email me their location. I will not share your information.

Thank you

 

Just a Number

Michael 2 Comments

Welcome to Major League Baseball 2019. Today is opening day. I remember way back when I was a kid, a youngen, a tyke, a small fry even, on opening day we would sneak our transistor radios into school with our earphones surreptitiously threaded up our short sleeves so the teacher would not know we were listening to the game instead of conjugating irregular verbs. Like she really wasn’t going to notice that hunk of plastic on the desk. But we were young and stupid. Much like the players we cheered on. Oh, not the stupid part. Young. They were young, just like us. Younger than I ever, even to this day, realized.

BaseballOf the four major American sports, baseball has often been maligned as the old man sport. It’s slow, it’s boring, nothing happens for long stretches, anybody can play baseball. Eh, probably that last part is true. It does not take much to play baseball. A bat, a ball, a glove, and an open field and you have the minimum requirements for the game. But it’s not an old man’s sport. No, not at all. You see, also of the four major American sports, baseball is the only one opening this year’s season with nobody playing who was playing MLB baseball in the 20th century. Nobody taking the field today was there on opening day in 19-anything. No one. Not one. Nary a soul.

That’s only been 19 years. That’s one less than 20. For some of the younger folks reading those words 20 years could be a large percentage of their lives and might still seem like a long time. But looked at from a regular job perspective, twenty years doesn’t even get you a commemorative watch. Apparently for Major League Baseball, less than twenty years gets you retirement. Even for a government job you need to put in the “whole twenty” to cash in on a cushy pension.

Only 19 years. If a player started his major league career at the seemingly ancient age for a rookie of 25, he is among those sitting in lap of retirement luxury and not yet 45 years old. I had dreams of retiring at 55. I figured if that was old enough for the government to say I could start drawing from my IRA without penalty, and considering “retirement” is right there in the name of the account, then it must be the perfect age to target for retirement. Of course I knew I would more likely work until I hit 75. But 45. Forty-five! Wow.

I’m old enough not to be impressed by terribly much but that report really floored me. I’ve watched hockey players playing the game for over 20 years still this year. There is considerably more physical contact in hockey than baseball. Football and basketball both still have players who were wearing the uniforms from way back in the last century. Nobody ever called either of those an old man’s sport. Of any of them I’d not have pegged baseball as the first sport to lose everybody from the pre-2000 days.

As “they” might say, time marches on. It just doesn’t circle the bases.

 

Yes, No, Maybe

Michael 2 Comments

I’m a sucker for a good survey. Not the ones people with clipboards try to take at the mall while intercepting you rushing out of Spencer’s attempting to make it to Macy’s before the rest of the family realizes you’re missing. Not the ones that pop up at the bottom of otherwise legitimate online news articles implying (inferring?) you can turn your free time into earnings time. I mean real surveys by real polling outlets for genuine marketing, opinion, or news pieces.

Some years ago I shifted all my verbal correspondence to my mobile number and did away with the landline phone. I was all about eliminating unnecessary or duplicate services and as I was more likely to carry a cell phone around with me than I was a corded (or even cordless) device tied to a hard connection in the wall, the cell won. Unfortunately for as cutting edge as we want to believe our smart phones are and how sophisticated we talk ourselves into believing the service providers may be, they still haven’t figured out how to handle Caller ID. Or for all I know they have and haven’t yet figured out how to charge for such an archaic concept, or the government has decided it is in our best interest not to know who is on the other end of the call, or it is in their best interest not to get into a perceived battle over privacy issues some nut might claim. As a result I don’t answer a call unless it is someone in my contact list or is a number I recognize. As a further result I no longer get to enjoy participating in one of the few random phone surveys that still might come my way.

Now I do belong to a few opinion panels and occasionally get to answer a poll or do a survey on line. I also will answer surveys published by those I follow on social media if the topic interests me and I keep an eye out for new invitations from new or established pollsters. It’s all in fun for me. I haven’t filled any free time with “earnings time” and the most I’ve ever gotten from answering a survey was a $15 gift card.

I like surveys. And I think I like giving people a piece of my mind, but then that’s what this blog is for. And now you know we’ve gotten to the meat of the story, the heart of the topic, the reason for being here you and I. Who is getting a piece of my mind today?

You may not recognize it from my writing but I try to keep myself on the right side of the grammar and usage police. Some time ago I taught a few classes at a university. At that time there was a rather decent size to-do brewing over perceived favoritism demonstrated by the grading of essay type questions on tests and we were encouraged to administer multiple choice tests and to use machine gradable answer cards. (This was in the 90s. Now personally I think somebody had purchased a bunch of these cards for a dying technology and that somebody saw their budget approval rights in jeopardy if said cards did not find their way off the storeroom shelves. Just thinking out loud.) Anyway, I became the Mad Professor of Multiple Choices. Every question not only had three seemingly logical answer choices (a, b, and c) but also multiples of those choices (a and b, a and c, b and c) and total inclusion (all of the above) or exclusion (none of the above). I was always careful to arrange the answers so “all of the above” came before “none of the above” so I could not get drawn into the argument “but Perfessor Evil Tester, how can ‘all of the above’ be right if it includes something that might be right and ‘none of the above’ sayin’ that none of them is right ’cause there ain’t no way nothing can be right and not right at the same time.” I knew my tests, and my test takers! If you consider that a multiple choice test is just a big survey you could say now I know my surveys also.

So, to make a long story short (and aren’t you glad you’re not getting the long version?), I had to scratch my head when this little gem popped up in my Facebook feed, although it was Facebook.

Survey

Hmm. Did you watch TV last night? Yes, No, Not Sure. Not Sure? Really? You can’t tell if you were watching TV? Not “Both yes and no depending on when last night.” Not even to old “Prefer not to answer.” Nope, they really asked “Not Sure.” How are you not sure? Wait, I have it. You were watching a television network broadcasted show via a streaming service on your handheld mobile device. That makes sense. Yeah. Probably an offspring of the “Hey Perfessor” guy.

Oh, just so you know, somewhere in this country the “Hey Perfessor” guy is part of somebody’s health care team. Let’s just say I “prefer not to answer.”

Too Often In a Blue Moon

Michael Leave a comment

Did you see the “Super Worm Equinox Moon” last night? I saw a moon. It was a nice moon. Big, bright, beautiful in a moonly sort of way. Didn’t see no worms though. I don’t want to get into a “remember when” thing here but…remember when the moon was just the moon. Sometimes it was full. Sometimes you looked up. Sometimes you didn’t. Sometimes you went ahh. The moon was just “The Moon.”

Songs were written about it, couples shared their first kiss under it, now and then a couple got engaged under it, probably some couples got pregnant under it, ghost stories were told in its light, and Halloweens were scarier when it was full that night. For over 4-1/2 billion years it has hung in the sky, orbiting the earth, reflecting sunlight at night so we don’t curse the darkness. And still today we look to it, we wish on it, we wonder how high it is, how far it is, how big it is. And still today we take it for granted.

The moon keeps our days at what we call days. Without the moon’s gravity pulling at the earth and slowing its rotation, a day would be about 6 hours. And you already think there aren’t enough hours in one! The moon power our tides so we don’t become a stagnant pool, keeps the earth’s rotational tilt so we don’t fall over, and keeps the planet spinning smoothly rather than wobbling its way through space.

With all the moon does for us does it not deserve some respect from us? Instead we treat it like an attraction at a carnival.

STEP RIGHT UP,
YES STEP RIGHT UP
AND SEE THE AMAZING,
THE STUPENDOUS,
THE UNBELIEVABLE,
THE ONE, THE ONLY,
THE SUPER WORM EQUINOX MOON!

Only twenty-five cents per person
have your tickets ready
please hold your own tickets
no readmissions
no exchanges
no refunds
this is a limited time offer.

They say, and I suppose they ought to know, this is the last supermoon for 2019. Apparently we’ve had our fill of micromoons for 2019 also. (Oh yes, that’s a thing too.) That means we can all go back to our porches and patios in the evening and listen to the crickets chirp and stare into the sky and not have to worry about whether we might feel foolish tomorrow at work (or worse on Facebook) when we say something like “Wasn’t the moon pretty last night?” and hear in reply “Pretty! Why that was best darned whiskey pourer blood pressure red possum longitudinal moon ever last night!”

Oh, and happy first full day of spring.

Supermoon

Day to Day

Michael 2 Comments

Shhh. Come closer. I have something to tell you. Today is Monday. That means you have the best chance of any day of the week to not be scammed. Good news, no? But don’t say anything lest the scammers find out you don’t fear them today and they start making Mondays their new Friday. Yeah, that’s the day you are most like to fall prey to the con.

Can you believe somebody actually gets paid to research this stuff? In some way it is interesting. There is a “best day” for just about anything you can imagine. The best day to shop at a thrift store is Monday. That’s what the experts say. The logic is that people have yard sales on the weekend and what isn’t sold often gets donated or consigned to thrift shops and second hand stores. How can you argue that? Except … those stores aren’t taking items in the back door and putting them directly on the sales floor. The have to be sorted, tidied, priced, then hung or displayed. Maybe Tuesday would be the better day. Or maybe it’s Friday so the store can make room for the wave of incoming merchandise next Monday.

How about the best time to post a photo on … wait, I’m sorry … the best time to post an image on Instagram? Yes, there are hundreds of experts who say without a doubt it is Wednesday, preferably at 2am or 5pm. Except for those experts who tell you the absolute best time to post is Thursday at 2pm. I might be more inclined to agree with the 2 in the afternoon people rather than the 2 in the morning people but that’s just because I believe the best time to sleep involves that coveted 2am hour. But then maybe I’d rather take heed of the experts who claim the best time is Monday at 8am. That would work especially well if I want to post photos, err, images of the stuff I’m picking up at the Goodwill store.

While you are out shopping and snapping pictures on Monday, mentally get your resume together because if you are thinking of applying for a job on line the best day is Tuesday, specifically at 11:30 in the morning. I’ve been looking for a little part time job to stave off the boredom of the lifestyle of the poor and unknown and now I know why I’m not getting any nibbles. In the true fashion of Willy Nilly, I have been applying whenever I see a job post that interests me.

BracketDaysYou’ll notice nobody has yet tapped Wednesday as a best day. That’s because they know you’re going to be busy buying shoes. Oh yes, there is an expert who has determined the very best time to buy shoes is Wednesday in late afternoon. No reason was given for that particular day but it is said that is when the deals are and the afternoon is when your feet are at their biggest because you’ve been on them all day. No word about those who have desk jobs or work the night shift.

Obviously you can’t buy shows every Wednesday so on those when you are sitting around rather than standing about to get your feet in shape for that shoe shopping spree, feel free to post something on Twitter. Yep, Wednesday afternoon between 4 and 5 is the best time to be noticed and maybe even get retweeted. Yippee.

If you are wondering (and why wouldn’t you be?), I was not able to find a best day of the week to have a vasectomy. For once experts agree that elective surgery in general has less negative outcomes when performed on Monday or Tuesday. It is claimed that because the recovery for a vasectomy basically amounts to hanging out on the couch and doing nothing for a few days, more vasectomies are scheduled right before the NCAA basketball tournament than any other time. I’ve never been able to track that “fact” back far enough to disclaim it didn’t start with those who broadcast said tournament but just in case it is in fact a fact, and considering the tournament starts tomorrow, and if you are missing your male companion today, you might want to get an ice pack ready.

And they say that Monday is the day not to get conned!

A Worldbeater of a Story

Michael 8 Comments

Because it is World Kidney Day, and only because it’s World Kidney Day, I’m going to talk about kidneys and then I’ll give you a few weeks without having to hear about my internal organs.

WKD

Since our last kidney transplant report I have lost one potential donor to high blood pressure. That leaves one who has now completed the evaluation and one with one test remaining and then of course the final review. That might bring up a couple questions for you. If it doesn’t, don’t worry, I’ll ask them. Does it seem to be taking a really long time and is it unusual to have a donor disqualified after such a long time into the process?

Honestly it is taking a bit longer than the average for these people to get through the evaluation process although not really by too much. I suppose if all the stars lined up and there was no waiting for appointments and if you had the most flexible schedule in the world and could be accommodating to the scheduling whims of a dozen different hospital departments you could breeze through the process in a couple months. But if you’re thinking the process is

…Step 1 hold sign up at hockey game looking for kidney,
…Step 2 sort through the 99,000 volunteers and pick the one with the best looking teeth,
…Step 3 meet in pre-op the following morning and plan to share a pitcher of beer later that day,

ummmm, no.

Under the best of circumstances it takes weeks and weeks because the process is a few more than 3 steps. And potential donors can be eliminated at any step, including the last.

The process pretty much follows the decreasing chance of elimination. That is, the step that would rule out most people as a donor is first, the second most common disqualifier then next, and so on.

A medical and family history is the first step along with a discussion of what is required for the evaluation, surgery, and recovery for a potential donor. At the same time, lab studies are drawn. Blood and tissue type compatibility is a must. If the donor candidate does not match the transplant candidate there are no further steps. In the spirit of the upcoming baseball season that means one strike and you’re out. There are no further reviews and no reconsiderations. If lab tests note suggestions of compromised renal function, unbalanced electrolytes, or heretofore unknown conditions such as diabetes, a committee will review the results and determine if the donor candidate can continue, be referred for treatment then reevaluated, or referred for treatment but disqualified.

Next are the cardiac and pulmonary functions. Will the donor’s heart and lungs get through the surgery and will they be strong enough to continue serving the donor well with the support of one remaining kidney? These steps include chest x-ray, EKG, stress test, and 24 hour blood pressure monitoring. At this point an abnormal return in one exam might require additional testing while the donor continues, additional testing while the donor holds, or disqualification. For example a slightly elevated blood pressure could require a second 24 hour test but the donor can proceed. A severely elevated blood pressure would hold the donor and refer him or her for new, modified, or additional treatment. A 24 hour blood pressure that remains within normal limits only with the use of more than one antihypertensive drug disqualifies the donor. In my particular set of donors there is one who was allowed to proceed pending a repeat 24 hour study ordered and then held and referred to cardiology for further review.

Next are renal function tests. You might think that if a person is considering donating a kidney the renal function tests would come sooner. People who know they have a renal impairment know not to begin the process. Nine out of 10 people with renal disease do not know it so why would this not be the first system reviewed?  Many of these people know they have a family history or it will be suggested by the earlier lab studies so they may not ever reach this step. A donor who does not initially pass the renal function tests will be reviewed by the transplant committee. Here they will be held until a determination is made that the test will be repeated, the results were expected because of other physical characteristics of the candidate, or the donor is disqualified. In my set of donor candidates, one was held for a repeat evaluation then further reviewed and determined to be allowed to proceed.

Then comes the psychological review. Usually. In some cases when a donor candidate has a history that includes psychological, emotional, or mental medical concerns with or without medication management, the psychological review may come after the initial history and lab studies. Most often it is held here when the potential donor is only two steps from being or not being further referred to as a candidate. In its simplest term, this is when it gets real. A candidate will either move on or withdraw.

To this point each step contains multiple tests any of which can hold or disqualify a candidate. After each test the transplant committee reviews the results and determines the next step: proceed, proceed but reschedule and repeat, hold and repeat, hold and review, or withdraw.

The penultimate step is an abdominal CT Scan. This step is the last physical exam for the donor candidate. This step explores the candidate’s kidneys and their physical appearance and position and is used to confirm the kidneys are normal in size and shape, which is the preferred kidney for harvest, and that all surrounding organs and tissue appear normal and regular. Here a donor will be approved for final review, held for further study due to an inconclusive finding regarding either or both kidneys, held and referred to appropriate specialist for inclusive finding regarding surrounding organs, or disqualified. Among my donor candidate pool, one was referred to a specialist when a nearby organ appeared other than normal.

At the final step the donor’s results and findings are reviewed by the transplant committee who will recommend the candidate to donor status or recommend withdrawal. In the case of multiple donor candidates specific for a single transplant candidate, a recommendation of one or more with consideration to potential acceptance and viability of the donated organ may be made.

HeartAndKidneySo now that it took you so long to read about the process you may better understand why it is taking so long to complete the process. Each of my donor candidates was stopped at some point in the evaluation. One proceeded all the way to the CT Scan when a shadow was noted on a neighboring organ. The transplant committee interrupted the process and referred her to a specialist who in turn determined the shadow was not clinically significant and recommended her to continue which the transplant committed approved. One was held at the renal function test when the IV mediated glomerular filtration rate returned a slightly elevated result. The committee referred the result to one of its own nephrologists who recalculated the result and determined due to her physical structure it was within normal limits for her height, weight, and age and recommended to continue. One potential donor returned elevated 24 hour blood pressure results. She was allowed to move on to the renal function tests but had to reschedule a repeat 24 hour blood pressure monitor. The second 24 hour blood pressure results also returned elevated and she was referred to her cardiologist. Pending his review and finding, even though by this time she had passed the renal function tests, she was held from further candidate progress. Ultimately her blood pressure could be maintained within the standards expected for a kidney donor only with the use of two medications thus she was removed from the candidate pool.

So now with one candidate at final review and one awaiting an upcoming CT Scan, you might be reading one of the last installments in my search for a kidney. And if that’s the case it means you might soon get to start on a new journey, one of a new transplant recipient.

—–

Transplant Journey Posts

First Steps (Feb. 15, 2018)
The Next Step (March 15, 2018)
The Journey Continues (April 16, 2018)
More Steps (May 31, 2018)
Step 4: The List (July 12, 2018)
Step 1 Again…The Donor Perspective (Sept 6, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Oct. 18, 2018)
Caution: Rough Road Ahead (Nov. 19, 2018)
And The Wait Goes On (Jan. 24, 2019)

Other Related Posts

Walk This Way…or That (March 9, 2017)
Looking Good (May 18, 2017)
Technical Resistance (May 25, 2017)
Those Who Should Know Better (July 24, 2017)
Cramming for Finals (May 3, 2018)
Make Mine Rare. Or Not (Feb. 28. 2019)

Free free, free free free!

Michael 2 Comments

I have been meaning to give you a kidney transplant update and thought today would have been a good day for that but something more important came up. Ahem, attention. To all responsible in some way for the pricing of goods and services, “free” means “not costing or charging anything.” Again, thanks go to Misters Merriam and Webster and yes I am still trying to figure out who is who.

Why am I on to this again? Because I have that kind of time, and that kind of time has finally pushed me over the edge. It’s late in winter, or early in spring, and neither is giving any ground. I’m sick of being either inside or out only for dialysis, doctors, or church. Obviously church people and doctor people are really nice folks but I really can use some time outdoors. (Dialysis people tend to be nice too but I am a little less disposed to calling anybody stuffing needles the size of bucatini into my arm pleasant people to be around.) If it’s not way too cold for a brisk walk (winter’s doing) the wind is blowing a gazillion miles an hour (spring’s contribution) or they are both huffing and puffing, threatening to blow my hovel down. So, I spend most of my time not spent at dialysis, doctors, or church, spent inside with the television on for company. I figured I really needed company when one day while talking to my plants I, with much deserved huffiness, turned on a heel, stalked out of the room, and slammed the bedroom door when they gave me the silent treatment. Collectively! The nerve of them! After all I’ve given them – water, sunshine, more water, a little fertilizer now and then. I mean really, who do…. umm ….

So I’m back to too much time in front of the TV and there are only so many movies you can sit and watch that eventually you have to resort to commercial channels and they include commercials. And the ones that play early in the morning or late at night are what you expect when the ad rates are significant less than the Super Bowl pregame show. They are the As Seen On TV ads.

Like me, maybe you are not too young to recall those early “Not Sold In Stores” television commercials. They were really things you would not find in any store. A knife that cuts through steel toed boots. Lithuanian language records. Combination fishing rod/compass. Unique products that even if you knew you’d never need, want, or use like a clothes iron that plugged into your car’s cigarette lighter, you were going to watch that commercial all the way through – just in case. Who knew, by the time they got to the end maybe you decided that you really did need a hand cranked camp stove that could boil water and provide the upper body workout your exercise routine was lacking. And their premiums were real premiums. Not a commercial ended before the announcer excitedly added, “And if you order now, we’ll include an ice crusher absolutely free!”

FreeToday’s late night answer to the famous towel that can hold 12 times its weight is neither not available in any store nor likely to have you waiting for the commercial’s end for any reason other than that your program is that much closer to returning. And there are no more premiums. Where did all the ice crushers go? No, now if you “order now!” what do you get? Another one of whatever they are trying to get rid of. If I don’t need one battery powered ear wax vacuum I certainly don’t need two, especially not for “free! just pay an extra fee.”

I particularly resent the copywriter who puts “free shipping,” “we’ll send you a second absolutely free,” and ” “just pay a separate fee” all in the same ad. At least if there was a shipping charge for the first I could talk myself into understanding the “separate fee” for the second, but when the first is going out with “free shipping” what first fee is there that we’re not being told about?

Okay, so now that I have gotten that out of my system perhaps the next time around I’ll update you on my kidneys. I promise, it will be free.

 

Cereal Killer

Michael 5 Comments

They are magically delicious. They are often the first real solid foods you eat. They’re great. They are the stuff dreams are made of. Wait! No, those are jewel encrusted golden birds from Malta. But that other stuff, yeah, that they are. And they are cereal.

Today is National Cereal Day. Look, every day is something and today the needle points to those grains used for food, often breakfast, such as wheat, oats, or corn. (Thank you Mr. Merriam. Or Mr. Webster. Can anybody tell those guys apart?)

Can you imagine your life without cereal? Probably not. Even if you aren’t a cereal eater now, you once were. Hot, smooth cereals like cooked creamy rice or wheat are often a baby’s first step from “baby food” to the stuff in the house everybody else eats. Those round oat thingies (Cheerios by name) are most toddlers’ favorite snack and few parents of the youngsters leave home without them. And you confirmed anti-cereal zealots, don’t tell me you don’t have a canister of oatmeal or a box of corn flakes somewhere in that kitchen with the idea that they are just to make cookies or to bread chicken.

cerealI’ll admit I’m not a big boxed cereal eater myself today but I have a decent chunk of pantry space devoted to the foodstuff. Hot cereal is different. I always have multiple containers of old fashioned oats on hand for breakfast, lunch, sometimes dinner, often cookies, just as often bars, and occasionally muffins. But those other cereals usually end up masquerading as “a heathy snack.”

Oddly my favorite cereal from childhood rarely visits my old man kitchen. And it wasn’t even a typical kid brand like Cap’n Crunch. My favorite cereal growing up was plain corn flakes. I’d have a bowl of flakes with a half a banana sliced into it and whole milk. The banana’s other half would go into my school lunch unless somebody got to it first for another breakfast add in. That was breakfast more days than not until I set off for college.

I tried to look up the most popular cereal. I found 5 polls all published within a month of each other, and all wildly different. I guess the most popular depends on where you are, what company is sponsoring the poll, or how honest you feel like being when asked if you prefer Kashi or Fruity Pebbles and your whole pilates class (or bowling team (no judgement here)) is listening.

So we’ll do an informal poll. What is your favorite cereal? Ahh, still no judgement.

 

 

A Word From Our Sponsor

Michael 1 Comment

Recently I saw something on line that said something like “All the drug ads on TV like for the first 10 seconds tell you its name and then like spend the rest of the time like daring you to take it.” Like I said it was on line. Like what did you expect? But, it raises a good point.  No, not that drug manufacturers are daring you to take their product. Why isn’t everything else advertised like that?

First a little background about prescription drug advertising on TV, in magazines, on-line, or anywhere else they are targeted “direct to consumers” — it shouldn’t happen. Back in the days when drug companies were run by people with pharmacy degrees and hospitals were run by people with medical degrees, marketing was pretty straight forward. Drug companies got approval from the FDA for a drug which included its official product information and that included what had to be mentioned in all marketing material. This included but was not limited to indications (what it is used for), contraindications (when it should not be used), warnings (what might happen if dosed and monitored inappropriately), and side effects (adverse or unexpected reactions that occurred in more than 0.1% (1 in every 1000) of the participants in post-approval/pre-marketing controlled drug studies). The material was typically presented in pages of information and a presentation lasted anywhere from 30 to 50 minutes. The target audience was doctors and pharmacists who spent years studying these things, understood the language, and often challenged the information as presented by the marketing team, also people with health care related degrees or experience.

Then about 20 years ago drug companies started hiring people with business degrees to run their business. They may have had a background in selling fast food french fries and thought there was no reason prescription drugs shouldn’t be sold the same way. This ignored the fact that they were now targeting an audience of people who could not legally walk into a store and buy their product without a prescription. The FDA, medical organizations and pharmacist organizations disagreed with direct to consumer advertising, not because they wanted to “control” the prescription drug market but because it was establishing a dangerous environment. But the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), made up of business people, said sure, why not, it will create competition and keep prices down. Recognizing that the FDA had regulations requiring what information had to be present in marketing material, the FTC thought those were good things people should know and that’s why there is now a demand for fast, low talkers to do the voice-over for prescription drug ads on TV.

AdNow, back to my premise, if it’s such a good idea why not make all advertising follow a similar structure. With that understanding, I now present the way consumer goods and services should be advertised. In the spirit of the FTC mandate I’ll just note the disclaimers. The creative teams can use the rest of the 15 second spots however they would like. Please note that some of the required language might mean the advertising budgets may require some expansion to reflect longer ad time buys and since we know that companies don’t spend money they cannot recover, there may be a corresponding increase in product pricing.

—–

Fast food french fries (with or without bacon)
Do not take if allergic to potatoes, oils used for frying which may change without warning, or pigs if using the bacon version. May cause high cholesterol including high good cholesterol and high bad cholesterol. Do not take if using blood thinners. People with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, uncontrolled diabetes, excess body fat, or uncomfortably tight clothing should consult the fry cook or counter person before consuming french fries. May cause bloating, nausea, headaches, or weight gain. Do not continue use if you notice ankle swelling, excess sweating, or shortness of breath after eating. If taking with bacon do consume if you are vegetarian, vegan, or kosher.

Light beer
Do not take if allergic to beer or any ingredient in beer. Do not take if also taking blood thinners, analgesics, antibiotics, sedatives, anti-depressants, narcotics, illegal drugs, or drugs used for diabetes or high blood pressure. May cause inebriation which can lead to embarrassing questions or answers, karaoke or karaoke style singing, chair dancing, and  loss of bladder control. May cause double vision, slurred speech, or drooling. Do not operate a car, heavy machinery, or juke boxes. Consult spouses, partners, or significant others if you cannot remember where you parked. I’d you do not remember where you parked and stumble upon your vehicle, do not drive. Tell yout server if you become nauseous. Quickly.

All-season radial tires
Do not use if allergic to tires. Requires proper inflation and periodic monitoring. Do not use if bald (the tire, not you), bulging around the middle (again the tire), or if taking beer, wine, or liquor (that’s you). Doing “donuts” in the parking lot will decrease usable wear.

Medical Marijuana
[You know it will only be a matter of time before it or “Recreational” varieties are directly marketed. Oh quick, what’s the difference between medical and recreational opiates. Uh huh.]
Do not use if allergic to marijuana. May cause you to impersonate medical personnel. Is not a cure all. Notify your dispensary of…well it really doesn’t matter because they aren’t medical people and won’t have any idea of what you are talking about anyway but notify first responders and emergency room personal that you take “medical” marijuana when they ask you about drug use.

Cauliflower rice
Do not use if allergic to cauliflower. May cause gastric bloating or flatulence. Do not take if using blood thinners. Although not intended as a weight loss product, cauliflower rice may cause a feeling of fullness decreasing any pleasure in eating. Not intended as a replacement for pizza crust.

Political Ads
What you are about to hear is a lie.

—–

If you agree this is a good idea please write to your congressman or senator. They can use a good laugh too.