Category Life

“Happy Holidays,” he said.

Michael Leave a comment
In Miracle on 34th Street Santa Claus declares, “Christmas is not just a day, it’s a state of mind.”
 
I think he was absolutely right. And it’s not just Christmas. It is Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Yule, Saturnalia, or any of another dozen religious and secular holidays. The honored guest may differ but the driving force is the same in all: a celebration of life. Maybe new life, maybe preserved life, maybe life’s good health, or maybe the emergence of life. Life, common to all.
 
The fact that Christmas gets the bulk of recognition in the United States certainly colors the way Americans greet and celebrate with each other come late December. Being Americans we also go out of our way to inform the world in what somebody is sure are no uncertain words that we don’t play favorites, every one is equal, and if we wish you a Merry Christmas we really mean happy whatever you choose to celebrate today, this week, or this month.
 
Um, sorry, but no we don’t. We really mean Merry Christmas. Okay, I really mean Merry Christmas. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. You see I know how to wish a Merry Christmas to you. I don’t know how to wish you a anything else. When I wish you my Merry Christmas I wish you the peace and joy of the season. In my season that peace and joy is manifest in new life. 
 
20191222_214028Peace and joy. Because I don’t celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, although I know the words I don’t know their meanings to the celebrants of those words. But I know if they were to greet me with words customary to their celebrations that whatever the words would be there would be an underlying message of peace and joy, continued good health and a happy life. And I would be grateful for that wish.
 
Over the years the winter festivals have caused considerable consternation but have also been the source of considerable moments of peace. Even as wars raged there were moments when hostilities abated and peace fell even if not with much joy. It would be a great advancement to life if we could spend less time concentrating on the words and more time on the message.
 
Peace and joy to you however you find it, today and forever in your state of mind.
 

It’s Super! Yeah, Right.

Michael Leave a comment
Just when you thought it was safe to go back outside.
This close to Christmas with yet a weekend still ahead of us it should be a time to stay indoors and finish trimming the tree, plan the big family dinner, tune up our voices for midnight mass, and venture outside only for snowman building, sledding, and ice skating. Instead there is one last suspense filled 24 hours. Super Saturday. Also, and perhaps more appropriately known as Panic Saturday.
 
I’m sure with apologies to the National Football League but not to American consumers, Super Saturday is expected to outsell Black Friday this year as it has in most recent years, bringing retailers 60% of the years holiday sales and as much as 40% of this year’s total haul at the hands of those clutching fast melting credit and debit cards.
 
It’s hard for the young crowd to picture it but once upon a time, with the notable exceptions of Spiegel’s and Sears, people had to go to a real store to shop, those stores were closed on Sundays, and without constant flood of email reminders shopping was often a last minute activity. The Saturday before Christmas was the last chance to finish filling out the kids’ Christmas lists. So even without the commercials, banners, and full page ads those Saturdays were already super for many stores.
 
I’m not sure what to make of this year’s edition of Super Saturday. There are 3 days between Saturday and Christmas which is one more than most carriers need for 2 day delivery. Will people take that chance or will in store shopping outpace on line shopping? Will Internet shoppers take the order on line and pick up in store option? Will Saturday night bring regret over whatever choices were made.
 
Or will the collective America decide its bought enough already and spend Saturday building snowmen, sledding down a nearby hill, and falling on their behinds at the frozen over pond?
 
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Skaters
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Dear Santa

Michael 2 Comments
Not every year but often enough I’ve shared a letter to Santa here and that overgrown elf didn’t even have the decency even to reply with regrets. Just blew me off. I get it. I’m older than 6 and I asked for impossible things. You know the kind of stuff people ask for when they are putting their Christmas list on line – peace on earth, enough goodwill to choke a horse, and a good take out pizza at a decent price that feeds less than eight.
 
So this year I’m simplifying my requests. I’d still like peace on earth and goodwill to all people regardless of gender identification, but let’s scale back some of the top tier requests. For instance, Dear Santa, please bring me…
 
A phone book. Seriously, have you ever successfully looked up a phone number from the Internet. And forget about finding an address. I’m sure both are no problem if you’re willing to spend enough dollars. Oh yes, there are sites out there that claims to be free and indeed you can search for free. You just can’t find for free. But those of us old enough to remember phone books remember those days of being able to look up a name even if we couldn’t spell it absolutely correctly and find an address and phone number. That’s the sort of thing that is particularly handy when you are writing out Christmas cards and can’t make out if that’s 333, 338, 388, or 888 Easy St. and swear you’ll re-write clearer when you update your old fashioned address book for next year.
 
Easy open everything. I don’t mean just aspirin bottles. On everything. Everything! Seriously, whether it’s a flash drive, a chef’s knife, or a 10 foot retractable steel rule, it comes sandwiched between two pieces of plastic that are fused together and there is no “open here” corner. The only way in is to hack your way through the plastic vault with a machete or fire axe. That’s assuming you have a machete or fire axe that is not still sealed in its own packaging. And Santa, while you’re at it, how about those aspirin bottles too.
 
Television theme songs.  Because I miss them. You might think this is a silly request but if Santa was able to come up with pet rocks, Tamagotchi, and Tickle Me Elmo … well, silly is as silly does.
 
So that’s my list for this year Santa. There’s not much so I expect to get something this year. And while you’re at it, how about that reasonably priced pizza for one. Two large with 3 toppings for $5.95 is a great deal but come on, there’s just me here.
 
Thank you and Merry Christmas 
DearSanta

Laws of Nature, Naturally

Michael 1 Comment
There are only two things in life you have to do … die and pay taxes, hahahaha! How many of us have heard that tired line how many times? Actually one of those things you really don’t have to do. Are you tired of pledging a part of your income in taxes? As of last month there are 15 countries you can move to with no personal income tax*. Remember than the next time you feel the urge to complain about being gouged by the government. As for the dying part of the grand equation, well, yeah that is something you can put on your bucket list and be sure of accomplishing.
 
Don’t think though that because we’ve eliminated “paying taxes” on the things you must do list that we are down to a single item. There are the laws of nature that neither man nor beast can circumvent. That saying should go “there are only about 3,845 things you have to do” but I’ve often been accused of hyperbole so maybe not that many. But more than two.
 
For instance, you must march along with time. We cannot stop time and until we sign a treaty with the Vulcans sometime in the 23rd century and they share their vast knowledge of astrophysics we won’t be able to slingshot around the sun and go back in time either. However, thanks to the efforts of retail marketing experts we can expand time. Proof is that one day sales now routinely happen over a full weekend and a single day (Cyber Monday) can last a whole week and another (Black Friday) now takes up almost what was once an entire month. Although marketers have been improving the concept, the idea of time expansion is not new and was first developed by the United States government with the Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1975 which stretched paltry 24 hour celebrations of key historical events over 3 days eliminating those pesky workdays between weekends and an extra day off for the holidays that had the nerve to land on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday in certain years. 
 
An immutable law of physics is the conservation of matter which states that mass is a constant which cannot be created nor destroyed, but it can change shape or form. This is especially well documented around the holidays when the goodies on that Christmas cookie tray change from the shape of a Santa on his sleigh to the shape of your ever growing midsection. This law also governs why post New Years Resolution diets fail. You can eat all the celery you want but a pound of vegetables is still a pound and when you gobble it up that pound must be reformed into something else, most likely your waist.
 
ChristmasLights
Some things, again most noticeable during this holiday season, seem to defy this law. It is well documented that any new set of Christmas tree lights once removed from their package and placed on the tree then removed from the tree at the end of the season expands in size and never fit into the original packaging again. If matter cannot be created from where is this excess stuff transferred? I suggest you take a look at some of the most common chocolates you fill those Christmas candy dishes with. Those pound bags of colorfully wrapped Hershey’s Kisses are steadily shrinking, this year down to a trim 11 ounces. They aren’t the only ones who suffer when lights, garland, and even extension cords outgrow their storage cartons. Even the niche traditional candies are being downsized in a heroic effort to maintain the conservation of matter. The Italian delight LaFlorentine torrone is down to boxes of 7-1/2 ounces and Terry’s chocolate oranges once a proud half pound now weigh in at a hair over 6 ounces.
 
The other constant in life may be noticed only by fathers with children getting their first bikes this Christmas but is valid year round and is not gender exclusive. That is a new law of nature, the law of actual assembly time (LAAT). This applies to all toys with the back of the box fine print “some assembly required” as well as to DIY home improvement projects and with appropriate extrapolation, to luggage retrieval times at airports with more than one gate. The LAAT states to determine the actual assembly time multiply the given estimate by 3 and adjust with an additional 5% for every tool required, known as the tool locating variable. (For luggage retrieval substitute “TSA approved lock used” for “tool required.” If locks are not TSA approved actual retrieval time approaches infinity).
 
So you see there are more absolutes than death and taxes, even in The Bahamas.
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*Countries with no personal income tax, in case you are planning a big move sometime in the future. (You probably will notice some of these places are potential paradises while others don’t get so high a AAA travel rating. Of the most desirable places what you save on taxes may end up going to buy a quart of milk. Probably another one of those absolute laws –  The Law of You Get What You Pay For.)
 
Bahamas
Bahrain 
Brunei
Cayman Islands
Kuwait 
Maldives 
Monaco
Nauru 
Oman
Qatar
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Somalia 
United Arab Emirates 
Vanuatu 
Western Sahara

What Color Is Your Parachu– er, Sale?

Michael 2 Comments
Today is another day we’ve been waiting for. Green Monday.
 
People who do marketing know certain colors evoke certain emotions in shoppers. Red imparts urgency, limited time offers, or great reductions such as with clearance sales. Blue suggests confidence and brand trust. And green? Besides being the color of money green symbolizes healing. That must be why so many banks and hospitals use green in their logos and signage. 
 
Green also suggests environmental friendliness. Green Monday? Environmentally friendly sales Monday? Supposedly eBay came up with Green Monday some dozen years ago and claimed just that. According the online giant, online shopping is an environmentally responsible way of shopping.
 
Shopping on online indeed saves the gas and emission used and released by my car on the way to the store but I’m not sure if they count what energy is used to get the UPS truck down my street to deliver my purchases in the greening of on line buying frenzies. And have you ever bought anything from eBay? I have. The package came in a padded case wrapped in bubble wrap, packed in a cardboard sleeve within a corrugated cardboard box filled with packing peanuts. Perhaps the energy used to created all those layers doesn’t count either. In fairness to the company, the sellers are responsible for shipping their products to the buyers, eBay just sets back and collects the money. The green if you will.
 
So, no, I can’t say I’m buying the notion that Green Monday is a celebration of the environment and that every purchase we make will add to the planet’s longevity. I think Green Monday goes back to that earlier thought … it’s the color of money. 
 
20191208_231616As far as I’m concerned the color of money is a fine thing to celebrate. It will go good with the green savings I celebrated on Black Friday, or will save on linens at the January white sales, fitness and wellness equipment on Blue Monday (the third Monday of January), or if I happen to be in Southeast Asia on March 17 on candy and flowers for White Day, or almost anything else at the Red, White and Blue sales between Flag Day and the Fourth of July.
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Hmmmm, I wonder if the best time to buy Scotch Tape is on Plaid Day.
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Yippee Ki Yay…

Michael 7 Comments
We’ve bitten off the better part of the first week of December. That certainly makes it Christmas movie time without complaints that it’s “too early for Christmas!” Personally, I watched my first Christmas movie for this year, this year’s new favorite Christmas movie, on Thanksgiving night and I’ll watch it again at least once a week until Christmas Eve. More about that later. 
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I haven’t done a rant on what makes a Christmas movie for a few years and it’s probably time to revisit that topic lest some of you try to use the season as an excuse to pull out Die Hard from your old VHS library. Yes, there is a Christmas tree in the ball room or whatever that room was supposed to be. If it was the company’s reception area that was the grandest display of corporate opulence even by movie standards. Anyway, the presence of a Christmas tree is not the defining factor of what makes a Christmas movie, otherwise The Poseidon Adventure, Gremlins, and Eyes Wide Shut would be experiencing revivals at your local Bijou every December. 
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Along with characters and plot, movies have to have a setting. Even if it’s an indeterminate long ago and far away they take place at some time in some place. Sometimes the some time is around Christmas. The Shop Around the Corner (which grew up to become You’ve Got Mail) and Untamed Heart are two movies that spend a lot of time around Christmas yet neither identifies as a Christmas movie. The production companies, distributors, and audiences recognize them as love stories and if some scenes have a Christmas tree it is just creating a believable setting. 
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Every once in a while things get more than a little confusing in that regard. In 1947 George Haigt, and Robert Montgomery, and MGM Studios teamed up to present Lady in the Lake, a Steve Fisher adaptation of Raymond Chandler’s 1943 novel of the same name featuring private detective Philip Marlowe. Movies don’t often mimic the books from which they are adapted, in fact you can say they rarely are on the same page. Chandler’s readers were probably confused right from the opening credits of the movie which were presented in a series of Christmas cards with popular Christmas carols providing the background music. Throughout the movie, Christmas trees and wreaths are prominently displayed, holiday greetings are offered and returned, the season is toasted, gifts are exchanged, and one scene opens with a recitation of Dickens “A Christmas Carol” playing on the radio. All from a book whose action takes place entirely in mid-summer in a movie that was released in late January. Christmas movie? Um, no.
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But fear not Christmas movie lovers, there are scads of films, old standbys and newer releases, that will transform the Scroogiest viewers into holly, jolly revelers without ambiguity – movies that add punch to any nog and present their presents wrapped in bows and delivered with care. Everyone has a favorite and every favorite has an ardent following. Yours may be a classic in black and white or an animated interpretation of a classic tale. It could be a big budget musical or an independent dark horse. It’s your favorite because you identify with a character or are reminded of an event every time you hear the title song. Or perhaps it offers a dream holiday you know you will not experience in your own life. Or, like my current favorite, offers an experience almost exactly like my own life.
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I say my current favorite because like children there can be no real favorite among Christmas movies. The favorite is the one making you smile today or remember yesterday, the one encouraging a perfect alternative to an imperfect world and providing an escape from the ordinary. My current favorite is full of imperfections. Imperfect characters making imperfect plans, and ordinary people doing ordinary holiday things while dealing with ordinary year long problems. With all that mediocrity come the glimpses of joy and the fleeting feelings of fun that accompany real people living real lives. Before the closing credits roll you are smiling at them and yourself and ready to get back to whatever is next on your to do list only now you do it with that song running through your head. And not annoyingly.
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My current favorite Christmas movie for this year is Love the Coopers. It’s so unmovielike! It asks you to suspend very little disbelief and quite believably could be about any family, including mine. You want to give them all back but you can’t because you love them so dearly. Love the Coopers, I think it needs a comma but Steven Rogers didn’t and it’s his story so I guess he should know. Maybe it’s more commanding that way. Or maybe it’s supposed to be just a little ambiguous. Just like us.
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Merry Early Christmas!
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Who’s Calling?

Michael 2 Comments
It’s no secret mobile phones have reshaped the very notion of communication in today’s society. From the electronic equivalent of 2 cans and a string to commonplace video calls in a little over 100 years is remarkable. But with progress so comes loss. A not often recognized victim of telephone’s technological advances is film noir. The character in noir, and in its print cousin the hardboiled detective novel, is the phone itself. Aficionados of the genre easily recognize the pivotal shifts in plots telephones make in the telling of the dark tale.
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It’s not by accident the protagonist spends so much time on the phone. The telephone is as important to the story as he is (always a he) (hey, it was mostly the 30s and 40s) (and these guys weren’t known for their “sensitivity” you know). When the good guy needs to determine if the bad guy (also almost always a guy) (they weren’t so sensitive either) is home (which is always a two-bit hotel room), he (the good guy) looks up the number and calls him (the bad guy). If he (the bad guy) isn’t in, he (the good guy) rips the page out of the phone book and heads over to lie in wait. If the bad guy wants to make a quick escape from the good guy, he (the bad guy) ducks into a phone booth, breaks the overhead light, then slinks back into the shadows. Fast forward to the 21st century and none of those scenes gets played out.
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In a classic example of “none of the above” where nobody seems to be the good guy, the phone in “Double Indemnity” is the only point of contact between Fred MacMurray and Barbara Stanwyck after they do what they do. (I’d be more specific but I won’t spoil even a 75 year old movie by giving details. Know that’s it’s frightening even for 2019.) Today the authorities would just subpoena their cell phone records and the last 40 minutes of the movie would be anticlimactic. Heck, they be unnecessary!
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In some case entire movies would be jeopardized. In the absence of an good old fashioned phone, how could you “Dial M for Murder” with a keypad that just beeps and boops. Nobody even answers “A Phone Call From a Stranger” not recognizing the caller ID. With everybody not reaching everybody else “This Gun For Hire” would never have been since that’s not the sort of message one leaves in voicemail.
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Of course in the 1946 classic “The Big Sleep,” Bogart and Bacall could have been using smoke signals and you would still need to sharpen your knife between scenes to cut through the tension. But then every good rule needs an exception and those two were particularly exceptional.
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Bigsleep2
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Giving Thanks in 2019

Michael 2 Comments
Be thankful for the clothes that fit a little snug because it means you have enough to eat
Be thankful for the mess you clean up after the party because it means you have friends
Be thankful for the taxes you pay because it means you’re employed
Be thankful that your lawn needs mowing and your windows need fixing because it means you have a home
Be thankful for you heating bill because it means you are warm
Be thankful for the laundry because it means you have clothes to wear
Be thankful for the space you find at the far end of the parking lot because it means you can walk
Be thankful for the lady who sings off key behind you in church because it means you can hear
Be thankful when people complain about the government because it means we have freedom of speech
Be thankful for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means you’re alive
-Author unknown
HTNX

Acquaintancegiving

Michael 2 Comments
Sing along with me… It’s the most confusing time of the year! 
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The week before Thanksgiving – ugh. (Non-American residents please hang in there, next week we’ll be back to more universal topics.) This week the food related sites and emails are torn between last minute meal prep tips, what to do with leftover turkey tips, and Christmas cookie freezing tips. Home decor posts are split between the Thanksgiving tablescape to die for and how to make this year’s Christmas wreath out of empty aluminum soft drink cans (the new skinny 8oz. models). And editorial writers aren’t sure if they should sharpen their quills for the annual “1001 Things to Be Thankful For” column or “It’s Time to Apologize to Displaced Native Americans” missive. The only ones who seem to have a handle on the week are the merchants who will be switching headers on the sales catalogs from “Black Friday Sale!” to “Holiday Sale Spectacular!!!” (Same ad, just a different name.) 
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A new confusion, one even I missed the early signs of, are what we call this upcoming holiday. Although there had been “Days of Thanksgiving” in what would become these United States since the early 1600s, it was by a proclamation by Abraham Lincoln in 1863 that the holiday we celebrate today was established. For years thereafter the President would proclaim one of the last Thursdays in November to be a “Day of Thanksgiving.” In 1941, Congress finally got around to formalizing the holiday with a resolution permanently stamping the fourth Thursday in November on future calendars as Thanksgiving Day. 
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And so it was for going on 80 years that about this time each year, people would greet one another with a jaunty “Happy Thanksgiving!” Sometime in my life, which admittedly spans more than 3/4 of those 80 years but a far smaller portion of the 300+ years since the Pilgrims made up the silent majority, people began to augment Happy Thanksgiving with phrases like Happy Turkey Day or Good Harvesting. Then in 2007 Friendsgiving reared its ugly head.
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“Thanksgiving is for families,” the argument went. “I want to celebrate my gratitude for my closest friends with my friends.” Sometimes people would actually verbalize that they liked their friends better than their families anyway. Now I am not against friends and friendship nor do I feel friends should be excluded from our celebrations, our gratitude, or our celebrations of our gratitude. In my world when we wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving with our friends we invited those friends to Thanksgiving dinner. The house was more crowded, table was a lot fuller, and not all the plates matched but we all squeezed in, gave our thanks, and proceeded to devour many pounds of food apiece. A couple of years we even tried a buffet style dinner and one particularly warm year we extended the festivities onto the back yard deck. What was important was that we all shared the wish for family and friends with the same expression of gratitude.
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By a totally unscientific review, this year that great marker of contemporary social acceptance, the Television Sitcom Holiday Special, featured more Friendsgiving celebrations than family Thanksgiving meals. I know next month the airways will be full of “Happy Holidays!” taking the place of yesteryear’s “Merry Christmas” and I’ve learned to accept that. I suffer through the growing number of Indigenous Persons Day recognitions where Columbus Day used to be and I am willing to concede Presidents Day actually exists even without ever having been recognized by any governing body outside of Madison Avenue. Valentine’s Day is for more than lovers and St. Patrick’s Day really is a test of who can drink the most green beer in a single seating. Can’t we leave just one holiday alone?
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If you’ll excuse me now, I have to make room in the refrigerator for some turkey hash, sweet potato pancakes, and green bean casserole soup. I want to be able to properly give thanks well into next week too!
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Happy Thanksgiving!
Turkey

Yet Another End to Yet Another Era

Michael Leave a comment
Overly dramatic is just about the norm today. Television newscasts no longer report the latest news, it’s now “Breaking News!” even a followup from something that happened 4 days ago. Weather is no longer weather, it’s “Severe Weather!” even on sunny days (UV you know) and every storm gets a name. Every year, sometimes every month, brings a new “[Fill In the Blank] of the Century!” Movies are spectaculars, books are blockbusters, and when Hollywood speaks, everybody listens. So the end of an era is pretty much ho-hum. The retail world experienced an end of an era this week and believe me, this will not go unnoticed. 
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Philadelphia based Five Below operates over 850 stores in 34 states carrying an odd assortment of electronics, toys, games, gadgets, t- shirts, and novelty items loosely targeted to teens but shopped by all generations. In an early corporate press release they called themselves the “Five and Dime for the iPod Generation.” The five here though was not the nickel F. W. Woolworth was after. It’s the paper five featuring Honest Abe’s countenance. The common thread holding their disparate inventory together was the price point – everything retailed at $5 or less. 
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Monday November 18 all that changed when in a statement the company acknowledged they’ve been pricing items up to $10! Certain tech gadgets they’ve increased prices on are now featured in a separate section called “Ten Below Tech” and everything else ranging in price from $5 to $10 had been lumped into the “Ten Below Gift Shop.” It doesn’t seem like much. Surely there would come a day when suppliers who keep raising wholesale prices outpaced Five Below’s defining pricing philosophy, although Dollar Tree still manages to cap their inventor’s price point at a buck a piece. But here’s the thing, the name isn’t changing. It’s still Five Below. Hmmm. It’s bad enough when certain so-called dollar stores claim to be “dollar stores” because all their products retail for at least a dollar but I always thought Five Below was above that sort of consumer manipulation.
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imagesDollar stores, true dollar stores or their first cousins the 99 cent stores, would never let you down like that. I remember once being in a dollar store, turning the corner and finding an end cap filled with mini-blinds. You know,  those things that cover your windows and might sell from $6 to “woah that’s a lot!” in your typical home improvement store. I don’t know what got into me but I stopped a passing store employee and ask how much they were. “What’s the sign say outside?” came the answer. “If the sign says everything’s a dollar then everything’s a dollar.” Who can argue with that kind of logic. I picked out 4, brought them to the check out register, paid with one crisp (or maybe worn, that was a while ago) $5 bill, and got change back. Now that’s the way to run a business. 
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I suppose I’ll still stop at the local Five Below whenever I pass by to see what new things are on their shelves. I just have to remind myself not to expect much change back anymore.
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