Category Life

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Michael 4 Comments
It’s that time again. Actually tomorrow is that time again. Technically tomorrow morning, around 9:30 give or take is that time again. Specifically tomorrow morning around 9:30 if you live in the northern hemisphere is that time again. It’s fall! Autumn. The end of summer. The autumnal equinox. All that stuff. And flu shot time!!!
 
Yes it’s time for me to harass the unsuspecting, cajole the semi-suspecting, preach to the choir, and harangue whoever is left. Whomever? Whatever, just go get your flu shot.
 
The only legitimate reason to not getting a flu shot is because you don’t want to get a flu shot. And that isn’t. But really, if you don’t want want to get a flu shot just say you don’t want one, you don’t care that you may potentially infect billions of others, that you might contribute to trillions of dollars of economic losses or that you may be single handedly responsible for a facial tissue/acetaminophen shortage. But don’t say you will get sick, it doesn’t work, it’s too expensive, your doctor advises against it, or you are allergic to it.
 
Cue the harangue! 
 
Excuse 1. You won’t get sick from the shot. You might get sick at the same time you get the shot and if that happens you would have gotten sick had you not gotten the shot anyway. The other thing that might happen is you’ll have a slight reaction to it. Your arm will be sore because they are sticking a small neeedle in it. Yes, that will hurt. Get over it! You might feel chills a few hours after. That’s because you’re body is getting ready to make the antibodies. That will go away in an hour or two if you get it at all. You might be tired for 2 or 3 days. Again, that’s normal. Your body is working hard bulking up for the onslaught of flu viruses and that takes work. Don’t be a wimp! You won’t be any more tired than after a hard day at the gym or a hard night at the bar back in the day.
 
Number 2. It does work. With a few caveats. It is not a miracle cure. No vaccine is. (Keep that in mind when a COVID vaccine eventually reaches the public.) The flu virus changes and the folks making the vaccine have to think like a virus and decide what form it will take this year. (Keep that in mind at COVID vaccine time also.) Sometimes they hit the nail on the head and all ends up right in the world. Sometimes they are close and you might not completely escape the little buggers but what you get is much less severe than had you not gotten the shot and don’t ever forget the worst that could happen is death. Slow, fevered, shaking, quaking death.
 
fluNon-reason the Third. Even if you don’t have insurance you can get a free flu shot. Many hospital systems and county and state health departments have free flu shot days because it’s cheaper to give away a vaccine that to treat the disease. Some retail pharmacies give free flu shots and some give you a shopping coupon equal to your cost. If you have insurance you are covered. All insurance plans must cover vaccines. You might have to go to a doctor or clinic of your carrier’s choice and/or you may have a co-pay but you are covered.
 
Harangue Paragraph Four. If for some reason your doctor advises against a flu shot and you are certain he or she is a real doctor and didn’t just print a diploma down at Kinko’s, get a new doctor. You aren’t long for this world trusting your health to that person and not getting a flu shot is not increasing your odds.
 
Excuse the Fifth. There once was a time when egg allergies posed a serious limitation to the universal recommendation for flu shots. Likewise with gelatin and latex. Today’s flu shots are safe for almost all allergic patients. There are very very very very very very very very few exceptions. You may be one. You may also have won the Powerball. That does happen. If you are, you know you are and probably came close to death at some time and don’t want to do that again. 
 
Epilogue: Nothing is perfect. There are two groups of people who should not get the flu shot in addition to the analogous lucky lottery winner. Group 1 – If you are not yet six years old don’t get the flu shot. If you are not yet six years old and you are reading this immediately ask somebody to play the Powerball numbers you are thinking of right now! The second group of people who should not get the flu shot are a subgroup of those with Guillian-Barre Syndrome. If you have a history of Guillain-Barre Syndrome talk to your doctor specifically about the flu shot. (Doctors advising against the flu shot under these circumstances are exempt from Harangue Paragraph Four.)
 
A special word about immunosuppressed individuals (like me) and pregnant women (not like me). We know some vaccines for us can be as dangerous as getting the disease. These are the live virus vaccines. Some vaccines actually contain weakened strains of the virus and these can overrun the weakened immune system in these individuals. An example of this is the early form of the shingles vaccine. But the flu shot is not a live virus. All FDA approved injectable flu vaccines are inactivated vaccines with no live virus. However, the nasal form of the flu vaccine contains weakened strains of live virus and these should not be used by immunocompromised individuals or pregnant women whose immune systems are already working double time. But there is no reason for an immunosuppressed or immunocompromised person not to get an injectable form of the vaccine. The shot’s mild side effects may be exaggerated or prolonged but it is still very safe. I had my vaccine Friday and Friday night I had some chills and in Saturday I didn’t feel like doing much but by Sunday afternoon I was my old self. One of these days I’m going to feel like my young self and when that happens, look out world! Oh. Sorry. I digress.
 
A special word for everyone. If you are already sick don’t get your flu shot now. Wait until your cold or infection passes then get the flu shot. 
 
Now that all of that nonsense is out of the way, back to the business at hand. Do you remember when Fall would start on September 21? Fall was September 21, winter on December 21, Spring started March 21, and Summer came on June 21. Maybe the 22nd. None of this “Autumn begins at 9:31:27am September 22 when the sun is somewhere over the edge of the flat side of the world not visible by those perched on the pole pointing away from Venus while drinking a pumpkin latte on a horse drawn hay wagon.” Those were the good old days.
 
 

Time Out!

Michael 4 Comments
“I have to go, I’m running late. Actually I’m running in time. You know what I mean.” And my daughter knew exactly. If you’re on time, you’re late. That was a snippet of a conversation before I set off for a doctor’s appointment this morning. Even in these days of reduced time and extra spacing in the waiting room, and for some doctors not even opening the waiting room but waiting in the parking lot, I tend to budget my travel time for a 15 minutes early arrival.
 
Unfortunately my drive time estimating skills are not that good. I plan with the help of four travel windows. Anything within the neighborhood is 15 minutes. If the destination is on my side of town it’s a 30 minute drive. Across town or into a neighboring county and I plan for 60 minutes on the road. Anything farther away than that I take a snack, several bottles of water, stop to fill up the gas tank, and in winter check that the tire chains are in the trunk. Most times this admittedly somewhat bizarre approach has served me well. I’m usually at my destination somewhere within those extra 15 minutes and when I’m outside the window it is almost always with more than 15 minutes to spare. That’s okay, I don’t mind waiting. Then are days like today.
 
The drive to the physician’s office for today’s visit is a legitimate 35 minute drive but it’s on this side of town and thus gets the 30 minute travel window. Hey, I don’t make the rules – well, okay, maybe, um, uh. 
 
StopwatchSo I set off on my 30 minute drive and everything was going fine. Just because I was only a quarter of the way there and I used up 20 of those minutes was no reason to panic. I hadn’t hit the 4 lane highways yet. I could make up that time. And I did. Sort of. I got onto the highway and with one eye on the dash clock, one on the speedometer, one on the road and another on the rear view mirror, I watched my way all the way to the parking lot only 10 minutes late which was still 5 minutes early so I wasn’t on time but I was doing fine. I pulled into a spot, strapped on my mask, tripped over the door sill thingy or whatever it’s called on a car, hit the lock button, rescued the keys from inside, hit the lock about again, and marched to the door. Whew! 
 
And there I read, “To minimize contact in the waiting area please do not enter until 5 minutes before your scheduled appointment time.” 
 
Ah…right on time!
 
 

The Things you See

Michael 2 Comments
Every now and then I’ll pass a car on the road or in a parking lot with a dash cam. A car that is not a police vehicle. I’ve often thought why does ordinary Joe Driver need a dash cam.  I don’t know how Joe thinks but I think I figured out why I should get one. Your car is still the one place you can be and say “the things you see when you don’t have a camera.” Even with an ever present cell phone with 5 lenses and auto-zoom you miss that shot you need to prove “No, I’m not making this up!” In just one week I saw a custom license plate celebrating greed, a bumper sticker proclaiming selfishness and stupidity all in one, and evidence that apes can drive. Fortunately before I got home I also saw proof that there still is hope for humanity.
 
I did a whole post devoted to the state issued vanity plate experience. That was 8 years ago and the thought process people have behind their licences plate requests hasn’t changed much. Almost universally with custom plates one is convincing letters and numbers to approximate the word he or she wants. “IM L8” might explain why that car sped past you in the no passing zone. In that earlier post I mentioned one plate I saw that was an honest to gosh English word, ALIMONY. At the time I wrote, “Although it was on a fairly pricey vehicle it wasn’t on a true luxury car so maybe the owner could have worked out a still better deal.”  Perhaps somebody read that and got the idea from me. If so I would like to extend apologies to the payor whose support clearly is responsible for the Audi S6 with the plate ALEMONY. Apparently the previous plate is still in use and not available but as long as you’re soaking the ex, don’t let a little thing like spelling spoil the opportunity to rub it in at the same time.
 
Also affixed to the back of a vehicle, this one stuck to a slightly older crossover (is it a van, SUV, or station wagon?) idling ahead of me at a traffic light, was the bumper sticker demonstrating a while new level of selfishness, even for America. “I wouldn’t wear a mask if you were the last person on Earth” A most interesting sentiment. It went along with the other bumper stickers “I’d Rather Be At The Range” and “My kid can beat up your honor roll student” although the ones providing evidence that vehicle made it to “Sunny Florida 🌴” and “Walt Disney World” made for an interesting contrast. I had to think the “mask” sticker was a custom job because if it was mass produced, who ever was responsible wouldn’t have been that stupid. If “you” are the “last person on Earth” what does that say about the person who is not wearing the mask?
 
20200914_082114A dash cam might not have even picked up the evidence that not all drivers have evolved equally. This was the pick-up truck with the spiked wheels that pulled up beside me. Not spokes but spikes. Six inch long, tapered, metallic looking pointed spikes where each lug nut would be. My first thought was of the hot rods of the 1950s and the chopped roof and flame paintjob driven by the stereotypical bad boy but this was no throwback. This was a basic newer American made full size pick up truck but with weaponized wheels. I had to go in the Internet in search of a picture of something similar and actually found the very wheel although not the very truck. And that can only mean they are organizing. 
 
But the week ended on a more positive note, still one many people probably won’t believe without proof. I can tell you I saw it and I believe. There is still love in the world. While I turned into the drive of my complex I had to slow to allow the couple walking the road in front of me move off to the side. They weren’t youngsters these two, just entering a life together, nor were they an older couple who had been through decades of life side by side. They were approaching middle age, not quite there, often an age of some insecurity when questions of what’s next don’t always have clear answers. This couple was making it clear that whatever was next for them they were facing it together. In that day, at 11 something on a Saturday morning, these two 40-somethings representing the best of mankind were out taking a walk in public for all the world to see – and doing it hand in hand. 
 
Oh yes, the things you see…
 
 
 

Say What?

Michael 2 Comments

Did you hear last week about one of the Trump young’ns (actually I think a youngster-in-law) misquoting Lincoln in his or her speech (the youth or relative youth, not the sixteenth Mr. President)? It doesn’t matter what he said or she said or she said that he said. What matters is how often people are getting wrong things that have been documented for over 150 years. But then, the quote was one attributed to one who was once a living, breathing, actual, real person and real people have a tendency of saying things more than once and not getting it exactly the same each time. (“Oh yes, you’re probably thinking he said “Ask not what your country can do for you,” but when great grand daddy and him were chatting out on the sailboat in the bay he said “don’t go asking what you can and can’t do.” That was the line I was referring to.) But when people misquote the words of fictional characters is when you know you’re dealing with a seasoned misquoter.


Think of the number of times have you heard some variation of “Play it again, Sam,” probably the most misquoted movie quote of all time made even worse because everybody knows that wasn’t the line yet still toss into some random discussion, “As Bogie would say, play it again Sam!” (Technically it was Rick who never said that but that’s a post for a different day.) Misquoting literary and movie characters is an everyday occurence and, now, “Here’s the thing” (as Adrian Monk so often said), those words are written down and no matter how many times you read the book or watch the movie, that fictional person says those same words. Over and over. Always the same. And still…


Sometimes, like Play it again Sam, the misquote just feels right, like the original needed a little spiffing up.


Just the facts ma’am

  • Sergeant Joe Friday probably would have approved this more succinct phrase to his actual more mundane direction to many a witness, “All we want are the facts.”


Damn it Jim, I’m a doctor, not a [fill in the blank]!

  • Dr. McCoy indeed was a doctor, a classy doctor with military bearing not seen much anymore. With all his class and proper southern upbringing he never would use “Damn it” but modern times called for a firmer rebuff than his rather bland “I’m a doctor, not a…”


We don’t need no stinking badges

  • In The Treasure of the Sierra Madre Fred C. Dobbs shouts down to the bandits who claim to be law enforcement officers to show his party their badges. Alfonso Bedoya playing the character identified only as Gold Hat replies with one of the best lines in cinematic history to be later bastardized to the often misquoted abbreviated version. The real line is, “Badges? We ain’t go no badges. We don’t need no badges. I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ badges!”


Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

  • Another line unjustly shortened perhaps by one whose desire to appear literary is greater than his or her desire to read all five acts of The Mourning Bride to uncover Queen Zara’s lament early in Act III, “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.” Oddly it is from this William Congreve play, his only tragedy, that another famous misquote derives. “Music has charms to soothe a savage breast” so often is said to soothe savage beasts instead. Now that is tragic. 


Often truncated quotes appear to be just a desire to create something pithy out of really good dialogue that just won’t hold up under the fast pace of formal cocktail party rules discouraging soliloquies. Unfortunately sometimes when words are removed from the original lines the original meaning goes with them.


Now is the winter of our discontent 

  • That little piece of dialogue from Shakespeare’s Richard III would seem to imply that they were, or we are in the midst of a really miserable time. It is only when you hear or read Richard’s full sentence, “Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of York,” do you get the feeling that this is actually a great and happy time to be alive.


Money is the root of all evil

  • Another truncation that is more famous that the original line comes from what is said to be the best selling book of all time with over 5 billion copies in circulation, The Bible. You would think with that many opportunities to confirm it wouldn’t be misquoted. Probably shortened by dads confronted with teenagers wishing increases in their allowances, the abbreviated version is fair rebuttal. But in fairness to the author, the line from Paul’s letter to Timothy is “For the love of money is the root of all evils, and some people in their desire for it have strayed from the faith and have pierced themselves with many pains.” (1 Timothy 6:10)


Sometimes the quote we know just isn’t the quote at all. 


A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do

  • So often heard from the mouths of teenage boys ready to step onto the playground with shoulders full of chips or ready to defend the honor of mistreated young siblings and weak friends (or so it seemed in the dark ages when I was a teenage boy) the line might have been one said by any of John Wayne’s portrayals. Closest to that are what The Ringo Kid says in Stagecoach, “Well, there’s some things a man just can’t run away from,” and a little closer still from Hondo in Hondo, “A man ought’a do what he thinks is best.” But maybe we just wanted it to be by John Wayne and even got the attribution wrong. Out of all of moviedom the closest of the closest of the close lines was by Charlton Heston speaking as Captain Colt Saunders in the quickly forgotten Three Violent People, “A man must do what he must do.”


And that brings us back to the most famous quote that was never spoken, Play it again Sam, just about always said with Bogart’s unforgettable lisped snarl. Of course his line was really, “You played it for her, you can play it for me! … If she can stand it, I can. Play it!” But the line closest to Play it again, Sam came a few scenes and a montage earlier and is spoken not drunkenly by Rick but very smoothly by Ingrid Bergman in the role of Ilsa. “Play it once, Sam, for old time’s sake. … Play it Sam. Play ‘As Time Goes By’.”


Notwithstanding the most famous quote that isn’t a quote, Casablanca endowed us with some of the most memorable quotes we use so often, “Round up the usual suspects,” “I stick my neck out for no man,” “Of all the gin joints in all the world…,” “We’ll always have Paris,” and the wonderful “Here’s looking at you kid.”


None of them, not the real, not the misquoted, not even the most famous quote that was never said, stand up to my personal favorite quote, a line from my personal favorite movie of all time, the closing line from Casablanca (also often misquoted as This is the start of a beautiful friendship) when Rick walks off with Louis (properly pronounced “Louie”) planning some assumed adventure with the Free French battalion in Brazzaville and says, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Welcome Mat to my World

Michael 2 Comments
In a world where brevity is so important that people abbreviate three letter words (for example, “1 C bread flour or all purpose flour,” come on, if you’re going to go through the whole “bread or all purpose flour” bit in your recipe you can spell out CUP (sheesh)) it is no wonder some people distill their entire life philosophies onto license plates. So much so that I managed to expand those abbreviated thoughts into several thousand words over five posts, Walls O’ Wisdom, UDNTSAY, Mobile Philosophy, Writing on the Walls, and T(-Shirt) is for Thinking. (All good stuff by the way. You should call them up and read or read again if you’re so inclined and I should say you should be.) Maybe it’s been going on for ages but I only recently discovered another outlet for the “let me tell you about my life” crowd, the welcome mat.
 
I’ve had welcome mats all my life and most of them have said something, not surprisingly usually “WELCOME.” Around the holidays I often replace that with others that sport fallen leaves, Christmas scenes or Easter Bunnies, but by and large the message outside my door is “Hi, come on it” even if not in so many words. Apparently there are people  who will make a mat that says just that in just that many words and much else. 
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Living in a townhouse community where most front doors are right there off the main sidewalk, my morning walks through the neighborhood expose me to what people put on and about their front doors. Mostly I admire the wreaths and door adornments but today I focused on the foot of the doors (foots of the doors? feet of the doors? bottoms of the doors!) What I saw there was a wide array of sentiment from “Dogs Welcomed/People Tolerated” to “Wipe Your Feet!” to “Please Hide Packages From Husband.” Out of 50 or 60 door mats I passed, only a handful, mine being one of those, bore the single word “WELCOME” although a good number boasted simliar sentiment like “Hello,” “Come In,” and one “Home Sweet Home.”
 
The mats that conveyed more complex feelings than “Hey, How Ya Doing” were the ones that got me thinking. Where do these all come from? Some I’ve seen in stores. The moronic, ironic “Go Away!” must have been a recent clearance item somewhere because I noted about a half dozen of those and I can’t imagine anybody paying full price whatever the price might be for that. But many had to be custom made, the aforementioned hide the package from hubby and another that had me giggling (I hope I remember the wording right), “If you ever want to see these people again bring five pounds of hamburger in a plain brown wrapper. Signed, The Dog.” Who thinks these things and then who turns those thoughts into 18 x 30 inches of foot level text. I have to find out because I think (some of) these people are brilliant. 
 
Some of my favorites including what I dubbed the Hubby and Dog mats were “Run While You Still Can,” “Hi, I’m Mat,” “What are you looking at?” and “Get Your Feet Off Me!” I give special tribute to those with the most welcoming message of all, those who know some people are just as happy to leave, to wit:
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Speaking Coronese

Michael 2 Comments
It’s been six months in the US since the Corona Virus began making inroads into daily news reports. In early February, unless you were living in the Pacific Northwest, it was more a curiosity than a lifestyle. Some people weren’t certain of the difference between “corona” and “CoViD” and the really clever people were blaming the new virus on Mexican beer. By early March the news outlets were scrambling to count victims, interview experts, and pretend they knew what they meant when they spouted out the words of a language they hadn’t quite fully learned. Many sounded like parade commentators when they are reading the words on the teleprompter for the first time. By early April the cadence of the reports was smoother and the language of the virus, Coronese, was fast becoming the second language everybody wanted to speak. Today we toss around words and phrases like positivity, epidemiology, herd immunity, contact tracing, and the ever popular self-isolation and social distancing like we grew up with them. This is the language of the virus. The formal language if you will. But there’s another language of the virus the goes beyond the jargon. The language of the street (or social media depending where you spend your time), the slang, the language we speak when we take off our hat and coat and sit with friends. Friends we might still want to think hard about and consider if they are worth violating social distance guidelines for and end up self isolating with.
 
20200810_100908Every language devolves into its guttural form and Coronese is no different. Some words are lend words from legitimate language. We now “zoom” whenever we hold a video chat sessions and “mask up” regardless of what body part we are covering with whatever we are covering it with for protection from whatever. Some words are bastardized versions of the technical jargon or legitimate language. Such as “the ‘rona” when referring to anything virus related, “iso-” anything when done alone, or “blursday” for any unspecified or forgotten day of the week.
 
My favorite words of Coronese are the covomanteaus, itself a portmanteau of CoviD and portmanteau. In my mind, warped as it tends to be sometimes, I’ve not yet decided if CoViD itself is an acronym (thus CoViD) or a portmanteau (as the more popular and in my opinion lazier, covid) of Corona Virus Disease. These covomanteaus include covidiot (anyone ignoring specific virus protection recommendations or clueless of the disease in general), covideo (chatting by video or the video chat session itself), quaranteam (your colleagues also working from home performing as a single work unit), and quarantini (although there are actually specific recipes for a “quarantini” it can pretty much be any cocktail made with any ingredients readily available generally using whatever vodka remains after making your own hand sanitizer).
 
Still with all the technical jargon, legitimate language, and coronaslang,  Coronese is missing some important words and giving it due consideration, I’ve decided I am just the one to start filling those holes, or virogaps as any knowledge gap regarding the ‘rona will now be known. So far I’ve come up with covomanteau and virogap but I’ll be working on it day and night. I may put together a quaranteam and we can work together after a short ronamute to our homeworkstations and have a comprehensive ronapedia distributed before we covexit this virocrisis. Until then, keep washing your hands and remember to mask up!
 
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The Big Brush Off

Michael 9 Comments
Who knew there was a name for it? I suppose that makes it easier for headlines and reporting, but this one you didn’t even see there. I first heard it when it popped up in the middle of a followup news story. “It’s called brushing,” the helpful reporter helpfully reported. Of course now it’s all over the place.
 
You remember those seeds people would find in the mail. Seeds from China not ordered yet delivered to mailboxes across America. In the third month of wide spread quarantines due to COVID, mysterious packages from China weren’t received with the awe and elation one might more typically express at finding surprise packages under a tree in December. It turned out the seeds were just that. Seeds. Mostly flowers, some herbs. Just seeds. And it turned out that just seeds weren’t just the only things showing up in mailboxes. People reported receiving sunglasses, stickers, speakers, and socks. The common factors in all these, besides the items starting with “s,” were the absence of any sender documents, invoices, or packing slips, and they weren’t ordered by the people receiving them.
 
“It’s called brushing.” It’s also not new. Last year multiple claims of unordered items being received were reported to Amazon as were they also in 2018. The earliest report of the scam I found was in October of 2017 and I wasn’t working that hard to find any. By then it appeared to be already very well established and a common practice in e-commerce. According to the Better Business Bureau brushing is the practice where a company, usually a third-party seller, sends items to an address that they found online or from a purchased mailing list. The intention is to make it appear as though a verified buyer purchased the product and wrote a glowing online review of the merchandise. This not only increases product ratings but since the item is actually “purchased” it increases the company’s sales leading to more contracts for the third party handler. Typically they are cheap items small enough that can be shipped inexpensively.
 
Representatives from various agencies and organizations including the BBB, the Federal Trade Commission, and the U. S. Postal Service recommend that if you receive an unordered package to contact the retailer or shipper if identified on the label and report that you have been the victim of the scam, and in the case of seeds or edible products to forward the package to local authorities or the United States Department of Agriculture. According to the FTC if you decide you want to keep the item you can because it is in its opinion a “free gift.”
 
Where is the downside except for the long shot possibility that a seed could turn your backyard a Little Shop of Horrors clone? For one, the one that all the experts keep bringing up, how did the sender get your name and address? Face it fellas, our names and addresses aren’t secret. I couldn’t begin to count the number of companies, agencies, clubs, and services that have my name and address. Of more concern that nobody mentions is this third party seller is posting a review in your name and that can’t be done unless you are signed into the site. Suddenly the recommendation everyone makes to change your passwords, even though they don’t say why, is making more sense.
 
And now finally after about five hundred words on brushing I get to the point of today’s post. Just how secure can we make our information even changing passwords and security questions on a regular basis. (By the way, those security questions – does anybody lie about them? Wouldn’t that make more sense? I mean if they are the last line of defense and somebody has already cracked your 23 character upper and lower case, number and special character containing password that you change every 4 days, surely they know what street you grew up on. But I digress.)
 
Banks and security, they don’t go together like pork and beans. I thought of this last week when my daughter told me her credit card issued by a local bank was used by someone to subscribe to some ongoing monthly service. She discovered this while she was reviewing her monthly statement. She contacted the vendor, confirmed the fraudulent charge, contacted the bank and was issued a new card, along with being issued the routine “change your password, PIN, and security questions” instructions. Because that card was one she used for some of her own recurring monthly subscriptions and payments she would have to reenter all that information in those sites. She recieved her new card and began the process of updating payment information when she noticed a vendor already had the new numbers on her profile. Thinking she had just done that and forgot she moved on to another and found their information had been likewise updated. This prompted a new call to the bank and she was informed that “as a service” the bank routinely provides the new information to recurring payment vendors. She reminded them her account had been compromised by way of a recurring payment vendor and asked if they thought was the best course of action to be distributing people’s private information. The response was “most people appreciate not having to go through all that work.”
 
Now that was the real brush off. 

Singing the Goat Song

Michael 4 Comments
The other day I saw an old Peanuts cartoon. Its panels told the tale that if Charlie Brown catches the ball he’s the hero but if he misses it he will be the goat. Charlie “The Goat” Brown. Today Charlie Brown would never be the goat. Well, maybe the goat but he would never be the GOAT. Somehow we’ve managed to screw up the English language yet again.
 
Back in the days when Charles Schulz was drawing the Peanuts gang a goat was the worst thing you could be on the baseball field. In fact, to be a goat anywhere in life was the worst. The goat was the loser. Not only the loser, the goat was the reason for the loss regardless of the reason for the loss. It was always his fault, absolving all others from blame for the failure. He was the scapegoat and it was not a good thing to be the goat.
 
How did we ever work this into our vocabulary? Historically, the scapegoat was one of two goats religious leaders would sacrifice for atonement. One goat was offered as a blood sacrifice and the other, the scapegoat, was removed from the herd and set off into the desert carrying the sins of the people. Most often associate with ancient Judaism, similar rituals were performed by other religions and societies. Ancient Greeks actually used humans, often criminals or slaves, as scapegoats. It was not a good thing to be the goat back then either. 
 
Or was it? Sticking with those old Greeks, according to myth and legend the ancient Greeks’ ancient Greeks’ scapegoat was someone of importance who would be recognized and accepted by the gods, receiving him among them and honoring their request to grant favor upon the mortals. It was a honored role and one only those of the highest status in society could fill. In time when real people took the place of the legends, the people of importance were not so keen on being exiled and left to die to bring about drought relief or for whatever the townsfolk were currently praying. They would find one from the dregs of society and make him appear important by lavishing him with fine clothes and jewels before being driven into the wilderness. Often a tragedy was performed in recognition of the sacrifice. Not a play but more of an opera. The modern word tragedy comes from the ancient Greeks and literally means “Goat Song.” Was that a lament because they were sad that a person was being sacrificed or was it a celebration of the ritual and they were entertaining the gods? That’s the trouble with things that happened over 2500 years ago. Who can say for sure? There just aren’t any good records.
 
And now we have the newest goat, not a scapegoat, the antithesis of the hero, but the GOAT, even better than a hero. GOAT, The Greatest Of All Time. When I look at some of the people who have been declared the GOAT, often by themselves, I wonder if we might not be better off setting them loose in the wilds without their entourages and the fawning public celebrating one whose greatest claim to fame is playing a child’s game better than all the other kids who never grew up. To them the wilderness might be what the rest of us deal with every day in our real lives without entourages, carrying our own sins and asking atonement of our own accord.
 
Maybe the goat, the scapegoat goat is the real hero. Imagine the courage it must take to know you are leaving all alone, you won’t be coming back, and you won’t ever see anybody ever again, but on your shoulders you carry away all the bad of society and those left behind reap the benefit from your action. We need more goats. The goats are the heroes and thanks to Charlie Brown we know it is better to strive to be the hero than claim to be the GOAT.
 
DffxL3hX4AI-HEn
 
 

To Tell the Truth

Michael 2 Comments
From the title of this post you might think I’m taking another shot at advertisers, or politicians, or horror or all horrors, political ads, but no, not at all. Today’s potshots are aimed at us and starting with me. (That would be the collective us not necessary an us that could contain you because you might indeed be the only truthful person in earth. Hey, it has to be somebody!)
 
Once a time up the worse you could do was lie, cheat, or steal. Or perhaps lie, cheat, and steal. A subtle but important difference. But today if it wasn’t for cheating many of the recent sports championship teams members wouldn’t be sporting their championship rings, thievery accounts for 4 of the top 5 reported crimes in the United States (per the FBI the top five in 2020 are larceny, burglary, motor vehicle theft  aggravated assault, robbery) and lies are getting so popular politicians may revert to the truth telling just to differentiate themselves from the common crowd (okay, so I had to get at least one political dig in). And yes, you are in that ground too. You might be so good at social lying that you even fool yourself. Pull up a chair and listen to my tale. (Or read it if that’s easier for you.)
 
It dawned on me that not only do we spend a good chunk of each day lying to each other, each other of us actually expects it because we, in the words of a certain fictionalized Navy JAG officer, can’t handle the truth. Apparently I am one of the very few persons in the television watching world who did not sign up for a free 30 day trial of Disney+ this month, almost all specifically to be able to watch Hamilton. In order to correct the “obvious” oversight on my part my sister asked me if I wanted to pop over and watch it with them before their trial expired. (It just now dawned on me that signing up for a free trial with the foreknowledge that you are so signing up only to watch a specific movie free and then cancelling before getting charge for month #2 could be either or both cheating and stealing but that is (those are?) post(s) for a different day.) “No thank you,” I answered, “I really don’t have any great desire to see it.” You would have thought I said I didn’t want to go to Heaven when I die (or before if that could be arranged). I supposed I could have said, perhaps should have said, “I’d love to!” but I wouldn’t so I didn’t. It’s the truth. I really don’t have a burning desire to see Hamilton. Sorry. Actually no, not sorry.
 
Yes, yes, you’re going to say but those lies we tell in those times aren’t lies, they are niceties, polite nothings, harmless fibs. When did it become necessary to lie to be polite. When you are standing in line at the 12 items or less express lane with your melting half gallon of rocky road ice cream waiting for the clerk to bag the last of the 6 bags of groceries for the guy in front of you and your answer to her “I’m sorry you had to wait,” is “that’s okay, I don’t mind,” that’s a lie! You know you want to say “if you’re so sorry take this portable puddle of chocolate back to the ice cream freezer and bring back back a container I don’t have to eat with a straw! And while I’m waiting I’m going to tell your boss that you lack the counting skills to figure out when you’re being played for a fool!” But no, you want to be nice, it’s more polite that way, so you lie. 
 
You explained 3 times to the auto mechanic that “it goes ‘ker-plunk’ when I turn the steering wheel to the left,” but when he comes back from the test drive he says “I didn’t hear a ‘clunk’ when I stepped on the brakes. When was the last time you heard that?” So you try again, “no, I didn’t say it goes ‘clunk” when I step on the brakes, it’s making a ‘ker-plunk’ing when I turn the steering wheel left.” That sets the tone for a day spent in the service lounge with the 128 cup coffee urn that was fresh three days ago, the magazines with scantily clad muscle cars and girls with big air filters on the covers that were fresh 3 years ago, and the TV in the corner than is permanently tuned to “The Real Housewives of Possum County.” Four hours and 27 cups of coffee later the service manager sticks his head in to tell you you’re all done and he’s sorry it took a little longer than they thought but they had to go to their warehouse to get the part. “It’s okay,” you sort of mumble while mentally visualizing the most recent statement “total outstanding” boxes for your credit cards. Well it’s not okay. You just lied! Four hours earlier you wanted to say “maybe I should try a repair shop that knows the difference between a ker-plunk in the stering wheel and a clunk in the brakes” but then all you said was “uh huh’ and now you lied that it was okay because it’s the polite thing to do.
 
And now we have even more opportunities to politely lie in our daily lives. You know, “of course I’m still washing my hands,” “I love that the whole family Zooms every Friday for Happy Hour!” and “oh yes I wear my mask every time I go out and I’m happy to do it and protect my fellow world citizens!” Yeah, right. You’re probably washing your hands but Happy Birthday, twice, has morphed into the opening line of White Curtain which causing you to pause 9 seconds in to ponder the second line, consider it for another 4, and then dry your hands and walk. What you really want to say is ‘who are all these people, I’d kill myself if I had to do this in person every week.” Finally, you do wear you mask everywhere you go (don’t you?) but be honest, you really want to say “I wear my mask but I’d rather not but because it’s the right thing to do I will so you better too! or “freaking pansies won’t let me in to buy my freaking beer without a freaking mask on but this is freaking America and I have to right to pursue beer so give me a freaking mask.”
 
So, there you go. Tell me you haven’t done the same especially now, during these trying times. But don’t worry – “it’s going to be okay.”
 
 
truthhed
 
 
 
 

Driven to Distraction

Michael 5 Comments
In the midst of chaos comes order. And in the midst of protests, name calling, escalating hospitalizations, and ongoing isolation comes a breath of fresh air. As long as you don’t mind being trapped in a car to get it!
 
Using the money he saved to buy a new car,  Sean Rothermel instead rented 27 billboards for a month and mounted a outside art exhibit and motor tour around Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania neighborhoods. In an interview with the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Rothermel said, “It’s very much about the experience and giving people something to do, even if it’s just for a few hours. Just giving people a way to get back into the present moment but in a way that you’re not stressed out about the virus or the economy.”
 
The April in Paris of Appalachia tour takes about 3 hours through 17 of the city’s neighborhoods. Rothermel posted a driving map and description of each billboard but did not post pictures of the boards to encourage people to get out and move around the city even if it has to be in the confines of a car. He also posted links to resources to help those struggling mentally and emotionally during the pandemic. 
 
If you need a break from isolation and you are in the Western Pennsylvania area it’s worth the gas to take a break for a few hours and navigate around the city making sure you don’t overshoot the board coming up next. But you have to hurry. The billboards are up only for July. If you can’t get to the city but really want a pandemic poster all your own you can see the website for details to bid on one or if you’re a U.S. resident you can enter on Twitter and Instagram to win a poster or jacket.
 
And you thought billboards went out with Mail Pouch tobacco.
 
 
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