Category Humor

Feel free to ignore this greeting. Our menu options have not changed.

Michael Leave a comment

It seems to us that every time you call a bank, an insurance company, some retail store, the local ballet company, your drugstore, your spouse’s work, your work, anybody’s work, or even your kid’s school you are greeted with, “Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.”  Really?  And when was that change anyway?  We’ve been calling the same numbers for years and they all connect to the same recording that starts every call with “Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.

We don’t remember what the choices were from yesterday so how are we to know if they really did change today.  The only thing that we are sure of is that the option we really want – to speak with a human being – isn’t one of the options!  Never is.  We’re certain that it used to be.  We’re pretty sure the last choice was always, “Otherwise, please press zero or hold on for an operator.”  That one used to get you to a human.  It said so right in the description – hold on for an operator.  Now it’s code for “Press zero and we’ll hang up on you.”  And there used to be one that said, “If you are calling from a rotary phone, please hold on.”  That got you a real person also.  Did you ever hold on even though you were calling from a push button phone?  They couldn’t tell.  Could they?

We think we know what the problem is.  There are too many choices.  People are probably clogging up customer service lines with complaints about that company’s automated line saying there wasn’t a choice for their problem when there might have been.  But because there are menus within menus within still other menus, sometimes finding the right choice isn’t a reasonable option.  So we’re proposing our own universal auto-attendant menu that any company can use.

 

–Thank you for calling the First National Insurance Company of Discount Ticket Sellers and Drug Store

–If you want to check a balance, make a payment, transfer funds, request a quote, refill a prescription, get our mailing address, get our e-mail address, access your most recent statement, access older statements, buy a travel mug with our logo on it, order tickets for a sporting event, concert, live theater event, movie, ballet, upcoming auto, home, garden, flower, RV or boat show, commend an employee, or file a complaint, hang up and go to our web-site and take care of business there.  If you’re willing to do it by phone you’ll do fine with it on-line.  With the proliferation of tablets, mobile sites and apps, you don’t even need a real computer to take care of business on line.  You can stay put on your couch, access our site during the commercial, do whatever you want to do, and never miss any of your show.  If you don’t have a tablet you can use a smart phone but the screen is a little small.  Don’t complain to us if you hit a wrong virtual button on a cell phone screen.  Now really, we’re well into the twenty-first century and you don’t have a tablet?  Next you’ll claim to still have a rotary phone.

–All other callers please hold on and listen to our commercial for easy to use personal tablets.

 

There you have it.  It has only two choices and it even works with rotary phones.  And it’s guaranteed not to need changing.  Ever.  Or until somebody invents something more convenient than cell phones or personal tablets.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Hair Today, Gone Yesterday

Michael 1 Comment

All He wanted was a haircut.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a local shop, a national chain, or a guy/gal in his/her basement with a shampoo sink and a set of clippers.  Around here, a basic men’s haircut is $29.  To a woman, that’s probably a bargain.  To a man, that’s infuriating.

He of We is always infuriated that Daughter of He can find shoes on sale for $10 and that’s before the 50% off coupon from the Sunday paper and another 20% off with the friends and family discount card everybody gets when walking through the door.  His shoes?  On the clearance table after looking for a matching pair, $85.  But the $29 haircut is more infuriating.  Here’s why.

Every shop has a price list up on the wall.  Nobody has ever figured out why.  Men’s haircuts aren’t haute coiffure.  Your basic barber/stylist when confronted with a man’s head will snip, buzz, shave, whisk, say thank you, and collect the tip.  One thing on that price list is the senior citizen discount.  That runs the $29 basic cut down to about ten bucks or the price of women’s shoes on sale.  We suppose the logic is that an old guy has less hair than a young one.  Not so.  Both Sons of She have hairlines approaching that of Mr. Clean’s and neither is yet old enough to run for president.  By a lot.  Likewise, He’s hairline has been more easily measured from the back since he was in his 20’s.  The discount should go to the one who has less hair, not more years.

Another thing that is infuriating about the $29 basic cut is that He usually just gets his hair buzzed.  At his last sitting on a barber chair the “stylist” asked how he wanted it.  “Clippers please, number two.”  After asking if He realized how short that was he pointed to the little hair he had on his head.  “Anything longer than number 2 and you won’t be taking anything off.”  She agreed, took about 5 minutes to drape the drape over him, plop a set of cutters into a razor, and set them for the requested depth.  Then she took about 2 minutes cutting his hair then popped the blades off, undraped him, handed him a mirror (which after a lifetime of haircuts he still wasn’t sure why), and stood back waiting for a tip.

So this time when He needed a haircut he walked into the same shop, was greeted by the same “stylist,” asked for the clippers set at number two, acknowledged that he knew how short that was, and was digging out her tip 7 minutes after sitting in the chair.

For $29 you should get at least enough time to talk about last night’s game.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

‘Tis the Season – Summer 2014 Edition

Michael 1 Comment

Most fans concentrate on one sport but the truly fanatic fan doesn’t let something as trivial as a season stop him or her.  We are at another one of those moments when all the stars align – the sports stars – and sports season overlap is lapping all over the place.  NFL Football is starting training camps, women’s football just finished up their championship games (both leagues), arena football begins its playoffs this weekend, hockey wrapped up their development camps for minor league players a week ago, American pro soccer is in the meat of the season, and baseball is in the swing of it all (no pun intended).  And although there is no official NBA activity going on right now, the Sterling Saga more than likely will keep basketball in the papers until next season begins. What’s a fan supposed to do?

A sighting at the local mega-mart has confirmed that fanatic fans can favor them all while still making a summer fashion statement.  It was at the meat department.  The sighting that is.  And what a sight.  With the local pro baseball team ball cap, women’s football t-shirt, football team logo emblazoned shorts, and flip-flops with the hockey team logo repeated across the straps, this fan was making certain that all within sight of her knew she was an equal opportunity athletic supporter.  This one sighting with four major sports team’s apparel on center stage was curiosity piquing.  Was the foursome chosen specifically for that day’s daily wear or was it a coincidence that this lady selected four different teams’ articles?  We’re also owners of sports what-nots so the questions come back to us after going out to everyone else.  And the first question is: Why do we do that?

We’ve all seen enough films of games from the 60’s and earlier to see that people wore suits and dresses to those games.  The 70’s saw team logos and names starting to appear on hats and jackets.  It must have been in the 80’s that replica jerseys started popping up in the stadiums and became standard daily wear in the 90’s.  The new millennium brought the placement of team IDs on sweatpants, t-shirts, sweaters, hoodies, accessories like hair ribbons, sunglasses, backpacks and watches, and even flip-flops so that now every day can be a commemorative to the local sports teams.

Again, why do we do that?  Is it to impart confidence to the players?  Is it to entice others to come and cheer with us?  Is it to ridicule rivals with more bountiful selections?  Is it to feel a part of something bigger than the average fan can normally be a part of?  Whatever the reason, people seem to get their own confidence up, are usually more cheerful (particularly after a win), never let the enemy see them back down, and are happy being part of something big.  Even four times over.

We did notice on the lady fan in the supermarket that there was no attention given to the local soccer team.  Could it be that even after the World Cup and a new foothold in the US, most Americans still don’t understand soccer?  Or is it that maybe the local team isn’t particularly good yet?  We love to support our teams but we go wild supporting our winning teams!  Hmm.  Perhaps with time.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Flaunt It

Michael Leave a comment

Some time ago the people who name cities these things named our city as one with the most courteous drivers.  Apparently the people who name cities these things did not drive on the same roads or at the same times that we are usually driving.  Those are the times that try men’s souls.  Women’s, too.

At a nearby shopping center with multiple entrances there is one entrance from a well-travelled two lane road.  When the shopping center was built that road was widened to four lanes but the additional lanes were stopped and the road returned to two lanes some 100 yards short of that entrance when approaching from the south.  The entrance is to the west which means a left turn from the south.  However, the traffic is such that is unsafe to make a left turn there so signs saying “No Left Turn” were erected.  They really do say that.  The signage has the arrow with the red circle and diagonal slash but beneath that pictogram are the actual words, “No Left Turn.”  Even so, people turn left there.  (They must have remembered Greeley’s advice, “Go west young man.  Go west.”)  But in a nod to courtesy, they signal their planned turn while waiting.  For much longer than what would have taken for the driver to have used the other entrance around the corner.  The one controlled by a traffic light.

Traffic lights present another challenge for those around drivers wanting to turn left.  Many intersections controlled by traffic lights do not have dedicated left turn commands or lead times to facilitate cross-traffic turns.  There is nothing illegal about making left turns at those intersections with the caveat being, as it is in all the states, territories, countries, and day care centers, those vehicles continuing straight through the intersection from the opposite direction will have the right of way.  Here’s where courtesy comes into play.  The driver wishing to turn left will creep into the intersection so he or she can see the progress of the signals from the cross traffic point of view.  Then when that light has spent a sufficient time on YELLOW, just before turning RED, the driver wishing to turn left, will.  It is a courteous maneuver because by turning before the cross traffic light was RED meant that the opposite light was not yet GREEN and the left turning driver did not delay the car from the opposite direction by bolting left just as its driver was going to drive straight through.  No comment regarding the two or three cars following with their own left turns.

These are just two examples of the extreme courtesy shown by and to local drivers.  We could also mention the constant lane changing on the highways around town, but almost always with the accompaniment of turn signals, thus making those NASCAR hopefuls courteous.  Usually the turn signal is the left one and that one stays on for several miles while the driver weaves left and right.  Then there is the passing on the shoulder of the exit ramp.  Here the driver switches to the right turn signal and increases his courtesy level.  By the time that car reaches the end of the ramp the driver has shifted two lanes left again and takes his or her lead monitoring the traffic light for the cross traffic yellow and the soon to be made left turn.  Yes, we could mention these.

So that must be how our city became one of the most courteous to drivers.  And shortly after (or perhaps before) the city motto was changed to, “Go Left Young Man. Go Left.”

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Michael 2 Comments

Last week He of We’s toaster didn’t.  Oh it did once, turning an English Muffin into a piece of charcoal.  What turned an English Muffin into a briquette one day couldn’t even warm bread on the days after.  It was such a good toaster for so long.  As long as you remembered to set the desired doneness at three-quarters of the way to max and then cycle your bread product through twice, it would return a piece of toast crisp and golden.  And now it’s all gone.  Actually, it’s still there on the counter pretending to be a small appliance but it’s quite gone as far as being a useful kitchen tool is concerned.

If there was a time that a toaster should stop toasting, this is it.  All of the stores that would ply small kitchen equipment are starting their Back to School Sales.  Yes, it’s only partway through July but Back to School is the sale of the season.  We suppose if they don’t start now the big Christmas sales might get pushed all the way to October and they’ll not be able to get their Thanksgiving sales started much before September thus leaving Columbus Day challenging Labor Day for the August sales.

It’s odd that toasters would be on the Back to School sale list but they are.  And they are accompanied by single serve coffee makers, smoothie makers, and the Soda Stream.  If we look at the average college student we’re going to find someone whose drink preferences include multiple cups of coffee before getting out of bed in the morning, nothing that was once a fresh fruit or vegetable, or any bubbly beverage without alcohol – hence the requirement for multiple cups of coffee before getting out of bed in the morning.  These seem to be the sort of things that wistful parents would pack for their returning collegians.  So they get bought, schlepped to campus, and then brought back in the spring.

The same goes for all the office supplies purchased and packed.  Color-coded highlighters and notebooks (the paper kind, not the mini-laptop that’s been supplanted by the tablet – the electronic kind, not the stack of bound paper) are good ideas for those who use highlighters and notebooks.  There must be at least a few.   Pens, pencils, rulers, compasses, (compi?), and hand-held calculators seem to scream “Don’t buy me.  I’m from a different era.  Use your back to school money on a new X-Box instead.”  We’re not sure that the average college student even knows how to use a stapler remover.

Back to the appliances, little refrigerators and microwaves are always on the Back to School sale lists but most schools now provide those in their dorms probably to keep the total daily campus wattage somewhere below what the local power plant produces.  But little refrigerators and microwaves are still going to be on sale so Dad can finish his bar and Mom can update the kitchen while the kids are gone.

We don’t know why toasters still make the list.  But they do.  And we’re glad of it because now he can save 15% on his new one.  And he doesn’t even have to keep a C-average to guarantee it will stay with him next year.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Get Ready for the Biggest One-Day Sale All Weekend Long

Michael Leave a comment

Happy Fourteenth of July, our country’s newest holiday.  It must be.  There are sales going on and everybody knows the way Americans mark holidays is through sales and clearances. 

Last Thursday the advertising supplements of almost every store that advertised in the supplement touted their “Last Weekend of Our Fourth of July Sale!”  It was so big that the Sunday advertising supplement had a bunch of ads from that same bunch of retailers that all screamed “Last Week of Our Fourth of July Sale!”  Car dealerships are quite adept at celebrating any one holiday for an entire month. They are now in the middle of their Independence Day Specials that “end August 2.” 

It shouldn’t surprise us that stores are taking 14 days to hold a Fourth of July Sale.  Macy’s regularly has a One Day Sale with special savings on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  The real question here is are there really enough clueless people for a major retailer to have a 3 day One Day Sale and not think twice about it.  Or are we all so desensitized to advertisements that they can call an August Clearance the After Christmas Sale and argue quite convincingly that August is after Christmas.

It’s even gotten the amateur advertisers following suit.  The local volunteer fire company is holding its annual carnival this month and sent out flyers to every household in the township.  Stop by the Carnival the flyer reads.  It goes on to say that festivities start Friday at 7pm, “and beginning earlier.”

It’s a good thing that the Carnival will begin even earlier.  That way people can be there for the opening ceremonies and still have time to hop over to Macy’s for the Friday night kick-off to this Saturday’s One Day Sale. 

Hmm, we’re wondering… if the boss gives you one day to complete a project, can you take 3, 14, or 30 days to work on it?    

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Mobile Philosophy

Michael 4 Comments

In the past we’ve written about how people have expressed their personal thoughts on vanity plates (UDNTSAY, April 2, 2012) and in their homes (Walls O’ Wisdom, March 19, 2012).  There’s another place where people are articulating their point of view, a license plate frame.

Most people who have a frame around their license plates have their favorite sports team, their former college or university, the dealer from whom they purchased their car, a pet they love, or the brand of car they have.  But every once in a while we get behind a motorist whose frame is quite thought-provoking.

The thing about license plate frames is unlike bumper stickers there is a limited space to deal with.  Not as restricted as a vanity plate but unless it’s going to use a very small font, there aren’t a lot of letters available.  They are sort of the Readers’ Digest versions of the Walls o’ Wisdom.

The other thing about license plate frames is that except for those decrying the car dealer, favorite sports teams or animals, or place of matriculation, there aren’t many of them.  But the ones that are there tell a tale.

Some that have appeared in front of our windshields include:

Hit Me.  Ex-Husband in Trunk.  It’s interesting that it specifies Husband.  Is the solicitation of ex-ocide gender specific?  Perhaps wherever this former wife bought her plate there is an Ex-Wife in Trunk version for the other half.

Don’t Follow Me. I’m Lost Too.  No explanation if the frame owner is referring to his or her way to a physical place or a state of mind.

To Bee Is To Do.  Buy Honey.  We’re not sure where to go with that one, but we like the sentiment.  Honey is good.

Do I Look Like I’m Having a Good Day.  This was complete with frowny faces in the corners.

Grandma’s My Name.  Spoiling’s My Game.  Does it need any more explanation?

Just like the walls of wisdom and the vanity plates, these frames tell us something not just about the frame owner but about ourselves also.  There’s something to smile about for each one, even the ex-husband.  And if you can smile while being lost, being sweet, or being cantankerous, it won’t be a long trip.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

It’s All Downhill From Here, Or Is It?

Michael Leave a comment

Summer came a few days ago.  On June 21 at 6:51am EDT, the sun was closest to the Northern Hemisphere that it will ever get during the year, or the Earth’s axis was tilted toward the sun at the most extreme angle that it will ever get during the year, or the day was the longest that it was going to be on any day during the year.

That’s a lot of ways to define the start of summer.  But then you also have those other people who claim the summer solstice isn’t the start of summer but the middle of summer and that just confuses things even more.  We just wait for the weather people to tell us when summer arrives each year and then we know when to start singing the blues.

What?  Who’s singing the blues?  And why?  Let’s take a look at this.  The start of summer is on the longest day of the year.  That means every day after that is getting shorter.  Not so much that you’d notice it.  But it’s happening.  Next thing you know, well, if the next thing you notice is 180-some days away, is that it is the shortest day of the year.  And that it’s cold outside.  We just spent five of the past six months avoiding the cold outside.  Finally around the end of May we started getting consistently warmer temperatures.

Those warmer days meant pools were opened, gardens were planted, grass was fertilized (not every summer chore is a fun one), grills were fired up, convertibles were taken out of storage, and shorts were worn – even by non-fat men.  Surely one day three-quarters of the way through June can’t mess up all those plans, even if it does mean that June 22 had just a smidge less daylight than June 21.

Say what you will but we’re planning on still spending a lot of the next 60 to 90 days on summer time fun.  Toward the end we might have to cram some of those activities into days with less daylight, going from 18 hours to twelve.  But anybody who ever ate a tomato fresh from the garden will tell you that it is all worth it.

When the days start getting less than 12 hours long then we’ll prepare for the upcoming assault by winter.  But the best part of that is that sometime, about three-quarters of the way through December, the days start getting longer again.

That means another summer is just around the corner.

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Oh oh, I-con You See

Michael Leave a comment

Overheard in a break room at work:  “Is it supposed to rain tonight?”  “I saw a picture of raindrops on the news this morning.”  “I saw a lightning bolt for today and raindrops for the rest of this week.”

On a conference call of managers discussing a new time management program for He’s company one manager complained, “the icon for bereavement and for vacation days is almost the same.  Can’t they change one?”

Transcript of a real conversation:  “What’s your sister’s number?”  “Let me check my phone.”

It started innocently enough.  A picture of a red triangle inside another red triangle appeared on the dashboards of cars all across America, all across the world!  No explanation. No late breaking news on any of the major stations.  Oh sure, if you were to read the owner’s manual it would mention that this was the switch to activate the hazard/warning lights.   Otherwise, it was up to the owner to find this out but randomly pushing the button.

Before long another button showed up on the dash with what might be a picture of a snow flake.  (You’d have thought American car makers were distributing their products around the world.)  It might also be a picture of the sun which would indicate to the driver that if the sun was up and got the inside of the car hot, pushing this button will relieve the discomfort by chilling the air before blowing it into the passenger cabin.  Clearly even the authors of the owner’s manual were unsure of which (snowflake or sunshine) this button represented because they just showed a replica of it and defined it as “air conditioning.”

Whether snow or sun this opened the gates for icons to take over other aspects of American life.  Soon weather forecasts would be taken over by pictograms; applications would have descriptors rather than descriptions; photos would appear on phones instead of phone numbers.

Words are becoming a precious commodity.  So precious that some of those applications represented by pictures of things that have nothing to do with the applications’ intents actually limit the number of characters, and thus the number of words, a user might use.  This could be a good thing in that if one can’t come up with more than 25 or 30 words to make out of 140 or so characters then one must come up with alternatives to represent whole words with one, two, or three letters.  And now icons have exploded the use of abbreviations.  (But that’s another post for another day.)

But where were we?  Do you know if it’s supposed to rain today?  Let’s check the pictures on TV and see what they say.  Hmm, we wonder what’s going to happen to weather forecasts on the radio.

🙂

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?

What MPG Does Your Cup Holder Get?

Michael Leave a comment

Sometime in a different century when mini-vans only held 7 passengers and only a couple of manufacturers even made mini-vans, one of the Chrysler divisions (that was back in the days when Plymouth was more than just a rock) highlighted in their advertisements that their mini-vans sported 10 cup holders.  This was in a vehicle that sat only seven people.  Why would any vehicle need more cup holders than passengers?

There are a few people who can manage to get from Point A to Point B and keep nothing in their cup holders other than sunglasses, spare change, or dust.  Those people are to be envied.  Last evening He of We was getting himself ready for the drive to work this morning and had to make sure that there was a bottle of water chilling in the refrigerator for that ride and that the travel mug’s lid was somewhere close to the travel mug, all while pondering if he should leave a few minutes early for a breakfast treat on the way in that would include a large iced tea.  Let’s see, that’s a 3 cup holder requirement for only one rider.

Not to be outdone, Daughter of He routinely leaves the house every morning with a coffee and a smoothie.  Another multi-cup cup holder needer.  (Someday we’ll explore the current smoothie world.  Back in the day when seven passenger vans sported 10 cup holders, smoothies called up images of fruit blended with ice or ice cream and were prone to cause cold headaches.  Today those same called things include nuts, berries, grains, seeds, yogurt, and juices.  They still have fruit but no ice cream.  What fun is that?  But back to the cup holders.)

This got us to thinking.  Just how many cup holders are there out there?  Out there being on the driveway.  He’s chariot has 8 cup holders and five seats.  Four of those cup holders are in the front seat.  The front seats that hold two people.  That’s two cup holders per person up front.  The still means that if He and Daughter of He were to car pool, there could be some days one may have to ride in the back just so there will be enough holders for all the cups.

So that brings us to the real quandary of this.  These two aren’t alone in their liquid refreshments commute.  He knows that because he has seen the occupants of other vehicles’ cup holders in his work’s parking spaces.  They are just as crowded.  So the question is: are all these people really drinking all that much just to get to work?  Is it a daily test of bladder control in preparation for the morning meetings?  Or is it just to have a variety available to match the commute’s traffic mood?  (And if it was going to be for that reason, why aren’t more of those cups holding a good shot of bourbon?  Um, passenger side only!)

Those guys in Detroit back in that former century might have had something.  Nobody talks of engine displacement or horsepower anymore.  Wheel size that once seemed so important is today’s unknown.  Gas mileage always shows up on the ads but it’s just a number to compare models.  The number of air bags pops up in commercials more often than price but neither of these is a big selling point.  Will they really make or break the deal?  But watch a dealer try to sell a car without a cup holder.  It might not be on the spec sheet but it will get asked about during the test drive!

Now, that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you?