Category Humor

It’s the Not So Great Pumpkin

Michael 2 Comments

According to the gardening section of our local paper this was a banner year for pumpkins.  Around here you don’t need a reporter to tell you that.  Pumpkin harvests are far ahead of any recent year and they are still growing.  Pumpkins are everywhere!  Grocery stores have them by the crateful; pumpkin patches are overflowing; backyard gardeners actually grew usable pumpkins this year. On a trip to a drug store He tripped right into a crate of fresh pumpkins right there in the front aisle between the cell phone cases and the “as seen on TV” end cap.  Truly, pumpkins are everywhere!

Homes are filling with plans for pumpkin pies, rolls, cakes, cookies, and custards.  All of the good things that pumpkin has to offer when fall rolls around are going to be as everywhere as the pumpkins themselves are today.  And that’s good.  That’s great.  Usually fall means canned pumpkin for some pies and a pumpkin roll.  But it’s only in the years where there are so many fresh pumpkins that home bakers become more adventurous and try their hands at some of the great pumpkin offerings usually paged right on by in their cookbooks.

Unfortunately, “adventurous” is not limited to the merry home cook.  The commercial world has also caught on that there are a lot of pumpkins this year.  For years we’ve dealt with the pumpkin shaped peanut butter cups and the pumpkin shaped marshmallow “peeps” and the chewy pumpkins that you find on the shelf next to the candy corn and keep hoping they taste like the candy corn but they really taste more like the cob.  And that’s usually it.  A few things that look like pumpkins and taste like something else.  Well, not any more.

It must have started with the coffee shops.  Every year they all come up with their own version of pumpkin spice coffee.  Not bad if you like pumpkin and coffee.  Sort of like eating a piece of pumpkin pie while speeding down the highway on your way to work.  (Not really but those guys from Seattle spend a bazillion dollars wanting us to feel that way and who are we to burst their bubble?)  But now, things are out of control!  Just in yesterday’s paper, in one advertising insert for just one mega-store chain, it said that you can go in and buy pumpkin flavored ground coffee, tea bags, latte, oatmeal, yogurt, Oreos, Toll House chips, and chewing gum.  Pumpkin flavored chewing gum?  Really?

We think maybe someone is carrying this pumpkin thing a little too far now.  Pumpkin flavored chewing gum.  Hmm.  That will show up at the discount houses soon.  Now if you’ll excuse us, we saw a recipe for pumpkin pie rice pudding we want to try.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Past Their Prime

Michael 1 Comment

Everything has an expiration date.  We suppose that means that everything expires.  But do they really?  Ok, first of all, this post really isn’t about expiration dates.  Just hang in there for a couple of paragraphs.  Second, they aren’t all “expiration” dates.  Without getting too technical, let’s look at all of those dates on the things we buy.

“Expiration” dates are the dates that the product ceases to exhibit the characteristics identified. For example, after the expiration date there is no guarantee that an 81mg aspirin tablet will still deliver 81mg of aspirin. It may not hurt you to take it but you won’t be getting the full benefit of it.  Drugs, chemicals, some baking products have expiration dates.  Most often these dates are the first or the last day of a specific month and year (“Expires Oct 31, 2014”).

“Do Not Sell After” dates are the last date an item should be sold that still will deliver the product with the expected quality and safety for some additional period of time.  The most famous sell by date is on milk.  If you buy milk on its last day of sell you don’t have to chug it all before midnight.  You can buy milk on the last day and take it home and drink it over several days.  The number of days are some agreed upon time based on harvest and packaging (or milking, a harvest of a different hand).  The tricky part with these dates is that each product has its own expectation of use period.  You can look them up or let experience be your guide.  Does it still smell good?  Drink the milk.  A couple or three days won’t hurt you any.

“Beyond Use” dates are the dates a product should not be used beyond.  (Clever, don’t you think?)  This means the item is not going to do you any good and may do you harm if you take it or use it after that date.  Specialty drugs, hand-crafted or some artisan food products, and certain chemicals have beyond use dates.  These dates have been determined by specific tests and assays and are usually published in official references for the products’ manufacturers.  If it says that the beyond use date (or “Use By”) is October 12, 2014, that means the 13th is bad luck.  Don’t do it!

That, at last, brings us to the heart of this post.  Coupons!  Last weekend He was going through his coupon keeper (yes, he uses coupons) slotting in last week’s haul and sifting out the “expired” coupons.  And that’s when it struck him.  Why are coupons so bleeping specific?  He was planning on grocery shopping on Sunday, October 12 but many of the coupons that could have been useful expired on October 9.  What was the significance?  It was far from the start or the end of the month (at least 9 days).  October 9 was not a week’s start or end; it was a mid-week Thursday.  They originally came from a Sunday newspaper supplement so they weren’t a specific number of weeks from their published date.  It was some random day someone picked out just like they were dealing with caustic chemicals that would inflict harm if you dared tried to redeem them after their beyond use date!

We understand it is by the companies’ good graces that they honor us with special savings but it turn they also are creating brand loyalty.  Get with it big companies and coupon printers!   If it’s good enough for aspirin to expire at the end of some generic month, why can’t coupons be the same?

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

(Do not read after December 31, 2045.)

Peanut Butter Wars

Michael Leave a comment

Just a day more than 3 weeks and it’s Halloween.  And we have a problem.  For a generation He of We has passed out peanut butter cups, sticks, and pieces on Halloween night.  Now that 120% of all the children in America are allergic to peanut butter, what is he going to do?

It never used to be this way.  People have been grumbling about peanut allergies for years yet every year the children have ripped through their peanut laced wrappers almost before even leaving his porch and never once did the following morning’s paper headline scream “Children Suffer Mass Allergy Attack!”  But this year seems different.  It even seems that there aren’t as many of the bright orange packages in the stores as there had been.

It could be a conspiracy.  There might be nothing wrong with any more American children now than there was fifty years ago.  What if the Twix people are no longer satisfied battling Left against Right and now have turned their combined sights on the Reese’s Sticks, Snickers aficionados are attacking Nutrageous bars, the venerable M&M is concerned about being overtaken by Reese’s Pieces, and the Mallow Cup is attempting to unseat the Reese’s Cup?  All this on the backs of the unsuspecting children who just happened to have been stung by a bee while eating a peanut butter sandwich in the park last summer.

What if it’s the parents who need something to talk about while sitting in the soccer stands since we all know that no American understands soccer just as much as we know parents must talk about something?  One-upping on allergies could be the way to go to keep the peanut butter purchases in check.

What if it’s the peanut people themselves?  No more lowly peanut butter for them.  They could be pushing their supply to the more lucrative Thai prepared dinner market, commercial thickening agents, or cosmetics!  Imagine denying a pre-teen his or her peanut butter cup because someone wants to make an animal-tested-free moisturizer.

Of course, it could be that allergies are on the rise and mothers actually know better what their children can eat than their children.  After all, kids still today eat worms and drink out of garden hoses.

So what is he going to do?  Break tradition?  Or save the children?  It never used to be this complicated.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Good Things, Small Spaces

Michael 2 Comments

“They” say good things come in small packages.  One of these days “they” are going to have to identify themselves so we can discuss these edicts!  Either that or provide comprehensive definitions per platitude.  Is a small place also akin to a small package?

Now don’t get me wrong, small spaces can be, and quite often are, fun.  Take the little red car.  It’s tons of fun.  Nothing beats top down driving on a cool fall day with the leaves falling around you – sometimes even on you.  But let’s be honest:  you sit right on top of the transmission so it’s hot even on the coldest day, the clutch has made a noise like a doggie squeeze toy since the day it was new, and speaking of the clutch and transmission it shifts harder than you’d think for a car that’s powered by an engine the size of a sewing machine.  But it’s more fun than any other means of transportation except perhaps the Orient Express in Ms. Christie’s most vivid imagination.

So what started these thoughts of the good and not so good of small spaces?  Last week I was at the hospital having some tests done.  Of course they were all scheduled for before the sun came up and after a few hours of poking, prodding, and internal picture taking, nature’s call was getting loud.

Restrooms in this hospital group’s buildings try to simulate the home setting.  There aren’t many of them and the ones available to the public are single seaters with cheerful wall paper, soft lighting, and normal sinks.  But in this home-style oasis, in a nod to minimizing cross contamination, everything is touchless.  Motion activated light switch, towel dispenser, soap dispenser, faucet, and toilet flusher live harmoniously with the faux marble and travertine tiles.

What could possibly be the down side of downsizing a public lavatory to the size of a homey bathroom?  Only the size.  It was so small that every time I moved in there something else did too:  paper towels rolled, soap splattered into the sink, and the toilet ran more than a long distance runner training for a marathon.  Everything took automatic to a whole new level, except for the faucet.  Being an offspring of those mounted to the rows of sinks in most major airports, it required me to just about climb into the sink before giving up any water.

But the thought was a good one.  And you know what?  Sometimes even when the not so good tips the scale way to its side, the good still wins.

Merry Ghosties

Michael Leave a comment

There are 33 days until Halloween.  That’s an important number to keep in mind.  Thirty-three days.  Just last week on a news report, we were told that Americans would spend about $7 billion on Halloween this season.  There is one local couple who won’t be in that spending frenzy.  They were spotted last weekend buying a Christmas tree.  For them, Halloween must have been purchased sometime in July!

We all know that the stores have Christmas merchandise out already.  Folks are perusing the aisles with shopping carts filled with fall decorations and often will stop to ogle the rows of pre-lit, pre-decorated, pre-gifted Christmas trees before moving on to the motion activated ghoul door ornament.  But nobody buys those things yet.  The Christmas trees, not the ghouls.

If people start buying Christmas now where will the analysts be next year when predicting Halloween spending?  They could be out of jobs and then who will buy their door knocker embellishments be they ghoulies or evergreens for them?  If we have any plans on reading how much we’ll be spending on Halloween 2015, we have a lot of shopping to do now for 2014!

To make the predictors close to being right we need to spend about $3 million in costumes, $2 billion in candy, another $2 billion in decorations, and a couple hundred million on pet costumes and goodies.  How do we think we’re going to manage those sums if people are out there already buying Christmas trees?  It’s enough to make you think if you need more eggs for Easter.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

The Face of the Legal Profession

Michael Leave a comment

Remember when you were a kid.  Younger.  A little younger.  There!  You were in the backyard and they were picking up sides for the family football game.  Everybody played.  Boys, girls, even old people like teenagers.  And those teens were a font of information.  They would tell the youngsters. “If you want to get picked you have to look mean.  Meaner.  Meaner!”  And mean you looked.  You looked like a cross between a WWE Wannabe and a mountain lion with indigestion.  Very mean.  Some of those young ones, maybe even you, grew up to be a lawyer, but never gave up that face.

We bring this up because lawyers are on TV a lot right now.  Locally there are quite a few high profile cases being tried.  Between the “no comments” from the trial lawyers and prosecutors and the comments from the station commentators there are legal faces all over the television.  All trying to be “serious.”

It’s getting close to general election time and all of the local news outlets are starting to trot out their analysts to analyze the candidates and the candidates’ comments and/or no comments depending on, well, usually just depending because they are, after all, politicians.  Most of these analysts themselves are also politicians (just the ones who lost last time around) and, because you can never have enough of them, lawyers, too.  All trying to be “sincere.”

And because the law schools are pumping out so many lawyers it’s time for some of them to stand out from the crowd.  That means television ads.  For some, YouTube videos even.  (Those are the really scary ones but we digress.)  In these commercials, all the while trying to convince you that he or she is the perfect advocate to get money for you, they put on their not-so-happy face because you want someone not so happy to handle your personal injury claim.  All trying to be “compassionate.”  (Except for the guy with the pony tail who will file your bankruptcy with a smile, with a smile.)

Whether serious, sincere, or compassionate, they all look the same (except that pony tailed guy).  Somewhat like a mountain lion with indigestion.  Someone somewhere has told these lawyers that the law is a noble professional and should be held in reverence.  “So when you’re on TV, don’t look happy at somebody else’s misery!”  Unfortunately, the only non-happy look these guys can muster is wildlife with tummy troubles.

The next time you see a lawyer with some contorted facial expression and with what he thinks are penetrating eyes, don’t rush out to the office with a bottle of Pepto.  His pain will pass.  Faster than his clients’ will.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

A Little Off the Top

Michael Leave a comment

This weekend past was the NFL Week One weekend. It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal.  College football has been going on for a couple of weeks.  High school and midget or little league football might have been happening for close to a month in some places.  And even pro football hasn’t been unheard from with nationally televised pre-season games.  But this was the official week.  The week when football at all levels was played and the games counted.  And there must have been much concern over the summer months because the coaches are all bald.

On Sunday when they spend lots of time aiming the cameras at the coaches along the sidelines during the game that you care about and are watching and all the others that they show during the half-time and post-game reports during and after the game you care about, most of those coaches were hairless.  Ditto for the college coaches on Saturday.  Even on the Friday night local news and in the Saturday morning paper, many of the high school coaches that got some PR time showed off their newly shorn former locks.  Bald we tell you!  They are all bald!

They will say they are making a statement, showing off their toughness, deliberating declaring themselves to be the more testosterone laden version versus the one across the field on the opponents’ benches.  They are the cross between The Rock and Bruce Willis.  Hmmm, let’s look a little closer.

We think they are all shaving their heads because they want to mask their receding hairlines.  For many men, it’s not an easy thing to deal with.  It’s much easier to design a successful pass rush when you look as menacing as the rushers.  Half-time pep talks go over bigger when you just have to grunt and let the bad locker room lighting reflect the sheen from a recent shave.  But when everybody is doing it, it’s not so cool.

We’re estimating close to 75% of the coaches spotted on the sidelines displayed the all over haircut.  (Oddly, those coaches with hair seemed to be wearing hats.)  Where the threat (of whatever) showed when the shaved head was one in a hundred, at 100 out of 100 they are just all the same model.  It is sort of like when the coaches stopped wearing suits on the sidelines and went for golf shirts.  The first few added to their menace repertoire as everyone could see their muscles bulging against the stretchy fabric.  Now they just look ready to hit the late night appetizer specials at the tavern down the street.

So, is the shaved head going to be the new fashion statement for this year’s sideline strollers?  Perhaps.  It’s not necessarily a bad look.  It’s just that those who are sporting it should remember why they favor the clean crown.  And remember that cross between The Rock and Bruce Willis?  Do it enough times and somebody is going to end up looking like a cross between Mr. Clean and Humpty Dumpty.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Truth in Advertising

Michael Leave a comment

Have you seen the ad on television for a laxative that across the bottom of the screen says “this is an advertisement?”  Really now, is this truth in advertising gone too far?  Is it necessary that every time somebody says something on a television ad that they must be identified as professional or everyday Joe?

Pay attention to the next ads for vitamins, pain relievers, or laxatives as they march across your TV screen.  There in a neatly pressed white consultation jacket is the spokesperson to tell you that the laxative will work gently overnight.  Just so you aren’t too taken away by the efficiency of those who invented said laxative, fine print across the bottom of the screen reminds you that the person in the neatly pressed white jacket is a “doctor dramatization.”  An actor even!  Now you know that he didn’t extoll the laxative’s overnight virtues from years of research but just read the ad copy.

Next, somebody is hawking the latest in floor cleaner.  It could be that she is just a regular Joe (or Josephine).  To be sure the little letters across the bottom of the screen now let you know that the person saying those nice things about the latest mop is being compensated for his or her time to tell you what the ad writers have written.

Labor Day recently gone by traditionally ushers in school starts, fall with its turning leaves, cooler temperatures, and the November general election.  Here, television ads for governor have been running on air throughout the summer.  Now they will only increase in frequency and annoyance.  The two candidates have a handful of different ads to air so that, we suppose, nobody gets too tired seeing the same one over and again.  But the one candidate’s, although with different backdrops, all say the same thing and start the same way.  “Did you see my opponent’s ad with this actress talking about me?”  Gee, we didn’t realize they used actors and actresses in political ads.  Is that important?  If they used real constituents to read the script nobody could keep a straight face for those 30 seconds.

It used to be so much easier when whomever regulates advertising said that a company couldn’t say their car got 100 miles per gallon when it barely got ten, when the hamburger bought at a drive through looked at least a little like the one on television, when the laundry soap got at least some of the stains out.

Now that they’ve taken care of those pesky issues we have to be careful that we don’t confuse an ad with a news report.  Remember the next time you see a person drooling over a frozen dinner on television to check the bottom of the screen and see if it doesn’t say “hungry person dramatization.”  You wouldn’t want to be misled that frozen food is tasty in its own right.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Reality Bytes

Michael Leave a comment

Every now and then reality gets in the way.  The reality is that He of We was in the hospital for a while and although we prepped a few posts to keep things up during the convalescence, they weren’t enough.  It happens.  Now that things are a bit better we’re going to try to get back on our regular schedule.  If we don’t, you’ll figure it out.  Back to reality!

—–

Our job is hard!  It shouldn’t be.  Staying grounded in reality should be easy, natural, a no-brainer.  Quantum physics is hard.  Criminal defense law is hard.  Matching coupons to weekly supermarket sales is hard.  Love is hard.  Reality?  Easy as pie.  Yeah, right.

When we started this blog reality was easy.  It was everything the reality TV shows weren’t.  Since then, it’s gotten complicated.  Did you know that there is a newspaper syndicate out there that was soliciting, postings, capturing votes for, and awarding prizes for pet selfies?  Who frames the picture?  Who sets the background?  Who works the shutter for Pete’s sake!?  When “they” say pets are people too, nobody really believes them.  Do they?  Even the camera app people?

On the other hand, here is something that reality might have right although we’re not sure why in this case.  Everyone has heard the tale that we should all smile more often.  After all, it takes something like 8,647 muscles to frown and only 2 to smile.  Alright, that’s a little exaggerated but who’s going to count?  The other day, He of We was laying n bed alternating smiling and frowning trying to count muscles.  (What can we say?  He has that kind of time right now.)  After a few rings around that one the score came up that indeed there are many more muscles involved in the frowning process than in smiling.  If you really concentrate at it you can actually feel the muscles take their positions.  Why would we be built this way?  It seems that smiling is much more beneficial than frowning so why is it so much harder?

Even today’s holiday is harder than reality should be.  For 120 years Americans have been celebrating the contributions including economic achievements that laborers make to the country by celebrating Labor Day.  But each year more people end up working that day (this day).  Because it breaks the boundary between summer and fall and off time and school time, Labor Day traditionally is celebrated by sales and clearances as much as by parades and picnics.

So there you have it.  Or them.  A few ponderables about reality.  Some things to think while you’re flipping burgers, smiling at the dog next door trying to get a good picture taken, before heading to the mall to find one last good clearance on some new walking shorts.  We tell you, this job is hard, but somebody’s got to do it!

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

National Back to School Day

Michael Leave a comment

There are about 500 school districts in our state with about 3300 public schools therein. Add in the charter schools , private schools, cyber schools, religious schools…you get the idea. There are a lot of schools.

Somebody on TV – whoever (whomever?) writes the ad copy for Sonic Drive Thru – decided that we need to know that today, August 14, 2014, is National Back to School Day.  It took some checking but we have been able to tell for certain that only one of the public school districts in our state will begin instruction today, Thursday, August 14, 2014. Others started as early as August 8; one will start as late as September 10.

We think they should all start on the day after Labor Day. For this year that would be Tuesday, September 2, a perfectly acceptable day to start school. But that’s just us.

We mostly think it should be illegal to proclaim a day, any day, Back to School Day, unless you are in a position to decree such a thing! That’s right, unless you are a school principal or a district superintendent you just can’t do that. You’ll be breaking the law.

Do you really want to get into that? Are you going to sell that many more hamburgers and hot dogs if people feel summer is slipping away. Maybe hot tubs; not hot dogs. Perhaps French cut bikinis; not french fried potatoes. Possibly pooltoys; probably not pickles.

We’ll probably get a craving for fast food sometime in the future that starts today. We’ll have to find some other drive thru to satisfy that craving. Those guys obviously are putting all their buns in a basket that expires today!

That’s what we think.  Really.  How ’bout you?