Category Humor

News You Can’t Use

Michael Leave a comment

Lately I’ve seen some pretty unusual news stories often delivered with complete seriousness by the media. They have little or no consequence on life as I know it other than being good head scratchers. So now I present them to you.

This past Tuesday was primary election day in Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is a closed primary state. Voters registered Democrats select who will be on the fall general election ballot from among Democrats on a Democrat ballot. Republicans do the same on a Republican ballot. Voters of both parties had some interesting choices presented to them. There is a law in Pennsylvania and most other states that prohibit convicted felons from holding public office. But there is no law prohibiting them from running for office. And in a dozen local elections across the state, felons were on the ballot. None won so the counties’ boards of election won’t have to go through the trouble of certifying the election and then petitioning a local judge to invalidate the results.

To continue in this vein, if someone wins an election who cannot serve, like a convicted felon or a fictitious character (haven’t you been tempted to vote for Mickey Mouse?) or a dead person, the person who came in second doesn’t get the nomination. That selection is made by the local party committee. Speaking of dead people, it was a candidate who passed away two weeks ago who won a county council nomination in Allegheny County, PA.

Moving farther south, in Georgia an out of work contractor was getting tired of not working so he drove his pick-up truck through his house. He’s been working on repairs for the past couple of weeks. He said the job doesn’t pay but at least he’s not bored.

Heading out west to Las Vegas, Romy and Rocky were married at the Little Church of the West. Did I mention that they are horses.

Staying in the animal world of politics, Giggles the Pig is a candidate for mayor of Flint. Michigan. Giggles owner (campaign manager?) announced the the pig will run at the city’s primary election in August. He claims Michigan state law does not prohibit a pig from running for mayor.

In Chicago a bank employee was fired for calling the company’s regular caterer, ordered a bunch of food, met the delivery person outside the building and had him put the food in her car which she then drove home for the party she was having. She had a hard time understanding why she ended up unemployed.

So there you are, a bunch of news that hopefully means nothing to you. If you happen to be an out of work contractor, a pig handler, a recently unemployed bank employee who just had a party, or a dead politician…um, sorry.

That’s what I think. How ’bout you?

Now they’re really making things up, really

Michael Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been thinking about food a lot.  Just look at some of my most recent posts. Soup, kale,eggrolls. Soup is pretty straightforward. A few posts ago I talked about “them” making up new foods like chia seeds. I got to thinking about more made up stuff when I saw a Taco Bell commercial for a “Doubledilla.” Restaurants, particularly fast food restaurants have a long history of making up stuff. There were no McMuffins before there were McDonalds. But I found a group who are really making up stuff in or for or around the kitchen. Novelists. Yes, those people whose jobs are to make up stuff. And they have taken to food like a nutritionist takes to quinoa.

Many years ago, in a whole different century, I encountered my first food related novel – Someone Is Killing the Great Chefs of Europe by Nan and Ivan Lyons. Now this isn’t your classic mystery or (my favorite) a hard boiled crime story. But it has murders in it so that was good enough for me to pluck it off the bookstore shelf. It was also on clearance, is relatively short for a quick weekend read, and it looked pretty fun based on the backflap synopsis. So I bit. And I still go back and read it today.

Since then, whenever I’ve needed a break from gritty crime and mayhem I’ll crack open a fun, lighthearted food mystery ala Joann Fluke or Chris Cavender. Silly stories you don’t have to concentrate hard on and usually figure out whodunnit somewhere around page 6.

I recently (and finally) slogged my way through Dan Brown’s latest. After several hundred pages of dashing across Florence I needed fluff. So I went off in the search of The Marshmallow Fluff Murders or something similar. Boy did I find similar!

As I was perusing the B&N catalog I found some of the most remarkably titled tomes. I don’t know how good any of the books are but the names are wonderful. We have Battered to Death, All the President’s Menus, As Gouda as Dead, Basil Instinct, Bread on Arrival, and about a hundred other bad puns masquerading as book titles. (Yes, you can really search using the phrase “Foodie Mysteries.”)

There once was a day when if I wanted to mix meals with murder I had to read Robert B. Parker’s “Spenser” mysteries. It seemed at least once every 10 or so chapters our hero would cogitate over his most recent discovery while fixing dinner. And Mr. Parker worked great detail into those fixings.

But today, we have our “Foodie Mysteries” and I don’t dare Roux the Day that I discovered them.

That’s what I think. How ’bout you?

Soup’s On

Michael 1 Comment

It started innocently enough with a cup of clam chowder. This was a couple of weeks ago after a doctor appointment stuck right in the middle of the day. By the time that was over I was hungry as a bear and lunch came at one of those big casual restaurants that are handiest when you have no idea what you want but you know that whatever you decide on will be decent. I decided on soup and a sandwich. Clam chowder and corned beef. I know, not one of your classic combinations but it was decent. and it woke up a soup need in me.

I like soup. Not so much that I’ll eat it every day but that’s exactly what I’ve done now for a whole week. You might associate daily soup eating with autumn, a chill in the air, leaves falling outside, fires burning inside. Not with May and unusually high (like in the nineties) daytime temperatures. I blame my daily soup eating partially on being in the hospital during the coldest months of the year where their idea of soup is salted water. And partially on that clam chowder.

Let’s fast forward a week or so. It’s time for another doctor appointment stuck right in the middle of yet another day. Again, lunch was high on my list of things to do. Another casual restaurant, another soup and sandwich. French onion and grilled chicken. (What can I say? I just don’t pick combinations well.)

Since then I’ve had soup and something for lunch or dinner. Every day. For seven days. Soups from spicy hot and sour to hearty black bean to classic chicken noodle. All much better than salted water.

So now as I approach week two I have to decide if I should continue the soup-a-thon or shift to a more season appropriate accompaniment to my meals. After all, I’d hate to be the cause of snow in May.

That’s what I think. How ’bout you?

Pacing Myself

Michael Leave a comment

The other day I was cutting into an eggroll and it reminded me of a story. Yes, I cut into the eggroll.  With a knife. So I could pick up a piece with a fork. What’s wrong with that? Oh sure, I’ve picked up eggrolls and eaten them out of hand. But I most likely will split it down the middle, add some duck sauce and hot mustard to the innards and then consume it slice by tasty slice.  Yum.

I guess there are other things I eat differently from others.  I always slice the corn off the cob rather than gnawing my way along it although just the thought of butter dripping down the front of my face makes me salivate. Unless there is a chocolate milkshake handy I dip french fries in mayonnaise. That’s the most efficient way to double up on fat that I can think of. And when I eat asparagus I have to start with the stalk and save the crown for last.

So what was the story that made the eggroll become a reminder? Once upon a time, She of We and I were dining at a Chinese restaurant. I know I wanted the General Tso but couldn’t decide between chicken and shrimp.  So I took the diplomatic route and ordered the combination of both.  (When it arrived I had to alternate between the two proteins, never doubling up on one or the other. But we’ve already covered my dining proclivities.) She asked how they were and I said I that the chicken could have been better. Later when the fortune cookies arrived and we went through our ritual of determining who got which, I opened mine, unfolded the tiny slip with the tiny print, squinted at it then almost fell out of my chair.  Printed there in red and white was “Next time order the shrimp.”  True story!

Oh. How does any of this relate to the title of today’s post? Obviously if I have to tkae the extra time to carve an eggroll or arrange my asparagus I obviously take some time to eat.  But that’s OK. I’m just pacing myself.  If I pace myself slow enough I could end up eating just one meal a day, all day. Sort of Roman Emperor-ish.

That’s what I think. How ’bout you?

They’re Making Things Up – Again

Michael Leave a comment

You might remember when couscous was exotic or kale was a salad bar garnish.  I like both of them.  There’s not much better a healthy snack than kale tossed in a tiny bit of olive oil, roasted at 425 degrees for 15 minutes or so, then sprinkled with some parmesan cheese. And couscous makes a nice break from rice or potatoes. Yes, these once obscure food items have made their way to my pantry.

But just because I’ve accepted these is no reason for “those people in charge of things” to make up new food.

Exhibit 1: Quinoa. It’s not real food. It’s not even included in most spell-checkers. And it costs a billion dollars a pound.  We’ve accepted couscous. Isn’t that enough for hard to spell grains?

Exhibit 2: Ghost Peppers. Have you ever seen one of these toxic, glove required, don’t touch your eyes for 3 days peppers. That must be why they are called ghost peppers – no normal human has ever seen one. Habanero peppers are plenty hot enough.

Exhibit 3: Chia Seeds. I really don’t understand these.  I thought they were only good for growing hair on Homer Simpson molds but Daughter of He puts these in her morning smoothies before leaving for work. They are still in the glass on her return. And they cost something like two billion dollars per pound.

Exhibit 4: Coconut Flour. Water, yes. Milk, yes. Sweetened shreds, yes. Flour, really?

So come on important people! We’re just getting used to couscous, kale, and hanger steaks (that’s a post for a different day). You can stop making up new food now. The old stuff is plenty good enough to pack on the pounds.

That’s what I think. How ’bout you?

Alert, Alert, We Need More Lerts

Michael Leave a comment

Even if you’ve been in a cave (or hospital) for the past few months, you must have noticed all of the food recalls lately. Everything from ice cream to baby food tainted with everything from bacteria to broken glass has been pulled from supermarket shelves.  I have to say thank you to the consumer protection people for picking up on these and protecting us from danger and disaster.

I also have to say, ok consumer protection people, let’s stick to the disasters. Among all of the life threatening issues, a local supermarket chain recalled 17 items because they did not include “contains dairy products” on the labels.

What were these products? Two types of rolls made with butter, two cream pies, prepared ham and cheese and turkey and swiss sandwiches, and a variety of cheeses?  Who does not know that butter, cheese, and cream (cream!) are made from milk. Well, except for the cream which is milk.

One would think that if bad things happen to a person when that person has a dairy product that the person would know for sure the list of foods he or she shouldn’t take. And no store should be forced to find room in the deli counter for a sign on each cheese that says “contains dairy” regardless of what a good personal injury lawyer says. We won’t even bring up how to label where cream comes from.

Recalls to protect us from dangers, disasters, and death and good things.  Recalls protecting the stupid from their own stupidity should be recalled.

That’s what I think. How ’bout you?

Swing Your Partner

Michael 1 Comment

Did you ever run across something that is just so bizarre you can’t stop watching?  Then you are ready to experience the world of tractor square dancing.  Go ahead and re-read that sentence all you want.  It really does end with “tractor square dancing.”

I don’t know when I first ran across this spectacle (there really is no other word for it).  I think it might have been some 10 years ago when my mother was sick and I would spend afternoons with her so she wouldn’t be alone.  It was this time of year and our state was holding its annual farm show which was televised on the statewide cable network.  Yes, I know this is January.  Yes, I said farm show.  No I don’t live in the southern hemisphere.  Yes, this is getting sillier by the paragraph.  Anyway, on television back then, in the middle of the afternoon, there were soap operas, Jerry Springer shows, or silly cable programs.  Neither my mother nor I were farm people, animal people other than the occasional house pet, prize winning produce people, and certainly not tractor people.  Yet between choosing among soaps, Springer, or Farmville, tractor square dancing caught our attention.

There was a couple year period when I thought I might have successfully detoxed from the phenomenon.  Again, it was about this time of year and I was on the phone with She.  Our televisions were on and the inevitable “What are you watching?” was asked.  “The farm show.”  “Haven’t seen that for a while.  What’s on?” “Tractor square dancing!”  Another victim — err, fan.

That was when I gave up and made it a point that every January I would click my way around the TV remote until I landed on the Tractor Square Dance event.  Four “couples” of antique tractors in a dirt arena, do-si-do-ing and allemande-ing under the direction of a dance caller just like a regular square dance but this one powered by John Deere and diesel.

I see you don’t believe me.  Go to your favorite search engine and type in “Tractor square dance.”  Among the 300,000 or so returns you will find plenty of clubs dong it all across the country.  And videos!  Watch the videos!  But don’t blame me if you get addicted.

Although not even a regular (?) square dance person, tractor square dancing is so out of the ordinary that I considered it (albeit briefly) for inclusion on the bucket list.  Apparently there is a group not that far from me that is always looking for new drivers.  No experience necessary.  In fact, no tractor necessary either.  They keep their own stable of antique tricycle configured contraptions.  I’m pretty good with a riding lawn mower.  How hard could it be?

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Buy, Save, Repeat

Michael 2 Comments

Congratulations!  You are about to discover a sure fire way of making money at home.  No, it’s not stuffing envelopes or even the twenty-first century equivalent, sending out serial e-mails.  No, it’s not completing surveys or even the old-fashioned equivalent, convincing patsies that they can make money by giving others their opinions.  It’s not coupon clipping, rebate responding, or cyber shopping.  It’s insurance!  Specifically, auto insurance.

Lately my mailboxes, old-fashioned and new-fangled, have become repositories for solicitations to change my car insurance.  I’ve had the same insurance for over 20 years and they say that is when one should seriously consider switching.  Complacency builds and what was a bargain then can be a wallet buster now.  So I took a good look at some of the offers and discovered that there indeed was money to be saved.  In fact, there was money to be made.

Every offer had some huge savings that I was overlooking.  There were savings of $400, $450, even $500 to be had.  There were premiums as low as $19 per month.  There were offers of 75% off of what I am currently paying. It didn’t matter if it was a big company, little company, on-line only, or multi-service.  The insurance version of the name brands – Liberty Mutual, Travelers, Nationwide – were represented.  The ones nobody had ever heard of but sounding like the name brands – Safeco, National, 21st Auto – were there.  The ones with cute ads – Farmers, GEICO, Progressive – were in on it too.  Everybody wanted to save me money!  Everyone from Allstate to State Farm had cash to offer. How nice of them.

So, here is the plan.  Step one, switch to one of the low premium companies.  The best plan is to replace my current insurance with one that has a monthly premium of the low, low price of $19.  Once that’s established, trade it in for 75% savings over my now new cost for a newer, lower, lower outlay that comes out to the remarkably low, low, even lower as in less than $5 per month.  Now, switch to the dollar savings that range from $415, to $450, to $500 for a total savings of $1365.  Subtract the $5 premium payment and we net an income of $1, 360!  There are enough companies offering these fantastic savings that we can do this at least three times for a total money haul of over $4,000.  That’s a used car.  Not a very good one but a car just the same.  And where there’s a car there’s a need for car insurance.

Car insurance, – a sure fire way of making money at home.  Buy, save, repeat.  You gotta love it!

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Those Who Can, Do

Michael Leave a comment

The latest community college non-credit course catalog is out.  We have taken advantage of our community college offerings for years.  Dance classes, photography classes, pasta making classes, wine pairing classes, even Italian for tourists classes have seen us on their rosters.  Subjects that were just plain fun.  But this semester, things aren’t headed in the direction one usually associates with adult education.  Certainly not with Just Plain Fun.

There are still some courses that are useful, practical, and add to the enjoyment of everyday living.  Gardening classes, painting classes, and writing classes are still being offered.  The more casual language classes seem to be a casualty of downsizing.  No longer is there “[Insert Your Favorite Foreign Language Here] for Tourists.”  If you want to learn “How to Play [One of Any Number of Previously Offered Musical Instruments Other Than Guitar or Piano]” you’ll have to do it at the local music academy.   Fortunately, “Freshwater Fishing” is still offered.  (No, that isn’t a typo.)

Perhaps I should explain the “Italian for Tourists” class.  You’re probably saying to yourself, “I’ve read every post these people have put on this blog.  There are trips to Puerto Rico, to maple festivals (whatever those are), unspecified distant time zones, and Niagara Falls.  There are trips by plane, tram, car, and shuttles.  There are no trips to Italy.”  And you would be right.  There are no trips to Italy.  But there have been trips to southern Florida and the general concentration of Italian speakers there is eclipsed only by that of Spanish speakers.  Not that anybody actually speaks Italian there.  But I digress.

There are some new offerings in the community college Community Education Catalog this year.  For the more sensitive type there are now offerings in “Chakra Balancing,” “Contacting Your Spirit Guides,” and “Psychic Development.”  Another new offering is “Turn Your Pain into Peace.”  I read the course synopsis and nowhere is bourbon mentioned.  If you’re going to turn pain into anything, bourbon is pretty much essential.  Of course without any home beer making, wine making, or spirits making (the potable type, not the ones that require guides), the essentials seem to have become superfluous.   That must be why they no longer call it “adult education.”

There is one new course that sounds interesting – The Business of Blogging.  According to the course description you turn a blog into a profitable business.  Hmm …

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

It’s a Pizza Revolution – err, Resolution

Michael 2 Comments

It’s still too early for New Year’s Resolutions for me.  If you want to know why, look back two posts.  However…if I owned a pizza shop I would be building a new bandwagon to hop on with a dandy.  Pizza palaces, parlors, purveyors, and other who have you’s need to seriously get hold of their coupons.

While cleaning out the old coupon keeper and unpinning overflow restaurant coupons from the coupon board, a myriad of pizza coupons bit the dust – expiration date speaking.  Besides the fact that it is remarkably easy to make your own pizza, it is remarkably hard to figure out pizza coupons.  Even the big national chains are getting into the “let’s make this so confusing that nobody will ever want to redeem our coupon or take advantage of our special” craze.  And that’s just plain crazy.

Let’s start with those national chains.  Two pizzas at $5.99 each.  What a deal.  Oh wait, only Monday through Thursday.  Still a deal.  And it comes with two toppings.  On two pizzas.  Now hang on.  Just to whom are they marketing this great special of theirs?  How often does a family of one want two pizzas?  How often does a family of four want two pizzas?  While we’re hanging out with that family, have you ever tried to get four people to agree on two pizza toppings?  Sometimes you can’t get one person to agree on two toppings!  So let’s cross the street to the other chain.  Any large pizza for $7.99.  But we’re back to two toppings.  Unless you want bacon.  Then it’s $12.99 for one topping.  Don’t confuse that with the “Any Pizza for $11.00” deal.  It all depends on do you want carry-out or order on line.  While we’re at it, do you drive to work or carry your lunch?  Sheesh.

Since those guys are no help let’s visit a local shop.  I have a coupon from one for a large pizza with one topping, a twelve inch hoagie, an order of breadsticks and a bottle of cola.  Too much for your family of seventeen?  Another shop has one large pizza with one topping for only $10.  If it’s Thursday you can get two toppings on that large pizza for the same $10.  And if you like that you can super-duper size it to five large pizzas with one topping for only $45.  You can use the savings for your co-pay at the cardiologist.

An interesting thing about these specials is that all of the coupons specify no substitutions and to mention the coupon when ordering.  Why?  It’s not like these are secret savings to special card carrying members of the “I Like Your Pizza Parlor” club.  These come every week in every newspaper, hard copy mailings, e-mail blasts, on the Internet, on their Facebook pages, and taped to the top of the box when you actually do order something.  Substitutions?  Who understands the offer to begin with!

Does it really have to be that confusing just to get a pizza?  Tell you what to do the next time you have a pizza craving.  Take four cups of flour, a cup and a half of warm water, two teaspoons salt, one teaspoon sugar, two tablespoons oil, and a pack of active dry yeast.  Mix the yeast in the water, add the sugar, let it go to town for 5 minutes or so.  Add half of the flour and all of the salt to the water.  Get your hands into it and slowly add the remaining flour then knead it for a couple of minutes.  Put it in a bowl coated with oil to let it rise for about an hour.  Shape it, put it on a lightly oiled pan, brush it with oil then top it with however many toppings you want.  Bake it at 400 degrees for 10-15 minutes.  After you finish your pizza, call your local pizza shop and tell them to stuff it.  And you don’t mean the crust.

Now, that’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?