Category Humor

On the Road – 2016 Style

Michael Leave a comment

I just got back form a little road trip. It’s been a while since I’ve been on the road for so long or so far. Things have changed – and some haven’t.

In general people still haven’t figured out the fine art of driving. Speed limits are optional, turn signals must be broken, brakes apparently don’t work nearly as well as horns, and lanes are merely a suggestion of vehicular placement. I recall when everybody went to driver’s ed in high school. Now nobody goes. And it shows! But no school will pay the cost of a car, a teacher’s extra time (for some reason it was always a gym teacher), and the outrageous insurance it must cost when the only authorized drivers are unlicensed teenagers and a gym teacher.

Rest stops have gotten dirtier, with less real food and more unreal people. And they are farther apart. When many highways were being built in the 1950s the cars were big but of suspect power. In the east and the west where mountains rule the terrain, all roads had stops at the peaks. This allowed the motoring public a chance to stretch their legs, enjoy the views, and allow their cars to cool down after doing their imitations of an asthmatic billy goat. And there the rest stops stayed. The ones that weren’t torn down.  Today’s cars are much more powerful and can easily make it up three or four thousand feet. And much too easily they then make it back down the other side. I feel sorry for the people who live in the flat middle of the country and don’t get to enjoy the experience of plummeting down a mountain around bends often only feet from all too real sheer drops, bending, twisting, turning, ducking into tunnels then back into the sunlight only to plunge into the new darkness of a companion tunnel then thrust back out for another few miles of downhill slaloming all at a speed for which breakneck is too mild an adjective. We don’t need rest stops at the top of the mountains; we need them at the bottom. With liquor licenses. And underwear changing stations.

Gas stations are being augmented by charging stations for electric cars. A great idea. I saw a half-dozen charging stations at each stop I visited.  Even at the smallest of the stops where I stopped there stood the usual six charging stands. For the entire four days on the road I encountered one electric car. Perhaps someday there will be lines for them also.

A new nicety at rest stops is the farmers’ market. I love farmers’ markets and have posted a few thoughts on them. But I don’t understand why they are there. Except for the few RVers still on the road, how many people pick up a peck of fresh veggies for dinner while on vacation?

In the 1970s everybody reduced the speed limit to 55mph to save gas since prices had skyrocketed to a whopping 59 cents per gallon. Even though gas today is cheap at $2.50 a gallon, speed limits keep getting higher. Except for whoever is driving in the left lane. For some reason as soon as I pull out to pass a slower vehicle the car that just sped past me discovers that his brakes indeed brake.

And perhaps someday somebody will be able to explain why there are handicap lanes at the toll plazas. I didn’t use them. But there they were, and that might be this week’s newest, greatest mystery.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Faster Than a Speeding Steam Shovel

Michael Leave a comment

Some years ago I posted a series of tales featuring the dubious driving abilities of those who had managed to plow their vehicles into unsuspecting, immovable buildings. (Enter “Cars” and “Building” into the site search window and you’ll find those contributions.) With the exception of one follow-up a year ago I stopped such posts not because I stopped finding them in the local news but that they had become so commonplace that I feared if I continued you’d develop a less than admirable perception of drivers from my part of the country. But even that can’t stop this installment.

Among last Monday morning’s news stories which included two separate car vs building scuffles and one report of a garbage truck assailing a house in an early morning sneak attack (apparently even the driver was unaware of it at the time) was a related incident. But first, we should take a moment and explore how one directs a vehicle under his or her control into a quite stationary, often multi-storied structure.

I don’t buy the excuse of “I thought I was hitting the brakes.” The pedal configuration in automobiles has been the same for roughly 110 years. That’s longer than anybody who has run into a building has been driving. It’s longer even than anybody who has run into a building has been breathing. No, you don’t suddenly “forget” which pedal is which. I also don’t buy the excuse that “I was distracted.” Distracted driving is indeed a real thing. Many accidents and unfortunately many accidental deaths have been caused by distracted drivers. That I am not disputing. But to hit a building you must leave the roadway, climb over curbs, drive through hedgerows and/or parking meters, flush quail and other small animals often including startled, screaming human beings before striking an object with force enough to propel your vehicle through it. I might buy operator death while driving but since all of the reports that I have seen end with “the driver claimed he (or she) thought he (or she) was hitting his (or her) brakes” and/or “the driver claims to have been distracted,” death clearly has been ruled out.

So now that we’ve explored how one directs a vehicle into a non-vehicle we know no more about the mental state of these drivers than we did before said exploration other than to say they are mental.

SS1And that brings us to my latest report. A man drove his back hoe into the living room of a house. He then drove off! Fortunately (that’s how the local police chief described it, “fortunately”) the homeowner got a good description of the vehicle and officers who were on patrol nearby were able to track down the alleged operator. Fortunately (yes, “fortunately”) they had that good description and they were able to stop the correct backhoe driving down the road. It would have been quite embarrassing to stop the wrong one with pieces of picture window frame hanging from it.

Thank God he didn’t drive around to window #2!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Put me in, Coach!

Michael Leave a comment

If you can, find a news clip of a baseball game from 1960. Although then commonplace it looks funny as all get out to see men wearing suits and hats while they root, root, rooted for the home team. Today anything goes in the stands at sporting events. There are t-shirts, sweatshirts, jerseys, hats, jackets, and don’t forget the big foam fingers. And those are just the fans that actually wear clothes. But the other day at a ball game I saw a suit of a different cut.

There in a field level seat just past the dugout was a young man in complete home team paraphernalia (and not the mascot I should add) – replica jersey, hat, glove, even those funny looking pants with the high socks. He could have been wearing spikes on his shoes for all that I was able to tell from my vantage point. I wonder what went through his mind when he was “dressing” for the game. Could it be that if the team gets into trouble he might step in as savior? Might he be in consideration for this year’s MVP award after coming out of nowhere? Quite literally, out of nowhere.

Let’s listen in to the coaching staff as we head into the 21st inning.

Bench coach: I haven’t seen such a masterful use of the entire roster since that 7-1/2 hour 23 inning marathon in New York 12 years ago.

Manager: Yeah, but we’re still tied and if I pull this pitcher I don’t have anybody left to pinch hit. If we don’t get a run in with one of the first two batters up we’re in deep doo-doo.

Bench Coach: On no we’re not. Check it out. Sitting in section 102. Third row, 4th seat from the aisle.

Manager: Yeah, he’s a natural! Hey you, number 00! Yeah you! Grab a bat and get on deck! Let’s put this thing to bed!

Peanuts

And that’s when the alarm clock went off.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Sing Sing Sing Along

Michael Leave a comment

I was sorting through some old CDs and ran across an interesting one. A collection of TV Theme songs from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. I figured it stopped there because there just weren’t that many later shows that had their own themes. That’s changing. And I think that’s for the better.

There are many shows from the early days of TV that had theme songs recognizable still today – and by many who never saw the show associated with the music. Put ten people in a room and play them the theme from I Love Lucy or The Andy Griffith Show and at least 9 will be humming along. Make it The Beverly Hillbillies or Gilligan’s Island and those same nine will be singing along and probably joined by the tenth. Don’t forget the cop shows and other dramas. You might not be able to name the show but you know when you are hearing the themes from The Rockford Files, Hill Street Blues, or Rawhide (yes, the song that kept the Blues Brothers from death by flying bottles in the cowboy bar started as a TV show theme song).

Then it became fashionable to exclude the theme. Maybe composers wanted too much for a custom song that possibly may be forever be associated with a flop as well as it could be hit. Perhaps it wasn’t worth the time and money to pay for a song “off the shelf.”  More likely, it was 30 seconds that could be sold for advertising rather than use as a background to run opening credits against.

Still shows looked for some identity and found it in one or two chords. Check out the “themes” for Lost, Two Broke Girls, or the entire Law and Order franchise. Fortunately somebody saw the folly in this. Television is supposed to be entertaining and that pleasure is enhanced by a catchy tune. (I’m sure somebody somewhere sometime did research on that. If not, feel free to attribute it to me if you’re ever in a spot that needs justification for pleasure enhancement.) We’re now getting to hear some real music with our TV again. Shows like Orange is the New Black, Mike and Molly, and Modern Family have real songs again even if some are borrowed from other genre.

And once again when we’re trying to come up with contemporary trivia to occupy non-drinking time at the bar we have TV themes returning to the mix. We may have to update our references though. The most popular theme song nobody knows by its real name will soon, if not already, no longer be “Suicide is Painless” but “History is Everything.” Extra points if you can sing all three verses and the bridge.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Now You See It

Michael Leave a comment

The older you get the fewer chances you have to say, “I never thought I’d see that.” It only makes sense that eventually you indeed will have seen everything. Fortunately mankind’s ability to invent, innovate, and improve is boundless. And thus recently, I again had the opportunity to say to myself, “Self, now you’ve seen everything.”

I was out taking a leisurely ride through the local environs when I happened down a road I had never been. This wasn’t a country road or a residential drive. It was a rather short yet well-traveled avenue but for some reason I never had a reason to use it neither to get from here to there nor to patronize any of the less than handful of businesses thereon occupied. There is a mechanic’s shop, an insurance agent, a paint store, and a florist. It was the flower shop that held me awestruck and although it wasn’t as significant say as when man walked on the moon, what I saw was up there. Well, not up there by the moon, actually not anyway at all in space. It was figuratively “up there.” Sort of. Especially if you are having a mentally slow day and can’t come up with a good phrase to end the sentence. Anyway, that flower shop (or ‘Shoppe’ as the marquee proclaimed), was breaking new retail floral ground. It has — are you ready for this? — it has — you really should be sitting down — it has — drum roll please — a drive through window!

Yes, florists are reaching the level of banks, pharmacies, beer distributors, automatic car washes, quickie oil change places, and fast food restaurants showing that thoughtfulness and gentility can also be speedy and convenient. Now you can arrive home with a bouquet of flowers, the perfect apology for whatever you did last night, without having to bear the embarrassment of actually getting out of your car and going into the supermarket floral department and/or counter. No longer do you have an excuse for not bringing your boss’s weird wife a hostess gift just because you were running late to get there for the dinner you’d rather be anywhere other than because the two of you couldn’t decide on a believable excuse for not going. (Ditto for your wife’s weird boss.) And now when you are hit with the question of what to bring for a fourth date while sitting at the red light three blocks from her house you realize your answer is just a short U-turn away.

Style, culture, elegance at the speed of pull around to the first window please. Now I’ve seen everything.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Power to the Person

Michael Leave a comment

A few posts ago I mentioned that my aging television set was aging erratically and rapidly. (See Saying What You Mean (May 16, 2016).) Actually the point of the post was the silly stuff people say when presented with being asked to review a good or service lending credence to the maxim, “It takes a professional reviewer to write a professional review.” Or at least it should. Little did I know that the gods who protect amateur reviewers would direct their wrath upon me.

What was a mere annoyance two weeks ago is now becoming a quest to make it to the annual Back to School Sale season that will undoubtedly feature that most necessary of college necessities, to wit a large screen high definition television. Those gods are probably doubly directive given that I’ve not too long ago also poked fun that those very Back to School Sales selections for whose premature appearance I now anxiously await (as evidenced in What I Did on My Summer Vacation (July 21, 2014) and Have I Got a Deal for You (August 13, 2015) respectively).

Back to the TV. As I then explained (apparently much too briefly) in mid-May how my set was taking remote control to new heights by turning itself on and off at will (or any average joe who happens to be around (sorry, I couldn’t resist)) I must append that by saying that it has wrestled control completely now not letting me even interject my will (or joe) by use of the remote control to turn it on and off at my will (or… no, not again). That’s right. I actually have to use the power button to apply or remove power. It’s downright archaic I tell you!

All this walking across the room to work that button by hand is downright exhausting! Fortunately I should only have to wait another month for this year’s sale of the century for electronics. I just hope that somewhere in the milieu of smart watches, tablets, and streaming media devices somebody actually has enough over stocked TVs to put on sale. Stay tuned. Details coming soon.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Fasting than a speeding bullet…

Michael Leave a comment

I got no mail yesterday. Real mail. In the mailbox mail. Brought by the guy driving the funny looking jeep. Honestly, I don’t remember when I last got no mail. There’s always some mail from some body every day. So what if most of it is from people wanting me to compare auto insurance, get a hearing aid, or use their coupon for 20% off my entire purchase. It’s still mail.

It’s still mail and it’s still a bargain. And it’s a bigger bargain than it was the last time I wrote about the US Postal Service. (See Second Class, All The Way (Nov. 10, 2014) and Neither Snow, nor rain, nor Congress, nor a Polar Vortex, etc., etc. (Jan. 9, 2014).) Since then it’s actually gone down 2 cents for first class postage. I know. I’ve actually used it quite a bit lately. On outgoing mail even. I’ve sent 10 or 12 pieces of real mail to real people so far this month. At $0.47 per, I spend a bit less than $5.00 a month on postage.

Now you’re going to say, “But e-mail is free.” Well… really? Unless you’re sponging off your parents’, children’s, or neighbor’s Wi-Fi, that e-mail is costing you something. Admittedly I’m not a big e-mailer. Over the last couple of weeks I sent about 2 dozen e-mails, let’s say 40 pieces a month. My Internet service costs me about $59/month. Or about $2 a day. A bargain in its own right but if you look at the tangible evidence of that service, my outgoing e-mails, that service costs me about $1.50 per day or $45 a month.

“But what about that service? “You ask. “Snail mail is a slow as … oh, you know while e-mail is instantaneous” So real mail it isn’t a fast as the proverbial projectile fired from a deadly weapon. Most of my correspondence gets to its recipient the next day, and almost always in 2 days. Is there anything I have to say that can’t wait a day or two?

I don’t know. I’m thinking that’s sort of a pretty cool superpower. Cheap, efficient, warm-fuzzy inducing. I think I should send more letters.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Stops Along Holiday Road

Michael Leave a comment

It’s not quite here but if you haven’t already, you’re probably at least in the planning stages for your summer vacation. Have you noticed how we change our vacations through the span of our life? You may be still on your great journey so let me use my life as an example of one who has already journeyed the various stages of vacationing.

I was a kid during the time that station wagons ruled the roads and roads ruled vacation travel. Our vacations typically were to places where branches from our own family tree reached. Which worked out since we became their destination on their vacations. Most summers we loaded up the family sedan and set out on a day’s drive east or west. (There were no relatives south and a day’s drive north would have taken us out of the country.) Major attractions were riding lawn mowers and shopping at department stores different from the ones at home.

The teen year vacations were pretty campy. You know- boy scout camp, baseball camp, band camp, football camp. The camp years. The locations changed but the group didn’t. Later in life these were the memories that would make you appreciate the phrase “familiarity breeds contempt.”

During the college years there were no vacations. With kids in college for a dozen years running, my parents claimed the school year to be their vacation while we would work through the summer so we could all do it again the next fall.

Adulthood finally brought the real vacations. We travelled to exotic places like Los Angeles and Boston. For us that was exotic. One was actually sunny for five days in a row and the other had people who spoke in some language that wasn’t what we were used to hearing at home. Upon the arrival of my daughter vacation spots once again resembled family gatherings. Fortunately staycations were becoming the in thing (even if we didn’t have that catchy name for them) right up until her camp years began.

There was a brief period after my daughter graduated and set out on her own that vacations became exotic again. Since I was actually working and had some discretionary income, exotic actually included locations that required air or sea travel to reach.

And that brings me to the cusp of my “golden years.” Retirement, no commitments, no worries, no work, no time clock, no shirt, no shoes, no income. Every day is a vacation. And as long as I don’t travel too far out of the city I should get to spend quite a few of them on Holiday Road.

So, plan wisely, enjoy your summer vacation, and remember… oh heck, I forgot.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Conserving Colorful Collections

Michael Leave a comment

Yesterday was International Museum Day. Museum, from Old Latin meaning home of the muses. Seriously. Well, they had to live somewhere.

Museums are good places. I can say that now but there was a time when, to me, they were no more than where they keep the dinosaurs. In fact, I thought that “museum” was from Old Bedrockian and really meant “where they keep the dinosaurs.” Fortunately I didn’t pass that trait on to my daughter, nor did any of the rest of my generation pass that on to their offspring. I can tell because there are indeed museums without a single bone under their roofs.

Although our town has a terrific natural history museum with a dandy collection of bones there are others dedicated to art, local history, and scientific accomplishments . But don’t stop there. Anything can be museumable. If your town is the home of something there is probably a museum dedicated to it. Trolleys, hand puppets, kitchen appliances, and carpenters’ tools have multiple museums devoted to them. There are other permanent exhibits dedicated to matchsticks, roller skates, and the moist towelette. And don’t forget the living museums such as Colonial Willimasburg or Salem, Massachusetts. There is actually a living history museum exploring places replicating history and historical events called, appropriately enough, the Living History Museum.  Anything can be, and has been enshrined for current and future devotees.

Whether as large as the Louvre in Paris or as small as Manhattan’s Mmuseumm, as diverse as the Smithsonian or as single minded as the Hammer Museum in Haines, Alaska there is probably a museum out there that you’ll like. What would you want to see memorialized in Greater Museumland?

Somewhere along the way I missed International Museum Day on my personal list of special days. Otherwise I would have posted this last week so we could all have some time to plan on visiting someplace special given to something special. Go ahead and mark yesterday’s date down on your 2017 calendar so we don’t miss next year’s celebration. But please, don’t wait until May 18, 2017 before you visit a museum. This weekend will do.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Saying What You Mean

Michael 1 Comment

My television is on its last one. It is one of the first high def sets from way back when. I don’t remember exactly when way back but it was back enough that they still were stamping “HD” right on the plastic case. That was to remind you why you paid so much for it every time you looked at it, even when it is off. But I like it. Crisp picture, good sound. What more could I want in a TV? Unfortunately it has developed a bad habit of turning itself on and off and I just can’t have a household appliance with a mind of its own. So, its time has come.

Since it was raining and I had nothing else to do I thought I’d do some Internet window shopping. Once I narrowed down things to the price and size ranges both in my comfy zone I turned to the finalists’ specifications pages. I soon discovered that I apparently know little about today’s TV specifications. In fact, I’m not even sure what some of the specifications specify. VE SA (As opposed to MasterCard?) EPEAT Qualified (One-peat, Two-peat, Three-peat, E-peat?) Optical Audio (A measure of how well you can see what you hear?) Color Category (Isn’t that against EEOC rules?)

So the specs didn’t help. How about user reviews? Well…  I’ll let you decide. Mind you, these are actual statements by actual reviewers.

“In one month of ownership, we’ve gotten good image quality and sound.” Stay tuned for results from Month 2.
“I have not had the chance to familiarize myself with the many features of my new TV but hope to in the future.” But I just had to submit a review now because the world is waiting for my opinion.
“Nice appearance” I know that’s number one on my ‘Things I’m Looking For in a Television’ list.
“I ended up buying two of them for my man cave.” Maybe it’s a real cave.
“Multitasking issue notice bcoz lack of quad core processor.” Huh???
“You have to turn the sound up to here (sic) the audio.” Ah, hence the volume control.
“This product replaced an old tube square flatscreen in our bedroom.” My kind of buyer! If the old one ain’t broke, don’t fix it (yet).
“Still learning it as it’s still learning me.” And love grows.

I think I’ll just go down to the TV store and check out what’s on the wall till I find a picture that looks good with audio that sounds good. I know it’s a ridiculously old-fashioned way to buy something but, if it ain’t broke…

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?