Category Humor

A Word From Our Sponsor

Michael 1 Comment

Recently I saw something on line that said something like “All the drug ads on TV like for the first 10 seconds tell you its name and then like spend the rest of the time like daring you to take it.” Like I said it was on line. Like what did you expect? But, it raises a good point.  No, not that drug manufacturers are daring you to take their product. Why isn’t everything else advertised like that?

First a little background about prescription drug advertising on TV, in magazines, on-line, or anywhere else they are targeted “direct to consumers” — it shouldn’t happen. Back in the days when drug companies were run by people with pharmacy degrees and hospitals were run by people with medical degrees, marketing was pretty straight forward. Drug companies got approval from the FDA for a drug which included its official product information and that included what had to be mentioned in all marketing material. This included but was not limited to indications (what it is used for), contraindications (when it should not be used), warnings (what might happen if dosed and monitored inappropriately), and side effects (adverse or unexpected reactions that occurred in more than 0.1% (1 in every 1000) of the participants in post-approval/pre-marketing controlled drug studies). The material was typically presented in pages of information and a presentation lasted anywhere from 30 to 50 minutes. The target audience was doctors and pharmacists who spent years studying these things, understood the language, and often challenged the information as presented by the marketing team, also people with health care related degrees or experience.

Then about 20 years ago drug companies started hiring people with business degrees to run their business. They may have had a background in selling fast food french fries and thought there was no reason prescription drugs shouldn’t be sold the same way. This ignored the fact that they were now targeting an audience of people who could not legally walk into a store and buy their product without a prescription. The FDA, medical organizations and pharmacist organizations disagreed with direct to consumer advertising, not because they wanted to “control” the prescription drug market but because it was establishing a dangerous environment. But the Federal Trade Commission (FTC), made up of business people, said sure, why not, it will create competition and keep prices down. Recognizing that the FDA had regulations requiring what information had to be present in marketing material, the FTC thought those were good things people should know and that’s why there is now a demand for fast, low talkers to do the voice-over for prescription drug ads on TV.

AdNow, back to my premise, if it’s such a good idea why not make all advertising follow a similar structure. With that understanding, I now present the way consumer goods and services should be advertised. In the spirit of the FTC mandate I’ll just note the disclaimers. The creative teams can use the rest of the 15 second spots however they would like. Please note that some of the required language might mean the advertising budgets may require some expansion to reflect longer ad time buys and since we know that companies don’t spend money they cannot recover, there may be a corresponding increase in product pricing.

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Fast food french fries (with or without bacon)
Do not take if allergic to potatoes, oils used for frying which may change without warning, or pigs if using the bacon version. May cause high cholesterol including high good cholesterol and high bad cholesterol. Do not take if using blood thinners. People with high cholesterol, high blood pressure, uncontrolled diabetes, excess body fat, or uncomfortably tight clothing should consult the fry cook or counter person before consuming french fries. May cause bloating, nausea, headaches, or weight gain. Do not continue use if you notice ankle swelling, excess sweating, or shortness of breath after eating. If taking with bacon do consume if you are vegetarian, vegan, or kosher.

Light beer
Do not take if allergic to beer or any ingredient in beer. Do not take if also taking blood thinners, analgesics, antibiotics, sedatives, anti-depressants, narcotics, illegal drugs, or drugs used for diabetes or high blood pressure. May cause inebriation which can lead to embarrassing questions or answers, karaoke or karaoke style singing, chair dancing, and  loss of bladder control. May cause double vision, slurred speech, or drooling. Do not operate a car, heavy machinery, or juke boxes. Consult spouses, partners, or significant others if you cannot remember where you parked. I’d you do not remember where you parked and stumble upon your vehicle, do not drive. Tell yout server if you become nauseous. Quickly.

All-season radial tires
Do not use if allergic to tires. Requires proper inflation and periodic monitoring. Do not use if bald (the tire, not you), bulging around the middle (again the tire), or if taking beer, wine, or liquor (that’s you). Doing “donuts” in the parking lot will decrease usable wear.

Medical Marijuana
[You know it will only be a matter of time before it or “Recreational” varieties are directly marketed. Oh quick, what’s the difference between medical and recreational opiates. Uh huh.]
Do not use if allergic to marijuana. May cause you to impersonate medical personnel. Is not a cure all. Notify your dispensary of…well it really doesn’t matter because they aren’t medical people and won’t have any idea of what you are talking about anyway but notify first responders and emergency room personal that you take “medical” marijuana when they ask you about drug use.

Cauliflower rice
Do not use if allergic to cauliflower. May cause gastric bloating or flatulence. Do not take if using blood thinners. Although not intended as a weight loss product, cauliflower rice may cause a feeling of fullness decreasing any pleasure in eating. Not intended as a replacement for pizza crust.

Political Ads
What you are about to hear is a lie.

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If you agree this is a good idea please write to your congressman or senator. They can use a good laugh too.

 

 

Script Girl

Michael 2 Comments

February might be my favorite month. It’s certainly in the top ten. (I can do without March and its schizophrenic weather patterns and August’s unending humidity. The rest are okay.) February is among my favorites because of the Academy Awards. Quite honestly I don’t think I could possibly care less who goes home with an Oscar this year. I love February because of the old winners.

I love old movies and there is no better time to get a fill of them than in the month leading up to the Oscars. Whether your film love is for musicals, thrillers, book adaptations, war, epics, comedies, or tragedies you will find it on a small screen near you in February. February is when movie services and networks go all out to rake in the viewers with past nominees and winners. The good movies. The ones produced before Hollywood decided America needed a conscience and it was the perfect choice. These are the ones you watch and say to yourself, “they wouldn’t do that today.”

Something else about those old movies they don’t do today is the credits. (Hmm. Some things else are the credits?) I’ve bemoaned the state of movie credits before but it never rears its ugly head as much as now when the screens are filled with the elegance of crediting those who deserve credit and not every Tom, Dick, and Harriet who come close to the set or is close to the financiers.

Buried in those early credits is another thing “they wouldn’t do today.” Among the actors, director, producer, editor, cameraman, set designer, and costumer, almost always is “Script Girl.” Sexism notwithstanding, the title was gradually changed to Script Supervisor in the 60s and 70s, long before males entered the role. But for years, and as long as February remains Oscar Movie Month, for years to come, “Script Girl” was how the continuity expert was defined around the world. Literally.

AdmitOneJust over the weekend I was watching the 1974 Best Foreign Language Film winner, François Truffaut “Day for Night.” (Reading maybe as much as watching as my French comprehension was never as good as my high school grades suggested. Hooray for subtitles.) As the credits rolled (before the movie as they should be) after the acteurs, among the équipage, and before the producteur and the réalisateur was “Script Girl,” just like that, en anglais, capitalized, and in quotes.

And what does this “girl” do. At one time she or he, although then it was almost exclusively she would be the director’s secretary and would record information about how of each scene was shot, prompt actors, and often write notes to be used in publicizing the movie before it’s release. Today the Script Supervisor also keeps notes of wardrobe, props, set dressing, hair, makeup and the actions of the actors during shooting to assist the editor in maintain continuity during and between scenes. Thus when the hero enters a scene with a half full cup of coffee it doesn’t turn into a can of ginger ale 24 seconds later in the final cut.

I’d love to stick around longer and talk about old movies but there’s only 17 days left to February and my DVR is filling up. I have to catch up on some classics today.

To Tell the Truth

Michael Leave a comment

I hate liars. Everybody tells a little fib now and then. (That’s the best cauliflower rice dough pizza. You can’t even tell it has no gluten, cholesterol, fat, calories, taste, or appreciation for a life worth living.) But outright “I know this is blatantly false and I’m saying it only because I want to trick your ass” falsehoods are just wrong. And professional lying like done by every politician and used car salesman since 1959 is the worst.

Those professional liars are getting really good at it. Much of their lying is so subtle we don’t even recognize it as not true. Take the word “free,” a perfectly good word. I think if you ask anybody what the word means you would be told “enjoying personal liberty as in freedom” or “given without cost.” Lexicographers would differ. Well … not so much differ as embellish, just like the liars. Dictionary dot com list 40 definitions for “free,” Cambridge English has 24, Merriam Webster 20, and even the venerable OED lists 14 definitions of the word. That’s why people can take a perfectly good word like “free,” put it in front of another word like “shipping” and feel justified telling you how much it will cost to ship your purchase if it doesn’t meet a minimum amount spent.

The local supermarket where I do most of my grocery shopping has taken to telling the truth. I must tell you, it confuses me sometimes. If you join their loyalty program you get a weekly e-mail offering some incredible value at not just a ridiculously low price but almost always free. A couple weeks ago this deal was a case of their bottled water for 49 cents. This week it’s a can of Coca-Cola for free. And they really mean free. Not with the purchase of another can. Not with a minimum total spent. It’s free. You go into the store, grab a can and take it to the checkout lane where someone will scan the can and scan your loyalty card, then the cash register will total up $0.00 and off you go. Of course they hope you buy something else but you don’t have to. Free means free.

exchangeAnother perfectly good word is “exchange.” This word even has the dictionaries agreeing there is little room for ambiguity. “An act of giving one thing and receiving another (especially of the same type or value) in return” is the number one definition in the Oxford English Dictionary, and except for references to where stocks are traded and a short conservation or argument, every reference to “exchange” is pretty much the giving and getting of something similar. Our general use of the word confirms that. Next week, if next week was fifty years ago, elementary school kids across the country will hold a “Valentine Exchange” at school and everybody gives and gets happy heart shaped cards. (Who knows what they do today.) Just a couple months ago at Christmas time you may have participated in a “Holiday Gift Exchange” at work when to keep in the spirit of exchange a dollar amount was stipulated. Even businesses know that to be an exchange a transaction must be of equal value. Gold and jewelry exchanges all over swap fresh money for old gold at a specifically noted “rate of exchange.”

So when I got a card in the mail from the local Chevy dealer saying it was time to exchange my 9 year old Malibu for a new one I rushed right over!

[sigh]

 

 

 

Groundhog Day. Again.

Michael 2 Comments

With Groundhog Day approaching I was certain I could count on welcoming an early spring. Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, home of the master prognosticator Punxsutawney Phil, is just a hair over 90 miles from my front door so the weather isn’t much different. I don’t have Phil’s innate forecasting power but I could do a reasonable imitation of him by crawling out of my home and looking for a shadow and we would be working under the same sun. Well, naturally it would be the same sun but you know what I mean.

Anyway … I was certain I could count on Phil not casting a shadow because I am certain he is smart enough to stay inside in weather like this. For the past two days I woke up to -5° temperatures. Not fit weather for man (that would be me) or beast (Phil, of course). Then this morning I heard on the morning weather guess (they like to call it a “forecast” but we know better) this Saturday we will be waking to temperatures in the 30s. That’s above freezing! In fact, if you are to believe the amateur prognosticators, Sunday temperatures might be in the 50s, Monday close to 60, then the back the teens and 20s by Tuesday. This is a week after days that never got out of single digits followed by a couple 60° afternoons then this latest foray into sub-zero land.

freezerI think everybody in the world (except San Diego) can honestly say “if you don’t like the weather just wait a day, it will change!” but this is ridiculous. It’s also not uncommon. Without trying to annoy the climate change crowd or those who feel climate change is a socialist plot, the world is not made for stable weather patterns. It’s a not quite spherical orb spinning at a not quite constant speed on a tilted axis while revolving around a not consistent heat source on a not quite regular ovoid orbit. If you don’t believe me I give you from prehistory the Sahara Forest, from modem tourism the Great Lakes, and from calendar makers’ nightmares throughout time leap year.

But forget the long range consequences of our planet hurtling through space with the surefootedness of a vertiginous ballroom dancer. We feel earth’s uncertainty every day. Every single day sunrise and sunset happen at a different time. And not even consistently. Every. Single. Day. Seasons “officially” change on a different day every year. We can’t even figure out how to divide a year into even proportions. We say there are 12 months in a year but they are of three different lengths. We say there are 52 weeks in a year but then ever year starts on a different day of the week. We say there are 365 days in a year yet there’s that leap year thing going on.

So in the midst of all this terrestrial and celestial turmoil we put our trust in a furry woodland creature to tell us if we should plant the corn early this year. Eh, he has a better track record than the guys getting paid to do it so why not?  But if those hotshot weather forecasters are wrong about Saturday morning and we wake up to -5° again and Phil wants to stay in, let him take the day off. Spring will get here even without him. Eventually. We’ll just not be sure exactly when but then why should this year be any different? It’s already different enough anyway.

 

 

Shopping Math

Michael 9 Comments

It was the approaching the mid 1960s and I was nearing third grade in elementary school. Rumors began circulating around town that the school would be moving to “New Math.” We who would be the beneficiaries of such a momentous shift saw it as a bright star in the heavens of learning. Particularly those of us with older siblings who would gleefully taunt us with “wait till you have to learn long division!” Ha! We showed them. Arithmetic is dead. Long live new math!

Yeah, well, that’s why I spent 25 minutes in the toilet paper aisle Sunday afternoon trying to decipher Ultra Strong Mega Rolls and come up with the best buy for my cash challenged paper products budget. I might have once aced the exam on the difference between a number and a numeral but that didn’t help while I was trying to mentally multiply 348 sheets times 9 rolls divided by $9.45 all the while having visions of bears singing about how wonderfully clean their charming toilet tissue makes them feel.

tpIt doesn’t help that there are no federal guidelines for bathroom tissue roll sizes. Double, triple, giant, mega, mega plus, and super were the adjectives in use in that aisle but even when used by the same brands, the same moniker did not represent the same number (numeral?) of sheets per roll. One package of Mega Rolls boasted 308 sheets per roll while another claimed 348 sheets per roll. Double Rolls had either 148 sheets or 167 sheets. None of that made it easier to figure out if 9 rolls for $9.45 was a better value than 12 rolls for $11.45. New math said “x is greater than y when the intersecting sets represent the lesser value of the total compared to the greater value of the sum of the variable(s) represented by the equation,” but old arithmetic said “Hold on there, Baby Bear. That’s not just right.” (If you are trying to follow along without a program, although everybody used it as a basis for comparison, I never found a roll claiming to be “Regular.” Not a good thing not to be amidst all that toilet paper.)

By the time my daughter entered third grade I was happy to see basic arithmetic had returned to the school curriculum and I could look forward to having help balancing my checkbook. Unfortunately even old math was not her passion and anything other than straight addition, subtraction, or division by ten was, though not a challenge, not actively pursued as a Sunday afternoon diversion. And so, now these many years later, I was left standing in the toilet paper aisle pondering if I would rather have “ultra soft” or “ultra strong,” whether the shape of the package would fit in my closet, and finally just going for the greatest number of sheets per roll figuring that equals the fewest number of times I’ll have to change the roll on the holder.

Satisfied I made the most logical if not the most economical choice, I checked my shopping list for the next item up. Hmm. Paper towels. I have to start shopping with a calculator.

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Memo to self: Rerun this if stuck for a post on August 26, National Toilet Paper Day. Really, August 26, not the first Tuesday following the first Monday in November. Who knew?

 

 

Not for Nothing

Michael 2 Comments

This morning at 7:57 Eastern Standard Time, the temperature here recorded 0°. Again for the international, hopelessly metric-centric, or way too scientific reader, that’s Fahrenheit degrees. Celsius or Kelvin users feel free to calculate out your equivalents but believe me when I say it’s not going to add to your reading pleasure. (Does anybody actually use Kelvin?) Anyway, it got to zero degrees for the first time this year and it made me wonder, what does that mean?

I mean I know what it means but what does it mean? I’m a scientist and I don’t understand what happens when there are no degrees. (I don’t understand how radio works either so maybe I’m being too generous calling myself that regardless of what some university declared on a piece of paper way back then. That was a long time ago anyway.) So, anyway, again, what does 0° mean? Zero grams (hooray for metric!) means there is no mass. Zero lumens equals no light.  So does zero degrees mean there is no temperature? If there isn’t, how do we get negative degrees. Do we owe the air some temperature back? It may seem so but usually a heavy coat, warm gloves and a good hat keep our own degrees right where they belong.

thermzeroI really think somebody needs to get on this problem of where did all the degrees go and did they take the temperature with them. The next thing you know, the laws of physics are going to be broken left and right. Imagine if surface tension decided it wasn’t going to hold fluid in place any more. Your eyeballs would slide right out of your head. I’m sorry if that doesn’t paint a very pretty picture but you won’t be able be able to see it anyway. What if objects just stopped have equal and opposite reactions? The entire fireworks industry would come to a screeching halt. Actually it would just come to a halt. The screeching wouldn’t happen because things in motion like the fireworks industry wouldn’t experience momentum nor stay in motion so nothing would resist its stopping, thus no screech. (Ha! See, I can still science!)

No, this zero degree thing has to be nipped in bud and now before it happens again. We can’t have people walking around in a temperatureless environment. Although… You need heat to make calories. If no degrees means no temperature and no temperature means no heat then no degrees equals no calories. By George, I’ve just found the perfect diet. Eat anything you want but only in zero degree weather.

Now would you look at that. Every cloud really does have a silver lining. Even those clouds in a cold, cold, zero degree (F) morning sky.

Hats Off to You!

Michael 2 Comments

Earlier today I was driving to a morning appointment, stopped at a traffic light, looked over to the car next to me, and noticed the driver was wearing a hat. That was not unusual. It was early, the sun was not yet up, and the temperature was well below freezing. Very well below freezing. A hat was a good idea. I had a hat on. Everybody was who was anybody had a hat and was wearing it. Then for some odd reason I flashed back to a time 19 years ago when I was driving my boss to the train station, we were stopped at a traffic light, she looked over to the car next to us, notice the drive was wearing a hat, and commented “I can’t trust someone who wears a hat while driving.” I didn’t understand it but I also didn’t ask for an explanation. I considered it a positive that the station was just a block away and any inquiry might have been misinterpreted as a request for conversation thus delaying the drop off. Not to mention my solitude.

If anything, I think trust should be withheld from someone who doesn’t know enough to keep his or her head covered in 20° weather. That’s in F degrees. In C degrees that would be, umm, let’s see (20-32)*5/9 = -6.6666666666666, that would be like really cold. Why wouldn’t you wear a hat? Generally in those circumstances most of the rest of your body is covered. Shoes, sock, pants, shirt, sweater, jacket, muffler, gloves, ear muffs. Yep. It’s all covered. If you’re still cold you probably aren’t wearing a hat. Put a hat on! They are also practical in cold, wet, windy, hot, sunny, or arid weather (and there aren’t many other weathers).

Hats are also very accurate predictors of intelligence. Take the average no neck who wears his baseball cap backwards in blazing sun while simultaneously frantically shielding his eyes from the sun’s blaze. Not the type you want you want procreating. Baseball hats, like all other articles of clothing known to man, woman, or undecided are intended to be worn “not backwards.” Except for baseball catchers and then only during the defensive half innings of a game.

casablancaI think hats are fine. Yes it could be construed as shallow and unduly concentrating on appearances, but in my opinion there aren’t many people whose looks couldn’t be improved by covering parts of their heads.

There just aren’t many situations when a hat could not be stylish, practical, and appropriate. That’s provided you are outside of course. Hats really don’t belong on heads inside buildings except at hockey games where one always needs a hat at hand in the event of a hat trick and where better to keep a hat on hand than on one’s head. But that’s a special exception. Otherwise, and I’m talking to you men and others identifying as men, please identify with common courtesy and undoff those chapeaux à l’intérieur.

If you are wearing a hat, and you’re not indoors unless it’s a hockey game, you have my vote of confidence and trust. (But I might have to question why you’re reading this post at a hockey game). In a word, hats are cool. So be cool. And stay warm.

 

Driving Miss Befana

Michael 1 Comment

Sometime around the middle of November the battery in my car key fob died. No biggie was my first thought. Even though I had spent years pushing a button to unlock my car I started out in the day when unlocking a vehicle meant inserting a carved metal stick into a key hole. In fact, each car had two metal sticks (keys to you), one to open the doors and trunk, one to negotiate the options on the ignition cylinder. In fact in fact, if you didn’t negotiate the cylinder all the way to “lock” but stopped at the “off” position you could get a way to working the ignition switch with just your fingers. Far out (as we were sometimes known to say).

Still, it is convenient to push that button as you approach the car and have the door unlocked at your arrival. Some actually open the doors for you. My vehicle is approaching its teen years and merely locks and unlocks on command. Oh, but wait. It also starts on demand, a welcome option on cold, winter days when I prefer to rush from front door of warm, toasty living room to front door of toasty, warm driving room. Hmm. The fob had taken on more significance.

Certainly the fob battery could be replaced. Batteries in all sorts of battery powered accessories lose their battery power every day, and every day batteries are replaced. There are retail establishments dedicated just to replacing batteries (bulbs too I hear) but apparently not key fob batteries. Certainly the fob could be replaced. And indeed a new fob for the old car could. For about 50% of the cost of a new fob that comes with a new car I could get a new fob for my old car which comes to about 150% of the current value of the old car. Oh well, I know how to work a car key as a key and the doors unlock just as well that way. One at a time but I only go in one door at a time so that still works.

keyfobThat’s when I had my epiphany! Umm, epiphany with a lower case “e” as in “ah ha!” not the upper case “E” holiday we just observed. So… when I purchased the vehicle it came with two sets of key and fob. Since there had been only one of me since the purchase date that meant there was still a fob out there with unpressed buttons and therefore, based on my limited knowledge of battery power, quite nearly a full charge (quite near fully charged?). But where?

A search back around the middle of November proved fruitless. Then, you’ll recall, I had a series of medical issues requiring several emergency room visits and outpatient procedures, the holidays were on the horizon, and a powerless key fob lost much of its clout.

To make a long story short (all together now — too late!), today while I was transforming the living room from Christmasville to regular old Winter Wonderland and was looking for an unbent paperclip in a seldom used cubby in the old roll top, I found the second key and fob set!

I knew la Befana wouldn’t let me down!

 

 

 

 

Being Glitterati

Michael 2 Comments

The dozen or so Christmas cards I’ve gotten so far are bad for my health. All but one of them is glittery. Glitter. I still shudder at glitter. (You do remember that glitter is even stronger than loofah, don’t you?)

I’m sorry, I just don’t like glitter. I willingly accept it has its places- the inside of a snow globe, the Barbie section at whatever theme park owns her rights (its rights?), strip clubs – and glitter isn’t the only reason I try to avoid those places, but it certainly doesn’t enhance them for me.

What’s become majorly disconcerting is now either due to age (apologies to optimists the world over, but no, it’s not just a number, 7 is just a number), health, or drug to maintain health, it’s not unusual for me to experience a fine tremor in my hands. Do you know what happens to a glitter gilded card when the cover of the card in all its glittery glory is scraped against the inside of the envelope while being withdrawn in a motion usually used with very fine sandpaper?

My usual mail opening spot is at the dining room table and with my newly lost manual stability my dining room table is now the perfect spot for a 21st century disco opening, for very tiny dancers.

Glitter.pngI’m not sure how I became a glitter magnet but I am. I can’t even drive past a Pat Catan’s or Michael’s without the stuff flying off the shelves, out to parking lot, through the car vent, and forever attached to me. It won’t wipe off, rub off, wash off, or as previously noted loofah off. Typically it wears off  8 to 12 weeks after bonding, so as long as I can stay out of glitter’s way on New Year’s Eve and Ground Hog Day I should be glitter free by St. Patrick’s Day and just in time for green glittered shamrock headbands.

The FDA recently issued a glitter alert. Don’t eat non-edible glitter. That’s pretty obvious yet apparently enough people eat non-edible glitter to warrant a warning. And those are people who have choices. I’m sure Hallmark isn’t using edible glitter on its greetings. I’m being glitter dusted across my eating space and not even given a choice!

So if you care for my health, when you slip my card into its envelope please scrape off the glitter. I’ll still recognize you for your sparkling addition to my holiday mood.

Don’t Wait for the Movie

Michael 2 Comments

The people at My Recipes put out their Christmas Cookie Christmas Movie pairings this week. The question why do we need to pair things notwithstanding, nor the other question why are these mostly just different shapes of sugar cookies neitherwithstanding, we really need to address, like as in once and for all dammit, is “Die Hard” a Christmas movie? Let me say, I like Die Hard. I even like its four sequels (and there aren’t a lot of people who can say that). But “Die Hard” is no more a Christmas movie even though it takes place on Christmas Eve yet was released in July, any more than “Die Hard 2” is a Christmas movie even though it also takes place on Christmas Eve yet also was released in July. Why doesn’t anybody ever argue to include “Die Hard 2” in the Christmas movie debate? You actually get more of a sense of at least winter in “Die Hard 2” than in “Die Hard” but it just hangs out there with all the other movies set at Christmas time that nobody willy-nilly-y sticks in the Christmas movie category.

For instance, when did you last hear an argument for including “The Poseidon Adventure” among Christmas movies. At least on the boat they made use of the Christmas tree. Technically “The Poseidon Adventure” and its sequel “Beyond the Poseidon Adventure” were set on New Year’s Eve and Day, but still. A Christmas Tree. As a ladder. Really. Now that’s Christmas don’t you think?

“Three Days of the Condor” didn’t have anybody climbing a Christmas tree but Good King Wenceslas and Silver Bells are unmistakable on the soundtrack. Like “Die Hard 2” it is clearly cold and snowy out there and wherever Robert Redford and Faye Dunaway go, Christmas decor is in full swing. The movie is based on the novel “Six Days of the Condor.” Nobody ever explained where those other three days went but I bet you’ll find them in somebody’s stocking hanging by the chimney with care.

The Oscar winning “The Apartment” starring Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine is so filled with Christmas images there is even a scene with people decorating their Christmas tree. So what if the plot has nothing to do with the holiday. By the “Die Hard” measuring stick, “The Apartment” decks the halls more than many modern “real” Christmas movies. If you haven’t seen this classic give yourself an early Christmas present or late Hanukkah present or whatever present getting holiday you celebrate and put a copy of this movie on your TV screen now! Spoiler alert, nobody is going to mistake Jack Lemmon’s bosses for the Wise Men.

And how can we leave “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” out of the discussion. George Lazemby’s only portrayal of the venerable Bond, James Bond portrayed him in pre-Christmas Switzerland rescuing the world from biological weapons released by 12 unsuspecting women who go home for the holiday from the villain Ernst Stavros Blofeld’s allergy treating institute. And yet nobody considers that a Christmas movie. Tsk, tsk!

GManOn the other side of the ledger, “You’ve Got Mail” and its grandmovie inspiration “The Shop Around the Corner” are probably the most Christmas centric movies that never get credit for being Christmas movies. The story of two people who cannot stand each other’s’ physical beings but are head over heels over the inner selves they anonymously reveal in letters between pen pals (in 1940) and by email (when we get to 1998) culminates on Christmas Eve with each pair expressing their love for the people they really are, not the people they thought they knew. That’s the spirit Christmas.

Proof several times over that just taking place in late December is not enough to propel a movie into the ranks of Christmas fare. Maybe if we culled the chaff we can get some movies that really do capture the spirit of Christmas back in the theaters this time of the year.

For the record, My Recipes paired “Die Hard” with Snickerdoodles. Apparently we’re going to have to begin the discussion what constitutes a Christmas cookie.