Category House and Home

Where to Bub?

Michael 7 Comments
An increasingly common topic on social media is the first place people will go once people can go someplace. Considering how much food is talked about it is not surprising that the answer often is a restaurant. I don’t think that will be the first non-essential place I want to go after weeks/months/eons.
 
I have nothing against restaurants. Some of my favorite places are restaurants. Diners specifically. With an occasional dive here and there. And not to infringe on a certain food show, one drive-in. I love a good sandwich and a better breakfast. A good sandwich breakfast is heaven on a plate. Or in a wrapper. Yes, a restaurant is a solid suggestion but just not for me.
 
Other non-essential places that get mentioned are casinos. Again a good suggestion, certainly high on the non-essential list, but not on mine. There are two casinos within an hour drive, one complete with a horse track, and another three casinos just a bit farther. I’ve been to 4 of the 5 and truth be told I have enjoyed the live races on many Saturday afternoons, but I’ve gone years between visits before, I can live with years between visits again.
 
Various stores that don’t have food get mentioned quite a bit. Furniture stores, flower shops, car dealers, and flooring specialists (perhaps somebody whose remodel had been interrupted?) have all been mentioned as places to high tail it to when released. You know I love a good dollar store and there’s an Italian market right around the corner where I would stop at at least once a week and will again when it re-opens but shopping isn’t what I’m putting at the top of the list of things to do that I can’t do now when I can do them again.
 
Sports are on a lot of people’s minds. Not spectating but playing. There are a lot of golfers, bowlers, even archers holed up and just dying to flex their muscles in some area bigger than the average living room. Likewise are gymnasiums and swimming pools high on some people’s lists. I didn’t realize just how energetic and athletic the average American is. But then, I’m not sure the average American realizes that either. I’m not. 
 
For some the first stop after being set free will be a theater, moviehouse, or concert hall. It would be nice to see a movie on a screen bigger than one that fits in my apartment but I’m not sure the first place I want to be is in a small, closed room. Speaking of small enclosures I’ll also pass on joining those whose first venture is “anywhere far from here.” Wherever that here might be, far away from it probably means travel on a plane, train, bus, or [shudder] boat. Eventually … but not top of the list for me.
 
wheredowegoOne place I haven’t seen anybody write as a candidate for the first place to go when going to places will be all the rage again is church. Church, synagogue,  temple, mosque, Stonehenge. Any site of worship. You would think anyone still alive after weeks/months/eons trapped with family, very very close friends, or ourselves and emerging still alive we would want to thank the Almighty. To be honest, as much as I would love to say I’ll be on a beeline for church as soon as the all clear is sounded, I didn’t think of that as the first place I’d go either. Maybe we aren’t as evolved as we think we are.
 
So where will I be heading when the heading can be any heading I choose? I think for as much as the conversation is starting to take root I haven’t been thinking of it. I suppose anywhere I can be closer than 6 feet away from anybody will do for me.
 
And where will you go? 
 
 
 

Cleaning Up

Michael 2 Comments
I hope there are some really clean people out in my neck of the woods. They must be because they have all the soap. Not just sanitizer and hand soap. Not just bleach and alcohol. Not just detergents and wipes. But the most critical of cleansers, body wash! Specifically, my body wash.
 
steam-300x336Years of prednisone use has thinned my skin so much that removing a bandaid usually means removing the top layer of skin with it. As a result I don’t use many bandaid but I do use a lot of moisturizers. Years ago I discovered a version of Dove body wash with a deep moisturizer that complements its cream moisturizing lotion and ever since I’ve been happy in my skin. Normally I have several containers or the stuff but I found my cupboard bare and on a recent attempt to restock all that was on the store shelf in its usual spot was dust. Not only was my cherished deep moisture version gone, so were the light moisture, sensitive skin, gentle exfoliating, and something called “cool moisture” varieties, and also missing were the store brand copies of all the ones apparently considered fit to copy including the decent copy of my deep moisture. What to do?
 
I needed something so I scanned the equally empty shelf locations of Dove’s competitors and found nothing except the odd designer wash priced to impress. (I wasn’t.) That left only one option…the men’s section.
 
I don’t know if any of you have ever tried to buy “men’s” soap. Where TV sitcoms would have you believe men typically shower with one all-purpose jug-o-clean combining soap, shampoo, conditioner, and deodorant, the reality is that the men’s toiletry section presents more options than the soft drinks and water aisle. It is possible to find a men’s soap that includes a decent moisturizer. What isn’t possible is to find a men’s body wash that isn’t scented. And they are all weird scents.
 
Men’s soaps and washes, along with the shampoos and conditioners that really do come in separate bottles, have scents not found in nature. To go along with the train of thought they have names that describe nothing. Clean. Fresh. Sport. Energizing. Invigorating. Active. Quench. Now what hell does “Quench” smell like. Actually it doesn’t matter. They all smell the same, menthol. Just different intensities of menthol.
 
It’s a good thing I keep bar soap in my socks and underwear drawer as my “men’s sachet.” It was either that or order some cedar and fir scented Spit and Polish (honest, look it up) which at least are two real things I might recognize when I smell them.
 
And don’t forget to wash your hands.
 
maxresdefault
 

In the Relentless Pursuit of Normal

Michael 2 Comments
What do table tennis, magic coffee cream, concealed carry permits, and toilet paper have in common? I don’t know but they all have starring roles in today’s post.
 
ping-pong-paddleDid you know Pennsylvania is the second largest gambling center in the United States? Nevada by far brings in the most revenue garnering a little over 25% of the American dollars legally wagered, but Pennsylvania casinos saw over 3.25 billion dollars (Billion with a B) cross the felts or fed into machines. With the state’s casinos on lockdown card players and slots junkies can scratch their itches easily enough with online betting and in severe moments of needed relief, calling the family around the dining room table and issuing Monopoly Money for impromptu quality time AKA blackjack. But what is the sports betting public to do. The online casino sites include sports betting but there are no sports to bet on. Or are there? Enter Russian table tennis. The mobile sports app associated with one of the area casino’s sports book operation reported 56% of last weekend’s bets were on the Table Tennis Cup matches in Moscow. On the other side of the state the same app operating for another casino saw 79% of the wagers on the cup matches. I couldn’t find a total dollar amount bet on table tennis but an internet search returned multiple pages of strategies and handicapping for betting on this week’s games. And you thought it was something played in garages by teenagers who couldn’t get dates to the prom. (Why yes, that is where and when I learned the game. And your point is?) And life becomes normal,  sort of, for the sports junkie gambler.
 
Who would have thought 1 cup of sugar, 1/3 cup of instant coffee crystals, and 2/3 cup of ice water would save the world? Would you? Perhaps not the world but certainly those on it used to starting their days with a $6 cup of sweet, creamy caffeinated goodness. Apparently you just toss the sugar and coffee with a splash of the water into a bowl and mix until everything it is wet, then start whisking like crazy while slowly adding the ice water and then keep on whisking for several to many minutes until light and fluffy. Those without Incredible Hulk like arms will probably want to use a stand mixer with a balloon whisk attachment. Sugar and water do not typically result in something with the consistency of whipped cream but that’s exactly what this concoction turns out like! Top your regular old black coffee with the stuff or blend a couple tablespoons of it with a generous portion of ice cubes and a bit of whole milk for a home version of otherwise expensive drive through frozen cappuccino and make your morning commute to the home office and/or dining room table almost normal.
.
MagicCoffee
.
In Pennsylvania you are required to have a concealed weapon permit to carry a gun unless you want to strap it on your hip and mosey through the streets old wild west style. By the state definition “concealed” includes transporting weapons in the car even if visible except for going to or from gun dealers, shooting ranges, or vacation homes, or to surrender the weapon at a weapons turn in location. So if you plan on ever taking that gun anywhere you better get a concealed carry permit. Permits are issued by county sherriff offices and several counties have closed their gun permit offices during The Corona Crisis. (That’s what I’m officially calling it now. If the network news can make up a name to promote impending armageddon so can I!) Anyway, the day before the the office in my county closed they issued over 200 permits to carry concealed. And it’s a good thing they did because since The Corona Crisis hit, gun sales have increased by as much as 600%. (Actually, according to the organization  Firearms Owners Against Crime, sales are up 100 to 600 percent. (Oh I hope their members are more accurate than their analytics experts.)) Why the sudden increase in gun sales and permit requests? “A lot of my friends already have it, so I kind of felt like I should get it too,” one person told a local television news reporter. And the testosterone fueled Jones Keeper Uppers are functioning just like normal. 
..
tpI was at the grocery store yesterday. That’s one of the places we are allowed to go. Grocery store, pharmacy,  medical appointments,  and out for walks or exercise as long as we maintain the now normal social distance.  That is unless you are an essential employee at an essential business in which case you can go out to get to and from there. Low and behold, there was toilet paper! Enough options that toilet paper math wasn’t out of the question. As I sauntered through the store with my freshly wiped down cart I noticed all the shelves had something on them. Well, almost all. There was milk, bread, eggs, fresh and canned meats and fish, fresh produce, frozen foods, beans, flour and other baking needs and soap, alcohol, and other cleaning products. Everything except the always unavailable hand sanitizer. And rice. Of all the different types of rice in all the different types of packages there were none to be found. All I could think was that some family is going to be awfully tired of stir fries by September. And just like that, even as the supply of toilet paper seems to be normalizing, hoarding has gotten it’s new normal.
..
Although my normal lifestyle can be confused with self-isolation and social distancing even I now get bored a little faster and miss stopping to chat with fellow walkers around the complex. I know it is not going to be in the next few weeks but I’d bet we’ll be back to our normal normal sooner than we think. At least I would bet if I knew how to use one of those mobile sports betting apps. I would also bet that as soon as the normal normal becomes normal again, six dollar frozen coffee drinks will be back to being the normal caffeine of choice on normal commutes. I’m willing to wager many of those carry permits never share pocket space with what the permit permits carrying and someday rice will again fill the rice and grains aisles but it will never replace the paper products aisle and toilet paper math for shopping fun for the whole family! (Yes, that is one of my favorite posts.)
..
Now go wash your hands!
.

Out Yinzered

Michael 3 Comments
In an area where toilet paper hoarding is legendary, folks here have taken to different shelves and sections in the stores to strip bare. 
 
There are solid psychological theories about why people choose toilet paper as their survival equipment of choice. In the Greater Pittsburgh area, land of  Yinzers*, we augment our pantries at every snowstorm with milk, bread, and toilet paper. We’ve been doing it since the big snow of 1950 when three feet of the stuff fell in less than 24 hours. After the initial shock wore off and people could get out to replenish their larders they found grocery stores fairly well stocked. The only shortages were milk and bread. People were encouraged to buy only what they needed so the thin supply could serve as many families as possible. The people responded and kept their purchase quantities reasonable but ever since when the weather brings less than ideal local travel conditions, second and third generation Yinzers flock to the stores ahead of the storm to stock up on milk and bread – and you might as well grab an extra pack of toilet paper. 
.
20200316_135415

Yinzer hoarding is so ingrained it’s even included in winter weather forecasts. (CBS Pittsburgh)

So now that the news is reporting on hoarding activities outside of Western Pennsylvania we have to up our shelf-clearing game. Here then are my personal observations.

 
Standing in the produce section of the local mega-mart, the onion and garlic bins have been decimated, even the exotic black garlic. Checking the corner cabinet I see the tomatoes and green peppers are also well picked over. It’s clearly a case of tomato sauce over prep. In a very high Italian background area, we spend our late summers putting up quarts of tomato puree and Grandma’s Sauce. Apparently the jars on the shelves in the basement are running low and in case we don’t get to put in the plants in the backyard garden this summer we better get what we need and work on new stock now.
 
Moving to the deli department, the dry sausages and meats were in short supply. In the center store tuna in pouches was nowhere to be found but bags of dried chipped beef were plentiful. Along with the vanishing dry pastas I can deduce that tuna noodle casseroles will be on many future dinner tables with pepperoni for late night snacking and jerky for an on-the-go bite during afternoon walks. I guess even the threat of extended isolation doesn’t improve the outlook for a big platter of SOS. (Personally I like chipped beef on toast. Perhaps a remnant from my army days.)
 
Over in the coffee and tea section the caffeine fiends perhaps realizing the critical need coffee drinkers exhibit have left a wide variety of blends and flavors and in imppressive quantities. Tea, loose and in bags, however were almost completely gone. Likewise hot chocolate. However, instant ice tea, lemonade, and other drink mixes were so-so. It seems everybody believes the power of a nice cup of tea will cure all ills and the hot chocolate will keep the kids quiet.
 
The frozen food freezers (redundant?) were extremely low on pizzas, ice cream, and potato products (french fries, waffle fries, hash browns, etc.). Oddly French bread style pizzas were still well stocked. That works out for me because I have a small freezer. Those big pies take up way too much space! And thank you to the ice cream hoarders for leaving a sufficient supply of blueberry cheesecake gelato, my frozen dessert of choice.
 
The poor pharmacy area didn’t have enough left to even be called a shambles. To shamble you have to have things strewn about. There was nothing to strew! Even aftershave was depleted I suppose for the alcohol content. (By the way, if you want to make your own hand sanitizer don’t use vodka. I don’t know how that started but it seems to be all over the internet. If you find yourself with some rubbing alcohol (70%) and aloe gel you can make your own hand sanitizer by mixing 9 parts alcohol to one part aloe. It will be thin but it will be the required 60+% to be effective. If you can find 90% alcohol you can use 2 parts alcohol to one part aloe.)
 
The cleaning aisles had given up anything that bears the word “bleach” on its label. This included Tide with Bleach Alternarive and other “color safe bleaches.” Hmmm. (This reminds me of something I overheard in Walmart if you don’t mind leaving the supermarket for a minute or two. “They use Dawn [dishwashing liquid] to clean those ducks. We’ll use it until we can find some hand stuff. Get a couple of the big ones.”)
I still had more shopping to do but I didn’t need anything in the baby or pet sections and I knew the bakery was going to be out of bread so I skipped that area figuring I have plenty of flour at home and yes, I can make my own if I have to.
 
I hope your shopping yields what you need even if it’s not all you want. Remember,  it’s nice to share.
 
—–
*Yinzer: One from or with roots to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and immediate surroundings. Derived from the vernacular second person plural, yinz. Although yinzers (myself included) agree that “yinz” is proper Pittsburghese for gatherings of 2 or more yinzers, it isn’t a clearly articulated word. An outsider probably will not be able to identify it when heard by the uninitiated ear. Our speech patterns involve a lot of mumbling, slurring, and elision. Strict Pittsburghese maintains a subtle difference between second person plural groups of two (closer to yunz) and groups of 3 or more (full on yinz). It’s a ‘burgh thing. If you get bored during your self quarantine and would like to read more on how we talk in “Pixburgh”, go here: How to Translate the Yinzer Vocabulary.
 

Read All About It

Michael Leave a comment
Today is Read Across America Day, and to celebrate I’m going to write less and read more. So listen up! This will be short and hopefully sweet.
 
Read Across America Day was first celebrated in 1998 to call attention to … are you ready? maybe you should be sitting down … reading in America! It is to be celebrated on the school day closest to Dr. Seuss’s birthday (Theodor Geisel, March 2).
 
Here’s the thing about Read Across America Day. You don’t have to be in school, you don’t have to be American, you don’t even have to read in rhymes. I guess that’s three things. Well, here’s a fourth. You can keep reading even after today!
 
Read to your kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews, parents, pets, or even yourself. Reading is fun and educational, and books look good on the shelf. But they look better propped open, the words shared with a friend. So go read something now that this post’s reached its end.
 
.
FB_IMG_1583157751066

Not my library. Wish it was.

 
 

The Big Data Conspiracy Theory

Michael 2 Comments
I don’t understand technology. That’s no great revelation, I’ve said that here before. I’m not even sure I know how radio works. Just because I don’t understand technology doesn’t mean I don’t use it. I’m not at all anti-technology. I stream. I go nowhere without phone, tablet, or both. I use an in-store point of sale app to grocery shop. Heck, I even have Alexa running a big chunk of my life. But I don’t know what it takes to run any of those and I am certain my lack of basic understanding of what makes the electronic world go ’round is making me a sitting duck for the newest exploiters of America’s other 99%ers.  No, not the scammers or phishers or even the identity thieves. I’m talking about the legal systematic efforts to separate us from out hard earned middle class money. That’s right, I’m a victim of Big Data. 
 
It started when I got my “cable” bill for this month. “Cable” is in “quotes” because I’m not buying “cable” as in cable TV but I am forced to use the cable company for my internet access. Yes, I said, and I mean forced. Where I live there is literally only one source of access to the internet world and that is the cable company. Although there are multiple providers in the general area, the buildings where I live are all pre-wired and restricted to one wired source and satellite dishes are not permitted. If you want cable, land phone, or internet service you get one option which I guess by definition isn’t actually an option. But I digress.
 
It started when I got my cable bill for this month. Less than a year ago I was being charged $69 a month by this proivider for both my internet and cell phone. This month that total turned into $101. Plus tax. Naturally when a bill increases 50% (okay $3 shy of 50%, so sue me for misrepresenting) I intend to look into it. Here is an actual transcript, or as close as I remember, of that call.
 
Me (after 4 minutes of pressing 4,1,3,5 to get to the right submenu, then entering my account number, phone number, and last four of social security number and listening to repeated assurances that my call is important): So even though I just entered all that you want me to tell you again my account number, phone number, and last four of my social security number? 
 
Unhelpful Service Representative: Yes, so we can verify you are who are. 
 
Me: I am, trust me. Nobody else wants to be me.
 
USR:
 
Me: Okay (and I repeat the information)
 
USR: Thank you for calling Big Data. How may I be of assistance? 
 
Me: By explaining why my bill went up. 
 
USR: Certainly, can I please have your account number?
 
Me: As far as I know it’s the same one I just gave you.
 
USR: I’m sorry sir but for your protection I must verify your account before we can proceed.
 
Me:
 
USR:
 
Me: (repeats number)
 
USR: I see you have the Super Savor with a billion gigalogs of data per billing period with upload and down load speeds guaranteed to be 100 pterodactyls and generating a force field of 30 cubits by 30 cubits by 40 cubits when Mars is in conjunction with M&Ms and our basic virus protection package.
 
Me: Ah
 
USR: I also see you are using your own router/modem, is that still accurate?
 
Me: You mean the box the wire from the wall goes to?
 
USR: Yes sir, the Analytics 1000 with multichannel green and red flashing lights pulsing in time with the bass line of “White Room” by Cream. 
 
Me: Ah
 
USR: And that includes cell service with by the gig data.
 
Me: So why did the bill go up so much? Actually, scrap that. Let’s make the question can it go back down?
 
USR: I would be happy to review your use patterns and see if we have a different package that can still serve your needs.
 
Me: Thank you.
 
USR: Let’s see how you use your data. Would you be interested in upgrading to our Premium Plan with 612 channels, 512 which are basically duplicates of each other, local news, sports, and premium content from 17 movie channels showing the same movies from 4 years ago that were never actually released to theaters?
 
Me: No, I just want internet and cell phone. 
 
USR: Then you want the Super Savor with a billion gigalogs of data per billing period with upload and down load speeds guaranteed to be 100 pterodactyls and generating a force field…
 
Me: Wait! Isn’t that what I have now?
 
USR: Yes, and whoever selected this plan for you was right on the money because I can see from your history that you have never called to complain about the speed or performance of this plan.
 
Me: Right. Perhaps there is an option with less pterodactyls?
 
USR: That would be our Jurassic Plan but it’s not available ala carte.
 
Me:
 
USR: However I could upgrade you to the Super Duper Savor which will double your download speeds for a better gaming experience at only $150 a month for first 3 months with a 17 year contract.
 
Me: I’m not game. 
 
USR: We would throw in our own Analytics 5200 modem free of charge for only $10 a month extra.
 
Me: If it’s free why is it $10 a month?
 
USR: Or we could upgrade your phone with the newest 5G equipment at only $24 additional per month for 60 months or until you upgrade to something even more expensive. You could be one of the first to experience the power of 5G when we eventually make it available. 
..
Me: Since you brought up cell phone what is the new $12 charge on my bill. I thought cell service was included.
..
USR: It is sir. The $12 is for the first gig of data.
..
Me: But the first 100 meg is free.
..
U.SR: We found that was sufficient for many people to do no more than a quick check at a map or to upload a picture or two but you couldn’t connect to anybody in a significant way so that has been phased out. Now you can stay connected with calls, texts and social media anywhere you are lucky enough to have clear service. We can switch your plan to an unlimited data plan for less than you would expect.
..
Me: Can I get just internet and cell phone for cheaper than what I’m paying for now?
..
USR: After reviewing your current and past trends and future predictions I would have to say no. But thank you for calling and remember, with Big Data, you get what you pay for!
 
Automated Voice: Thank you for calling Big Data. Please remain on the line to answer a few dozen questions about your experience today. Remember, with Big…
 
Me: (click) 
 
.
 
bigdata
 

Happy Birthday, By George!

Michael Leave a comment
how to draw birthday balloons Awesome Birthday Cake Drawing Cartoon at GetDrawings
In honor of today’s pretend holiday I slept late, had a big breakfast, and did not go to work. Just like most Mondays around here.
 
When I was working there really were no holidays. And not just the “minor” holidays.  People in health care are used to the idea that any day, any shift, is potential work time. The funny thing is, hospital administration, particularly Human Resources, are often not health care workers and try to insure everyone is treated “fairly” and should not be denied their “time with their families.” As a department head I was responsible for making sure my staff got their time off but still had all my shifts covered. Of course the problem was that as far as their families were concerned, the holidays that were celebrated as families like Thanksgiving or Christmas were celebrated on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Others like Washington’s Birthday weren’t celebrated by them either so who cared when that day off got made. And thus, the “floating holiday” was born. 
 
On one hand it made for a nice surprise sometime during the year to get a day or two off that didn’t require using sick or vacation time. On the other, when would you use it? Did you tack it on to a planned vacation picking up an extra day on the company’s dime? Did you save it for your anniversary and surprise your spouse with a day all his or hers assuming she or he could also get that day off? Did you take it to paint the living room, plant the garden, or sit at the DMV for your picture to be taken for your new driver’s license?
 
I can say with scientific certainty after years of study on the subject those who are graced with a floating holiday will most often use it to celebrate a birthday. Often their own birthdays with spa days, shopping days, drinking days, or overeating days. But just as often for a birthday in the family. A young child who didn’t get to see Mommy or Daddy on Christmas morning but here they are now on the child’s own birthday morning and staying together all day long. A parent who gave up many of his or her own birthdays and holidays to work extra shifts or second jobs to send Junior through college and watch him fulfill his dream of working with the sick now finds Junior planning a surprise party for his parent’s milestone 75th birthday. A spouse who keeps a supply of cards and candles when Hubby comes home and says “don’t forget we have that birthday party to go to tonight” comes home from work to find Hubby putting the finishing touches her birthday dinner all on his own. These were often the days people took off for their “celebrate with your family floating holiday” days. 
 
Although we often didn’t get days off to party with Martin Luther King or George Washington we got to celebrate with some pretty special people. So Happy Birthday George, and thanks for all the days you gave me and my family over the years.
.

Cleaning My Desk

Michael Leave a comment
Today is “Clean Out Your Desk Day” so I think I will. Before I get to the one in the corner I’ll clear out some of the mental clutter. I warn you right now that today’s thoughts cover politics, society, and religion so I’m sure to tick off everybody with something before you reach the end of this post. But if I missed you, please let me know in the comments section and I’ll be happy to try harder next time. 
—–
 
This morning’s news had an report of a toddler vaping. According to their release the Pennsylvania State Police received a “Snapchat-like video showing what looks like a young toddler taking a hit with the help of a woman, then the video shows the toddler sit down and take another hit. The camera then cuts to a shot of another woman laughing.” The women have been identified as high school students and the toddler is a two year old one of the girls was baby sitting for the evening. There’s just so much wrong with this. The obvious is you don’t give a baby something to smoke, vape, swallow, or inject. Then where did high school kids get vaping pens and solution since the legal age to buy vaping accessories and supplies in Pennsylvania is 21? (Yeah, I know, nobody enforces “legal age” before the fact for anything anywhere except alcohol and that often only poorly.) Last on my list but certainly just one off many more things wrong with this picture is why is it going out on social media? If there was not an audience for this type of behavior it wouldn’t be shared so blatantly. Are we are better off now than when teenagers lived in a “Leave it to Beaver” world?
..
Groundhog Day is the best holiday ever!
 
A local supermarket chain is joining the growing number of stores eliminating single use plastic bags, plastic food containers and plastic straws. A very positive step in the fight for the environment by reducing resources required to supply a disposable world and the impact on the world after their disposal. A word of caution though. Once you put a biodegradable item into a black plastic garbage bag you just threw away all your good effort. 
 
If your parents used to threaten you with no dessert until you ate your veggies don’t complain that Burger King is cooking plant burgers on the same grill as the real burgers. 
 
In the “Just Because You Can” drawer boy do I have a lot of things I bought on sale.
 
Have you seen the commercial where a guy walks away from the coffee shop register after paying for his latte with a debit card and a balloon pops up displaying “overdraft fee $35?” He opines that he wishes a bank existed that won’t keep charging him all these fees. His companion happily informed him that one does, the sponsor of that very ad they are in. Imagine that! No more annoying overdraft or any other fee – yay! Hey, I have a way to avoid overdraft fees too. Don’t spend money you don’t have! Schmuck.
 
Thank you Ricky Gervais.
 
Over the weekend Ontario officials apologized for sending a false emergency alert regarding an unspecified issue at an atomic power plant outside of Toronto. It was not the first time a government warned of impending peril that wasn’t there. Most recently in 2018 the U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security apologized when an erroneous alert was distributed in Hawaii warning of incoming missiles. Maybe the world is getting used to false alarms. In Canada, Jonathan Davies noticed Sunday’s alert while he was driving but he waited until after he picked up his Tim Hortons to check the news. “I can’t cope with much until I have my coffee,” he was quoted in an Associate Press article. 
 
Today Pope Francis tweeted (yes he does, doesn’t everybody?), “it is not enough to be knowledgeable: unless we step out of ourselves, unless we worship, we cannot not know God.” Sound advice for all religions, all societies, and all people. It’s not enough to just think, if you want to matter you have to do.
 
Finally,  an oldie but goodie:  love thy neighbor, no exceptions!
—–
Okay, I think I’m ready to work on that other desk now. Altogether now,  go clean your desks!
.
20200113_102329.jpg

Dear Santa

Michael 2 Comments
Not every year but often enough I’ve shared a letter to Santa here and that overgrown elf didn’t even have the decency even to reply with regrets. Just blew me off. I get it. I’m older than 6 and I asked for impossible things. You know the kind of stuff people ask for when they are putting their Christmas list on line – peace on earth, enough goodwill to choke a horse, and a good take out pizza at a decent price that feeds less than eight.
 
So this year I’m simplifying my requests. I’d still like peace on earth and goodwill to all people regardless of gender identification, but let’s scale back some of the top tier requests. For instance, Dear Santa, please bring me…
 
A phone book. Seriously, have you ever successfully looked up a phone number from the Internet. And forget about finding an address. I’m sure both are no problem if you’re willing to spend enough dollars. Oh yes, there are sites out there that claims to be free and indeed you can search for free. You just can’t find for free. But those of us old enough to remember phone books remember those days of being able to look up a name even if we couldn’t spell it absolutely correctly and find an address and phone number. That’s the sort of thing that is particularly handy when you are writing out Christmas cards and can’t make out if that’s 333, 338, 388, or 888 Easy St. and swear you’ll re-write clearer when you update your old fashioned address book for next year.
 
Easy open everything. I don’t mean just aspirin bottles. On everything. Everything! Seriously, whether it’s a flash drive, a chef’s knife, or a 10 foot retractable steel rule, it comes sandwiched between two pieces of plastic that are fused together and there is no “open here” corner. The only way in is to hack your way through the plastic vault with a machete or fire axe. That’s assuming you have a machete or fire axe that is not still sealed in its own packaging. And Santa, while you’re at it, how about those aspirin bottles too.
 
Television theme songs.  Because I miss them. You might think this is a silly request but if Santa was able to come up with pet rocks, Tamagotchi, and Tickle Me Elmo … well, silly is as silly does.
 
So that’s my list for this year Santa. There’s not much so I expect to get something this year. And while you’re at it, how about that reasonably priced pizza for one. Two large with 3 toppings for $5.95 is a great deal but come on, there’s just me here.
 
Thank you and Merry Christmas 
DearSanta

Laws of Nature, Naturally

Michael 1 Comment
There are only two things in life you have to do … die and pay taxes, hahahaha! How many of us have heard that tired line how many times? Actually one of those things you really don’t have to do. Are you tired of pledging a part of your income in taxes? As of last month there are 15 countries you can move to with no personal income tax*. Remember than the next time you feel the urge to complain about being gouged by the government. As for the dying part of the grand equation, well, yeah that is something you can put on your bucket list and be sure of accomplishing.
 
Don’t think though that because we’ve eliminated “paying taxes” on the things you must do list that we are down to a single item. There are the laws of nature that neither man nor beast can circumvent. That saying should go “there are only about 3,845 things you have to do” but I’ve often been accused of hyperbole so maybe not that many. But more than two.
 
For instance, you must march along with time. We cannot stop time and until we sign a treaty with the Vulcans sometime in the 23rd century and they share their vast knowledge of astrophysics we won’t be able to slingshot around the sun and go back in time either. However, thanks to the efforts of retail marketing experts we can expand time. Proof is that one day sales now routinely happen over a full weekend and a single day (Cyber Monday) can last a whole week and another (Black Friday) now takes up almost what was once an entire month. Although marketers have been improving the concept, the idea of time expansion is not new and was first developed by the United States government with the Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1975 which stretched paltry 24 hour celebrations of key historical events over 3 days eliminating those pesky workdays between weekends and an extra day off for the holidays that had the nerve to land on a Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday in certain years. 
 
An immutable law of physics is the conservation of matter which states that mass is a constant which cannot be created nor destroyed, but it can change shape or form. This is especially well documented around the holidays when the goodies on that Christmas cookie tray change from the shape of a Santa on his sleigh to the shape of your ever growing midsection. This law also governs why post New Years Resolution diets fail. You can eat all the celery you want but a pound of vegetables is still a pound and when you gobble it up that pound must be reformed into something else, most likely your waist.
 
ChristmasLights
Some things, again most noticeable during this holiday season, seem to defy this law. It is well documented that any new set of Christmas tree lights once removed from their package and placed on the tree then removed from the tree at the end of the season expands in size and never fit into the original packaging again. If matter cannot be created from where is this excess stuff transferred? I suggest you take a look at some of the most common chocolates you fill those Christmas candy dishes with. Those pound bags of colorfully wrapped Hershey’s Kisses are steadily shrinking, this year down to a trim 11 ounces. They aren’t the only ones who suffer when lights, garland, and even extension cords outgrow their storage cartons. Even the niche traditional candies are being downsized in a heroic effort to maintain the conservation of matter. The Italian delight LaFlorentine torrone is down to boxes of 7-1/2 ounces and Terry’s chocolate oranges once a proud half pound now weigh in at a hair over 6 ounces.
 
The other constant in life may be noticed only by fathers with children getting their first bikes this Christmas but is valid year round and is not gender exclusive. That is a new law of nature, the law of actual assembly time (LAAT). This applies to all toys with the back of the box fine print “some assembly required” as well as to DIY home improvement projects and with appropriate extrapolation, to luggage retrieval times at airports with more than one gate. The LAAT states to determine the actual assembly time multiply the given estimate by 3 and adjust with an additional 5% for every tool required, known as the tool locating variable. (For luggage retrieval substitute “TSA approved lock used” for “tool required.” If locks are not TSA approved actual retrieval time approaches infinity).
 
So you see there are more absolutes than death and taxes, even in The Bahamas.
—–
*Countries with no personal income tax, in case you are planning a big move sometime in the future. (You probably will notice some of these places are potential paradises while others don’t get so high a AAA travel rating. Of the most desirable places what you save on taxes may end up going to buy a quart of milk. Probably another one of those absolute laws –  The Law of You Get What You Pay For.)
 
Bahamas
Bahrain 
Brunei
Cayman Islands
Kuwait 
Maldives 
Monaco
Nauru 
Oman
Qatar
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Somalia 
United Arab Emirates 
Vanuatu 
Western Sahara