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Reality Bytes

Michael Leave a comment

Every now and then reality gets in the way.  The reality is that He of We was in the hospital for a while and although we prepped a few posts to keep things up during the convalescence, they weren’t enough.  It happens.  Now that things are a bit better we’re going to try to get back on our regular schedule.  If we don’t, you’ll figure it out.  Back to reality!

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Our job is hard!  It shouldn’t be.  Staying grounded in reality should be easy, natural, a no-brainer.  Quantum physics is hard.  Criminal defense law is hard.  Matching coupons to weekly supermarket sales is hard.  Love is hard.  Reality?  Easy as pie.  Yeah, right.

When we started this blog reality was easy.  It was everything the reality TV shows weren’t.  Since then, it’s gotten complicated.  Did you know that there is a newspaper syndicate out there that was soliciting, postings, capturing votes for, and awarding prizes for pet selfies?  Who frames the picture?  Who sets the background?  Who works the shutter for Pete’s sake!?  When “they” say pets are people too, nobody really believes them.  Do they?  Even the camera app people?

On the other hand, here is something that reality might have right although we’re not sure why in this case.  Everyone has heard the tale that we should all smile more often.  After all, it takes something like 8,647 muscles to frown and only 2 to smile.  Alright, that’s a little exaggerated but who’s going to count?  The other day, He of We was laying n bed alternating smiling and frowning trying to count muscles.  (What can we say?  He has that kind of time right now.)  After a few rings around that one the score came up that indeed there are many more muscles involved in the frowning process than in smiling.  If you really concentrate at it you can actually feel the muscles take their positions.  Why would we be built this way?  It seems that smiling is much more beneficial than frowning so why is it so much harder?

Even today’s holiday is harder than reality should be.  For 120 years Americans have been celebrating the contributions including economic achievements that laborers make to the country by celebrating Labor Day.  But each year more people end up working that day (this day).  Because it breaks the boundary between summer and fall and off time and school time, Labor Day traditionally is celebrated by sales and clearances as much as by parades and picnics.

So there you have it.  Or them.  A few ponderables about reality.  Some things to think while you’re flipping burgers, smiling at the dog next door trying to get a good picture taken, before heading to the mall to find one last good clearance on some new walking shorts.  We tell you, this job is hard, but somebody’s got to do it!

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

National Back to School Day

Michael Leave a comment

There are about 500 school districts in our state with about 3300 public schools therein. Add in the charter schools , private schools, cyber schools, religious schools…you get the idea. There are a lot of schools.

Somebody on TV – whoever (whomever?) writes the ad copy for Sonic Drive Thru – decided that we need to know that today, August 14, 2014, is National Back to School Day.  It took some checking but we have been able to tell for certain that only one of the public school districts in our state will begin instruction today, Thursday, August 14, 2014. Others started as early as August 8; one will start as late as September 10.

We think they should all start on the day after Labor Day. For this year that would be Tuesday, September 2, a perfectly acceptable day to start school. But that’s just us.

We mostly think it should be illegal to proclaim a day, any day, Back to School Day, unless you are in a position to decree such a thing! That’s right, unless you are a school principal or a district superintendent you just can’t do that. You’ll be breaking the law.

Do you really want to get into that? Are you going to sell that many more hamburgers and hot dogs if people feel summer is slipping away. Maybe hot tubs; not hot dogs. Perhaps French cut bikinis; not french fried potatoes. Possibly pooltoys; probably not pickles.

We’ll probably get a craving for fast food sometime in the future that starts today. We’ll have to find some other drive thru to satisfy that craving. Those guys obviously are putting all their buns in a basket that expires today!

That’s what we think.  Really.  How ’bout you?

You thought that was politically incorrect?

Michael 1 Comment

Over the years we’ve rarely made specific observations of those people that we might feature in our posts.  There have been many of them but we’ve always spoken to what they’ve done, not who they are.

Our first mention of a real other person came in November of 2011.  We detailed the exploits of a shopper who startled She of We by screaming across a rather large store to a companion shopper.  We mentioned the shopper was screaming in a foreign tongue but we didn’t identify it and didn’t have to.  That wasn’t the story as much as the volume and not knowing the language therefore not knowing whether the scream was because Shopper #1 found a real bargain or a raging inferno.  (See “Clean Up on Aisle Ten,” November 10, 2011)

Throughout the next three years we visited waiters and waitresses that made our day (our favorite can be found at “How would you like your toast?” August 2, 2012), engaged couples becoming married couples in various culture settings (“Weddings Gone Wild…well, sort of,” July 1, 2013), and plane-mates with oversized (!) carry-ons (“We’re On Vacation, Part 1,” September 3, 2012).

In none of these stories did we consider the featured guest’s ethnic or racial background.  It didn’t seem to matter to the story. And if you speak to most people in the world, it doesn’t matter to them either.  Oh but when it comes time to complete a survey or an application for something, those authors delve into backgrounds that would be challenged as politically incorrect if they were to speak thusly in a lunch room of a company doing business with the government.

And there seems to be no consistency to their descriptions.  They may ask the survey taker if he or she is African American, Hispanic, or White.  That gives us one in an uncertain familial background, one as cultural descriptor, and one that’s a race identifier.  What does the white South African who grew up in Chile answer?  Is someone from the Black Sea village of Poti in Georgia just as Asian American as someone who grew up in Da Nang overlooking the South China Sea?  There is no good way to answer.

Is the term White used for those one cannot readily discern an ethnic background?  European American brings us back to a non-descript description but how much difference is there between an Italian American, a French American, and a German American other than what side of the Alps are the coffee shops?  And do any of these people get to use the description if they themselves actually spent no time in the called upon country or is that only available for continents?

We think we have the best idea.  If one is living in America one gets to be an American.  If you’re living somewhere else please check with your country’s version of the ACLU for guidance, then ignore them and do what we say instead.   When you read one of our posts you can’t tell if of whom we are speaking has a particular color skin, speaks with a certain accent, or is good at making ravioli at home.   You can tell if of whom we are speaking makes us smile doing the things that race, color, or national origin can’t control.  Like asking, “How would you like your toast?”

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Feel free to ignore this greeting. Our menu options have not changed.

Michael Leave a comment

It seems to us that every time you call a bank, an insurance company, some retail store, the local ballet company, your drugstore, your spouse’s work, your work, anybody’s work, or even your kid’s school you are greeted with, “Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.”  Really?  And when was that change anyway?  We’ve been calling the same numbers for years and they all connect to the same recording that starts every call with “Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.

We don’t remember what the choices were from yesterday so how are we to know if they really did change today.  The only thing that we are sure of is that the option we really want – to speak with a human being – isn’t one of the options!  Never is.  We’re certain that it used to be.  We’re pretty sure the last choice was always, “Otherwise, please press zero or hold on for an operator.”  That one used to get you to a human.  It said so right in the description – hold on for an operator.  Now it’s code for “Press zero and we’ll hang up on you.”  And there used to be one that said, “If you are calling from a rotary phone, please hold on.”  That got you a real person also.  Did you ever hold on even though you were calling from a push button phone?  They couldn’t tell.  Could they?

We think we know what the problem is.  There are too many choices.  People are probably clogging up customer service lines with complaints about that company’s automated line saying there wasn’t a choice for their problem when there might have been.  But because there are menus within menus within still other menus, sometimes finding the right choice isn’t a reasonable option.  So we’re proposing our own universal auto-attendant menu that any company can use.

 

–Thank you for calling the First National Insurance Company of Discount Ticket Sellers and Drug Store

–If you want to check a balance, make a payment, transfer funds, request a quote, refill a prescription, get our mailing address, get our e-mail address, access your most recent statement, access older statements, buy a travel mug with our logo on it, order tickets for a sporting event, concert, live theater event, movie, ballet, upcoming auto, home, garden, flower, RV or boat show, commend an employee, or file a complaint, hang up and go to our web-site and take care of business there.  If you’re willing to do it by phone you’ll do fine with it on-line.  With the proliferation of tablets, mobile sites and apps, you don’t even need a real computer to take care of business on line.  You can stay put on your couch, access our site during the commercial, do whatever you want to do, and never miss any of your show.  If you don’t have a tablet you can use a smart phone but the screen is a little small.  Don’t complain to us if you hit a wrong virtual button on a cell phone screen.  Now really, we’re well into the twenty-first century and you don’t have a tablet?  Next you’ll claim to still have a rotary phone.

–All other callers please hold on and listen to our commercial for easy to use personal tablets.

 

There you have it.  It has only two choices and it even works with rotary phones.  And it’s guaranteed not to need changing.  Ever.  Or until somebody invents something more convenient than cell phones or personal tablets.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

Hair Today, Gone Yesterday

Michael 1 Comment

All He wanted was a haircut.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a local shop, a national chain, or a guy/gal in his/her basement with a shampoo sink and a set of clippers.  Around here, a basic men’s haircut is $29.  To a woman, that’s probably a bargain.  To a man, that’s infuriating.

He of We is always infuriated that Daughter of He can find shoes on sale for $10 and that’s before the 50% off coupon from the Sunday paper and another 20% off with the friends and family discount card everybody gets when walking through the door.  His shoes?  On the clearance table after looking for a matching pair, $85.  But the $29 haircut is more infuriating.  Here’s why.

Every shop has a price list up on the wall.  Nobody has ever figured out why.  Men’s haircuts aren’t haute coiffure.  Your basic barber/stylist when confronted with a man’s head will snip, buzz, shave, whisk, say thank you, and collect the tip.  One thing on that price list is the senior citizen discount.  That runs the $29 basic cut down to about ten bucks or the price of women’s shoes on sale.  We suppose the logic is that an old guy has less hair than a young one.  Not so.  Both Sons of She have hairlines approaching that of Mr. Clean’s and neither is yet old enough to run for president.  By a lot.  Likewise, He’s hairline has been more easily measured from the back since he was in his 20’s.  The discount should go to the one who has less hair, not more years.

Another thing that is infuriating about the $29 basic cut is that He usually just gets his hair buzzed.  At his last sitting on a barber chair the “stylist” asked how he wanted it.  “Clippers please, number two.”  After asking if He realized how short that was he pointed to the little hair he had on his head.  “Anything longer than number 2 and you won’t be taking anything off.”  She agreed, took about 5 minutes to drape the drape over him, plop a set of cutters into a razor, and set them for the requested depth.  Then she took about 2 minutes cutting his hair then popped the blades off, undraped him, handed him a mirror (which after a lifetime of haircuts he still wasn’t sure why), and stood back waiting for a tip.

So this time when He needed a haircut he walked into the same shop, was greeted by the same “stylist,” asked for the clippers set at number two, acknowledged that he knew how short that was, and was digging out her tip 7 minutes after sitting in the chair.

For $29 you should get at least enough time to talk about last night’s game.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

With Six You Get a Recording of Eggroll

Michael Leave a comment

“Why not?” the ads for Verison’s Fios ask when the requisite adorable kid wants to know why he can’t record all of the cartoons at one time and save them all to watch in whatever room he wants to.  Almost the same question that the Comcast Xfinity and Dish TV Hopper ad actors come up with before somebody voices over that they too can record 8, 12, or 15 programs at once (depending on which premium package you buy into), keeping up to 2,000 hours of recorded content (they all seem to agree on that number), with the ability to start watching in one room and finishing off in another (that’s no big deal but they all want you to believe that it is).

What none of them tell you is that all of their basic DVR package allows you to record only 2 to 4 programs at once and save a mere 50 to 90 hours.  We’d like to tell you how much the basic packages are compared to the upgraded packages but none of the sites had a clear price of the DVR service and equipment rental.  They all had disclaimers that the promotional bundled pricing of the DVR plus other services was good for 6, 12, or 24 months with a 24 month commitment and with additional activation, installation, equipment rental, and regional sports network fees.  Not all providers charged all fees but all providers charged enough fees.

Not being able to determine if we’d want any of these premium packages based on how much they cost (why would anybody want to decide on what, or if, to buy based on price?), we can pretty much say without hesitation that we don’t want any of these premium packages based on principle.  There aren’t 8, 12, or Heaven forbid 15 programs airing at the same time that we’d want to record.  We can’t imagine that it is too often when there are two programs airing at the same time worthy of a quick view let alone a recording.  And who came up with 2,000 hours of savable programming?  That’s over sixteen 2-hour movies – or 66 cartoon episodes for the requisite adorable ad kid that started this discussion.  Wouldn’t he be better off spending 2,000 hours at the neighborhood playground on the monkey bars with some friends?  It seems to be another example of “just because it can be done doesn’t mean that it should be done” except this time someone is charging the American public for the right to excess.

Perhaps that’s what is meant by the “pursuit of happiness.”  If we had to pursue 2,000 hours of quality programming to find happiness that might be a quest that’s never satisfied.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

‘Tis the Season – Summer 2014 Edition

Michael 1 Comment

Most fans concentrate on one sport but the truly fanatic fan doesn’t let something as trivial as a season stop him or her.  We are at another one of those moments when all the stars align – the sports stars – and sports season overlap is lapping all over the place.  NFL Football is starting training camps, women’s football just finished up their championship games (both leagues), arena football begins its playoffs this weekend, hockey wrapped up their development camps for minor league players a week ago, American pro soccer is in the meat of the season, and baseball is in the swing of it all (no pun intended).  And although there is no official NBA activity going on right now, the Sterling Saga more than likely will keep basketball in the papers until next season begins. What’s a fan supposed to do?

A sighting at the local mega-mart has confirmed that fanatic fans can favor them all while still making a summer fashion statement.  It was at the meat department.  The sighting that is.  And what a sight.  With the local pro baseball team ball cap, women’s football t-shirt, football team logo emblazoned shorts, and flip-flops with the hockey team logo repeated across the straps, this fan was making certain that all within sight of her knew she was an equal opportunity athletic supporter.  This one sighting with four major sports team’s apparel on center stage was curiosity piquing.  Was the foursome chosen specifically for that day’s daily wear or was it a coincidence that this lady selected four different teams’ articles?  We’re also owners of sports what-nots so the questions come back to us after going out to everyone else.  And the first question is: Why do we do that?

We’ve all seen enough films of games from the 60’s and earlier to see that people wore suits and dresses to those games.  The 70’s saw team logos and names starting to appear on hats and jackets.  It must have been in the 80’s that replica jerseys started popping up in the stadiums and became standard daily wear in the 90’s.  The new millennium brought the placement of team IDs on sweatpants, t-shirts, sweaters, hoodies, accessories like hair ribbons, sunglasses, backpacks and watches, and even flip-flops so that now every day can be a commemorative to the local sports teams.

Again, why do we do that?  Is it to impart confidence to the players?  Is it to entice others to come and cheer with us?  Is it to ridicule rivals with more bountiful selections?  Is it to feel a part of something bigger than the average fan can normally be a part of?  Whatever the reason, people seem to get their own confidence up, are usually more cheerful (particularly after a win), never let the enemy see them back down, and are happy being part of something big.  Even four times over.

We did notice on the lady fan in the supermarket that there was no attention given to the local soccer team.  Could it be that even after the World Cup and a new foothold in the US, most Americans still don’t understand soccer?  Or is it that maybe the local team isn’t particularly good yet?  We love to support our teams but we go wild supporting our winning teams!  Hmm.  Perhaps with time.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

Flaunt It

Michael Leave a comment

Some time ago the people who name cities these things named our city as one with the most courteous drivers.  Apparently the people who name cities these things did not drive on the same roads or at the same times that we are usually driving.  Those are the times that try men’s souls.  Women’s, too.

At a nearby shopping center with multiple entrances there is one entrance from a well-travelled two lane road.  When the shopping center was built that road was widened to four lanes but the additional lanes were stopped and the road returned to two lanes some 100 yards short of that entrance when approaching from the south.  The entrance is to the west which means a left turn from the south.  However, the traffic is such that is unsafe to make a left turn there so signs saying “No Left Turn” were erected.  They really do say that.  The signage has the arrow with the red circle and diagonal slash but beneath that pictogram are the actual words, “No Left Turn.”  Even so, people turn left there.  (They must have remembered Greeley’s advice, “Go west young man.  Go west.”)  But in a nod to courtesy, they signal their planned turn while waiting.  For much longer than what would have taken for the driver to have used the other entrance around the corner.  The one controlled by a traffic light.

Traffic lights present another challenge for those around drivers wanting to turn left.  Many intersections controlled by traffic lights do not have dedicated left turn commands or lead times to facilitate cross-traffic turns.  There is nothing illegal about making left turns at those intersections with the caveat being, as it is in all the states, territories, countries, and day care centers, those vehicles continuing straight through the intersection from the opposite direction will have the right of way.  Here’s where courtesy comes into play.  The driver wishing to turn left will creep into the intersection so he or she can see the progress of the signals from the cross traffic point of view.  Then when that light has spent a sufficient time on YELLOW, just before turning RED, the driver wishing to turn left, will.  It is a courteous maneuver because by turning before the cross traffic light was RED meant that the opposite light was not yet GREEN and the left turning driver did not delay the car from the opposite direction by bolting left just as its driver was going to drive straight through.  No comment regarding the two or three cars following with their own left turns.

These are just two examples of the extreme courtesy shown by and to local drivers.  We could also mention the constant lane changing on the highways around town, but almost always with the accompaniment of turn signals, thus making those NASCAR hopefuls courteous.  Usually the turn signal is the left one and that one stays on for several miles while the driver weaves left and right.  Then there is the passing on the shoulder of the exit ramp.  Here the driver switches to the right turn signal and increases his courtesy level.  By the time that car reaches the end of the ramp the driver has shifted two lanes left again and takes his or her lead monitoring the traffic light for the cross traffic yellow and the soon to be made left turn.  Yes, we could mention these.

So that must be how our city became one of the most courteous to drivers.  And shortly after (or perhaps before) the city motto was changed to, “Go Left Young Man. Go Left.”

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Michael 2 Comments

Last week He of We’s toaster didn’t.  Oh it did once, turning an English Muffin into a piece of charcoal.  What turned an English Muffin into a briquette one day couldn’t even warm bread on the days after.  It was such a good toaster for so long.  As long as you remembered to set the desired doneness at three-quarters of the way to max and then cycle your bread product through twice, it would return a piece of toast crisp and golden.  And now it’s all gone.  Actually, it’s still there on the counter pretending to be a small appliance but it’s quite gone as far as being a useful kitchen tool is concerned.

If there was a time that a toaster should stop toasting, this is it.  All of the stores that would ply small kitchen equipment are starting their Back to School Sales.  Yes, it’s only partway through July but Back to School is the sale of the season.  We suppose if they don’t start now the big Christmas sales might get pushed all the way to October and they’ll not be able to get their Thanksgiving sales started much before September thus leaving Columbus Day challenging Labor Day for the August sales.

It’s odd that toasters would be on the Back to School sale list but they are.  And they are accompanied by single serve coffee makers, smoothie makers, and the Soda Stream.  If we look at the average college student we’re going to find someone whose drink preferences include multiple cups of coffee before getting out of bed in the morning, nothing that was once a fresh fruit or vegetable, or any bubbly beverage without alcohol – hence the requirement for multiple cups of coffee before getting out of bed in the morning.  These seem to be the sort of things that wistful parents would pack for their returning collegians.  So they get bought, schlepped to campus, and then brought back in the spring.

The same goes for all the office supplies purchased and packed.  Color-coded highlighters and notebooks (the paper kind, not the mini-laptop that’s been supplanted by the tablet – the electronic kind, not the stack of bound paper) are good ideas for those who use highlighters and notebooks.  There must be at least a few.   Pens, pencils, rulers, compasses, (compi?), and hand-held calculators seem to scream “Don’t buy me.  I’m from a different era.  Use your back to school money on a new X-Box instead.”  We’re not sure that the average college student even knows how to use a stapler remover.

Back to the appliances, little refrigerators and microwaves are always on the Back to School sale lists but most schools now provide those in their dorms probably to keep the total daily campus wattage somewhere below what the local power plant produces.  But little refrigerators and microwaves are still going to be on sale so Dad can finish his bar and Mom can update the kitchen while the kids are gone.

We don’t know why toasters still make the list.  But they do.  And we’re glad of it because now he can save 15% on his new one.  And he doesn’t even have to keep a C-average to guarantee it will stay with him next year.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.

 

And to Aunt Shirley I Leave My Blog

Michael Leave a comment

The Uniform Law Commission made a monumental decision this week.  It released information to the general public letting everyone know it exists and what it does.  No, we’re just kidding!  That’s not it.  We still have no idea who belongs to this group and what they actually do.  But very recently we read that the Uniform Law Commission (ULC to its closest friends) has published legal guidelines for what to do with all of your electronic accounts once you are no longer you.  All that has to happen now for this to become law and close a gap that has been widening like a pothole on the information highway is for every state legislature to adopt it as law.

Apparently people have actually sued on-line providers for access to accounts held by deceased relatives.  On-line files at e-mail, file storage, and social media sites are being compared to records kept in vaults, safes, and shoeboxes from another era.  Banking, insurance, and ownership records are just some of the items kept in today’s on-line shoeboxes.  These are things that would be of much interest to the executor of an estate and importance to the estate.

The way the proposed law addresses the release of information is that a designated person, presumably the executor, would be able to access the files but not act on the files.  He or she could read the posts on a social media site but could not post to the site, could read the files at a cloud storage site but could not copy the files from that site, could read e-mails but not send e-mails from that account.  Does that help?  We’re not sure.  It seems that still leaves a lot of room for someone to commit identity theft.  That room might be made smaller if the law gave the designee the power of action.  We may not want someone to read every e-mail we’ve ever saved over years (nor may they want to) but we certainly want someone to purge our banking information before the bad guys get to it and clean out our accounts.

In the spirit of excess, people are already reading more than the practical applications into the proposed rules.  In reporting on the ULC’s actions, the Associated Press said “Imagine the trove of digital files…and what those files might fetch on an auction block.”  Now the AP was specifically referring to Bill Clinton and Bob Dylan and their electronic writings which would fetch an attractive sum at auction.  They might fetch even more than The Real Reality Show Blog posts will.  (Don’t you just love the use of “fetch” regarding high prices returned of sold items?  Come on fella, go fetch those millions of dollars!  But we digress.)

Do we need a law to make this happen?  Not really.  Just like you can put into your will who gets access to your safe deposit box, you can put into your will who gets access to your electronic storage areas.  It might sound funny today but in a few years it could be routine to read at the opening of a will, “And I release all my Instagram pictures to my friend John Doe,” or more likely, “And I allow full access to and disposition of accounts held at the First National Bank on-line banking service by the Executor by way of the user name and password found in the addendum to this will.”

Of course, Aunt Shirley will get control of all the posts to this blog and whatever they fetch at auction or the garage sale, whichever is greater.

Now that’s what we think. Really. How ‘bout you.