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On the Tenth Day of Christmas my True Love Gave to Me – Ten items or less, cash only.

Michael 2 Comments

Four days into the New Year. Now would be a good time to get back to normal. If you’ve been reading for a while you know that I am still in the midst of the holiday season. I won’t de-holiday until the Feast of the Epiphany, counting through all of the proverbial twelve days and marking the presentation of gifts by the Wise Men. It’s a quaint custom observed by few.

But some customs I’ll be glad to see go and the sooner the better. I would give a present a day for each of those aforementioned twelve to not have to spend 45 minutes in the checkout line at the grocery store. I can see the specialty shops being busier than normal during the holidays but for the life of me I don’t understand how an everyday, ordinary supermarket turns into Mecca between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. Where do all the people come from, why are they concentrating so intently at the produce as if they are perusing the masterpieces at the Louvre, and please tell me where do these people shop the rest of the year?

You can’t say they are there more because they need more during the holidays. That argument only works if you can say that someone who normally buys 1 pound of coffee but because there will be guests now needs 3 pounds of coffee that the someone will make three trips in to buy three one-pound containers of coffee.  You can’t say it’s because they are buying more and different things to eat over the holidays. They aren’t; they are substituting. Instead of buying a pack of chicken breast they are buying a whole turkey. Instead of stew meat they are reaching for a standing rib roast. Whether the green beans end up sautéed with onions and mushrooms or baked into a casserole with fried onions on top they are still just a pound of green beans.

Yes, I’ll be glad to see my store return to its pre-holiday emptiness with the only waiting done at checkout is for the cashier to ask how things are going this week.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Counting It Down

Michael Leave a comment

To prepare for the new year, here is my countdown.

10. Next year, try something new. If you’re really ambitious you might want to try 12 somethings. It (or they) could be anything – try a food you never had, go dancing if you never had, go to a movie if you never had. See a baseball game, read a new author, go bowling. Twelve new things over the course of a whole year. That comes to just one a month. You can do it.

9. When you think of those you encountered this year, think of them kindly. Chances are you’re either going to run across them or at least think of them again next year. It’s so much nicer to remember good stuff.

8. It is never so bad that you can’t make it worse. Regular readers will remember that as one of the sayings I’d like to see on a wall plaque, t-shirt, screen saver, or anywhere I can see it on a daily basis. I may make this my mantra for 2016, reciting it upon waking every day to remind myself to not screw things up. Again.

7. Sing in the shower.

6. Be tolerant. Nobody is ever going to be exactly the person you want. On the other hand, you’re never going to be that person for anybody else.

5. Don’t compromise. When you compromise, everybody loses. Do collaborate. When you collaborate everybody gets in on the fun!

4. Pray, meditate, contemplate, reflect, wonder.

3. Sleep late sometime, lay there and enjoy not doing almost anything. Get up early sometime, lay there and enjoy getting ready to do almost anything.

2. Don’t wait for another New Year’s Eve to plan new resolutions. Resolve to be better more than once a year.

1.Have a Happy New Year all year long!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Customer Disservice

Michael Leave a comment

Last night, actually early (VERY early) this morning, I was watching a blank TV screen in bed. It was the best thing I could get. When the screen wasn’t blank I had a message from the cable company that read “Something has gone wrong. Please unplug your box for ten seconds then plug it back in. When the signal returns, you can begin watching your show again.” Now that’s a polite message for a cable company. It was also a big fat lie.

About a month ago I had a semi-similar problem. I had to upgrade the type of set top box I had been using so I had them ship me a replacement for a self-install. Even after carefully following the directions I couldn’t get the thing to work. A call to the support center revealed that they couldn‘t get the thing to work either. But not for trying. I was on the phone with them for about 35 minutes while the technician sent a variety of reset signals, check error codes and ping-backs, and generally did what she could to correct my problem from a distance. It didn’t happen. After apologizing for her inability to get the box working and for making me wait so long, she arranged for a technician to come out the next day and replace the box with a new one. I was also issued a credit for being inconvenienced by the lack of service for a day.

Last night’s technician could have used some guidance from the previous encounter. After confirming my name, phone, address, social security number, mother’s maiden name, length of great toe on my left foot, and the winner of the Academy Award for best adapted screenplay of 1962 (To Kill a Mockingbird) she began her diagnostic check. First she told me to unplug my set top box for 10 seconds then plug it back in. As we waited for it to reset she told me that when the signal returns I could continue to watch my show. (Yes, I thought it sounded familiar also.)  Eventually the screen replayed the same message. “Well,” she said, “I’m stumped. Let’s set up a service appointment for you. Our next opening is next January 6 at 4:30.” Yes, that January 6. Sheesh. “Thank you for calling.”

Within minutes I received an e-mail confirming the appointment and noting that I will be charged a $50 service fee my next bill. I will be calling customer service later this morning.

Sheesh. Again.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

‘Twas the Day Before Christmas

Michael Leave a comment

It’s here, Christmas Eve. Why is it that to kids Christmas seems to take forever to get here but to adults Christmas is here before we know it? For both groups, Christmas is pretty much on the horizon.

There’s actually a third group. It seems the older I get, Christmas is getting to taking longer to get here again. Years ago there was a whole house to decorate, a tree in every room (yes, even THAT one), lights across the roofline, in the trees and stretched along the drive, wreaths in every window and a big one on the front of the house, toys to assemble, and gifts to wrap. And then there was the cooking and baking. No wonder Christmas was so soon upon me.

Then, little by little, light by light, cookie by cookie, things started to quiet down. Without recounting every step along the way, I’ve made it to this Christmas with three trees, two wreaths, and a partridge in a pea……..um, and one table centerpiece. (I still have all 34 nativities out but that’s the cross that I bear.) There are only a handful of presents to wrap and none of them require assembly. Baking cookies is now in my daughter‘s domain. Thus I am left with more time to enjoy Christmas movies and music, to actually see the lights out on the horizon, and to just plain anticipate the big event.

And that event is pretty special.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

It’s ____ (8 letters)

Michael 1 Comment

It’s the first day of winter, the first of summer for those of you south of the Equator. That makes it the shortest day of the year, or the longest again for those in the southern hemisphere. And that’s good news! The days are going to get longer and back to consistently warm and pleasant. Or bad news and the days will be getter shorter and colder. It’s like a tale of two cities, or worlds. And it’s all very puzzling.

And that reminds me…today is also International Crossword Puzzle Day! (How’s that for a cheesy segue?)  (Sometimes you really do get what you pay for.)

Crossword Puzzle Day, December 21, the 102nd anniversary of the first publication of what would soon become a worldwide fascination with filling in little squares on a rectangular grid based on sometimes obvious, sometimes cryptic clues in the morning paper over morning coffee sometimes wishing it was something much stronger in that cup.

Crossword puzzles are pretty universal. Everybody knows of them, almost everybody has completed at least one of them, and a whole lot of somebodies work at one or more of them just about every day. Crossword puzzles sharpen the mind, improve vocabulary, and provide bragging rights for the nerdier ones of us out here.

I had done a puzzle or two here or there usually to relieve boredom perhaps on a flight when I had forgotten a book and was tired of paging through the in-flight catalog. Then I ended up in the hospital.  When I got to the point that I was looking forward to watching The Price is Right I knew that I was in deep doodoo. That’s when my daughter downloaded a crossword puzzle app for my tablet. Since then I have acrossed and downed my way back to mental health.

I still do a puzzle a day and my mind is sharp, my vocabulary adequate, and I’m just as nerdy as always and darned proud of it. Even if I don’t know the value of today’s shopper’s showcase.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Want to work on that first crossword puzzle. To see it and read a history of crossword puzzles click here to read Tiffany Crawford’s article on the 100th Anniversary of the Crossword Puzzle in 2013 in the Vancouver Sun.
http://www.vancouversun.com/life/This+History+December+1913/9311790/story.html

 

Thinking Zebras -or- The Great Annual Christmas Catalog Shopping Guide 2015 Edition

Michael Leave a comment

Here it is, what you’ve been waiting for, the annual, official, one of a kind, nothing else like it, here for this year, the great, the yearly, the Christmas catalog shopping guide for 2015. Whew!

I’m going to have to consider changing the name of the Guide. Catalogs, although still a favorite reader for keeping on the coffee table for use during hockey intermissions, are going the way of corded telephones and VCRs. They are being usurped by their e-mail brethren and show up not once or twice a season but once or twice a day. Yet the over-riding intent is the same, to tempt you into buying the stuff that you have absolutely no idea they even made.

You don’t need me to guide you to radio controlled fishing boats, inflatable radio controlled minions, or sound activated dancing water portable speakers. No, the guide this year returns to the land of excess.

What can be more excessive than a replica Stanley Cup popcorn maker for a mere $99.99 (the popcorn maker is real, it’s the Stanley Cup that is the replica)? How about a motorized, rideable drinks cooler for a mere-er $999.95. You say you want something more sophisticated than hockey and beer? There is always the world’s largest Scrabble game. At over 7 feet by 8 feet this game will keep you on your toes – while reaching to spell a word. It can be under your tree for only $12,000, shipping extra.

The 2011 Guide featured what was then the most expensive item to appear in a catalog that appeared in my mailbox. That was the Optimal Resonance Audiophile Four-Way Three-Dimensional Soundstage Quality Speakers at an amazingly unrealistic $60,000.  Why I would get a catalog with items priced at more than I paid for my last 3 cars combined I don’t know. For some reason, I continue to get mail from that company. This year, we top that by better than half. The new official most expensive item in a holiday gift guide that was sent to me (still, why?) is at $185,000 a game. They call it a simulator but it’s an arcade game for your home, a race simulator mimicking 12 different types of race cars on a variety of track and conditions. Plan on having a 6 x 8 foot space cleared out in the family room for this gem.  You should know this “car” has manual transmission. You might want to buy a beater at the local used car lot to practice your shifting if you haven’t been in a stick lately.

About the title. If spending 30-some years working in the medical field taught me anything it was never discount the obvious. We, and probably many other professions, had a saying. When you hear hooves, think horses not zebras. One of the first holiday mailings I received this year proudly displayed this year’s hottest gift for your most precocious toddler. You know, the one for whom an ordinary rocking horse just won’t do. For that little tyke, the gift (that would be THE gift) is the hand carved rocking zebra. A steal at $9,000.

It’s Christmas. Discount the obvious.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Want to see past Christmas Catalog Gift Guides?
2014 – The Great Annual Christmas Catalog Shopping Guide
2012 – And If You Order Now
2011 – Buy the Way

 

There’s No Place Like Home

Michael Leave a comment

Last week I was somewhere I hadn’t been for about two and a half years, on a plane. I never was a very frequent flyer. I flew a few times a year for this or that but in the last couple of years at work it seemed I was in the air as much as I was behind my desk. Between July 2012 and June 2013 I got to visit airport bars from Seattle, Washington to Washington, DC. Then in July 2013 I had the first of what became six hospitalizations, 4 surgeries, and countless hours of rehab.

A couple of months ago I decided I wanted to go somewhere. It didn’t matter much where, as long as it wasn’t here. I picked between Thanksgiving and Christmas as my target travel time because I knew that as long as stayed away from the holidays themselves it isn’t a very well-travelled time of year so airports shouldn’t be terribly crowded.  I checked on the hotel points I had accumulated over the years and found I had enough for almost a week in a handful of cities that would undoubtedly be warmer than where I live. I compared those destinations with any air fare deals I could find and narrowed things down to three cities. Further checking revealed one of them was hosting a professional conference I could attend where I would find company in fellow members if I wanted and pick up some education credits toward my license which I keep active in case I ever get to working again. Win, win, win. And win.

So I dusted off the suitcase, packed up a carry on, and wondered what sort of scrutiny I was going to get going through security with my ever-present stash of medical paraphernalia. After a couple of questions regarding the purpose of said paraphernalia I stepped through the people-checker and proceeded to the gate.  From then on it was pretty anticlimactic.

The planes were loaded in the airlines’ unusual manner where Group 1 is the third of fourth group called to board, connections were made on time, hotel shuttle drivers demonstrated why they were deemed too reckless to be part of the local demolition derby circuit, hotel lobbies were much grander than the sleeping quarters, meals were overpriced, and drinks were watered down. You know, normal.

But the weather was good, the food was plentiful, the area around the hotel wasn’t too touristy (i.e. it wasn’t horribly overpriced), I felt better than I had for some time, and I couldn’t wait to get back home.

It’s nice to have a break in the routine, especially when the routine is mostly dull. But then it’s nice to get back to the routine. Even when the routine is mostly dull.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Does this sweater make me look fat?

Michael Leave a comment

You have one more week to plan for it. National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day is next Friday, December 18. Those of you in a different nation do not fret. Even though titled “National,” the Ugly Christmas Sweater Day event is celebrated the third Friday of December worldwide.

Celebrate is certainly appropriate. Only in its fifth official unofficial year it has sparked a national 5K run benefitting Save the Children and a once a year excuse to wear something comfortable to work.

I think it’s your basic tons of fun (or kilograms of cool for those metrically inclined). But this is from someone who used to wear a tux, top hat, and groundhog lapel plush to work every February 2. Wearing a brightly (and sometimes lighted) pullover to work is almost conservative dress.

What I don’t understand is why we insist on calling it an “Ugly Christmas Sweater?” They may be loudly colored, gaudily patterned, and outrageously unflattering but that doesn’t make them ugly. Indeed, ugly and Christmas are two words that just don’t go together.

Not at all. Not at all indeed.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Writing on the Walls

Michael 1 Comment

I love Christmas time. It’s the craft shows. I admit it, I’m a sucker for craft shows and craft shows multiply at Christmas time like nobody’s business while making somebody some pretty good business. Not being terribly creative I appreciate those who can make things out of the whole cloth, especially the ones who use wood. I ooh and ahh over the wreaths and the glassware, the etchings and the paintwork.  But I will always stop and read the walls on the booths of those who write wisdom on 6×24 inch planks. For on them one might almost always find the perfect philosophy to live life by.

This certainly isn’t new ground. Past posts discussed self-expression by signage (Walls O’ Wisdom, March 19, 2012) with the help of departments of motor vehicles (UNDTSAY, April 2, 2012), squeezed onto license plate frames (Mobile Philosophy, June 30, 2014) and apparelly apparent (T(-Shirt) is for Thinking, July 30, 2015). The problem is that most of what gets reduced to writing has been reduced so many times over so many years that there is little left. How many times in how many different fonts in how many different finishes can you read “A Penny Saved is a Waste of Time?”

What we need are custom mass-produced pearls of wisdom, or even a good glass knock-off. I have found some of the best worded signs at shows – “Things Haven’t Been the Same Since that House Fell on My Sister,” “Don’t Tell Me What Kind of Day to Have,” and my all-time favorite “If at First you Don‘t Succeed, Redefine Success.” Still, I think we are missing some needed enlightened encouragement or encouraging enlightenment.

Things I thought I’d appreciate on my walls might be:
<<< 120 Minutes Equals One Happy Hour >>>
<<<Is it still a gift card if you buy it for yourself?>>>
<<< You can be whatever you want to be so don’t be stupid. >>>
<<< Nothing Is So Bad That You Can’t Make It Worse >>>

Just in case you didn’t know what to get me for Christmas.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Brown is the New Gold

Michael Leave a comment

NOTE: My apologies. Obviously those of you who like brownies know that National Brownie Day is December 8, not the generic “tomorrow” stated here. This wasn’t supposed to be released until Monday, Dec. 7. (It hadn’t even been proofed don’t you know!) Even in the best of worlds, things get screwed up and I’m hardly the best in this world – or any other even. Anyway, During this time we all get way too much in our e-mails so to give you who follow the RRSB at least a little break, I’ve held back what should have been posted today until Monday, and here today is the final (and finally proof-read) version of Brown is the New Gold. And it’s only 4 days early – but you don’t need me to tell you that! Have a great weekend.

——————–

There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who like brownies and somebody else somewhere.

Pity poor Gingerbread Man. This close to Christmas, Mr. Man’s main season, and he has to follow National Brownie Day. That’s right, tomorrow is National Brownie Day but since you’re one of those who like brownies, you don’t need me to tell you that.

I don’t think anybody really knows exactly who started baking brownies. There is that cute story about the wife of the guy who owned the Palmer House in Chicago (that would be Mrs. Palmer the wife of Mr. Palmer who owned the Palmer House in Chicago) who needed a unique dessert for a women’s group (that would be Mrs. Palmer) so he (Mr. Palmer) asked the Palmer House chef to make something unique. Just like that. And just like that he did. But that was like in 1902 and there seemed to be recipes floating around for brownies since 1894 but you don’t need me to tell you that.

Of course, those early, early brownies were more like today’s blondies which had and still have no chocolate so how can they be brownies even though they use brown sugar or maybe back then molasses which is how you make brown sugar and that could be the origin of the name brownie but you don’t need me to tell you that.

The first recipes for brownies with chocolate seemed to show up sometime between 1899 and 1904 which put Mrs. Palmer’s unique dessert right in the middle of it all but of course, as one of those who do rather than the one somebody else, you don’t need me to tell you that. (Did you ever notice that even though unique is a dandy Scrabble word you never get the other tiles you need when you draw the Q?) (But I digress.)

I think that brownies are probably the universal dessert because you can make them however you like – chewy, cakey, with nuts, without nuts, with powdered sugar, with chocolate icing, with nothing at all, with whatever strikes your fancy. Or your plain. But then, you don’t need me to tell you that.

But I’ll tell you this, it doesn’t get any better than that. Happy Brownie Day!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?