Page 77 of 121

Faster Than a Speeding Steam Shovel

Michael Leave a comment

Some years ago I posted a series of tales featuring the dubious driving abilities of those who had managed to plow their vehicles into unsuspecting, immovable buildings. (Enter “Cars” and “Building” into the site search window and you’ll find those contributions.) With the exception of one follow-up a year ago I stopped such posts not because I stopped finding them in the local news but that they had become so commonplace that I feared if I continued you’d develop a less than admirable perception of drivers from my part of the country. But even that can’t stop this installment.

Among last Monday morning’s news stories which included two separate car vs building scuffles and one report of a garbage truck assailing a house in an early morning sneak attack (apparently even the driver was unaware of it at the time) was a related incident. But first, we should take a moment and explore how one directs a vehicle under his or her control into a quite stationary, often multi-storied structure.

I don’t buy the excuse of “I thought I was hitting the brakes.” The pedal configuration in automobiles has been the same for roughly 110 years. That’s longer than anybody who has run into a building has been driving. It’s longer even than anybody who has run into a building has been breathing. No, you don’t suddenly “forget” which pedal is which. I also don’t buy the excuse that “I was distracted.” Distracted driving is indeed a real thing. Many accidents and unfortunately many accidental deaths have been caused by distracted drivers. That I am not disputing. But to hit a building you must leave the roadway, climb over curbs, drive through hedgerows and/or parking meters, flush quail and other small animals often including startled, screaming human beings before striking an object with force enough to propel your vehicle through it. I might buy operator death while driving but since all of the reports that I have seen end with “the driver claimed he (or she) thought he (or she) was hitting his (or her) brakes” and/or “the driver claims to have been distracted,” death clearly has been ruled out.

So now that we’ve explored how one directs a vehicle into a non-vehicle we know no more about the mental state of these drivers than we did before said exploration other than to say they are mental.

SS1And that brings us to my latest report. A man drove his back hoe into the living room of a house. He then drove off! Fortunately (that’s how the local police chief described it, “fortunately”) the homeowner got a good description of the vehicle and officers who were on patrol nearby were able to track down the alleged operator. Fortunately (yes, “fortunately”) they had that good description and they were able to stop the correct backhoe driving down the road. It would have been quite embarrassing to stop the wrong one with pieces of picture window frame hanging from it.

Thank God he didn’t drive around to window #2!

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Put me in, Coach!

Michael Leave a comment

If you can, find a news clip of a baseball game from 1960. Although then commonplace it looks funny as all get out to see men wearing suits and hats while they root, root, rooted for the home team. Today anything goes in the stands at sporting events. There are t-shirts, sweatshirts, jerseys, hats, jackets, and don’t forget the big foam fingers. And those are just the fans that actually wear clothes. But the other day at a ball game I saw a suit of a different cut.

There in a field level seat just past the dugout was a young man in complete home team paraphernalia (and not the mascot I should add) – replica jersey, hat, glove, even those funny looking pants with the high socks. He could have been wearing spikes on his shoes for all that I was able to tell from my vantage point. I wonder what went through his mind when he was “dressing” for the game. Could it be that if the team gets into trouble he might step in as savior? Might he be in consideration for this year’s MVP award after coming out of nowhere? Quite literally, out of nowhere.

Let’s listen in to the coaching staff as we head into the 21st inning.

Bench coach: I haven’t seen such a masterful use of the entire roster since that 7-1/2 hour 23 inning marathon in New York 12 years ago.

Manager: Yeah, but we’re still tied and if I pull this pitcher I don’t have anybody left to pinch hit. If we don’t get a run in with one of the first two batters up we’re in deep doo-doo.

Bench Coach: On no we’re not. Check it out. Sitting in section 102. Third row, 4th seat from the aisle.

Manager: Yeah, he’s a natural! Hey you, number 00! Yeah you! Grab a bat and get on deck! Let’s put this thing to bed!

Peanuts

And that’s when the alarm clock went off.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

…and the living is easy

Michael Leave a comment

Today is the first day of summer. (If you are reading this south of the Equator please feel free to bookmark it and come back in six months or equally feel free to keep reading. Your choice.) I hate to sound like one of those guys who thinks everything was easier “back then” but I swear the seasons were easier back then. I seem to recall in my youth summer always starting on June 21. Now it came be as early as the 20th or as late as June 23. It’s all so precise they even narrow it down to the very minute “it” happens. 6:34 pm. This year. Oh, that’s Eastern Time. Eastern Daylight Saving Time. Like the sun is worried about an extra hour of daylight. And that’s just astrological summer. Meteorological summer started on June 1.Every year. (For those reading this on any nearby meteors.)

Anyway, today is the first day of summer so if you haven’t done your spring cleaning yet, you’re in luck. You have nine months off until you have to tackle that particular project again. Same goes for anyone not yet having a fling or putting one in your step. Don’t thank me. Thank the relentless march of time or your own procrastination. On the other hand, it’s now officially too late to take a break but at least you have made it through another season without getting the feverSummer

Now that all that stuff is off the table, what is there to do? Well summer can usher in some lovin’, you can do some saulting, or be having a hot time in the city or a lazy, hazy, crazy, day just about anywhere else. When you do you can post what you did on your summer vacation but don’t be surprised if someone doesn’t come up to you and say “I know what you did last summer” after they read it.

Whatever you do, do it now. It may feel like a long, hot summer but you only have until September 22. After that, no more hot fun in the summertime. (Unless you are reading this south of the Equator.) And please stay upbeat for the next three months. You realize there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues now don’t you?

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Sing Sing Sing Along

Michael Leave a comment

I was sorting through some old CDs and ran across an interesting one. A collection of TV Theme songs from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. I figured it stopped there because there just weren’t that many later shows that had their own themes. That’s changing. And I think that’s for the better.

There are many shows from the early days of TV that had theme songs recognizable still today – and by many who never saw the show associated with the music. Put ten people in a room and play them the theme from I Love Lucy or The Andy Griffith Show and at least 9 will be humming along. Make it The Beverly Hillbillies or Gilligan’s Island and those same nine will be singing along and probably joined by the tenth. Don’t forget the cop shows and other dramas. You might not be able to name the show but you know when you are hearing the themes from The Rockford Files, Hill Street Blues, or Rawhide (yes, the song that kept the Blues Brothers from death by flying bottles in the cowboy bar started as a TV show theme song).

Then it became fashionable to exclude the theme. Maybe composers wanted too much for a custom song that possibly may be forever be associated with a flop as well as it could be hit. Perhaps it wasn’t worth the time and money to pay for a song “off the shelf.”  More likely, it was 30 seconds that could be sold for advertising rather than use as a background to run opening credits against.

Still shows looked for some identity and found it in one or two chords. Check out the “themes” for Lost, Two Broke Girls, or the entire Law and Order franchise. Fortunately somebody saw the folly in this. Television is supposed to be entertaining and that pleasure is enhanced by a catchy tune. (I’m sure somebody somewhere sometime did research on that. If not, feel free to attribute it to me if you’re ever in a spot that needs justification for pleasure enhancement.) We’re now getting to hear some real music with our TV again. Shows like Orange is the New Black, Mike and Molly, and Modern Family have real songs again even if some are borrowed from other genre.

And once again when we’re trying to come up with contemporary trivia to occupy non-drinking time at the bar we have TV themes returning to the mix. We may have to update our references though. The most popular theme song nobody knows by its real name will soon, if not already, no longer be “Suicide is Painless” but “History is Everything.” Extra points if you can sing all three verses and the bridge.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Sandwiched In

Michael 1 Comment

Sometime over the past several years you have seen a news story, read an on-line article, or seen a magazine article on fast food advertising. Two things are always stressed in these reports – that the advertisers must use the same ingredients that the restaurant uses to make the sandwiches in the ads, and the sandwiches in the ads never look like what you get squished into that bag that you exchanged a bunch of dollar bills for.

There are always lots of excuses. They use special angles and shoot with optimal lighting. Their toppings might be a bit fresher than what the restaurants are using. And my favorite excuse, they don’t cook the food. Apparently when you cook meat it shrinks and when you wrap lettuce in aluminum foil on top of a hot sandwich it wilts. Quel surpise! Here’s an idea. How about not putting the toppings on until the sandwich is ordered? By I’m just talking to the wind.

When advertisers photograph a shirt or a blouse they have to get one from the production line for the picture. The model can be as fresh or as manipulated as you please but the product has to be what you can reasonably expect to find in the store. Why would expect the same requirements for the food we eat? But as I said, I’m just talking to the wind. Or am I?

Take a look at this. This is a sandwich from a local restaurant that has earned its reputation from its sandwiches.

20160601_165010

This particular sandwich was bought, bagged, tossed in the car, sat there while I stopped for gas, finally arrived home, plopped on the table, unwrapped, and picked up to be heartily devoured. That’s when I stopped and snapped off a shot. It probably isn’t that great of a picture because I don’t belong to the “take a picture of your food before you eat it” generation and it still looks like a pretty good sandwich to me. The funny thing about this local chain. They don’t advertise.

Imagine that picture handled by the food stylists responsible for making your McBurger look appetizing. That might be better than porn.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

 

Rant

Michael Leave a comment

I’ve started writing something witty for this post no less than 6 times. Each time I get through the first sentence and I drift into an annoying (even for me) rant about that which annoys the daylights out of me. Since it looks like I’m not going to get to right anything witty today I might as well rant along. I’ll try not to get too annoying.

It’s not mid-June, the general election is 5 months away, and attack ads for the Senate seat on the ballot have already begun. Oh joy. Imagine the next time you are applying for a job you spend your entire interview (which you force yourself into rather than waiting for the invitation) on the reasons why your competition should not get the job and never describe your qualifications for the position.

Speaking of job interviews, the newly hired school superintendent of the local school district (that pays over $210,000 a year) held his first press conference to explain some discrepancies in his resume. Of course they weren’t really discrepancies. They were merely accomplishments of his that weren’t as accomplished as he said. When they say to proof your resume most people figure they mean to look for typos, not to make sure you have proof of what you wrote.

Speaking of school superintendents, the one at a different district (one where two teachers have pled guilty and are now in jail for having sex with students and one teacher is awaiting trial for having sex with students and another teacher has been charged with witness intimidation in one of the cases of one of the teachers having sex with students) was told he had to, pending an investigation regarding all these teachers having sex with all these students, voluntarily take leave of absence with pay or the school board would be forced to involuntarily put him on leave of absence with pay. He wouldn’t so they did. With pay.

Speaking of leaves of absence with pay, a local police officer charged with using excessive force after he was caught on a security camera beating the living daylights out of a high school kid, successfully sued the city for lost overtime he probably would have earned had he not been suspended. With pay.

Speaking of pay, our state’s attorney general (who had her law license suspended but refuses to step down claiming she doesn’t need a law license to be an attorney) is being sued by her sister, the chief deputy attorney general, for sex discrimination claiming she is being paid 17 to 37 percent less than her male counterparts. If that’s true then somebody will soon be suing claiming that he or she is being paid 20 percent less than some other part.

Speaking of claims, it’s time for somebody who claims to be in charge to take charge. Please.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Now You See It

Michael Leave a comment

The older you get the fewer chances you have to say, “I never thought I’d see that.” It only makes sense that eventually you indeed will have seen everything. Fortunately mankind’s ability to invent, innovate, and improve is boundless. And thus recently, I again had the opportunity to say to myself, “Self, now you’ve seen everything.”

I was out taking a leisurely ride through the local environs when I happened down a road I had never been. This wasn’t a country road or a residential drive. It was a rather short yet well-traveled avenue but for some reason I never had a reason to use it neither to get from here to there nor to patronize any of the less than handful of businesses thereon occupied. There is a mechanic’s shop, an insurance agent, a paint store, and a florist. It was the flower shop that held me awestruck and although it wasn’t as significant say as when man walked on the moon, what I saw was up there. Well, not up there by the moon, actually not anyway at all in space. It was figuratively “up there.” Sort of. Especially if you are having a mentally slow day and can’t come up with a good phrase to end the sentence. Anyway, that flower shop (or ‘Shoppe’ as the marquee proclaimed), was breaking new retail floral ground. It has — are you ready for this? — it has — you really should be sitting down — it has — drum roll please — a drive through window!

Yes, florists are reaching the level of banks, pharmacies, beer distributors, automatic car washes, quickie oil change places, and fast food restaurants showing that thoughtfulness and gentility can also be speedy and convenient. Now you can arrive home with a bouquet of flowers, the perfect apology for whatever you did last night, without having to bear the embarrassment of actually getting out of your car and going into the supermarket floral department and/or counter. No longer do you have an excuse for not bringing your boss’s weird wife a hostess gift just because you were running late to get there for the dinner you’d rather be anywhere other than because the two of you couldn’t decide on a believable excuse for not going. (Ditto for your wife’s weird boss.) And now when you are hit with the question of what to bring for a fourth date while sitting at the red light three blocks from her house you realize your answer is just a short U-turn away.

Style, culture, elegance at the speed of pull around to the first window please. Now I’ve seen everything.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Power to the Person

Michael Leave a comment

A few posts ago I mentioned that my aging television set was aging erratically and rapidly. (See Saying What You Mean (May 16, 2016).) Actually the point of the post was the silly stuff people say when presented with being asked to review a good or service lending credence to the maxim, “It takes a professional reviewer to write a professional review.” Or at least it should. Little did I know that the gods who protect amateur reviewers would direct their wrath upon me.

What was a mere annoyance two weeks ago is now becoming a quest to make it to the annual Back to School Sale season that will undoubtedly feature that most necessary of college necessities, to wit a large screen high definition television. Those gods are probably doubly directive given that I’ve not too long ago also poked fun that those very Back to School Sales selections for whose premature appearance I now anxiously await (as evidenced in What I Did on My Summer Vacation (July 21, 2014) and Have I Got a Deal for You (August 13, 2015) respectively).

Back to the TV. As I then explained (apparently much too briefly) in mid-May how my set was taking remote control to new heights by turning itself on and off at will (or any average joe who happens to be around (sorry, I couldn’t resist)) I must append that by saying that it has wrestled control completely now not letting me even interject my will (or joe) by use of the remote control to turn it on and off at my will (or… no, not again). That’s right. I actually have to use the power button to apply or remove power. It’s downright archaic I tell you!

All this walking across the room to work that button by hand is downright exhausting! Fortunately I should only have to wait another month for this year’s sale of the century for electronics. I just hope that somewhere in the milieu of smart watches, tablets, and streaming media devices somebody actually has enough over stocked TVs to put on sale. Stay tuned. Details coming soon.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Remembering What We Remember

Michael Leave a comment

Today is Memorial Day. You can’t forget. Across America every newcast’s open, every paper’s headline, every Internet site’s banner will include an exhortation for us to remember those who gave their lives for our freedom. For the past several years I have joined them here in this blog. Please take time today to remember those who did, and please take some time to remember why they did.

Getting close to 240 years ago, 56 gentlemen met in Philadelphia and declared the United States of America free and independent and in support of that pledged “our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.” Eleven years later another group met for four months to frame the governing philosophy in the Constitution of the United States. Eight days later the first twelve amendments to the Constitution were presented. Ultimately ten would be ratified and known as the Bill of Rights. Over the next 229 years seventeen other amendments have been approved by the states.

These documents define the United States of America. It is to uphold these that every serviceman pledges his or her life to protect and defend. And in the 240 years that those ideals have been protected and defended 1,196,541 lives have been lost doing just that.

So take some time today and think of them. Then later on this week when you walk out of your house and go to your places of work and learning and worship, think of them. Then later this month when you take your vacation or plan your long weekend, think of them. And later this year when you go back to school or decorate for the holidays, think of them.

But please take some time before all that passes and read the Declaration of Independence, and the Constitution of the United States, and the Bill of Rights and understand why those lives were lost.

You might find a whole new appreciation for them. (I’ll let you decide which the antecedent is.)

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?

Fasting than a speeding bullet…

Michael Leave a comment

I got no mail yesterday. Real mail. In the mailbox mail. Brought by the guy driving the funny looking jeep. Honestly, I don’t remember when I last got no mail. There’s always some mail from some body every day. So what if most of it is from people wanting me to compare auto insurance, get a hearing aid, or use their coupon for 20% off my entire purchase. It’s still mail.

It’s still mail and it’s still a bargain. And it’s a bigger bargain than it was the last time I wrote about the US Postal Service. (See Second Class, All The Way (Nov. 10, 2014) and Neither Snow, nor rain, nor Congress, nor a Polar Vortex, etc., etc. (Jan. 9, 2014).) Since then it’s actually gone down 2 cents for first class postage. I know. I’ve actually used it quite a bit lately. On outgoing mail even. I’ve sent 10 or 12 pieces of real mail to real people so far this month. At $0.47 per, I spend a bit less than $5.00 a month on postage.

Now you’re going to say, “But e-mail is free.” Well… really? Unless you’re sponging off your parents’, children’s, or neighbor’s Wi-Fi, that e-mail is costing you something. Admittedly I’m not a big e-mailer. Over the last couple of weeks I sent about 2 dozen e-mails, let’s say 40 pieces a month. My Internet service costs me about $59/month. Or about $2 a day. A bargain in its own right but if you look at the tangible evidence of that service, my outgoing e-mails, that service costs me about $1.50 per day or $45 a month.

“But what about that service? “You ask. “Snail mail is a slow as … oh, you know while e-mail is instantaneous” So real mail it isn’t a fast as the proverbial projectile fired from a deadly weapon. Most of my correspondence gets to its recipient the next day, and almost always in 2 days. Is there anything I have to say that can’t wait a day or two?

I don’t know. I’m thinking that’s sort of a pretty cool superpower. Cheap, efficient, warm-fuzzy inducing. I think I should send more letters.

That’s what I think. Really. How ‘bout you?