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Booming Business

Michael 3 Comments
In the midst of non-essential businesses curtailing operations, the temporary closing of schools and businesses, and the actual loss of some businesses already, there are some operations that are operating and operating at full speed and then some. 
 
Grocery stores, general merchandisers, and warehouse clubs are adding personnel to clean, stock, pack, and sell. Delivery services are increasing their driving corps. States across the country are lifting reinstatement and reciprocity criteria so retired and out of state health care workers can fill needed additional positions. Cleaning services, particularly in health care facilities can use every extra body they can get behind a cleaning cart. 
 
But there is another profession nobody saw the need for six weeks ago. And frankly I’m not sure I see the need even now but they have exploded on to the scene. They are the sign language interpreters. Other than at times of natural disasters these are people nobody ever sees. And then they are only seen somewhere in the vicinity of the governor or mayor or disaster relief coordinator. If the interpreter is not close enough to be in the same camera shot as the speaker, he or she gets a special circle superimposed on the screen. Why?
 
I’m not being callous. I believe the hearing challenged deserve to be kept abreast of the important news of the day but who decided they only need to be kept so abreast during times of major calamity. Apparently that is the only time they matter. There is nobody signing the daily news. If it is important enough for the hearing public to know that the city school prom has been cancelled and there will be a porch concert this weekend, is it not be equally important that non-hearing viewers of the news get that information? Would it not actually make more sense that the weather report that forecasts the coming hurricane be signed for the hearing impaired rather than the after the fact recognition that a hurricane came by and did a lot of damage. In my experience you don’t need to be able to hear to recognize that the beachfront is closed until further notice.
 
And why are the words of only governors, mayors, or disaster relief coordinators translated. Why doesn’t the President get a sign interpreter. Before you run off with the litany of Trump jokes and “they should be glad they don’t have to hear him” comments, Mr. Obama never shared a television screen with a signer in a bubble either. You’d think the hearing challenged might be interested in an occasional State of the Union address.
 
Oh, wait a minute. You’re going to say the news and other televised events don’t need an interpreter because they are all available now with closed captioning. Then why are they at the disaster coverages? Are they not captioned also? It can’t be for the reporters who are there and not watching on telelvision, and who else but reporters are at the press briefings? Even so, that would be an extremely difficult position to put a non-hearing reporter. There are actually three common American English sign languages (American Sign Language, Pidgin Signed English, and Signing Exact English) and none is a direct translation of the spoken word. It is estimated that at best 80% of the spoken word can be accurately translated and interpreted as intended, a little over 60% is the average translation rate. Is that good enough for the news?
 
So you see, that’s why I’m not so sure that it there is such a need for the sign language interpreter. But I’m not so sure that there isn’t either. And all that is okay. At least they are out doing something, even if people aren’t sure what that is. They are out there doing their thing, providing a service, adding to the information pool.
 
And if it seems like they are there only at disasters and only when the cameras are rolling that gives them a lot in common with those they are translating. 
 
Now,
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Selfish Is…Deuxième Partie

Michael 6 Comments
Was is just 4 days ago I posted a sort of breezy, lighthearted look at our new normal? (Surely you remember the new normal way to make a frozen cappuccino at home.) Unfortunately the weekend brought us back to lots of the old normal of name calling, blame laying, and old fashioned selfishness.
 
As more and more cities, counties, and states across the US and many other countries are falling under shelter in place orders, this from the letters to the editor section of the local paper is an example of what is unfortunately becoming a common response:
 

Once again, we are sacrificing the future of the young for the sake of the old. We could, at considerably less cost, attempt to keep the economy functioning at a high level, and safeguard seniors.

People over 70, and all those at high risk, regardless of age, should be banned, not encouraged, from leaving their homes. Resources should be made readily available to them: free delivery of groceries, medicines, even alcohol. Old people love “free.” They even exercised when Silver Sneakers was introduced, so I’m sure most would go along with this in an effort to save the country.*

 
More than other comments that follow every online article about the impact of the novel corona virus this letter struck me as a particularly insensitive read. I don’t know if I should preface this with “oddly enough” but oddly enough in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania, my home county and that of the letter writer, those over 65 testing positive with COVID-19 account for only 14% of the total, and the 25-49 age group made up 45% through Sunday, March 29. Perhaps the young adults also need some risk mitigation.
 
The writer’s cut-off age interested me. How did 70 become the magic number? Is that how old his or her parents are? Or grandparents? Is that the age the letter writer thinks is the average American’s life expectancy so anybody over that is in bonus time anyway? The average life expectancy in the U.S. is 78.7 years. Pennsylvania is a little less friendly to the elder crowd with an average life expectancy of 78.3 years. Perhaps the writer knows Allegheny County is stingier still with a 77.9 year expectancy. Still that is many years from 70. Maybe the writer is willing to sit at home for 7 years and 10 months now to get a head start on … on what I’m not exactly sure. (Life expectancy data generated by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.)
 
I have to admit I smiled a little at what the letter writer must think are the greatest concerns of our senior members of society – “grocery, medicine, even alcohol.” Is that what we are considering the new necessities of life? What, no free delivery of the TV Guide or People Magazine? Perhaps he or she should pick up a Bible. Whether in Matthew or Proverbs or Deuteronomy there are plenty of references to man not living by bread alone. Are the septuagenarians and older never to be allowed to worship as they wish? I suppose we dispense with their freedom of religion, not to mention that of speech and assembly. We will give them plenty of freedom of fear though. Oh, it’s supposed to be freedom FROM fear. My mistake. But hey, you gotta love that “even alcohol” tucked in at the end of the writers list of necessities. “With alcohol all things are possible” is the new battle cry, right after “wash your hands” or maybe “drink heavily and lick your hands.” I’m wondering if that might a window into our writer’s personal wish list of essential items he or she is having difficulty securing during our time of sheltering in place. The virtual happy hour is not so happy when you all you have left is the company and conversation. 
 
But then the writer wants to take away company and conversation. He or she wants the oldest Americans “banned, not encouraged from leaving their homes.” Although the CDC is in fact encouraging seniors and those most vulnerable to remain indoors as much as possible, all health experts agree that isolation is itself a deterrent to healthy living. Valtorta and Hanratty* conclude “Lonely or isolated older adults are at greater risk for all-cause mortality,” and “The effect [of loneliness or isolation] is greater than that of other well-established risk factors for mortality such as physical inactivity and obesity, and comparable with cigarette smoking.” Clearly this is why among the list of permitted out of home activities (grocery shopping, medical appointments, and such) exercise is included.
 
The writer also seems a little confused about the cost of “free.” He or she singles out the Silver Sneakers program which is most often identified as a Medicare Advantage plan additional benefit available to Medicare recipients at age 65. I wonder if the writer realizes Medicare is not free. Even those plans on TV advertised as “zero premium” plans aren’t zero dollars. Those advertised premiums are in addition to the basic premium the government charges seniors. Medicare premium payments are withdrawn every month from the Social Security payment. In those odd instances when an individual receives Medicare but is not drawing Social Security benefits, a bill for direct payment is sent. (Something to keep in mind if Medicare for All mimics the current Medicare program. Free it isn’t.)
 
I’m most distressed over the assumption that we are “sacrificing the future of the young for the sake of the old.” What happened to “30 is the new 20,” “40 is the new 30,” “60 is the new 40?” There is no old, at least according the merchandisers there isn’t. Or wasn’t. “At what age do you begin to not care?” the cosmetics company asks. I suppose we should be asking, “at what age do you begin to not care about?” Considering that the 25 to 49 year olds are responsible for nearly half of the identified positive cases in the county should the under 18 group with less than 2% of all positive results be asking that largest group of infected individuals to be sequestered so the truly young’s future is not sacrificed for the sake of that of those older, even if those older aren’t what we might consider old? You know, geese and ganders and all that.
 
Over a spring weekend that saw nature act as normal bringing 17 tornadoes to the middle of America we need to stop following our own natural instincts and be better than normal. We need also to be nice. I could have been nicer myself and not used a few hundred words to disparage somebody’s Freedom of Speech. I’m sorry I wasn’t as nice as I want others to be. I’ll do my best not to let it happen again. Just not today. 
 
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* This is the complete, unedited letter, “Keep Seniors Home,” to the editor, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, March 30, 2020. 
 
**Valtorta N, Hanratty B. Loneliness, isolation and the health of older adults: do we need a new research agenda?. J R Soc Med. 2012;105(12):518–522. doi:10.1258/jrsm.2012.120128
 

In the Relentless Pursuit of Normal

Michael 2 Comments
What do table tennis, magic coffee cream, concealed carry permits, and toilet paper have in common? I don’t know but they all have starring roles in today’s post.
 
ping-pong-paddleDid you know Pennsylvania is the second largest gambling center in the United States? Nevada by far brings in the most revenue garnering a little over 25% of the American dollars legally wagered, but Pennsylvania casinos saw over 3.25 billion dollars (Billion with a B) cross the felts or fed into machines. With the state’s casinos on lockdown card players and slots junkies can scratch their itches easily enough with online betting and in severe moments of needed relief, calling the family around the dining room table and issuing Monopoly Money for impromptu quality time AKA blackjack. But what is the sports betting public to do. The online casino sites include sports betting but there are no sports to bet on. Or are there? Enter Russian table tennis. The mobile sports app associated with one of the area casino’s sports book operation reported 56% of last weekend’s bets were on the Table Tennis Cup matches in Moscow. On the other side of the state the same app operating for another casino saw 79% of the wagers on the cup matches. I couldn’t find a total dollar amount bet on table tennis but an internet search returned multiple pages of strategies and handicapping for betting on this week’s games. And you thought it was something played in garages by teenagers who couldn’t get dates to the prom. (Why yes, that is where and when I learned the game. And your point is?) And life becomes normal,  sort of, for the sports junkie gambler.
 
Who would have thought 1 cup of sugar, 1/3 cup of instant coffee crystals, and 2/3 cup of ice water would save the world? Would you? Perhaps not the world but certainly those on it used to starting their days with a $6 cup of sweet, creamy caffeinated goodness. Apparently you just toss the sugar and coffee with a splash of the water into a bowl and mix until everything it is wet, then start whisking like crazy while slowly adding the ice water and then keep on whisking for several to many minutes until light and fluffy. Those without Incredible Hulk like arms will probably want to use a stand mixer with a balloon whisk attachment. Sugar and water do not typically result in something with the consistency of whipped cream but that’s exactly what this concoction turns out like! Top your regular old black coffee with the stuff or blend a couple tablespoons of it with a generous portion of ice cubes and a bit of whole milk for a home version of otherwise expensive drive through frozen cappuccino and make your morning commute to the home office and/or dining room table almost normal.
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MagicCoffee
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In Pennsylvania you are required to have a concealed weapon permit to carry a gun unless you want to strap it on your hip and mosey through the streets old wild west style. By the state definition “concealed” includes transporting weapons in the car even if visible except for going to or from gun dealers, shooting ranges, or vacation homes, or to surrender the weapon at a weapons turn in location. So if you plan on ever taking that gun anywhere you better get a concealed carry permit. Permits are issued by county sherriff offices and several counties have closed their gun permit offices during The Corona Crisis. (That’s what I’m officially calling it now. If the network news can make up a name to promote impending armageddon so can I!) Anyway, the day before the the office in my county closed they issued over 200 permits to carry concealed. And it’s a good thing they did because since The Corona Crisis hit, gun sales have increased by as much as 600%. (Actually, according to the organization  Firearms Owners Against Crime, sales are up 100 to 600 percent. (Oh I hope their members are more accurate than their analytics experts.)) Why the sudden increase in gun sales and permit requests? “A lot of my friends already have it, so I kind of felt like I should get it too,” one person told a local television news reporter. And the testosterone fueled Jones Keeper Uppers are functioning just like normal. 
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tpI was at the grocery store yesterday. That’s one of the places we are allowed to go. Grocery store, pharmacy,  medical appointments,  and out for walks or exercise as long as we maintain the now normal social distance.  That is unless you are an essential employee at an essential business in which case you can go out to get to and from there. Low and behold, there was toilet paper! Enough options that toilet paper math wasn’t out of the question. As I sauntered through the store with my freshly wiped down cart I noticed all the shelves had something on them. Well, almost all. There was milk, bread, eggs, fresh and canned meats and fish, fresh produce, frozen foods, beans, flour and other baking needs and soap, alcohol, and other cleaning products. Everything except the always unavailable hand sanitizer. And rice. Of all the different types of rice in all the different types of packages there were none to be found. All I could think was that some family is going to be awfully tired of stir fries by September. And just like that, even as the supply of toilet paper seems to be normalizing, hoarding has gotten it’s new normal.
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Although my normal lifestyle can be confused with self-isolation and social distancing even I now get bored a little faster and miss stopping to chat with fellow walkers around the complex. I know it is not going to be in the next few weeks but I’d bet we’ll be back to our normal normal sooner than we think. At least I would bet if I knew how to use one of those mobile sports betting apps. I would also bet that as soon as the normal normal becomes normal again, six dollar frozen coffee drinks will be back to being the normal caffeine of choice on normal commutes. I’m willing to wager many of those carry permits never share pocket space with what the permit permits carrying and someday rice will again fill the rice and grains aisles but it will never replace the paper products aisle and toilet paper math for shopping fun for the whole family! (Yes, that is one of my favorite posts.)
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Now go wash your hands!
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And now for some good news…

Michael 5 Comments
We interrupt today’s wailing and gnashing of teeth to bring you some good news.  Naturally there is a lead in.
 
I was sitting around on Saturday thinking of all the places I’d most not want to be. This is unusual because for the most part I think of the places I’d most want to be. Usually it involves water, sand, palm trees, a boat, and female companionship. Specific female companionship if you must be that nosey (or nebby as we would say here). But last Saturday the thought was of the least desirable place, even with the right companionship. Not surprisingly, the place I’d least like to have been on Saturday would be a dialysis clinic.
 
Let’s think about that for a minute, then we will move on to the news. My county as many other cities, counties, states, and countries, now has a shelter in place order. The rule is pretty simple, don’t go out unless staying in endangers your life. And don’t go anywhere if you are experiencing symptoms. For the everyday ordinary dialysis patient (or more appropriately the every other day ordinary dialysis patient) it’s a no brainer that staying in is more hazardous than going to the clinic. And the everyday ordinary dialysis clinic staffer needs no fewer brain cells to also conclude that staying home endangers lives. But it’s the second part that is difficult to reconcile. No matter how you might be feeling, that trip is one of life sustainability. You can’t get somebody to pick it up for you while they are at the store.
 
I was in a good place to think the last place I’d want to be is at a dialysis clinic, the extreme dedication of the staff and their love of their mission to serve a population defining the area between a rock and a hard place notwithstanding. I was in a good place because I was in my own livingroom recliner rather than the one I spent so many Saturdays in at the clinic. 
 
Yes, no dialysis. Okay, if you’ve been following along with me over the years you have a right to be confused. The last thing I wrote about my kidney health was that the transplant last summer did not take and I was back on dialysis. By the way, after still more scans and tests they are no closer at determining why the transplanted kidney clotted so rapidly and completely. But what they had noticed last fall was that my renal function lab tests were stabilizing. Then new questions arose. Everybody’s tests go up and down as function fluctuates, particularly in a patient like me whose renal dysfunction is induced by factors elsewhere in the body. But these were not fluctuating. They were improving. Steadily. 
 
Adjustments in treatment were made, ultimately pared down to only 2 three hour treatments per week, fully half of what a weekly treatment total had been not too long ago. Weeks went by and weekly labs continued to return surprisingly encouraging results. On January 23 I left the nephrologist’s office a free man, well perhaps more a dialysis parolee ordered weekly outpatient lab test and every other week appointments with a call-in on the off weeks. Last week after nearly two month of that routine I was given a appointment three months in the future. I had stabilized! At least for the near future. At that point I thought comfortable enough to tell somebody other than my daughter and sisters and you guys get elected.
 
There is no good reason that kidney function should improve. It’s not unheard of but it is rarer than correctly picking all five numbers plus the white ball. I’m crediting my reprieve to Someone Up There showing a particular kindness to me and expending a miracle on that.
 
I feel particularly grateful, the break coming at a time when going to dialysis could be just as life threatening as life preserving, and pray that the patients and staff at clinics around the world will be safe and free of all complications, even those not COVID-19 related. 
 
And I know now I have to figure out why me and what I am to do with this unexpected opportunity. Sitting around thinking of the places I’d rather not be is not it. I’ll keep you posted.
 
Now go wash your hands!
 
Happy

Don’t worry, be happy!

Selfish Is as Selfish Does

Michael 4 Comments
I was hoping to spend the remainder of our self isolation distributing nothing but good news and mad, happy thoughts. Sorry but I just can’t. Well, I suppose I could but I suppose I would also explode by keeping too much in. And so…look out world…
Just what the [bleep]ing [bleep] are you [bleep]ing thinking you crazy [bleep] [bleep] for brains you [bleep]ing idiots you! 
 
No, no, not you. All those other you. The idiots you.
 
I know every year we have to come up with new words that the vast majority of people who use them have no clue what they mean. For Exhibit One I submit “xenophobe.” You would think this year’s entry, “social distancing,” wouldn’t create such confusion. Okay, I understand it’s actually two words but they are both pretty basic, or pretty [bleep]ing basic if you really want to capture my true thoughts on the subject. 
 
Social: among people, not unlike social media. You recognize that don’t you? Again, not you. That other you.
 
Distance: Space, room, like when you (once more the idiots you) when you want some space, man.
 
I’m sure there are a lot of the you who are doing your part, but the few other you are making me sick. Hopefully not any sicker than I already am.
 
Some examples:
 
Last week Pittsburgh cancelled its St. Patrick’s Day parade scheduled for Saturday March 14 to protect the public. At the time a ban on dine in/drink in seating (or standing) at restaurants and bars had not gone into effect. Of course people were encouraged not to congregate in crowds larger than 250. (Again, that was at the time. Since then the recommendation had been dropped to 150, then 50, now 10, all over the course of 4 days.) Of course people ignored that. The bars sure did their part, one stating they weren’t letting more than 150 in the space that typically holds 340. Yay! Took real restraint to pull that off. Naturally those refused admittance just queued up outside. One reveler explained to a reporter, “I’ll live my life, I’ll do my thing and then address it if I have to.” In related news, no long lines of people waiting to pay homage to the good saint were reported outside any churches on the actual St. Patrick’s Day, which contrary to popular belief is not always the second Saturday in March. 
 
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Sorry, you can’t go in yet. We’re practicing Social Distancing in there.

An Allegheny County (Pennsylvania) sheriff reported to work not feeling very well. According to reports his son’s girlfriend just returned from Spain and tested presumptive positive for COVID-19. The Chief Deputy said the deputy who was experiencing symptoms “had concerns based on reported symptoms, and he made the decision to come to work.” The deputy interacted with 15 other deputies before he reported his symptoms to a supervisor who instructed all 16 to return home and self-isolate. 
 
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Somebody didn’t get the memo. Be the match. Don’t get burned.

Several states still waiting primary election days have postponed, rescheduled, or are considering rescheduling elections or encouraging voting by mail ballots. Several organizations have protested such actions going so far as to file suits and request injunctions to halt any actions that delay voting. No individuals have entered such action, only groups claiming to be protecting Americans’ rights. I suppose protecting Americans right goes to some other groups.
 
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Protecting Americans right!

Please, let me get back to sharing happy madcap adventures and the occasional report on my health that hopefully won’t get any weirder in the next 14 days.
 
Be well, stay safe, and don’t forget to wash your hands.
 
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Be like me

 
 
 

Out Yinzered

Michael 3 Comments
In an area where toilet paper hoarding is legendary, folks here have taken to different shelves and sections in the stores to strip bare. 
 
There are solid psychological theories about why people choose toilet paper as their survival equipment of choice. In the Greater Pittsburgh area, land of  Yinzers*, we augment our pantries at every snowstorm with milk, bread, and toilet paper. We’ve been doing it since the big snow of 1950 when three feet of the stuff fell in less than 24 hours. After the initial shock wore off and people could get out to replenish their larders they found grocery stores fairly well stocked. The only shortages were milk and bread. People were encouraged to buy only what they needed so the thin supply could serve as many families as possible. The people responded and kept their purchase quantities reasonable but ever since when the weather brings less than ideal local travel conditions, second and third generation Yinzers flock to the stores ahead of the storm to stock up on milk and bread – and you might as well grab an extra pack of toilet paper. 
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Yinzer hoarding is so ingrained it’s even included in winter weather forecasts. (CBS Pittsburgh)

So now that the news is reporting on hoarding activities outside of Western Pennsylvania we have to up our shelf-clearing game. Here then are my personal observations.

 
Standing in the produce section of the local mega-mart, the onion and garlic bins have been decimated, even the exotic black garlic. Checking the corner cabinet I see the tomatoes and green peppers are also well picked over. It’s clearly a case of tomato sauce over prep. In a very high Italian background area, we spend our late summers putting up quarts of tomato puree and Grandma’s Sauce. Apparently the jars on the shelves in the basement are running low and in case we don’t get to put in the plants in the backyard garden this summer we better get what we need and work on new stock now.
 
Moving to the deli department, the dry sausages and meats were in short supply. In the center store tuna in pouches was nowhere to be found but bags of dried chipped beef were plentiful. Along with the vanishing dry pastas I can deduce that tuna noodle casseroles will be on many future dinner tables with pepperoni for late night snacking and jerky for an on-the-go bite during afternoon walks. I guess even the threat of extended isolation doesn’t improve the outlook for a big platter of SOS. (Personally I like chipped beef on toast. Perhaps a remnant from my army days.)
 
Over in the coffee and tea section the caffeine fiends perhaps realizing the critical need coffee drinkers exhibit have left a wide variety of blends and flavors and in imppressive quantities. Tea, loose and in bags, however were almost completely gone. Likewise hot chocolate. However, instant ice tea, lemonade, and other drink mixes were so-so. It seems everybody believes the power of a nice cup of tea will cure all ills and the hot chocolate will keep the kids quiet.
 
The frozen food freezers (redundant?) were extremely low on pizzas, ice cream, and potato products (french fries, waffle fries, hash browns, etc.). Oddly French bread style pizzas were still well stocked. That works out for me because I have a small freezer. Those big pies take up way too much space! And thank you to the ice cream hoarders for leaving a sufficient supply of blueberry cheesecake gelato, my frozen dessert of choice.
 
The poor pharmacy area didn’t have enough left to even be called a shambles. To shamble you have to have things strewn about. There was nothing to strew! Even aftershave was depleted I suppose for the alcohol content. (By the way, if you want to make your own hand sanitizer don’t use vodka. I don’t know how that started but it seems to be all over the internet. If you find yourself with some rubbing alcohol (70%) and aloe gel you can make your own hand sanitizer by mixing 9 parts alcohol to one part aloe. It will be thin but it will be the required 60+% to be effective. If you can find 90% alcohol you can use 2 parts alcohol to one part aloe.)
 
The cleaning aisles had given up anything that bears the word “bleach” on its label. This included Tide with Bleach Alternarive and other “color safe bleaches.” Hmmm. (This reminds me of something I overheard in Walmart if you don’t mind leaving the supermarket for a minute or two. “They use Dawn [dishwashing liquid] to clean those ducks. We’ll use it until we can find some hand stuff. Get a couple of the big ones.”)
I still had more shopping to do but I didn’t need anything in the baby or pet sections and I knew the bakery was going to be out of bread so I skipped that area figuring I have plenty of flour at home and yes, I can make my own if I have to.
 
I hope your shopping yields what you need even if it’s not all you want. Remember,  it’s nice to share.
 
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*Yinzer: One from or with roots to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and immediate surroundings. Derived from the vernacular second person plural, yinz. Although yinzers (myself included) agree that “yinz” is proper Pittsburghese for gatherings of 2 or more yinzers, it isn’t a clearly articulated word. An outsider probably will not be able to identify it when heard by the uninitiated ear. Our speech patterns involve a lot of mumbling, slurring, and elision. Strict Pittsburghese maintains a subtle difference between second person plural groups of two (closer to yunz) and groups of 3 or more (full on yinz). It’s a ‘burgh thing. If you get bored during your self quarantine and would like to read more on how we talk in “Pixburgh”, go here: How to Translate the Yinzer Vocabulary.
 

One more time, with feeling

Michael 2 Comments
I’ve been missing. Ever since the middle of last week I haven’t been all there. Or all here. Depends on your point of view I suppose. By Friday I ended up in the emergency room. Nothing horrible but with my history and the ever present compromised immune system, things that aren’t horrible for many others usually get a “go to the ER” response when I call the doctor to see if there are any open times in the day’s schedule that I might get squeezed into. So off to the ER I went and from there off to an inpatient unit were I relished in playing with all the buttons on the bed making it go up and down at the push of … well, a button. 
 
For all the complaints health care takes in general, the system we’ve put together is pretty remarkable. I might be biased having worked in the system for longer than some lifetimes but I’m still impressed when I have to put on my patient hat. Or more appropriately, my patient gown. And yes, there is still nothing appropriate about those! Even an unbiased user will see more good done by American health providers than what the lawyers advertising on daytime television would have you think. I’ll put on my jade colored glasses and wager that as you are reading this there is a personal injury law firm somewhere in America readying suits claiming injury because some organization had a better test, a treatment, a vaccine, or all the above to combat covid-19 but put profits ahead of patients.
 
I can’t help with any of that. I do not have reassuring words for those concerned about the pandemic and have only prayers to offer for anyone who lost a love or has a family member or even him or herself suffering from a corona virus induced illness.
 
What I can offer is the personal observations of someone who has been chemically immunosuppressed for twenty years and for whom handwashing and social distancing is a way of life. 
 
The chance of infection from any virus spread by touch will be minimized by minimizing touching where the virus may reside. Since you cannot see a virus assume anything you touch is contaminated. You have heard it ad infinitum but one more time won’t hurt. Wash your hands. Sure go ahead and sing happy birthday if you want but if you scrub them well and get between each finger and up to your wrist, you will take at least 20 seconds doing that. If you think you’ve washed them enough today, you haven’t. Do it again. If you can’t wash your hands, use a hand sanitizer with at least 60% alcohol. Then as soon as you can, wash them again with soap and water. Before you touch your face pretend you just ate a rack of barbecued ribs and have to take our your contacts. 
 
When possible, stay out of crowds, wipe down surfaces like supermarket shopping carts with available cleaning wipes. Rooms you typically clean weekly, clean daily, things you typically clean seasonally clean weekly, anything you haven’t cleaned yet this year, clean!  Opt to order from the menu rather than choosing the buffet, and there is no “five second rule.” If it’s not on a plate, don’t eat it! 
 
Do not buy up all the masks at the store if any are even left. They will not help you not get the virus because it isn’t terribly active while airborne. By taking all the masks out of circulation for people who need them like recent organ transplant recipients or severely immunosuppressed individuals who need them as a matter of everyday precautions, scary novel viruses notwithstanding.
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The best thing you can do if you aren’t feeling well is to stay home. This is not to say that everybody who doesn’t feel well is infected with the corona virus. Any illness is going to make you more susceptible to any other virus and you become a greater threat to anybody who is immunocompromised.
 
You have heard the symptoms are similar to flu symptoms. Flu symptoms are similar to bronchitis which is similar to pneumonia and so and so on. To help you determine that you don’t have covid-19 but may be looking at an oncoming cold I’ve put together a quickie comparison of the most common upper respiratory conditions. 
 
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Always consult your physician for diagnosis and appropriate treatment

Please remember this is not a diagnostic tool. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms call you doctor. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see him or her in the office. If you aren’t, I’m in room 428.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Read All About It

Michael Leave a comment
Today is Read Across America Day, and to celebrate I’m going to write less and read more. So listen up! This will be short and hopefully sweet.
 
Read Across America Day was first celebrated in 1998 to call attention to … are you ready? maybe you should be sitting down … reading in America! It is to be celebrated on the school day closest to Dr. Seuss’s birthday (Theodor Geisel, March 2).
 
Here’s the thing about Read Across America Day. You don’t have to be in school, you don’t have to be American, you don’t even have to read in rhymes. I guess that’s three things. Well, here’s a fourth. You can keep reading even after today!
 
Read to your kids, grandkids, nieces and nephews, parents, pets, or even yourself. Reading is fun and educational, and books look good on the shelf. But they look better propped open, the words shared with a friend. So go read something now that this post’s reached its end.
 
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Not my library. Wish it was.

 
 

Extra! Extra!

Michael 3 Comments
What are your plans for Saturday? You remember Saturday? February 29, our quadrennial reminder that in the struggle between man and nature man is lucky to struggle into second place.
 
We (that’s the big “we” and that means you too), we so arrogantly preen and posture and spends oh so much energy saving the planet for future generations that we completely miss that we know so little about our planet.  We can’t even tell how long it takes to get around the sun.
 
Years, months, days, hours, minutes. All man made methods of marking time. We (the big “we”) came up with these. They weren’t forced upon us. We defined them as we chose. Can you hear the discussion? “I know, let’s make a ‘year’ our standard.” Great! What’s that? “The length of time it takes to go around the sun.” Wonderful! How long is that? “Heck if I know.” And in the true sense of being human in a world where being human was seemingly an afterthought, and an arrogant one at that, we picked 365 days. ish. Hmm. What’s a day? 
 
And so, because somebody didn’t take the time to measure twice, declare once, we get an extra day every 4 years. ish. Every couple of years, nothing specific mind you, an extra second gets added in order for man to keep up with nature and the natural order of things. Somebody decides when to insert these “leap seconds” by probably following some multi-page calculation harkening as many laws of physics as possible in a single formula. Probably the same people deride poor Punxsutawney Phil as an inaccurate teller of things to come. 
 
We absolutely must do our best to preserve the resources nature let’s us borrow, but we should also take heed that we are not in charge. Long before the first underarm deodorant was sprayed the glaciers began receding to carve out the Great Lakes and the Liddar Valley. Long before the first well was drilled the great land mass began separating into a handful of continental chunks. It’s not done. Long after man leaves Earth nature will continue its ongoing process of global renewal. 
 
It’s good we screwed up measuring time. Now at least once every four years we get to remind ourselves that we aren’t all that after all. To be honest, I’m surprised somebody hasn’t worked in a drinking holiday or appliance sale around Leap Day. I suppose it’s only a matter of time.
 
 
Feb29
 
 

The Big Data Conspiracy Theory

Michael 2 Comments
I don’t understand technology. That’s no great revelation, I’ve said that here before. I’m not even sure I know how radio works. Just because I don’t understand technology doesn’t mean I don’t use it. I’m not at all anti-technology. I stream. I go nowhere without phone, tablet, or both. I use an in-store point of sale app to grocery shop. Heck, I even have Alexa running a big chunk of my life. But I don’t know what it takes to run any of those and I am certain my lack of basic understanding of what makes the electronic world go ’round is making me a sitting duck for the newest exploiters of America’s other 99%ers.  No, not the scammers or phishers or even the identity thieves. I’m talking about the legal systematic efforts to separate us from out hard earned middle class money. That’s right, I’m a victim of Big Data. 
 
It started when I got my “cable” bill for this month. “Cable” is in “quotes” because I’m not buying “cable” as in cable TV but I am forced to use the cable company for my internet access. Yes, I said, and I mean forced. Where I live there is literally only one source of access to the internet world and that is the cable company. Although there are multiple providers in the general area, the buildings where I live are all pre-wired and restricted to one wired source and satellite dishes are not permitted. If you want cable, land phone, or internet service you get one option which I guess by definition isn’t actually an option. But I digress.
 
It started when I got my cable bill for this month. Less than a year ago I was being charged $69 a month by this proivider for both my internet and cell phone. This month that total turned into $101. Plus tax. Naturally when a bill increases 50% (okay $3 shy of 50%, so sue me for misrepresenting) I intend to look into it. Here is an actual transcript, or as close as I remember, of that call.
 
Me (after 4 minutes of pressing 4,1,3,5 to get to the right submenu, then entering my account number, phone number, and last four of social security number and listening to repeated assurances that my call is important): So even though I just entered all that you want me to tell you again my account number, phone number, and last four of my social security number? 
 
Unhelpful Service Representative: Yes, so we can verify you are who are. 
 
Me: I am, trust me. Nobody else wants to be me.
 
USR:
 
Me: Okay (and I repeat the information)
 
USR: Thank you for calling Big Data. How may I be of assistance? 
 
Me: By explaining why my bill went up. 
 
USR: Certainly, can I please have your account number?
 
Me: As far as I know it’s the same one I just gave you.
 
USR: I’m sorry sir but for your protection I must verify your account before we can proceed.
 
Me:
 
USR:
 
Me: (repeats number)
 
USR: I see you have the Super Savor with a billion gigalogs of data per billing period with upload and down load speeds guaranteed to be 100 pterodactyls and generating a force field of 30 cubits by 30 cubits by 40 cubits when Mars is in conjunction with M&Ms and our basic virus protection package.
 
Me: Ah
 
USR: I also see you are using your own router/modem, is that still accurate?
 
Me: You mean the box the wire from the wall goes to?
 
USR: Yes sir, the Analytics 1000 with multichannel green and red flashing lights pulsing in time with the bass line of “White Room” by Cream. 
 
Me: Ah
 
USR: And that includes cell service with by the gig data.
 
Me: So why did the bill go up so much? Actually, scrap that. Let’s make the question can it go back down?
 
USR: I would be happy to review your use patterns and see if we have a different package that can still serve your needs.
 
Me: Thank you.
 
USR: Let’s see how you use your data. Would you be interested in upgrading to our Premium Plan with 612 channels, 512 which are basically duplicates of each other, local news, sports, and premium content from 17 movie channels showing the same movies from 4 years ago that were never actually released to theaters?
 
Me: No, I just want internet and cell phone. 
 
USR: Then you want the Super Savor with a billion gigalogs of data per billing period with upload and down load speeds guaranteed to be 100 pterodactyls and generating a force field…
 
Me: Wait! Isn’t that what I have now?
 
USR: Yes, and whoever selected this plan for you was right on the money because I can see from your history that you have never called to complain about the speed or performance of this plan.
 
Me: Right. Perhaps there is an option with less pterodactyls?
 
USR: That would be our Jurassic Plan but it’s not available ala carte.
 
Me:
 
USR: However I could upgrade you to the Super Duper Savor which will double your download speeds for a better gaming experience at only $150 a month for first 3 months with a 17 year contract.
 
Me: I’m not game. 
 
USR: We would throw in our own Analytics 5200 modem free of charge for only $10 a month extra.
 
Me: If it’s free why is it $10 a month?
 
USR: Or we could upgrade your phone with the newest 5G equipment at only $24 additional per month for 60 months or until you upgrade to something even more expensive. You could be one of the first to experience the power of 5G when we eventually make it available. 
..
Me: Since you brought up cell phone what is the new $12 charge on my bill. I thought cell service was included.
..
USR: It is sir. The $12 is for the first gig of data.
..
Me: But the first 100 meg is free.
..
U.SR: We found that was sufficient for many people to do no more than a quick check at a map or to upload a picture or two but you couldn’t connect to anybody in a significant way so that has been phased out. Now you can stay connected with calls, texts and social media anywhere you are lucky enough to have clear service. We can switch your plan to an unlimited data plan for less than you would expect.
..
Me: Can I get just internet and cell phone for cheaper than what I’m paying for now?
..
USR: After reviewing your current and past trends and future predictions I would have to say no. But thank you for calling and remember, with Big Data, you get what you pay for!
 
Automated Voice: Thank you for calling Big Data. Please remain on the line to answer a few dozen questions about your experience today. Remember, with Big…
 
Me: (click) 
 
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bigdata