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Lights, Camera, Action!

Michael Leave a comment

Hello!  Those who have been regularly following our young blog know that we routinely post twice a week on Monday and Thursday.  Like clockwork.  Ok, sometimes the clock needs its battery changed but we manage to get it done.  We are finding there are so many opportunities to comment on the reality around us during the holiday season that we can’t restrict ourselves to just two more posts before the big day.  Since it is better to give than to sleep, we are giving you more posts! (You can stop chortling now.)  So until Christmas check us out for our take on the real reality that we keep coming across every day.  Or until we run out of ideas.  And remember, the Real Reality Show Blog makes a great gift!

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Yesterday’s wake-up newscast included a story from Fairfax Station, Virginia of a home Christmas display having been vandalized.  This was no ordinary front yard display with ordinary Christmas lights across the gutters.  This display had over 200,000 lights that took over a thousand hours to erect.  We say ‘had’ because some of those lights aren’t there anymore after vandals hopped in their car and drove through the front yard over the display.  Home surveillance video also shows two teenagers knocking over figurines with baseball bats.  On the other side of the world, in Warrnambool, Victoria (Australia) more vandalism played out as lights were ripped out, solar panels broken, and display pieces tossed down the street.  This display was in the planning for a full year and had been a local award winner.

It’s doubtful that this was a planned coordinated attack by the International Christmas Lights Vandals syndicate but a quick check of some other news outlets revealed that this really is a worldwide experience.  In Kingsport, Tennessee lights were cut off a tree in a front yard.  In Lampasas, Texas a municipal display has lights removed and broken daily.  In Coburg, Ontario arrests were made for vandalizing a park display that took 20 volunteers 4 weeks to erect.   In Cambridgeshire, U.K. a Christmas display was targeted twice in three days by vandals.  And outside of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania an inflatable Grinch was taken from a home display.   

It’s getting bad when even the Grinch isn’t immune to such Grinch-like activity.  But help is out there.  When we did a basic on line search for “Christmas Lights Vandalism” the top return wasn’t any of the above news stories or not even an editorial decrying Christmas vandals as the lowest of the low.  Nope, the first return you get is for an organization that supports home based Christmas displays and offers tips to avoid vandalism.    (They also have tips on how many lights you need to create a landing zone, how to computerize your display, and a killer chocolate and potato chip cookie recipes.  But we digress.)

Our experience with wrecked displays is mostly environmental.  We have home “displays” of plain white lights with a couple of deer and penguins frolicking on a slide.   Throw in a refurbished sled and some garland, a wreath on each house and there you have it.  For us, vandalism is when Mother Nature calls on the North Wind to blow bows off the wreaths and topple a deer.  So it’s hard for us to relate to what one goes through when the human vandals strike.  But we do love driving through the neighborhoods around here to see who’s done what this year and marvel at the work so many put into their outdoor decorations. 

Yesterday ended on a happier note for mega-displayers.  On the local evening newscast there was a story of a young man who has been putting up a computerized lights and music display for several years.  He wasn’t on the news because anyone had taken umbrage with his holiday display.  He was being featured because he keeps a bucket out for donations and every year he targets a charity to reap the generosity of those passing his front yard.  Apparently good can triumph over evil.  By the time we made it to the evening news the disheartening stories of vandalism had been pushed aside by this young man’s altruism. 

A former President might even call him one of a thousand points of lights – Christmas lights, that is.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Mail Call

Michael Leave a comment

Late last week He of We had a horrible revelation – the Christmas cards!  The writing, the signing, the addressing, the stamping.  So much to do and none of it done!  But, even with the distressing press the United States Postal Service had been putting out, He of We was (yes, was) still a firm believer in the mail system.  They will get the cards through even if they are posted a tad later than usual.

The post office really has been taking it pretty hard lately. And a lot of the criticism has come from inside.  Now, we still believe that even at twice the price of today’s First Class postage, mail is a bargain.  For under a buck, under half-a-buck you can mail a letter on the east coast and have it get all the way to the west coast in a couple of days.  And people look forward to getting cards and letters.  Not everything has to be as immediate as e-mail.  And not everything should be as impersonal as e-mail.  Yep, cards, letters, and even bills belong in the good old-fashion, first class stamped, real mail.  However. . .

That was last week.  This week is a different story.  On Monday there was no mail.  No real mail.  Lots of junk mail.  And delivered very early.  So early one might wonder if there had been any sorting going on for that day.  Probably just a coincidence that even between Thanksgiving and Christmas a mail delivery day would go by with no personal mail being delivered.  But on Tuesday it was a banner day.  Ten pieces of real mail delivered.  Real mail, mail someone had to put into an envelope and affix postage.  Ten pieces.  Unfortunately only 6 pieces belonged at He of We’s address.  Of the other four, one belonged on the same street several houses down, two belonged in the same neighborhood 2 and 4 streets away respectively, and one was for a different ZIP code.  (Trivia time – what does the ZIP in ZIP code stand for?)  And then Wednesday came and again, not a single piece of personal mail.  Hmm.

Is this the way the USPS wants to be remembered while nightly news shows broadcast stories of cutting services, then not cutting services, then delaying first class mail, then no changes until Congress has a chance to turn down their request for additional funding.  Is someone trying to make a point? 

Christmas still is the biggest mail delivery period.  Mother’s Day gets more cards and probably weighs down more letter carriers for a single day, but for a 3 to 4 week period you can’t beat Christmas for being the tops in mail holidays.  You’d think this is when the service would want to shine.  This is when you’d expect to sit down to the evening news and hear how the USPS has set another record in mail tonnage moved over the shortest time for the most reasonable rates.  This is when you expect to walk into a post office and find at least one counter rep wearing a Santa hat – willingly. 

This is the most wonderful time of the year – and we have songs that say so!  It shouldn’t be the time you sort your mail with “one for me, one for the guy next door, one for me, one for little boy who lives down the lane, one for me, one for the guy who lives in the next town.”

We’re certain that the one day the mail was 40% wrong was just a fluke.  But just in case, we’re delivering our letter carriers’ gifts personally.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

You want fries with that?

Michael 2 Comments

Another Saturday night was in full swing.  Even though it was the coldest night since Thanksgiving and one of only two shopping  Saturdays left until Christmas (no, we don’t count Christmas Eve as a shopping day – sheesh!)  the stores were full, the parking lots were full, and . . .  yes, the restaurants were full.  We will wait for almost anything worth that wait – good music, good hockey, good movies, good plays – but food, nope, we just aren’t going to wait for that.  There are too many restaurants with the same offerings to wait 45 minutes at one restaurant when a similar entrée is beckoning you from across the street.  And thus we were led astray by our rumbling tummies and fell into the abyss that was once a stalwart of family dining in our part of the world.

It’s our go-to restaurant when everything else is packed, when we can’t agree on where to go, or when we want that “you’ll never get a bad meal there” and we don’t want “there” to be home.  What it turned out to be was the exception to the rule.  First we got led to a sticky table with a crumb festooned banquette right off the open doorway to the kitchen.  The waitress was quick enough to come for a drinks order but that was the last time we saw her that evening.  No, that’s not true.  We did see her again 20 minutes later when she brought out the drinks.  That was however the last time she brought a correct order to us. It wasn’t a hard order – She of We ordered the meatloaf and He of We was having a pot roast sandwich with fries and gravy over everything.  Fattening, yes.  Difficult, no.  After making the 45 minute wait at the restaurant across the street seem speedy she came out with the correct but quite cold orders.  When she returned for the customary “how is everything?” we told her of our cold food, which by now could have chilled fresh brewed iced tea.  She stormed off in a huff, our former plates balanced precariously on her forearm, declaring “I’m never working a Saturday again!”  After only a moment away she returned again to ask if we wanted our meals re-prepared and simply heated.

To make a long story short, after three more trips to the kitchen, two additional exclamations of “I’m never working on Saturday again!” two visits by the restaurant manager, and an impromptu dance routine just inside the kitchen doorway,  we left with “We’re never going there on a Saturday again.”

But wait, should we strike an otherwise enjoyable rest stop from our list of acceptable establishments because they no longer hire professional waitresses?  Nobody hires professional waiters or waitresses any more.  There seems to be some backlash against professionals in the service industries.  We don’t understand why.  It takes a particular skill to handle a handful of restaurant tables each with a handful of diners even on a not particularly busy night.  The fault isn’t that of the misguided woman who thinks waitressing is a piece of cake.  It’s not even the fault of the manager who hires people who show contempt for their busiest night.  It’s the fault of the people who patronize these restaurants and stores but don’t complain when served up shoddy service.  It’s the fault of those who won’t return on a Saturday night but not tell anyone why.

We think something has to be done.  The only way we are going to get skilled and practiced service is to demand it.  Waiters and waitresses have to understand that if they do a mediocre job they get a mediocre tip.  When asking how everything was at the end of the meal they should expect, and want a critique of their service.  If the service is so bad that the manager is waiving the check, the waitress’s first thought should not be “there goes my tip.”  Managers have to know that the answer to every service complaint is not free dessert.  If a problem means meals will be delayed bring out some appetizers while the delay is happening.  Owners have to know that competent training and honest evaluations go a long way in making an establishment a continued stalwart in the field.   

When confronted with poor service we often ask ourselves what workers at these places expect.  It’s work.  But it’s work that’s been done for years by competent, yet still pleasant professionals.  We say bring them back.  And put them in charge.  And if it means we have to pay a little bit more for the service it will be worth it.

Even just for the meatloaf and a pot roast sandwich with fries and gravy over everything.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Away in a Manger

Michael Leave a comment

About this time of year some stupid group will start complaining that this town or that city is erecting a crèche or manger scene in front of the municipal building or city hall.  Those poor, uneducated, short-sighted people.  Don’t they understand that the whole reason we have Christmas and Christmas trees, and Christmas cookies, and Christmas sales is because of what happened at the original manger scene?  It’s a very special time marking a very special occasion and those mangers being raised all over the world are our way of saying Happy Birthday to a very special person.  And on top of that, they keep the economy going.

Ok, we admit it started out as a bit more serious topic but as we started exploring the world of nativity scenes we found literally a world of nativity scenes.  We have a little help.  He of We has a collection of over 50 of mangers.  That’s over 50 Holy Families who come out of their storage bins once a year at Christmas decorating time.  When you see something only once a year you really take a good look at it and learn to appreciate what went into making it.  (Think of that crazy uncle you only see at the family reunion picnic.  On the other hand, don’t.)  So this year when the first newscast of the first group of dolts complaining about the first manger being erected in front of a city hall we got to thinking about all those mangers we’ve seen over the years, the beauty in each one, and the story behind every one.

We’ve seen nativities (complete with the ultimate arrival of the wise men) made of clothes pins, cheesecloth, corn husks, ceramic, glass, plastic, straw, bronze, wood (carved, sculpted, machine cut and assembled, hinged, and nested), bronze, stone, steel, marble, paper, wool, and rubber.  We’ve seen them sitting, standing, and hanging.  We’ve seen them in music boxes and as music boxes.  We’ve seen them made into nutcrackers and etched onto glass.  We’ve seen them cut from barn board and cut out of paper.  We’ve seen them from matchbox size to life size.  We’ve even seen an inflatable version.  We have them made in America, Canada, Mexico, China, Korea, Germany, Italy, France, and Hong Kong.  He of We even has one that was made in Bethlehem.

When there are that many versions celebrating a single point of time it’s very hard to argue that the event must be pretty special.  Clearly somebody wants every culture, every nation, every class, every society to feel comfortable sharing time and space with a very special Family.  We figure those people who object to a crèche displayed in public just haven’t found their personal favorite yet. 

Whether sharing a front yard with an inflatable snow globe and Santa popping out of a chimney or taking a place of honor under the tree, the beauty of all those different materials made by all those different hands tells the story of love, patience, and decency.  What a great way to keep our economy going!   

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

For Your Protection

Michael Leave a comment

Not long ago, She of We remodeled the bathroom in her house.  The bathtub was still in good shape but dingy.  Rather than replace a good strong cast iron tub with a new and improved cheap imitation she had the tub refinished.  When the work was done the refinisher presented her with the warranty and list of “don’ts.”  High on the list was not to use a specific array of cleaning products.  If she failed to heed this warning, her actions would (ominous music, please) void the warranty.  It made sense.  It’s a process to refinish a bathtub.  Acrylics, bonders, polymers and other magic stuff went into making a 60 year old cast iron tub look new and improved.  And it’s an expensive process.  If one of those bonders or polymers or other-ers came loose and the finish became unfinished it would be just as expensive to refinish it all over again.  That is good advice, there for her protection, and a good warranty. 

As the project moved on, new mirrors and floor and fixtures found their way to the remodeled space.  When all the rest of the pieces were in place the plumber presented her with, among other things, instructions for the toilet.  Don’t use any cleaning solutions in it or you will (once again please, some ominous music) void the warranty.  Good advice for the — for the what?  Toilet?  We aren’t speaking of the valve that lets water in or the flush mechanism that lets water out.  Toilets don’t even come with those necessities.  You buy them separately.  We’re speaking of the white thing upon which you sit.  After you buy a seat.  They don’t come with those either. 

That big white thing that takes up a whole corner of the room – the throne, the chair, the real man’s recliner – has a warranty.  And in order to preserve it you cannot use toilet cleaners in the toilet.  We have to ask, with what does one clean a toilet if not with toilet cleaners.  You would certainly want to clean a toilet every now and then.  Wouldn’t you?  We do.  But wait yet another minute.  A warranty?  From what?  One would think if a toilet did not hold up its end of the bargain and hold up he or she while he or she is…well, if the toilet broke and that person crashed to the floor, the warranty would be the last thing that the state attorney general or consumer affairs commissioner or whomever would handle the complaint would request to act upon the complaint.

There once was a day when warranties weren‘t commonplace for everything from toilets to shampoo.   There once was a day when workmanship was so good nobody thought of a warranty.  It just worked.  Even toilets.  No, that toilet warranty isn’t there for her protection.  That warranty is there for the protection of the company that realized it has created a new and improved cheap imitation of what once was genuine and solid needing neither newness nor improvement.  If it was any good the manufacturer would have hung a tag on it that reads, “Good luck with your new toilet.  It will give you years of enjoyment.  If you have any problems, give us a call.”  Instead the manufacturer tries to impress the purchaser with promises that it will repair or replace any defective part that one can prove was a defect in manufacturing and not subsequent handling including transportation and installation and that no mishandling after installation up to and including cleaning with cleaning solutions has occurred.  Words we never thought would accompany a toilet purchase.

Our advice to you if you find yourself in a similar situation is to clean the toilet.  It’s for your protection.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Buy the Way

Michael 5 Comments

For us, the holiday season sometimes has its own special stress.  Both of We have pretty classic 9-5 jobs.  Our only time to shop, dine, do movies or theater, see concerts or sporting events is in the evenings or on weekends.  If Either of We wants to take advantage of smaller (or no) crowds it means burning a vacation day and going back to work the following day with the off day’s work still waiting to be done.  So we usually end up shopping, dining, entertaining, or being sports in the evenings and on weekends.  Or we turn to the Internet and to catalogs.

She of We is a little more adventurous when it comes to non-hands-on shopping.   The choices of what to buy are a bit limited.  Let’s face it, some things you have to touch.  But where to buy can be on line, by flyer, via catalog, or even a Sunday newspaper supplement.  He of We sometimes to his regret is little more forgiving of what but a bit more selective of where.  Oh there will be the occasional Internet purchase and once even from an infomercial, but purchases outside of a store will more likely be from an old fashioned print catalog.  And there they share the same passion though not the same mailing lists.  Catalog shopping.

You can buy anything in a catalog – clothes, electronics, books, cookware, food, furniture, novelties.  We’ve even seen walking sticks and a duct tape tie.  If you want it you can buy it from the comfort of your own living room.  But last night, tucked between the double barreled marshmallow shooter with dishwasher safe magazines ($39.95) and the luxurious double napped genuine Irish flannel men’s pajamas ($99.95) we found the most outrageous catalog offering yet.  The Optimal Resonance Audiophile Four-Way Three-Dimensional Soundstage Quality Speakers.  These little gems can be yours for the low price of $60,000 for the pair.  Yes, there are four (4!) zeros.  Plus shipping.  And did we mention that each speaker requires four amplifiers, not included. 

Maybe the local concert hall needs $60,000 speakers.  Your family room does not.  Please consider this very carefully if you really can afford $60,000 speakers.  If you can afford $60,000 speakers we encourage you to make a donation to your local symphony, opera company, musical theater, struggling musician, or local rap artist instead.  Get your name on a brick in the wall on the side of the building and ask for two tickets, orchestra center, for the next few years of productions.  Your money will be much better spent, you’ll get to see some great musicians actually playing great music, and if you limit your gift to only $50,000 you’ll have enough left over to buy a used car with a killer stereo.

 Sixty thousand dollar speakers.  Didn’t somebody recently say these are tough economic times?  And He of We was worried that $15 for a duct tape tie was extravagant.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Is It Live or…

Michael 1 Comment

This weekend was the weekend after Thanksgiving and we were out on the road, but not for a big after Thanksgiving shopping spree.  No Black Friday deals for us.  But out we were and there were stores visited, restaurants patronized, the public encountered, and stories to be told.

We could talk about how traffic laws in our state seem to have become traffic suggestions, and not very well taken suggestions.  But that’s a rant for another day.  We could talk about how waiters, waitresses, and bartenders no longer associate the term “service industry” with their chosen (or fallen into) profession.  But that’s another rant for another day.  We could even talk about how somewhere in between “May I help you?” and “Happy Holidays!” this year’s crop of shoppers and clerks are ruder than we’ve seen for quite a few years.  But that’s a big rant for a special day. 

Today we’re going to talk about that never ending holiday controversy, live or artificial.  On a day that begins its date with “November,” cars with live trees tied to their roofs began their journeys to becoming kindling.  But this year the thought of how many stories will play out on the evening news featuring smoldering Douglas fir takes on a special meaning.  She of We will have that rare parental event looked forward to from the time her youngest one plopped his first ornament on the lowest of the branches and left it there precariously close to the paws and jaws of the family pets.  This year, Son of She of We gets to decorate his very own house for his very own first Christmas.

And so we debated.  Live trees smell good.  Wet charcoal does not.  Pre-lit artificial trees completely fulfill that designation only for Year One of its proclaimed 20 year lifespan.  Detangling lights and discovering new and colorful curse words is a rite of passage best experienced with past years’ dried sap transforming three or more bulbs into a bulb mass.  Live trees need watered every day and there is no graceful way to crawl under the long, low hanging branches with a plastic bowl of water stretching to reach the reservoir into which the tree has become permanently attached (note for tree removal day).  Live trees don‘t need watered daily if one owns an old male dog who can’t hold his water until you get home from work.  (Live trees smell good.  Dog drenched carpet does not.)   Live trees come in thousands of shades of green found only in nature.  Artificial trees come in light green, dark green, and pink.  Artificial tree branches can be re-arranged so every ornament, no matter size or shape, can be placed exactly where you want it.  Live tree branches bend, release, and fling your Lenox collectible ornament through three rooms before smashing into the curio cabinet filled with the Swarovski crystal collection.

Did we resolve the debate?  Can two people who are dodging speeding drivers in search of big bargains list all of the pros and cons of live versus artificial?  No, it will take thousands of trips over many years to complete the list.  Until then, feel free to take your own side of the debate and decorate with whatever best reflects your style and family life.  But please do us a favor.  If you’re planning on live, remember that a cut flower cannot live in a vase for 5 weeks.  A live tree cut from its roots and left in a cup of water won’t last that long either.  Don’t be a newscast waiting to happen.  Keep your tree fed, watered, and happy.  If you’re planning on artificial, remember that just because you can erect one in each room and mount thousands of lights on them that you still risk tripped circuits and melted plastic – hot, fire prone melted plastic.  Don’t be a newscast waiting to happen.  The only smoke anyone should see on Christmas Eve is from the stump of the pipe held in Santa’s teeth while encircling his head just like a wreath.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Thank You

Michael 1 Comment

Have you been paying attention?  People who work at Target are upset that Target wants to be open Thanksgiving night.  They want to have ALL of Thanksgiving off prompting something new the news folk can banter about – why do these people have to work on the holiday.  We’re also aware of at least 5 other national chains and a few local retail stores that will be open for some or for all day on Thanksgiving.  We hadn’t heard these people on the news or seen them on the Internet so perhaps their workers are more inclined to be happy to have a job this year and although it might not be the best situation at least they are working.

Well, all of that got us to thinking and here’s what we thought.  There really aren’t all that many people who get this holiday – ALL of the holiday – off.  And while we were thinking, we thought about all of the weekends, and evenings, and nights these people don’t get off either.  But, we weren’t thinking of Target and other department stores, or groceries, or big box stores, or what passes for the modern drug store.  We weren’t thinking of any retail stores.  We thought all the way back, back to the day when all of those stores were closed on holidays, Sundays and most other days after 5.  But even way back then there was a corps of people who knew that when the holidays came around they were just as likely to be at work as they were on any Tuesday afternoon.  To these people we say, “Thank You!!!”

Thank you to…   Firemen, policemen, paramedics, and ambulance drivers.  First responders of every kind.  The members of our armed forces.  Hospital workers in every department except administration.  Priests, ministers, rabbis, and other men and women “of the cloth.”  Newspaper production and delivery people, reporters, television and radio engineers, producers, directors, and on-air personalities.  Toll collectors, train engineers, pilots, co-pilots, flight attendants.  Bus drivers and taxi drivers.  Air traffic controllers, airport security, baggage handlers, and airplane maintenance.  Train station and bus depot ticket sellers and collectors.  Hotel receptionists and housekeepers.  Restaurant cooks, servers, bus-people and hosts/hostesses.  Bartenders.  Electric company, gas company, telephone company, water company, sewage company, alarm company, and cable company employees employed outside the executive offices.  Tow truck drivers, snow plow drivers, and street repair people on a moment’s notice.  Commercial truck drivers and freight handlers.  Couriers.  Nursing home, personal care home, retirement home and home health care workers.  Security guards.  Heating and air-conditioning technicians, plumbers, and electricians when they least expect it.  Gas station attendants and clerks at convenience stores with convenient hours (yes, retail stores but they have always been open).

Did we miss anybody?  We’re sorry if we did.  Please feel free to add them in a comment, extend the list, and keep the thanks going.  We’re also sorry if we couldn’t come up with the official job title or this week’s most politically correct reference.  In our experience, most of these people care more about the service they are providing than the name they are called.  That’s why most of these people are in jobs that risk being scheduled or holidays, weekends, evenings, and nights.  They are the ones likely to do something for you and then say thank you more than they expect to be told thank you.  So please, don’t forget these folks.  Someday you’ll want to thank them.  Hey, how about now?

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Love and Dysfunction

Michael 1 Comment

Ah, the holidays are coming.  It doesn’t matter what holiday, there’s going to be a sale to celebrate it, a parade to commemorate it, a special computer search engine page to recognize it, and fireworks to cap it off.  Except  Thanksgiving.

Poor Thanksgiving has gotten squeezed out.  In the real world it seems that Thanksgiving is the signal to begin work on our Christmas projects.  Christmas decorations go up the weekend after Thanksgiving, Christmas cookies get baked and frozen the weekend after Thanksgiving, Christmas card lists are reviewed and amended the Sunday after Thanksgiving, Christmas party invitations are sent the day after Thanksgiving, and Christmas shopping starts at midnight Thanksgiving evening. 

But in world of television and movies, Thanksgiving is holding its own!  Steve Martin and John Candy celebrated the lengths that one will go through to be with family on Thanksgiving, even driving halfway across country alternately in a burned out car and the trailer half of a tractor-trailer combination.   If it weren’t for Thanksgiving we might never know how enamored Al Pacino became with hoo-hah and that it’s ok to want to punch out your dinner guest.  You will never forget WKRP’s Mr. Carlson covered in feathers declaring in all seriousness, “As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”  And it’s ok to admit that you wish every year that you could be sitting down to a feast of toast and popcorn if Snoopy is serving it.

They tell us that Thanksgiving is for families and friends to gather, to be thankful they are still friends and family.  It’s a time to reflect on the year’s accomplishments, vacations, fun weekends, and all that went into getting almost all the way through another year.  Isn’t it funny that one of the most enduring images of the most American of holidays is as dysfunctional as mistaking turkeys for birds of flight?

Thanksgiving isn’t a time to celebrate another year travelled on the perfect path to great successes.  You want perfection, go to New York and watch the faux musicals re-enacted on 34th Street.  You want a celebration, be at our table.  There’ll be talk about the failures, the never ending projects, the worked weekends, and all that we still have in front of us before this year is over.  And our most endearing image will be of everyone as loving as Charlie Brown is to his friends always wanting to do something special for them, always failing but always part of the inner circle. 

Welcome to our table of love and dysfunction!  It’s ok.  They really do go together.  If it wasn’t for the one, we’d never try to extend ourselves risking the other.  And if it wasn’t for the other, we’d never truly appreciate the one.  They go together like friends and family, joy and happiness, and toast and popcorn.  There’s always room for more, there’s always enough love for extras, and there’s always just enough wrong to give real thanks for the right.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?

Fire Them All

Michael 2 Comments

Those who have spent any amount of time around He of We have heard his plan for workplace efficiency, effectiveness, and cooperation.  Fire them all and start over.  When you spend most of your time at work you want to spend it with people who are efficient, effective, and cooperative.  You wouldn’t think so but sometimes that’s a tall order.

The problem nowadays with many co-workers is that they want to be friends.  That’s not meant to be sounding harsh.  Indeed we should be friendly to our co-workers but not necessarily with them.  They make great acquaintances but when you stop and think about it, pretty lousy friends.

On any given workday we’re probably at work or getting to and from work for over 75% of our waking hours.  That’s a lot of time.  That’s probably why someone had to come up with the phrase “quality time” when you try to explain the type of time you want to be spending with those you love.  Quality, certainly not quantity.  So we want that part of our life to be as stress-free as possible.  No problem, with only a couple hours for close friends and family, where could stress hide?  Oh yeah, that other 75%.

It’s bad enough that sometimes work itself can be stressful.  We’ve managed to work our work lives in work places that we know how to work.  We’ve both been at our respective professions for lots of years and we’ve gotten used to the vagaries of what it is that we do.  There is stress, but it’s not overwhelming.  It expands, deflates, multiplies, settles, mushrooms, and eventually resolves sometimes several times a day, sometimes several times an hour.  But it’s work.  It happens.  And we deal with it.

But the wild card our day, in any workers workday is the dreaded co-worker.  We’re certain they come in a variety pack!  Some really aren’t a bad distraction while you’re trying to start the engines.  There’s the proud parent who starts the day with last night’s game winning free-throw or potty time success (age depending) but then moves on.  There’s the secret shopper who found the greatest buy at the most unusual store on the way home.  A little exasperating but after the first 15 minutes it’s business as usual. 

But then we start encountering the stress builders.  There’s the “Can you help?” worker.  We know he or she wants anything but help.  The help wanted is volunteering to do the whatever.  How easy it is when we’re busy to fall into “it’s easier if I do it myself.”   Mr. (or Ms.) Let-Me-Run-This-Past-You needs our review before it goes out to the boss, customer, or next level review.   Here we encounter two versions. Model #1 is a dolt but knows we’ll get him refocused and he’ll do such a great job (now that he knows what his job is) that he’ll get a bonus, raise, and prime parking space.   Model #2 is actually the model employee but paranoid as all get out and needs our reassurance that everything will be ok.

The most stressful, the dreaded-est of the dreadful is the Work Friend.  This person really takes on the persona of a friend.  Hanging out in the doorway, tales of last night’s life gone wrong, we might have felt honored when it began that this person trusts our opinion.  Then we start remembering the encounters.  There was the quarrels at home, the “did you see how early she left yesterday” comments, the rundown of every meeting the boss had that will result in more work but never more money, the itemization of every penny spent (translated to wasted) by everybody in the office but us two, and the leaky plumbing, noxious fireplace, cracked steps and useless cable company at home.  Each day there’s a new (or not so new) concern, a new worry in his or her life that we’re now going to solve and move on.  This person isn’t looking for a friend.  This person is looking for free therapy!

Do you want to be a good co-worker?  Come in, smile, say good day, bring a surprise once in a while (donuts are good), keep your conversations bright and have them in the lunch room, and do your job.  Learn your job.  When you want help, ask with the intention of actually learning a new how to.  Remember, it’s a job, it’s not supposed to be the happiest time of your day.  Learn a little workplace etiquette and when you get home your quality time will have meaning and you won’t need our help getting through life.  And then our quality time will be better and maybe we won’t mind so much the occasional detour to the therapist’s office.  Just not every day!

It beats the heck out of starting over every couple years.  And you know how HR hates it when you fire them all at once.

Now, that’s what we think.  Really.  How ‘bout you?